Aftermath, Chapter 11 – Goodbye, for Now

I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Grey's Anatomy and Co.

Lauren spent the rest of her morning and early afternoon at a coffee house a few doors down from the hotel. She loved telecommuting and savoring local flavor.

Once current on email, Lauren allowed herself the pleasure of mulling over the events of the past few days. For the most part, she felt genuinely excited about all that had transpired. The development position intrigued her and the more she thought about Syria, the more interested she became in taking a turn as a field doc. Thoughts of Arizona were not as clear, however. The more she considered Arizona's panic attacks, the more she became worried about Arizona's health.

The doctor in Lauren suspected Arizona's anxiety was related to the trauma of surviving a plane crash and losing a limb; the woman in her wondered if purchasing a hospital compounded it; and the lover in her understood the havoc an affair would inflict upon her nervous system. She sighed loudly and felt guilt resurface. Meeting Arizona was, at once, a beautiful and complicated experience.

When it came to the gorgeous blonde pediatric surgeon, Lauren was anything but grounded. What other reason could she give for openly pursuing a married woman and mother or a toddler? She thought back to their conversation at the Conservatory when Arizona made it clear that she was equally invested in their sexual encounter and that Lauren alone was not to be blamed. Hearing the words helped, of course, but didn't change the fact that three people were affected by one decision.

Lauren also considered Arizona's invitation to take things slowly and date. She had no regrets over accepting Arizona's proposal, though she knew their relationship had moved into a sexual realm much sooner than Arizona had likely intended. She hoped this wouldn't increase the severity of her anxiety, but knew it would. Hell, their sexual attraction made her anxious and she didn't even suffer a nervous disorder. Theirs was the kind of sexual attraction that swept people away. Theirs was the kind of chemistry that stemmed from something undefinable. Theirs was the kind of connection that broke hearts. Outsiders looking in wouldn't, or couldn't, comprehend the connected they shared. All they'd see was a cheater and a home-wrecker, not two women whose similarities offered a deep understanding with the potential to heal wounds and release anger.

Sensing eyes upon her, Lauren looked up in time to hear an elderly gentleman with silver dreads and beautiful wrinkles say with a drawl more Southern than her own, "Girl, whatever sickness you got, I want it."

Lauren quickly assessed the situation. Deciding he was harmless, she tilted her head and said, "Pardon?"

"You been sitting there smiling that electric smile of yours for the past ten minutes. If only I could be so lucky to catch such a fever."

Something about the gentleman's cadence reminded her of her grandfather. She couldn't help but ask, "Where are you from?"

"N'awlins, born and raised, but I'm up here now. What 'bout you. Where are you from?"

Lauren knew he was telling the truth. His pronunciation of New Orleans rang true and was identical to her grandfathers. With inherited low country charm, she replied, "Ashville, via Raleigh."

"I thought I heard a Carolina twang. My first wife was from Chapel Hill. We went up there from time to time to see her people; then we'd surf OBX hurricanes. God, I loved that woman. Sure wish I could've made her smile the way you do. We might have lasted longer, if I did. You married?"

Lauren waved her hand and answered in a matter-of-fact kind of way, "Nope. No time for that."

"Yeah, that's what cost me my second marriage-the lack of time and all. I can't believe a pretty girl like you hasn't been gobbled up though, free time or no time."

Lauren considered shutting down the conversation there; but then realized there was no harm in confiding in a total stranger. "I was engaged once, but that was a long time ago. Things just didn't work out like we'd hoped. I threw myself into my work to get through it and here I am."

The older gentleman nodded in understanding. "Well, you're good and young still and a smile like that is going to give you plenty of suitors. Me, I'm so old now, I'd propose to anyone who can make a good pitcher of sweet tea; something that's nearly impossible to find up here, by the way."

Lauren chuckled and said, "Well, it's a good thing I'm not much for sugar in my tea."

"Ah, you like it on the bitter side? A chicory kind of gal, I bet?"

Lauren smiled. She loved chicory coffee. She touched the tip of her index finger to her nose indicating he was spot on and said, "Uh hmm, but not too bitter; maybe a 25/75 blend."

"Friend, I tell you what. You stop by Jemil's Big Easy sometime and I'll whip you up the best chicory coffee you'll ever have in Seattle. Make you some fresh beignets too, I promise. Just tell the host Lazone sent you."

Lauren was about to ask about the venue when her phone vibrated. She reached for it; then checked her manners. "I'm sorry, do you mind?"

"No, not at all," Lazone said.

Lauren read Arizona's text and responded: Great! I'll meet you in the Southwest corner of the park, closest to the hospital; then looked up to see Lazone grinning widely.

"There's that smile again," he said.

Feeling blood rush to her face, Lauren stood and packed her things to go. "Next time I'm in Seattle, I'll stop by for that cup of coffee," she said joyfully.

"Please do. It was nice to meet you too, Miss?"

"Lauren."

"Be safe now, Miss Lauren."

"You too."

Arizona was glad she left her office when she did. She recognized an all too familiar rage welling inside her and knew that had she stayed, she'd surely have said something she would regret later on. Were she and Callie ever able to talk through their differences, she wondered. Admittedly, they did well when times were good, but what about when times were bad?

Adjusting to life as an amputee was not easy. Everything from the way she emotionally climbed out of bed in the morning to the way she physically climbed back in had changed. Her state of mind was different, also. Her anger became a primary emotion, and rightfully so. Anyone in her position would have lashed out at their spouse for a broken promise. Compounding her anger was a fear that she might never be a surgeon again; an emotion that she knew was destroying her internally. If it weren't for Bailey, she might still be drowning in hopelessness.

The relief Arizona felt after reclaiming her career only partially carried over to her marriage, however. On some level, she understood that the amputation saved her life, but she still didn't feel like she could trust Callie again. Making matters worse was the fact that they never really talked about the promise Callie made to save her leg. This meant neither woman knew if it was a realistic request or reasonable promise to make, and yet each held strong opinions that ultimately kept them from seeing the others point of view.

The responsibility of running a hospital further complicated Arizona's day to day. In her heart, she knew she should never have become one of the Grey Sloan Seven when what she really wanted was to focus her energy on Sofia, buying a house, taking vacations, and living life as the precious gift it is. As a result, she routinely struggled with being a hospital executive. The position required maintaining strict control over her emotions, something that took an astonishing amount of energy. She'd finally managed to bear down and knuckle through, when a complete stranger entered her life and reflected an image she found impossible to ignore. She was drawn to her reflection in Lauren like a moth to a flame. Much was destroyed, but all was not lost. Like a phoenix, she rose from the ashes; albeit, she'd spend a lifetime sorting the incredible pain and devastation accompanied by self-reclamation.

Arizona exited the hospital doors and took a moment to study the sky and feel the fresh air touch her skin. She told herself to leave what had just happened with Callie behind. Giving energy to the absurd notion that she would introduce their daughter to Lauren at this stage in their relationship was pointless. She decided to add it to the list of things she'd discuss with Dr. Eden. The last thing she wanted to do was carry the toxic energy she and Callie had just created over to Lauren. Considering it would be a few weeks before she saw her again, she wanted to be present and enjoy the little time they had left. She took mindful strides toward her and noticed a sense of calmness augment her every step.

Lauren saw Arizona approach from a few hundred yards away. She watched the curvaceous blonde close the distance between them and noticed a tingling sensation in her palms as she did. Lazone's observation resounded in her mind. There was no denying that Arizona Robbins had an incredible effect on her psyche. She stood to greet her and once again felt delighted to see Arizona draped in her sweater.

Arizona returned Lauren's smile and noticed a hue in her eyes she hadn't seen before. In direct sunlight, they were solid amber with a mixture of green and brown flecks. Her id took notice. She opened her arms and pulled Lauren into a satisfying embrace.

Lauren appreciated Arizona's affection and shared her need for closeness. She let Arizona be the first to break contact then motioned for her to sit, handing her a coffee as she did. Whilst waiting, she'd spent time sorting through her feelings about Arizona's anxiety, their sexual encounter, and their decision to date. She'd hoped to share one or two of her thoughts before they parted ways, and trusted that an opportunity would present itself.

Arizona graciously accepted the beverage and took a sip. The temperature was lukewarm and she realized Lauren had waited awhile for her to arrive. Tasting the sweetness and appreciated Lauren's kindness, Arizona pointed to the label and said, "I see you found Sarah's Table. It's a great little venue, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I liked it there," Lauren said recalling her interaction with Lazone.

Arizona knew they had a limited amount of time and wanted to use it wisely. She hoped skipping the small talk wouldn't come off as rude and chose her words carefully, "Thanks for being so supportive last night. I kind of fell apart on you, and I didn't mean to."

Lauren appreciated Arizona's directness. She turned her body sideways on the bench and studied her face. She felt deeply affected by Arizona's beauty. "I'm just glad you didn't try to keep it all in."

"Me too," Arizona said matching Lauren's softness.

"Are you feeling better?"

Arizona considered her options. She could lie, and say she did, but lying didn't feel right. She decided to focus on how she felt before her conversation with Callie. "This morning was great." She heard her words and realized how they could be interpreted. She suddenly felt flushed and quickly added, "I mean, I felt good this morning. And yeah, this morning was great, and our time together was amazing and uhm… Yeah, I felt good earlier and it felt good with Dr. Avery too."

Lauren smiled sweetly and chortled. She absolutely adored the way Arizona rambled on. She watched as her cheeks turned pink and interjected with incredible compassion, "I know what you mean. I felt the same way. And, how are you feeling now?"

Arizona realized she was at a fork in the road. She could speak her truth and risk that her anger toward Callie might resurface, or she could pretend everything was fine. She took a deep breath and said, "Angry. I feel angry. I had a run in with Callie right before I came here. I'm trying not to let it bleed into our time together, and I'm sorry if I seem a bit off. I'm glad to be here with you, and I'm glad we have this time to ourselves before you go. Any anger I have has nothing to do with you."

Lauren considered Arizona's words. She recognized how similar they were as women. She was extremely adept at compartmentalizing and understood exactly what Arizona meant by feeling "off." She responded the way she would want someone to respond to her, "I just want you to be yourself around me. I think we should promise to be exactly where we're at in the moment. No putting on faces, or feigning, just being authentically human, with human emotions and human flaws."

"I would like that, a lot," Arizona said truthfully. Knowing she was opening the door to deeper intimacy she continued, "It's so easy to be myself around you and I really appreciate it. It's exactly what I need right now."

Sensing it was an appropriate time to bring up her concerns, Lauren reached out and touched Arizona's thigh before saying, "Arizona, I think we need to talk about what is happening between us. At times, I'm overwhelmed by it. I find myself thinking about you a lot and have difficulty concentrating. If I feel this way as a single woman, I can't imagine what you're experiencing as a soon to be ex-wife and a mom, let alone someone who just recently survived a plane crash."

Arizona sucked in her bottom lip and inhaled deeply. Lauren's words left her feeling raw and exposed, but not in a way that made her want to run from the conversation. What Lauren had just said confirmed was something she'd spent months in therapy discussing. Their sexual attraction was overwhelming and the only explanation she could give for her indiscretion was that Lauren's pull was stronger than her push. This was something she and Dr. Eden had spent a lot of time on. They highlighted the way Lauren had no connection to her life before the plane crash and how this was likely part of the draw, but Arizona never felt comfortable naming Lauren's nonalignment as the ultimate reason for the affair. They also discussed the fact that Lauren reminded Arizona of the woman she was previous to the crash and the sexual attraction was a way for her to find herself again, but Arizona knew something was missing from that assessment, as well. They settled on the idea that Lauren came into her life, for a reason, and that reason would present itself at another time. Wondering if this was that time, Arizona turned toward Lauren and said, "That night in the NICU, when I said I made a mistake, I meant my mistake was cheating on my wife. As for our connection, especially the sexual aspect, I don't feel the same regret. Had we met before I married, I'd have pursued you, I know I would have."

Lauren nodded and proceeded cautiously. She didn't want to say anything that would scare or overwhelm Arizona, but at the same time, she felt profoundly affected by their time together over the past few days and knew she needed to at least talk about what was true for her. "It would be nice if we'd have met under different circumstances. The connection between us, in my mind, is incredibly powerful, and it would be so great to enjoy it without trepidation. That's why I think we should revisit our conversation about taking things slowly. It might be good to spell out what that would look like. Please don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the sexual intimacy we share, but I'm willing to put it on hold, if it's too much too soon. Do you know what I mean?"

Arizona knew exactly what Lauren meant. She felt a sudden sense of relief. Lauren's conflicted emotions ultimately validated her own. She also realized they were openly communicating about their feelings and personal needs-something she wished she'd have learned to do long ago. She reached out and touched Lauren's hand and said, "Thank you. I agree. We should consider how to proceed from here. When I originally proposed taking things slow, I imagined us refraining from sexual intimacy, something that is obviously easier said than done. Then this morning, waking up in your arms, I just... I don't know… It just felt right."

"I know. I felt the exact same way. That's why I'm bringing this up. I don't want what starts in chaos, to end in chaos. I think we have a chance to be mindful here and change that old adage."

Arizona pondered Lauren's words and nodded her head slowly. She considered how chaotic the past few years had actually been and spoke from her heart, "Everything in my life right now feels so surreal. It's kind of like I'm playing a supportive character in a television drama who one day realizes that everything is happening to her, and not by her choosing, and the only way to take the lead role is to make a decision that will drastically alter the story."

Lauren completely understood what Arizona meant and made a conscious decision to share a part of her past. "I get it. I've been through an incredibly difficult break-up, myself; one that took an amazing amount of energy to recover from. I picked up pieces for years afterwards and know that kind of surreality."

Arizona watched Lauren's face as she spoke and saw a look of sadness she'd never seen before. Once again, she realized actually how little she knew about her lover. She wanted to know more and wasn't sure if it was the right time to ask. She settled on words that would give Lauren an opportunity to continue, or an out if need be. "I really want to get to know you better and especially this part of your story."

"It's one that's best told over a glass of wine. I'll be more than happy to share it with you the next time we meet, okay?"

Arizona accepted Lauren's answer and said, "I'd like that."

"It's a date then," Lauren said smiling.

Arizona took note of the time and realized Lauren's flight would leave soon. She picked up a leaf on the bench next to her and twirled it by its stem. She thought over their entire conversation and remembered how it began with Lauren wanting to discuss how their sexual attraction impacted her health. She searched for words that might bring comfort and settled on, "I think I need to take some time off work and go away for a few days. Maybe I'll head down the coast in search of warmer weather and sandy shores."

Lauren smiled. She was all for alone time and liked the idea of Arizona taking care of herself. She also appreciating the way Arizona had circled back to where their conversation began. "That sounds amazing," she replied, revealing genuine enthusiasm.

"Uh hmm," Arizona said nodding. She realized they hadn't discussed Syria. She quickly changed subjects and asked, "I know we don't have enough time to go over Dr. Avery's proposal, but I'd like to before we meet with him again. Do you think we can teleconference sometime over the next few weeks?"

"Yeah, absolutely," Lauren said softly.

Reluctantly, Arizona got to her feet.

Lauren followed her lead and said, "If you need anything, or just want to talk, please don't hesitate to call."

Arizona smiled and nodded in agreement. She took a step toward Lauren at the exact same moment Lauren took a step toward her. They held each other in a long and meaningful embrace. In the past three days, they had deepened their level of intimacy and would both need time to process what it meant. In the past three days, they were presented with an opportunity that would enmesh their professional careers, something that would require clear boundaries. In the past three days, they had satisfied their lustful hunger for one another and needed time to sift through the emotional reverberations of sexual attraction.