A/N
So maybe this clears some things about the ending of last chapter...
10th chapter: The things that matter
Now those damn memories keep coming!
Why the hell was Arizona so interested in my musical education?!
But I am not sure whether I am ready to share this story and why this holds so much pain and embarrassment...
Although I know that Arizona shared almost her whole story of life with me I can't start talking about it... It just feels wrong!
I get those dark feelings again. Those I had during my darkest times of my depression.
Where I felt too weak to even visit school...
this feeling when everything starts so crumble and with every passing day you become a bit less of yourself.
You lose more and more pieces until at one point you forget you ever owned them.
"Hey, was it that hard?", I hear Arizona asking, not experiencing the slightest how hard playing – even sitting in front of a – piano has become.
"Yes", I admit, "Yes it was this hard!"
I examine her confused expression. She has no idea at all...
She can't understand why one would be lying about something simple as a musical skill. Just as I cannot understand how one could be lying about ones birthday!
Sometimes we can only understand something if we have been through the same...
Arizona guides me towards the chairs.
"Now it's my turn to listen, Calliope. Tell me, why does this memory hurt so much so that you suppress it even!?"
I swallow hard. Take an even deeper breath before I start.
"I used to play with my best friend often when we were children, I mean.
We had so much fun! Sometimes we played four handed ans we loved our rehearsals together.
We usually hold them at my families house and we were really good – that are my teachers words!"
I laugh. The first time I ever laugh while telling this story.
"She often begged me even to hold another lesson at my home.
I always thought it was because she liked our house … And it was part of her motive, but …
… But I never expected what I was about to find out...
When we were 14 I asked her so often to hold a rehearsal at their house but she never agreed.
I wondered and called her strange and kept teasing her that she liked my family better than her own.
How right I was...
One day I got the news that … that she killed herself.
For me it came out of nowhere!
And so I called her grandma – I knew she was close with her – who finally told me my friend was sexually abused for years.
But she herself found it out only one month ago, but the police never found any evidences...
Until the day of her suicide... where she could no longer deny a rape kit..."
I take a look at the blond before I continue.
"My conscience killed me!
I mean we were bff since second grade and I never noticed anything.
I should have helped her!
But now it was too late for remorse.
Her suicide was the final trigger for me that made me spiraling down the abyss.
I did not leave my room anymore.
Kept my room dark.
Never ever touched this piano again, because this was the one thing where we were happy together.
And I knew I could not ever be happy while playing it alone.
Yes... Now you know why I did not want to tell you..."
Arizona says nothing, just staring at me with compassion in her eyes.
"But why did you not took up playing again in order to honor her?"
One question that hits me hard.
"Because whenever I started to press down the keys … I had her picture in my mind and it would not leave for days.
It just hurt too much to know that we will never ever play together or laugh or talk or anything just because I never asked her what was wrong when she did not want to go home."
Tears well up in my eyes at those memories...
"Callie. You can't blame yourself! It is enough that you punished yourself for something that was not your mistake!
And I mean if even her grandmother found out too late how should a young child have known about it earlier?!
You are not guilty! It was her decision to commit … suicide."
Why can't she understand that it is more than that?!
Mayka sent signs … She never wanted to leave my house.
Never invited me over …
Never wanted to be around her father...
But I simply ignored them because I had no idea that they were from any significance...
"It might have been her decision but it was mine to keep living!
Even though I did not deserve this!
I could not save her so I stopped living either and yet I could never commit suicide successfully.
I took an overdose at 15 but could not swallow enough before I was found.
What kind of a coward am I?!", I almost shout this last part, because I can't stop talking anymore...
"Calliope, it has nothing to do with being too weak and not brave enough to kill yourself.
It was just your friends soul that told you you have to keep living, for her. To honor her...
What good would it have done when no one had survived to tell her true story?
And that was why you survived .. you had a task to complete."
Yes, of course!
I hid in my room, too afraid to face reality ever again...
But I was not strong enough to tell the truth of her suicidal motives. And that is what matters!
I was not as brave as she was to survive hell, I gave up before I even entered...
And so I can't even face a photo of her or a memory without breaking down...
I can't even face a piano without going crazy...