You ever fucked up really bad? There are times where we do the most damage to those we love the most. Not intentionally, sometimes things are out of our control. And we're always reminded of our faults and imperfections in the process of self-recovery. Our guilt becomes this burden that nothing will ease the pain besides the forgiveness of the person you devastated. You become so deluded that this is the only way to achieve happiness, if you so deserve it. The bigger the sin, the more guilt you feel inside that it affects you the greatest. It consumes your thoughts, your entire existence. Nothing around you matters besides the person you want to make it right to. And you would do anything for their forgiveness. Because you were misunderstood, and nothing is scarier than being misrepresented by the one person you hold dear. This was supposed to be P10, but I wanted to share Annie's perspective at first in a mere summary, that when I went back to fix it, it basically consumed the entire chapter. I will admit that it wasn't what I was expecting nor what I had in mind originally, but I'm very glad that I did write her version first; because I was introduced to something staggering. Something fucking amazing (at least to me) the thought of Annie feeling shame in that aspect was mesmerizing to write about. I couldn't believe how I came up with that conclusion. We're now back to Mikasa's POV, and we're more or less picking off from P9. Brace yourselves. It's fun to read.
Mikasa frankly had enough of passing her thoughts back and forth, creating conflict among themselves. Toppling over one another. Her heart and mind were doing a dance, she knows that if she'd only permit it any longer; she'd be forever bed ridden. Her remorse proves to be impossible to lift until a staggering 10 minutes pass by. Most of her free will was used to get ready. Didn't want to. Needed to. She makes the common procedure of getting ready, and quickly stops as she realizes the lack of a fabric around her neck. She touched her skin softly and felt the warmth of it—being reminded that she also has a neck—reminding herself that she was still alive and breathing. She minimizes the horrific flashback she experienced yesterday that has rendered it to a pathetic state of shreds on her night stand. Only thinking about it will make her falter. Her eyes glanced at it once more, her neck felt nude for the masses to see.
Being this exposed won't be easy. She knows it's been a while without it. Everything was slowly becoming familiar once more. A slight breeze made its way inside sending chills down her back. She welcomes it. It was a nice reminder that she's still alive. She picks up the pace, knowing that she didn't wish to make any petty excuses for her lack of behavior to her peers by taking up much longer. Something catches her eyes, a mirror. She delivers a small glare. The endeavors of one's own private hell ride of self-worth was enough to make Mikasa go insane so early in the morning that she makes it her top priority to dash quickly by it. For stopping is a sin of momentous proportions. She tells herself. Her inner thought said nothing. She supposed that was a sign of progress. She didn't like who she had become. And she didn't need a mirror to judge her base on it either. She saved herself that hell ride for now. For now. And on cue her thinking process becomes dissolved as she hears it answer back.
It wasn't helping her condition, she was feeling nervous, more edgy than usual—you have no one else to blame but yourself—she must put up a strong front in efforts of not collapsing on her own remorse, but it all came crashing down in vain the moment she saw herself across another mirror.
Silence.
Break it. Rise to the challenge. Her inner thoughts whispered softly, taunting her in every way possible. She quickly shakes her head as her heart races rapidly inside her. These are the trials and tribulation that you must endure for what you have done.Mikasa swallows hard, balling her fist, knowing what will await if she sees herself in that mirror. Her legs fidgeted and she's moments away from actually screaming. Get it together Ackerman. You can't be defeated by a mirror, that's laughable. You're one of the best trainees here, right? She honestly wasn't sure how to answer that, for right now she wasn't having the most confidence about anything. JUST GO—her mind screamed at her that resulted in bolting out of there quickly. Mikasa was proud of herself for a moment that it took an immense amount of energy to prevent herself from actually punching the glass before her. She wasn't sure if anyone knew anything about the prior events; she isn't the type to announce her business out in the open. If there is anything she knew about Annie, it was that she isn't one to gossip about anything either, let alone speak about it.
Mikasa stops firmly before opening the mess hall doors, inhaling deeply, waiting for what may come behind them—just go in—she hesitated. Fear? That one seemed appropriate. It wasn't a lie. Mikasa was feeling fear tickling in her gut, creating tight knots. Fear that she may be inside? Isn't that what you want you stupid g—Mikasa quickly stops the thought from finishing and swings the doors open allowing herself in. It was everything she expected it to be. Normal.
But that really determines on what 'normal' is now does it?
She exhaled as she walked in. Everything was normal. Everyone was enjoying their time with their friends, Connie was busy laughing with Sasha, Reiner and Bert—her attention trailed off as she noticed that something was amiss. Everything around her began to feel colder, quieter as she drowns the world out in disbelief that Annie isn't present in her usual spot.
She's barely aware of her legs moving based on the scenery changing, too numbed up to notice walking like a robot towards Eren and Armin, my usual spot; and sitting down next to them. Everything around her was appearing to be in slow motion. As if space around her was giving her time to gather her thoughts long enough to make sense of this. How kind. She glanced once more at Annie's spot—empty spot—trying to make sense of this. Her heart started aching, her throat started closing. She was honesty hurt by her absence. Hurt by—
"Mikasa! You didn't grab a plate." Eren's word snap her back into reality causing her to face him, a bit startle. She parted her lips—you mustn't speak— but nothing came out as she quickly closed her mouth. Eren took another spoonful and spoke again, "Aren't you hungry?" He asked with his mouth full.
Oh, Eren. Even now, you have such horrible manners at the table. Even now after everything that has happened.
She shook her head softly showing no interest in continuing this conversation, if you can even call it that, and clasped her hands together under the table. She wasn't lying. She was feeling her stomach tying itself in knots and she was on edge. Coming out this far, and not seeing Annie was a horrible blow to her. She really wanted to see her and apologize. If she lets me. Please let me. She thought softly being hopeful about future events.
—if you let me speak. Please let me.
That's the real trick here isn't? Her inner voice was mocking her. She couldn't deny that fact. Eren and Armin both acknowledge that something was off about her. They even noticed her scarf was amiss and said nothing at all. No one seemed to bothered with that, like it wasn't really out of character.
None questioned the reasons behind it, and base on Mikasa's solemn expression neither was daring to ask her. They both shrugged it off as if it was the occasional girl fashion sense that is forever changing that never requires any explanation. She DID cut her hair after all and paid it no heed, seeing her change her fashion wasn't something to query about. This however starts to set her back. Out of all the people, she'd been expecting Eren to at least say something about it. Yet, she was grateful he didn't. She wouldn't be able to answer any of it. She was feeling conflicted about the whole ordeal, and she can't pin point if it's the lack of Annie's presence, or the lack of Eren's concern and of not voicing his reaction upon it. I mean it is your scarf. The one article that I held around my neck for God knows how long, and you won't even question its whereabouts now?
She tilted her head to the side and finally propped her elbows on the table—bad manners be damned—Mikasa was pissed for a different reason as she let her head rest on one of her hands, staring around at her surroundings. Feeling genuinely upset about the whole thing that she, alone, had put herself in. "Mikasa, are you alright?" Armin asked looking directly at her, causing her glance up at him. She wasn't paying attention to anything important. The only thing that is, isn't present. But no Armin. I'm not alright. Nothing about this is okay. I am not okay. Mikasa quickly dismissed her thoughts, for she is not one to lie to Armin, she never had a reason to—this was a good reason—and sees that being around her talkative friends is only going to be trouble. Only one thing to do… She quickly forced a smile and nodded at him, abolishing any further questions, and stands up from the table, which alerted them of her leave. She snatched Eren's loaf of bread quickly from his plate—much to his displeasure—and made her way outside, away from everyone.
Mikasa was grateful for having a free day from training. But a part of her hoped that she was training to keep her mind occupied. A part of her was grateful for that, because without a doubt she would have had to face her, and as much as she wanted to see her, she also didn't. There was some truth in Annie's words, and it was only bothering her so deeply inside because of that.
'Coward" she said. She could only make a face to that as she finished the bread, walking the streets in silence, having the sun shine all around her. She saw some of her peers nearby and can barely address those close to her. She wasn't going to make friends with others that barely know her. A trainee purposely avoided her as she came walking down the steps. Wha—? She looked behind her and saw that it was someone she had sparred with, and remembers that it was a fast spar that resulted in calling in a medic. Mikasa had been harsh that day, and she couldn't remember the reason behind it. She only remembered apologizing and the effects it created afterwards among her peers. She became an ill favored cadet to spar with.
That soon spread out and Mikasa was seeing first-hand how everyone was reacting to her appearance. She was being avoided.
Could—Mikasa began as she adjusted her eyesight giving her surroundings one more final glance to confirm her predicament. Could she be avoiding me? Her mind was entering a dark place, and she did not like where it was going. Those words were slowly sinking under her skin and the possibility of being right made her heart ache. She swallows the hard lump forming in her throat, feeling a cold sweat consume her. It's a possibility.
NO. Mikasa's speed picks up as she walked further down the stairs, convincing herself that she did a poor job at judging the place around her. She was not ready to fail. Not today. Not again. For today will not be repeated as if it were yesterday. Once is enough. She contemplated to herself feeling winded, Annie isn't avoiding me, she is just busy, away, taking care of other things. Yes, other important things. Mikasa's heart and mind continued, in complete and utter denial, as she was growing increasingly alarmed by the minute; she wasn't seeing the one person that she wanted. That she needed.
That small thing inside of her that always pushed her—determination—refused to let her rest, even for a moment—failing to find her is forbidden—her voice scolding her at the core. She walked further down the street, turned around, gave up. She made it pass another corner, made it halfway, found herself at a dead end. Gave up. She made it pass an empty corridor moved a couple of inches to the left. Gave up. She dodge swiftly between a crowd, made it halfway, found herself on her face. Gave up. She surrender herself to the will of the floor to sweep under her feet. It mocked her, unmoving. Gave up.
Mikasa was at a loss as each passing minute was making her condition worst, and the last thing she needed right now was another panic attack as her body reminded her of what's to come if this kept up. She knows that she must be calm and collective and try her best to think of all the locations Annie could be. It quickly dawns on her on how little she knows about the blonde. Nothing at all. If I had known, I could see her. She started to feel her throat aching again, feeling like a dispirited child in the center of everything, looking for their lost puppy. Mikasa wanted to cry. If I had—she glanced around and saw that she was starting to bring attention to herself.
—if I had only known, this wouldn't hurt as much.
Mikasa couldn't even ask for help. To ask for any directions, create any leads. She had to be patient and wait for Annie to come to her. To seek her out in her own terms.
Then something went off in her head, something brilliant, something magical, something she wasn't expecting at all. To be right.
Annie was purposefully avoiding Mikasa. And the faster Mikasa realized it, the more she wanted to cry about it. She really couldn't comprehend the gravity of how right her instinct was nor the effects it was having on her body. Mikasa's insides were filling up with this immense void that she desperately wanted to see filled, before her fears that it made it consumed her from inside. Condemning her to a despair she could not yet imagine. She had to—No, needed to apologize. With what voice? And say what? Stupid girl—NO. Mikasa had no time for that voice. Not right now. She knew that if she let it start, she'd falter. She'd surrender and would cease to be driven with the purpose that was now guiding her. She could simply not afford that judgmental voice of reason. She couldn't face her many faults and imperfections, and above all, her failures. Every one of them. Mikasa was sorry, and she wanted Annie to know about it. To know of her intentions, her feelings and struggles. And the height of irony of it all was that Mikasa couldn't.
Now you wish to speak. Now you wish to say things out in the open. Now. Now. Now. After all that is done. Why now? Why did it take you this long? But most of all, what makes you think she cares?
Mikasa came to a full stop. Her eyes widened. There it was. Her heartache; she rapidly felt herself immersed into this great depression roiling up inside like great black waves, allowing it to consume herself fully. The void had finally grown complete inside her. Mikasa felt shattered. Loneliness. The sensation became overwhelming, so quickly that it takes her completely off guard. She started breathing out of her nose quickly, familiarizing herself with the urgency to cry. The need to.
Don't. Hold it in. It'll be okay. Mikasa sadly consolidated herself. It'll be okay.
And just as quickly as her mind turned for the worst, she noticed her off in the distance. A blonde blotch. It was now becoming a blur, and Mikasa couldn't, for the life of her, focus on it. She couldn't blink, in dire fear of losing that blotch. She very much wanted to keep staring. Annie. Her pace quickened, her eyes bolted onto her target. She took a quick step forward and paused something was holding her back. Little by little Annie was walking further away. Away from her. The blotch was getting smaller. Mikasa's heart was aching with each passing second.
Please.
Every muscle in Mikasa's body began to tug at her, to force her to move, to scream, go, go, run, run, RUN TO HER. RUN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAMN YOU. Every muscle, every fiber of her being. Heart, mind, body, and soul connected as one. Every cell in her being ignited by the impending loss of her from sight, all screaming the same thing, except one.
That one little voice.
You have no right.
Mikasa dropped her gaze, biting her lower lip hard as tears fell in silence down her face. Please. Mikasa was still begging her will inside. She was in agony. She quickly looked up only to confirm what she already knows. It was a painful reminder. Annie was gone.
PLEASE.
Her throat was aching, her fists were clenched, and her legs were beginning to wobble. Dumbfounded by everything that had transpired inside her and her lack of movement. An area where she excels at any other time and needed to now the most. It was beyond devastating to have her body fail her like that. Another failure. Just as quickly as that thought ripped through her mind, her right leg gave out, forcing her knee to hit the ground hard breaking her fall. Mikasa paid it no heed. For her current pain was beyond anything she had physically felt before. This was nothing.
Annie. Annie. Mikasa felt like she was losing her mind. Any minute now. For everyone to see. She had stopped caring what anyone thought of her. Damn my reputation. She'd never cared for it. She'd only cared about what Annie thought of her. Her tears were overflowing, cascading down her cheeks but she dares not to blink. Not to speak. Not to scream how much this all means to me. Annie—
—Will I ever know—her bittersweet thought began as her body started to shake violently from the inside—how it feels to hold you close?
It was such a depressing thought because of all the hope she had put behind it. How much she had desperately needed it.
—will I? She had no acceptable answer for such a fairy tale question.
PLEASE NOTICE ME. She screamed inside. Her heart beat furiously trying it's best to reach her, holding on to any hope that sprang forth. Wishing like an old man asking for a brand new start at life on his death bed. Another chance. Just hoping for something that wasn't going to happen.
Defeated, at a total loss—willing and ready to give up—her mind quickly screamed at her once more. RUN TO HER DAMN YOU. RUN.
Mikasa's head jerked up quickly with widening eyes at that internal scream that was igniting her entire existence. With sudden and jerking movements, she bolted out of arms way running with such fire.
RUN TO HER.
It echoed in her ears, obeying her wishes. Finally. Her voice of reason.
Final Note: Was I the only one screaming for Mikasa to run? I hope not. This has got to be the most painful chapter I've ever written so far. Normally P5 and P6 were the ones that held a place in my heart, but the amount of times I burst out crying in this chapter is ridiculous. I was drying towards the end, and I had written a decent amount before I called it quits. Came back later and somehow it got 30x more depressing, and devastating and just fucking sad overall that naturally I repeated that insane process. I'm more or less Mikasa's voice of reason, because I do want to see her happy and find some resolution. I do want her to say all of these things to her, I do want her to find her, to run to her, to-to-to— stuff. However just because you're willing to do the right thing doesn't merit a clean conversation. When was the last time you apologized to an ex only to have them verbally bitch slap you? Exactly, not always easy. I can't speak for P12, because I haven't written it yet nor do I know how things will happen, (seriously, I'm baffle!) if anything I just made it that more complicated to write about because now I'm running with all of these emotions that Mikasa now has. I don't know how Mikasa will be able to say anything without having permission, there is just an insane amount of unknowns to really go on here that I can't say much about it besides 'see you in the next chapter!'