Author's Notes #1: Early again! I think updates are either going to be weekly or every two weeks now, depending on how difficult I find it is to write the chapter.
I come bearing good news! Reverse has reached at least 100 reviews! Yay! :D And it's all thanks to you reviewers! Give yourself a pat on the back! Come on! Do it!
Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts and all related characters are the property of Square Enix and Disney. Elsewhere was written by Gabrielle Zevin. Lyrics for The Walk belong to Imogen Heap.
Chapter Eleven: Melting Ice
To call or not to call. That was what it all boiled down to.
Somehow, he knew that this would happen. That he would begin to regret it. It hit him as soon as he walked through his front door. He had just dropped something off at Axel's house. He had been as nervous, excited even, as people get when they asked other people out on dates. Sitting there, with his finger hovering over the buttons, dialing the first few numbers, he had expected the feeling of guilt from dumping Namine to wash over him. He was hoping, however, that by the time he got to this point, he would've summoned up enough resistance and be able to go through with it.
But asking someone out right after breaking up with someone seemed cruel.
He kept telling himself that he had to call him, whether he wanted to or not. He had spent an entire day in Reversal for this one moment, and he was going to go through with it, dammit!
How difficult could it be, really, to call someone you knew had feelings for you and had been close friends with for several years, and say, "Hey, I think I may possibly be interested in going on a date with you. Could you meet me somewhere sometime before midnight?"?
Midnight was quickly approaching and no phone call had been made. It was too dark, too late now to go anywhere or do anything. He had missed his chance, and he knew it. He would have to do all of this again on his next day. But by simply holding onto his cell phone and dialing the first few digits of Axel's number over and over again, he was given a sort of false hope. That maybe it wasn't too late. There were a lot of places that stayed open this late at night, and Axel could still be awake.
To call or not to call. That was what it all boiled down to. Breaking up with Namine, chasing after her, confronting Marluxia, seeing her cry- it all ended up in this one moment, this one simple moment that he was finding increasingly difficult to go through with. He waited, one more hour, two more hours, five minutes more, expecting to find himself filled with a newfound initiative to dial the number. All the while, he couldn't stop thinking that maybe this was as far as his and Axel's "relationship" could go. It took all of that and... and...
And it all resulted in a closed cell phone clutched in Roxas's sleeping hand with an undialed number.
Roxas's eyes shot open.
He fell asleep!
He had something he had to do, and he fell asleep! Where was his self control? Where was his competence?
Where the hell was his grandfather?
"Looking for me?"
As soon as he heard Sora's cheery voice, he had the brunet's shoulders in a death grip.
"Send me back." he demanded. "Send me back right now!"
Sora looked both confused and scared. "Woah, woah! Send you back where?"
Roxas took his hands off Sora's shoulders and pointed one finger downwards. "Down there! I was supposed to ask him out on a date, and I'm gonna do just that!"
Understanding flashed across Sora's face. "Ohhh... I get it. You're upset because you didn't get a chance to go out with Axel."
"Are you slow? Yes, dammit! Now put me back!"
"I can't!" Sora protested. "I don't have the power to do that! Why don't you just ask him tomorrow?"
Roxas emphasized every word. "I broke up with my girlfriend, bought him a gift, and had the phone open! I was on a roll. I hugged him, for God's sake! Hugged. I was so close and had gone so far, and it's screwed up because of basic human needs I shouldn't even have anymore? That is so... ugh!" He pulled his hair in irritation.
"I was supposed to... I have to... I have to...!"
"That's a little... I mean, if you just view going on a date with someone as something you're forcing yourself to do, then you're not really being sincere, are you? Wait until you're ready, and then ask. Besides, why didn't you ask him when you had the phone open?"
"Because I'm the stupidest person in the world. Plus, I've never learned how to ask someone who's the same gender as you out. It's not exactly commonplace, and the stuff they say about picturing them in their underwear is completely inappropriate in this situation."
It should've been easy. It was a situation where you could ask whomever you wanted out, and no one would've remembered long enough to care. He was completely consequence-free in all his choices, and yet...
"I'm trapped."
Because there's no such thing as a consequence-free choice, is there? Even if you avoid everyone else, you can't run away from yourself.
"What'd you say? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
"I'm trapped between my need to keep things normal and my want to move forward. It feels like I'm getting nothing accomplished here. How would I know if I'm not gonna do the exact same thing I did today? It would've been better if I had never known he felt that way about me in the first place! Then, I wouldn't be worrying about this!"
"But why are you worrying? You could just ignore the fact that he likes you. The fact that you care so much about the confession means that there's a part of you that's really, really happy you know. Maybe you're relieved? Because there's a part of you that feels that way about him?"
Roxas stared at him. "Sora, my best friend has been gay for me for years. Obviously, I care."
Sora shot him a look. "I know, but..." He took a deep breath. Roxas could tell that whatever he was going to say next, it was long. "Look at it this way. You know he likes you, but he doesn't know you know. Nobody knows you know. I know you know, but I'm dead, so you don't have to worry about me blabbing anytime soon. If you had absolutely no interest in him, then you could go on the way things are, and nobody would think anything was wrong with it except you. Which means that any choice you make is based off your own thoughts and opinions and feelings, without the influence of others. And since you broke up with Namine, which was entirely your own doing, then that means that there are thoughts, opinions, and feelings in you that would cause you to do that under normal circumstances. Feelings like infatuation, perhaps?"
He stared at Sora. "...Did you spend all day on that?"
"Guardian. Job. It's not like there's anything better to do."
"Whatever. And it's not true that any choice I make is my own decision. It's his fault for telling me in the first place!"
"You'd be sad if he didn't."
Roxas reluctantly agreed to that.
"Admit it," Sora continued "After he died for you, it would've been a big disappointment if the P.S. said, 'By the way, Roxas, I think of you as nothing but a good friend. Ignore the fact that I attempted suicide after you died. My relationship with you is totally platonic.' "
Roxas recoiled a bit when Sora mentioned the suicide. He knew he didn't mean to mention it so carelessly, but it still hurt nonetheless. Sora, in his usual oblivious manner, didn't seem to notice.
"And... you knew. You knew ever since Day Two, right?"
Day Two. When Axel kissed him. He guessed a part of him had figured it out before the rest of him did, but his brain misinterpreted it. He wasn't surprised when he read the postscript in that message, he knew that. But did he really already know back then? No, he couldn't have. Because then he wouldn't have misinterpreted it. If he knew, he would've considered going out with Axel sooner.
"I don't know, does this make me gay?"
No, right? He didn't really like Axel that way. He simply wanted to try something out. He had liked girls before all this happened. He still liked girls. Plus, he had never shown any interest in any other male besides Axel.
Sora forgave Roxas for his sudden topic change. "Mmm... I wouldn't call you gay. I wouldn't even call you bi. You're more... bi-curious."
"Bi-curious?"
"Yeah. It means you're straight, but you show an interest in having a relationship with someone of the same gender. You're curious."
"Are you... okay with that?"
"Roxas, I'd be okay with you, no matter what you are. Hey, I'm okay with Riku, aren't I? And you're my own flesh and blood."
Curious, huh? That was a pretty accurate way to describe his current feelings towards Axel. Bi-curious sounded a little better than gay, but he still wouldn't want to picture everyone's reactions if they heard what he and Sora were talking about right now. Good thing any reactions they would have would only last a day.
He had to confess. It was true that there was a part of him that had felt overjoyed when he knew for sure that Axel liked him that way. But that was just human nature. You can't help but like someone that likes you.
Then that's not a real crush. If he only liked him because of human nature, then that was something he couldn't help. It wasn't his choice.
That settled it. Roxas Strife did not have a crush on Axel Parr. He felt relieved, knowing that at least one thing in his life stayed the same.
Axel and Demyx were opposites in nearly every conceivable way.
First and most obviously, Demyx was friendly and Axel was an asshole. This would bef a fair generalization to make, as Axel would probably agree to the fact that he was an asshole, and Demyx liked being called friendly.
Second, while Axel was a man of numbers, Demyx was a man of words. He wasn't a man of words in the sense that if you spoke with him, he would shock you with his flowery vocabulary. It was more in the sense that he and words had a good relationship. Words easily came to him whenever he wrote lyrics for his songs. In addition, most of Demyx's memories weren't remembered as actions, but rather as quotes. Most of what he could remember were the words that people had said, but he can't remember what those words really meant or why they were said.
Third, Demyx loved water. Swimming was his favorite sport, room temperature bottled water was his favorite drink, and even up here in Heaven, he spent all his time near the lake. Axel, on the other hand, had a strange fascination with fire. Just one step short of pyromania, Axel was that kid who always used a magnifying glass to set ants on fire.
This point was more of an elemental, symbolic thing than the others, but it was fitting personality-wise, too. Water and fire. One was both unpredictable at times and playful while the other was wild and destructive.
Finally, and this was what interested Roxas the most, Axel presumably loved him and Demyx seemed to hate the shit out of him.
Many would beg to differ. Demyx was too adorable and innocently sweet to hate anybody. But Roxas could smell bullshit from a mile away. Demyx just didn't let it show. He smiles and he laughs and he strikes up friendly conversations but underneath it all, he knew he hated him. Roxas could hear it in his voice the last time they spoke. He could see it in his eyes. They weren't smiling even though his lips were.
Okay, so hate may be too strong of a word, but Demyx certainly disliked him to some degree, and it wasn't the same "I'm so much better than you; I'm famous" kind of thing most celebrities had. Roxas wanted to know why.
The first step to finding out why was to find Demyx. And finding Demyx meant looking for the lake. This would appear to be an easy task, because since there wasn't anything up there to distract him other than clouds and light, a floating lake should be able to stand out.
But do you want to know one great thing about clouds?
When you're standing on top of them, they all look the same.
Which meant that any sense of direction you had was lost up there. Roxas figured using the position of the Sun would help him a bit, but it didn't.
Tired and just about ready to give up on his curiosity, he suddenly heard faint guitar music in the distance. Demyx played the guitar in some of his songs, he remembered. Thinking that this was a surefire way to find the musician, he followed the sound.
Sure enough, he soon saw the edge of the lake. Demyx was there with his fishing pole as always. Only this time the fishing pole was put aside, and the guitar was in his hands instead. But now that he could hear it up close, it didn't really sound all that much like a guitar. What was that other instrument that generic teen magazine said Demyx could play? Oh yeah! The sitar!
Roxas cleared his throat and announced, "I have a theory."
Demyx jumped in surprise, dropping his sitar. The blond musician then turned around, smiling when he realized who it was.
"Oh! Hi, Roxas!"
"I have a theory about why you keep hanging around this lake."
Demyx tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"You're always here! I know you're not stuck doing Reversal like I am, so that's means you can waltz right into Heaven! Well, what are you waiting for? Eternal happiness in Paradise, and you'd rather spend your time near a lake? But I have a theory about that."
A playful smirk spread across Demyx's features. "Oh? And what's your theory?"
Roxas was confident. "I know this lake is connected to Earth." He leaned in closer. "You want to go back, don't you?"
Demyx smiled. "Wrong! The lake doesn't let souls pass through! Only inanimate objects!" He was doing a little victory dance in his head, complete with head bangs and pelvic thrusts.
"But you wish it did, don't you?"
The dance was abruptly ended.
"You wish you could drown yourself in that lake." Roxas accused. "You wish you could go back to Earth. You wish that getting your life back was as easy as jumping in water."
"That's not–"
"And I know you do..." he interrupted,"...because I want to, too."
He wished he could go back. He wished he could go back and hug Axel and apologize for all the crap he ever put him through. Hell, he wished he could apologize to everyone, but Axel was first in his mind. He wished he could do back home and live his life again, one where whatever you did wasn't erased by the end of the day, and you kept on moving forward instead of being dragged back. He wished, but even if he tossed a coin into the lake, it wouldn't come true.
Any traces of a smile were completely wiped away from Demyx's face, replaced with a serious expression. He remained completely silent. That was how Roxas knew he guessed right. The older blond looked down. But not at the lake. Whatever he was thinking of, he looked sad.
"…It's not because I want to come back from the dead." he said quietly. "It's because I'm looking for someone down there."
"Who?"
"None of your business!" Demyx whined childishly. Well, that serious moment lasted for all of about two seconds.
"It is my business!" Roxas angrily shouted. "I have enough crap to deal with, with Reversal and all, and I don't need some bi-polar crack head screwing with my brain! Obviously, I did something to piss you off, and I want to know what!"
After that, it grew quiet. Roxas had expected that outburst to solicit some sort of a response from the musician, such as an equally angry retort. He did not, however, expect him to smile at him brightly.
Another thing about water? Sometimes, it's ice cold.
He asked, "Why would you think I was angry at you? You have a lot of very redeeming qualities, and that makes you a great person. I can never hate a great person like you. And you know what's so great about you, Roxas? "
'Dear Lord, don't tell me he's going to break into songs about friendship.'
The bright smile Demyx had on suddenly seemed very, very menacing. "You seem to think you're the only one suffering. You seem to think your death only affected you."
"No! I thought about Axel, I thought about Namine, I thought about my parents, I thought about-"
Demyx smiled. "Okay, you thought about the people you cared about. That's great! But have you ever stopped to consider people you don't know? Have you ever stopped to think about what happened to the driver of the car?"
Roxas's eyes widened. "Y-You know? You saw my death? That's impossible! You died around the same time I did!"
"It's not rocket science to ask some of the angels around here a person's cause of death. Besides, I told you min-"
"Are you a stalker? Why do you always know everything that's going on with me?"
Why him? Why did Demyx have such an interest in him? He'd never met him before in his life!
Demyx had a strange expression on his face. "I think that… the more I know about you, the more I'll be able to forgive you."
"Forgive… me?"
The smile returned, but only half as bright. "Nevermind! Anyway, let me tell you about what happened to a whole bunch of other people because of you. Yes, you." Demyx pointed at him, with an extremely odd look in his face all of a sudden, and Roxas shifted uncomfortably.
"They're strangers to you, but you should still listen. The driver of the car? He was paralyzed from the waist down. Now he'll never walk again. But he's more upset for you than himself. He spends all his time wishing he had been more careful, riddled with guilt. Spends all that time trapped in a wheelchair." Demyx shook his head.
"Why are you telling me this?" Was this why Demyx hated him? Because he ruined someone else's life? That would've made sense, as Roxas felt like hating himself. All this time, he had held a little grudge against the driver for messing everything up for him, but he hadn't thought about how that person would've felt about it.
But there was something else to Demyx's hatred. It seemed like Roxas had hurt Demyx personally.
"The woman who called the police? She stayed by the entire time, making sure you made it to the hospital okay. She had an important interview that day. It was her last chance at a good job. She missed it."
'I didn't know. I didn't mean it. Why are you telling me this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so selfish, but what do you expect me to do?'
"All because you didn't look both ways before crossing the street."
"..."
As Roxas seemed to take in what he was saying to him, Demyx reverted back to the completely cheery, carefree teenager that all his fangirls loved. "I'm not trying to be mean to you. Really, I'm not. You're a good kid. Better than I thought you were gonna be. I just… I just thought you should know."
"I didn't need to know."
"I know. I'm being selfish here, too. Don't riddle yourself with guilt like that driver. None of that was entirely your fault, I guess. What's done is done." He turned to face him, an all-knowing look plastered on his face. "You hate that you're starting to feel sorry for those people don't you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're gonna start thinking about them, and the only person you want to think about is Axel."
"It amazes me how much of a stalker you really are."
"No, seriously!" There went Demyx's whining again. "All you want to worry about, all you want to bring yourself to care about, all you think deserves your compassion is him. And don't even think about lying about it, because I saw that blush just now!"
Damn his cheeks for betraying him!
"You've been thinking about him ever since you found out he loved you! I'm not even sure if you heard anything I was saying earlier! All you probably heard was 'Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel'!"
"Yeah, right! I just wanted to go out with him because I felt bad for him! I mean, if I loved someone–"
"Axel!"
"Shut up! If I loved someone, and they didn't even give me a chance, I'd feel bad!"
"I thought he wouldn't remember it anyway?" Demyx mockingly asked.
Roxas struggled, trying to think of more excuses. Because the thought of him actually liking Axel that way was ridiculous, right? It was just experimentation, right? Yeah, that was it! Experimentation!
"I just wanted to play around with the idea of having Axel as a..." He had to push himself to get the next word out. "...boyfriend."
"Denial! D-A-N-I-L-E, denial!"
"Shut. Up. Besides, how would I know if I liked him or not? I'm still worried about Namine! I think I'm starting to regret what I did to her."
"Why? It's not you two actually broke up."
Roxas clenched his fists. "I know. It just hurts to know that, at one point, even if no one else remembers it, I hurt her like that. And for what?"
"For the power of true love!"
"...I'll ignore that. What if she's right? What if we don't work out? What if I'm just wasting time?"
"You're in Reversal and you still have the nerve to say things like 'wasting time'?"
Roxas ignored him. Happy Demyx was like having a second Sora around.
"But what if… I get hurt?"
"C'mon, you got to give him more credit than that."
"No, I mean… what if I actually do like him back?"
"So you like him back."
"No. I said 'what if.' "
"So you like him back."
"I didn't say that."
"You'd be wasting time if you stayed with her." Demyx explained matter-of-factly. "You were with her for two years. You already know what it's like to be with her. You're too paranoid. It's not good to be scared of change. Change is good! Embrace it! Otherwise, you're just a sorry loser who does the same exact things day after day!"
"Loser? Like you're one to talk! All you do is sit by this damn lake all day, everyday, fishing! Like you're ever going to catch anything!"
"Ah, but I wasn't fishing today, was I?"
Roxas remembered the sitar. "Well, no, but..."
"So you agree I don't just fish everyday?"
"Yeah, but you don't sing, either! You're a singer! You're supposed to be singing! In front of people! Not wasting your time by a boring lake! Nothing ever happens here! I'm the most interesting thing here, and you know it's bad when I'm the most interesting thing!"
"I said I was looking for someone."
"That's not an excuse! If you're going to bitch to me about wasting my time with Namine, then I'm going to bitch to you about whoever it is down there! You should do something else once in a while! Change is good! Embrace it! Weren't those your words?"
"...At least I'm happy."
"Happy? How could you be happy? How could you be happy wasting your talent like this? How could you be happy letting down all your fans by letting your voice slowly wither away? If you were a singer before, you should be a singer now! It's what you're good for!"
"You don't have to do exactly what you did before."
"You do if it's what you're meant to be doing! Why aren't you singing, Demyx? Why don't you sing something, Demyx Loreone?"
"…You're saying it wrong."
Roxas was taken back. "What?" Was he deaf? Did he not hear anything he just said?
"My last name. You're saying it wrong."
"Loreone?"
"Yeah. It's not 'Lor-ee-inn.' It's 'Lor-ee-awn.'"
"Oh. Well, everyone pronounces it 'Lor-ee-inn.'"
"Well, they're wrong, then. Stupid fans." Demyx pouted, sticking his lip out.
It was strange how they had shifted from a serious conversation to a friendly one to an angry one, then right back to a friendly one. Friendly conversations with Demyx didn't feel right. Axel and Demyx were opposites, and he found it much more comfortable to talk to Axel than Demyx. Axel didn't annoy him as much.
Wait. Yes, he did. But he annoyed him in more of a teasing, "I'm older, taller, and better-looking than you, so I'm going to bug the hell out of you" sort of way, rather than Demyx's "I have a split personality disorder, so I'm going to confuse you with my hyperactivity and unexplained hatred." That was just one of the many things he loved about Ax–
Wait. What the hell was he just about to think?
"You like him, don't you?" he heard Demyx say, breaking him out of his thoughts.
"No!"
"I understand. I know what it's like to miss someone badly. The person down there, he's an old friend of mine. I haven't talked to him in years."
"And you think you're gonna fish him out with your fishing pole?"
Demyx smirked one of those smirks that would've looked way better on Axe–
Argh!
"Maybe I will." Demyx said. He pointed away from the lake. "Shouldn't you get going now? You know, start your next day, tell Axel how you really feel about him?"
Roxas nodded, and was about to leave after smacking Demyx on the head for his comment about Axel, but then he remembered why he came to the lake in the first place.
"Hey! You haven't told me why you hated me yet!"
"Man! And here I was, hoping you'd forget."
"So you admit you hate me!"
"Man! I got owned two times in a row!"
Roxas plopped himself down next to him. "I'm just gonna make myself comfortable here."
He looked at Demyx, straight in the eye.
"Now talk, Mr. Bi-polar Pretty Boy."
When Demyx Loreone was born in the back seat of an old, run-down taxi, to a mother who was only fifteen, he didn't have a name. This was a fact that was often left out of every biography and article ever written about him.
Those biographies and articles often left out plenty of things about Demyx's childhood, upon the request of the subject. Like how his mother, who was smart enough to know that she couldn't take care of a baby at her age, and that her parents would be furious when they found out, dropped the baby off at a local orphanage where he was nurtured and loved...
...for a while. No, he wasn't abused. Sorry people, but there weren't many movie-worthy things about Demyx's childhood, unfortunately.
Soon afterwards, he was adopted by a charming and delightful family who already had seven children of their own but had somehow managed to make room for one more. He had broken their lucky number seven, which probably explained why he was always such a klutz. Nevertheless, they loved and accepted him anyway, just as he was.
He was given the name Myde Fisher.
Boring so far, huh? Where was all the drama?
Well, Myde's parents certainly knew how to love their son, but no one had ever bothered to teach him how to love himself. Unpopular and teased at school, he never got to see himself the way his parents saw him. Even so, he managed to keep an upbeat and cheery personality towards others, even those who made fun of him, because even if Myde didn't love himself, he certainly loved everything and everybody else.
Imagine his surprise–imagine how overjoyed he must have felt–when a group of kids at his high school invited him to their party. Finally, someone other than his family saw value in him. He didn't care one bit if those kids had a bad reputation at school.
But that night, for the first time ever, Myde felt like he was on top of the world. And it was all thanks to the snow. He didn't remember if he ever thanked those guys for introducing him to it.
The snow was incredible. It was amazing. It gave him a rush that not even the tallest roller coaster in the theme park could give him. No, it took him higher than any roller coaster in the world. Eventually, though, the snow wore off and he would fall from the top of that roller coaster, with no seat belt strapped in. He didn't like the fall nearly as much as he loved the high. He had to keep taking more snow.
For all of those confused, that was the night that Myde first got addicted to cocaine.
Over time, he got addicted to all sorts of different drugs, most of them at similar parties. The snow was always his favorite. But it was the snow and all those other drugs that landed him in a rehabilitation center at age seventeen, with his well-meaning, loving parents wondering where they went wrong.
The story wasn't boring anymore.
Unable to stand it anymore after just a month, he escaped, disheveled and confused, looking for a place to call home. His family wouldn't be where he left them, he knew. He broke down, wondering, just as his parents had a month ago, where it all went wrong.
And it was there, next to an old, run-down taxi by an old, run-down road that he met the person who would have the most impact on him in his entire life. He's was never mentioned in any of Demyx's autobiographies, so the name is probably unrecognizable. He wasn't the talent agent who discovered him, but he was responsible for making him famous. He was a local high school teacher.
His name was Zexion Loreone.
"Did you know that if you pronounced your last name a little differently, it would rhyme with your first name?" Myde asked this to the older man, while he was sat in the back of this stranger's car, secretly wondering how crazy you would have to be to pick up such a hopeless wreck of a hitchhiker.
"Yes, I do. Now tell me, where are you headed?"
"Home."
"And where is home?"
"...Where's your place?"
"Mind telling me your name first?"
Myde wasn't sure why he lied to him. It wasn't like he needed an alias. He honestly believed that he would get caught by the rehab people, eventually. The fake name he offered was something he had found out sometime during his month in the rehab center out of pure boredom. He had written his name and then an X, to symbolize the family name that he had lost, that he didn't even deserve anymore. Staring at it for hours in despair, he found out that if he mixed up the letters of his name and added the X somewhere in there, he would get...
"Demyx. My name's Demyx."
Zexion wasn't thrilled at the idea of a young, homeless teenager staying with him at first. He wasn't going to let him stay for free, that was certain. Demyx didn't have any money with him, so he would have to get a job first. Incredibly, however, Demyx was fired from every and any job that Zexion had signed him up for. That was impossible. This kid could not be that worthless.
"Do you have any talents? Tell me, exactly what are you good for?"
"Oh! Uhhh...I...sing...sometimes."
"Really? Are you any good? Let me hear a song, then."
When Demyx began to sing, Zexion was stunned silent. For a homeless brat clearly lacking the money necessary to pay for formal singing lessons, he was pretty good.
It was almost… professional.
"That's... amazing."
Even though Zexion thought Demyx's raw talent alone was good enough, he encouraged him to take lessons. He paid for every one, and seemed to completely forget about Demyx's requirement to pay for room and board. The lessons were increasingly difficult and taught by harsh teachers who never seemed to drink enough coffee in the morning. Demyx swore he felt a part of his soul die after just one lesson. He had nightmares about all cows eating grass and good boys who don't fight anyone for weeks.
But even after all the torture, he really did hear himself getting better. He could reach notes he hadn't been able to reach before and learned better breathing techniques. However, that wasn't the reason he had survived through those horrible, horrible teachers for so long.
Zexion was.
Zexion believed in him. He was the first person who helped him to see the true value he had. He let him know that he was worth something. That he was worth all the munny paid for those ridiculously overpriced lessons. If a complete stranger thought he was worth that much, then maybe he wasn't that useless of a person after all. For once, he learned to love himself. For once, he thought of himself as unique. Special. Irreplaceable. Worthwhile.
For once, he could look at his reflection in the mirror.
"You rock! Oh, thank you, Demyx! Don't mention it, Demyx!"
"Talking to yourself again?"
"Eep! Zexion! I was just...doing some voice exercises!"
And smile.
The more Demyx learned to love himself, the more Zexion learned to love him as well. He was the reason that he didn't have to come home to an empty house after a long day of teaching. He kept the otherwise quiet days interesting and, though he hated to admit, fun. He started to view him as less of a nuisance and more of a companion.
However, the teen clearly had problems.
"If there's ever something bothering you, you should come talk to me for help. I took courses in college for this sort of thing."
Demyx stared at Zexion strangely. Had he ever said he had a problem? No, right? So there was no need to be having this conversation, and Zexion didn't like having needless conversations. Demyx was perfectly content with the way things were.
No... that wasn't true. Inwardly, he knew he still had all his old problems, buried deep inside. They were just numbed down, hardly felt anymore. He didn't know if he was strong enough. He wondered... if he was confronted with the snow again, would he be able to resist it? Rehab had done its job of getting him to stop using it... but what if, for whatever reason, he wanted to start again?
"So, what are you, a therapist?"
"Only if you want me to be."
He could've told him. He could've told Zexion everything about his past drug addictions. Zexion could help him get over it for good. He knew that, in his right state of mind, he would never make the same mistake again, but by telling someone else, they're sharing the hardship with you. Telling Zexion would make things easier. He should've told him. But instead, he said possibly the stupidest thing he could've said at that moment.
"Hey, did you notice that when you break up the word 'therapist', you would get 'the rapist'? That is freaky! Did you ever notice that?"
Zexion's concerned expression didn't change.
"No, I didn't notice."
Demyx was destined for greatness. Something bigger than the walls Zexion's house had to offer. Something bigger than the invisible borderlines of this town had to offer. Zexion knew it as soon as Demyx had so much as uttered a single note that first time he had asked him to sing for him. He knew Demyx wanted something more than this, too. He wanted fame, fortune, and glamour, like so many people did.
"Demyx? Are you interested in having some of your songs available to the general public?"
Zexion said he knew someone. A talent agent. Said that they used to be good friends. Demyx was excited when he heard this. He could be famous? That would get the kids in his old school to wish they had treated him better! Every night after that, he had dreams of singing songs he wrote in front of millions of people, all chanting his name.
"How did you earn enough munny to know a famous talent agent personally? High school teacher doesn't pay much."
A crooked smile, rarely seen on Zexion's face. "You know that book, Kingdom Hearts?"
"You mean that best-selling novel that made like a billion munny in the first week? I never read it, why?"
"...Did I ever mention I was a part-time novelist?"
The talent agent, Xemnas, came over to Zexion's house and listened to a CD of songs that Demyx had written–with a little of Zexion's help–that the two of them had made. He was signed and given a record deal almost immediately.
When Xemnas had heard Demyx didn't have a real home, he offered to have him live in his mansion until he made enough money to buy his own. Demyx couldn't believe anyone owned a bigger house than Zexion, but Zexion assured him that Xemnas's mansion was, in fact, bigger. A bigger house, money, and fame. Um... yes?
"Demyx, if you become a famous singer someday, would you write a song for me?"
He stopped in the middle of packing his clothes in his suitcase, getting ready to leave. It was so out of the blue and the last thing Demyx had expected Zexion to say.
"Yeah, sure I will!"
"Promise?"
"Yeah, promise."
That was the last time he ever saw Zexion again. He watched his house disappear from sight as his new manager's car pulled him further and further away. Feeling the gentle vibrations of the car as it drove over the rough road, Demyx began to worry about a lot of things.
His manager thought he was good enough, but what if the rest of the world didn't? What if he was just setting himself up for embarrassment and bad reviews? Or worse. What if he was going to end up like one of those one-hit wonders? And what if he ended up– I don't know–number nine or something on a list of the worst one-hit wonders of all time? He was going to be immortalized as the ninth worst one-hit wonder of all time! He'd never hear the end of it!
He didn't, however, worry about Zexion. Zexion would be where he always was. He knew it. In case he wasn't successful, in case his album didn't sell well, he knew he had a place to go back to. Zexion was grown up already. He didn't have any dreams that needed fulfilling like his did. After a while, he became so wrapped up in the glamour of stardom, he forgot all about Zexion.
There were a lot of things about stardom that Demyx didn't count on. Initially, he hadn't counted on having many fans. So learning that a lot of people, mostly girls, had liked his music was a pleasant surprise. He didn't count on the multiple interviews, photo shoots, and music videos that came with the job. Well, he did, but he didn't count on all of them being one right after another. He wasn't used to being so busy or being in the presence of so many people at once. He didn't count on how much emphasis was placed on how he looked, which meant makeup artists were constantly messing around with his face. His manager had convinced him to do a lot of crazy things, like wear pants that were so tight, they prevented proper blood circulation, but the strangest thing he had him do was change his hairstyle to some sort of mullet/Mohawk combination. Before, he thought it looked ridiculous, but now, he couldn't imagine his hair being any different.
Most of all, he didn't count on how lonely it all felt.
After he sang the last song at a concert, after he answered the last question in an interview, after he finished filming a music video, he came to the startling realization that no one would be there for him. Sure, he had millions of fans, but how often did he get to meet them personally? The times he did meet them, there was a wall of security guards between them. Fans didn't comfort him on his worst days. Fans didn't talk to him when he was lonely. Fans changed every time he toured in a different city.
His manager saw him as something to be sold to the public, and really, so did his fans, and so did he.
He became depressed for a very long time.
He had tried to call Zexion millions of times, but no one had ever answered. He had snuck away from his manager and had driven over to Zexion's house, to see what was wrong, but when he got there, it had belonged to someone else entirely.
'He... moved. Without telling me anything.'
Then there was a party. He should've known better. He really should've. But he didn't.
Demyx Loreone allowed the snow to keep him company.
And it accompanied him all the way to the grave.
'I miss you... Zexion.'
"He will be missed by millions. Tonight, Channel Six News tells the story of how this young and cheerful superstar rose to the top before his tragic death, in Demyx Loreone: Teen Idol. Let us rewind to the early days of his fame…"
When it came time for Demyx to pick a stage name, he had assumed Zexion's last name in honor of the man who took care of him when no one else would. Only he made a change. Loreone was pronounced exactly so that it would rhyme with Zexion.
He didn't expect anyone to know the meaning of his name. But he kept hoping that Zexion would hear him on the radio, on the television, or wherever. He kept hoping that he would go to his official website, find out his tour schedule, and go to one of his shows. He kept hoping that Zexion would push his way to the front of the screaming crowd and let him know he was okay.
But in case he couldn't afford a ticket, he kept hoping that wherever Zexion was, he was listening to his singing, and that he was proud of him.
Before, when he wasn't doing a show, interview, or music video, one could sometimes catch him alone, pen and paper in hand, with his trusty sitar lying next to him.
'Sorry, Zexion.'
His hands would tremble above the blank sheet of paper.
'I'm trying to write you a song.'
His eyes would water.
'But I just can't seem to stop crying.'
"Now talk, Mr. Bi-polar Pretty Boy."
Demyx stared at Roxas, scared stiff. What was he supposed to do? He didn't want to tell someone why he disliked him! That would hurt his feelings! Oh no, oh no, oh no! And after looking this cool so far with his snappy comebacks and cool attitude! What should he do? Roxas could see him sweating!
Then he realized. Roxas was shorter than him.
He pushed his palm against Roxas's forehead. "No thank you! I'd prefer to keep my secrets to myself!"
"But you stalk me! You don't let me keep my secrets to myself!"
Demyx sighed. "Tell you what. Let me keep my secrets, and I'll stop stalking you. Although, it's not really stalking. It's more of a gathering of informatio-"
"Promise?"
"Yeah. I don't need to know any more about you. I forgive you."
"Forgive me for what?"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out!"
Groaning, realizing that Demyx wasn't going to tell him, Roxas turned and started to leave. Talking to the musician for longer than a minute was enough to give anyone a migraine.
"Remember what I said, okay?" Demyx called as he left. "About doing what you did before? 'Cause if happiness isn't worth taking chances for, then what is?'"
Once Roxas was out of earshot, Demyx started to laugh, relieved he was able to chicken out of it, while at the same time, appearing mysterious and cool.
He has to admit that he hated the kid a little when they first met. But he couldn't hate anyone for long, especially someone like Roxas. It was for such a stupid reason, too. And he'll admit that it was no good reason, seeing as how Roxas wouldn't have been able to do anything about it anyway.
He was being selfish, and he knew it.
Zexion was the driver of the car.
Roxas was alone. It was times like these that he wished he was in his room with the music turned all the way up, drowning out all his thoughts. He didn't want to be alone with them. They were heading towards a direction he wasn't happy with.
"You like him, don't you?"
Roxas could hear Demyx's voice ringing through his head, mocking him. He remembered what Sora said about how all his choices were the result of his own thoughts and no one else's, but having a voice in his head other than his own made him think otherwise.
'I settled this earlier. Human nature, remember?'
"You like him, don't you?" Demyx's voice repeated. It decided it wasn't going to accept that excuse, so Roxas tried a different tactic.
'Like him? That's ridiculous. You don't start liking someone just because they like you back. You need other reasons.'
"You like the way he teases you and the way he's cruel to you."
Anger and irritation started to swell up within him. He couldn't get the damn voice out of his head! It was definitely a persistent voice. It looked like he was going to have a hard time convincing it that it was merely out of curiosity that he had romantic interest in Axel and nothing else.
Which was absolutely crazy. He was dealing with his own imagination! Shouldn't he be able to control his own thoughts?
'I'm no masochist!' he retaliated.
"You like it because it makes it all the more special when he's nice to you. Those rare little random acts of kindness. You love them, don't you?"
'Shut up!'
Roxas could remember his parents telling him that the best thing to do in an argument was to repeat your case over and over. The other person would be able to think of comebacks for all your excuses, and then you'll be cornered. He needed to stand by his case.
"You like the way he doesn't give those random acts of kindness to anyone else because it makes you feel like you're one of a kind. He makes you feel valuable."
He won't admit it. He won't admit that that was true. He won't admit that Axel had ever made him feel that way.
Roxas hated it. He hated the way that Demyx's voice in his head started to morph into his own. He hated the way that it was his voice he was hearing. He could hear himself saying these words and he hated the absolute certainty in them. He hated the way that even his own imagination was betraying him.
"You like the way the two of you argue about what you hate about each other because it's the only way you let the other know what you love about them."
'That's corny!'
Not to mention untrue. They argued because they were mad at each other. There was no underlying meaning behind it all.
But even if it wasn't intentional, you could still figure some things out. Like whenever he said he hated it when Axel stole things from him, he meant that he appreciated it whenever Axel asked for permission first. However, on some statements it wouldn't be as clear. There could be an infinite number of hidden meanings behind their words. They could rule out some, but they'd still have to go to the trouble of finding out the rest.
But with all the arguing they do, is finding out the rest really that difficult?
"You like the way he'd give you that sly little smile when you're done arguing to let you know he was just kidding. That he didn't really mean it."
'Sometimes he does. Sometimes he means those things. I can tell. The smile means that I shouldn't take him seriously. Because he doesn't dwell on my shortcomings like I dwell on his.'
"You like the way you're the only one who knows what that smile means."
'What, you mean like a secret code? Didn't we outgrow those years ago?'
Of course he was the only one who knew what it meant. He was the one who hung out with Axel the most. Even with all the time he spent with him, it was hard to figure it out. Axel was more cryptic than you would originally think. However, that didn't single him out. Anyone who spent as much time with Axel as him would've figured it out, too.
Then again, just the fact that he spent time with Axel at all singled him out.
"You like the way you always tell yourself he's going to screw something up because you're always pleasantly surprised when he doesn't."
'Since when was having low expectations for someone a good thing?'
He can't deny it, however. The pride he would feel whenever Axel exceeded those low, low expectations. Every moment after that, Roxas found his expectations steadily increasing. Low, but increasing. And Axel met them one out of three times, which admittedly, wasn't really that bad.
"You like the way he doesn't screw up sometimes because he always smiles like whatever he did was the best thing in the world. You love his smile, don't you?"
'I wouldn't know. I don't stare at his face, hunting for smiles.'
But sometimes, he does catch one. And when he does, he likes it because it makes Axel seem more human. When he was younger, he saw Axel as something larger than life because he was so much older than him. When Axel smiled, it reminded him of both sides of Axel. The arrogant side he often saw, and that nice side he hardly ever showed, out of some fear that people would think less of him. Love may have been too strong of a word, but it wasn't far from the truth.
"You love it because you know it's mostly aimed at you."
'That's...'
There were so many words for it: ridiculous, corny, something out of a crappy romance novel. But he had another word: true. He doubted Axel never smiled at anyone else, but it was certainly very rare. He rarely smiled at Roxas, but it had happened twice or three times. Twice or three times for him was better than only once for everyone else.
"You like the way he screws up most of the time because you get to clean up the mess he made. You like the way he's hopeless without you. You like the way he needs you."
'Cleaning isn't fun. Especially when you don't get any thanks. And Axel doesn't need me.'
He needs him to get him out of trouble, that was true, but otherwise, he was disposable. But Axel hadn't disposed of him yet, so maybe he needed him more than he thought.
"You like the way you need him because he's always there when no one else is. You like the way he's like a bad, annoying cold that you just can't get rid of, the way he never lets you feel alone."
'Annoying is right. He never leaves me alone, even when I want him to.'
Before he realized it, Roxas was smiling, laughing even, at the memory of Axel annoying him when he was trying to study for a test. He was actually beginning to agree with this voice! Danger! Danger! Primary resistance at a critical low! Get ahold of yourself! Remember what your parents said! Stand by your case!
"You like the way he talks you down. You like the way he tries to make you think he's bigger and better than you. Because whenever he defends and protects you, whenever he lifts you up, you feel ten feet tall."
'When has he ever defended or protected me?'
He could remember many instances. Like that time with Marluxia. Even though that didn't really happen. But if it did, Axel would've helped him anyway. Axel felt... safe. Roxas was smart enough to know Axel could beat the crap out of anyone if he put his mind to it. He was also smart enough to know that sometimes, Axel can't. Those were the times he really felt ten feet tall. The thought that Axel would risk so much for him-even if most of the time, Axel wasn't aware of it-felt safer than an entire hallway of bruised students would. Which, by the way, he had seen before on one of Axel's bad days.
(Danger! Danger!)
"You like him, don't you?"
'That...That might be a little true, actually.'
It was true. Every accusation the voice in his head made was true. And yet, they weren't. Because he would've noticed it earlier. He would've done something about them earlier. If he really felt like that about his relationship with Axel, he shouldn't need a voice in his head telling him so. He stood by his case.
But by now, he even had a hard time convincing himself it wasn't true.
(Danger! Danger! They're starting to win! Keep up your defenses!)
"You like the way he supports you and the way he drags you down. You love the way you hate him. Face it, there's nothing about him you don't like."
'So what if there isn't?'
It took some time for him to realize what he just thought. He had lost an argument against himself! Was there anything more pathetic?
'Did I just admit that I liked Axel?'
Butbutbut... What about physical attraction? While it was an extremely shallow part of having a crush on someone, it was still important in many cases. Sure, he'll admit to once thinking that Axel was attractive in an Axel-ish sort of way, but the thought that usually followed that was one of jealousy.
Butbutbut... He wasn't thinking that now, was he? He didn't have to worry about Axel getting more girls than him, did he?
'I'll admit he's attractive.'
Plus, if the only defense you have against liking someone is physical attraction, you're either really shallow or really in trouble.
(It's over. They beat us. We lost.)
"Well, what are you so scared of then? You already know what he feels about you, so it can't be rejection."
What was he so scared of?
'...Because I'm gonna get hurt. If I really do, ugh... like him,' He shuddered at the thought. 'I'm gonna start regretting not realizing it earlier. Not telling him earlier. And with all that regret, I'm gonna get hurt.'
He couldn't believe it. Was he actually admitting he had a crush on Axel? He tried his hardest, summoning up every excuse he could, but he couldn't think of any. Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Did he have a crush on him this entire time? When he hugged Axel, when he bought him his gift, when he broke up with Namine, was that all out of infatuation? He had a crush on him, and he wasn't even aware of it? Was that why he was so nervous when he wanted to ask him out? Because he really did like him?
But that was... that was so... high school love story! He couldn't possibly be that easily swayed!
He said to himself. "Well, I'm not gonna give him the satisfaction of acting all love-struck around him, that's for sure."
'Causing myself all this unnecessary pain...'
'Oh God, I really am a masochist, aren't I?'
"Nah." his mind said. "You just don't want anyone else getting hurt anymore. But if you get over your fear, no one will get hurt."
"Not even me." he whispered. He had to agree with the voice in his head. After all, it was his own thoughts. Those were his own words.
(Give in.)
(...END OF CHAPTER...)
Author's Notes #2: Zexion! You could view his and Demyx's relationship however you want to. It doesn't have to be romantic if you don't like Zemyx. If you happen to love Zemyx, then make it as romantic as you want! XD It works either way.
Primary resistance at a critical low! Get ahold of yourself!
Yeah. I took those words from the lyrics for The Walk by Imogen Heap. It seemed like the obvious choice at the time.
I don't know, this chapter just seems really boring to me, despite Roxas thinking about Axel. What do you think? (Don't worry, Roxas. You'll get your date soon!)
Please, please, pretty please review! Pleeease...! If you have this story in your favorites or alerts, you must have something to say about it. Just one sentence would be enough to make me happy. Review! I'm begging you!
Oh, and in case you didn't know, snow is another term for cocaine. Just in case.