Good morning, Hinamizawa.
A/N: Sorry for the hiatus, guys. I've been busy with other projects as of late. Especially with my Azumanga Daioh fics, among them a crossover with a zombie-themed anime, Highschool of the Dead. It(HOTD) had everything you can expect from a zombie movie and anime, including zombies and hot girls: hot girls that are in true Japanese anime style and not in blatant American style with cleavage and dumb girls, although that belongs to the cheap slasher movies and not zombie movies. Anyway, here's more of the crazy antics of the SOS Brigade in Hinamizawa, with the cast of South Park and Hellraiser(which the latter is basically made up of Frank and Julia, and the Cenobites too). Ever wondered where the mysterious panda in the Deep In The Night chapter came from? Please note that some of my jokes will be politically incorrect so please read with an open mind and a still stomach.
Bodily transformation...
Julia dragged Norman Bates' barely-struggling body through the door of the Saiguden. She opened it and the sack he's in suddenly wriggled vigorously. She just simply knocked him a few times with a frying pan. He calmed and let out a low moan. Satisfied, the MILF bitch dragged her in and closed the door. She then dropped a grunting Norman out of the sack to the floor and called out, "Oh Franky~! I'm home~!"
Her words made Frank shudder.
"I don't think I want to come out," said a whiny voice.
"What?" Julia was surprised. "What do you mean? I just brought you breakfast."
"Breakfast?" Bates gulped uneasily.
"Just shut up, Bates," She snapped at and turned back to the voice, "Frank, just come out."
"I won't!" Frank replied loudly, "Not like this!"
"Come on, Frank, it's not like anyone wouldn't be terrified of your looks," Julia pouted, her arms crossed.
"Well... it's a bit complicated." From the shadows stepped out a skeleton, who look like he was just masticated.
"Jesus Christ, Frank!" The MILF exclaimed, "What the hell happened to you?"
"You see, I just got raped by a bunch of crows," Frank sulked in embarrassment.
"You went outside? You should have been more careful," she snapped.
"I know but some book bit my hand!" Frank defended himself, "And I rushed out!"
"Okay, fine, we've got enough trouble for one day," Julia sighed. They paused for a few seconds before they turned to a squirming Norman and smiled menacing grins. "Don't worry, Norman," she reassured him. "It won't take long."
"That's right, Norman," Frank added. "You're gonna have the best day of your entire life."
"No! I'm getting out of here-!" Bates tried to wriggled out of the way but Frank crashed his foot into his groin, causing the 'psycho' to curl up in pain and moan.
"Would you do the honors, dear Julia?" Frank asked.
"Certainly." She smiled viciously and raised the hammer to beat Norman half to death.
Norman's last words, "Go to the porn shop, MILF bitch."
"'MILF bitch'?" Julia asked angrily, her eyes glaring at Frank with the intensity of a crematorium.
Frank's second set of last words, spoken nervously, "Wait? Did I say 'MILF bitch'? Uh, I mean, cougar- Wait, that's not right! I was going to say-"
Not wanting to hear anymore of Norman's bullshit, Julia brought the hammer down hard again, this time he died screaming. Frank knelt down and put his hands on the late Norman Bate's body. Bate's body suddenly dried itself up like the lovechild of a dried squid and sun-dried tomatoes while Frank's body from his current skeletal form into a more fruity tomato texture.
"Do I disgust you?" Frank asked her about his new form.
"No," Julia said smiling, "not at all."
Happy, he patted her shoulder. "See? It's making me whole again. Every drop of blood you spill puts more flesh on my bones. And we both want that don't we?"
"Frank, you're soiling my designer blouse with your blood and gore," Julia reminded Frank.
"Oh sorry." Frank pulled away his arm from the blouse. He then said, " I'm hurting."
"Oh, I'm sorry, my Frank. Did my what I said hurt you?" She cooed him.
"No, that's not it," he replied. "My nerves ... are beginning to work again."
"Good." Julia smiled.
"One more. Maybe two to heal me completely. Then we can be away from here, before they come looking."
"Who?" Julia asked but before she got an answer, there were some sounds outside.
"Quickly!" Frank scurried under some junk. "Get away from here and get me more bodies."
"Anything for you, love." She beamed. "Then we can be together, the way we were before. We belong to each other now, for better or worse ... like love. Only real."
"One more thing, Julia," Frank asked, "Are you really a MILF?"
"No, I don't have kids," she answered plainly.
Julia scurried out the back of the Saiguden while Frank dove back under the junk. Outside in the receding predawn darkness, some thugs in ugly gray jumpsuits ding in the bushes noted some strange activity around the Saiguden, among of which s forty-something woman coming out the back. They request permission to follow her but that was denied and they were ordered to surveillance on the Furude house.
Fish head surprise...
Tired from rebuilding his vault and drowsy due to his miraculous stroke medication, Old Man Kimiyoshi retired to bed where he can at least have some good sleep before morning. Then he dreamed his fantasy dream. There, he fished from Onigafuchi Swamp for gayfish, but there is one gayfish that is special to him. His name is Lance Bass. He is the biggest of the gayfish in the lake and very close to his heart. Sometimes in midnight when the whole village is asleep, he would slip to the lake to meet the truck-sized gayfish, swimming with him while playing Kanye West's hit single, Gay Fish in a radio.
-Gay Fish plays-
Yo, uh, uh c'mon
He would swim together with him for hours before sunrise. Flitting through the dark water like a squid, flirting with the one fish he grew to love.
I've been so lonely girl, I've been so sad and down
Couldn't understand why haters joked around
I wanted to be free with other creatures like me
And now I got my wish, cause i know that I'm a gay fish (gay fish)...
He would sometimes swim with him at the bottom of the lake where Norman Bates dumped the cars of his victims. Clearly, the people of the village don't seem to care about their odd foreign neighbor's activities or why his guests disappear from his 'inn'. It was the most beautiful moment of his life. And that they would always be together, for all eternity, against a cold cruel world which knew nothing of such love.
(Gay fish Yo) mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish yo) goin' on a gay fish
(It's alright girl) makin' love to other gay fish
He hugged Lance tightly, wanting the feeling of love he felt when they felt when they first met.
-Gay Fish fades and Godfather Horse Head Theme plays-
It was four in the morning when he woke up. It would be another morning for him. While he mused about what he should have for breakfast he noticed a slight sticky wetness on his legs. Then he looked over his shoulder to see some large red spots on his blanket. A foul smell assailed his nostrils and he was instantly worried it might be his blood. He frantically parted the sheets to see several large fish steaks stacked neatly on top on each other. Both curious and apprehensive, he flipped the blanket to see something so shocking in his life!
Beside his feet laid the head of Lance Bass, severed brutally with a knife. On it he could see the fish's expression of fear and pain, which remained imprinted on its horridly lifeless face.
-Godfather Horse Head theme ends-
"AAAARRRGGGH! AAAAARRRGGGH! AAAAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he backed away from the fish head. The scream echoed throughout his house, throughout the village and finally throughout the world. On the wall was a sign written in fish blood: AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS, NYORO? CHIBIS CAN EAT SMOKED CHEESE TOO, signed with Churuya's signature. Below it was another bloody graffiti that read, FUCK US AGAIN AND YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES, signed by Achakura.
Early morning routine...
The sun rose high up in Hinamizawa as Rika woke up with a lazy yawn. She looked at her window and said. "What another wonderful day in Hinamizawa. Most of all, NO SCHOOL TODAY!" She was happy to know that spontaneous explosion damaged the school so they wouldn't be going there for a few days. That means more time for fun!
Just as she said that she heard her teacher, Chei Rumiko, was announcing through the megaphone, "Okay, kids. The school's all fixed up so we can go back to pushing pencils today."
"Oh crap!" Rika snapped, "this is just my luck!"
She added for Rika's benefit, "If you don't want to go, Rika! You can let me in so I can strip you, coat with your body with curry paste, and and lick it off slowly!" She then skipped away to the next house to convey the news.
"Alright, I'll freakin' go," the bluenette miku grumbled and leaned to Satoko. She shook her. "Alright, Satoko. Time to wake up."
After some nudging Satoko got up, yawned loudly and cutely. She said absentmindedly, "Butters... Is that you...?"
"Butters?" Rika asked. "If your looking for butter, it's in the kitchen. Come up and let's get breakfast ready." The bluenette grumbled about as she got off the bed, pissed that her day-off was ruined by the school being fixed.
Meanwhile, at the camp, Taniguchi woke after his uneasy sleep. It wasn't easy to dream oa Po, the Kung-fu Panda, sleeping next to him. As he woke up his ears were greeted with some weird-sounding '60s music and smell of food. He got up and emerged from the bunker to see Kyon making breakfast on a fire. Curious, he got up and approached Kyon.
"'Morning, Kyon," Taniguchi yawned, rubbing his eyes. He realized that he was listening to Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit. Kyon seemed to have weird taste in music lately.
"Top of the morning, Taniguchi," Kyon greeted, while he poked embers and turned the roasted meat.
"Hey, Kyon what'cha cooking-" he stopped short and his eyes popped open when he saw what was roasting on the fire: a fat snake! "Kyon? What are you cooking?" he asked nervously.
Kyon turned his head and smiled. "Why, snakes, Tani. Better to have fresh food for breakfast than canned rations, especially that Ham and Lima bean shit they ate back in 'Nam."
"But isn't it unsafe to eat that stuff?" Taniguchi blurted worriedly.
"That crap?" Kyon ranted. "Oh please. Only pussies say that 'unsafe' crap. Why don't you take a bite of this like a real man!" He sliced of a piece of the snake and offered it to the playboy. Nervous at first, Taniguchi shook his head in refusal.
"You lame or something, Taniguchi?" Kyon asked, a little annoyed.
He slowly extended a shaky arm and lightly touched the snake meat. Kyon looked angry. Fearful of pissing of Kyon, Taniguchi snatched it and ate it... chewing it slowly and nervously. His eyes let loose a few tears as he ate the meat. Kyon watched impassively as he ate it. Then the playboy gulped and swallowed it.
"First time?" Kyon asked with a low smile.
"Yeah," Taniguchi managed to answer.
"Then the worm has definitely turned for you, man. Taste good?"
"Yeah, it feels good. It tastes better than pork cutlet now," Taniguchi said approvingly, clearly liking the taste.
Satisfied with his show of 'manhood', Kyon thrust a canteen in front of his face. "Put your mouth on this."
Hesitant, Taniguchi slowly took the metal bottle, opened and took a big swig. It tasted... good. It tasted MANLY. "Hey, Kyon!" He asked excitedly, "What is this stuff?"
"That, buddy, is Kentucky Vintage. That stuff is what you need when you're out in the bush hunting Charlie."
"Great, Kyon, but would mind changing the music? It sounds a little druggie."
Kyon mused for a while before he came up an idea. "I just got the the thing!" he announced. He raided his stack of tapes and pulled out one and replaced the one in the radio with it. "Listen to this, man!" He pressed play and it played What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.
It played, "I see trees of green... red roses too/I see them bloom... for me and you/And I think to myself/What a wonderful world-" Kyon cut it off midway and ejected it. Examining for a while, he threw it away with annoyance, hitting a cat, and selected another one, Baby Please Don't Go. He played it and they start dancing to its tune.
"Good Morning, Hinamizawa!" Kyon announced and made an impromptu radio broadcast in a rapid voice, "Our time is nineteen minutes, nineteen minutes from six o'clock in the morning. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
"Just now, the Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going"- he said in butch voice-"'Don't go near there!'"- he then said in a girly voice- "'But Betty-'"- Kyon went back to the butch voice- "'Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there!' I know, we can't use the word 'dyke'. You can't even say 'lesbian', it's 'women in comfortable shoes'. Thank you very much." He made slight bow.
"Wow, Kyon, that's amazing!" Taniguchi clapped his hands like a fanboy.
"You think so?" Kyon asked.
"Yeah, the dyke part reminded me of Haruhi and Mikuru."
"Great idea!" Kyon jumped up. He then made another broadcast, "What's Hinamizawa? It sounds like something out of some anime I couldn't mention." He then made a tinny voice like Mikuru, "'Oh no don't go in there!'"- he said in the voice of Ichigo Kurasaki- "'Ohhh wee ohh. Shion Sonozaki.'" -in Mikuru's voice again- "'Oh look you've landed in Hinamizawa. You're among the dumb country people now.'" -then in Itsuki's voice- "'We represent the SOS Brigade, the SOS Brigade. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!'" -then a witch's voice- "'Oh! I'll get you my pretty!'" Kyon scatted in mock alarm, "Oh my God! It's the wicked Bitch of North High! It's Haruhi Suzumiya!"- and concluded in with Haruhi's witch voice- "'Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too! Ah-hahahahaha!'"
When that was done, the boys laughed loudly and rolling on the ground. Kyon's rants were just unbelievable. "Which reminds me," Kyon said, fishing out another tape, Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones.
They danced to the beat of the Rolling Stones song. To anyone passing by, they're dancing like a bunch of lunatics. Or so to a Vietnamese family visiting Hinamizawa, who just watched there in surprise with their mouths open.
Meanwhile, at the Ryuugu residence, Arakawa woke up from his sleep in a spare bedroom Rena made for him. He grunted loudly and fell off the bed. He rose shakily to his feet and muttered aloud, "This is even worse than the hangover I got from the Agency's Christmas party. Ohhhh..." He then realized something, "Oh no... I've got to get out of here... That redheaded nut's gonna make turned my brains upside-down if I don't get out... Her horrid happy syrup!" He ambled his way out of the room and towards the stairs. He lost his footing and rolled down the steps with a loud thud. That thud woke up Rena and Mikuru.
"What's that?" Mikuru yawned as she rolled over the covers of the bed.
"Who knows..." Rena got up. Both girls are naked except for the blanket covering their bodies. Sorry, boys. Go find something else to watch. "Maybe we should check it out."
Back downstairs, Arakawa was trying to get up, tripping over a chair along the way. It seemed his mind and body have flushed from his forced trip-out. While he struggled to get his limbs moving, the result of the hangover from the happy syrup. As he stumbled and turned around, the girls came along, dressed in bathrobes.
"Hey, Mikuru," Rena chimed happily. "Kenta-kun's awake." Those words and her voice froze Arakawa to the bone. The redheaded lunatic is awake. He slowly turned his head to see them on the stairs. She could see Rena smile brightly- a smile that was a horrid grin to him!
"I think he's looking for breakfast," Mikuru observed.
"Oh! You're right. Kenta-kun's hungry!" Rena became instantly concerned. She rushed to him and picked him up, putting him on a chair. "Don't worry, Kenta-kun, we'll make you a good breakfast."
"Why... Thank you- Miss Rena," Arakawa replied haltingly, trying to be polite and normal as his sanity would allow. He is in such a fucked-up situation, so fucked-up that he can't hold back his desperation any longer. His hands and limbs are shaking a bit. "I... really... appreciate it."
"That's nothing, Kenta-kun. I'm so glad that you entered my life." Rena gave a wink as she made preparations for breakfast.
Her wink did it.
"AAARRGGH! I've got to get out of here!" Arakawa bolted out from his chair but slipped on a rug.
"Oh my, Kenta-kun!" Rena said worriedly. "Mikuru, get him his happy medicine!"
Happy medicine! The butler-agent's mind screamed when he heard that. He turned to Mikuru and warned her, "Please, no! Mikuru, don't do it! Please She's insane! This whole town's insane! We gotta get out of here!"
"'We'..." Mikuru looked angry. "What do you mean 'we'? Ever since I was sent to the SOS Brigade, my life took a downward spiral! I've been molested, dressed up, and humiliated by the bitch you called god! Barely anyone except Kyon treats me with respect. Here with Rena, she loves my for who I am so if you want to be rescued, why don't you put a sock up your ass." Mikuru humphed in rage as she got the happy syrup. At least here, Rena doesn't treat her like a toy the way Haruhi does. But she liked the way she made Arakawa her bitch.
As for Arakawa, he could not believe what he just heard. Mikuru's now with Rena and that didn't mean good to him. As he tried to get to his feet, both Rena and Mikuru pulled him back to the chair. Rena spooned some of her 'happy syrup' and tried to feed it to him.
"Say 'A'," she said to him. Arakawa kept his mouth tight and turned away from the spoon.
"Oh look, a spider!" Mikuru squealed and spanked Arakawa's crotch with a pan.
Arakawa whelped and Rena immediately shoved the spoon down his throat and pulled it out. Then Arakawa;s face turn sour from sipping the hallucinogenic syrup. Then his face turned happy with big eyes. He said like a gay, "Good morning to you, Miss Rena. Good morning to you Miss Mikuru. We're gonna have some fun today!"
"Yay!" Rena cheered. "I'm gonna make breakfast just for us today." Arakawa jumped like a dandy and sat down. As she proceeded to make food, Rena asked Mikuru, "Is there really a spider on his crotch?"
"Oops," Mikuru giggled, "I don't think so. My mistake."
"That's okay. Let's make breakfast today." So the two girls made breakfast while Arakawa is acting like a gay.
Several floors below the broken window lay a moaning, boxer-clad Itsuki, spreadeagled on the ground with his face on the dirt. The birds were chirping sweetly and the bees are going from flower to flower but things are not looking good for the esper, who was covered in glass fragments on his legs, back and ass. Kunikida appeared and said to Itsuki, "Hey, Koizumi. Look's like you woke on the wrong side of the bed."
Itsuki craned his head out of the dirt and croaked, "Help... me..."
"No problem, Itsuki," Kunikida cheerily replied. He picked him up by the leg and proceeded to drag him.
"Wait! Careful! I'm covered in glass-" But he was dragged and screamed due to his front parts having glass in them too.
"Alright!" Haruhi announced. "The briefing is now in session!" Everyone has assembled on their table. There's Tsuruya, looking flushed and weary from not having eaten any smoked cheese in a while- and still traumatized by consuming Rena's stinky cheese cubes. And Yuki, her head resting on the palm of her hand looking lovelorn. She continued to think about Tsukasa ever since last night. Then there's Kunikida, having a pleasant grin. and finally Itsuki, looking constipated from the pain of falling from the window and covered in broken glass. His covered in bruises, bandages and stitches, courtesy of Kunikida's medical help.
"Alright, everyone. We're going back into the village after breakfast. First, I wanna evaluation of yesterday's patrol."
"Like it's really a patrol," Kunikida said sarcastically, obviously trying to fill up for Kyon, whose not present at the moment.
"Shut up!" she retorted, "I don't want that crap!"
"Okay, Haruhi," Kunikida replied.
"Now that everything's settled, let's get to business. First, we know that a the people here worship a homicidal deity who demands blood sacrifices, which we believe is Kira or like Kira. Second, we have an entire American town coming to that village for a goodwill tour. Third, we believe the villagers are covering up its infamous murders with the Sonozaki family as the mastermind. Fourth, there's that British tourist which Mrs. Cotton hired us to find. What's his name again...?"
"Frank Cotton?" Kunikida suggested.
"Yeah! That's right. Frank Cotton-"
"Okay, looks like you wrapped things for us," the propboy instantly interrupted. "Now let's go humping to the village-"
"Shut up! We're not finished yet," Hauhi fumed. "I want something from you about yesterday."
Kunikida gulped. The goddess is now demanding his report. He began with some hesitance, "Eh... Me, Tsuruya and Mikuru... met a man who was about to take a photo of Mikuru when you showed up and shooed us away."
"Okay, that's enough from you," Haruhi said. She turned to Tsuruya. "Tsuruya, how about you?"
"I need my fuckas smoked cheese, nyoro!" Fang-tan wailed desperately.
"Okay... How about you, Itsuki?"
Itsuki remained silent for a while. Then he said, "We'll, yesterday we encountered a Youtube-tripping bird pornographer and a French-sounding nurse with a psychotic laugh. Then we meet those kids and a man who fishes for gayfish and... AND KYON TRIED TO KILL ME AND I WAS NEARLY RAPED BY A DOCTOR!" He began to sob on the table.
Seeing, he could get nothing from him, Haruhi turned to Yuki, "Yuki?"
"I met the most beautiful girl in my life," she replied dreamily, still thinking about Tsukasa.
"Yuki," Haruhi snapped. She's not taking bullshit this time.
Okay, Miss Suzumiya." She made a brief summary of yesterday's events without even making a pause, not that anyone would actually listen to it. And then she said, "Oh. By the way, we lost Mikuru to them when we lost the water gunfight and she's now staying with them."
Haruhi raged from remembering how that ginger Rena took her little moe away. She wanted to destroy her. It's not that hard. But she's got a job at hand that needs doing. "I'm... going... to murder her..."
"Please focus, Miss Suzumiya," Yuki reminded. "What should we do?"
"Oh." Haruhi got back on track. "Okay, we're gonna visit the Anti-SOS Brigade at the Angel Mort."
That earned her odd looks from everyone else.
"What!" Tsuruya snapped. "The Anti-SOS Brigade? Those losers were helping the Games Club yesterday!"
"What? Those guys?" Kunikida retorted. "I'd trust Charlie than those guys."
"Fujiwara is a fudgepacker!" Itsuki shouted.
"Miss Suzumiya," Yuki said, "why did you include them?"
That was something Haruhi prepared for last night. "Last night, they called me and said they wanted to join in, so I obliged. They said they were sorry from yesterday afternoon. See! They admitted defeat! And now they'll be serving us, the great SOS Brigade, to complete our mission of solving those murders and finding Frank Cotton!" She flamboyantly stood up with her hand pointing upward.
"That's exactly what they want you to think, Haruhi," Kunikida warned.
"Whaddya mean?" Hrauhi was puzzled.
"You see, back in 'Nam, the VC would use shoeshine boys with boxes wired to explode. If you shine your shoe on their box, you won't find your fucking legs no more, just like in First Blood."
Haruhi was nonplussed by Kunikida. "That... was the most idiotic bullshit I ever heard from you. No wonder why the producers relegate to a background character with few lines."
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Kunikida replied.
Haruhi ignored him. "Alright, what else should we do?"
"We're kinda short of manpower," Yuki explained, "and even if we included Anti-SOS Brigade we need more than we have right now."
"Oh, you're right," Haruhi noted. "I suggest we take more people in our modest venture." She turned to see Konata and friends having breakfast at the nearby table. "Hey, you guys. I'm putting together a modest venture. Would like to join?"
"What would that?" the otaku asked.
"Solving a murder, of course." Haruhi grinned proudly.
"Isn't that dangerous?" Miyuki worried noted. "We should leave that to the police."
"Who needs the police when you have the SOS Brigade?"
"Okay, we're in," Konata answered proudly.
"Hey, wait!" Kagami blurted, "You included us? That's crazy! Going into a wild goose chase that could possibly kill us?"
"Calm down, Kagamin~, we should get off the beaten track as they say. What do you want to do during summer? We need to do something interesting and unique, you know."
"Like I'm gonna let you ruin summer by getting us in trouble with those guys," she snapped. While Konata(who's still smiling her catlike grin) and Kagami had a spirited debate over their alternative summer activities, Tsukasa looked away from them to have a look around the wide hotel dining room. It was still empty and and placed look pleasant. Then her eyes stopped to see Yuki staring back at her.
Tsukasa recoiled in fright when she saw the lavender-haired alien staring back at her with lonely eyes. But that's not all, Yuki waved her hand and winked at her. She trembled even more from Yuki's suggestive gestures. It seemed that the alien is starting to like her. She felt scared
"No, we're not going," Kagami insisted.
"Come on, Kagami, didn't you chose liberal arts with everyone else, right?" Konata pointed out.
"Shut up about!"
"You're just saying that because you hate to be lonely, don't you?" Konata went behind Kagami, embraced her and rubbed her head like a puppy. "There, there."
"Shut up already, I'm in!" Kagami finally agreed to going with the SOS Brigade.
Konata turned to Haruhi with a smile, "See that? We're in."
"That's great!" She jumped to her feet in joy.
Kagami slumped to her chair. Tsukasa, after a looking away from Yuki, saw her elder sister looking flushed and tired. She asked her, "What's wrong, big sis?"
"Konata tricked me... tricked us..." She muttered.
"What do you mean?"
"We're in a joint venture with the SOS Brigade," Kagami finally explained.
"Huh?" Apprehensive, she turned back to Yuki, whose now holding a sign that said YUKI X TSUKASA FOREVER AND EVER!
NO! The moe twin screamed mentally. Then her face turned blank as she sank into despair. Now, she's going on an adventure with a bunch of crazies that included a dyke.
"Shouldn't we go check on Kyon?" Itsuki asked.
"Oh, you're right." Haruhi was reminded of the the two boys she sent on murder watch. She picked up her cellhpone from her pocket and dialed Taniguchi's number.
Meanwhile, at the camp, Kyon and Taniguchi were dancing to the tune of Suzie Q. They moved and swayed about animatedly, waving their arms and limbs like vultures on crack and singing the lyrics, "Oh Suzie Q/Oh Suzie Q/Oh Suzie Q Baby I love you/Suzie Q/ I like the way you walk/I like the way you talk..."
"Hey, Kyon," Tanigchi suggested, "maybe we could dance this song at the clubroom with Haruhi and the other girls dressed like Playboy bunnies."
"Now that's a thought," Kyon chimed. At the bunker, Taniguchi's rang for a few minutes. Back at the hotel, Haruhi was a little annoyed.
"Come on, pick up, you moron," she muttered to herself.
Taniguchi went into the tent to see who's calling him. "Hello? I'm here, baby! I'm here!"
"It's Brigade leader Haruhi, you big dumbass!" Haruhi snapped.
"Oh, Haruhi?" He was surprised while still shaking his booty, "It's nice to hear you but to bad you're not here at our own little USO show. On the other hand we need some Playboy bunnies like you and Mikuru to heat up this shindig, Whoo, hot damn! Hey, grease my gun, baby!" He laughed loudly.
Haruhi was pissed. From the cellphone, the rest of the Brigade and Konata's gang could hear the music.
"What's going on?" Konata asked.
Covering the cell, Haruhi said angrily,"What are they doing over there? They're gettin' high, that's what. " He then shouted at Taniguchi, "Get me Kyon or I'll KILL YOUR SORRY ASS!"
Taniguchi fell back, his ears ringing like church bells but he feared Haruhi's wrath more so he hurriedly took the cellphone to Kyon. "Kyon, it's Haruhi."
Kyon took the phone and said cheerily, "Hi Haruhi~."
"Kyon, what the hell are you doing? Listen get your asses to the Angel Mort this instant."
"I'm kinda busy now," he replied.
"Just get your ass there or I'll nail you." She hung up. She announced to the others, "Alright, everyone. We're going to the Angel Mort. Let's see some team spirit! Long live the SOS Brigade!"
"Hooray!" Some of them shouted excitedly.
"Sieg Heil!" Kunikida hollered.
"URA!" Yuki roared epically like the Russian soldiers of World at War. Actually, she sounded like a cat whose tail got run over by a sports car.
"Smoked cheese!" Tsuruya screamed desperately.
Meanwhile, at another table, Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky watched the entire commotion while they're sipping coffee and trading hunting stories."What's up with those kids?" Jimbo asked.
Ned took his mechanical larynx and said, "They're probably raiding a store for Chinpoko Mon cards."
"That kinda reminds me of 'Nam when Charlie tried to overrun our perimeter the way these kids rush to the stores. Thank God for napalm."
"And Lucky Strikes," Ned said in his mechanical 'voice'.
As Itsuki went outside with the others, he thought to himself, Kyon didn't get much USO. He was pushed away too far or rejected too quickly. His idea of a great R&R is Mikuru without Haruhi. He had two ways to her: death or victory.
Never be racist~(Never say never)...
At a hospital Genma was resting in bed covered with bandages and plaster. His limbs were hung up like strings of ham and his body was connected to dextrose and hundreds of electrodes that trailed towards myriads of sensors. He groaned to himself, "Oh my... I should never be drunk again... I never knew this would happen..." He grunted some more in pain.
Ranma at his side, said, "You know, dad. Getting drunk in a hot spring. Stumbling into a barrel of ice cold water used to hold beers and going around the countryside as a panda and getting your ass kicked by some lame-ass was never a good idea."
"Yeah... At least you had fun with everyone else... ohhh!" He replied.
Then Ranma was splashed with ice cold water from Happosai. He shuddered from the chill and he turned into a girl."What the hell?" He?(She?) shrieked in a high-pitched voice.
Happosai then put on a doctor's coat and said to her(him), "Miss Ranma, can I give you a checkup?" His eyes enlarged to that of a puppy's.
"Hell no!" He(she) kicked him in the face and out of the room. The Anti-SOS Brigade, who just were released, saw him fly across the hall and landed in a trash can.
"They should keep perverts out of the hospitals," Sasaki noted.
"Indeed," Kyouko agreed.
"Except the doctors," Fujiwara observed sneeringly.
Koyou Suou droned to herself, "Doctor-and-nurse-were... really-good-to-me... last-night."
"That's 'cause you're dumb screw-up from outer space," Fujiwara laughed loudly.
At another wing of the hospital, its wards were filled with many of the cast of School Rumble. They all ended up there due to some bad food from a discount sushi bar which caused stomach aches and explosive diarrhea. Most of the people are now moaning in bed. And in one particular room lay Tenma Tsukamoto with her younger sister Yakumo and Kenji Harima at her side.
"Oww... it hurts..." She moaned from the pain on her stomach.
"There, there, sis," comforted Yakumo, "we're here for you."
Meanwhile, Harima was brooding at the corner sit, obviously feeling angry with himself. I was such a fool, he thought to himself, to recommend that awful place to you. I could have killed you with that, along with everyone. I don't deserve to have you. He began to sob uncontrollably. The two siblings noticed and gave him odd looks. His crying caught the ear of Fujiwara. He peered into the room.
Lo and behold! He saw a Hispanic, possible Mexican, sobbing at the corner of the room. Although most people never knew it, Fujiwara, in addition to being a smug snake and murderous time extremist, is a racist asshole. It's something that runs in the family. To him, Harima looks very much like a Mexican. He then slipped in and took a seat near Harima, placing a friendly arm around his shoulders.
"Que pasa, ese, what's wrong?"
"It's," the ex-delinquent sniffed, "it's Tenma. It was my fault to have brought her and rest of our friends to that sushi bar. And now she's in pain because of me." He sobbed loudly.
"There, there, ese," he sneered with satisfaction, "I'm sure you can pay for your hospital bills by taking part-time jobs."
"Thanks, but no thanks. You're good man but I can't take your offer. Sorry."
"But I'm serious," he said in a fake Mexican accent. "There's a Home Depot next to the hospital. You can find work with a contractor there. It'll pay good money."
"No thanks, and by the way, I'm not Hispanic," Harima replied.
But Fujiwara pressed on, "But holmes, how are you gonna pay for your senorita's hospitalization if you go on a siesta, huh? Maybe we could drink some tequila first. Maybe you stop being a pocho and embrace your heritage."
Those jokes are starting to irritate him. He replied, politely, masking the mounting irritation in his voice, "Okay, that's enough. Please leave."
"Come on, ese, don't be a pendejo. You can work as a gardiner for a rich cabrón and his hot wife-"
"Get out!" Harima growled angrily. He then tried to grab him with his arms but missed as Fujiwara effortlessly dodged him.
"Órale, you're not so fast yourself, amigo," Fujiwara taunted. Harima pounced on him again but this time landed on Yakumo. She shrieked slightly.
"Sorry, Yakumo, I didn't mean to-" he hurriedly apologized as he got off her.
"Wow, man! You scored some bigtime with that mamacita, vato," the timeboy hooted. "Look's like you can tell the other homies from the barrio about how macho you are." Yakumo was in verge of tears. That angered Harima up. No one makes fun of his precious Tenma's younger sister and gets away with it. Fujiwara moved away while Harima grabbed a chair and tried to bat him with it. He laughed insanely, "Hey, don't go loco trying to beat me up like a pinata. You're like the La Migra."
Already he was getting sick and tired of Fujiwara taunting him with his racist jokes. But Harima was simply not fast enough to grab him. At least until Fujiwara took out a big jukebox that played mariachi music with him dancing around to the beat of the music. He cried, "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Hepa¡ ¡Hepa! ¡Hepa! Yeehaw!" Harima is even more pissed than before. But Fujiwara's luck ran out. While he danced, he took out his cellphone and called the INS, "Hello? INS? I'm here to report a mojado with big cojones who seem to lost his way to the bor-" As he was distracted, Harima grabbed him by the neck in a chokehold. He grabbed the cellphone and crushed it.
"My turn now," Harima said menacingly. He punched Fujiwara on the face, kicked him on the balls and slammed him against the jukebox, shutting it down for good. You can see his feet sticking out of the wrecked, smoking automated music-player. With a grunt of effort, he dumped the jukebox out the window from the twelth floor...
... to the hospital's concrete parking lot.
CRASH!
The jukebox cracked like an egg and Fujiwara was lying, every bone in his body ached and he was completely disoriented. He looked around and slurred, "Ow... that hurts..." Then he looked around to see Lala Gonzalez standing in front of him. Since she's a schoolmate of Harima and the Tsukamoto sisters and is from Mexico, she's pissed about Fujiwara's racist remarks when she heard the commotion from the next room.
"What's your problem with Mexican people, asshole?" she asked threateningly. "And why did you harass Tenma and the others?"
Fujiwara's eyes went wide open to see a female version of Harima standing in front of him. Worse still, she might a butch. In panic, he struggled to crawl away from her but she grabbed him by the collar like the worm he is. "Oh God, no," he whelped.
"I'm asking you a question?" she raised her voice, "what's your problem with Hispanics and why did you harass my friends?"
He chuckled nervously to the unsmiling Lala and sweated like a pig. He then offered a weak answer, "Uh, harassment?... I'm trying to work on my skills as a stand-up comedian. You know, the Late Show and Conan O' Brien, stuff like that?"
Wrong answer and Lala didn't care. Then for three exciting minutes, Lala practiced some hardcore lucha libre on his ass. She wiped her hands and left poor, mangled Fujiwara on the dust. He groaned and his body creaked like rotted floorboards. As he tried to get up, his ordeal wasn't over. The next person to come along was George Lopez, who beat him up some more with a baseball bat. He was followed by Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Andy Garcia, Antonio Banderas, Rey Mysterio, Emilio Estevez, Alberto Gonzalez, Danny Trejo, Pitball and more Mexican- and other Hispanic-Americans lining up to beat him for his racism. And don't forget Pvt. James Ramirez of Hunter-Two Actual, because Sgt. Foley ordered him to beat up Fujiwara.
The Angel Mort...
The Angel Mort is an establsihment were everyone eats. The restaurant specializes in baked goods and desserts and has some considerable clientele, half of which actually eat here during various times of the day, week, month and year and some who are really interested in the waitresses in the rather revealing uniforms. Unfortunately, none of the males in the newly-expanded SOS Brigade(which included their enemies and the Lucky Star girls) are interested in Male Gaze right now - except Taniguchi. Haruhi is setting today's activities. They're all seated at the bar of restaurant so Haruhi can see were they were rather have them seated in any of the tables. In any case, she doesn't like tables anyway. If anyone is at the restaurant right now, they might notice Fujiwara covered in bandages, his price for his blatantly racist humor.
"Alright," she announced, "for those who are not familiar with program, I'll orient you."
"Just like the Phoenix Program?" Kunikida asked. "Oh boy!"
"Please pipe down, Kuni or I'll get Yuki to get me my rusty chainsaw," Hauhi said simply.
"Nyoron~."
Satisfied that Kunikida has finally shut up, she went on, "Okay, as I was saying, for those who are not familiar with program, I'll orient you on what the Brigade's mission. We know already the assholes known as the Anti-SOS Brigade."
"Hey!" Sasaki fumed, "don't call us that. We've agreed to join you."
"Yeah, but I'm the leader and you're just tools," Haruhi scolded her. "Besides, you never get anything done the way we do it."
"Hmmphh," Sasaki pouted.
"That's right," Haruhi said smugly. "Okay, them we know off, let's asked our newest members of the Brigade."
"They're not even inductees, Haruhi," Kyon deadpanned, "and they're just here for whatever action you offered, not to pledge their lives to the Brigade."
"Don't try to ruin the mood, Kyon," Konata chimed happily. "You don't a lot of adventure everyday in your life you know." Her smile made the cyics blood boil.
Damn you, otakus, his mind sizzled.
"Okay, let's start with with the introduction of you guys," Haruhi finally said. "Okay, what's your name?"
"I'm Konata Izumi," Konata said proudly, "and I'm from..." While Konata Izumi made her proud interview, Kyon saw a fat old man sitting in a table smoking a cigarette, a blatant violation of the rules in the Angel Mort, with empty dinnerware. Somehow, it triggered something in Kyon. Flashback time!
The distorted electronic voice demanded, "Let's start at the beginning. Cuba, 1961. The Bay of Pigs. We know you were there."
"No-"
"Do not FUCK with me, Mason! I know when you're lying! '61. Bay of Pigs. What happened?" It growled again.
He laughed dryly, "We all got killed."
"There's no use lying, Mason," it warned.
There was a pause. Then Mason replied, "Castro... We went in to kill Castro."
Bay of Pigs, '61...
"The police are gonna be here soon... Let's make this quick," Woods said.
A lighter flicked and cigar was lit. And we are treated with a vintage bar in sunny Cuba during the sixties. We're treated to the sight of Mason and friends, Woods; Bowman; and Kinkaid with bartender Carlos, having drinks and listening to Celia Cruz's Quimbara. And their planning a scheme that will change history.
"Woods. It's been a while," Carlos greeted.
"Not enough Carlos," Woods replied, "you know Ice Cubb, uh, I mean Bowman, right?"
"Carlos," Bowman greeted like they were old friends.
"This is Mason," Woods pointed to Carlos.
Mason chimed in, "What's up, Carlos."
"Carlos, meet Kinkaid," Woods introduced him to Kinkaid, who smiled like an idiot. And to Carlos, he looked like a pornstar of a certain future boy celebrity with crappy music.
Carlos was nonplussed, "We're they hell did you get this pendejo? From the happy farm?" Nobody among the rest of know where Kinkaid come from or what he does before going to the CIA.
"Don't mind him," Woods suggested. Then they get business. "So you got what we need?"
Carlos pulled a map. Kinkaid interjected, "Hey! Is that a treasure map?"
The four other men retorted to him in unison, "Shut up, moron!" That quieted him down.
They went on with their planning. Carlos said, "He will be in here... Plantation..." He added sadly, "My old plantation. Our attack on the airfield should distract them enough to, get you inside." Carlos use to have one of the biggest sugar plantations in Cuba but thanks to Castro and socialism, he was given a cheap bar to live off and nothing else. Dang communism.
"What about the evac?" Woods asked.
"We will have transport waiting for you. Just be there."
Woods pocketed the map, "Excellent."
Then there some har knocks on the door. "Knock, knock!" growled a Cuban soldier outside.
"Who's there?" Kunikida sang. That earned him a hard right hook from Woods.
"What kind of a man would recommend this idiot?" Bowman noted. At Langley, Major Zero sent Kinkaid to them so the operation wouldn't succeed so he can send Naked Snake to a better mission.
Woods turned to Mason, "We got company." The door crashed with one kick and a bunch of Cuban soldiers came in demanding papers from everyone inside and acting like a bunch of bullies. One of them turned to Mason. He asked him where his from. No reply.
"I said where are you from, holmes?" He asked again, a little annoyed.
Mason cautioned, "Just be cool, Woods. Wait."
The soldier got closer to him. "I'm talking to you!" He to grab Mason but Woods grabbed him first and stabbed him with a bread knife.
The soldier screamed like a little girl, "AHHHH! It hurts! Why did you stab me with a bread knife! You're suppose to stab me with a-!" But Woods shut him up by bashing a beer bottle to his head. He then shot one baddie on the head. Mason pulled out the gun to shoot the other one but he aimed a banana at him.
"Oops," Mason said dumfounded. The soldier grinned and tried to shoot but his gun won't fire. Puzzled, the soldier tried to get it to work. Mason siezed the chance to take out his gun but realized he didn't had it. He got off his seat to look for on the floor.
"Stupid gun!" the soldier cursed. "Why can't you fire?" It would have easy for everyone in the room to just kill him with anything but no one did, not even Mason, who was still looking for his pistol, or Woods, Bowman and Carlos, who just stood there and watched. The soldier checked his magazine and it was empty so he reloaded. "Aha!" He cried triumphantly and pulled the trigger but no fire. "Shit!" He forgot to turn of the safety. He did and tried to fire. None. He realized he forgot to lock the gun. He locked it and fired. Nothing. Pissed, he shouted, "What the hell!" He didn't notice Mason was all around his feet looking for his gun while he tried to repeat everything he had done right. Then the soldier checked his magazine, which had a dent so it can't feed. He threw it away with distaste and reached for another one. Meanwhile, Mason found his pistol- sat upon by Kinkaid. The soldier, smile on his fired his gun. Nothing yet again. He checked it and realized it was a misfeed jam. He cursed and locked the gun again. By time he got it right Mason pointed his gun at him. The soldier dropped the gun and chuckled nervously, "Can't we all just get along?"
BANG!
And his dead. but then there were police sirens to sounded like KYOOON! KYOOON! KYOOON!
Flashback abruptly cut off...
"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, "Wake up!" Kyon was now back to the real world.
"Wha... What?" he mumbled dumbly.
"Kyon, no one sleeps in a Brigade meeting till I say so," Haruhi blurted.
"But I wasn't sleeping," he protested, "I was having a random flashback induced by a seemingly insignificant action."
Haruhi rolled her eyes in annoyance, "Oh please, you're having fantasies of Miyuki for all we know."
"Miyuku?"
"My new moe, Miyuki Takara," Haruhi said, pointing to the pinkette meganekko.
"Who said I was anyone's moe?" Miyuki asked sweetly with a smile. Although Miyuki was polite like Mikuru, her polite manner of saying those words chilled Haruhi to the bone. She almost trembled.
"On... second thought," she changed the subjet, "let's solve those murders and save Mikuru!" While she berated Kyon as an example to everyone, Taniguchi ordered an ice cream sundae from a sexy waitress.
"Here you go, sir," she said sweetly, "enjoy you're meal sir."
"Thank you, Miss Sunday," he said with a smoky voice, "I hope to enjoy you as my next smile." The waitress chuckled, hiding the fact that she's creeped out by Taniguchi's innuendo and backed away slowly. Then Taniguchi proceeded to spoon some of the sundae to his mouth, one the felt like to him was the soft tender kiss of a woman. And...
"It tastes like DIABATES!" He screamed madly. Not to mention some tooth decay and a dash of brainfreeze.
A/N: Sorry for the hiatus. This is one chapter I should have been working before. I was inspired by South Park and Godfather in the second segment. Special thanks to superstarultra for giving me some words to use in my Fujiwara hospital segment. There's the bunker scene reference from Platoon in the first Kyon-Taniguchi part. The Suzie Q part is a reference to the Apocalypse Now USO scene, which featured Playboy bunnies. Kyon's fake radio broadcast came from Good Morning, Vietnam, which also referenced from the chapter title. You can found the said lines from the Movie Sounds Page website. And also special thanks to Call of Duty wiki for Black Ops. And by now, you know where the drunk panda from Chapter Nine came from.