Windows of the Soul: Part Eleven
Thanks for the reviews, all. A special note to kikyo for raising a fair question. Broadly, my premise rests on the characters being a little OOC to the series because it's set after the end. Whatever optimism the second half of 26 may present, I remain convinced that they'd be marked by the experience. Shizuru turning her violent emotions into weapons of last resort doesn't seem inappropriate to me, but I can also see how it also contradicts her unruffled personality as well. In the end, that may be a necessary evil.
I am a king.
I sat in the garden, sitting green tea and doing nothing while chaos flourished around me, but undoubtedly I was the most important person. That doesn't make me better than anyone else. The king is a fairly weak piece until the endgame. It's simply that if the king is taken, the game ends. And so, in a similar way, I sit and drink tea. My parents taught me that insecure, inferior individuals with pretensions to dignity like to order their servants around, shout and scream and act autocratically. But it takes a person with true authority and strength of character to simply wait without moving; knowing without question than their will is being quietly enacted around them. And in the same way, the best-played chess game barely moves the king at all. That isn't their role.
Kings are very lonely, though, when they watch so many pieces struggling for their sake. That absolute purpose is also an absolute divide.
Of course, I wasn't king, before. I would like to think of myself as a castled rook, one slow to move. I got taken, though, because I was ultimately disposable. That game was badly played. It fell through when another rook took the queen. A pawn also did an unexpected thing. And then checkmate. Or so Natsuki told me, from Mai-chan, who told her. I certainly never heard of a move that lets one bring all one's pieces back from the dead, though. It's a little unbalancing.
Everything would have been a lot… neater, if I had died on that day. But the others probably deserved life. It's also too bad I can't remember what happened to me. Hell? Reincarnation? An eternity as a tortured, wandering kami? Or something else entirely? Sadly, I have no clear memories of that time, implying either oblivion or simply a world that's good at keeping it's own secrets. But whatever faith you subscribe to, there is always something on forgiveness, and something on punishment. That paradox twists the world around, but my feeling is that punishment has the upper hand. To forgive is something special, but hating the sinner as well as the sin is all too human. I understand that, because I am as one with my sins, and they remain.
Sunlight reflected off the pond. Sunlight that recalls a double reflection, the light of the unobtainable moon. Moon for wolf, my lone wolf I cannot reach. And a moon marred with a red star, glowing balefully down on us in the darkness. It truly was in a place like this. That is why I come here so often. I can recall it very clearly.
Yukino. I always understood, that we were alike. But she never saw that in me. It's ironic, for the greatest observer of all the Hime to fail to see anything so fundamental as the beating heart of someone she saw every day, so close in body and in feeling. But without understanding, simply perceiving is meaningless. That was the first of many differences between her and myself.
I always considered her weak. Oh, like me, her feelings were disgusting. She was right to suppress them, I don't doubt that, but she was the kind of person who would not move regardless of her feelings on that. Timid. And I considered her to be very weak indeed. She had no intent to kill. Even her determination to defend Haruka was soft and slow. It was almost an insult to call Kiyohime to finish such a miserable foe. And certainly, the words of someone who was so similar to me, but with such useless determinations, could never reach me. Those were my thoughts, at that time. But there was also a real, visceral hatred in me, all in a moment. Who was she, to stand behind her love and pretend to be so shocked and horrified? What hypocrisy did it take to stand by at Haruka's declaration? Wasn't it simply disgusting to play at the innocent, hopeless friend while concealing so many secrets of body and soul, Hime and heart, the most important person? I lusted to pain her with ten thousand agonies, but had to settle for one.
And in the end, it wasn't Yukino's feelings I was lashing out at, after all.
It's only now that I realise there's no meaning in a rook taking a pawn. But for the pawn, to face down that same rook, knowing failure is as inevitable as the sun rising, there's courage in that.
That was her confession after the Carnival. And truly, no matter how many times it tries, a pawn can't take a rook head on. Some things remain absolute.
"Everything is in order, ojou-sama," Hideko said, standing behind me. "We will be ready to leave tomorrow."
"Ah." I closed my eyes. "Thank you for your hard work."
"No, not at all. Will you be going out today?"
"No," I said, sipping my tea. "I will remain here."
"Is that really okay?" Hideko asked, sounding worried. "We'll have to start early tomorrow, ojou-sama… if you want to say goodbye…"
"I will remain here," I repeated impassively. I tilted my head upwards, looking at the trees. "I don't intend to spend time on unnecessary things."
Really, I could have come up with a better way of putting it. But I was tired and sore and my throat hurt, and it was exactly as I stated. I had too much to think about, too much to conclude in my mind if not in reality. Concluding that accepting inconclusiveness is the best option after all, a hard trick even for me. Even when I suppressed my feelings for Natsuki, it was 'perhaps tomorrow'; such undignified, weak thoughts were always in the back of my mind. Perhaps tomorrow, things would be different. Perhaps tomorrow, her feelings would change. Perhaps tomorrow, the sun would rise in the west and wolves would troop with crows.
The unlikely storm that tomorrow did bring to me was rather unexpected. But it was only the end, in the end, and a new, futile beginning.
Hideko left my presence silently. I took a handkerchief from my sleeve and sneezed into it. This really was getting tedious, after all. And my head ached, to underscore my mood.
What a small, wretched life, in a small, wretched world.
"Ojou-sama, a letter for you has come."
I frowned slightly, ignoring the treacherous motion of my heart. "A letter? Bring it to me."
"Yes, ojou-sama."
The king sat and drank tea, wondering when Natsuki had learned her address. I've always been careful to hide that from her, though if I'm honest she simply has to look it up on the school network. And I was the one who had always encouraged her amateur hacking, of course. That had been another way to trap her, and keep her returning to my side for a while. Like leaving out food for the wolf. I'd gone to very great lengths to do that, without much thought for the consequences, and with much work to deal with afterwards. It's only now that I question whether it was worth the effort, but I won't permit such thoughts. I am not allowed to have regrets, after all this time. Lest I regret my whole life and fall apart or away or simply down, I do not entertain those thoughts. I am I, a sinner, alive.
I sneezed, ruining the thought. Sinners get colds too.
"Here, ojou-sama."
"Thank you." I took the letter without looking round. I really am taking them for granted. I will have to think about some kind of present, for their hard work all these years. If I had more time, I would have worried about it before.
Someone had written 'To Shizuru-chan' on the front. That, combined with unfamiliar handwriting, meant it wasn't from Natsuki. In fact, I had no idea who anything addressed like that could be from. Only Ka-sama and Saaya would ever write that, and it wasn't their handwriting either. Nor was it Reito's, who might perhaps make such a joke. I frowned slightly, incensed at the mystery. And a little disappointed that it wasn't from Natsuki after all.
I opened it delicately and scanned the letter curiously, eyes settling on the name.
Yours truly, Midori Sigiura.
Well, I knew that name. Immature teacher with surprising academic skills and a habit for coming at Orphans with a battleaxe. I'd never seen her fight. In fact, it would be fairer to say that I'd never interacted with her at all. That means she's practically a best friend by my relative Hime-group standards.
I decided to start from the top.
To Shizuru-chan,
How have you been? I've been very busy, or I would have written before. But even writing now, I don't know when this will get to you. The Iranian postal service is terrible.
I hope you're working hard at school, as so many people count on you. Unless school is already over, in which case I hope you enjoy yourself. And if you've started at university, I hope you remember to work as well as drink. University is a wonderful experience, but focus can become an issue. If it's you, though, that's a lie and you'll probably be fine. Just remember that friends are important as grades. Anyone who doesn't leave Uni with at least fifty friends has failed regardless of their marks!
Well, enough of that. You're probably wondering why I'm writing at all, considering we never talked too much. It's too bad, as a strong person like you would have been great in the Hime Rangers. In any case, we're still comrades. I'm writing to all of us, because we should stick together. This world's pretty crazy, so it's the logical thing to do.
And me? I'm doing well. It's tough work out here, but a lot of fun, and I'm learning so much each day. In a general sense and also about that special festival we took part in. For my part, I want to understand it, more than I do now. Are your feelings similar? But I have to know what created all that madness, and what it was for. Understanding is always better than denial, though. And I'm working with a lot of great people, even if it's just an interesting legend to them. Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Things have been kind of awkward every now and then, considering I'm still in love with my professor. He's so much older than I am, you see, so it's awkward. Yoko thinks I'm mad, and she isn't the only one. Most people think it's stupid. A teenage girl like me crushing on an older man, right? I used to think like that myself, but in the end I decided to stop thinking like that and just go for it. I know my own feelings, right, so why should I apologise about them to anyone? Oh, he rejected me, of course, but that's just a technicality. I'm working on him. Love will triumph before this trip is out, mark my words! So expect good news in the next letter.
I doubt you're all that interested in my romance, of course, but cheer for me. I'm cheering for you. That's what a comrade is. And remember to keep smiling and moving forwards, as well. No matter what. If it's you, you're definitely someone who can have an amazing effect on everyone around you, and if you want to do something, you should go and do it. That's what being young is. And look after Natsuki-chan, as well. That's what being old is. We're at the best part of our lives, so let's work hard!
Yours truly,
Midori SigiuraPS: Have you watched any of my Sailor Moon DVDs with Natsuki-chan? It has some good characters you'd like in it.
My first instinct was to tear the letter up and drop it in the pond. It's just too obnoxious, for her to write something so ludicrously casual and cute. She can speak that way, because she was the only noble one of us. Even I know that. But I don't like it thrown in my face as if she sincerely expects someone like me to act like her. Is she stupid? The difference between her burden and my own is too great, however I look at it, just as her love and my own are day and night. I don't want to take this kind of inane nonsense from someone who barely knows me.
But even if that's the case, she still remembers me. That's surprising and surreal in itself. Even if my mind protests, on some level, I'm not unaffected by the gesture. And I also know that I would feel differently, if only I could think like that…
I can't, though. That's impossible.
But it also came today, of all days. I'm not stupid, either. I don't need red glowing stars in the sky to tell me that monsters are bad news, and I don't need to go back far to know I am the biggest monster. And I know when fate or providence or simple luck is faxing me a message with a Haruka-like subtlety and sophistication to it. I fell back, lying on the grass and looking up at the blue sky. The letter crumbled slightly in my right hand. Despite all expectations, it was a clear and beautiful day.
It's nice, to look up at the sky and see the clouds. The jigsaw of blue and white and a shining sun and the shadow of the moon, embraced by my raised hand, caught in between my fingers, an illusion of that unreachable beauty trapped. Just an illusion, but sometimes, illusions are almost good enough. This one says small things about the true and open possibility of the sky. It's not something my hand can truly enclose or embrace.
If I think about it, out of all the Hime and all the Children, only Mai-chan could fly. I think that's pretty telling, all in all.
Oh, and couldn't Shiho-chan, as well? Never mind. I'm not going to let someone like her get in the way of a good metaphor.
The point is that I only saw the ground, and I suppose that aspect of my character hasn't changed. So, what do I see if I look at the sky? You can do anything you want to do, is it? That's a cute delusion to labour under. But if pressed, surely a single inalienable path is a lie as well. So where does that leave me? What do you want, Shizuru Fujino? And I don't know the answer to that question, and I don't know the last time I asked myself that. I forfeited such rights to self-consideration, back then. Now I'm just trying to follow my obligations to various people, while sparing my own feelings selfishly without thinking. So, if not as a commitment, for those reasons, but still, what could I do? What would I do, if I allowed myself the luxury of such a choice?
I don't want to stay. I don't want to leave. My feelings can't be accepted and I don't want them to change. Somehow, however dark they are, however degrading they are, I would not take that love away from me. If I did, I'd lose all remaining justification for my past. But is that my reason? For myself, and for Natsuki, it would better if I did not have those feelings. So, change my usual rules, and deal in hypotheticals, for once. If I'm indulging myself in thought, I might as well go all the way. If I never loved Natsuki, I would not have hurt her so. But without that passion, would I have even been her friend? Without my presence, would she be the same as Nao-chan? And without that love, would I have remained my immature mature self? Detached, smiling, sublimely confident, politely superior and completely apathetic. A life without passion, care, meaning. I wouldn't even be Kaichou-sama. Like that, I wouldn't grow at all. Oh, I could love a man, but would that make a difference? Only complete rejection would challenge that perfect image I had of myself, and even then, I can't imagine the same passion for such feelings. That's my curse, but I've grown, a little. And in the Carnival, without my feelings, Natsuki would be unguarded. Not even Mai-chan was there then, just me. And the First District, as well, would they have supported Reito if I hadn't destroyed them?
If I am going to construct a self-exonerating fantasy, I might as well be thorough about it.
But the weight of my unforgivable sins remain, and everything I did to Natsuki, for that love. I can't run away from that reality, either, not even amidst the clouds. I don't deny my past, nor can I accept my past, and so I am caught between the two, unable to move on. It's not like I'm unaware of that part of me. And I don't relish the future. Simply going elsewhere, and leaving everything behind me. I know. I know that won't work. To be a person amongst many people, with their hopes and dreams and innocence, is almost more than I can bear in thought alone. I am too different, now, too distant, now, from anything that you could call an ordinary girl. I have seen the true human nature, witnessed my own true nature, and after standing naked in the storm I can't just don the convenient clothes and pretences of civilisation so easily. Oh, I can adopt the form. I can smile and wave and nod and pretend, and I'm sure I'd have friends. But I can now see a little more clearly, so that I can't hide myself from myself any more, and it is that distance, that exhausting separation, that will slowly suffocate me. Even if it's me, I can't accept such a future happily. I hate my future and I hate my past, and the present isn't happy either.
Roped, chained, sealed by those characteristics, I can't move at all, while life continues around me. I am a king, after all, and I'm nothing if not self-aware.
So what are you going to do, Shizuru-Hime? Aren't you the most apt, ever-beautiful girl who can do anything she wants to do? That's what you told them, all those years.
I sneezed. The aragami must be whispering again.
"Ojou-sama?" Hideko asked blankly, looking down at me.
I looked up at her, glad she wore a very long kimono. But really, if it's me, being caught lying down like this is rather embarrassing. I didn't move, though. Confidence is never admitting you've been caught doing something wrong for your character. "Yes, Hideko-san?"
"Uh, nothing," Hideko said hastily, composing herself. "But we were planning on taking everything non-essential out of your room now. If you have any specific instructions, you can go."
I closed my eyes briefly, trying to remember. There wasn't really anything, in particular. A few photos, but nothing I needed to hide. I am very dull like that. "No. Please go on ahead," I instructed, trying to look as dignified as possible.
"Yes, ojou-sama." Hideko bowed slightly and made to withdraw then stopped for a moment. "Who was the letter from? A friend?"
I raised my eyebrows at that, pausing briefly and looking at the letter clutched in my hand. "Not a friend, not as such, no. Probably… comrade, is the best way to put it, after all." I gave up on stubbornness and sat up, brushing myself off. "Though if it's giving that woman credit, it doesn't make me very happy."
Hideko looked puzzled then nodded. "I hope there wasn't anything in it that troubled you."
"No." I shook my head elegantly, folding my legs into seiza and slipping the crumbled letter into my kimono. "It was even a little encouraging. On second thoughts, please leave my writing desk untouched for now. I have a letter to write."
"Yes, ojou-sama." She sounded happy, a thought that disturbed me.
I have never understood why people love kings, after all. But perhaps there can be more sympathy for a foolish teenage girl.
"Hey, you know," I began, leaning on the wall and sighing. "Just why am I here, anyway? You can take care of it, right?"
"Oh, don't say that," Kanzaki returned, smiling innocently. "Mikoto is happy enough, but I need some intelligent conversation from time to time, too."
"Oh? Is that so?" I asked, disinterest plain in my voice. About fifteen meters away, Mikoto was pushing Shiho on the swings, up and down, up and down…
He chuckled, standing next to me and following my gaze. "Besides, I've wanted to have a talk with you specifically for a little while now. Now more than ever, when I've heard from Takeda-kun."
"Huh?" I glanced at him, startled, then narrowed my eyes. "Hey, Kanzaki, don't misunderstand… I said some things back there to try and soften the blow, but-"
"Hmm?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "Was there something to misunderstand?"
I cursed all slimy bastards to a sticky hell-pit. "Not really," I said more calmly, looking away. "But I had to spell it out for him. That's all."
"Well, he wasn't bitter," Kanzaki said casually. "He says he understood, and that he'd already known anyway. I don't know whether or not that was simply tough talk, but he won't be scarred by the experience. Takeda-kun is quite strong, after all."
"You think?" Now Shiho was making some kind of complaint, but Mikoto wasn't listening.
"I know that," he returned amicably, smiling at me. "This is something a man knows about other men."
"Ha."
"And Fujino-san? Is she well?"
I glanced at him again, only to find sharp eyes on me. "Her?" I said shortly. "Shizuru is Shizuru. She hasn't changed."
"Is that so?" Kanzaki imitated, leaning forwards slightly. "I wonder. Well, it does worry me, when I haven't seen her since Monday."
"She's fine," I repeated.
"Is it true she's going home tomorrow?"
I stared at him. "Where did you hear that?"
"I didn't. I just saw removal vans at Fujino-san's house." Kanzaki chuckled at my expression. "I was right? A lucky guess, I'm afraid. Fujino-san is very inscrutable, she doesn't keep me or anyone else informed. I'm glad you know as well, though. I can tell."
"It doesn't make a big difference," I said shortly. "It can't be helped."
"Hmm?" He frowned, scratching his cheek thoughtfully. "I suppose so. But I will miss her; she was always an interesting presence. And it will be tough for you as well, right?"
I shrugged. "Not really. I can manage."
He chuckled. "As ever, you enjoy understating things. I'm just worried that she's being abrupt again. If you want to, I can have a word with her."
"What does it have to do with me?" I asked irritably, not meeting his eyes.
You're not my friend, Kanzaki. I don't even know whether she's my friend, any more.
"She's your most important person."
I returned his gaze. Yes, the colour was wrong, a weak, soft shadow, pinkish-brown tinge. Those weren't the eyes that would drown the world in blood. But his soft smile and his piercing gaze in that moment were exactly the same as hers.
"That's a nostalgic expression," I said ambiguously. More things stolen from Shizuru.
"Well, I hope you two haven't had a row. Even after everything, I had hoped that you two would get on. Just that would mean the world to Fujino-san."
"Don't talk about us as if you understand," I said irritably.
"For your part, as well, you don't have the fire and ice of your normal self. Even as a casual observer, I can't help but worry." He shrugged easily. "Well, that's just my role and my concern, that's all," he remarked, turning away. "I'm an observer now."
There was a thread there, but I didn't feel like pulling it. "Stalker is closer to the truth," I said half-heartedly. "But don't worry about her. She'll be fine." And that was a weak statement, as well. I wish I could find the conviction of my voice.
Kanzaki frowned. "But you know, I'm worried about Shiho-chan."
"Huh?" I blinked and followed his gaze. Now she'd jumped off the swing and was arguing loudly with a playful Mikoto. "She looks fine to me," I said bluntly.
"Oh, at first glance, like this," Kanzaki agreed. "But there are still aspects that make me concerned. She cut her hair short, for example."
I rolled my eyes. "You mean someone finally told her that having giant sausages springing from your head isn't a good look?"
He shrugged and shook his head. "Perhaps. But hair is an important symbol, as well. It's a matter of self-image, after all. Mai-san is a straight-forwards girl. Mikoto is an untidy girl. Yukino-san is a neat girl." He glanced at me. "Natsuki-san is a beautiful girl. Shizuru-san is an elegant girl."
I rolled my eyes. "Are you trying to hit on me?"
"I'm just making an observation. But the point stands. A haircut is a break from the past, in a way."
"Sometimes a haircut is just a haircut."
"Well, that's certainly true, so just put it down to a simple feeling of mine." Kanzaki leaned forwards, sighing. "She still worries me, all the same. And I do feel sorry for her. Even if you can understand the circumstances, and why things have to be this way, rejection is never a pleasant experience. And it is worse for Shiho-chan, as Tate-kun isn't just a boy to her. He is her best friend, her companion, the only family she has left, and her reason to be. You cannot simply process that loss overnight. At that time, it's easy to get lost in melancholy thoughts."
"You sure speak with a lot of authority," I said dryly. "Broken heart, Kanzaki?"
He shook his head. "For my part, I have no one like that. So I can't begin to imagine those feelings." He smiled wryly. "But I am an observer, after all. I have seen it happen from several different people."
"Well, it's as you say, isn't it?" I said, glancing at the girls playing. "It can't be helped. Sometimes things just turn out that way. Bad end. This isn't some crappy porno game, after all."
"I understand that. But understanding does not stop me from feeling her pain."
I shrugged. "She seems happy enough."
"You're right, of course. That's because of Mikoto." Kanzaki abruptly turned, leaning against the wall and looking up at the sky. "In that pain, there's still a friend who will stand by her. And with her guilt, which is exclusively hers, a burden of memory that only that game could put on her shoulders… it takes someone who also came through that hell to reach her and forgive her. That is how the story should go."
He was surprisingly introspective. Once again, I thought of her, and found I couldn't form precise words. So I said nothing, instead.
"That's why," Kanzaki said emotionally, then he stopped abruptly. "Never mind. It isn't important."
We were awkwardly, contemplatively silent for a few moments. I was thinking myself, and wondering whether to believe in those words. But a glance told me that not even Shizuru or Kanzaki could ever imitate their own infinitely thoughtful, regretful expressions in moments such as this. And not just them. I think, at one point or another, we've all held that gaze in our eyes. I know I have, searching for answers and dwelling on sorrows. We stroke our wounds, babying the blood. It's a very human thing to do.
"But this conversation reminds me," Kanzaki said abruptly. "Did you, perhaps, receive a letter from Midori-sensei?"
"Ah. Yeah," I said cautiously. "Where does she find the time?"
"I'm not sure. She is a very good person," Kanzaki said sincerely. "And sending me one as well… I was surprised."
"Wait, she wrote to you?" I asked sharply. "Weren't you, like, her arch-enemy or something?"
A heartbeat pause, then a simple nod and a smile. "That's why I'm surprised." He held my gaze without flinching, and I looked away.
"Sorry," I muttered.
"No, not at all." Reito stuck his hands in his pockets, looking away. "It just touched me, that was all. I suppose it isn't important."
"Yeah," I said grudgingly. "Me too."
"Hey, ani-sama!" Mikoto shouted, waving at us. "Come play! Natsuki too!"
Kanzaki smiled at his sister. "In a minute, Mikoto. I'll be right there." He made an amused noise and turned to me again. "But to change the subject abruptly, I'd like to ask two selfish favours of you." He smirked when I gave him a cynical glance. "Well, you don't have to accept. Just hear me out."
I folded my arms, glaring at him. "What?"
"Please look after Shizuru. For my sake, as well." He faced me, eyes serious, arms by his side. "Even if I have good intentions, I can't do anything with her as she right now. No, if I was to put my instinct to words, you're the only one who can reach her as she is right now." He put his hands on my shoulder, staring into my eyes. "That's why- for her, for me, for everyone else as well- we're counting on you. Please."
"Well, that's… even if you say that…" I turned my head away awkwardly. His hands were heavy on my shoulders. And then I remembered. I faced him, grabbing one of his arms and smoothing my face. "Okay. I understand."
What I was remembering, was everything, and who I am. I'm someone who fights to the last without regrets. I shouldn't need this guy to remind me of that.
"Thank you. That's more like Natsuki-Hime." Reito smiled and released me, stepping promptly away. "Oh, but please don't mention this conversation to Fujino-san. I would never live it down."
"Hey, do you think I'm stupid?" I asked.
He laughed. "Well, quite. In any case, shall we go?"
I stood my ground. "Hey, Kanzaki, what was the second favour?"
"Oh, that?" He smiled wanly at me. "Please call me Reito."
"Is that all?" I blinked and sighed, defeated by that teasing smile. "Fine,Reito. If you insist. But I'm leaving the squirts to you. You take care of them."
"Hmm? Going somewhere?" Reito asked, with an annoying expression on his face. Like he already knew the answer.
I snorted, turning away with my hair billowing about me. I don't like that kind of smile, from him or her alike. "Just to write a letter. That's all."