Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight that honor goes to Stephanie Meyer. I only own an imagination and the emotions that have gone into this story.

First and foremost I want to thank Prettykittyartist for agreeing to become my beta. She has the task of keeping all my punctuations in line and fixing what my brain starts to write without my permission.

Also a big thank you to all my girls on FB who encourage me and that help me stay focused. Also the girls in the WC's, busymommy, Emily, Kitsushel, I punch warewolves and Lauren. Also a very special thank you to i'm random girl, nails233, holloweenlover (which happens to be my twifey and a wonderful story pimp) I love you girls.

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Thank you to all who read/ rec/ alert/ fav and review. Each chapter I am blessed with so much love. I can't contain the happiness.

Title for this chapter comes from A Different Kind of Pain by: Cold (Thanks Sugar for the song) Enjoy.

***JaD***

Chapter 11 - A Different Kind of Pain

BPOV

I had finished checking in with Melisa, Michelle's receptionist and sat down in the modest waiting room. I always hated sitting in this room, it was so plain and generic, unlike Michelle's treatment room. This room was filled with ugly pink pleather chairs, and a painting that looks like someone just threw up different jars of pink paint all over it. The only thing that gave a bit of life and color to the room was the large flat screen LCD TV. Of course, it was stuck on some medical channel that played the same things over and over. If people did not have issues before coming into this room, they would after spending enough time in it. I couldn't understand how poor Melissa didn't go nuts being stuck in this room. The great thing is that I was only in this room about 15 minutes before my appointment.

Exactly 15 minutes later, Michelle called me into her treatment room. The first time I came in to see her, she told me that her actual office was kept separate from her treatment room to ensure that she did not accidentally leave personal patient information out where others could see. The treatment room was set up in such a comfortable and soothing way. It had a large olive colored couch that had recliners on either side, I remember the first time I sat on it; I asked if the recliners were for us to lay down on. The room also had a small refreshment area, and a table with tissues and such items. The final thing in the room was the large wing back chair that Michelle sat in.. I walked in, and went straight for the Diet Coke that I always liked to drink when I was in this room. I had a very strange comfort reaction to it, it felt familiar and safe. I needed things like that when I came to these sessions at times.

"Good morning, Bella. How are you doing this morning?" Michelle greeted.

"Good morning, Michelle. I don't really know. I have so many feeling and emotions going through me right now. I don't know if I am acting and reacting the way I should, or if I am over- reacting. I feel like I am hurting many of those that I love. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not right now," I sighed.

"What do you mean, Bella? How are you hurting people?" she asked.

"Well, I have been really snippy with everyone. I have yelled at Alice for no real reason, I have been avoiding Edward, and I am even finding myself losing my temper with Andrew more easily." The reality of my actions the last few days were even worse when I said them out loud.

"Okay, we will begin to address why you are reacting this way. Does it have anything to do with what tomorrow is?" she questioned me. I could see that she was not going to beat around the bush today, and wanted to get straight to the cause of my erratic behavior.

"Michelle, they are the same reasons they have been for the last two weeks." We have been having daily appointments because of what was about to happen.

Michelle sighed; I'm sure she was getting tired of my attitude toward everything. "Bella, you need to talk about it. You can't keep everything in. That kind of attitude is what landed you in my office in the first place. You went through a great trauma when you were at your most vulnerable. Losing a husband on the same day you gave birth to your son is not something you can heal from by ignoring it. Didn't the panic attack you had during the trial teach you that?"

"Michelle, it will be a year TOMORROW!" I yelled. "Aren't I allowed to want to wallow and hide from the world? I hate that my son's birth will forever be tainted with the reminder that it was also the day that we lost his father. Jacob may have died 28 days later, but we lost him that day. I lost the sunshine in my life that day. I never got to hear his voice again. How am I supposed to feel right now?" I said as the sobs made their way out of me. I was hurting; I was in so much pain. I felt guilty that I wanted to celebrate my son's life. I wanted it to be a happy day. How selfish could I be?

"Yes! Bella, you are allowed. It's okay to have these feelings, it's okay to be angry, hurt, sad and all that, but you also need to be okay with continuing your life. You are a young woman that has had to suffer through some great pains, but that does not mean have to close yourself off, or that you can't celebrate the birth of your son. Jake would have wanted you to go on with your life, you know that. Hell, I know that and I never even met the man," Michelle ended in a soft voice.

"Michelle, It's been less than a year since I lost my husband, and I am already dating. Not only am I dating, but I think I have strong feelings for the guy. He makes me feel things that I should have only felt with Jake- no one else." I explained, getting to the true root of what had been bothering me. The date with Edward had been fantastic- he thought of everything, and it was so unique and different than what I thought a first date would have been. He not only thought of things for us to do, but he also made sure that we could bring Andrew along with us. He made it a family oriented date. He knew how special and important my son was and he wanted to make sure he included him in all of our things.

"So that is the real reason for all of this, huh Bella? You're feeling guilty and bad that you enjoyed your date out with Edward? The man has proven to be there for you, he has made sure that you haven't needed anything physically and emotionally since the trial. YOU have leaned on him, and that's perfectly all right. Bella, Jake would have wanted you to go on with your life. Hell, you have had how many dreams in the last year with him telling you to go on. What is so different today?" she inquired, raising her eyebrow at me.

"I had another dream about him last night," I whispered.

"Tell me about the dream, Bella," she urged.

"We were at the beach again. I was playing in the sand with Andrew; he was getting it all over himself. I stood him up so that I could clean some of it off before it started to rub him raw, when Andrew suddenly started to wobble past me. I tried to grab him, but he just went faster. It felt as if I was trying to catch air instead of my toddling son. When I turn around I see Jake standing behind me, but Andrew is no longer there. I ask Jake where our son is and he tells me that our son isn't there anymore. He says "Andrew is not our little boy, he's a man with a family of his own." I start to laugh and tell him that it's impossible -I was just playing with him in the sand. "Bella, when was the last time you saw yourself?" Jake asks me. "Jacob, what are you talking about? I saw myself this morning," I tell him. He laughs lightly and points down to my hands. When I look down, I am horrified by what I see. My hands are full of age spots; they are wrinkled and look like my grandmother Marie's hands before she passed away. He tells me "Angel, you have spent your entire life waiting for me, and you've alone. It's time to go, its time to let Andrew finish living his life the way he should have been all those years. He shouldn't have to care for his aging mother, that never let go. He should do what you never did for yourself. Come, angel, your past awaits". I start to cry, and plead, and tell him I can't go yet- I am not ready. Andrew cannot be left alone yet it's, too soon. All he does is laugh and say that I had my chance to live my life and chose not to, and now time was up. I woke up sobbing and ran straight to Andrew's room to make sure he was still tucked into his little crib." I finish telling her about my dream. It is the latest in a series I have had since the date.

"Bella, you see Jake is trying to tell you not to hold on forever. He's telling you that you're only going to end up hurting yourself, and Andrew. You need to let go a little, its okay," she concluded.

I sighed, not really sure how I was feeling about everything. Was I really okay with letting go and getting out there again? Did I feel that it was what I needed, what Andrew needed? I just couldn't think of those things right now. I was hurting so much; my son's birthday is supposed to be a day full of joy, not a day that I spend depressed and wanting to lock myself up. It killed me that I couldn't be happier about the day for Andrew. My son deserved so much more then what I was giving him. I agreed to let Alice and Jasper throw him a big birthday party in Forks during the weekend, but I couldn't bring myself to have a party or make a big deal about it tomorrow. It felt like I was celebrating the end of my husband's life, and now with me dating Edward, the guilt was even stronger. Maybe the guilt wouldn't have been as bad if we weren't dating and still just friends, or if I didn't enjoy the way he kissed me when he kissed me goodnight.

After I agreed to go out with him, Edward told me that he wanted to ask me for weeks, but knew I wasn't ready. I also kept bringing up Jake each time he began to gain the nerve to ask. I felt slightly bad because I wanted him to ask me out, I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. Secondly, it made me feel good that someone still found me attractive. The fact that, that person caused me to have inappropriate thoughts notwithstanding. He told me that he would call me during the week to give me details, and told me not to get a sitter because he wanted to include Andrew on our date. He said that we would have plenty of other dates without Andrew, but the first one would not have been right without the little man -as he called him. He then leaned in and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek- the same one he always gives me, but quickly moved and pecked me on the lips. I was not expecting that and he moved away almost immediately. If I had blinked at that moment I would have thought it was all in my head- it was that quick. The sparks that tingled on my lips were proof that it was not my imagination. My lips felt like they had been zapped with static electricity… it was such a strange but welcoming sensation.

"Bella, what's the smile for? You haven't smiled in a session all week. Are you thinking of Jake, or Edward?" Michelle asked in a bit of a knowing tone.

My face immediately turned a whole slew of shades of red. "Edward kissed me the day he asked me out, but hasn't since," I blurted out.

Michelle raised an eyebrow at me, but didn't say anything else. I know she wanted me to continue and explain further.

I shook my head in defiance; there was nothing else that I wanted to share about that little bit of information... at least not yet. I would eventually share with her, but I knew I needed to first deal with whether or not I wanted to kiss him again.

The session ended shortly after that with Michelle promising that I could contact her on the cell tomorrow if I really needed her. She said she was worried about my state of mind, especially with how I reacted to things today. I agreed that if I felt panicked or anything out of the ordinary, I would call her right away.

***JaD***

I made it through Andrew's birthday fairly well. I only had to call Michelle once, and that was first thing in the morning when I woke up and realized I was waking to an empty bed. Andrew had begun to toddle a little, so as soon I went into his room to get him up for the day and lavish him in kisses, he giggled and toddle away from me, reminding me greatly of the dream a couple of nights before. What really pushed me over the edge, and made me breakdown to call Michelle, was when Andrew toddled to the wedding picture -that used to be in Jake's office whether or not I wanted to kiss him again - he pointed to it and said, "Hiay Dada." That one little statement, and knowing that Andrew was a lot more aware of who was in that picture, killed me.

Shortly after my phone call, and subsequent breakdown with Michelle, I walked out to find Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward in my kitchen. Alice was at the stove cooking up something that resembled pancakes -at least I thought it was pancakes.

Alice wrapped me in a tight hug as she greeted me a good morning, that was followed by similar greetings from Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper. Edward hung back a little bit, and that killed me a little. I knew that he was hesitant to make much contact with me, especially since I had been treating him so coldly since our date.

"Morning, Bella" he carefully said.

I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, "Good morning, Edward."

He hesitantly brought his arms around me, but I could not blame him for being like this. I had only called him twice since our date, and it had been over a month ago.

I suddenly felt rejected and quickly extracted my arms from around him, hiding my face from him so he would not see the rejection in my eyes. But I guess I was not fast, or stealth enough because he grabbed me by the wrists.

"Bella, is everything alright?" The concern was evident in his voice.

"It's just been a really emotional day, Edward. I will be fine," I dismissed, a little colder then I had meant to.

"No, you're not fine, pretty girl. Talk to me please," he pleaded, with so much pain in his voice. He started to call me pretty girl after I explained to him that Jake used to call me Angel.

I sighed because I knew in my heart that I missed talking to him- I missed being honest with him and telling him what I truly was feeling. "I'm sorry I've kept you at a distance, Edward. I just wasn't sure how I was feeling with everything, especially after our date. To be honest with you, I was feeling a little guilty… like I was cheating on Jake. That is not fair to you, and I am sorry for hurting you."

"Pretty girl, I am willing to go as slow as you need me to. I just want to be able to spend time with you." He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on my lips, very similar to the one he gave me at the end of our date.

Just as I was getting into the kiss, and finally wanting to add to it, Esme and Carlisle walked in, with Andrew in Esme's arms. I had not realized until that moment that he was missing. I had been so focused on what was going on between Edward and I.

"Ewar... Ewar," Andrew screamed happily. He had become so close to Edward in the last few months. I was so happy that my son had so many men in his life to help care for him.

"Happy Birthday, lil' man! How you doing?" Edward asked, swinging the squealing boy in the air and laughing along with him.

"Edward, put that boy down before you make him sick swinging him around like that," Esme chastised good-naturedly. 'Good morning, Bella how are you feeling this morning?" she turned to me with worry etched in her face.

"I am better now, Esme, thank you." I was not going to lie and tell her that I was fine, that was the main thing that Michelle told me not to do today. Especially today of all days. Esme gave me a reassuring hug and then went to try to see if she could salvage the rest of the breakfast.

After breakfast… we all headed out, We were going to the park for a little bit and then we were going to go off to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch and playtime. I didn't see the point; it's not like Andrew understood anything that was going on. That's not to say that he was not eating up all the attention that he was getting from everyone. Andrew loved being the center of attention, and Esme and Carlisle doted on him as if he were their own grandchild. Esme said that he helped to fill a little of the void left behind after the loss of Noemi. I knew how hard the loss was on everyone in the family.

I was happy to see that Kate and Garrett had come join us at the pizza place, with Tanya, who looked more recuperated. Tanya had been doing well the last few months. She was going through her therapies like a champ. She also continued to go to church with her parents- she had even managed to get her grandparents to join her every once in a while.

My own trips to church had waned in the last few months. I didn't have the energy or desire to go to church. Michelle explained to me that it was natural for someone who had gone through what I had to lose some faith. She explained that many people in mourning- especially those who have had such a strong faith- to question it. She explained that we question where that deity was when the person we loved needed them the most.

I tried to talk to Pastor Jeff about it, but he just brushed it off and told me that I needed to heal emotionally before I could put any effort back into the church. I was relieved that he understood. I assure that he would tell me that I needed to go back to church and put more faith in God. He explained that until I was healed, it would be impossible for me to accept God, and the word that was being preached about him when I was still harboring this anger and pain inside.

Andrew fell asleep soon afterward, and everyone thought it was best to call it an early night,

I knew that Andrew would not sleep for long, but thought it was a great time to just reflect and relax. Michelle had been making me keep a journal- mostly of my dreams. I took the quiet time to write about the latest dream. We were walking along the shoreline hand in hand before he stepped away from me. He told me he wanted me to meet someone, and then the dream merged into Edward holding my hand. He was looking deep into my eyes, telling me how much he cared about me. He asked me to love him in return, and to allow him to make me his wife. I was crying and promising to love him forever.

Andrew waking from his nap brought me out of my dream memories. I got up to get something small for dinner ready for us. It was simple now that he was able to eat a few more things and I didn't have to make something different for each of us. I stuck with the classic hotdog and Cheetos. I was cutting up Andrew's hotdog when there was a knock at the door.

I went to answer, and was shock to see who I found standing at my doorstep with take out.

***JaD***

AN: Just a Dream has been nominated for an award in the Inspired awards… It's up for best angst under 1000… Please go vote not only for me but many of the other stories that have been nominated. Voting is open until 2/20/11… inspiredfanficawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com

Those who wanted JakesPOV as a review reward, I am sorry that I could not send it, but it wasn't quite ready. I am still working on it, but it will either be posted at the end of this story or as a separate out-take story. I also have a James POV of his reaction to the sentence that will be added to that.

Recs for the week:

Going under for the third time by busymommy - Jasper is a surf bum trying to escape his past, Bella is a graduate student trying to find her future. Will a chance meeting during a surf tournament pull them under for the last time? AH/AU/non-Canon/ rated M for lemons, language, themes

The Betty Chronicles by Emily Bowden - There is an exclusive group known as the Cullens who only allow the most seductive of women into their circle. But their training is not what she thought it would be. Rated MA for lemons & adult content. Cannon couples...eventually

Elementary Education by Muse2MyMojo - New Principal Bella Swan's life is turned upside down when she meets Edward, a sweet sexy first grade she handle a not so elementary education?