Author's Note: Snake's eating habits are not going to go unnoticed. The man is simply a bit too obvious with it. When a certain bounty hunter decides to investigate, things are going to become sticky.
I can't believe how long this chapter is. I didn't think the idea was enough for a long chapter. This one is based on a rather old idea... I originally planned to write and post this in April when 'Within the Cardboard Box' had been just posted, but I discovered that I hardly knew anything about Samus Aran. I tend to write characters after much research, in order to not make them too perfect/too out of character/too feeble and unconvincing. This is my very first time writing Samus... I played the original games and used her a lot in Brawl, just to see how she played and what her personality was like. After that I wrote this.
That's me. Either know a lot about a character or not write them at all. I'm not convinced that I have written a good Samus Aran... but I can't keep her too humourous, nor can I write her too serious and uninterested in anything.
This is largely from Luigi's side. We all know what Snake would do for Luigi. Now it's time to find out what Luigi would do for Snake in times of crisis. This chapter also contains a lot of other references, such as from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time.
Samus Aran was annoyed.
The bounty hunter was usually agreeable, if a bit moody at times; but everyone thought her a good sport. But she was sitting here now, in the Warioware. Inc arena, fully clad in armor and awaiting her prey with extreme irritation. Back in her suite, a certain electric rat was hidden in the wardrobe where no one could find it. This was the main reason why she was out here in an area she didn't even like - since the last two weeks, Samus had detected the presence of a creepy, silent soldier eyeing Pikachu and stalking it everywhere. What a fool, she thought to herself with contempt; didn't he know that his cardboard box stunt was getting a bit obvious? Did he really think that they expected such a box in Pictochat or Distant Planet to be a natural occurrence? Of course not!
But although she tried to convince herself that Solid Snake was merely being a bit of an idiot, she was getting less and less unsure. The look in the mercenary's eyes when he looked at Pikachu was more than just sadistic glee; they were (literally) hungry, and she swore that she'd even seen him licking his lips a few times. It creeped her out like nothing could. Samus had heard rumours - horrible rumours - about the man stir-frying Pikmin and going after Yoshi just so he could know what they tasted like. Those were unsettling rumours indeed; and although most were too scared to say anything to Snake, for they feared his death glare, Samus was going to protect Pikachu no matter what. The little pokemon was her partner, and she'd grown quite attached to him. After a few electric shocks that morning, she had managed to get Pikachu in her wardrobe amongst tight, skimpy blue clothes with a bowl of cat food and some water.
Well, what else could she provide? She'd tried asking the Pokemon Trainer about Pikachu, but the boy had simply ignored her and mumbled something about 'berries'. Samus didn't recall seeing any berry trees in the hotel garden, and she wasn't going to feed the pokemon dried or frozen berries one could get at Smashville. No, siree. So cat food she had found, and cat food Pikachu would have. Until she found a substitute.
And she'd been waiting for hours now in this dark place. The person she was waiting for was due to pass by at three o'clock (his destination required him to pass this area), and she knew him to be very punctual. It was two thirty now. So this was the main reason why she was waiting, hidden amongst boxes in a dark corner, in full armor and glowering silently.
Her stomach felt empty. She hadn't eaten in hours; she could do with a pizza in Warioware. Inc when this was all over. That was another reason.
Suddenly, Samus tensed; light footsteps had turned the corner she was in, revealing the very person she had been looking for. She was not one to rush into things - she would get as much information as possible out of a reliable source. And that source was now walking close by towards where she was hiding, whistling a tune, completely oblivious.
Well, not now!
Samus waited silently until the 'source' had passed just by her - and then she darted out, pinning the poor male and slamming his head against the wall. He gasped with fright and surprise, and then soon began yelping, seeking for help; but Samus would have none of that.
"No you don't!" She hissed, and then without waiting for a reply, dragged him into the dark and deserted corner where she pulled him back against her armor and roughly pushed her gun to his throat. The subject had stopped yelping, but at the touch of the cold metal against his throat, he began whimpering in pain and confusion.
"I suggest you stop making that highly irritating noise." The bounty hunter said coolly, but did not loosen her hold. "I need information, and I can quite safely promise that I will let you go if you comply. If not..." She trailed off, making her implications clear. "I need to know everything you know about Solid Snake."
At the sound of Snake's name, the man began squirming around more violently, now apparently very frightened indeed. His hat fell to the ground, revealing tousled light brown hair, and Samus took the opportunity to quieten him; she reached out and grabbed a chunk of his hair roughly, evoking a cry of pain from her captive.
"Keep still!" Samus threatened, holding him tighter. "I shall be forced to subdue you by other means if you do not co-operate!"
"Let me go! Why - why are you doing this?" The captured male asked in a trembling voice, confused. "I haven't done anything wrong! What-"
"You might not have, Lugi Mario, but I suspect that your mercenary friend has done some serious damage." Samus replied calmly. "Do you know anything about Solid Snake... and Yoshi? Over the claims that he thinks the latter as edible?"
"I - I don't know anything." Luigi stuttered, trembling with fright. Samus let out a low 'hmm' at this; she knew the younger Mario brother to be a little bashful at times, but honest and virtuous. It wouldn't be like him to lie about something like this.
"Fine, then. Anything you know about Snake and what he did to five of Captain Olimar's Pikmin?"
"And... and why are you asking me this?" Luigi asked, his voice shaky, but he dared to turn around just a little. His eyes were wide with fear, but he seemed less panicked; Samus considered how to answer this question, and decided to tell him the truth. After all, this plumber was scared to death of her - Luigi was so weak in this moment, so vulnerable, and as pathetic as she thought him at this stage, she still felt that she owed him a small explanation at least.
"Because, you see, I happen to be researching some facts about your mercenary friend." Samus answered. "I've heard rumours. Unsettling, disturbing rumours. And they're all about Snake's eating habits and certain Smashers in this hotel. I believe that Solid Snake stalks around Smashers he considers even mildly edible and captures them." She laughed flatly. "Admit it. That's what they say that Snake did to the Pikmin. And I also heard that he stole a Yoshi egg from a brawl match on at least one occasion."
"I don't understand you." Luigi replied, sounding a little confused and puzzled, yet no longer sounding very scared. "You're grasping at straws - you can't prove those rumours true. And I've been around Snake for a long time. He hasn't done anything like that. I've never witnessed such things, nor have I seen him meddling with a Yoshi egg or Pikmin. That would be abuse."
"Too right, Luigi. Too right." Samus smiled under her armor, although Luigi couldn't see it. "Let us say that you haven't seen him consuming - or attempting to - Pikmin or Yoshi eggs. But that also means that you don't know for sure if he really did those things or not. After all, he could have done something like that in your absence."
The plumber sighed. "That doesn't matter. I doubt that Snake actually did those things. After all, such things leave traces. There hasn't been any kinds of Yoshi eggshells or Pikmin corpses around in the kitchen or any such areas, was there? After all," He said with a grim smile. "You're in charge of the two kitchens in the hotel and all the garbage it produces."
Samus frowned, losing her smile; Luigi had hit upon a very good point. The bounty hunter indeed checked the kitchen and the first five floors' waste bin unit every day, in order to find out if anything suspicious had been dumped there. It was a well-paid job, and not too filthy either. Just last week she had found alcopop bottles in Ness and Lucas's room, which proved once and for all that they liked being drunk. It also proved why they stuck together and did insane things at unhealthy times of the day. What's more, she had found a lot of bottles. Needless to say, she had been paid well. But she had never found any sign of half-eaten Smashers, just as Luigi had said.
"But what if Snake disposed of them seperately?"
"Makes no difference. You're not the only one checking the waste bin units." Luigi managed a chuckle. "And besides, if Snake is eating Smashers, why hasn't he been banned from the hotel by Master Hand yet? He knows when Smashers go missing, right?"
Samus's eyes widened; she hadn't considered that aspect. "I wasn't aware that Master Hand had such powers," She said, trying to keep calm. "But are you saying that if any Smashers - even Pikmin - go missing, Master Hand will automatically know? Even outside of the hotel and brawling arenas?"
"Yes." The plumber answered. "The Master Hand is the ultimate ruler of this competition and world, you know. There's nothing he doesn't know. Apart from just exactly when Crazy Hand drinks out of the toilet bowl."
The bounty hunter 'hmm'ed, thinking. Luigi seemed to be telling the truth - it was certainly true that Samus had failed to find any remains or evidence that Snake had gone after the Smashers. Master Hand himself took no favourites, so he couldn't be keeping Snake's antics quiet. She couldn't just rush into things like this; yes, she was suspicious. Yes, she wanted to protect Pikachu. But she definitely wasn't going to risk losing face, or even end up being accused of something she hadn't done.
"Well, I suppose that this is all the information that you can give me." Samus stated. "And from your information, I will have to assume that Snake is not guilty." But her eyes narrowed from behind the armor, and she pressed her gun into his throat again. "But listen to this... I'm in charge of Pikachu instead of that silly Trainer. I'm not easygoing. And I've noticed Snake's presence around us, and it's not very pleasant, as you may agree. I will let you go - but tell your friend to stay away from Pikachu and any other Smashers he considers to be lower than him. If anything happens..." She trailed off, making her implications perfectly clear. Luigi gulped and nodded, beads of sweat visible on his forehead.
"Good. Get out of here."
The plumber nodded again, yelping as Samus pushed him away; he bent down and scrambled for his hat, and without even putting it on he ran for it, only looking back once with a scared expression on his face. Within moments he was out of sight, and the bounty hunter stripped off her armor.
"Huh. Pathetic." She muttered to herself, and then turned away with a contemptuous sniff, towards the brightly lit section of Warioware. Inc. Her mission was over, she was hungry and she could really do with a pizza now. Perhaps she would take Pikachu a slice.
If that pesky little rodent hadn't destroyed half the wardrobe already, that was.
"Oh God... oh God..." Luigi whimpered to himself as he sprinted down Smashville and towards the hotel, eager to tell Snake exactly what had happened. He was only vaguely aware that he'd trodden on Olimar's Pikmin army and the Rope Snake, and that Lucas was crying due to this fact, but he couldn't care less. He was going to tell Snake what he knew, and do his best to keep the blonde hunter off the mercenary. "He better be there, let him be there..." He dashed into the hotel, jumped into the elevator and punched the button marked '4'. That was Snake's floor. When the elevator reached the destination, Luigi leapt out and hurtled down the corridor.
"Snake!" He blurted out, finding the mercenary's suite and bursting in the door. "Oh, you'll never guess what-" He stopped soon, feeling suddenly cold.
Snake's suite was a mess.
Torn papers were strewn everywhere. Snake's own guns lay in a tangle beneath the bed, bullets rolling around on the floor; the only thing untouched was the desk and the desk drawers. Even the bathroom was messed up, with shaving cream sprayed all over the mirror and congealing into a white dry layer. And Snake himself was nowhere to be seen amongst the severely damaged rooms, with its battered furniture and scribbled-on walls. The younger Mario brother assumed that the suite had been attacked; he glanced around uneasily, but found no sign of the other man.
"S-Snake?" Luigi stammered, taking a step into the suite. "Snake? Are you there? What - what happened?"
No answer.
"This isn't funny, Snake... come out!" Luigi suddenly found himself getting frightened; the thought of Snake lying somewhere in this wreck, knocked out, injured or even-
"I'm here!" A muffled voice called out from the bedroom. Luigi sprinted into the room and found no one - but the familiar orange box was on the floor. He had to assume that the soldier was hiding there - what else? The box itself was intact, but covered with black graffiti, and dented slightly. The plumber sat down on the floor shakily, looking into the box.
"Are you there?"
Snake peeped out of the hole in the side, his eyes meeting Luigi's startled ones. "Sorry. I can't come out. I'm in too much danger for that." Luigi blinked, and Snake momentarily drifted off and wondered about how unique the other's eyes were. Snake's eyes were a pale, almost silvery gray, and it wasn't a colour that one would expect to see often. He'd noted that the Mario brothers had blue eyes; Mario had deep, slightly milky-blue eyes, but Luigi's were a clear sapphire, which again wasn't exactly a common shade. Not to mention that his eyes were as permanently wide as saucers.
But why was he thinking about eyes anyway? Apart from the fact that the two were rather closely pressed together in order to maintain eye contact, and that Luigi's large wide eyes were staring into his face, he should really be thinking about deadly hot chocolate and Yoshi steaks like the usual. Luigi spoke again.
"What? Why not? Oh, come on - I've got to tell you something..."
"The Ice Climbers." Snake said softly. "They infiltrated my suite and tried to fish me out with their icepicks and hammers."
"Why? What did you do?"
"I commented on the terribleness of their hot chocolate yesterday." He laughed grimly, although he did seem very shaken; two children had managed to throw him off guard and wreck his suite, which had been a large blow to his dignity. They had done what no adult could have done. "And then this morning... they broke in and tore the place apart. I was hiding next to the door playing at being a special delivery, so they didn't notice me... But I think they've scribbled graffiti all over the walls too. They've just totally ruined everything."
"Oh dear God..." Luigi exclaimed, staring around the place. "Popo and Nana? But... they're such nice children!"
"Shush." The mercenary snapped. "You just happen to like little kids. Get your suite trashed by one or two of them and see if you like kids after that."
Luigi was about to reply, but a small squeak interrupted him. "Yoshi?" The green creature was standing at the suite doorway, peering curiously at the plumber and the box. Snake fell silent, and Luigi glanced at him briefly before turning to the lizard again.
"Out, Yoshi! I'll be up soon!" He called. The creature shuffled on his two feet, still staring at the younger Mario brother, before letting out a small chirp and toddling off. Luigi quickly got up and closed the door, preventing any other Smashers from seeing them. "There you go. Now what, Snake? Are we going to tidy up your suite?"
No answer came, but the green-clad plumber could see the mercenary's eyes looking intently at the door. He gulped and stared at his friend, nervous, thinking about what Samus had said to him.
"Snake, give up Yoshi. He's not edible, all right?"
"I can't help it." Snake replied grudgingly, still staring at the closed door. "It is delicious Yoshi. I must eat it."
"Do you want me to squash the box on top of you?"
"Go ahead, my friend. Can't get any worse than the state of my suite now." Snake laughed bitterly, withdrawing his eyes from the hole in the box. "This is why I hate little kids. They're your worst nightmare bundled in tiny little socks and clothes and plastered with a cute smile on their faces."
Luigi sighed and leaned against the box, pushing the item backwards so that he and Snake were merely a layer of cardboard apart. "Come on, they're not that bad... and the Ice Climbers are quite sensitive, you know."
"I gathered that this morning." The mercenary stated dryly. "But back to the starting point, Luigi, what brought you here in the first place?"
Luigi shuffled around so that he was whispering directly into the box. "Samus Aran. She's looking for you."
"Samus? That blonde bounty hunter?" Luigi nodded. "What does she want me for? For a date? Well, tell her that I'll consider it once she agrees to go around without her armor all the time-"
"A date's the last thing on her mind, Snake." Luigi said, sounding nervous again. "She's mad - mad like you won't believe. She thinks you're after Pikachu. Samus held me captive for five minutes while interrogating me for information about you!"
"Samus Aran held you captive?" The mercenary suddenly sounded panicked, and he pushed his face closer to the hole in the box, gazing intently at Luigi. "What did she do? Did she hurt you? If she did I swear I'll-"
"She held a gun to my throat."
"A gun? My God!" The soldier exclaimed, and he lifted up a corner of the box to reach out his arm and feel whether his friend had been hurt. His strong hand brushed his neck, and Luigi was momentarily aware that Snake could kill him with his hands just as easily as Samus could; however he'd never hurt him, and the younger Mario brother was intensely grateful for that. "You've got a mark right here. She didn't threaten to kill you, did she?"
Luigi looked down as far as possible; sure enough, a faint red mark was visible near his collarbone, and when he touched it, he found that the skin was rather hot beneath. "Well... not exactly. Like I said before, she only wanted to get information out of me. She thinks you're going to capture Pikachu and possibly eat him - I don't know where, but she's also heard rumours about you, Pikmin and Yoshi. That's why I don't want you to go after Yoshi, Snake. If you're caught in the act she'll kill both of us."
"And all for that electric rat?" The mercenary said indignantly, following suit with a very rude word directed at the bounty hunter. "And she'd dragged you into this too. I don't need her to meddle with my eating habits!"
"Even so..." Luigi still looked very frightened by his ordeal. Snake looked at him for a long while, and then sighed, drooping.
"Right. Fine. She only seems to care about her annoying rat, so I'll keep off it and any others."
"And how long will that last?"
"A fortnight?" Snake offered. Luigi met his gaze, deadpan and unamused. "A month? Oh, come on, Luigi -"
"It's not up to me to decide that, Snake." The plumber said with a sigh. "But that's all I can tell you. Any Smashers go missing, and if she thinks you've done it, we both get bumped off."
"I'm not going to let Samus hurt you." The mercenary replied. "You don't have a part in this. I'll never allow her to do anything to you. Ever again." He reached out a hand again and rested it lightly on Luigi's. "You took threats and even stuck up for me... when you could have been injured... I thank you for that. I admire your courage, Luigi."
Luigi looked at the soldier for a long time, suddenly feeling a complicated mixture of emotions arise within him. On one hand he was annoyed with Snake for having such a screwed-up eating habit. But on the other hand (and this part tugged stronger at his heartstrings) Snake was a friend of his, and the mercenary's declaration to protect him was very heart-warming. He had such a soft spot for this strange, somewhat homicidal man; sometimes it surprised him to think about just how attached he was to the soldier. Snake was really quite gentle... gruff, maybe, and irritable, but wonderful otherwise.
"I can't say I can quite give up Yoshi, though."
The plumber sighed. That was one flaw that wasn't ever going to change, he supposed.
"...Let's just clean up your suite a little and go to dinner. Are you going to report this to Master Hand?"
"Hell no." Snake, glad of the subject change (yet still depressed), shuffled around in his box. "If I'm going to tell Master Hand about how two kids about twenty years younger than me managed to wreck and graffiti my suite... and all the furniture and the box..."
"Funny you should be mentioning the box." Luigi chuckled for the first time he had been in the suite, looking at the surface of the box where the orange letters were printed - and seeing a lot of marker writings scribbled on there, some blacking out words and some simply badly drawn pictures. "One of them says 'Next time you are dead'... with the alphabet 'u' for the 'you', 'r' for 'are' and the 'dead' spelt d-e-d."
Snake sniggered. "Little kids nowadays can't spell."
"Tell me about it. This one says 'You - noob, Ice Climbers and their hot chocolate - leet. We own you with our leet icepicks and hammers. Then you am cry'. Written in some kind of numbers and English combination that I barely understand myself."
"What? I may be a newcomer, but... urgh! Look, I know I promised not to go after Smashers, but can I please go and kill those two before dinner?" Snake almost pleaded, half crazed with fury. "I've had it with those annoying little kids!"
Luigi ignored his outburst. "There's a lot of pictures and words I can't make out... and oh my goodness..." He peered hard at the orange words printed on the box, some its letters blacked out completely with markers.
"...What the hell is a 'mash Bro'?"
"Arrrgh!"