Sick Little Suicide
Disclaimer thingy: Hi guys, sorry this took a while and I'm sad to announce. We have no major plot progression, in the next chapter will the progression take place. I'm sorry for misleading you, but hope you'll enjoy reading this short chapter either way. Mostly written while listening to the cd Diorama by Silverchair. And thanks to ViolinistBAKA for beta reading, you rock! I don't own any of the characters, I just like to torment them.
ViolinistBAKA : AAGGHH! I 'm so sorry! My parents have been keeping me off the computer and I made you wait for about a week! I'm such a horrible person! ;;
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Chapter 11 : Freak Show
Sasuke POV
I can't believe you sleep so peacefully, somehow I thought you were one of those with constant nightmares that sleep all curled up with a tormented expression always lingering on their face even though they're asleep. But you're not, at least not today…You mumble something and turn a little but show no signs of waking up. I want so badly to kiss you and wrap my arms around you. But I guess you're going to be a little terrified waking up from being molested like that, especially since it's the first time you're here. So I control my urges and nuzzle a little closer to you, breathing in your sweet scent.
I put my arm around you, very tempted to let my hand sneak underneath your shirt. While sleeping you've manage to get it all crumpled up and now it's exposing just a little of your tummy. Just enough to make my hormones rage. The skin looks so soft and so sweet, like it's longing to be touched. I force all my perverted thoughts away. They're bad, very bad. You're innocent, not to be tainted… at least not ...yet.
Hastily I push myself up so I'm sitting beside you instead. Obviously I can't be too close to you, I just end up thinking dirty things. Maybe I should leave the bed and wait for you to wake up somewhere else, but then I want to be close to you...
I love you, right? You're the one for me.
Then why do these thoughts of Neji keep sneaking up on me?
To occupy myself so as not to have to deal with my complicated emotions I stare at you. I prefer to call it a gaze, or look. Stare sounds like I'm stalking you and planning to rape you, or something. It's weird, I must have been awake for at least 45 minutes and I'm still not tired of looking at you. You moved about 10 centimeters and immediately there was a new beautiful angle to admirer. I did that with Neji too, watched him sleep for ages, and sometimes when I knew he was deep asleep I made small braids in his hair. That always made him so angry when he saw them in the morning. He'd chase me around the entire house. Usually our little fights ended with us entangled, giggling and slightly flushed, kissing and making out.
It's not fair to you, thinking all of this... but they're just memories. And there's know way in hell I'd ever have to choose between you two. Neji probably has a new girlfriend or boyfriend. I mean it's been two years! I hardly even know what he looks like anymore! I can't be in love with a memory.
Once again I tear myself from my thoughts. They're a mess too tangled to solve right now. Your eyelashes flutter a little, but you don't wake up. Instead you turn around, making the shirt go back down covering up the little bit of heaven. Mentally I smack myself before I continue my obsessive looking at you. You could say I let my eyes wander all over you...but that makes me sound like a creep, and that's not on the list of things I want to be known for. My eyes stops for a second on your arms. For once they're not covered up with clothes.
It's brighter outside now, the sun peaks from behind the clouds so the light inside is sharp, too sharp. It makes reality seems so much more cruel. At first the sight makes me ill. I feel like… not like I'm going to throw up ...but just a little nauseous. It's sick, it's twisted and it's not right. There are cuts all over your arm, crisscrossing aimlessly like a vision of pure panic or desperation. Some of the scars are so old that they've almost faded away, but some of them are so new and so fresh that they look like they were made just yesterday. The flesh is still tender and red, almost inflamed. For a brief second I close my eyes and hope that when I open them, they will be gone. But they are there, in all there agonizing glory.
Carefully I roll up your other sleeve, in my mind I already know what I'm going to see there. And I'm right : more open wounds, more scars, more self-destructive patterns, more unbelievable pain… There's just too many. You're not supposed to be broken. You're supposed to be on the verge off breaking and I, at least
in my dreams, am going to be there to stop you from falling, but now it seems you've already fallen.
Something tells me you've been down there for quite a while now, maybe bouncing up and down, hitting the ground over and over again. Sharp stones ripping you apart at every landing. What the hell, or who the hell drove you this far?
This isn't normal teenage depression. Kids cutting just because they read about it on the internet and thought it was cool to see a little blood. Horrified, I try to count the numbers, but it's impossible, they're all over the lower parts of your arms. I trace some of the scabs. They're deep enough to be suicidal if you'd placed them somewhere else. The thinnest part of your wrists are surprisingly free from cuts, just a few shallow ones, like you only do it to hurt yourself.
It's beyond my understanding. I thought it was only depressed, suicidal freaks that did this kind of things. Not normal, okay, slightly emo boys, but still usual… after a while of tracing the patterns up and down I realize I've been blind all the time. It's crap, talking about normal or suicidal freaks. That's just me denying fact. It's so obvious, if only I'd opened my eyes a little earlier maybe I could've guessed, but porcelain facades, even if they're fragile, can be oh so hard to break. I do hope it's not too late. I feel sad, angry…and most of all confused. What happened to my dreams? Being your prince, shielding you from everything bad. How am I supposed to shield you from yourself, and I can't even think about burdening you with any of my problems, when you are all a silent mess.
–"Wake up", I shake you, maybe a little too roughly, but I need an explanation, and I need it now. I don't know why, and the sane part of my brain tells me that probably you can't give me one, and waking you up like this acting almost half hysterical will scare you away forever.
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Gaara POV
Dreamland has never been so good before, if I could I'd sleep forever. But good things never last, something shakes me and sounds reach my ears. Drowsily I blink against the light, slowly I pull myself up a little and I raise my hand to wipe the sleep from my eyes but something stops it inches from my head and that something is you. Once again I blink, I'm startled and most parts of my brain are still sleeping.
Why do you look so angry? For one tiny second I hope it's something stupid like I've kicked you in my sleep or something. But no, it's more serious. Suddenly you twist my arm around rather painfully. I can't help but to release a small yelp. The cuts are still fresh there. And it's obvious, far too obvious… You've seen them. Panic raises instantly in my veins, I want to crawl under the bed and die. With a small motion I try to jerk away from you, but you won't let go. I feel tears swell up in my eyes. I don't want to do this right now. I'm not emotionally ready, I'm not ready to face your reaction and I want to play pretend just a little more.
"Sasuke, please let go" My voice is barely over a whisper and it's shaking. I don't dare meet your eyes, but I feel them all over me, sharp heated lances piercing. The drowsiness from sleep is completely gone now. Reality is razorblade sharp. Piercing through all of my defenses. They crumbled as soon as you touch them. They fall to pieces and leave me alone, standing naked in front of you. I have nothing to shield myself with, if you wanted to you could kill me instantly.
"Why?" Your voice is small like a child speaking. Betrayal is so obvious it almost hurts. If I could I'd turn back time and wake up before you I'd do that. You've pushed me into a corner and now I have to answer. Your dark eyes keep seeking mine, and they're getting harder and harder to avoid. Finally you let go of my arm. I cover them with the long sleeves, holding the edges down with my hands. I can feel every scar burn with shame. They're no longer a dirty little secret. You've thrown them out, and showed the real freak show I am.
"Why", your voice again, this time softer but also with hints of annoyance. What shall I answer when I myself don't know? It helps me. It takes the edge off everything and numbs the ache inside me. But is that something that you would understand? It doesn't sound normal in my ears. Instead I shake my head, a weak attempt to make you stop.
–"I don't know." If your voice was small, mine is barely existent. A few tears escape and make there way down my cheeks. I furiously wipe them away. For a while we look at each other, occasionally locking eyes but mostly just examining one another. Your hair is a mess, and your t-shirt is all wrinkled and there's no other word than adorable to describe you. Suddenly in the middle of it all I can do nothing but smile. I guess you're going to think I don't take this serious now, that I'm playing around. You see my smile and confusion spreads swiftly across your features but it's swiftly changed into something softer, one of your rare tiny smiles. My heart beats a little in my ears, making it hard to concentrate.
Am I forgiven?
Softly you embrace me and I think you mumbled something about "everything will be okay". I relax into your arms, scooting closer and closing the little gap between us.
–"Please try to talk to me instead of doing… it" you trail off, not knowing what to call my self-destructivity.
Quietly I nod into your arms, knowing it's a promise that's going to be hard to keep. My tears had dried away now, and I feel a little ashamed for spilling them. My weakness always shines through and it doesn't matter how hard I fight it back.
My thoughts are interrupted by your sweet kiss. It melts away everything on the inside, and when I close my eyes I don't even have to see the outside. Everything is just a dreamland again: warm and cuddly… but this time it's true. Your arms around me, your hands fidgeting with the edge of my shirt, the goose bumps all over my skin, my hand stroking your hair or tracing lines on your back, your shining eyes, my smile and your smile melting together, our fumbling kisses and quiet laughs...It's unrealistically real. And I hope it's never-ending.
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Thank You's:
Junsui Kegasu: Hi, thanks for the reviews. Glad you liked the story so much, and I hope you'll like this chapter too. Oh, and sorry for not reviewing the last chapters of your story, they were awesome, I've just been lazy, I'm going to answer your e-mail too, I promise!
Hurricane-rider: Oh thanks for liking my story, your review made me so happy. Haha, I made you like Sasuke, that's a good thing I think! You can't make him drown in ketchup…that's just not Sasuke's style, it needs to be something more dramatic…and about Neji, you'll have to wait and see, I'm not sure how to end this yet! Oh, and yeah I love your stories!
Chronic-fever: Aw, i made you feel like brad, that's a new thing. Hope you liked this chapter too, and got a bready feeling, at least of the ending maybe…and as I said to hurricane-rider, wait and see, I haven't decided yet. It's fun to torment them!
Midnight-Sunset: Sorry for taking so long before updating, but schools killing and inspiration dying. Happy you liked the little sasuke/neji thing though. And thanks for the cookies by the way, me liked them a lot…kept me going trough my little writes block!
Yaoilover S: Yay, Gaara is the cutest when he blushes…and about Neji, just wait and see…dundundun, haha. Thanks for the review, made me happy!
chibi-tsurara-59: Aw, glad you liked the fluff, about taking their relationship further, Gaaras too shy you know, but there was little tiny hints of making out in this chapter! And about less typos, thanks yous
go to the beta reader ViolinistBAKA.
Kokuei no Onchuu: Aw, thank you… glad you enjoy the story so much!
spork ai: Aw, your reviews always make me smile like an idiot. Your story does the same to me, I make those squeaky noises too, aaa, just wanted to kill Orochimaru for what he did to our poor little Gaara. Orochie needs to be stabbed and beaten really badly. It sounds like tons of fun printing out stories like that, to bad my friends aren't fangirls. I guess I'll have to TRY to convert them again. Anyways, hope you liked this chapter! Oh, and about Itachi coming back, I don't think so, not yet at least…I have other plans…
Yit-ha: Hi, glad you like the story. Of course I'm going to end it, it may take a while but there will be an ending, I too hate it when people end the stories in the middle. Hope you liked this chapter.
Fantastical Queen Ebony Black: you guessed right, he found out. And yeah he cut with razors, but I guess I exaggerated the blood loss a little maybe, don't know. Anyways I'm so glad you like the story, means a lot!
ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: A don't die, you have to stay with me so you can read the end. Yeah, Chester has the coolest voice ever, glad you liked
GD.
Thanks for loving the story so much, it makes me so happy.
Scapegoat: Sorry it took a while, hope it was worth waiting for.
Burning tree: Thanks for the review… you think it's strange seeing
Gaara
like this, I myself love to think of him as all cute and shy. Glad you
liked
it anyway.
kawaii kitsune-kun: I won't answer that question, wait and see! But
yeah,
yay for some jealousy, hope you liked this chapter!
ChakraNoir: Hi! huge thanks for the review and your emails, they mean
so
much to me. Sorry this chapter is kinda short too, you know my
inspiration
died…poor little thing. I'll try to save it…haha yeah..maybe I should
go all
indie. But then again, no that aint my style. Talk to you soon, emo
hugs for
so long!
Eirisa: Glad you liked Gaara as an emo-kid, and hope you enjoyed this
chapter as well.
Queen: Hey, don't complain on the music. It's music that I love, I
tried
listening to the choices you sent, but naa…didn't like them at all. But
thanks for the review anyway!