July 28st, 2012
As soon as Yosuke got home from the hospital, his parents had practically ordered him to take the summer off; to stay home until summer vacation and to stay away from Junes until school started again. Having to lie to them was tough, but he'd ended up telling them that he got mugged when he went shopping out of town. They were furious at him for taking off and going to the city without telling them, of course, but the fury was eclipsed by their gratitude that he was okay. They were especially grateful to Jude, who had been true to his word and ensured that Yosuke had the best doctor on staff. He'd had to come in from home, and he was probably not too happy with Yosuke (especially if the way he'd poked and prodded when he'd taken blood was any indication). It worked out, though. By the time he left the hospital that night, with Jude's mother driving him home, he already felt better. Most of it had probably been because of the mass of painkillers coursing their way through his system, but he remembered almost drifting off in the car twice.
The police showed up the next day to talk to him, ask him who had assaulted him, and for any details he could come up with to help them identify them. At the time, he'd felt a bit of vengeful fury coursing through his system, tempting him to mention Souji and the protective role that his assailant took. But really, did he know that the robo-guy had been talking about Souji, beyond his instinct? It wasn't loyalty that made him keep quiet. This time it was a little bit of Naoto's detective instinct, rubbed off on him. Between that omission and the one about the TV world, there was almost nothing at all for the police to work with... and it seemed like they were taking it out on Yosuke.
When the police left, he heard them whispering something about a cry for attention. It took all he had not to laugh, but he'd refrained.
Honestly, the time alone had given him a chance to catch up on all the sleep he'd been missing. The half-closure with Souji (it wasn't full closure, obviously, because he still hadn't talked to him or heard anything besides what robo-voice had said) lifted some of the weight off his shoulders, and the whole first day that he was home, he slept. Teddie went to stay with Jude for the night, so Yosuke could really sleep, and that was all he did. Eight p.m. to ten a.m., he slept without waking, and he awoke feeling a lot better, in spite of the pain still lingering in his head and ribs.
His friends visited him every day, too. Sometimes, they came all together. The room was lively and exciting then. Sometimes, they came in smaller groups. The girls came together sometimes, the guys came together sometimes, and sometimes they mixed and matched. Sometimes, they visited in pairs. There were even times when they visited alone. He wasn't alone much, and it was a really comforting concept.
Jude came to visit him almost every day. Even when he came with the others, he always stayed behind, keeping Yosuke company until Teddie or his parents got home. Some days, he pretended to be bringing homework over, but then he ended up staying for a couple of extra hours. Some days, though... some days he didn't pretend that he was coming for any reason at all. When he was by himself, they spent a lot of time talking, or sometimes they played video games—Jude had never actually played a video game before; his father wouldn't allow it, he said... but he took to Mario Kart like a professional, and by the end of the second time playing, he was already better than Yosuke—and some days, they went for walks.
This was one of those days.
Summer vacation had started yesterday, and everyone had stopped by right after Yosuke woke up in the morning. After they left, early in the afternoon, Jude stayed behind again. The house was quiet, and Jude was cleaning the living room from the remnants of their lunch. Honestly, it was no wonder his parents liked Jude as much as they did. He was polite, and he always cleaned up after himself when he visited. He stood over the sink, washing the last of the dishes, and Yosuke walked into the room behind him.
He didn't say anything at first, instead opting to watch him for a second. He was focused, almost singularly, on the dish in front of him, and Yosuke couldn't help but contemplate what his shadow said. Fixation. Was it a fixation? Yeah, there was the fact that every time they were in a room together, Yosuke's eyes were drawn to him. And there was the fact that he found himself trying to actually learn to play 'Hey Jude' when he felt like playing his guitar. From time to time, he also found his thoughts drifting, thinking about various different things about Jude. Jude was interesting, he was nice and he was attractive. Was it so strange to be interested? Does that automatically mean that I'm fixated?
It said a lot about Jude, too, that he was still willing to hang around with Yosuke like this after all that his shadow had said. After all that he'd admitted. He was a better person than Yosuke, that much was for sure.
That settled it. He'd put off having that 'talk' they'd mentioned inside of the TV for awhile. Jude never asked, and Yosuke never brought it up himself, either. Maybe his reasons were selfish, but he couldn't bring himself to broach a topic like that. It was still embarrassing. He'd accepted it, yeah, but that didn't mean that he wanted to talk about it openly yet. Jude must have understood. If he didn't, he would've brought it up on his own, right?
"Let's take a walk," he suggested, leaning against the counter and ignoring the thrum of pain in his ribs when he did. His head felt better; the concussion had mostly faded, and he only really felt it when he turned too sharply. But his ribs definitely ached. He kept them taped most of the time, but when he turned or leaned the wrong way, he couldn't ignore the way they hurt. Fortunately, it didn't last long.
Jude turned and looked over his shoulder. "Okay," he said, but then turned around and went back to washing the plate in the sink. "Just let me finish the dishes and—"
Yosuke stepped forward and put his hand on Jude's shoulder. "Stop trying to suck up to my parents and come for a walk with me," he said with a wink, and a grin crossing his face.
A flash of pink crossed Jude's cheeks and he reached for the hand towel next to the sink. "R-right..." he murmured.
Moments like that definitely made him understand what his shadow meant. He was actually the most attractive when he was shy. In those moments when Yosuke caught him off-guard, and he looked away with pink cheeks, fixation definitely felt like the right word. It felt like a magnetic attraction, kind of like the one Jude had described feeling for the group of them, only different.
Not like Souji. The thought wasn't out of loyalty quite as much anymore, no. Admittedly, there was a tiny bit of loyalty laced in there; Souji may not want to be around them anymore, but he had still given Yosuke one of the best years of his life, romantic or not. But this time... this time it was a different worry. Rejection, he thought. Literally every person he found himself interested in dating rejected him in one way or another. Saki-senpai hated him before she'd passed away, and Souji... that wound was still too raw to pick open by thinking about it. Rejection was a big fear of his. Rejection from friends, rejection from people he was falling for... it always hurt. A little bit more every time.
Is it really a good idea to talk to him about this? he asked himself. Another rejection would really kill him.
He didn't get much more of a chance to think about it, though, because Jude was looking at him, a shy little smile on his face. "Ready to go?" he asked, nodding his head toward the door.
Yosuke nodded and slipped his shoes on when he got to the door. He waited for Jude to follow suit, then opened the door for him. As soon as the summer sun hit them, a smile spread across Yosuke's face. He loved summertime. Not only because it was a break from school, although that was a nice bonus. It was the warm air, the fact that everyone was outside and enjoying the weather, and the fact that it was just a time to have fun with the people who mattered to you. Like this. Walking with Jude. Honestly, he had no idea which direction they were headed. He didn't even know which one of them was leading the other. They were just walking without an aim, and Yosuke found himself thinking that this was better than having a set destination. They just ended up wherever they ended up.
He turned to look at Jude again. "I gotta thank you," he said as they walked along the sidewalk.
Jude looked at him with an inquisitive expression on his face. "Thank me? For what?" He ran a hand through the thick mop of hair on top of his head.
Yosuke didn't even know where to begin answering that. "I don't know. Everything," he chuckled. "For what you said on the other side. For making sure that doctor was the one to look me over. For coming over every day and making sure I haven't really been by myself. For doing the dishes," he joked. The list was longer, but he skipped all those points, and added, "for being patient with me, too." A subtle way of giving him an opening to ask about Yosuke's fixation. Would he take it?
Hands in his pockets, Jude looked down at the ground. "Patient?" he asked.
Was he playing coy? No, it didn't seem like something he'd do. Was it really possible that he didn't realize how much letting Yosuke talk on his own time meant to him? It was a huge deal. When it came to things that made him anxious like that, giving him time and letting him open up on his own terms was crucial. If he was forced, he pushed away. It was as simple as that.
"Yeah. Patient," he confirmed. "Are you telling me that you haven't been curious about what... about what it said?" Jude would get it. He was smart. "About you?"
Yosuke could almost see the light bulb go off in Jude's head. "Oh." He was quiet for a few seconds, then said, "I figured it was less about patience, and more about realizing that what the shadow said was a big deal. Knowing that... you can't force that kind of thing." He chewed on his lip. "I wasn't going to bring it up. I was going to let you."
Laughing, Yosuke nodded his head. "I appreciate that."
Before Yosuke could continue, Jude was talking again. "It's no problem. And if you don't feel like talking about it today, don't feel pressured on my behalf," he insisted. "I mean, yeah, I want to know, but you... if you need time? If you need more time? I can wait." Those kind eyes were on him again, and the feeling welling up in Yosuke's chest was... familiar. He'd felt it before. Twice.
He was quiet for a long time while he tried to collect his thoughts. No human being was this patient. No human being was this kind. Or maybe one was. Maybe it wasn't so much that there was something wrong with the people he was interested in... maybe there was something wrong with him. Everyone he cared for either hated him or left him in the dust. Jude was nice. He was as nice as Souji or Saki-senpai... maybe a little bit nicer. If nice people like those two thought he was a waste of space, what kind of secret thoughts were in Jude's mind about him?
That... that was probably a good thing to know beforehand. "Can I ask you a question?" Yosuke asked, turning his gaze toward Jude.
Jude nodded his head. "Yeah, sure." He wasn't secretive. Or maybe he was. Yosuke hadn't even asked yet.
"I, um..." Yosuke started to speak, but he froze up.
How did you even ask someone this? Do you like guys? seemed too nonchalant. It was a personal topic. Nothing really seemed to fit. Everything seemed too invasive or too casual... too something. Maybe there wasn't a perfect way to ask. Maybe he'd have to settle for just a normal way to ask. Or... or maybe he could just not ask. Ugh, this is stupid, he thought. He turned his eyes away and scanned the area around them. Their directionless meandering had brought them to the flood plain. How was it that everything important that happened to him outside of the TV and Junes, happened here? At least... at least there was no one else here. They took a seat at the gazebo atop the hill, still completely quiet.
He cleared his throat, realizing he'd probably been quiet for more than two minutes. There was that patience again. He turned to look at Jude. "Are you..." he paused. Damn it. "Are you like me?" He pointed at himself. Before Jude could respond, he backtracked a couple of steps, then said, "I mean... before I explain myself, I want to know how awkward I'm going to make this. If we're not... if we're listening to different songs here, then I don't want to make it any worse than I already have, you know? But if we're...if you're..." he bit his lip. "I sound so stupid right now."
Jude pressed his lips together and looked at Yosuke for a second, before saying, "Kind of," in a very quiet voice. He waited a second before adding, "I, um... I'm not interested in girls at all, though." He turned his gaze down to the river, his expression shy.
"Oh," Yosuke said. Well that put an interesting spin on all of this. "O-okay. How long? Have you known, I mean. About yourself. In this sense." God, he sounded so stupid right now.
The question took Jude off guard, the expression on his face said that as plain as day. Once the shock wore off, though, be looked at the sky in thought. "Um..." he paused. "I think... I think the realization started in eighth grade. I'd had a couple of those stupid little elementary and middle school girlfriends, you know... the ones that last about two weeks, you write each other notes and kiss under the slide and all that. But in eighth grade, my friend Leia invited me to her first boy-girl party." He pressed his lips together and sighed, turning his attention to Yosuke. "It was a prank that made it happen, honestly. We played seven minutes in heaven, and one of the more popular girls who essentially took charge of the party games paired me with a boy. One of the soccer players." He played with his lower lip between his teeth and looked at the sky again. "They shoved us in the closet, and I was literally ready to just sit there for seven minutes and do nothing. But he grabbed me and kissed me."
Yosuke blinked. "Whoa," he said softly.
He laughed bitterly. "Yeah." He shrugged, looking down at the grass in front of them. "It didn't go so well after that, though. He grabbed me by the shirt and shoved me against the wall, threatening me if I ever told anyone. He told me he'd kill me, and made some other generic threats that I don't think he meant in retrospect, but then it seemed like he meant every word. Scared eighth grader, you know." After pressing his lips together for a moment, he continued. "Somehow, though, it got around school that I kissed him." He was quiet for a couple of seconds. "You can imagine how well that went over."
Without thinking about it, Yosuke reached over and put his hand on Jude's shoulder. Jude turned to look at him, a weak smile crossing his face, before he took a breath and started talking again.
"The more I was teased, the more I thought about it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that... that I actually liked it." He dashed his tongue out to wet his lips and shrugged a shoulder. "I was kind of horrified with myself at first, if I'm being completely honest." He shrugged. "All I knew about guys... gay guys... was what I head from my dad. That they were shames on their families and should all be forced into camps or something. It kind of meant that I could never tell my parents. They still don't know. And I tried dating girls once in awhile, too. I went out on a couple of dates with a girl named Milla... she was a friend of Leia's, and a couple of years older than me... but it just... it never panned out. There was another girl, too... Vera... but that one went even worse, and a couple of other unmemorable ones, too. And that was when I realized that I was gay. That it was only guys. So... so it was bad. But it wasn't all bad." He chuckled softly.
The silence that followed loomed in the air for a long time. Honestly, he hadn't expected that kind of an answer. He hadn't expected that much open honesty, not that it bothered him. Hearing a little elaboration on what Jude's shadow had taunted him with was both good and difficult to hear. He'd been through a lot. And because of his stupid pride and misplaced loyalty, Yosuke had almost become another thing on that list.
Jude looked like he was trying to decide whether to say something or not, and Yosuke let his hand fall back to his side, but kept his eyes on Jude, urging him on. If Jude was being honest, Yosuke could too.
"What about you?" Jude asked. "I mean... when did you realize? That you liked guys, too?"
A single, bitter laugh escaped, and Yosuke pressed his lips together. "Not that long ago. About a year," he explained. He owed Jude a similar explanation, but it wasn't even close to as long as his had been. "You're close enough with the group of us to know who Souji is." It was a statement, not a question. Jude was too observant not to know. "He and I were really close. Best friends didn't feel quite right when it came to describing it, you know? Partners. Peas in a pod. All that other crap people say in the movies." Talking about it made that hole in his heart ache a little bit, but he kept going. It must have been this hard for Jude to talk about his stuff, too. Yosuke owed it to him.
Steeling himself quickly, he took a breath and continued. "Souji was amazing. Is. Was. I don't know." He turned his gaze down to the river. "He was smooth, slick, clever... he was really good at being whatever you needed at the time you needed it, you know? Like a social chameleon. I thought he was the coolest person ever to live. He listened to me when I talked about Saki-senpai... oh. Um... Saki-senpai. A girl that I really, really liked who was..." he winced. "She was the second victim of that murder case last year. This year. Whatever. I thought she liked me, but I found out afterward that she hated me... that she thought I was a pain in the ass, and she was only nice to me because I'm the manager's son. My flirting was annoying to her, and it kind of... it really stung. Finding that out was what made my shadow come out the first time." He laughed in a huff from his chest, and winced from the pain, before continuing.
"Souji was there. He sort of... he always knew just what I needed when I needed it. A fist-fight, a laugh, a shoulder to cry on... a hug..." pausing, Yosuke looked away from Jude before saying, "I kissed him. Right there." He pointed over at a spot on the riverbank. "I thought... 'he's too perfect to be real. I wonder if he'd turn me away.' His lips were soft. Sometimes I think I felt him kiss me back, but he pushed me away and told me that he was with Rise. That he wasn't interested in guys."
He blinked hard and looked at Jude. "Things went back to normal for us after that, for the most part. But all the time, when I talked to him, I couldn't get that kiss out of my head. It made me doubt a lot. Made me question a lot. But it made me realize a lot, too." A sad half-smile crossed his face. "I guess I realized that feelings aren't about gender. They're about finding someone you can connect to, and connecting to them." He turned to look at Jude. "And by picking a gender, I'd be like... I'd be limiting myself, you know? And I'm not a fan of limitations." He sighed. "So... even though it hasn't exactly gone the way I wanted it to? Souji helped me." He shrugged. "It was bad," he repeated what Jude said, "but it wasn't all bad."
A flash of something crossed Jude's face. Jealousy? Yosuke didn't know, but it was definitely something. Just as quickly as it appeared, it went away, though.
"He must be really special to you," he said, his voice quiet. Shy. Like it had been when they first met.
Yosuke nodded his head. "Yeah." Pausing for a second, Yosuke scratched a hand through his hair, trying to ignore the ache that the movement shot through his ribs. "So, listen," he started another explanation. "My shadow wasn't really lying." He didn't know why, but he felt like that was what Jude needed to hear.
Jude tilted his head to the side. "About... what?" he asked.
He felt his face heating up a little. "Since I met you, I've had this... this weird fixation on you." He paused. "Or, maybe fixation isn't the right word. That makes me seem like a creepy stalker, doesn't it?" he asked with a laugh.
With a laugh, Jude nodded his head. "Maybe a little," he smirked.
"It's more like... attraction?" That felt too flowery, but Yosuke wasn't really against flowery words, so... maybe it fit. "When we're in a room together, with all the others, I feel like..."
Before Yosuke could finish, Jude spoke up and said exactly what he was trying to say; "like my eyes are drawn to you." His smile was shy and his face was flushed pink, but he was looking right at Yosuke when he said it. Like he wasn't finishing Yosuke's sentence... like Yosuke had started his. "Right?" he asked.
So he wasn't crazy. "Yeah." He chuckled and looked down at the ground.
But it wasn't that simple. Yosuke was afraid. Of a lot of things. And he still didn't feel really satisfied with how things had gone with Souji. Maybe it was the voice of the guy who'd attacked him ringing in his head, his words about how he was protecting Souji now. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't seen Souji to get the answers he wanted. It was something. And it was holding him back.
"But..." Jude said, like he'd seen it coming. His expression was expectant, but very thinly masking some disappointment. He was trying so hard, but his face was always so earnest... he was so easy to read.
And now Yosuke had to be the bad guy. "I like you. I do." He felt like he needed to lead off with that. "I like you a lot. But right now... I can't." God, he hated saying it. Jude had been so incredible to him since they first met, and here he was, taking all of that, along with the news that they were mutually attracted to each other—that they connected in more than that sense—and potentially throwing it out the window because of a guy who he knew had abandoned them.
Jude nodded his head in understanding. "Not until you feel like you have closure. Right?" How was it that he always did that? He understood Yosuke so well already.
"If you hate me, I understand. If you don't want to be my friend anymore... I get that, too." Those weren't just words, either. He meant them. If Jude decided that it was too much of a dick move, he completely understood that. It was a dick move. Jude had been nothing but amazing, and this was how Yosuke thanked him? By saying 'I like you, but I can't?'
But Jude was shaking his head no, a surprised expression on his face. "No way," he reassured Yosuke with a hand on his hand. A personal gesture, but Yosuke didn't mind at all. "I haven't been hanging around and spending time with you because of some secret desire to get into your pants or something," he said seriously. "I like you, too, but... I also like you."
There was no real distinction between the two terms, but... Yosuke got it. He was more than an attraction. They were friends, too. He got it, because that was exactly how he felt now, too.
Yosuke's next move wasn't calculated at all. With speed that he didn't think he had with his ribs as sore as they were, he closed the distance between the two of them. In a swift motion, and ignoring the pain that came with it, he lifted his hand and placed it on the side of Jude's face. He just needed to know. Like with Souji... he just needed to know how Jude's lips felt. Mixed signals be damned, he leaned forward and pressed their lips together. The first touch was chaste. Innocent and quick, like the kind of kiss you'd give to an affectionate family member, except with the addition of a hand on the face. Even that little touch of the lips made Yosuke's breath hitch, though. Jude's lips were as soft as Yosuke had imagined.
He was still sitting close, and before he could move, Jude had leaned forward and kissed him again. This time, the contact was a little bit (okay, a lot) less chaste. Hungry lips pressed together desperately, in an attempt to sate an attraction that had been building for a little over a month in one kiss... because they both knew that nothing was going to come of it—at least not right now. Their mouths opened and their tongues met; his fingers brushed against Jude's cheek, Jude's hand rested on his neck, and the only sounds he could really hear were the two of them breathing.
Okay, Jude had definitely kissed him back.
Yosuke had been trying to sate himself, but when they broke apart... he wasn't even close to sated. His heart drummed in his chest and his pants were definitely a little bit tighter. He chuckled. "I... I don't know why I did that." That was a lie. He knew exactly why.
Jude laughed, and it came out in a breath. "Torture, maybe?" he asked. He knew, without Yosuke even saying it, that it didn't mean that what he'd said before wasn't true. "Or maybe because you were dying to know what it felt like? I know that's why I did it..." he said, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.
Yosuke chuckled. "Yeah..." he agreed. "That. Pretty much."
A long quiet lingered over them, and he could tell that Jude was thinking. About what, he wondered. But before he could even think to ask, Jude spoke up again. "Come on." He stood up, then waited for Yosuke to join him. "I'll walk you home. Those unfinished dishes are still bothering me," he joked. Or, at least partially.
"You still want..." He still wanted to just hang around? After that? "You still want to hang out?"
Tilting his head to the side, Jude nodded his head. "Yeah, of course." He put one hand in one pocket, and then held the other one down to help Yosuke up.
Yosuke quirked a smile. He reached up and accepted Jude's hand, taking the help to get to his feet and staring at Jude in amazement as his hand fell back to his side after releasing Jude's. He'd just thrown the mother of all mixed signals, and Jude was just going to stick with him, just as friends... like it wasn't a potential wrench in their friendship. Yosuke had gone his whole life thinking that people like this didn't exist. Kind people... truly kind people.
"You're definitely one of a kind, Jude..." he said as they started the walk back to his house. You need to find some way to get closure soon. There's no way a guy like this is going to be available for long...