Prompt: If you really want to I'll let you go

This goes AU somewhere around mid-season 17 and this scene is at the end of Manhattan Transfer.

'You and I are done talking.'

His words seem to echo in her head, over and over. She can't get his look of betrayal out of her mind either.

The wine bottles on the rack remain untouched tonight- she fears if she starts she won't stop. Her heart is breaking, and it's her own damn fault.

She's sitting on her couch, in the dark, holding her son and watching the DVD menu for Frozen play over and over, remote out of reach and unwilling to disturb Noah.

So she just sits, breathes in his beautiful baby scent, and tries to figure out how exactly she went from having Barba as her best friend to him unwilling to speak with her in what seemed like a minute.

Well- that's one lie to herself. They have been on rocky ground since the Terrence Reynolds case. She thought things were getting better after the hostage situation at the townhouse, but after seeing his face tonight? She's not sure.

Another lie is that it's not tearing her apart. He'd been her rock during hard times for the past few years, and now when she was dealing with the worst flashbacks and nightmares since the immediate aftermath of her abduction, she felt so alone and couldn't even call him.

Fuck, why did it have to shake out like this? Why did she have to pick Tucker to be the one she leaned on? She knew it was bad timing and not fair to him, but after being grilled by Barba in front of the grand jury she found herself in an unfamiliar bar and stumbled upon the IAB Captain.

One thing led to another, and before she knew it she was hooking up with Ed Tucker. He was good to her, good in bed, and refused to talk shop. Easy and uncomplicated. Under the radar. Just exactly what she needed to escape from her hectic life for a little while.

A knock at her door breaks her out of her reverie. Frowning, she carefully stands and walks over to the door, cradling Noah against her. She looks through the peephole, surprised to see the man of her thoughts standing there, looking apprehensive.

Shifting Noah's weight to one arm, she unlocks the door and swings it open, putting a finger to her lips and glancing down at her son.

"Come in, just give me a few minutes to put him down and I'll meet you in the living room. Feel free to turn on a light," she whispers, turning around at his nod of acknowledgment and going to tuck Noah into his bed.

She takes longer than probably is necessary, checking his diaper twice, blankets, the lock on the window (that she never opens anyway), and anything else she can think of to stall.

Finally she gives Noah one last kiss, takes a deep breath, and goes to face the music.

In the living room, she finds Barba sitting on the couch, having turned on a lamp and the kitchen lights and turned off the movie.

She stops in the kitchen to put the kettle on. "I'm making tea- do you want some? Or something else?" she asks, trying to delay their conversation a little bit longer.

Busying herself with the tea, she doesn't hear him enter the kitchen. When he answers, he's right behind her and it makes her jump.

"Tea is good- sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you," he apologizes, very aware of what memories that evokes.

She shakes her head, "It's okay, I'm always jumpy at night," she acknowledges with a wry smile. She reaches up for another mug for his tea, intentionally choosing his favorite, one that Noah painted in various shades of green.

"What do you want to talk about? I'm assuming you've decided we can talk now?" she asks, letting her frustration show.

Rafael takes a deep breath, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck subconsciously. "Yeah. I'm sorry about earlier- I should have handled that differently." He pauses, looking at her, feeling the ache of their distance. "I was just so shocked. I mean- I kind of thought... After last week... Well, I didn't know you were seeing anyone."

Her heart clenches at how insecure and quiet his voice is, and she turns around to look at him.

"I'm not," she shakes her head when he raises his eyebrows at that. "Not anymore. I... Had a thing with him... but lately I just... needed some space, I guess."

Actually, she had realized that she didn't want to waste anymore time with someone she couldn't picture growing old with, but she didn't want to get into that yet. No use sending him running for the hills before they even go on a date.

A confused and frustrated look crosses Rafael's face. "Why didn't you say that in my office?"

She gets defensive. "Because you had already made up your mind! You were too upset and weren't going to believe anything I had to say."

"Liv... " he trails off.

She shakes her head, turning away from him when the kettle boils. "I never would have kissed you if I was involved with someone else." She says quietly, a hint of hurt colouring her tone. "I can't believe you think I would."

"I don't, really. I just, I let my feelings take over, and it was the jealousy talking. I'm having a hard time believing that it actually happened, we haven't had a chance to talk about it." He takes her elbow and gently turns her to look at him, then adds in barely more than a whisper, "I've been wanting this- you- for a really long time."

Olivia closes her eyes, and whispers back, "Me too, even though it might not seem like it."

Rafael reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing gently, drawing her gaze back to his. "I'm sorry I overreacted. Tomorrow we need to go over all the evidence and do our due diligence with Tucker-" at this she pulls back, ready to defend the IAB Captain but Rafael raises his hand to stop her and continues, "I'm trusting you- we will give him the benefit of the doubt but we have to look into it. It will look like we're covering for him if we don't, and then the investigation will be 'transferred' to another department and you know it's likely to get buried."

Olivia nods, she doesn't trust anyone else to not be on the take. "Fine. I really don't think he's involved but you're right- we have to look into it regardless. But that doesn't mean we stop looking at the church- that's exactly what the Monsignor wants."

"Yes, I'm sure that's exactly why he came to see me. But enough about that- it's for tomorrow. Tonight we have something else to discuss."

Olivia leans back against the counter and crosses her arms, waiting for him to continue, he obviously has something on his mind.

Rafael runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a sigh. "I...shit," he chuckles wryly under his breath. "I had a whole speech planned but now..." he looks up at Olivia and shrugs. "I don't know what you want. And that's throwing me off because usually it feels like I can read your mind. So I'll just tell you what I want, and then we can go from there."

He takes a deep breath and looks right into her eyes. "I want to take you out for dinner. Maybe to see a show. I want to go to the park with you and Noah. I want to kiss you again. But most of all, I want you to be happy. So if you don't want any of that, it's okay. If you don't want this I'll let you go."

"You would walk away just like that?"

He swallows hard, then nods. "I want you to be happy. I'll respect whatever you decide."

Liv purses her lips thoughtfully and says, "Okay."

His stomach drops at her response. As much as it hurts, he will honour her wishes. He bows his head and bites his lip in an attempt to hold in the emotion.

"Okay," Rafael repeats in a whisper and turns to exit the kitchen.

"Okay, I want all of it," she says as she reaches out and takes hold of his elbow preventing his escape.

His eyes snap to hers, questioning. "Really?"

Olivia slides her hand from his elbow down to his hand and pulls him into her. Wrapping her other hand around the back of his neck she leans up slightly and kisses him slowly.

"I want," she breathes out before kissing him again. "You."