Chapter Eleven

Tuesday, October 2nd 2007 – 26 weeks

"Guys, I can't. I'm sorry." Tony said into his phone, keeping his voice low. He stood looking out of the window across the Navy Yard.

"Aw, come on, man! You've been busy for the past five games! What is it? You got an injury at work or something? We can't keep having you bail out on us!"

"I really am sorry, it's just kind of complicated. I really wish I could be there."

"Well why can't you?!"

"I…it's not something that's easy to explain." He bit his lip as Ziva walked over, standing in front of him and leaning against the glass. Who is it? She mouthed and he just shook his head. She glared and reached up, plucking the phone out of his hand and putting it to her ear.

"Who is this?"

"Er, Tom…who's this?"

Her sudden flare of jealousy faded, replaced with curiosity. "Ziva. What do you want with Tony?"

"I want him to come to the game tonight. He's missed the last five." She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows.

"Games of what?"

"Basketball. Look, not meaning to be rude, but who are you?"

"Ziva. Why has he missed the past five games?"

"I've got no idea! Up until four months ago he hadn't missed a single game or practice, and then all of a sudden he calls me up and says he's busy, and he's been busy ever since. Look, we just want to know that he's okay, he's not ill or anything."

"Tony is not ill. Although, I do not think he will be able to use most of his fingers for a long time if I get my hands on him." She growled and he looked down guiltily. "He will be there tonight. Do not worry. I will make sure of it."

"Great. He will have full use of all of his fingers though, won't he? I mean, we kinda need that."

"Then I will not break his fingers until after the game." She snapped the mobile shut and passed it back, a stern look on her face. "I told you not to let your life stop because of me and you promised that it would not. You promised that you had nothing better to be doing than 'looking after me', which you know that I do not need."

"I would rather be looking after you than playing basketball." He shrugged meekly.

"You lied to me!"

"No, I didn't. I didn't." He held a finger up to explain himself. "My life didn't stop. You're more important than basketball. Let me cancel."

"No." She stood her ground. "You will go and play basketball tonight. If I need anything I will call Abby or Gibbs."

Tony grumbled as she marched over to her desk before his face lit up. "Come with me."

Ziva laughed. "I do not think I will be very good at playing basketball in the state that I am, Tony."

"No, come watch. If I have to play, you have to come with me." He sat down opposite her and grinned.

"Okay." She nodded. He would have to admit that he had expected slightly more protesting.

"Right, well, we'll need to be there for seven. It might be a late night, but I'll ask Gibbs if he doesn't mind a slightly later start tomorrow so you can sleep in."

"Tony, you do not need to cuddle me."

"Everyone needs a little cuddle sometimes, Sweetcheeks." He winked at her and she frowned. "You don't want to be coddled."

"I wish to be neither cuddled, nor coddled." She shook her head, turning back to the cold case she was typing up. Although, her mind thought, a little cuddle would not go amiss.

Oh, shut up. Stop being so…soppy. You sound like one of his skirts.

I wish I were.

No, you do not. You are Ziva David. You do not need him.

"You okay? You're staring at me." Tony said, making her jump.

"Fine. Just fine."

"Just fine? You sure you don't want that cuddle?" Please say you want the cuddle.

"I am sure, Tony." She rolled her eyes and turned back to her screen, ignoring him as he tried to persuade her to have a hug.

"You just have to sit up there and cheer when I get a ball through the hoop. Or when anyone from my team does." He smiled at her. "If you need anything then you can come down. I'll stop playing if you need."

"No, that is not fair. I will not need anything. Except maybe the head. Where do I go when I need the bathroom?"

"Er…just through those doors and down the corridor. Now, this isn't the sort of place where you can just walk into the men's room and no-one will bat an eyelid." He joked and she hit him round the back of the head.

"Gibbs has the elevator, why am I not allowed a conference room of my own?" She pouted.

"Because you're not supposed to be in there!" He cried. "I need to go and get changed. You gonna be okay here?"

"I will be fine. Go. Go!" She laughed when he would not leave. "Go, Tony!" She shook her head and walked up the tiered seating, perching herself on the furthest end of one of the benches.

"Hi. You're here with Tony?" A woman sat behind her leaned forwards and looked at her curiously.

"Yes."

"So you and he are…"

"Friends." She interrupted.

"Oh. Right. It's just that your pregnant and…"

"The baby is not Tony's. He is just a friend. We work together."

"Oh. See, he never brings anyone along. All the other guys, they always bring their girlfriends or their wives, but not Tony. You know, I've never seen him with a woman before. I always had a suspicion he might be gay."

Ziva chuckled and shook her head. "Tony is definitely not gay. Trust me."

"So you and he have…"

"No…I mean, we have, but we are not…it is very complicated…Tony and I spend much of our time together…no, Tony is not gay." She was interested in the fact that Tony didn't seem to flaunt his womanising characteristics here.

"I'm Kathy." She stuck her hand out and Ziva accepted.

"Ziva."

"Do you know where he's been for the last couple of months? He hasn't been here and we were all getting kinda worried. The guys are like a group of brothers, and for Tony to not tell them…" She did not seem to be a fan of finishing sentences.

"I am afraid he has been looking after me. I keep telling him that I do not need him to look after me, but he insists." She sighed, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "He is good like that."

"You're sure you're nothing more than friends?"

"Yes." Ziva nodded and bit her lip.

"You don't sound convinced." The woman was tenacious.

Ziva ran her hand through her loose curls and snorted quietly. "Maybe that is because I do not want to be convinced."

"I don't follow."

"Me either." She shook her head. "A few weeks ago, he and I slept together and it is all so confusing. I do not know what his intentions are." She watched as Tony came back, changed into his kit, and started warming up with the rest of the team, smiling when he looked up at her.

"Do you…have feelings for him?"

"What? No!" She shifted uncomfortably, blushing slightly. Where was her Mossad training when she needed it?

"You do, don't you?" Kathy grinned and climbed over the bench so she was sat next to her.

"No, no I…" She shook her head. Her face fell when she looked at Kathy and realised she was not fooling anybody.

"How long have you felt that way about him?" The woman questioned sympathetically.

"I do not know. There has been this…connection between us, you know, since we met, and there had always been this tension, but… A year or so ago, our boss, he left us, left Tony in charge, and we grew close. I think…I think that it was when it started. I mean, I do not really recall, but we were spending so much time together, more time than I had ever spent with anybody else, and I really thought, you know, we were getting somewhere, but then…we both had work and he especially so…and every second I was around him it was more painful than the last, because these feelings, they were growing stronger, but he was fading from me at the same rate, falling in love with another woman, and no matter how hard I tried, he never saw me." She stroked the side of her bump, looking down at her stomach with a thoughtful expression. "And then one night I could not take it any longer and I was drunk and I met Matthew, and this happened." She placed a hand on her round stomach and sighed. "And Matthew was killed, and then Tony practically moved in with me and then we slept together and I do not know what he thinks about it and I expect nothing of him, because I do not deserve him and…" She rubbed her temples and sighed. "It is a mess."

"I don't think it sounds so bad. I've heard worse. I mean, there's always someone with a relationship more complicated or more messed up than your own, even if it doesn't feel like it." Kathy smiled at her, a kind, wide smile. She had dead-straight auburn hair and pale skin flecked with thousands of freckles. Her eyes were bright and Ziva felt that when she looked into them, everything was being brought out into the open, whether she wanted it to or not. "Have you spoken to him about it?"

"No. It is not something that is easy to talk about."

"I can see that." Her new friend nodded. "But I still think you should. He needs to hear how you feel and he needs to know what you want. Even if he doesn't want the same thing, you still need to tell him."

"I do not…no, I cannot." She shook her head. "No. No, no."

Kathy sighed and shook her head. "Can't because you're scared?"

"I am not scared of Anthony DiNozzo." She looked at the frown on the redhead's face. "What?"

"I believe you. I don't think you're scared of Tony, but I think you are scared. You're scared of everything that could go wrong. You don't know what will happen if you talk to him, and that scares you – even if something good could happen."

"Could." She interrupted. "Or could not."

Kathy watched as the men started playing, cheering when her husband, Tom, managed to score. Ziva joined in, surprising herself by finding she was enjoying herself. "Life's all about taking risks."

"But there are some risks which are not worth it."

"Oh, I don't know. Think about how happy you'll be."

"And think about how much it will hurt me when he realises that he does not want me."

"I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt you."

"So you are saying he would stick around even if he is unhappy just so he will not hurt me?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that he would never do anything to hurt you. Sticking around when he did not want to would hurt you, and I think he knows that. Besides, he's stuck by you for this long." Ziva looked down and sighed, not wanting to have to admit that the woman sat next to her was correct.

"So, you're sleeping together, but the kid's not yours?" Isaac raised his eyebrows. "I'm confused."

"Yeah, well, you never could understand meaningful relationships." Tom sniggered as they all changed in the changing rooms after winning. "Your longest relationship lasted five hours."

"Hey, that's unfair! It was five and a half hours, and it was her who ended it!"

"That's because you know nothing about women!" One of the other men called out.

"I'll have you know that I am very wise on the subject of women. I know what they like, and what they really, really like." He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned.

"And they really, really like you." All the men chorused, accompanied with eye-rolls, having heard the speech before.

"We had sex once, guys. That's not sleeping together."

"You said you were sleeping together."

"No, I said we slept together."

"I'm certain you said sleep."

"Yeah, sleep as in closing ones eyes and letting darkness take over."

"I think I'm even more confused." Isaac murmured and shook his head.

"You're not the only one." Someone else muttered.

"Look, she's my best friend. We spend the night together – it means she's got someone there if she needs someone. Besides, she's an amazing cook, how else am I supposed to get a good dinner every night." He shrugged, trying to deflect all of the questions and knowing that it was as futile as resistance.

"So, why've we never heard about her, Tony?"

"A more pressing question is why've we never met her? I mean, you've known her for, what, three years? We expect an introduction to any good-looking women you meet, so why have I not been introduced?" Isaac feigned offence.

"Because I know you all, and I know that Isaac would either offend her or try and get her into bed immediately." Tony said as he folded his kit into his bag. One of the other guys, James, grabbed his wrist and laughed.

"Hey, she's even got him folding his clothes!"

"I've always folded my clothes!" Tony protested, staring confusedly at the neat square of fabric in his hand.

"Dude, you've never folded your clothes. She's converted you – you're as good as married!" Tom laughed, clamping his hand over his shoulder.

"This is exactly why you've never met her. She's just my friend, and she doesn't look at me in that way, so if you could keep the marriage talk to a minimum, that would be great. I don't want you guys to ruin it."

All the men grew serious. "She doesn't look at you like that, but do you look at her like that?"

He bit his lip, scratching the side of his nose with his finger. "Yeah."

"Then tell her."

"I tried. I tried, and I failed."

"Try again. Keep trying, Tony." Isaac said. "If I had that chance, do you think I'd really stick with one night stands and five hour long relationships?" Tony sighed and sat down on the bench that lined the wall of the tiled room. "Look, I still don't understand what it is you have with her, and to be honest I don't think I ever will, but even I can see that it's not enough. You want more with her, and no matter what you think, I reckon she wants more too."

"No offence, but I don't think I'm desperate enough to be taking advise from you on women, Isaac." He shook his head and stood up, grabbing his bag. "I'll figure it out, okay. Just…don't spread all your gossip about Ziva, she's worth more than that."

"Wait, you're not coming to the after-game drink?"

"Ziva's six months pregnant. That means no alcohol." He shrugged as he left the room. "I'll see you next week."

"Aww, our little boy's growing up." Tom laughed before turning back to his own bag and making certain it was all folded neatly so Kathy could not complain.

"You played very well tonight, Tony." Ziva smiled, almost shyly, as she unlocked her front door and looked up through her lashes at Tony who was lounging against the wall of the corridor.

"Why, thank you." He grinned at the compliment, giving a small bow. "You looked like you were getting on with Kathy and the other women." They walked into her apartment and flicked the lights on.

"Well, they all had a lot to say about you." She smirked as he paled slightly.

"Oh, dear God, what poison have they put into your mind? Don't listen to any of it, it's all lies."

"Actually, they were all very flattering." She shrugged as he walked into the kitchen, loading his kit into the washer. "Although, there was one thing that I found…curious." She called through.

"What?" His voice went squeaky out of what could only be described as nervousness.

"Well, they all say that you have never, until today, taken a woman to your games. Apparently you do not even talk about women."

"Well, I don't want to be giving the guys all my dating secrets, do I?" He grinned, poking his head into the living room to where Ziva was finishing folding a pile of washing, and winked before turning away again. "No, there's only one woman who's worth telling people about, and you have to meet her to really get how amazing she is. I guess now they've met you, I can tell them about you."

She stopped what she was doing, freezing in the middle of folding one of his shirts. "Well, I do not think I am worth mentioning to them."

"You're the only one who's ever been worth mentioning." He said quietly, so quietly that even straining to hear she was certain that she had imagined him saying it. And because she was uncertain, she stayed silent as she finished folding. She rubbed circles on the side of her stomach and pinched the bridge of her nose with her other hand. "Hey, you okay?"

"Hm? Yes. Fine." She nodded, picking up the neat pile of laundry.

"Here, let me take that."

"No, I am fine."

"Ziva, please. Let me." He carefully removed them from her hands and walked through to the bedroom, putting all of the clothes away without needing to be prompted.

She leaned against the doorframe and watched him. "Why are you doing this, Tony?"

"What do you mean? I'm putting the laundry away because it needs to be put away."

"Why are you staying with me?" He looked up at her and she refused to meet his eyes.

"We've been through this. You know why I'm here." He stared at her. "I'm here because I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't want to be around anyone else." He made it across the room to her in two steps, tilting her chin up so she was looking at him. Her whole expression was filled with sorrow.

"You should find someone who actually deserves you, Tony." A sad smile tugged at the corner of her lips and she turned away, stopping when Tony caught her forearm, pulling her gently to face him and looping his arm around her waist. He brushed his lips lightly across hers before leaning his forehead on hers and shaking his head slightly. "I don't want anyone else. I couldn't care less whether you think you deserve me or not – it means nothing to me. All that matters is that you feel the same way about me as I do about you. Do you?" He had been stroking her cheekbone with his thumb throughout his speech and now his movement ceased so he could brush a tear from the corner of her eye. Her nod was so subtle that he did not think he would have known her response had his forehead not been pressed against hers. "I want to spend my life with you, Ziva. Do you understand that?"

"Yes, but…" She pulled away from him. "Gibbs will not be happy."

"Do you think I would still have a head for him to slap if he was unhappy?"

"I…what about rule twelve?"

"Doesn't apply." He shrugged as her brow furrowed. "Do you…do you want the same thing, Ziva? Because if not then I will never bring it up again, but if you do then please stop making excuses."

She shook her head. "You have the worst timing, DiNozzo." Her voice was choked up as she tried to distance herself with the use of his surname.

"I know. I always have."

"Why could you not have told me this a year ago? Before...before Matthew and before the baby, Tony?" Tears sparkled in her eyes.

"You know why I couldn't, but I wanted to. Every day, I wanted to." His words were quiet, and she looked into his eyes, seeing what truth she could find in them.

"Romance between co-workers, it never works."

"Does any romance ever work? Really work? I don't think so. You need something there, something…difficult to work through, else it's just boring." A ghost of the usual DiNozzo grin tugged at his mouth. "And God knows we have enough excitement in our lives. And I think it really would just be a whole lot less effort if we combined that life, make it one big life of excitement. I think that would make more sense."

"No, Tony. What if it does not work, if we do not work? I cannot put myself in that position. I cannot put my baby in that position."

"But it will work. I'll make it work. Please, just let us try?"

"It is too big of a risk."

"So's life, Ziva. Everything's a risk, you just have to be brave enough to take it." He clasped her hands in his, pleading with her. "Be brave, Ziva. Please?"

"And when it goes wrong? When we break up? What then?"

"I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not letting go of you once I have you, Ziva. Do you understand me? We're always going to have difficulties, and there are always going to be fights, but there are already, and we're just going to have to work through them, the same as we already do now."

"I do not know, Tony. It…" She struggled to control the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she leant forwards, burying her face in his chest and wrapping her arms around him as he tenderly caressed her back.

"I shouldn't have pushed you. I'm sorry." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, holding her as close as possible in a careful embrace as she cried.

"No, it is I who am sorry, Tony." She sniffed, pulling away and swiping her eyes dry. "You are right, we need to talk about this."

"No, not tonight. Not if you don't want to." He watched as she closed her eyes, waiting for the chocolate orbs to look back up at him. When they did he felt his heart break at the mix of emotions in them.

"We need to talk about this." She took his hand cautiously and led him away from the doorway where they had been standing, over to the bed. She sat down, cross-legged atop the duvet, and he sat opposite, mirroring her, their knees touching.

"It doesn't matter, Ziva. I can forget these feelings." He tried to smile confidently at her, taking both her hands in his and holding them together.

"Feelings do not just go away. They only get more and more intense as the pressure builds. And they become heavy and a burden, and we have to live with them, along with added things like jealousy and aloneness. If you truly have these feelings, then they will not just go away."

"Yeah, well, they'll have to, won't they? Ziva, I do not want to ruin anything. I like what we have now. If that's all I'm allowed, then I am fine with that. I'll take what I can get."

"It is not healthy, living like that. Not for either of us." She looked down at their entwined hands, wondering whether if their hands were not so compatible, if they did not feel so comfortable with their fingers tangled together, then their attraction would not be so strong, the force that bound them together less powerful than the magnets used in the Maglev trains. "Tony, I need you to understand why I am saying no." She inhaled and looked up at him. "I am saying no because I do not want to waste you, Tony. No matter how much I feel for you, you deserve someone better than me. And I cannot risk myself. You…I do not believe you would make a mess of a relationship, but I would. I would butcher it like I butcher idioms, and I do not want to hurt you like that."

"What if I had faith in you?"

"I would say you are a fool."

"I think we all knew that a long time ago, though."

"You are not a fool, Tony. You are a good, kind man. You are loving and caring and funny and gentle." She closed her eyes, resisting the temptation to reach up and run her fingers down his jawbone. "And I do not know why someone like you would ever want to be with someone like me. I am a killer. I have taken so many lives, Tony."

"But you are still good. If you weren't then Gibbs would have kicked you to the curb years ago."

"No. He would have sent me back to Israel."

"Well, we should be glad he saw the good in you then." Tony smiled, tilting her chin up and studying her face. "Very glad indeed." He brushed his thumb along her lips, hesitating slightly and giving her time to pull away if she wanted as he placed a feather-light kiss upon her pink lips.

She rested her head in the crook of his neck, shaking it slightly. "What are we doing, Tony?"

"We're taking life as it comes. Making our own way through."

"I like the sound of that." She whispered softly. "Can we just…take it slow?"

"We can go at our own pace."

"Tony?"

"Ziva?"

"How is this going to work? We are not going to be a normal family."

"We don't have to conform to any stereotypes, anyone's idea of perfect. We're our own perfect. We can create our own definition of family."

"I think we already have."

"Besides," he twirled a strand of hair in his fingers. "Who want's normal anyway?"

"Certainly not me." She said sleepily as she shifted so she was leaning into his side, her eyes drooping closed. He smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and moving so they were laying down together.

"However, just to set the record straight – you definitely deserve someone better than me more than I deserve you."

I was watching an NBA Basketball game between the Portland Trail Blazers and the Golden State Warriors on the television of the pub I was at when I wrote this. I had never seen a basketball game before and I must admit that it was very interesting.

The start of the conversation in the men's locker room was actually inspired by a lot of the conversations between the group of friends I spend the most time with, all men. I am generally an honorary man when I am with them for those conversations, seeing as they have all been a group of friends for quite a while, and I am the only woman to have ever been accepted into their "club", as they call it, and I told them that just because I do not have a Y chromosome, I do not see why I should be excluded from their gossip. They honestly gossip more than I remember my mother doing at her coffee mornings when I was younger.