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Deacon walked up to the music room with one of his old vintage guitars. He'd picked it up over at his old house, where Scarlett was living now, so he could display it here. As he approached the open doors, he heard guitar chords and then he heard Maddie's voice.
The shadows of regret / The ghost of things we said / They've got me dead to right / And I can't sleep tonight
So here I am again / Another one that I can't win / Well it's too late now to fight / And I can't sleep tonight
He recognized it as the first song he and Maddie had worked on together. It was early in their father-daughter relationship, when they were starting to develop that bond over root beers, guitar lessons, and a shared love of music. As awkward and stilted as those times could be, in the beginning, they were one of the best things about his life then, as he'd gotten to know a girl he'd known her whole life in a totally different way.
Love and loss and toss and turn / Light or burn, then watch the burn / I don't know who's wrong or right….
He'd considered turning back, but something made him walk to the door. She looked up and saw him, stopping her singing. She smiled shyly. "Hey, Dad."
He walked in, a little haltingly, and set the guitar in one of the many guitar stands in the room. He stood for a moment, his hands in his pockets, and then he walked over to the couch and sat down. "That's a pretty old song," he said.
She nodded. "Yeah," she said. "It was the first song we wrote together." She propped her guitar against the arm of her chair.
He shook his head. "As I recall, you wrote it. I just gave you a couple ideas."
She looked thoughtful. "You really taught me a lot about writing." She nodded towards her guitar. "And playing the guitar."
He gave her a half-smile. "It was in your blood."
"From you."
He raised his eyebrows. "And from your mama."
"I guess," she said softly. She sighed. "When did you and Mom decide to write together?"
He considered that for a moment. "Oh, wow, I don't know. I don't think we actually had any kinda conversation like 'let's write together', it just sorta happened. She was always better at lyrics than the melody. I think maybe she was working on something and she showed it to me and it just sorta came together."
"Was everything you wrote together personal?"
He nodded. "Mostly. Well, up to a point." He breathed in, thinking about how things changed after she married Teddy. They didn't write together much then and, when they did, the songs had a different tone to them. "It all came from a real place."
Maddie smiled dreamily. "My favorite song y'all wrote was 'No One Will Ever Love You'. It's just the best."
He smiled. "It's one of my favorites too. Your mama wrote most of it and then I finished it off."
She looked at him curiously. "Do you wish Mom had told you about me sooner?" she asked.
He frowned. "Maddie…."
"I'm serious, Dad. I just wish we'd had more time, you know?"
He felt a lump in his throat. "I was with you your whole life," he said, his voice a little hoarse, repeating the rationale Rayna always used.
She shook her head. "It wasn't the same," she said, and he could hear himself saying those same words to Rayna after they'd all gone on GMA – him, Rayna, and Teddy – to talk about Maddie, after it had come out that he was her biological father. "And it wasn't fair."
He breathed in. "You know, a lotta things could've been different, but they weren't," he said. "I think we could spend a lot of time being mad about it or we could just accept what we were given. I know it feels unfair, but we can't change it."
She looked down at her hands and nodded. When she looked back at him, her eyes were filled with sadness. "I miss writing with you," she said.
He caught his breath. He hadn't expected that. He didn't know what to say.
"Everything you wrote was your truth, wasn't it?" she asked then. He nodded. "I remember you told me it was three chords and the truth. Good advice."
He took a deep breath. "Was what you wrote with Cash your truth, Maddie?" he asked, challenging her a little.
She made a face and half-shrugged. "I guess. At the time it felt like my truth. Or maybe it was just what she pulled out of me."
He frowned. "Well, if that's your truth, you should really think long and hard about whether you really want it to be. People know us by what we say, whether it's a song we write or a speech we make. Be sure yours is the one you wanna be known by." He stood up then. "Just think about it." He ran a hand over the back of his neck as he glanced around the room at the many album covers and awards and other memorabilia of Rayna's, that he had added to since he'd moved in. This is all truth. He hoped Maddie learned from that.
Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room.
####
Juliette watched as Emily carried Cadence out of the room. Deacon had been watching as well and then he turned back to her, a smile on his face. "She's grown up a lot since the last time I saw her," he said.
Juliette smiled back. "I guess she was a baby then, huh?" she said. Then she laughed. "I mean, a tiny baby." She sighed. "I can't believe she's gonna be a year old before long." She bit her lip. "I missed a lot, but I'm so glad to have the chance to see the rest." She watched as he sat in the chair opposite her, a shadow crossing his face for a moment. "I'm sorry," she said, a contrite look on her face. "I guess you missed more than I did."
He breathed in and nodded. "Yeah, I guess." He shrugged. "Rayna always says I was with her all the time, which is true, but it ain't the same."
She looked at him with concern. Maddie had told her things were still tenuous and awkward and she'd heard the sadness in the girl's voice whenever she talked about Deacon. "So how are things going? With Maddie?" she asked.
He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, you know. She's all up in arms right now about the set list for her record. I'm sure she's told you. The shadow of Cash Gray is still there." He sounded angry and bitter.
"Yeah, I guess so." She sighed. "She'll learn, though. Like I did. I sang that same kind of naughty stuff back when I was starting out." She winked at him. "But then I met someone who challenged me to think differently about songwriting."
He frowned. "I don't want her getting mixed up with someone more than twice her age. We already done that with Vince Pierce." He practically spat out the producer's name.
She laughed. "I didn't mean it had to go exactly the same way," she said. "But, you know, she has the exact same person to influence her that I did." She nodded towards him. "You."
He breathed out. "She said she missed writing with me. But I ain't ready for that. It's still too, I don't know, raw or something."
She nodded. "I get it. But you're talking, right? Working through it all?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. I mean, I want to. I know I'm supposed to want to. Rayna, well, she's so glad Maddie's back it's like she don't really care about what happened anymore." He cleared his throat. "Actually, it ain't that she don't care, but she just wants to sort of forget that it happened. Just move on." His eyes looked haunted as he looked at her. "I just ain't been able to do that."
She frowned. "What are you afraid of?" she asked.
He let out a short laugh and shook his head. "You know, I never thought about being a dad. At least not after Rayna and I were done. I was pretty sure I wasn't cut out to be one. When I first found out Maddie was mine, I was afraid to try. And she didn't really want any part of me then. And Rayna didn't want me to be a dad to her. I figured I just wasn't made that way and that maybe we'd just leave it be. And turns out we were probably all right about that."
She shook her head vehemently. "I don't understand why you think that. You've been a great dad. You love Maddie."
He looked down at his hands and shrugged. "I guess that ain't enough. I had no good role model for being a dad. All the stuff they brought up in the courtroom, that just proves I got no business being anyone's dad. All Maddie's seen is more of the bad side, just like my own father. She was better off with Teddy."
"That's just crazy, Deacon," she said heatedly. "I mean, I understand. You more'n anyone knows about my role model for being a parent. I never wanted to be the kind of mama I had, but I was. But you haven't been that kind of dad. All those things you told me – most of 'em were a long time ago and didn't impact Maddie at all. Everything else was you protecting her. You're such a good man, Deacon, with a good heart. Loyal. Please don't say you're not a good dad."
He looked at her. "But she didn't think so. And Rayna probably wonders if I can be."
She bit her lip. "Have you talked to Rayna about this?"
He looked away. "Not exactly."
"Well, that's who you should be talking to. And then the two of you should talk to Maddie. Let her know you're a united front. That you love her and support her and will always be there for her." She leaned forward and he looked back at her. "Don't wait too long."
####
Maddie was in her closet picking out clothes for New York. When she walked back out to put them in her suitcase, Daphne was sitting on her bed. "Hey, Daph," she said, with a smile.
Daphne frowned. "Why do you have to go to New York?" she asked.
Maddie laid the clothes on the bed and started to fold them, adding them to her suitcase. "You know why. That's where I'm recording my album," she said.
"I want to go."
Maddie stopped and looked at her. "You can't. You have school and stuff." She picked up a blouse and added it to the suitcase. "And I'll be back in a couple weeks."
Daphne scowled. "It's three and a half weeks, not a couple weeks." She flung herself back against the pillow. "Why do you have to be gone so long?"
Maddie tried not to get annoyed. "That's just what it takes, Daph," she said.
"So what about Highway 65?"
Maddie felt a knot in her stomach. She still had mixed feelings about all of this. She hated hurting her sister, but at the same time, she really did want to move forward with her own career, on her own terms. It had caused such upheaval, though, and that part always made her feel mixed up. She looked at her sister and sighed. "Daphne, my contract with Highway 65 was voided," she said.
Daphne made a face. "What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means that I don't work for Highway 65 anymore. I work for Lennox Hill. I'll be making my album for Lennox Hill."
Daphne looked both surprised and hurt. "So what about me?"
Maddie shrugged. "I don't know, Daphne. You probably need to ask Mom."
"So we don't have a contract together anymore?"
Maddie shook her head. "No." She sat on the bed. "Daphne, I'm sorry, but I really wanted to go out on my own. A couple of labels wanted to sign me after I performed with Juliette and I really want to do that. But we can still sing together at home."
Daphne scowled at her sister and shook her head vehemently. "I don't want to just sing together at home, Maddie!" she shouted. "I want to be able to sing with you at the Bluebird and the Opry and places like that. Make records together. Just like we used to. Like we planned."
"I don't think we can do that anymore, Daphne. I don't think my label will let me do that." She watched as Daphne took that in, tears filling up her eyes. She reached across the bed, trying to grab her sister's hand, but Daphne pulled away and jumped off the bed. "Daphne, please," she begged.
Daphne headed for the door and was running out just as Rayna walked through the door. She pushed against her mom as she ran past, wailing, "It's not fair!"
Rayna looked first at Maddie in surprise, then turned back towards the hall. "Daphne? What's going on? Daphne?" She turned back then to Maddie. "What's going on?" she asked again, looking confused.
Maddie took a deep breath and looked away. "I think she's upset that I'm leaving," she murmured.
Rayna frowned and walked over to the bed, sitting opposite Maddie. "What happened to upset her?" she asked.
Maddie glared at her. "What I just said. I'm leaving."
Rayna shook her head. "I don't believe it's just that," she said. "What were you two talking about?"
Maddie sighed and rolled her eyes, then sat down on the bed. "She's mad because I want to be a solo artist," she said quietly.
"That's what you told her?" She raised her eyebrows and gave Maddie a sharp look.
"Sort of. She wants us to sing together again." She turned to face her mom. "Mom, I love singing with her. I do! But right now, I want to see what it's like to be on my own. Be a solo artist. You understand that, right?"
Rayna breathed out. Maddie thought she looked disappointed. "I do understand, Maddie," she said finally. "But all of this has been hard for your sister. And I understand how she feels too." She smiled, a little sadly. "I was the little sister once. Watching my older sister leave me behind. There had been so much turmoil in our lives too and I needed her."
Maddie sighed. "So, am I supposed to give up my dreams because it hurts her feelings? Is that what Aunt Tandy did?"
Rayna shook her head. "No, just remember." She reached across the bed for Maddie's hand. "This has been hard for all of us, you know. I watched you turn away from me, reject everything I had ever tried to do for you. All I wanted was to protect you, Maddie. It's what I've done your entire life."
"You can't do that forever, Mom. I'm growing up. You have to let me fly on my own."
"I know." Rayna nodded and smiled just a little. "I think that's what I'm learning from all this. I'm your mama, though, and I'll always want to protect you and keep you from harm. I don't want bad things to happen to you and I want to smooth the way. But I'm realizing that I'm not always gonna be able to do that for you." She sighed. "I need to let you make your own way. Make your mistakes and learn from them. I did. Just remember, though, that I'm here if you need me. I won't ever abandon you."
Maddie looked at her carefully then. "Is that what PawPaw did? He abandoned you?" She was surprised to see tears in her mom's eyes then.
"Kind of. He told me that if I pursued my dream of being a country music artist that he wouldn't support me. And he didn't. At least not then and not so that I really knew he did. He wanted different things for me and he thought he knew better. But I was stubborn." She laughed a little then. "Just like he was. And like a certain sixteen year old I know." Maddie smiled then too. "I guess that's part of it, Maddie. I see so much of myself in you and I just want to spare you the struggles I went through. But you probably need to go through them, just like I did."
Maddie squeezed her mom's hand. "I promise that if I don't know something or get in over my head, I'll ask you for help."
Rayna slid over and hugged Maddie. "That's all I can ask for, I guess." Then she laughed. "Well, one more thing. You can still sing with your sister and I hope you will."
Maddie nodded. "I will."
Rayna moved to get up from the bed. "I guess I should let you get finished. I know Glenn will be here for you soon." She walked over to the door and then turned back, a serious look on her face. "One more thing. Be patient with your father. He's working through this his own way. I know he wants to make things right."
Maddie felt her emotions surge to the surface. "I want that so bad," she whispered.
####
When Deacon walked in the back door, Rayna looked up from the book she was reading. She smiled. "Hey, babe," she said.
He made his way over to the couch and sat down beside her. She put her book down and sat forward, leaning in for his kiss. "Hey," he said with a smile. He looked around the room. "Everybody gone?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Maddie left earlier for New York and Daphne's got a sleepover with Simone. So it's just us." She winked. He smiled but didn't say anything. "Where've you been?"
He shrugged. "I went to a meeting. Then I just went down on First Street. Looking at some stuff."
She looked at him questioningly. "What kind of stuff?"
He breathed out. "I gotta do something, baby. The Beverly's gone." He shook his head and let out a sharp laugh. "I walked by there and it's all back to what it used to be."
She grabbed his hand. "Oh, babe, I'm sorry. But I wish you hadn't done that."
He looked irritated. "I hadn't planned to, it just happened," he said, his voice testy.
"But all that does is remind you of…."
He pulled his hand away. "I know, Rayna. I just ended up there," he said, his voice a mix of anger and hurt. "There was hardly nobody going in or out though, not like it was."
She had a quiver of anxiety. "You didn't go in, did you?" she asked, a little fearfully.
He frowned. "'Course not. I ain't allowed to," he said sarcastically. "You know that." He took a deep breath. "But when I was standing there, I thought about how that was something I did good at. Running that place, turning it around. And I liked feeling like I had a purpose."
She took his hand back. "Babe, you still have a purpose," she said soothingly.
He raised his eyebrows. "What? Taking Daphne to school? Dropping her off at dance class or a friend's house? Waiting for you to come home?" He stood up and started pacing, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. Then he turned to face her. "You hated it when I bought into that bar. I know that. You never were on board, not really. And it was because it wasn't what you picked for me. Not just that it was a bar or that you were worried because I'm an alcoholic owning a bar, but because I decided that. But it was for me, Rayna. It was something I was proud of, because I did it. I made it successful, I put my heart into it, even though I knew you didn't want it for me." He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. "I really need something. I don't think I can get past all of this if I don't have something for me."
She looked up at him for a moment, then got up from the couch and walked over to him. She looked into his eyes, filled with pain and hurt and need, and then she took a step closer and put her arms around him, leaning against his chest. She'd been taken back, for a second, to a very similar conversation she'd had with Teddy, back when he wanted to run for mayor. She never wanted Deacon to feel like Teddy had, like he was just standing on the side of the stage. She tightened her arms and felt him wrap his arms around her in return. "I will support whatever you choose," she said. "I just want us to talk about it. Together."
Rayna looked up as Deacon came around to where she was sitting, on the pool deck. He handed her a glass of iced tea and then took a seat next to her, setting down his own glass. It was still warm, in the late spring evening, and he reached for her hand. She took it and smiled at him.
"You know I don't mind taking Daphne anywhere," he started.
She shook her head and shushed him. "It's okay. I knew what you were getting at." She sat up and cleared her throat. "I never really thought about the fact that you might be feeling a little at loose ends, babe. I guess I've just been so caught up in getting Maddie situated and all." She squeezed his hand and looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I really do want to listen to what's next for you. What you want."
He leaned towards her and kissed her. "I don't know a hundred percent yet, but here's what I was thinking." He let go of her hand and picked up the glass of tea and sipped it, then set it back down, clearing his throat. "First and foremost, I want us to make music together. The way we talked about."
She smiled and nodded. "I want to do that too," she said. "I want to write with you, be on stage with you again."
He smiled at her. "I'd like that. All of it. But, like I told you, when I was running the bar, I really felt like I was starting to kinda hit my stride. I don't know that I want to do that exactly, again, but when I was walking down on First, there's a few empty spots there and I was thinking about some kinda place like the Bluebird or the Listening Room, a place for new talent and up-and-comers, you know? A place to spotlight new artists." He grinned at her. "Like when you want to spotlight someone from Highway 65."
She grinned back at him. "You mean, I could have my own personal spotlight location? I'd get first choice?"
"You're always first choice for me, baby." He laughed. "But yeah, Highway 65 would have special privileges." He looked at her apprehensively. "What do you think?"
She reached for his hand again, feeling surprisingly overwhelmed with emotions. Together we're wiser and we're stronger. She threaded her fingers through his. She breathed in slowly. She looked in his eyes, seeing the anxiety there, as though he were afraid of her response. She wet her lips. "I was just thinking about what I said to you, the day we got married," she said. "'Together we're wiser and we're stronger'. Somehow, in the middle of all of this…this mess we've been going through, I think I forgot that." She looked at him earnestly. "Deacon, you're my whole world. You have been since I was sixteen years old. You've always been there and I couldn't imagine my future without you." She could see his eyes getting misty and she smiled tremulously. "When we got married, after all the struggle and uncertainty and cautiousness, I thought we'd do everything together. Make every decision, live every moment, share every high and low. I thought we'd already been tested with the worst life could give us. But it turned out I was wrong. And it felt like we lost our way a little bit. I don't ever want that to happen again. I can't do any of this without you." She swallowed. "I want you to take whatever time you need to get through whatever you need to and make whatever decisions you need to." She felt tears and wiped at her eyes with her free hand. She smiled joyously at him. "And I think your idea is terrific and I can't wait to see what you do with it." He's mine and I'm his. Forever and always. I'm never going to forget that again.
He smiled back and then he laughed a little, raising her hand to his lips and kissing her fingers gently, his eyes filled with love and gratitude. "Maybe it can be that place where we can make some music together," he said.
She grinned. "That's what I was hoping you'd say."
Next chapter will be a lot more Deacon/Maddie-centric, now that Deacon and Rayna are on more solid ground. Stay tuned!