11

Telling Cragen

October 13

The elevator doors opened. Olivia hesitated and took a deep breath. Elliot placed his hand on her arm supportively and she welcomed his touch. She suddenly felt light-headed and her legs began to feel shaky. Elliot, observant as ever, immediately placed his arm around her, supporting her as they stepped out of the elevator. She immediately regained her composure and shook him off.

"Elliot, everyone will see," she whispered, embarrassed.

"I don't care," he replied. "What does it matter what people think?"

"I just…"

"It's OK Liv. I understand." He did. He wished she was less self-conscious about showing her feelings towards him though. Everyone in the precinct knew how much she and Elliot cared for each other. She wasn't fooling anyone, whatever she may think.

Then she surprised him by suddenly placing her hand on his arm, evidently changing her mind and allowing him to support her as they walked through to Cragen's office. There was barely anyone in the office. No one Elliot recognised anyway. He guessed Munch and Fin and the others were out in the field or something. It was probably for the best. They would be beyond intrigued if they saw Elliot walking in with Olivia like this. Even though he was more preoccupied with offering Olivia support than anything else, he did understand why she had no wish to become the main subject of the precinct gossip mill.

They knocked on the door and were met with a curt, "Come in." Slowly, nervously Olivia pushed the door open and she stepped inside with Elliot immediately behind her, one arm placed supportively on her back. Cragen was seated behind his desk, a mountain of paperwork in front of him and a frown on his face.

"Oh you're here already!" he said, waving at them as an invitation to sit down. Olivia gladly sank into the chair, relieved that she no longer had to concentrate on keeping her legs steady. She looked down at the floor nervously. She had no idea how she was going to start this conversation. Elliot sank into the chair next to her.

Cragen finally seemed to read the atmosphere and realised that something serious had obviously happened. He glanced at Elliot and what he saw in his ex-detective's eyes suddenly sent a wave of anticipation through him. What on earth had happened? It was obviously something serious. He looked at Olivia who had her head lowered. She seemed generally subdued.

"Liv?" he said gently, questioningly.

She looked up and he immediately saw the bruising on her neck, creeping out from above her top.

"What happened?" he asked, a knot forming in his stomach.

Olivia was silent. She couldn't find the right words and was struggling to hold back her tears.

"Elliot?" he asked.

Elliot squeezed Olivia's arm supportively. "Do you want me to tell him?" he asked.

"Tell me what?" Cragen was starting to get impatient. He took a deep breath. Badgering Olivia was not going to help. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware that his approach had subconsciously shifted. He had no doubt that she was not here as a detective today. He was terrified to hear what had happened: he feared the worst now. He had been in this job way too long and had seen way too much. He would recognise that broken expression on her face and the distant pained expression in her eyes anywhere. He wished he could pour himself a drink right now. If ever he had needed one, now was the time. His cravings never truly left him. He hoped he could still control them after hearing what Olivia had to say. He was really fond of her, loved her even, in a fatherly fashion. This couldn't be happening. What was wrong with the world?

"Captain, I," she began. Then she paused, trying to find the words and the courage to say them. "I was raped." She settled for the blunt truth. There was no nice way of putting it anyway. It was a violent assault. No amount of sugar-coating and word-play would take away the fact that she had been pinned against a wall and violated at knife point, all the while convinced she was about to die. Olivia leant forward burying her head in her hands. She hated telling him. She knew how upset he would be. She hated being the cause of his distress and she couldn't look at him now.

"Oh, Liv…" It was all that the Captain was able to say. He had been imagining the worst, but he hadn't expected to actually hear such terrible words from her mouth. It was devastating.

"Captain, there's more," Elliot said. "It happened here, on Friday night, in the crib."

"Here?" repeated the Captain incredulous. How was that even possible?

"She knew him, Captain. It was Pat Miller."

"What?" the shock on the Captain's face was indescribable: a mix of horror, disbelief, sadness, repulsion, even a slight hint of guilt. This was his department after all. He was responsible for his staff and their safety and if what Elliot was saying was true he had failed one of his detectives miserably. This news certainly explained Elliot's cold reaction to Pat's death on the phone. To think he had been mourning the man and all the while the bastard had done this to Olivia. He was truly repulsed. It was inconceivable.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" asked the Captain, his voice almost breaking with grief. He was drowning under the weight of what he'd just been told.

"I was in shock," said Olivia, finding her voice. "I couldn't face seeing anyone. I went straight home and… and I showered."

The Captain looked at her then, realising what she was telling him.

"Oh Liv," he said wretchedly. "I am so sorry. I am so… so sorry. I…"

"Captain," she said, staring in alarm at her Captain. He was clearly devastated. Was he blaming himself? "It wasn't your fault, Captain!"

"I must take at least some responsibility in this Olivia," he said sadly. "I'm responsible for your safety and you were assaulted virtually a stone's throw from my office. There is no way I can ever…" he paused. Then he changed direction. "Look, you are now officially on leave, fully-paid. You take as long as you need and… and if you decide not to come back, I completely understand and you will receive the full pension, the works."

"I was just going to ask for three months," said Olivia quietly.

"You take as many months as you need!" Part of him was surprised at how easy that had been. Olivia Benson, who had to be forced to take a single sick day, had just asked for three months? It just proved how traumatic this whole situation was for her. Even after Seal View she hadn't wanted to take any time off.

"Thanks Captain," she replied.

"I want you to make a full report," he said. "Did you go to the hospital? Do you have any record of the attack? I know criminal proceedings can't be brought against him now he's deceased, but we are still going to do everything we can to prove this case internally."

"He's dead Captain. There really isn't any need."

"Of course there is Olivia. People need to know what he did to you and you deserve to be compensated. You have more chance of that if you make it official.

"I don't care about money, Captain. I'm just relieved he's no longer out there."

The Captain stepped out from behind his desk and moved towards her. He took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry I failed you Olivia," he murmured.

"You didn't Captain. You couldn't," she replied.

"Yes I did," he replied. "I promise you we'll be making changes around here. I won't allow anything like this to happen ever again. I'll make some calls to security and see what preventative measures we can take and I'll order a thorough investigation to find out how on earth that… that sorry excuse for a man managed to attack one of my finest officers, just feet from us all."

Despite the seriousness of the topic, Olivia couldn't help but feel pleased at his compliment.

"Look, Liv, you go and clear your desk. I will personally come round to your place to take your official statement tonight. I'm sure the last place you want to be right now is here."

"Thanks Captain," she said appreciating his consideration.

"What do you want me to do regarding letting the team know?" he asked.

"You can tell them," she sighed. "I can't face it. Tell them I am fine, but that I just need some time before I see everyone."

"Understood," replied the Captain. "They're going to be worried about you, Liv."

"I know," she said. Once again she hated that she was the cause of all this. "I'll talk to them in time. I'm not ready yet. I'm going to get my things." She handed him her gun and badge.

"Elliot, can I have a brief word?" asked the Captain.

"Will you be all right, Liv?" asked Elliot.

She nodded and left the office, her head held high. Elliot felt bad about letting her out of his sight, but the truth was he wanted a word with the Captain alone.

"When did she tell you?" asked the Captain after she had closed the door behind her.

"Right after it happened," Elliot replied. "We had plans on Friday and I rang her to arrange to meet up and she answered and I knew right away something was wrong, so I went straight over to her place and she told me after I noticed the bruising on her neck and forehead.

"I'm glad you're here for her Elliot. Look after her, won't you. You know what she's like. She'll try and pretend everything is fine."

"I know Captain."

"Call me Don, Elliot. I'm no longer your boss."

"OK, Don," he said, feeling awkward as he tested it out for the first time. "You know, I'm actually really worried about her. This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I was hoping you could help and encourage her to get some help ASAP." Cragen looked at Elliot sharply. His tone told him that he wasn't messing around.

"I'll order her into counselling or therapy or something tonight," replied Cragen. "Maybe I should bring someone with me. I wonder if I can get hold of Huang tonight. He's back in New York, you know."

"She'll be furious," said Elliot nervously, "but she needs help. I…. I pulled a razor out of her hand last night." He watched as Cragen's eyes widened in shock. "I'm really worried about her," Elliot repeated.

"Do you think she's at serious risk for…?" Cragen asked. He didn't want to say the words.

"I don't know. I don't think so. I spoke to her. She promised me she isn't going to do anything like that. It's just she's trying so hard to put on a brave face, pretend she can deal with this. She refuses to let me out of sight, or even out of her grasp at times and at the same time she hates being so dependent. She's just all over the place at the moment. This is huge. It's like that bastard has taken away everything that makes her her: her independence, her strength and her sense of who she is. She's reeling. She was terrified he was going to come back for her until your phone call this morning. I'm not even sure yet how the news of his death has sunken in. Despite the fact she's obviously relieved he's no longer a threat, it's taken away her chance at getting justice and I'm not sure what impact that will have. I think she'll get through it eventually. She's strong, we both know that, but it's going to take time. She was talking about coming back to work after just a few weeks, but I insisted she take a minimum of three months off and for once she listened to me and agreed. "

"OK, understood." Cragen sighed. "There's no way I'd have allowed her back after just a couple of weeks anyway!" he added.

"Yeah, I figured that." Elliot grinned.

"I'll see what I can do. If Huang is unavailable, I'll get someone else."

"Thanks Cap…. Don."

"No problem. I'll see you guys in a couple of hours. I just need to finish a few things up here first and of course try and get hold of Huang or someone else."

"OK. See you later then."

"Elliot, keep an eye on her until we can get her evaluated, ok?"

"I will." Elliot knew he meant to make sure she had no opportunity to get near any razors or suchlike again.

"Hang in there Elliot. And thanks. I'm glad you're here for her through this."

Elliot nodded, then left the office and went over to where Olivia was almost finished emptying out her locker. She shoved the last of her things into her bag and then she turned to Elliot. "Let's go," she said. Elliot looked at her. She looked absolutely drained. He was feeling pretty beat himself. It had been exhausting. He was glad it was over for now, even though he knew there was still more to come this evening.

"Come on," he said, putting his arm around her and leading her out. She didn't even flinch this time, but gladly accepted his arm.