I'm so sorry for the delay in getting this update to you. I hope this chapter serves as an adequate apology. Thank you for your continued support, it gives me such a boost. On we go…
xxx
The family waiting room at the hospital was so quiet it was giving Jane a headache, and the flickering light in the corner certainly wasn't helping matters. The silence offered no distraction from the panic setting into her mind. It had been something of a whirlwind, somehow getting a distraught Maura into the car, speeding off to the hospital faster than she would have if she were in pursuit of a suspect, and meeting up with Angela at the Emergency Department. Jane had let Maura go in with Sara, partly because she seemed the more frantic of the two, and partly because Jane didn't know if she was ready to see her daughter in such a condition again.
Angela had finally stopped sobbing and was now hiccupping into her handkerchief. Jane had her arm around her, her thumb stroking a trembling shoulder to offer some comfort. They were the only people in the room, and Jane supposed that was a good thing, though she wished she could quell the surprising awkwardness that had settled between her and her mother.
Angela had apologised dozens of times since they'd been there. Jane, of course, had told her to stop being silly, that she couldn't have known what was going to happen. No one could. But Angela felt, as many grandmothers do, that her responsibility was even greater than that of Sara's parents.
Jane pulled her phone from her belt for no reason other than to try and distract herself. Maura had stopped crying by the time they'd reached the hospital, but her breathing had been erratic and she'd not looked at Jane since they'd arrived. Jane couldn't help but assume that she was mad at her for drawing her away from Sara this evening, for being the reason behind Maura not being present when Sara became ill.
The door opened slowly and a tall, greying man in pale blue scrubs, whose face was worn and whose eyes were blackened by the stress and grief only a doctor can know walked in with a definite stoop in his shoulders. Jane removed her arm from Angela's back and stood up in one fluid movement, fingers tangling together in an attempt to keep herself grounded.
"Is she okay? Is Sara okay?"
"She's fine." He smiled.
"She had a slight reaction to her medication, but we've stabilized her. She's a little out of it, but you can come and see her if you like." Jane let out a breath and felt a lump form in her throat. She hadn't allowed herself to feel until this moment, afraid that if she had, she wouldn't have been able to stop crying. She pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes for a split second.
"Of course, can my ma come too?"
"We'd like to keep visitors to a minimum for the moment, but your wife was asking for you."
"She's not my…" Jane paused, realising that Maura was, in fact, still her wife. She nodded, and followed the doctor to Sara's private room, which she was sure was down to Maura's pull, despite having not been Chief Medical Examiner for two years.
The doctor opened the door gently and held it open as Jane entered. Maura looked up, her face blotchy but demeanour altogether more calm than she had been the last time Jane was with her. She smiled, and turned in her chair, which was positioned next to Sara in her bed.
"She's alright, Jane. She's sleepy, but she's still awake. I told her if she stayed up just a little longer her mama would come and see her."
Jane couldn't talk. She could barely breathe. The seizures had happened in such a short amount of time, she couldn't help but wonder if it would always be like this. The thought of Sara having to endure this forever was almost too much to bear. She looked at her daughter, tiny in the hospital bed, with a cannula in her hand and oxygen tubes resting under her nostrils. She brought a trembling hand to her mouth, tears threatening to escape.
Maura stood and walked to Jane and, without saying a word, slid her hands up Jane's chest before wrapping her arms round her neck. She nuzzled her nose into the warmth of Jane's shoulder and pressed a soft kiss there.
"She's going to be okay, it's a side effect of her medication. They just need to alter the dosage. Please, don't worry too much." Maura
"Aren't you worried?" Jane had buried her face in Maura's hair, the scent of her shampoo familiar and comforting.
"Of course I am. But I trust medicine and I trust science, and her condition has improved since we've been here. It's a good sign, Jane. Do you trust me?"
She pulled back, looking up into Jane's eyes, and grasped Jane's fingers.
"I do. I do trust you. Can I say hi? I think I'll feel better if I speak to her." Her voice came out as barely a whisper. Maura brought Jane's hand to her lips and kissed her palm, lips brushing against the sensitive, scarred skin at the centre.
She pulled Jane toward the bed, and allowed her to sit in the chair. Jane reached out to brush stray hairs from Sara's forehead. As she did, Sara's eyes fluttered open, and she smiled so brightly Jane couldn't control her tears.
"Hi baby," she croaked, biting her bottom lip to try and control herself.
"Mama? Do you and mommy love each other again?"
Jane and Maura looked at Sara, looked at each other, then burst out laughing. Jane pulled Sara close to her, being careful not to disturb the wires and tubes, and smiled into her hair.
"Well, I can only speak for myself sweetheart, but I never stopped loving your mommy. I don't think I ever will." Maura looked at Jane with such adoration she thought her heart might actually burst.
Sara smiled, and cosied into Jane's arms, falling asleep within a few moments. Jane laid her back gently, making sure the covers were as high as they would go, and leant across to kiss her forehead softly.
She stood up as a nurse entered.
"We'll have to perform some more tests now, I'm afraid. Would you mind stepping out whilst we do?"
"Of course not. Jane, would you like to get a cup of coffee?"
"I'm not sure they have your kind of coffee here, Maura." Jane chuckled, but held her arm out, and Maura led the way to the waiting area.
"We should probably tell ma that Sara's okay." Jane made her way to the family room as Maura headed toward the vending machine down the hallway. They met back at the chairs outside Sara's room, keeping quiet vigil.
"When she was born, I swore I would love and protect her with everything that I have. I swore that I would always keep my family safe. It was like it was my reason for being, to protect her, to make sure she was happy. And to make sure you were happy too, Maura." Jane looked up from the floor and gazed into Maura's eyes as tears welled in her own. Maura rubbed comforting circles on Jane's thigh with her thumb.
"What if you hadn't have come in that night, Maura? What if I'd… Oh, God." Jane brought her hands up to her face and covered her shame. She sobbed, tears spilling between her fingers, her back heaving with the effort of it all.
"Oh, Jane." Maura threw her arms around Jane's quivering body, pulling her as close as possible, placing soft kisses at her temple.
"It's okay. She's okay. We're okay, Jane, my love."
"We're not okay, Maura. We haven't been okay since…" She paused, weighing the words up in her mind.
"Since I nearly shot our child. I pointed a gun at her, Maura! I had my finger on the trigger, and I was ready to do it. I was so sure he was there, he was going to hurt her. And if you'd come in a second later, I think I would've done it. And I would never forgive myself if I hurt her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself." She trailed off, letting the immensity of her speech rest between them.
"Jane, you didn't hurt her. It was terrifying and awful and I don't know what I would've done if things had turned out differently, but the fact is, they didn't. You didn't hurt her. I calmed you down. No one was harmed."
"I harmed you, didn't I? I harmed us. I don't know if things will ever be the same again, Maura. We were so happy, and then he happened, and now I don't know if we can ever get it back. I just want to be able to love you freely. To spend time with you and Sara, without some stranger there watching over me, in case I flip my shit again, or get my gun, or…" She was close to hyperventilating now, and Maura did the only thing she could think of that may serve to calm Jane down.
She grabbed Jane's face with both hands and pulled her close, lips seeking lips ferociously. She palmed the back of Jane's head, pulling her impossibly closer, her other hand going to Jane's waist. She broke away, resting her forehead on Jane's as they both caught their breath.
"Jane, I love you. Sara loves you. That will be enough. We're going to get through this, I promise." She kissed Jane's nose.
"I wish you'd spoken to be like this before now. There's been this, this giraffe in the room since that night, and I was never quite sure on how to broach the subject, but now it's all out, and you're laughing at me. Jane!" She swatted Jane's arm playfully, crossing her arms and hmph-ing.
"I'm sorry, Maur', I really am, but giraffe? You are so cute when you get your metaphors wrong."
"Well what is it supposed to be?"
"It's an elephant, Maura. An elephant in the room. I think it's disappeared now though." Jane smiled, brushing tears from her cheeks and leaning forward to kiss Maura once more.
xxx
This is not the end! Oh Lord no. There is much still to come, but I thought this was a nice place to end it, considering all the nasty things I've put this little family through recently. Reviews are everything.