Disclaimer: I do not own anything from CSI: Miami, wouldn't want to!
A/N: Thanks you for all the reviews, alerts and encouragement! Thanks for reading!
It wasn't so easy for Ryan, pretending everything was okay. Now he was going home. At first he thought that was good, he'd be able to let his guard down. But now that the time was here, his thoughts were running wild. 'What am I going to do? I can only hope Frank or Alexx will visit me . I don't want to be alone. How can everybody suddenly care about me? Are they just feeling guilty right now?'
Horatio looked at Ryan, concern etched on his face, "What are you thinking about?"
"Huh...oh, nothing important." He hung his head, hoping he wouldn't have to explain his fears.
"As soon as Dr. Spenser comes with your release papers, I'll be taking you home."
"I know...it's just that I'm not sure I'm ready." After Horatio helped him dress, he laid back down and drifted off to sleep.
An hour and a half later the doctor came in with the forms, a nurse with a wheelchair followed. "Hey there, all dressed up and ready to sleep!" exclaimed the doc to his sleepy eyed patient.
"Just really tired Doc. Is that normal? Maybe I should stay longer," Ryan nervously intoned.
"Not to worry young man! After the trauma your body as well as mind have gone through, sleep helps you heal. You really are well enough to go home as long as you have someone with you 24/7." He paused to look at Ryan's reaction. He was just staring down at his hands. But his head came up wide-eyed with the doctor's next words. "Horatio assured me that he'll be looking after you, so you're all set."
Looking at Horatio a stunned Ryan stammered out, "Y-you don't have to take care of me..."
"I know I don't have to, I want to! No arguments, you'll be staying with me until you get your strength back."
"I guess," said a dejected Ryan. Relieved that he wouldn't be alone he still had reservations about being in his boss' care. Thinking about it wasn't an option - anger, pain and emptiness filled his thoughts, there wasn't room for more. He just needed to pretend everything was okay.
"I just need your signature, here and here Mr. Wolfe." The doctor gave Ryan the release forms. Ryan hesitantly took the pen and signed.
"Thank you for taking care of me Doctor Spenser...I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome. Here's your prescriptions, one's for pain the other to help you sleep. Take care and be sure to schedule a follow up appointment in a week so I can check those stitches." With that he turned and left the room.
"Come on son, let's get you home." Horatio turned to get the wheelchair so he didn't notice how wide Ryan's eyes got at those simple words. Ryan quickly got hold of his emotions before H turned back to help him into the chair. The drive to Horatio's home was made without much conversation as Ryan dozed off almost as soon as they started out.
The next few days Horatio was very attentive to Ryan. He helped him eat, bathe and dress making sure he was comfortable. Alexx came in the mornings and Frank came in the evenings. They both noticed that while Ryan was steadily getting stronger physically, he was closing down on them. When Eric or Calliegh came by he would close himself off even more, only speaking to answer questions. He would doze off intentionally at times when things got to be too much. Horatio was worried and was determined to help him. He would have to get through to him somehow. Ryan finally had the strength to stay awake most of the day, so now it was time for a heart-to-heart talk.
When the doctor had given him sleep medication, Ryan almost laughed out loud but now he knew why. If he forgot to take them he would be plagued with nightmares. He could almost live with the terrifying dreams, but was embarrassed when he woke up screaming with Horatio holding him down. Even more embarrassing was allowing his boss to hold him close while he sobbed trying to gain comfort. He never had that growing up and didn't want to admit to himself how good it felt to have someone to turn to. He knew he had to talk to someone, he just didn't want to be rejected or worse because of how he felt. 'What will happen when I'm better, are they going to change how they feel about me? Am I going to be treated like I was before? Why would they care anymore? I wish this had never happened!' He was so depressed he didn't want to get out of bed, so he pulled the covers over his head and cried.
Horatio found him like that when he had finished his morning routine. He walked over and sat on the edge of his bed, "Ryan...time for breakfast." He waited for a response from him. Getting none he tried again. "Son, we need to talk, let me help you." He took the covers slowly off his face.
"N-No, please!" Ryan tried to snatch the covers back.
Horatio held the blankets down, he looked so young with tears streaking down his cheeks. He gently pulled Ryan into his arms wanting to take away his pain. He kept him close until he felt the boy finally relax. "Ryan..." he said quietly, "I need for you to tell me what happened or at least talk to Alexx, Frank or even a doctor. You need to start healing emotionally." Ryan just stiffened a little but didn't say anything. Horatio continued, "I also have a lot I need to talk to you about. Maybe once you hear what I have to say you'll be able to talk. I have to apologize again for my past stupidity and inaction and hope you'll be able to forgive me."
"I'm willing to listen," came a muffled reply.
Horatio kept one arm around his charge and repositioned the pillows against the headboard. He sat Ryan against them and then sat next to him. Sensing Ryan needed more he put his arm around his shoulder and felt him relax against him. "Let me start from when I first met you...My reaction was way out of line. You look so much...like the young woman I met and fell in love with." He could sense Ryan wanting to say something. " Let me finish...please...it was a long time ago. Both of us fresh out of high school. I was in love, asked her to marry me. She wouldn't commit, but she moved in with me. We had a little boy...he was beautiful...named Ryan." He heard and felt Ryan take a deep breadth. "What happened, H?"
"One day while I was at work, as a mechanic, she left...taking my boy with her. He was only two years old. I was devastated when I got home and couldn't find them. She left nothing of theirs behind not even a note. When I saw you looking just like her and having the same name as my son, I almost lost it. That is why I called you Mr. Wolfe. It hurt too much, made me think of him and where he could be. I never realized it would hurt you...make you feel unwanted. I'm so sorry Ryan!"
Ryan was sitting real still feeling numb. The only thing grounding him was the warmth of Horatio's arm around his shoulder. Was this really happening? "What was her name?" he whispered.
Horatio still thinking about the past almost missed it. "Her name was Carolyn Forester."
Ryan paled and closed his eyes when he heard the name. He was silent so long Horatio thought he fell asleep. He was just about to move when Ryan spoke again. "My mothers name was Carolyn. I was adopted by my step father. Am I... am I your son?"
"I really don't know Ryan, but I would like to find out...that is if you want to. I really would like to know more about you. I'm proud of who you are, I couldn't ask for a better man to be my son."
Ryan was quiet, this time he really had fallen asleep. Too many thoughts and emotions were warring inside his head, he welcomed sleep. Horatio laid him down and pulled the covers over his sleeping form.
"I can only hope you are my son," he whispered and left the room.