Chapter 11
Friends
A/N: Slight slashy undertones
Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father! -Lydia Maria Child
Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine
I knew.
All along I knew and I can't say anything, but now he is asking for help. He might not know it, but I can feel it….up here…in my head…that lure…that continual pull he has on me.
I haven't heard his voice or seen his writing in my bathroom mirror recently, and I haven't had that strange feeling when I awaken…I know he has stopped coming to see me and I know that there is a reason.
I knew…I damned well knew he would up and leave and abandon all for that one thing he can't leave…he won't leave…he will keep picking and scratching at it until Spencer is gone…then he will wonder what the hell happened.
I woke up this morning and I could smell damp earth and man sweat. I know he had not been here, I know. But I could smell him and I could sense him and he wants help. It's not something I am willing to do on my own. He is too manipulative. I don't know what he will do to me when I get there. I can't ask Aaron for help. He will insist on doing things by the book and he will get the forest torn apart in an attempt to find him, but he wont. He won't he able to.
Morgan. No again….not Morgan. He has a great love for Reid…of the brotherly type. He adores him…he is protective of him…and he will tell him how it is. He's not afraid to ask Reid the questions the rest of us won't. He will ask him what's bothering him….he will hand out advise…and Reid will accept it, but the hatred that he and Flanders hold is too big. I can't ask him.
Rossi.
So here I am in my combat pants and hiking boots and my snug fitting Tshit with my cell phone in my hand and my finger wavering over Rossi's number. Do I take him into my confidence? Do I let him know that I think I can find Reid and Flanders? Will he go straight to Hotch and tell him? We will then be right back to my first scenario and there is no happy ending to that one….just more pain and more bloodshed and more broken people.
Can I trust him? Can I trust anyone….
I need to light up…I need to smoke and it feels like again I am smoking for both of us….
My left hand keeps cramping up too….and I don't like this….I don't like what is happening to me….or my friends.
The full length mirror shows that I've lost weight. My chest is flatter…my hips narrower….and my face is thinner….My hair is still short and sometimes I feel like taking the clippers to it and not shaving it all off but making it real short. But then I wonder what mother will say if she sees me looking like this. No makeup. Dressed like a guy. Acting like a fool.
So I light up again and sigh and walk to the kitchen and my hand is still clutching my phone and I can see it is getting dark out and I need to think…I need to do something ….
In my lounge is one of those really big half circle wicker chairs….it's full of cushions and this is where I am planning on sitting….I pick up a green disposable lighter and an old bendy tin ashtray….you know the sort I mean….the ones they put out on the tables in cheap bars, and I take the lot to my chair and I curl my legs under me and take a long and what feels – much needed drag on the smoke. It feels good…and I balance the ashtray on the blue cushion and look down at the phone again. I need to do this…and there is only one person I can turn to and I wish it was Hotch and I feel like I am going behind his back, which I suppose I am but I need to do this without him. I need to do this differently. We can't do this by the book.
"It's Emily…I need to talk to you. Alone. Can you come to my apartment?"
There – I've done it….first contact. And I sigh and rest my head back and wish I had some gin or something in the house but I don't so I settle for the smoke and I suck greedily on the tip of the dark cigarette thing and I think this should be making me cough and gag, but it's not.
Rossi will be here in about half an hour. Do I need to do anything? Do I need to make notes so I don't forget anything? Can I trust that he wont bring Hotch with him. I'm sure – almost one hundred percent sure that he wont report this….That for now this is just the two of us… and I wonder if this is the end of my career and how mother will think of me ….and right now non of it matters….all that matters is that I help Floyd and Reid….and I keep Hotch away…
And there is a strange niggling guilt over that.
-o-o-o-
Emily called me…she wants to see me and I know what it is about, but I don't know how I can help her. Maybe she just needs an ear…but why mine? I don't know her as well as Hotch of maybe even Garcia does…So I am curious enough to meet her and listen to what she has to say….
I know it will be about Flanders.
I don't know if she needs a shoulder to cry on…in which case I will be no good…or if she needs something else. She sounded tired…But again if that is lack of sleep or just a general fatigue over this whole situation I don't know.
So I am in my car and I did wonder if I should tell Hotch were I am going, but she called me and not Hotch and so there must be a reason for it.
If this is about Flanders then it explains why she doesn't want Morgan involved. Now I just have to hope that she's not got the guy with her in the apartment…that this isn't a trap.
But I don't feel it is….I didn't hear that in her voice. She sounded confused and worried…not scared…
I will have to see what it is she wants….and now my finger is pressing against her door bell and I can hear the sigh and the walking of feet on boards and the door opens.
"Dave." She stands to the side and lets me in. She's been smoking again. She didn't look the type to be a smoker but now it kind of suits her. "Can I get you a coffee….juice?" I ask for a juice and she pours one from the fridge and then we go and sit down. She folds up into her big wicker chair and lights up and I sit on her couch.
"You needed to talk to me." And I sip on the icy orange juice from the big tumbler.
"Flanders."
She didn't have to say more….I knew that was what this was all about
"I think I can find him."
And I wasn't expecting that….I was thinking she was going to confess undying love for him or something equally quirky….but knowing where he is? "You should report it to Hotch. If you know where he is….he has Reid. He murdered a woman and ate parts of her Emily." And she is nodding at me.
"And he has Reid….but I don't know the location. I just feel I could follow him. I could find him."
Go get up to leave again. The woman needs to talk to Hotch about this. "Prentiss – he has Reid." And she is looking at me with the biggest darkest damned eyes ever and I swear if I didn't know better she was going to burst into tears. "I don't know what it is you want from me. Why have you contacted me?"
She is smoking and chewing on the inside of her mouth and just looking up at me. "I thought….I thought that you might be willing to do this off the books." And I am nodding at her and pacing the room.
"You know what will happen if we get found out? And we will get found out."
"Dave….he worships you. You are his idol. He's read every published word of yours; you can't just walk away from him." And that hurt…that really hurt because of course I know how he feels about me…how he followed me around like a lost puppy when I first came back to the BAU but I can't let that colour my judgement. "We just need to find them Dave. I'm not going to beg you. I will go anyway, but I thought your presence would settle the situation."
And I know she means it will stop Flanders from attacking her. Assaulting her…Raping her. "Emily – this needs to be done by the book." And I can see the disappointment in her face as she unfolds herself and stands up.
"I understand."
She says it but she doesn't mean it…and I am pacing again and thinking and rubbing my hand over my chin. "I don't like it."
Emily is shaking her head. "Nor do I, but I know I can find them…and I almost feel like he is calling to me Dave, and I have to go."
"I need to get someone to look after the dogs. And I need to call in. Emily it's not as easy as just walking away…the BAU is horribly undermanned right now…we are just lucky there is no case. Hotch is injured and you are off again…and now me. Strauss won't like it."
And now Emily is pacing. "Dave – it's too dark to go now. It will have to wait until the morning. Please think about it. I will be leaving first light."
I nod and walk to the door. Obviously I will be here…I just need to persuade her to tell Aaron where we are going. "Tomorrow then. Call me before you leave in case I am running late." And I don't turn to look at her but I don't think she is smiling. She is puffing on her smoke and looking lost and confused. "I might have to tell Hotch." And I expect her to protest but she doesn't.
And I am back in my car and I just sit and I just think and I wonder what Flanders has done to Spencer.
-o-o-o-
They've left me.
The room is dark cos they took the light fitting out.
They took the bedding off the bed so I have a stinking mattress now but I'm not on it. I'm not staying on it….not now…not after what they did. I don't think I'll eat anything or sleep on another bed ever.
If I stay here in the corner and keep quiet they might leave me alone. My backside hurts….they sodding hurt me they did….I screamed and kicked but they stuck that needle in me and hurt me anyway…and dad…
Dad…..
I know he's not dead…but I don't know where he is and I don't why he has left me here….For a while I called for him. I shouted his name but they came and dragged me from the corner and made me stand and they shouted in my face and I could feel their spittle on my cheeks and smell the dinner they had eaten (sausages and cabbage) and they howled at me and swore at me and told me that my sort go to hell and that I have no one so stop shouting and making a fuss and that they had control over what happened to me now…and they let me know that it wasn't going to be fun.
I would have cried. I nearly did. But I bit on the inside of my mouth until it bled and it stopped me. And then they threw me onto the bed but I just lay there and didn't move until they'd gone again. I wanted to climb under the bed. I wanted to make a nest and hide in the dark, but they wouldn't let me. I don't know what I did what was so bad… I don't know why they hate me so much. I don't know what is going to happen to me…and for the first time in my life I want the Trent-Saviours to come and get me.
They've given me pyjama type things to wear but they are sticking to the blood on the back of my legs. And I have a big lump next to my mouth and my eye is stinging and I know this is against the law but I don't know what to do about it.
My room has no window. I don't know if it's night or day. I guess it's night cos they brought in a plastic cup with juice in it and I threw it at them and told them where to stick their tumbler…and that's' why I have the lump by my mouth….I got a sharp back hander for that….and I wish I was my dad….I wish I had half what he has and I would fucking kill them for this.
I stand up and walk to the door and run my fingers over the metal….I feel for the lock….and I have a good idea I can pop that….but then what? What will happen then? I don't want them to know I can do locks until I have a plan so I go back to my dark corner and wish I had a clock. If I had a clock I could twist things to go my way….I could do that…but I've got nothing.
The backs of my fingers hurt. They swiped at them with a stick thing and made them bleed.
"My dad will kill the lot of you!" I shout it and I don't bloody care.
"You can't do this to me!"
And I am up again and I feel this sudden real bad rage inside of me.
"Let me out of here you fucking bastards!"
I'm hammering at the door again like before and kicking at it and I feel something crack and I think I've broken my fucking toe now, but I'm not going to stop. I don't think I can stop now and so my head is making contact with the door now and I can feel blood in my eyes but I'm not going to stop now. I can't stop now. I am crying too…and I can feel those tears hot and sticky mixing with the blood and I am still shouting every bad word I can think of.
"You sodding whore dogs!" and the door opens….and I fall back onto my sore arse and they are coming for me.
"Shut up freak or we will make you sleep again."
Four of them and me and I am kicking and I am biting…only this time I bite for real. This time my teeth sink in and someone shouts out in pain and I can taste blood in my mouth and I suck at the wound like a baby at the nipple or its whore mother and I'm not gonna let go of this bastard until they tell me what's going only they won't know that cos I cant' talk when my mouth is full of bastard.
I feel the needle again….and I can feel them pulling me off him but they take me out of the room this time….I have blood all over my face and a bit of bastard in my mouth which I swallow but I can't walk and they are talking but I don't think it's to me…I am taken to a new room and this just has a bed in it and that's all…and a bucket in the corner and they are holding me in front of the bucket and telling me to take a piss while I have the chance.
What are they going to do with me? I don't know….
I want my dad…
I want someone to come and get me.
I want out of this place….but they are throwing me on a bed again and I just lay there like a plop cos they drugged me and I can't move. I'm on my back this time and they strap my arms down and then they strap my feet down and then they walk out and leave me there.
And now I'm scared….and now I don't know what is going to happen, so I try to reach Rosa…she might know where dad is….but there is nothing there. Rosa is gone….and dad is gone and I am on my own now.
But they are tears of anger you know.
I'm just a kid.
And I want my dad.
-o-o-o-
I'm holding him close and I get the feeling he would rather I didn't do this…but I've started now and I am going to finish. He needs to be reminded of what fun it all is.
There is something niggling the back of my mind. And as I kiss and lick and nibble on Spencer's neck and hold his hips tight close to me and move happily and in time to his breaths…I try to tune into what is going on. I thought it was something with Spencer, but this – this beautiful thing going on now I can feel is heeling us both. I can breath better…I can think straighter and Spencer smells divine and I need him all the more. My skin tingles all over with lust and desire and though he is wriggling…I don't think he realises that by doing that he is just sending me into a frenzy that I wont be able to stop for hours now. Damn Spence you are the perfect wriggler.
"Shhh babes…It's alright."
I say to him…
"Just carry on like you are….Perfect little whore boy."
I love to talk dirty to him. I love the way he tries to pull away from me…I love he feel of his hair twisted around my fingers….my left hand even is enjoying this and touching my Spence and giving him pleasures he had forgotten all about. He is making little moaning sounds….I don't know if they are happy sounds or painful ones…but it's all the same to me…either way those little sounds make me happy.
Thinking I might zap him later. That was something everyone should experience once in their lives….not as someone ill…but just for the blast of it.
I wrap my leg around his and I lay still with him. One hand resting on his abdomen - flicking gently at his soft skin and the other is playing with his hair….then it happens…and it happens with such a shock and with such power that I let out a small yelp of surprise and pull Spencer in closer.
Sam.
Something is wrong with Sam.
Crap.
I can't leave Spencer and go back for Sam. I can't leave Sam.
There is only one other option.
I close my eyes and concentrate.
-o-o-o-
I had a supper with Rosie and then we sat and watched a movie.
Now I am sitting alone and wondering what the hell is going on with my life. I need a drink. I need one so badly that I get up and start pacing the room. My mouth still hurts. My face hurts…and there is a nasty buzzing sound of tinnitus in my ear and it hits me like a punch on the nose.
'Find Sam.'
Flanders asking me for help? To find Sam? I walk in circles running my fingers through my hair. Surely he is at boarding school….
'Something's happened…find Sam….he's a kid….help him.'
A kid maybe but still a Flanders.
I continue to pace the room and think how good that glass of whiskey would be right now when there is a knock on my door. Rosie has forgotten something? I move quickly – Something has happened to Sam? What is he? Ten…and we've lost him again?
I open the door and it's not Rosie its Prentiss. Her eyes are huge and she's smoking some stubby dark cigarette thing.
"Sam." She says…. "We have to find Sam."