In the months since he had arrived, he had read nearly half of the books in the cabin. His memory retention had not been affected by his being human, though some of his earliest angelic memories did seem a bit hazy when he recalled them. Within a couple of weeks of arriving Sam had sent him a laptop with instructions on how to set up something called a video chat. Teleconferencing was becoming his preferred way of communication with the bunker, though Sam and Kevin went to pains to avoid chatting with him when Dean was there. Sometimes though, he heard him and he winced every time he heard him.
Besides that though, he was contributing what he could to the team in regards to lore and strategic advice from his end. Kevin especially asked for his help in trying to understand the angel tablet. Also he was able to see this Charlie and she was more than happy to finally see him. She rambled at length about how dreamy he was and thanked him for all he had done. Apparently she had read the books that Chuck was still mysteriously publishing. None of them talked about him coming to the bunker, and the subject of Dean was utterly taboo.
In his own time, which was all the time, he read. Not only was he reading lore, but there were technical manuals and how-to guides as well. He also allotted himself time to just watch TV. Even though he viewed it as superfluous hobby, the majority of people did watch it. Figuring it was the best to acclimate himself with 'pop' culture. He had grown attached to a show called Downton Abbey and the complex social interactions its characters provided. With the laptop, he was able to browse the internet as well since he learned how to do that at the library.
It was a daily struggle on the streets to survive, and it left little time for him to fully learn what it means to be human. Being homeless taught his self-reliance and resilience, but not so much about culture. Or anything regarding intimate physical touch either. Not that he had shame, he knew it was a social taboo at least to be naked or aroused in public. Even when he had his own tent, he ignored truly exploring his body.
Now he had the time to do so. He hadn't had thought about it until about a week after he had been. The dream he had was a pleasant one, featuring Dean and it was of a more erotic nature. He had woken up obviously aroused by it. Instead of ignoring it as he had before, he tentatively explored himself. Previously when this happened, he didn't do anything besides waiting for his erection subside. He knew male methods of self-gratification can become messy and he was somewhat shy of doing such an intimate thing even in the tent city.
Discarding all his clothing, he recalled the dream and previous dreams he had of Dean. And not just the dreams, but also actual memories, like Dean's laugh, his hand on his face. From there, he was surprised on how agile his mind was in creating new fascinating fantasies and its effects on his libido. His breathing slowed, and he felt warm and running his hands over his chest, his nipples were pert. Slowly, he grabbed hold of his erect penis, how engorged it felt, the weight and the velvety smoothness of the shaft. The pressure even his slight hold made him buck slightly. When he swiped the head of his cock with his thumb, especially under the glans, the wave of pleasure cascaded over him. He just wanted friction, plain and simple, so he began stroking up and down with one hand while the other he explored other parts of his body. All the while, he kept a vision of Dean, imagining him watching him, pretending it was his hand on him. Eventually, he used both hands and made a fist that he madly pumped into with his hips. When he reached orgasm, he screamed out Dean's name as the world blew into blinding white.
He panted for several minutes afterwards, just reveling in what he just experienced. If this was what the goal of having physical relations with other persons was, he now knew why humans sought it so often. It was extremely relaxing, even the rest of the day went by pleasantly enough. His natural curiosity he indulged in looking for more information in such matters. Googleing the terms for masturbation and self-pleasure brought forth a whole plethora of articles, videos and pictures. Needless to say, he found that he had to relieve himself a couple more times that day.
Every time he did so though, he imagined Dean. It was always Dean that invaded not only his fantasies, but also his thoughts in whatever task he was doing. He knew that he loved Dean, and the more he learned about human social customs, he knew more on why Dean had a difficult time understanding his attraction. There was no way he was going to let these feelings go, but he could learn to bury them. It worked for Dean, so he could do it too. If Dean ever came back in his life, he was going to be the Cas Dean remembered, not the person he is now.
There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think about Cas, if only for a second. Even if some of those days he was running for his life or hunting for an ancient relic. Everyone, and by everyone he meant Sam, insisted that he give Cas some space. He could do that. So he admitted to himself that there was some attraction between him and the ex-angel. Didn't know if that would translate into a relationship or whatever, but Cas was still his best friend. He's still pretty sure he's straight, but beating you meat thinking about another dude might say otherwise.
Cas at the very least deserved to go out with him to make up for him being an ass. He's not calling it a date, but just hanging out doesn't seem the right term. Going on a date, or whatever, he had no idea on what to do, let alone a gay date…thing. Dean doesn't do dates, he does cheesy pickup lines. Clubs and dancing is not his thing, neither is the whole being romantic thing. He skips dating and goes straight to the bedroom. Which he wants to avoid at all costs, it's one thing thinking about it, another actually doing it.
He knew that Sam and the others were keeping in contact with him. The number that Cas originally called him on has since been disconnected. There was one day he walked into the library unseen and he heard Cas's voice. His heart leapt at the thought that Cas was in the bunker, but when he peeked in, he say that it was coming from the laptop that Kevin had in front of him. Cas was making good on his word in not dealing with him.
As the weeks drew by, he threw himself into his various missions, hitting the road as often as possible. He had figured out that Cas could only be at the old cabin, and he had thought of heading up there to see him. Talking himself down though, he never went through with it. Not until Christmas was around the corner. They had been in the bunker for almost three days straight and he was going stir crazy. Sam wanted to sit out on another road trip again, citing a cold he had gotten. So he went off alone lying about a possible wendingo sighting.
Before he headed up there, he stopped by the store to get some stuff. He wasn't good with gifts, but he can cook. Doubting that Cas had learned cook, so he can make him his now sought after burgers. Getting to the cabin was a little difficult as there was snow on the road, but he made it. Putting the Impala in park, he turned off the engine and took a deep breathe.
He was inside moaning softly Dean's name pleasuring himself when he heard a knock on the door. Shaking off his fantasy, he quickly put on just some sweat pants and got a silver knife. Looking out the window, he saw the familiar car and he froze. It was either Sam, Dean or both. But Sam would have told him he was coming. Which means it could only be Dean…or someone pretending to be Dean. There was a louder knock. He checked the two bottles by the door and the knife he had was silver. Opening the door quickly he threw the holy water and cleaning solution at Dean.
"Cas! What the hell!" Dean said as he wiped his face. "It's cold as shit out there and you throw water on me?" Since he wasn't in pain, he just handed Dean the knife and crossed his arms.
"I thought you of all people would appreciate my precautions. Now cut yourself Dean." He didn't know to be upset or happy with Dean being here, so he was being cautious.
Sighing, Dean held out his arm and gave himself a shallow cut, "there happy?" Then Dean looked him over and blushed. "Uh…Cas, can you…um, put some more clothes on?"
"No. I am quite comfortable." He had actually gotten used to being naked, and he preferred to not wear clothes if he could. Possibly a leftover trait when he was insane, but being confined in a body was bad enough, clothes just added insult. If this was making Dean uncomfortable, then so be it.
Dean turned a deeper shade of pink at that, but he didn't say anymore as he let Dean in. He was also carrying a bag that he set on the small dinner table. Turning around, he looked around the place. "You fixed this place up?"
"Yes. I even repaired that leak the bathroom faucet had and cleaned out the clogs in the drains. May I offer you a drink? I have tea or water only."
"Naw, I brought beer. Want one?" Dean offered grabbing the pack out the bag. He nodded and Dean handed him one too. Dean kept his gaze away from his bare chest, but on his face. He reached out and ran his hand on his beard. "Still not shaving it eh?" He grabbed Dean's wrist.
"Dean, don't." As much as he wanted Dean to touch him, he can't let him. If he lets him do even this, he would just Dean even more. This little signals Dean gives were confusing, and he can't deal with it. "I am happy to see you, but what do you want?"
He dropped his arm frowning, "I came to see you Cas."
"And did Sam tell you where I was?" he asked crossing his arms, giving the pretense he was upset.
"No, it doesn't take a genius to figure out where he put you. Listen Cas, I…I just wanted to talk. If you're ok with that, if not, I'll go if you want me to."
Sighing, he sat down at on the chair, "no, you can stay Dean. It's almost dark and the roads here are icy."
Dean smiled, "cool." He sat down across from him and chugged his entire beer. "I'm sorry," he said looking right him once he put the beer down.
He tilted his head, "sorry for what Dean?"
"For leading you on Cas. For not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for that." Dean reached over and took another beer. "It's…umm, not every day a guy tells me he loves me."
"Those feelings haven't changed Dean, nor do I expect them to. I cannot help how I feel Dean. But, I can control them, maybe in time, move beyond them. Looking on what's happening out there, I need to get back out there to help. I've had enough time hiding, my brothers and sisters need my help and so do you."
"Yeah, true, we do need your help." Dean opened the second bottle and took a long swig. "But I…uh, I'm ok with you. You liking me." He took another drink. "It's weird, but…it's kinda…mutual?"
Squinting his eyes, "what are you saying Dean?" If Dean was being honest, and not pulling his chain as the saying goes, that would be…remarkable.
Dean finished the second bottle and got up. He reached into the bag again and brought out a bottle of whiskey. Getting two glasses, he sat back down and poured them each a shot. "What I'm saying Cas is…I''m…." he took a shot and poured himself another one, "I'm attracted to you too. Don't know if it's something to do with that ever bond we have, but I…need you." He took another shot.
That was a revelation that made his heart skip. He also took a shot and smiled at Dean while he poured them both another one.
Two beers and three shots in under five minutes, that was a lot even for him. He thought this would be easy but he needed hunters helper to get through this one. Now that it was over with and the truth was out there, he felt relieved. Seeing that Cas was smiling, he let his eyes wander across the other man's chest. Cas didn't have much muscle as he did, but his pecs were visible but his nipples too small that what he's used to. Oh god, he needed to change the subject.
"So…what were you doing before I came?"
"Masturbating." Cas replied casually. He nearly spit out the whiskey, but he needed it to do down not out. He looked at the smirking man across from him once he was sure he could keep it down.
"Ah…ok. Got that one figured out apparently."
Cas just nodded, "yes, I find it pleasurable. There was little privacy to fully…appreciate my body before in the city."
"So…you still didn't…you know."
"No. I have not engaged in sexual relations with anyone else Dean." Cas answered, "I believe that an emotion connection is needed to fully enjoy the act of sex in itself. As such, I have been…chaste. Self-gratification though is not a sin, contrary to many religions, and one I am happy to partake in." Cas looked at him what looked like an impassive face, but there was something in his eyes that he couldn't quite place while when Cas added. "I would like to engage in sex someday, I hear it is quite enjoyable with another person."
He got that right, "oh yeah, it is." Getting up and headed to the stove, he turned his back to Cas while he began unpacking the bag completely. "Figured you've been living off canned crap, so I thought I might make you my famous burgers." Maybe if he started cooking, he could distract himself from looking at a half-naked Cas who was talking about sex.
He felt a hand on his shoulder that spun him around and suddenly he was facing Cas who was entirely to close. His face was right up to his and their eyes said everything. Cas's held a deep memory, of someone ancient who has experienced sorrow and heartbreak. Cas saw through his empty bravado and had seen his sad guilt ridden soul. And then suddenly Cas moved in and began kissing him, stroking his check with one hand while the other gripped him closer into his bare chest.
And he…he kissed back.