A/N: Dear readers, it seems that I have turned some of you off with my latest chapter. I do recognize that it doesn't quite seem to fit the summary of this story, but for me, it felt necessary in order to get to the next level of WilSon fantasies. I hope you stick with it! Thanks for your continued feedback and support.
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Sonny, I am sorry I left like I did. I was just overwhelmed by your question. Plz can we meet later 2 talk?
Okay Will. Where should we meet? I'm off work at 4. Sonny's text back is very short and to the point. This is going to take some time to undo the damage you've done by turning down his offer to move in with him.
Meet me at the pub at 4:30. I'll c u then. I love u.
C u at 4:30. Even shorter. Not a word of affection or confirmation of his love for you.
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You are at the pub by 4:15 and had called your Grandma Caroline ahead of time to make sure the quietest table in the corner was reserved for you. Opening the menu, you page through it, not really seeing anything on it. You are worried and nervous and so terribly sorry you left Sonny's place like you did. You've not gone this long without seeing or hearing from him since your big baby news was announced at Gabi and Nick's first wedding. It was that same look - the one you said you never wanted to see on Sonny's face ever again - that appeared the other night when you told him "No". Remembering once again the pain and confusion in his eyes, the frustration of being taken completely by surprise, the shock that you could do this to him, you know that this meeting is absolutely critical to your future together. You need to explain yourself. And your decision. And you need him to understand why you did what you did.
At exactly 4:30, Sonny walks into the pub, searches the place and finds his way back to the table in the corner where you wait anxiously for him. He looks exhausted, solemn, and he icily gives you his cheek when you rise to kiss him. This is going to be even harder than you expected.
"Sonny," you might as well get started now, so you rush right in, "I am so sorry that I left the other night without talking to you. I should never have turned you down without providing an explanation."
"Okay, Will," he meets your glance and even though he is here physically sitting next to you, you can tell his thoughts are far away. "Then why did you?"
His question is simple and emotionless. "Sonny, please listen to all I have to say, okay?" You swallow and blow out the breath you have been holding. "What I have to say is not me trying to make excuses for my behavior; I know it's too late for that. I've done damage to our relationship that I need to mend. So, what I tell you is just my honest feelings. It is what is truly, deeply in my heart and soul right now. I want to be as truthful with you as possible."
His expression changes little, but you see his eyes squint shut at your last sentence. You take it in and move on quickly.
"I love you so much, that hasn't - and won't ever change, Sonny. These last few months exploring our fantasies has been so incredible. I'm so glad we trust each other enough to experiment and play. So, when you asked me to move in, at first all I could think about was that I could have this," you motion around you, "us, all the time. But when I search deep down for what I really want from our relationship, I realize that my feelings have changed over time. And moving in with you is no longer all that I want." His eyes pop open once again stunned at your declaration, and he shakes his head, crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks away from you.
"Will, are you breaking up with me?" Sonny's voice is terse and shaky. You think you see his eyes growing damp, but he doesn't let you observe him for long, moving his hands to cover his face.
"Sonny," you reach out and try to pull his hands down so you can meet his eyes. "No, Sonny. I do not want to break up. I told you that I love you so much."
"Then why, Will?" his voice bellows over the hum of pub conversation and a few customers turn to try to locate the noise's origin. "You have told me so many times how much you felt at home at my apartment...how you wished you never had to leave. And I offer you the opportunity to make that a reality and you turn me down. Will, I'm afraid I just don't understand what you want anymore. I have been having the best time...the handcuffs, the champagne, the blindfold...all of it has been amazing and hot and fun. Maybe this means we don't want the same things. Maybe our lives are just headed in two different directions?" Sonny finishes by throwing his hands up in total frustration. "Maybe we should break up, Will."
No, no, no...this is the last place you wanted the conversation to go. It's the furthest thing from the truth. But you are doing a really lame job of convincing Sonny of that.
"Sonny, please, I'm not through with what I need to tell you. That's why I asked you to listen to all I have to say, okay?" You are pleading with him, begging him to stick with you as you fumble through the rest of your apology.
"Fine, Will. Go on." Thank goodness he's giving you another chance to get this right. So, you better do that this time.
"I do love being with you at your apartment; I feel safe, loved, comfortable...like I've finally found somewhere I belong. It's not a feeling I'm used to and being bounced around from place to place and parent to parent has resulted in me pretty much refusing to put down roots and admit when I'm finally happy somewhere." You take another deep breath and press on. You are relieved to see Sonny relaxing a little into his chair, his attention now clearly focused on you.
"And then to feel like that at your place, wow, it floored me that I let myself get that strongly attached to being there with you. It also terrified me...because in my experience, just as soon as I'd get comfortable, something would change. And I'd lose everything. So, I stopped letting myself get comfortable. Until you. That moment after the first time we made love, laying side by side, holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, I finally felt like I was home. Then the morning we woke up together after a full night of beautiful lovemaking, that was the most amazing day of my life. And for once, I didn't stop myself from getting comfortable." You break for moment to clear your throat and realize that you are extremely thirsty. You stand abruptly from the table, "I'm going to get myself a glass of water, would you like one?" Sonny nods his head and you head to the bar for two glasses. You return to the table, set one in front of him and take a long gulp from yours. By the time you are done, your glass is already two-thirds of the way empty.
"Okay, Will, clearly you needed a drink. Do you need a refill already?" Sonny let himself smile just a little.
"No, I'm fine now. That's all I needed." You set your glass down and get prepared for what you want to say next.
"Well, if you need more, just have a drink of mine." You are thrilled, though you don't show it, that he offered his to you. He's always so sweet and kind. It breaks your heart that you have hurt someone so generous and loving. It's time you make that right.
"Thanks," you respond and continue. "Then the wedding came, and my secret was out, and you didn't want to see me anymore. I was so angry with myself for letting them prey on my deepest insecurities. I was so mad that I went against every instinct I had to tell you the truth right from the beginning. But at that point, it was too late. I thought I lost you forever." Your voice cracks slightly at those last words. "It was the hardest, loneliest, most agonizing time of my entire life. And that's when it came to me."
Sonny lifted his shoulders and his eyebrows. "What came to you?"
"That what I missed most during our break-up was not your apartment - it was you. All this time I was so focused on belonging somewhere, when what I really needed to focus on was letting myself belong to someone. I don't mean 'belong' like a possession; I mean 'belong' as in trust completely, love unconditionally, and finally release any fear of being abandoned. I was looking so hard to find a place I could call home that I missed the realization that I had found a person I could call home."
Sonny leans in towards you, for the first time since his arrival he moves to put less distance between the two of you...not more. Feeling confident that this is headed in a positive direction, you boldly lay out a hand on the table, willing him to stretch his out to meet yours. After a few seconds, you are about to pull it back when he gently grabs your hand and starts stroking your palm with his thumb. It's a moment of tremendous relief, and you are afraid you might lose the slight hold you have on your emotions right now.
"Sonny, when we were apart, I missed YOU, not your PLACE. I missed your eyes and voice and body everyday, I didn't miss the coffee or Common Grounds. Well, actually I did miss your coffee. The stuff I try to make is horrible." You let a grin spread across your face and see that Sonny is doing the same, finally letting down his guard. "But the point is Sonny, that YOU are my home now. And wherever you are, that's where I want to be. Whether it's in your apartment, the coffee shop, my dorm room or Victor's mansion, I am home when I am with you."
You let a tear escape the corner of your eye and you reach to brush it away before Sonny sees you. He's too fast, though, and his fingers get to your cheek before your own, wiping it dry with the utmost gentleness.
"That's amazing Will, I am blown away. You are my home, too, and I wasn't trying to just get you to move in with me so sex would be more convenient. I wanted us to make a commitment to be together...for a long time. I thought that moving in together was an obvious place for us to start."
"Me too, at first. It's what I always thought I wanted. Until I realized that I, uh, I want more." This is the heavy stuff you need to say but that scares you shitless. Your insides are in knots and you think you could pass out at any moment.
"More?" he whispers the simple question.
"Yes, Sonny. More. I don't want us to just live together. I don't want it to be that easy for one of us to move out if things get tough again. I don't want to do that until we establish something first."
"Are you asking for some sort of contract? Because I can add you to the lease..."
"No, Sonny," and you can't help but chuckle and look down at your hand still in his. "What we - I - need to establish first is this: I love you more than anything, and I want to live my life with you forever." You bite your cheek out of habit and let it go, moving on before you chicken out. "I don't want to just share an apartment with you, Sonny, I want to share a life with you. I want to marry you."
Silence overtakes your table once again and you keep your eyes focused downward, scared to death of meeting Sonny's eyes. Never, ever have you put yourself out there like this, and you are terrified at the depth of your own vulnerability. After what feels like minutes but probably is only seconds, you feel a soft touch under your chin, pulling your gaze slowly up from the table. Your blue eyes meet his brown ones, and you bravely wait for his reaction. It's not until you see the dampness on his cheeks that you realize he is crying. "Sonny," you ask tentatively, summoning the little amount of courage you have left, "will you marry me?"
He closes his eyes and lets the tears fall freely now. Nodding his head, he breathes out, "Yes, Will. I want nothing more in this world than to marry you." At those most amazing words, you can no longer keep control of your raw emotions and you choke out a sob, reaching to envelope him in your arms. You hold on so tightly as you saturate the collar of his shirt.
Finally letting go to look at each other once again, he kisses you tenderly and frames your face with his hands. "What happened Will? Not too long ago you were telling me that you wanted the right to marry but didn't ever intend on exercising it. You said your family was a mess of failed relationships, and you refused to make the same mistakes. You told me that your Mom had been married more times than Liz Taylor and that you'd never follow in her footsteps. You wanted to keep things simple, easy. Marriage is neither of those, Will. Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Without a doubt, Sonny, I want to be married to you. And I don't plan on following in my mom's footsteps; you are the only one for me and I intend to be with you until we're ornery old men. Got that? So, I have changed my mind...can't a guy do that?" You are beaming now, unable to contain the excitement and love you feel for this man. Standing up from your chair, you keep a hold of Sonny's hand and clear your throat to get the attention of the other customers. "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I am so happy I just have to share this with you all." You grin widely at the shocked look on Sonny's face. "This man is Sonny, he is the love of my life and he has just agreed to marry me!" With applause and cheers of congratulation filling the room, you pull him up boldly to share a one-of-a-kind, soon-to-be-husbands kiss.
"So, do any of those fantasies of yours happen to include a marriage proposal? And maybe how to appopriately celebrate a recent engagement?" You wiggle your eyebrows at him, and you know that you want nothing more right now than to be alone with this man, your fiancee.
All he does is nod his head, and you see his mind working. His brown eyes darken and he licks his bottom lip as his gaze holds yours with the most incredible intensity. Reading each other perfectly, the two of you leave the pub, hand and hand, off to celebrate your engagement in your own speical way...fantasies included.