AN : Chapter 12 is written and being edited at the moment, so it shouldn't be too long before I post. As always thanks for reading! Much love

"It's not so easy, caving in
I walked by your apartment twice today
While you were gone at work
And all the colors got so down
It's not as cold out here
But come quick, I am losing feeling"
-Kill the Messenger by Jack's Mannequin

***Bella POV***

One Month Later

The month flew by in a blur of secret sexual encounters. Never in my wildest fantasies did I believe I would have a clandestine affair with Edward Cullen, but there I was in a hotel on the beach with him lying next to me.

It was late, like it always was. With Jasper working nights it became easy to slip away unnoticed and arrive back home early enough to avoid being caught.

All of it, the lies, the sneaking around became too routine. I had lost myself somewhere.

Edward was asleep in the bed and I studied his features, as I often did once he fell asleep. The lean muscles in his back and arms were completely at ease as his steady breathing moved his side gently up and down. The sheet only came up to about half way up his waist. He was perfection. I paled in comparison

I sighed and walked over to the chaise that overlooked the beach.

Outside I saw an older man riding his bicycle along the boardwalk. In his basket he had what must of been a dozen bouquets of flowers. A young couple, probably in their teens, walked up to him and he stopped. The boy bought a bouquet and handed it to the girl and they kissed. It was so simple and sweet.

There I was, in a beautiful hotel, on a beautiful beach, with a beautiful man and I was jealous of the little teenage couple buying flowers from the creepy old man on his bicycle.

I made my way back to the bed and pressed my body to his, seeking something more than the lusty desires that filled us both constantly. My hand slid across his soft skin to where his heart beat rhythmically. I pressed against it and felt faintly the beating, then he slid his hand on top of mine and our fingers entwined together. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed each finger gently.

That's when I knew that something else lie underneath all the passion. Real emotions and feelings were hidden somewhere.

Everything felt content for a moment and I slowly drifted to sleep.

The buzz of the alarm clock on the nightstand woke me up shortly after. Reality lay ahead of us and neither of us wished to ever return. Edward rolled over and kissed my forehead.

"Time to wake up," he said groggily.

"I'm awake." The sun hadn't even risen yet, but I knew I had to leave to beat Jasper home.

I got up and walked over to the chair where my purse was and grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste, Edward followed me to the bathroom.

He was completely bare and the sight of him still took my breath away.

"Would you care to join me, Bella?" He asked turning on the water for a shower.

"I would love to, but…" We both understood what the 'but' meant. I had to get home so we wouldn't get caught. A nod of acknowledgement was all I got as he pulled the curtain back and stepped in.

As soon as I finished brushing my teeth I got dressed. Edward was just getting out of the shower, water still dripping from him as he kissed me goodbye.

I drove home and swallowed all the guilt that remained from the evening that just occurred. Just like I always did. All in the routine.

When I walked in the door, the apartment was empty and I sighed a sigh of relief. As I walked to the bedroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that hung in the hallway. How many times I'd walked right by the mirror, hardly noticing it. But this time, I had to do a double take.

The woman staring back at me was not the Bella Swan I was used to seeing. This woman had secrets. She was immoral. She hurt people. She was a monster.

I continued to the bedroom and laid down in the same clothes I left in and just cried into a pillow.

I must have fallen asleep because next thing I knew, my phone was ringing and the sun was blinding me through the blinds. I covered my eyes and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I said all husky from just waking up.

"Hey, wanna go to dinner tonight? Emmett's out of town on business and I'm in desperate need of a girls night with my little sis," Rose's voice was much too chipper for nine AM.

"Yeah, sure. Come by around six or so. Love you, bye."

"Alright see you then, love you! Bye!"

I fell back asleep until around noon. It felt nice to sleep so late, and it was Saturday, so I figured why not.

Jasper was next to me in bed and I hadn't even noticed. I rolled over to look at him. Only his boxers covered him. He never slept under a blanket, he was always warm.

Just as I had studied Edward, I began to do the same to Jasper. It felt so odd, I had seen him numerous times, and there was nothing wrong with Jasper. He was perfect too. But a different kind of perfect. A flawed, rugged, artistic perfection.

I loved Jasper, but I realized suddenly that I loved Edward too. I knew I couldn't keep up this double life for much longer. Someone's heart would be broken and I could only hope that it was mine and neither of theirs.

Rose arrived at six on the dot, she never liked being late for anything. We made our way to the comfortable Italian restaurant we always had dinner at.

We ordered the same thing we always did and talked about what we always did work, mom, Phil, Jasper, and Emmett.

"So has Jasper done anything… big that I should know about?" Her question was confusing and I had no idea how to answer. So I just stared at her like a confused puppy with it's head titled to the side. "You know, asked you anything important," she continued to press.

I was still unsure of what she was asking.

"Oh for fuck's sake, has he proposed yet?" My eyes grew wide. I hadn't even thought once about marrying Jasper since everything started with Edward.

"I'm taking that as a no?" My expression must have answered the question.

"No, why would you ask?"

"Well, Jasper told Emmett that he had bought a ring and was planning on putting it on your finger very soon."

All at once the room began getting darker, only thing I could see was the guilt. It stared at me from across the room and got closer with every beat of my heart. The past month hit me like a train and knocked me down. My breathing was shallow and my heart raced in my chest. It felt like all at once my body was about to cave in and then burst into a million little pieces.

"Bella!" Rosalie shook me from my panic.

"Sorry, I'm just... I don't know. Overcome with emotion I guess." I tried to finish dinner calmly with Rose, but the whole time I knew where I had to go tonight.

As soon as Rose left, I called Edward. We met at the hotel we always meet at, but this time the night would not end like it always did.

He sat on the bed and waited for me to follow his lead, but I wouldn't fall into the routine.

"This is strictly business," I told him. "I need to take my vacation early. Like this week early."

He looked at me puzzled.

"We can't keep doing this," I inhaled sharply, fighting back tears. "I need to take time to figure things out. Please let me do this."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say 'yes Bella, please take all the time you need and I'll be waiting for you when you return.'"

"Fine," He sighed and got off the bed. His arms wrapped around me. "You can take the week."

Releasing myself from his grasp, I kissed his neck and said goodbye.

I booked a trip to Key West for Jasper and I as soon as I got home. We would leave the next day.