A/N: I don't think I've ever done this before… this is to Max who took the time to leave me a very detailed and heartfelt review. There was no way for me to respond in a PM so I am responding here.

The concerns you expressed as to the fairness of everyone forcing their will on Rodney, bothered me too, but as you pointed out this is a dramatic piece and I had to make a conscious choice to take the path I did.

My mother has leukemia and my fanfictions are full of cancer. I guess I am trying to work something out using this as a vehicle. While my mother has CLL the end of this disease is the same as ALL it just takes (sometimes a lot, years even) longer to get there. The thing with Rodney being diagnosed at such a late stage when his CBC's showed nothing out of the ordinary, happened to my mom. She was diagnosed with stage IV CLL after having had a clean CBC a year earlier. I sped Rodney's process up, because of the inherent aggressiveness of ALL in adults, and because of the sci-fi element.

I think the characters are behaving the way they are because of how quickly Rodney deteriorated. If they had more time with him, or more time to adjust to his impending death, and if they really had a chance to see what chemo does to people, they would never force him to go on. The other factor I imagine to play a role is their inability to give up, and being shocked by Rodney's willingness to quit fighting. After all John's motto is "…we never leave anyone behind," and in his eyes that's what Rodney is doing, and if his friends gave up they would be doing it in return.

As someone who wanted to be a doctor and realized it a little too late, and as a daughter of someone with leukemia, I appreciate your thought provoking and honest review.

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA

Please review, as you can see it really does mean a lot, and is important to my growth as a writer and a human being.

Woolsey was out of the infirmary and working on the details of Rodney's transfer to the SGC. Part of him wondered at the wisdom and fairness of pushing Rodney to get treatment. He was ambivalent about the whole thing.

As a loved one of someone who died from ALL he was biased, as a man, he understood exactly why McKay was reluctant. Richard told himself that it was for the physicist's own good, and that in the treacherous Pegasus Galaxy, where around every corner was unimaginable danger, there were also incredible miracles. He told himself that taking Rodney to Earth for treatment bought them all more time, time for Radek to find the Ancient device, or time for Rodney to get better using conventional medicine.

Carson and Jennifer having coordinated with Dr. Lam were prepping Rodney for his trip through the gate. His treatment would take place at the SGC where an oncologist could be brought in without the gate and their extra terrestrial missions becoming an issue.

Getting Rodney more stable and ready for treatment was tricky, there were drug combinations to consider, his need for blood and blood products, his failing kidneys and his general poor health made everything that much more difficult. However, in the five days following his hypothermia and his first seizure, Rodney began to bounce back. He was by no means healthy but he was a little less close to death.

There was so much planning and preparation required everyone was completely absorbed in what they were doing, and a more lucid Rodney was going stir crazy. Carson and Jennifer refused to let him have his laptop, and Radek wouldn't agree to staff meetings around Rodney's hospital bed. So he was forced to sleep, or lie there with his mind's manic ramblings making him even tenser. These factors worked to make a very cranky physicist, who spent his time awake complaining and barking at whoever had the misfortune to be in his eyesight. By the third day of this abuse, Carson had had it.

"Why do you people have to make so much noise? Can't a dying man get some sleep?"

Every time he said he was dying Carson felt his stomach twist in knots. If Rodney was more attentive and less self-absorbed, he could see that Carson was exhausted and walking around with frayed nerves. Unfortunately, he was about to pay the consequences of his narcissism.

"Rodney, please take it easy on the staff, they don't deserve to be bullied by you."

"Well if they weren't so incompetent and lumbering around like cattle making huge amounts of noise, I wouldn't have to complain."

Seeing the look on Carson's face made the physicist realize he'd made a mistake.

"That's it! I am sick of your petty and obnoxious behavior! These people having been taking care of you, and worried about you, for weeks and you treat them like dirt! I don't care if you are dying, it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole! I don't know how any of us put up with you, let alone poor Jennifer!" With that, the enraged Scotsman turned on his heels and stomped out.

The whole clinic heard Carson's tirade and it became eerily quiet. The infirmary was now seemingly empty, leaving Rodney alone with the words still ringing in his ears.

"I'm sorry…," he whispered to an empty room.

He's right I am an asshole. No one should have to put up with me, least of all Jennifer. I knew this would happen; everyone would be better off if I would hurry up and die.

Suddenly very aware of his circumstances he sank into a deep pit of regret and self-loathing. He didn't say a word for the rest of the day.

After Carson calmed down, he regretted what he said to Rodney. Though he didn't regret telling him to quit being a jerk, the doctor wished he hadn't said the bit about putting up with him. He knew that Rodney would take his hasty words to heart.

Damn it Beckett you know he's just scared. Why'd you have to say that? He's probably lying there wishing he still refused to get help, wishing he were dead…Oh God what was I thinking?

At the end of the day John walked into a suspiciously empty infirmary, it was strange to find it so quiet knowing Rodney was here.

I hope everything's okay.

He walked around the corner to the ICU where Rodney was, and found him staring miserably at the ceiling. The look on his friends face made his heart contract. Rodney looked desolate.

"Hey buddy, what's going on?"

"You don't have to do that."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have to be nice to me."

"Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

"Forget it Sheppard. Just leave me alone."

What the hell?

"Rodney?"

"What?"

"Look at me."

"What do you want Colonel?"

Something happened.

"I want you to talk to me."

"What for?"

"Because you're my friend, duhh"

"It's okay Colonel you don't have to pretend anymore."

"What the hell are you talking about McKay?"

"It's okay, you don't have to tolerate me anymore. I know I'm a pain in the ass."

Oh hell…Rodney I don't know if you really think that or if this is just a pity party. Or even something to do with the cancer. What am I supposed to say?

"Yeah you are a pain in the ass. But you're my pain in the ass."

Rodney smiled a grim smile.

"That makes me feel so much better."

"Look Rodney, you are sometimes difficult to deal with, especially when you're scared or you feel powerless. I can't think of a time when you would feel either of those emotions more. So yeah you are being kind of a jerk, but anyone would."

He's just saying that. He feels guilty. I knew I shouldn't have said yes to any of this.

"It doesn't matter now."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"No Mc Kay you are not going to say things like that and then run away. Tell me why you're so upset."

He gave a derisive chuckle.

"Gee I don't know Colonel Charmed Life, why would I be upset?"

John felt his jaw clench and his hands grip the bedrail in anger.

Rodney you bastard, you're trying to piss me off!... And it's working.

"Okay, yeah you have a raw deal but we are all doing everything we can to save you, so give us a break."

Rodney could see John was pissed and trying to control his anger. He didn't care he wanted to fight.

"You know all of this could be over for all of us if it wasn't for your damn meddling. But nooo the great Colonel John Sheppard savior of the galaxy deemed it wrong for me to 'give up'. I couldn't possibly disobey my team leaders order could I?"

John sank into the chair closest to Rodney and put his face in his hands.

"Rodney, if I thought it was what you really wanted I would have backed off, and made everyone else back off too."

"Why in the hell would I want to stay here like this? My body is shutting down, and now my brain is too. Why would I want to bother people for whom my friendship is already a burden? No one deserves the unpleasant task of dealing with me like this? Besides, my usefulness has run out, no one needs to put up with me anymore, because I can't save Atlantis in this condition even if I do live, it's over for me here."

John felt such compassion for this damaged brilliant man he felt himself tear up.

"Rodney, we want you to live so we can be with you, not so you can save us. I am sorry you have that impression, but believe me when I say we want you to live because we like you."

Neither one said anything for a few minutes. John was leaning on his folded arms that he rested on the bed rail, and Rodney played with the hem of the blanket, staring at it as if it held answers for him. When he finally spoke, it was in a tired voice of resignation.

"I thought I had all this settled and then I let myself be convinced to give the chemo a try. Now I'm just not sure of anything."

"Yeah, I can see where that would mess with your head… What happened to set this off? And don't try to blow me off; I know when something's bothering you."

"Well, I made Carson mad. He said I was being an asshole and that he didn't know how any of you put up with me especially Jennifer."

Wow, he must have really pissed Carson off.

"Were you?"

"What?"

"Were you being an asshole?"

He looked just like a little kid confessing for breaking the window; Mc Kay wouldn't look at John at all.

"Yeah I guess I was."

"Rodney, I have no idea what you're going through, but I can't believe you would ever think Carson had anything but love for you. He's exhausted and you must have really made him mad for him to lose it like that."

"I guess you're right."

They were quiet again.

"John?"

"Yeah, Rodney."

"I really am scared. It was easier when I didn't have hope. When I didn't think about leaving all of you behind. When I hadn't considered what me dying meant to Jennifer."

"I know, I get it. Someday though I hope you'll finally believe we care about you and not get be so damn insecure."

"Me too."