A.N: Late update and short chapter. I'm sorry. But I can promise the next chapter is going to be a long one.

CHAPTER 8: REST AND VISIT

"It's been three months since you have contacted your old acquaintance. How does it feel, to be able to talk with them again?"

It was another therapy session with Dr. Ueda. When Mikan told her about her correspondence with Natsume a few days after his visit, Dr. Ueda has shown nothing but approval.

"It's a great step," she had said that day, in that same white room in the hospital, "to be able to go forward. You were very brave. I'm glad you are willing to take initiative in this. It means you are healing."

Mikan hummed for a while, thinking of how to answer that question.

These past few month talking with Natsume were great. Mikan had never thought it could be like this. He had been considerate, calling her at least 3 times a week, and then they would talk for long hours throughout the night. Mikan had forgotten just how wonderful it feels, to be able to just converse so naturally with someone.

Mikan didn't know if she was feeling any better. She's still on sleeping pills and antidepressants, still had odd bouts of anxiety and strange dreams every few nights, but Mikan noticed they weren't as frequent as they used to be, so maybe it was good?

"It's nice," she eventually said, the simple answer seemed as though it fit. She can't quite describe it, but all of it did feel very pleasant. "I like it a lot, I never realized just how much I missed him."

"How about your other friends?"

"I miss them too, but… no," she suddenly let out a nervous laugh. "I don't think I'm ready. Not yet, anyway."

Dr. Ueda jotted down something in her leather notebook and glanced at Mikan. "Your old phone, you've turned it on a few times ever since your call. Have you finally taken a look at the messages they have left behind?"

Mikan shook her head. "No, I haven't. Natsume's messages were the only ones I've read. I don't think I can handle reading the rest."

"What about the voice mails?"

"Also the same. I've only heard Natsume's."

Dr. Ueda gave out a hum. It sound neutral. "I see. Are you not curious at all about them?"

Mikan fidgeted in her seat, rubbing the skin of her palm anxiously. "I am," she admitted. "But, in all honesty, I can kinda figure out what they are going to say. Natsume told me a lot about their reactions too. I'll read them later, when I think I'm ready to call them?" she hesitantly replied, unsure of her words.

Dr Ueda's eyebrows flew upwards in surprise. "So you do plan on informing them?"

Mikan nodded. "Yes. I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think it's a good idea to keep them in the dark. You never know what's going to happen. It'll be bad if they accidentally discover me here and the things that will probably happen if they don't know anything. So I'm going to take things at my own pace. I won't call them altogether. I'll just call them gradually one by one, starting from the people who I don't have a lot of issues with."

Yes, now that she voiced that out, that plan does seem like it would work. She could definitely see herself doing it in the near future. She would reach out to Anna and Nonoko and Inchou first, then slowly call Koko, then Sumire, and after that Ruka and Hotaru, and finally her family.

Mikan stared at Dr. Ueda with thoughtful eyes. "I think that's the best way for me right now."

Dr Ueda nodded and smiled in approval. "If you think that is best for you, then you should proceed with your plan."

Mikan smiled back at the female doctor, who had helped her the whole way. "Thank you."

"Is there anything else do you wish to discuss? Anything that troubles you?" Dr Ueda continued.

Upon that question, Mikan tried to recall back whatever it was that she had thought of during nights when insomnia plagued her. Then, Mikan remembered. Everything was going well, she could feel herself slowly growing confidence, but there's still one thing that bothered her. Something Dr Ueda had touched on months ago, but Mikan had only briefly thought about.

"Dr Ueda, do you remember, when you told me that I have to learn to love myself before having others accept me? What do you mean by that?"

The doctor smiled. It reminded Mikan of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The doctor leaned forward and placed her chin on her knuckles, her elbows on the table. "Do you want to know what it means to love yourself?" she asked.

Mikan nodded. The doctor's smile widened even more. "Then I want you to have a completely free day to yourself. No work and no friends to bother you. A day just for you. Do whatever you want on that day."

The puzzlement was eating her. "A day to myself?" she parroted. "I don't do anything on my free days. I just stay at home and clean the apartment and watch shows on my laptop. What am I supposed to do?"

"Plan the day before that," Dr. Ueda answered easily. "Make a list of things you don't usually do or things you don't allow yourself to do. For instance, you have always been frugal yes?" At Mikan's nod, she continued, "Then I want you to splurge. Buy a cute outfit for yourself, spend some time at the onsen, learn to put make up on, whatever you usually don't do. Try a little bit of everything.

"I'll answer your questions in our next session after you've done what I've told you," the doctor finished.

Mikan frowned. "That… doesn't sound like self love."

"Do you want me to suggest naked standing in front of a mirror and masturbating instead?" the doctor shamelessly retorted. Mikan choked on her own spit, cheeks and ears flushed with blood. Dr Ueda laughed humorously, very amused by her reaction.

Mikan definitely did not expect the female to have such… bold humour.

"Just try it. I promise that you at the very least will not regret it," the female doctor reassured, after her chuckling stopped. Mikan was uncertain about it, but well…

It wouldn't hurt to try. Mikan always saw the appeal to having a day entirely for yourself. It just didn't work on her before because during those days, she ended up feeling more lonely and pathetic than usual. But no harm trying new stuff out.

The familiar sound of the timer rang, signaling that their time is up. Dr Ueda closed her leather book, and settled back into her smart looking chair. "I'm glad to see these changes. They are positive ones. So, would you like to reduce your dosage of daily antidepressants?" the doctor suggested.

"Reduce them?"

"Yes. As you know, antidepressants are not supposed to be taken for long term. The same goes for sleeping pills. The fact that you have taken them for 5 years without stopping is somehow worrying. However, you have not shown any obvious signs of addiction towards both the sleeping pills and the antidepressants. Now that you are slowly showing signs of recovery, would you like to be completely off of them?"

Mikan considered that for a bit. When she had first take the antidepressants, she remembered just how much she hated them and how miserable she was. She knew that taking them would help, but those pills felt too much like a humongous neon sign blaring, 'You are depressed!' to her. Saying she's depressed was easy, but the pills felt like a horrible acknowledgement that something was wrong with her.

Over time, she had grown used to them. Taking them was more of a routine for her now. It didn't make her feel any better about taking it, but she can handle it.

However, maybe now she doesn't have to…

"...Yes," Mikan agreed. "I guess I should. Wouldn't do any harm trying."

Dr. Ueda then took out a paper with small black words printed on them and handed the paper to Mikan. She took it and as she looked it over, she realized it was notes and a suggestion to change her prescription.

"Very well. If you do plan to reduce your intake, follow these instructions. Your body now has become accustomed to the pills, so we should slowly change that. Immediately stopping your intake could cause many problems for you and we don't want that. Make sure to only take sleeping pills if you truly think you are unable to sleep. That would be all for today."

"Thank you, Dr. Ueda."

At first, it was alright. Mikan didn't notice anything. She went on with her life like usual. But after a few days, she noticed how at the end of the day, she felt heavy. And not the physical kind either.

She hadn't felt this since she started living here. It felt unpleasantly familiar.

Mikan found her hands shaking at odd times during the day, and having unexpectedly dark thoughts in the middle of her work. It was more prominent at night when she was alone.

Sometimes she felt like running, especially every time the restaurant's front door rang, because she suddenly thought, "What if it's my family and friends?". Whenever she heard customers talking in Tokyo accent, she would think, "What if those people knew them? Could they tell who I am?". And when she walked along the streets buying groceries or walking home, she just want to hurry up because, "What if people recognize me?"

It's particularly disturbing for her, because she never thought of these things before. But maybe that was her medication doing the trick. Now that she's slowly reducing her dosage, those thoughts sprung up in her mind like mushrooms after heavy rain.

'Take this at your own pace,' Mikan chanted whenever she felt like taking those antidepressants again, whenever her nightmares came up and woke her, whenever she felt like running, whenever she felt like having bouts of anxiety, whenever she had the urge to just run.

'Take this at your own pace.'

"You'll be coming here for summer vacation?" Mikan asked, her phone on loudspeaker on the table as she folded her fresh laundry.

"Yeah," Natsume replied. "It's for my paper. But it's mostly going to be a holiday. It's easy, really. I just have to go to Hakone and observe."

"I see. Where will you be staying?" Mikan asked curious. "Because if you're planning to crash at my place, I'll warn you: it's a bit small for two people."

"No, Polka," Natsume said. Mikan could just feel that he was restraining himself from teasing her then, his amusement filtered through the phone's speaker. "I'll be staying at Himemiya for two weeks."

"HIMEMIYA?" she shouted. "And for two weeks? That's expensive!"

Himemiya is an onsen ryokan famous for its' hot springs and service. From what Nobara-chan and the locals told her, Himemiya is one of the best in Hakone. But it also means that they are costly. The price for a single room a night had made Mikan blanch.

"Don't worry, it's fine," Natsume waved her off. "It was for Kaa-san and Koizumi, but something came up and they can't come. They've already paid for their reservations and they thought it was a waste, so they gave it to me. All I have to do is buy train tickets. Wasn't a bad deal."

"I-I see…" Mikan nervously replied. Thank goodness something came up because if she were to meet Auntie Kaoru and Koizumi-san all of a sudden… she shuddered.

"I'll come meet you at the train station, then!" Mikan decided. She shouldn't think about sudden meetings, it made her anxiety flare up. "When will you arrive here?"

"Probably by 12 in the afternoon."

"Alright! Can't wait to see you again. Good night, Natsume."

"Night."

Mikan woke up in the morning with her heart thumping rapidly. Her dreams were hazy, and Mikan can't remember them. It was a bad start.

She ignored it, and cheered herself up with some ice cream that morning. It wasn't good to be gloomy and moody. Natsume was coming. She can't show him a bad face, it'll make him worry. And a worried Natsume is an uncompromising Natsume.

When she walked to the train station, the heavy feeling of foreboding continued to suffocate her. She squashed everything down and tried to be her normal self. It's just the medicine, that's all. Nothing to worry about. She didn't have to run or hide. It's just Natsume. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

As she waited, the feeling intensified and she hated it. But it's alright. It's fine.

Her phone chimed, snapping her out of her dark daze. She opened her phone and it was a message from Natsume.

From: Natsume

i'm here.

Mikan let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding back. She went in front of the train station and lo and behold, there he was, still as tall and dark as ever. His head turned from side to side, obviously looking for her. And when he finally caught sight of her, she waved enthusiastically.

"Hey!"

There was a rare almost-smile gracing his face. He walked towards her, bag slung over his shoulders. He opened his mouth, but before any words could come out of it, both of them heard a voice that made them both freeze.

"Ahh! Onii-chan!"

The heavy foreboding feeling came back with a vengeance and Mikan could feel herself rapidly panicking as the figure of a petite raven haired girl with eyes like embers (the same eyes as Natsume, just no, no, no). Natsume's eyes widened in shock as the little girl, his sister, Aoi-chan (she's grown so much, she's so healthy now) came to them and she could see Aoi slowing down her steps as she took in the woman in front of her brother.

"Mikan-neechan?"

A.N: Short chapter, late update and cliffhanger? Ahh I'm mean. I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't meant to be this late. As usual, errors later will be fixed. Thanks for reading.