A/N: So so so so sorry for the delay. I was at another week of art camp and also, I developed a writer's block for the first half of the week. School's starting soon, but I promise this fic will be finished before it does. Thank you for your understanding. Luv you all! 3
Hiccup's POV
Hiccup didn't sleep much that night. (Actually, he didn't sleep at all.) He was laying on his bed, clutching the piece of paper tightly in his hand. A million thoughts echoed through his head and kept bothering him since he had read that letter. He sighed in disbelief. A wave of tiredness rushed through his brain and body but somehow, it was impossible to just let sleep overcome his body. All of the previous day's events seemed to be so far away. It was impossible to imagine that all of that happened in one single day. It was just so sudden, so unexpected, so...unreal. Maybe it was just a dream, Hiccup thought. He tried kicking and pinching himself, wishing that he would suddenly wake up and find Astrid laughing beside him, stroking his hair. But it was clear that he was already wide awake and everything that happened at Drago's cave was very real. Worst of all, she expected to die. It had been a suicide mission.
"Dearest Hiccup,"the letter read. "I will more than likely be dead when you see this. I'm sorry. I just didn't want to make you worried about me. I can fend for myself easily, and don't you forget that. But your safety and for the tribe, I chose to go alone. I hope you'll understand. But knowing you, you won't. I'm so sorry that I did not tell you about what I discovered that day when I was flying Toothless for you. Hiccup, I was so scared what you might do if I told you. And I know you so well that I know that you'll want to go in my place. This time, I am not letting you." A tear slid down Hiccup's cheek, landed on the parchment, blurring the ink. "By the time you read this I do not know whether you obeyed me or not in this matter. Please, Hiccup, I know that you didn't want to see me go. And I never did want to leave you. I will not say that this is good for you because it truly isn't. I thought it was. I knew that Drago was still a threat and if he attacks, he'll target you. And there is nothing I want more in this world than to protect you. But as I write this, I realize that me leaving might harm you. I so sorry Hiccup. But my heart tells me to go, for your sake and the village's. I love you Hiccup. I don't want to leave you. ~Astrid."
Hiccup was still clutching the parchment - now tear stained and smeary- tightly in his hand. His eyelids got heavier and heavier, but he told himself to stay awake. It was almost daybreak now, and he had another day of chief's work to get started. The black sky started slowly turning a shade of blue, and the stars faded from the sky. Still more tears burned from his eyes as he slowly sat up from the bed. How could he possibly not have seen what Astrid was hiding? She had been quiet for a couple of days before she left. Hiccup cursed under his breath and buried his face in his hands. What kind of boyfriend was he? He knew something was wrong. Astrid was almost never as quiet as she was the days before she left. Perhaps he just thought that she was tired after taking care of two dragons since Hiccup was almost always busy. However, if he had pointed anything out, Astrid - being the "alpha" of the two of them - would have turned him down. Hiccup sighed. He chose to go along, only to go in vain. If he hadn't gone after Astrid, she would've died anyway. He groaned in frustration and slammed his hands against the side of the bed. Toothless stirred in his corner and and crept slowly towards Hiccup. Hiccup didn't notice. He yelled again and hit his bed one more time. This time, it wasn't in frustration, but anger. The truth hit Hiccup quick and hard. Before now, Hiccup had blamed Drago, the gods, and even Toothless and the other dragon riders for Astrid's death. Now, he realized that he only has himself to blame. Why was he so selfish? He shook his head as the rage bellowed from his heart and to the rest of his body. He had been so eager to save, eager to straighten things out again. It was just like that time with Drago. He had been so certain that he would succeed that he paid little to no attention to what might go wrong. He had been overly confident, and the horrible price had to be Astrid. He had chose to challenge Drago in a fight just to finish him off himself rather let Toothless kill him when Drago was cornered. That would've prevented the fire from happening, and...Hiccup couldn't think anymore. His head buzzed with guilt. He had been overly confident as usual. How did he not learn his lesson after the first time? The price for that had been Stoick. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Astrid was dead, and he was partly responsible. Toothless crawled next to him and nudged him, but Hiccup ignored it. He stormed over to his desk and heaved a sigh. He studied the carefully drawn diagram lying on it. It was a two-person saddle. Tears were still burning his eyes. He had spent months planning on the perfect design for him and… Astrid. Almost reluctantly, Hiccup brushed his finger against the thick paper and closed his eyes, deep in thought and longing. He had planned to give to saddle to Astrid as an engagement present. After all, an Viking engagement was a very complicated affair. Dowries needed to be exchanged, and there were a number of negotiations to straighten out.
Hiccup had always dreamed of marrying Astrid since...well, forever. For a long time, he had never imagined of the two of them even ending up together. As the viking he was, Hiccup thought that he would end up a bachelor forever. However, things changed and one thing led to another and Hiccup soon went from the biggest disappointment of the town to the most admired viking in probably all of Berk's history. (Hiccup didn't think so, but it was Stoick who kept saying this literally at every dinner table.) He had always looked at Astrid in a "I like you but I'll never get you" way. So when she kissed him that time at the cove, he skipped and sang his way back home. When she kissed him again that time after the Red Death, he didn't eat for two days. On the third day, he was so hungry that he ate non-stop at the mead hall for an hour through. He threw up minutes later.
Hiccup had managed to smile ever so slightly as memories flooded over him. Sadly, the smile did not last long. The memories only invoked Hiccup's guilt. He shuddered as echoes of Astrid's screams began echoing throughout his consciousness again. Driven by something beyond his control, his fingers tightened into a fist, crumpling the design. For some reason, it made him feel better. Rage caused him to tear the paper in two and hurl it at the fire. The sound the flames made sounded like a menacing laugh, as if mocking Hiccup for his failure. Hiccup watched the sides of the parchment curl up and dissolve into ash. Instead of feeling disappointed or sorry at the sight of the burned design, he felt relief. There was no more need for that anyway.
What Hiccup did next was so astonishing and unreal that even he himself was not sure why he did it. When there was nothing left of that sketch but ash and memory, Hiccup kicked his desk in rage, sending papers flying. As each design floated to the floor like giant snowflakes, Hiccup picked up each one and tore it in two. Sobbing as he did so. He did not know if he was crying for Astrid, the destroyed inventions, or his behavior. One by one, he tossed the papers into the fire. The flames leaped and crackled, devouring each like a monster devours its prey. Soon, the desk was completely clear except for Hiccup's map. Slowly, he picked it up and inched towards the fire, whose greedy arms reached towards it full of cruelty and malice.