Why hello... it's been a while. Hee... sorry for the wait. I won't bore you with the details of my personal life that prohibited an update.
Oh, but I will bore you with this: I got the 'Someday' perfume, and I'm so excited I just have to ooze my fangirl juices all over you guys.
I am something of a... Belieber, you see. (My Authoress-senses indicate that revealing the extent of my unfathomable infatuation with his melodic voice will result in a less than desirable outcome.)
Also, I just want to apologise for not replying to reviews, it's just... well, to be honest I'm too lazy. This is probably the final chapter, too.
Anyway, yes.
-x-
"It's about three years from now," Sakura informed her. Ino twirled a lock of hair between her fingers dispassionately and examined her nails. The only person remotely interested in Sakura's most recent apparition was Sakura herself, pupils dilated, the green in her eyes replaced by two inkblots on a white canvas. "Sasuke and I... is that a... ring? Yes, we're married! Oh, you should see the venue – it's all fairy lights and we're in a delightful forest clearing, rimmed with looming trees and lofty mountain peaks... And... our honeymoon, oh it's just wonderful. We're on a completely private island – isn't that romantic, Ino? And—"
Ino looked up after about thirty seconds of silence, seeing Sakura's face ghostly pale and sweating. "Whoa, hey, what's the matter?" she asked worrisomely, feeling Sakura's forehead for any signs of a temperature.
She retracted her hands when Sakura blinked hard, shaking her head free of cobwebs and staring at Ino with wide, fearful eyes.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" she shrieked, fisting her hands through her hair.
Ino gently reached up and pulled her hands free, holding them in place in Sakura's lap. "What is it? Sakura, speak to me!"
And she did. "He impregnated me – after only a few days, Ino! With a blood-lusting, hell-spawned demonic baby that grows at three times a regular human's speed and almost kills me! Also Sasuke sparkles and has bad hair." Ino looked at her strangely and she added, "You know, badder than usual."
"That's the sickest and least appealing love story I've ever been unfortunate enough to hear," she informed.
"I'm inclined to agree with you," Sakura said.
And they thanked the heavens that it wasn't so.
-x-
A few minutes later and all the deathly-tired shinobi had fallen into much needed sleep. Hinata found herself slipping in and out of consciousness throughout the night, roused by Naruto's snoring, the Toad's farting and Kakashi's suspicious grunting noises. At some point in the night she found herself stirred by rustling that was uncomfortably close. Cracking open an eye, she first saw Shikamaru, whose head lolled to the side and mouth hung open with a flowing river of drool gushing from the corner. As her blurry eyes caught sight of a dark figure, she stifled a scream, recognising the spiky grey hair and the creepy old man smile.
"K-Kakashi?" she stammered groggily, voice laced with sleep. "M'what you doing?"
"Oh, nothing," he smiled. Maybe that smile should have warned her. Maybe she should have looked into it more. But his pretty red eye was swirling and she found herself completely unable to think for herself.
Look at the pretty commas swirling.
They're nice.
Droopy eyes... relaxing... it's kinda cold allathasuddennnn...
Oh? Did I fall asleep?
-x-
"And then..." Hinata's cheeks tickled pink. "And then we were here," she finished. I leant back on my heels for a moment, contemplating. That's it? That's the extent of our evening? I suppose I should feel relieved. Somehow, though, I'm a little disappointed.
"Oh," I managed. Kakashi was grinning lithely beneath his mask and I gave him a strange look. "Is... that... really what happened?"
"W-well, that's all I remember," Hinata said, drawing my attention away from Kakashi's madness.
"Because that sounds like a load of whoreshit to me."
"Wh-who-who-re wh-what?" she fumbled.
"I mean, are you positive that certain aspects of this recollections weren't exaggerated? Or possibly influenced by drugs?"
She blushed. "Well I'm not entirely sure. Our group was later informed that Kakashi had planted a genjutsu over this cave before we entered that hindered one's ability mental capacity... n-nobody thinks straight while in here..." She gave the Jounin an accusing look.
My eyes widened a little. "That explains a lot. I suppose it would be wise to evacuate as soon as possible then."
Hinata nodded in agreement and Kakashi let out another stifled laugh.
"So, then, where are all the others?" I asked.
Hinata shrugged and Kakashi giggled a bit. We both turned to look at his red-faced smile, a shade worried as to why he was so deviously chipper. "They're outside, of course!" he burst happily.
"Outside?" He nodded vigorously. Hinata blinked. "But if the rain stopped why didn't they all go home?"
Kakashi jumped to his feet then, holding out a hand each to us, his visible eye curved skyward gleefully. "See for yourself!"
-x-
Headbanging – Naruto and Kiba were headbanging. It didn't even make sense. They were dancing to this song blaring on a portable radio that kept going "NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA – I'M 100% NIGGA", which was possibly the most irritating sound to ever grind against Sasuke's eardrums, and Ino was doing this weirdly seductive belly dance/twerk thing and had shed her numerous dresses for a very revealing string bikini. Sakura was wading through a shallow portion of the massive lake that seemed to have materialised on the training field overnight, a hand shading her eyes from the sun, scanning the forest. She and Neji appeared to be looking for something, and were also inexplicably dressed in swimwear. Tenten, Choji and Sai were tanning on the rim of the body of water, and Sai was turning an interesting shade of lobster. Shikamaru dozed happily on a blow-up beach chair, drifting into the middle of the small lake, sunshades over his eyes.
It was then that Hinata self-consciously attempted to cover her bareness with her arms. Sasuke was feeling quite the opposite – in fact, it was as if he were overdressed in his rags, as he caught sight of Shino in a monstrous abomination of ill-fitting speedos. Last night's massive Toad was lounging atop a nearby boulder, smoking a pipe and taking curious puffs.
"What is this?" Sasuke asked incredulously.
"After all the rain last night, it accumulated in the shallow valley of the training grounds," Kakashi explained breezily, stripping right in front of them – right in front of their faces – down to his underpants. "It flooded enough to create a makeshift beachside paradise. Pretty neat, huh?"
Sasuke could count the number of times he'd seen the sea on one hand, namely the few times he'd toured, protected and terrorised he Land of Waves, and he knew that this simple flooding had nothing on the majesty of the real, unpredictable, ocean. This lake wasn't even that big – probably the size of a corner store. Reasonably deep. Yet Hinata was completely awed. He wondered if she'd ever seen something like this before.
Naruto started waving and yelling at them, jogging over, his arms flailing as he attempted to wade through the water as fast as possible. Sasuke cringed when he saw that Shino wasn't the only one here incapable of modesty or courteous coverage.
"Hinata, Sasuke! We were wondering where you two had got to!" The moment he was within range, Naruto shook his hair around like a wild dog and droplets of his recycled water splashed all across Sasuke's face. He glared.
"You left us in the cave, Naruto. We were freezing and terrified for our virginity."
"You guys coming for a swim?" he continued, completely ignoring Hinata's blush and Sasuke's deadpan accusation.
"...No," Sasuke replied. Hinata fidgeted strangely but obviously concurred. Probably because there was a bulbous, obscure bulge in the front of Naruto's speedos and she couldn't stop staring at it no matter how hard she tried.
"Come on, Sasukeh!"
"No."
"Aw, why not?"
"Because."
"Don't be such a wanker! C'mon and have some fun in the sun!"
"No, Naruto."
Naruto folded his arms in a huff. "What's your problem, bastard?"
"I'm on my period," he replied evenly.
Naruto immediately forgot his irritation and cocked his head to the side, regarding Sasuke for a moment before he shrugged and flounced back to Kiba, who was engaged in a rather lascivious dance session with Ino that involved lots of bumping and grinding. He was also, terrifyingly, dressed in a pair of speedos, which read 'Bite Me' across the crotch.
"Well, when you stop being such a wanker, feel free to join us!" Naruto called over his shoulder. Sasuke ground his teeth but said nothing, taking one look at their crude dancing and deciding he would most definitely not be joining them, ever.
-x-
"LEEEE!"
For what may have been the billionth time that afternoon, Sakura called out Lee's name, hoping against hope that he was alright. He never came home that night and everyone was quite worried. Well, they had been for about five minutes, but then everyone got bored of being worried and went to do lots of beachy things (aside from Sakura and Neji, of course, as they had sticks up their asses by principle).
Neji sighed and deactivated his Byakugan. "I'm taking a brief break," he told her, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later."
Sakura nodded and watched him go sit down by himself on a secluded patch of grass, turning back to the forest determinedly and continuing on. She was so absorbed in looking for clues, though anything useful would no doubt have been washed away by the rain, that she barely detected Naruto's presence until he came right up behind her and sneezed all down the back of her neck. Needless to say, she was not pleased, so he immediately blamed it on Kakashi. She believed him and opened several delightful cans of ass that proceeded to be whooped until they were no longer discernible as asses.
Once she calmed down and Kakashi was satisfyingly whooped, Neji reappeared with a glass of cool lemonade in hand and offered it to her, stretching as he reactivated his Byakugan and got back to business.
"Thanks," she sighed, collapsing onto the ground beneath a tree and huddling in the shade alongside him. Naruto emerged from his hiding place and plopped down beside her.
"Still can't find him?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I hope he's okay. We really could have used his help last night, too." She sighed again, placing her glass of lemonade down and leaning her head against the trunk, eyes closed.
Neji snorted. "Please. Sakura, when you're around, his knees go all wobbly and he's as useless as a window on a toilet cubicle."
"I can think of a few uses," Naruto murmured cheekily.
"How many?" Kakashi asked. Sakura barely registered through her exasperated haze that he was completely unharmed and blithely engaged in his literature.
Naruto thought for a moment. "Oh. Nah just one."
"Peeping?"
"Yeah."
"Then there's two," Kakashi said.
"Oh, you're right." Naruto grinned, and then the two grinned at each other, lecherously, as if telepathically sharing a perverted joke.
"Would you two kindly shut the hell up?" Neji interjected fiercely. "Sakura, I found something!"
In the middle of a very large, undignified gulp of lemonade, Sakura heaved the liquid through her nose and started to hiccough very unattractively, slapping a hand against her chest as if it would help clear things up. Spluttering and muttering curses, she quickly made her way towards Neji and asked what he found.
"It's a letter," he surmised. A grungy piece of paper was indeed stabbed into a tree with a kunai, written out in Lee's messy scrawl. "Lee's name is signed on the bottom."
Sakura snatched the note from the tree and began to read aloud fervently, Naruto, Kakashi and Neji crowding around her eagerly.
"My youthful compatriots," she began gravely. "Alas, it is painstakingly un-youthful for me to confess, I hath failed ye. I was unable to fulfill my youthful dare – doubling my usual training without the assistance of my most youthful teammate and friend, Neji Hyuga—"
"That's me!" Neji stage whispered. The others glared at him and he coughed.
Sakura continued. "Thus, it is imperative that I commit... seppuku!?" Sakura began heatedly scanning the remains of the letter, tears welling in her eyes.
"What? What does it say!" Naruto snatched the letter from her trembling hands and continued to read it aloud boisterously.
"Before I lay in my eternally youthful rest, I would like to give my parting words to all my dearest friends.
"Neji: you have a feminine-looking butt. I think I may have told you this one time, but it is worth repeating.
"Tenten: I once had a wet dream about you. It involved lots of youthful bestiality and staring at small children. I only tell you this because Guy-sensei told me once that when you have a dream about someone, they're thinking about you also. I thought that was interesting.
"Guy-sensei: I HAVE FAILED YOU GUY-SENSEI! I AM SO SORRY FOR DISAPPOINTING YOU! (There was a bit of drool and a smudged booger here. Sakura presumed he'd burst into tears and mashed his face against the paper.) PLEASE DO NOT FORGET ME – ALWAYS REMEMBER ME FOR MY YOUTHFUL FIRE AND NOT FOR THIS DISGRACEFUL WANK STAIN I HATH LEFT UPON THE SHEETS OF LIFE!
"Gaara: Fine, I did steal your eyebrows – you must understand, in order for me to be as mighty as Guy-sensei, it was essential that our eyebrows be identical. That is why I needed the extra... and you just looked so cure and approachable with your teddy on that swing, I thought, 'Hey, he looks like an agreeable guy.' Note that I am not the best judge of character.
"Naruto: Go to my apartment and look under my bed. Alone.
"And, finally, Sakura: My youthful sugar lump, as I stand horizontal to the walls of my bedroom and perpendicular to the ground beneath my feet, my heart palpitates at the very thought of your green, green eyes like the grass and the trees, and your pink, pink hair like fairy floss and... vaginas like your clothes. For me, each day began with thinking of you and ended with dreaming of you. I loved you more than a socket loves plugs. Your Beautiful Green Beast, Rock Lee."
The four looked at each other, then to the letter. They came to a mutual decision:
"Burn it."
-x-
Hinata shuffled uncomfortably and Sasuke only then remembered she was there. Her index fingers poked together, she looked down at the ground, muttering incomprehensibly.
"Huh?"
Her eyes shot up to meet his, a massive blush filling up her entire face. She looked like a tomato. Oh, fuck, fucktastic, now Sasuke was hungry. "U-um..."
"Spit it out."
Her blush deepened but she seemed determined to say what she needed to say. "W-what you said... before... ab-bout v-va-va-va-vaaaaaaah..."
He raised an eyebrow. "Vah-wah?"
"Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirgiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn—v-v-v-virginity!" She was practically bursting by the end of her words, lightheaded, little black spots filling her vision.
Sasuke blinked. "Oh, about being a virgin?" Hinata couldn't believe how easily he said it. She nodded dumbly. He looked out at the water indifferently. "What about it?"
"O-oh... um..."
"What?"
"I just... I thought that..."
"You thought I'd had sex before?"
Hinata couldn't bring herself to admit or deny that was what she was asking and focused mainly on keeping conscious. Well, actually, her mind had been traveling more along the lengths of she'd thought someone as handsome as him would have done... it. You know... it? Sasuke went silent after that and she thought she may have offended him, so she said, "M-me too."
He didn't seem surprised at all. "I'm pretty sure all of us are virgins," he said matter-of-factly.
"I'm not," Kakashi said plainly, appearing from the shadows.
"Don't lie Kakashi," he scolded.
Kakashi's one visible eye drooped sadly and he scuffled away to join the rest of the Konoha shinobi.
"I g-guess you're right..." she trailed off. Hinata folded in on herself a little, and out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke noted that Hinata was still wearing Naruto's ripped jacket.
"I still don't understand why you're dressed like that," Sasuke said plainly. Hinata squeaked and covered herself as best she could.
With a creeping blush, she replied, "N-neither do I..."
"I can answer that."
"Kakashi, for God's sake, would you stop materializing from behind bushes. It's infinitely creepy."
"The reason," he continued, not batting an eye at Sasuke's glare, "is that I dressed you that way." Hinata blanched. "This was all a part of my master plan!"
"L-last night... when you were hovering over m-me..." She began to shiver uncontrollably. "You used your Sharingan to put me under so you could t-take advantage of m-me!"
"No, no," he flapped, "let me finish. You see, I planned for you two to wake up this morning half-naked and confused from the beginning. The cave intercepts people's ability to perceive the world around them – a neat genjutsu I learned back in the day – rendering individuals who enter under the influence of a drug-like jutsu. As if they're high."
"...And?" Sasuke prodded.
Kakashi's visible eye curved upwards. "That's it. I totally got you guys!"
Sasuke and Hinata stared at Kakashi as if he were the most repulsive form of inhuman excrement they'd ever had the misfortune of beholding. "That is the lamest and most ridiculously under thought prank ever," Sasuke remarked. "Go away, Kakashi. I mean it."
"That doesn't even make sense," Hinata murmured.
Kakashi was giggling uncontrollably by then and skipped away happily. Hinata lowered her head and started to whimper, shoulders shuddering – Sasuke noted that the jacket was slipping from her shoulders, dipping past her collarbone, towards... well. He suddenly felt strange, staring at Hinata. She trembled and brought the jacket in closer, zipping it up just a little more, covering up just a tiny bit more skin.
This displeased him. Yes, Sasuke is a teenage boy – yes, raging hormones indeed rule his nether regions – and yes, this party didn't have to be a total disaster. "You cold?" he asked sheepishly.
"A little," she admitted.
He inched closer to her. Then, being the socially stunted and emotionally retarded Uchiha that Sasuke is, he leant in front of her face and told her point-blank, "I am going to kiss you."
Hinata's cheeks, which had faded back to their natural porcelain colour, instantly flared up again. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w—" Her eyes widened as he leant even closer, so much so that she started going cross-eyed just trying to keep him in sight. A large part of her objected to this, and she wanted very much to push him away, but she didn't. She didn't know why she didn't, and when his lips pressed against hers softly, fleetingly, she just kind of stood there like a limp doll.
"I am also going to kiss you."
Sasuke reared back and glared. "Kakashi go away."
"Maa..."
"Away!"
The Jounin scuffled off, taking his tissues and lotion with him.
-x-
The door creaked open, loud against the silence – his feet forwarded cautiously, afraid to wake the dead – his eyes scanned his surroundings frantically, afraid of being caught, but he didn't know why – his ears perked at the slightest sounds.
Go to my apartment and look under my bed. Alone.
Naruto stopped at the foot of Lee's bed. He didn't know why, but he was nervous. What had Lee left behind? Why would he give it to Naruto? Most prominently – why did his room smell like ass? Using his arm to mask the ass-like odour, he trudged forth and landed on his hands and knees, peering under the bed. It looked normal. There was nothing.
Nothing?
He wasn't looking hard enough.
Naruto moved in closer until his entire head was under the bed. What is that smell? Not ass, different – fresh, clean, clear, white. This smell was foreign, yet he knew it was snow.
Closer – rushing, against his ears – closer – brushing, against his cheeks – closer – crunching, beneath his hands and knees.
Closer, closer...
Is that light?
"OOF!"
Naruto tasted the ground before he saw it. It was, indeed, coated in a layer of snow, but it wasn't deep enough to stop him from getting a mouthful of earthworms. Spluttering and cursing blindly, he pushed himself up, only to loose his balance and stumble once again as he took in his surroundings.
Trees sprinkled with snow like icing sugar, taller than the ones he'd seen and grew up with in Konoha, a different breed entirely. There wasn't much but trees and snow and rocks and mountains, no signs of civilisation – and wait, hadn't he been under Lee's bed just a second ago?
A faint buzzing caught his attention and he turned to see a lone streetlamp, accumulating bugs with its faint glow. He stared at it for a moment, so absorbed in the absurdity of the situation he didn't sense the faun until it came up and greeted him pleasantly.
"Hello, welcome to Narnia. My name is Mr Tu—"
"Wh – HOLY FLYING MONKEY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" Naruto took one look at the crossbreed abomination and punted it so hard in the face its nose splintered back into its skull. He'd only ever heard of something this freaky when Sasuke told him about the sorts of experiments that Orochimaru conducted and – "HOLY SHIT IT'S TWITCHING! IT'S TWITCHING!" – A Rasengan swirled in the palm of his hand and he let it completely demolish the faun's twitching torso, and its arms, and its legs, and its face – "OH DEAR GOD IT HAS FUCKING PURPLE BLOOD BLARGH!" – he projectile vomited onto the faun's splattered and gushing meat fragments then stumbled to his feet, clutching his stomach and staring, wide-eyed, at what lay before him.
"Lee you sick son of a bitch."
-x-
The,
Fucking,
End.
-x-
Okay yeah. Wow. That was... um.
The final chapter! Yaaay... or awww... I guess it depends on your outlook on life. Half-empty half-full shit. Yes, well, I wanted to thank all my lovely reviewers and followers of this story! You're the only reason it continued! Thanks for sticking with me and my erratic, unpredictable updating! :)