Isabella

I wasn't purposely avoiding him well maybe just a bit but only because I didn't know how to act around him now, now that he knew the truth and now that I practically admitted half of my feelings. I was used to sneaking around or staying put in one place, I was used to waiting until night fall to wander the house. I wasn't used to wanting to be around someone but too nervous to try and I wasn't used to having someone around long enough.

The dreams came back in full force ever since I opened up to him, I relive that awful night in varying stages. Sometimes I see it through a different point of view and it was much worse. I relive the last moments I had with James and see the terror in his eyes. I wake up crying loudly not being able to stop and not caring how loud I am.

I feel lonely and yet I'm not fully alone because he's here but he's not really here. He's not with me physically and emotionally, he can't know how much I regret my life before him and how I wish I could go back and change things but then there are things I don't regret and there is the one bright side, it brought me Edward and most times I can live with that.

I watch him not able to resist and the small part of me can't help but think he could easily betray me, so many emotions and thoughts going through my head it scares me. I never wanted to trust someone so much and I never wanted be around them so much other than James. This was so new to me and I didn't know what to do with myself, I watch him go through the motions of living and wish I could do the same.

When he's home I stay put on my floor and when he leaves I am free to wander, it's a habit that I'm not able to shake. He never show any signs that he notices my avoidance and inner turmoil and for all I know he wouldn't care. Some days I would see him hesitate at the steps of my floor and my heart would beat with anticipation and then I feel rejection when he doesn't come.

I don't know how he feels and for a moment I can think back to when the truth came out and when I wanted to kiss him, and how he leaned in and for a moment I can think of a time he seemed to want me. It's complicated and the longing crushes me every time, the longing to be his center of attention and to feel his eyes watching me. I wish I wasn't invisible to him.

The days go by and before long the dreadful day comes upon us, the night before I go to sleep uneasy and the dream replays on a loop but this time there is some difference. This time Edward stars in my dream and he's walking with me to the woods and he can see me, he's with me every step of the way but instead of going for me the witch goes for him and I'm struck with horror.

I wake up shaking and terrified and I rush from my room down the steps without any thought and end up in Edwards's room. My heart in is my throat when I see he's not there and my eyes go to the date on the calendar as it seems to be taunting me. I shake away the negative thoughts and focus on the fact that he will be back.

Time goes by and as it does my worry increases until I'm insane with fear and I contemplate going to look for him but I can't. I know today the whole town will be out running through last minute errands, I feel helpless as I watch the sky darken second by second and just as I'm ready to bolt I hear the door open and I'm flying down the steps to meet him.

I take in his appearance which seems to be fine before I interrogate him, he's confused and asking questions I don't want to answer. I try to postpone telling him and it looks like it works as he follows me upstairs to the kitchen. I'm so focused on how normal this seems and feels that I'm taken aback when he brings the conversation back to before.

I watch his face as I tell him and I think just maybe he understands the severity of things, he sits contemplating and I'm really glad he's not as worried as I am. Someone needs to keep the sanity between us. We sit in comfortable silence after that eating and casting glances at one another (in my case) there is no awkward silence and it's comfortable than I thought it would be.

"Everything okay with us?" he finally speaks.

I'm sure I know what he's asking and what he's referring to and because at this moment where it doesn't seem so bad I tell him the truth.

"This is new to me after so long and I don't know how to act around you most of the time but sitting here in this moment it seems so easy" I answer.

He raises an eyebrow "and you don't think this isn't hard for me too? I mean you hardly exist so of course that complicates things and the fact that you don't trust me" he rambles on.

I don't know if he meant it to sound as harsh but all the same it feels that way and because I'm already an emotional mess the tears come easily.

"I trust you…. But I don't know why because you could easily tell the truth I mean what's holding you back? And the only company I ever cherished was James and look how that turned and the predicament I'm in does not help" I blurt out.

"I just didn't understand why you were avoiding me and I guess it scared me because I cared and I shouldn't care" he said looking down at the table.

"This is why, because you have the power to hurt me and that's because I already feel for you. I wasn't hiding how I felt I mean I don't go around wanting to kiss strange men I just met" I said honestly.

He looked surprised and uncomfortable and I found the feeling of regret but I couldn't take it back now.

"I've sworn to stay away from women and here you are erasing my plans… and it's not that I wouldn't feel for you but I was planned to be wed and little did I know she didn't feel the same and she was messing around with my best friend" he speaks slowly and painfully.

His face contorts and his eyes seem far away remembering a time, his pain becomes my pain and it's my duty to erase that pain.

I stand up and pull my chair around to him and inch it closer and closer until we are touching, we sit together our legs touching and I take his hand in mine slowly. He jerks from his daze and squeezes my hand gently and I smile widely.

"I Understand" I say softly.

He laughs "thank you but don't they always say that?"

I'm taken aback and a little hurt, here I was feeling for him wanting to take away his pain and he throws it back in my face. This is what I mean he has the power to hurt me.

I snatch my hand from his and stand up "Because I was James Lauren except I didn't love his best friend" I say and walk away.