Chapter 11

Separation

BPOV

Mine and Edward's relationship had gone further downhill ever since he found out about my acceptance to be Mike's date at his party. He didn't so much ignore me, he talked to me when I asked him something and would smile - weakly but still - whenever I smiled at him. But it was almost as if, he wasn't there he was distant but not in the way were you knew it was on purpose.

Mike had managed to draw a line between mine and Edward's relationship by simply giving me no other choice. The next week was agony. Edward had 3 days off school and during the weekends he went out apparently hunting - again - but I refused to believe he had to hunt so many times in the space of one week. The separation between me and Edward was unbearable and I had to do something about it. I couldn't be separated from him any longer.

Today I would have to talk to him.

Mike's party had been delayed a few days due to his poor behaviour whilst helping his mom at the shop. I was grateful of this, it gave me a few more days to get round to Edward and try to figure out an excuse of going to the party.

I knocked on Edward's bedroom door and waited,

"Go away." He called.

"Edward. Please let me in, I need to talk to you." I said to the door.

The door opened slightly and Edward popped his head around it.

"What?" He asked.

I smiled slightly, his presence always sent my heart flying. "I need to talk to you."

He sighed sadly, "Go ahead."

I was getting quite annoyed with him, "Can I come in?"

"If you must." He opened the door and I walked in past him.

His room was a mess. His black couch was at an angle the pillows strewn across the floor. Most of his books were on the floor, along with some of his favourite CD's. I noticed that his laptop was open and upside down on his couch and that his journals and pieces of paper were also scattered across the floor.

He shut the door and walked over to stand in front of me.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" He asked politely.

I shook my head, "I can't do this anymore. We were best friends just over a week ago and now look at us. We can't even talk to each other anymore." I stepped closer and he stepped away, "What happened?"

He didn't answer, so I spoke instead, "I need you Edward, I'm not happy and you make me happy. If you're not happy, I'm not happy. Don't you see that, without you I'm nothing? You mean so much to me Edward. So much it's hard to say."

Maybe I had said a little too much about how much he meant to me. I was scared to see what he said because he had made it clear before that he was still dangerous, for some unknown reason, and that I should keep my distance. I hadn't listened to him then and I certainly wasn't going to listen to him now.

He smiled, "You know, you have just explained exactly how I feel. I'm not happy anywhere if you aren't with me. You mean so much to me too. I care about you so much that it's also too hard to explain."

I smiled and he reached out to hold me in his arms. I inhaled deeply and let his mouth-watering aroma surround me.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. I didn't know why my heart thudded erratically inside my chest. His head rested against mine and then – so gently I wasn't sure he actually did – his lips pressed against my hair.

My heart was jumping out of my chest and my breathing went from deep and even to hyperventilating. Edward chuckled and pressed his lips to hair once more before pulling away.

"What are we going to do with you?" He asked.

"I don't know what you mean?" I said.

He shook his head, "It doesn't matter. I'm just sorry for acting like a jerk just because you're seeing Newton."

I pulled away, "I'm not seeing him. I just agreed to be his date for the party."

He shook his head, "That's not what Mike thinks. He's going to ask you to be his girlfriend at the party. And he's kind of told everybody that you're dating."

I was gobsmacked, "What! Is he delusional? I would never go out with him. Or any other guy at our school."

His smile faded and I had to amend my sentence, "What I meant was, Mike isn't at all my type and that neither is Eric or Tyler or any one of Mike's other friends."

His smile returned and then he was curious, "What is your type?"

I blushed, "Let's just say it's unexpected." I doubted Edward wanted to know what my type was. Especially when it was something that would send chills into every other person.

My curiosity got the better of me and I blurted out, "What's your type?"

His smile faded for a second but it returned, "Well, let's just say it is also unexpected."

After that we talked for a while and just lounged around in his room. Edward frequently moved over to put his arms around me, which I certainly didn't mind.

BPOV

"I'm only going to be gone a few days. I'll be back before you can even miss me."

"You said that last time" I moaned.

Edward pulled me into his arms and held me closely. I hated it when he had to leave. I was already feeling empty and even though I knew that it was stupid to feel this way, I couldn't help it. I would have nobody to talk to for the next few days and nobody to save me from Mike at school. I was going to miss him like crazy. I hated feeling like this. I hated knowing he was leaving. My vision became blurry and my voice became thick.

"Bella? Are you crying?" He asked pulling away to look at my face.

I kept my head down, "No." My voice gave it away.

He pulled me back into his arms, "You silly girl. You're crying just because we're all going hunting."

I shook my head, "Because you are."

His face was sad but he smiled slightly, "Bella, aren't you a bit sad that the rest are going?"

I nodded, "A little bit."

He smiled slightly, "I'll come back early if you want me too."

My eyes lit up, "Would you?"

He nodded, "Well I'm not going to leave you alone and unprotected, now am I?"

I flung my arms around his neck, "Thank you."

He chuckled, "I'll be back soon," I was dreading our parting words, "Bye, Bella."

The tears ran down my cheeks as I choked, "Bye Edward."

He kissed my forehead and then walked swiftly out the door before turning to smile at me quickly. And then he was gone.

I must have stood there for at least an hour before deciding to go to bed.

The sun had set a long time ago and I had been standing in the dark living room for what seemed like hours. I managed to make it up the stairs and to my room without tripping. I didn't even bother getting undressed and fell asleep on my bed. Sleeping a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I woke early and was undecided as to what to do.

It was just after lunch when I decided to do something. I knew that Esme had meant to clean the house before she left and I thought I would help her out by doing it for her.

I cleaned the living room and then the kitchen and dining room. I quickly dusted around Carlisle's office before tidying Alice's and then Jasper's rooms. I didn't dare touch Emmett's or Rosalie's, she had nearly bitten my head of last time I cleaned it. As for Emmett he teased me about going through his magazines.

I entered my room and quickly made my bed, ran the vacuum round and then dusted my shelves. I sorted my books and notepads out and took my trash out before making my way slowly down the stairs to the second floor, to Edward's room.

He hadn't tidied it since our last argument which meant that, his books, notepads, journals, papers, CD's and his laptop were still scattered around his room. I picked up his pillows and placed them on his couch. I put all his books back on the shelf along with his CD's. I put spare paper in the bin and the others in a neat pile on his desk.

When I had done that I carefully picked up his journals and placed them on a neat pile on the table next to his couch.

Edward had always told me I was nosy, especially when I asked about his journals but I couldn't help but take a look. I found one dated the year they adopted me and read the entry marked 24th July 1991. I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. I wondered if there was anything about me in it.

I read the first page;

24th July 1991.

Dear diary,

Bella will be four in just over two months and I still don't know how I have managed to restrain myself for this long. I thought I would kill her the very first time we met, her blood smells so delicious, even after living with her for months her scent still burns my throat like somebody has stuck a flaming hot poker down it.

I am a monster for even thinking about how delicious she smells, but even more of a monster for wondering how she would taste. Carlisle has told me it's in my nature and that I can't help it but that he has all the faith in me that I will succeed and manage to control my thirst. He says it takes practice and that it will get better. I don't know how it will when even now, with her sleeping peacefully on the floor above; I can smell her as if she is right in front of me. As if somebody is holding her in front of me, enticing me.

I don't know how or if I will ever be able to master my control so that it no longer bothers me but at the moment all I can think about, all I can smell, all I can taste is her scent.

I am a monster, for agreeing to Alice to keep away from her even when I want to and need to protect her from the outside world, but also needing to protect her from myself. It is impossible.

Bella knows that we are different and maybe to her we are monsters, but I will always be the biggest monster she needs to be or will be afraid of.

I closed the journal and placed it on the couch, open on the page. I was in complete shock. I didn't know what to think or what to say. The amount of pain I felt for Edward right now was, excruciating. It was too much to bear.

I collapsed onto the couch and wrapped my arms around my chest. Trying to hold onto the pieces of my body that were falling apart. Everything seemed to fit together now. Everything made sense.

The many reasons why Edward had always kept his distance and why he had always told me he was more dangerous than the rest of his family. Why he had always found it hard to be in the same room as me and why he had always found so hard to be around me. Everything made sense.

It was a Saturday and I wasn't expecting any visitors but the doorbell rang and I ran as fast as I could – without falling over – to get to the door.

The door was glass so I could see who it was immediately, Edward.

He stood with his back to the door waiting. Finally he turned around and went to get his key out. I panicked.

I tiptoed away from the door, without making a sound and then ran as fast as I could to get to his room to put away the journal I had been reading.

I made it to the second floor by the time he had opened the door and I was in his room in a flash. I grabbed his journal and was about to put it on the table when it was snatched from my hands.

I spun around to come face to face with Edward.

His face was full of anguish and he growled slightly. For the first time in my life, I think I was actually scared of Edward.

"Edward, I am so sorr-"

"Don't say you're sorry." He growled at me.

I stayed silent.

"How many times have I told you? Never ever read my journals. I thought you would have known that by now." He continued to glare at me, his face inches from mine. "I trusted you Bella. I trusted that you had the decency to respect my wishes."

My heart couldn't take much more of this. I knew I could no longer be trusted. Edward couldn't trust me. I could no longer trust myself. I should have just put them away, I shouldn't have read them.

"Edward, I know I shouldn't have read your journal, I just –"

"You read it! You read my journals?" He shouted in disbelief, "Alice had seen you with one but she hadn't told me you'd read it! How could you?" My throat was dry and thick. I gulped and tried to compose my hurt face.

"Bella, I trusted you with everything! Everything I held and hold dear I trusted you with. How could you do this? This is as bad as you seeing all my memories. Things I never want anybody to see. Not even you." He shouted. His growl had died down and it was replaced with just anger and disbelief.

I hung my head, knowing that he would never be able to trust me. Never. I had taken for granted what trust he had in me and gone through all of his thoughts, his memories. Things, as he said, he never wants anybody to see or know. Not even me.

"Bella, I would never do this to you. Why would you do it to me?" He asked. His voice was calmer, not completely ridden of his anger.

"I – I don't k-know. . ." I stuttered, my voice merely a whisper.

"If you don't know, then why do it? Why would you want to go through my memories and . . ." I was no longer listening.

The hot tears ran down my cheeks and my vision became blurry. I had hurt him. And my punishment was to hurt. A sob escaped my lips and Edward's rant came to a halt. The sobs escaped from my hold and I stood there, my vision blurry, my eyes red and sore already.

Edward's hand lifted my head up and his face was worried, "Bella?" His voice was soft. No anger left.

I jerked my face away from his hand and fled the room running up the stairs to my room. I slammed my door shut and flung myself on my bed.

I hated myself. I had hurt him because of me and my stupid curiosity. I hated myself soo much. The guilt that swallowed me was worse than anything I'd ever felt before. I'd hurt him. I'd invaded his space, his privacy. I'd read something I was never meant to and yet all i could think about was how much pain I had caused him then and now.

I sobbed louder and louder. My heart ached and my tears never ceased to roll down my cheeks. I stayed there for what felt like forever. The sobs ceasing and then something would remind me of him and they would start all over again.

EPOV

"If you don't know, then why do it?" I demanded, my anger dying. I couldn't be angry at her much longer. I could never be angry at Bella. But today was different. She had gone through the one thing I had told her not to. Why would you want to go through my memories and thoughts of my past? The things in some of those journals will give you nightmares. I thought I could trust you."

I was lying to her and myself then. I could always trust her. Her curiosity had got the better of her and it was one of the things I loved about her.

A small sob escaped from Bella and I stopped talking immediately. I stared at her. Her head was down and I could faintly see something glistening on her cheeks. I lifted her head up and stared at her in disbelief as my fears were confirmed.

She continued to look down but then her eyes found mine, "Bella?" I said softly. I had hurt her with my words. I had hurt her. My biggest fear had been to hurt Bella. And here I stood with my love and she was hurt.

She pulled her face from my hand and ran from the room. I heard her run up the stairs and run into her room. She shut the door and lay on her bed.

I couldn't believe what I had done. Many emotions filled me, guilt, anguish, loathing and hatred. But not towards her, towards me.

I looked down at the journal which was in my hand; it was still open at the page she had been reading. I sat down on my couch and read the entry.

24th July 1991.

Dear diary,

Bella will me four in just over two months and I still don't know how I have managed to restrain myself for this long. I thought I would kill her the very first time we met, her blood smells so delicious, even after living with her for months her scent still burns my throat like somebody has stuck a flaming hot poker down it.

I am a monster for even thinking about how delicious she smells, but even more of a monster for wondering how she would taste. Carlisle has told me it's in my nature and that I can't help it but that he has all the faith in me that I will succeed and manage to control my thirst. He says it takes practice and that it will get better. I don't know how it will when even now, with her sleeping peacefully on the floor above; I can smell her as if she is right in front of me. As if somebody is holding her in front of me, enticing me.

I don't know how or if I will ever be able to master my control so that it no longer bothers me but at the moment all I can think about, all I can smell, all I can taste is her scent.

I am a monster, for agreeing to Alice to keep away from her even when I want to and need to protect her from the outside world, but also needing to protect her from myself. It is impossible.

Bella knows that we are different and maybe to her we are monsters, but I will always be the biggest monster she needs to be or will be afraid of.

I turned the page and read on.

The truth is that I feel happier with her around, no matter how hard it is. I have always thought that I had everything I needed, a family, a house, everything I should need. But now I feel different, as if there is something in my life that I have but not to the extent where I am complete.

Bella seems to understand most of what I say and even though I know I can't read her mind, I still wish. I wish that I could see what she sees and hear what she thinks. It's strange not to be able to.

Bella is now a favourite in our family and even though she causes me pain beyond imagining, she is my favourite. My favourite to be around, to learn what she likes, what she dislikes, what she does and what she says. But Alice keeps warning me every time I get close to her. It wasn't a problem the first few weeks but now it's just annoying.

I hope I'll be able to control my instincts so that I may be able to see and help her grow up.

I closed the journal and placed next to the others.

To think that I had written that fifteen years ago. And to think fifteen years later I would fall in love with the girl who had caused me so much pain all those years ago.

I sat there for what felt like decades until finally I could wait no longer. I got up and made my way at human pace to her room.

I opened the door quietly and peeked in. I smiled slightly.

She laid on her bed, fully clothed, her hair in a wild mess around her, sleeping. Her breaths were even and slow her heartbeats barely loud enough for me to hear.

I walked in and sat next to her on her bed. She rolled over and murmured something into the covers. I listened closely as she moved her head and murmured again.

"Edward. . ." Her heart gave a little jolt as she said my name and I swear mine did too. "Edward. . . I'm. . . Sorry."

My heart filled with joy. She was apologizing even in her sleep. I smiled as she rolled over again, towards me.

"Edward. . . I. . . I . . . I. . . Love. . ." I leaned closer and breathed deeply, waiting.

She jolted upright out of bed.

I had woken her. Great.

She looked at me and then around the room. Her eyes focused on me again and then she jumped on me.

"I'm so sorry." She said as she wrapped her arms around me, sending an electric current through me. I wrapped my arms around her and cradled her to my chest.

"Shush. Don't apologize. I overacted, I should be apologizing. Not you. I'm so sorry." I said. The pain in my voice was undeniable. I had hurt her and yet she still apologized.

She silenced me with one finger over my mouth. I wanted to hold her closer, to see what it would feel like to have her lips against mine. . .

"Don't you dare apologize" She told me, "If anybody should be apologizing, it should be me. I was in the wrong. Not you."

I didn't argue but just cradled her to my chest. "Why don't we both say were sorry and forget about it. I don't like hurting you."

She nodded, "Ok. I don't like hurting you either."

I knew she meant this but I was still curious as to what she was going to say in her sleep. I wondered too much and came up with an answer that was impossible. I held her there for hours and after she had fallen asleep in my arms I murmured, "I love you."