'Golden Boy', that's was how they referred to him when he found himself
walking in their midst these days. He hardly felt nor by the reflection
staring back at him in the window, did he look like a boy anymore. Touches
of silver mixed with gray, could be seen in the reflection, while the
tired, tarnished edges and feet of clay could be felt more heavily. No, he
was not 'Golden' either. What he was, was a weary, disenchanted old man.
Captain James T. Kirk, the man who had taken Starfleet where it never been before and prevented what may have been the utter collapse of the Federation four years earlier at Camp Khitomer, was in truth nothing more than a tawdry icon these days.
A bitter realization that had slapped him in the face after the last eight months of being dragged kicking and spitting to every christening for every ship that was Miranda class and up, ready to leave the McKinley Station. All that was necessary of him any more, it seemed, was to stand on the bridge of the ship, force a painful smile on his face for the news crews, and give the obligatory 'Take us out' command followed by the polite applause of another job well done. It had a downward spiraling effect on a man who had spent his life chasing the stars for an idea and organization that he had basically handed over his soul and heart to. Now he found their gratitude toward all he had done disheartening and unpalatable.
Here he stood; the man who could've claimed that he literally had the universe by the tail only a few years ago, now a tin icon with nothing in his life to keep him going. Even the friends he had, closer than family, were slipping away.
Chekov was now within reach of getting his own ship after too many years of being overlooked by Command. Uhura was using all her time as an instructor for the Academy, even touring the other branches spread throughout Federation space. Sulu had his own ship, the Excelsior, and was in the fourth year of his second tour with her and its crew that had the possibility of giving the 'Enterprise's' original crew a run for its money. And Scotty had finally retired after fifty-two years of service, only to die in a tragic crash aboard a transport ship on its way to the Norpin Colony. A colony developed as a retirement center, a fact that disturbed Kirk no end when he considered permanently retiring from time to time. Such as now.
He did see McCoy every now and then, since the Doctor had chosen to remain a part of Starfleet after Khitomer and was overseeing the medical branch of the Academy. Yet their meetings were few and far between, with McCoy spending as much free time as he could with Joanna and his grandkids.
Even Spock had managed to surprise him, though not with his choice of remaining in Starfleet. That decision had been expected by everyone, including Ambassador Sarek, who had even exhibited some pleasure at his son's choice of stepping into a diplomatic role instead of returning to the bridge of the 'Enterprise'.
Spock had accomplished more than find a useful place for himself in Starfleet; he had found something that Kirk had lost and never regained even when his chances fell at his feet. Spock had found himself a family waiting when he had returned to Vulcan five years ago to marry Saavik and adopt her son Taavi as his own.
A wife and a son, two things that Kirk at one time had come close to having then lost in one fell and devastating swoop on the surface of the Genesis planet at the end of a Klingon dagger. David was dead; Carol had being doing everything possible to keep him from coming back into her life afterwards, before remarrying and taking a position on another independent science station. Leaving him to ponder alone, if any one of the three of them had, together or separate accomplished anything other than destroy one life and mangle two others beyond repair.
Behind him the chimes announced a late hour visitor, snapping Kirk back to his somber reality as he stared at his reflection in the window before half turning toward the door. Scowling he shot a quick look at the clock on the shelves along the wall and noted the time was well past midnight, when the chimes softly rang out again.
"Come," he finally said, then moved to gaze back out at the lighted outline of Golden Gate Bridge, somehow knowing who was impatiently waiting on the other side of the door.
Hesitating in the doorway, Dr. Leonard McCoy glanced around the dark apartment until his eyes fell on Kirk's frame in front of the picture windows over looking the bay. Without a word, he stepped into the apartment, frowning worriedly at his friend's lack of greeting of any kind.
"Jim?" he quietly said as he slowly moved through the apartment toward Kirk.
Moving his head enough to watch the Doctor approach from the corner of his eye, Kirk took in a deep breath before replying. "I thought you we're heading back to Atlanta for the weekend?"
"I am," McCoy said, coming up beside Kirk to give the landscape a look as well. "Before I left my office this evening something came across my desk that honestly, Jim, I wasn't sure about showing you."
The tone in McCoy's voice gave evidence to the inner turmoil he had gone through in making his decision before coming to Jim's apartment, and it made Kirk give the man a sharp look.
Meeting his friend's hard hazel stare, McCoy retrieved a hard copy of a file from within the jacket he wore and handed it over to Kirk. "I still can't say that I'm doing the right thing, considering it hasn't been accepted by Starfleet yet, but something told me I couldn't sit by and not let you know. Otherwise, it was sorta like history repeating itself, to my way of thinking."
Slightly bewildered by what McCoy was saying, Kirk took the file from the man as he ordered the overhead lights on at level three and began to read as the soft glow flooded the room. After a number of minutes, he lowered the file and stared out the window, a mix of disbelief and exuberance flooded into his eyes as he studied his reflection for several seconds.
Suddenly a wave of anger swept through the hazel stare that he fixed on McCoy, as if he was the cause to his immediate ire. "She knew all this time and never said a word to anyone."
"I haven't got a clue if she did or didn't tell anyone, Jim. I was only going over the request to return for duty because I was the one who originally went over her medical files when she first came aboard the 'Enterprise'. Anything other than that, I don't know about other than what's in her file now," McCoy said, the concern in his voice taking away a small percentage from the words of defense he used. "For all either one of us knows, the entire planet of Vulcan has known for the last fifteen years. You know how they can be at times. One of them may have a minuscule secret that they share with everyone else on the planet, but they'll be buggered if they'll let any of the rest of us know, even if it involves one of us illogical types. Let's not forget how long Spock kept that little fact about Sybok from us, before we met the man. Whatever reason Saavik had, I'm sure it's logical to her and the others. I can't help but think that Sarek and Amanda knew as well, which I realize doesn't mean they needed to be blabbing to you about it all. But..." Hesitating, McCoy fixed his emotion-filled eyes on his own reflection within the glass. "Damn it, Jim. I don't know, maybe it has to do with what went on in the past with Carol or what I've gotten to discover myself with Joanna and the grandkids; I just thought you should at least know that you had a grandson."
His gaze drifting down to the file he still held in his hand, Kirk found that he nearly destroyed it in his flash of rage and slowly unclenched his fist to let the file barely unravel. He knew exactly how it felt, as he suddenly moved from the window and tossed it on the coffee table a few feet away.
"What is it, Bones? What is it about me, that others seem to find a need to hide things from me? Am I some type of monster that I can't even recognize after all these years?" he asked as he threw himself on the couch and began to rub his tired eyes with the heels of his hands, before looking over at the Doctor again. "Was there a time that I changed and missed it?"
Still standing at the window, McCoy gazed at his long time friend with half- hidden ruefulness, then shot a quick look back out at the night sky, already mentally kicking himself for deciding to do this now instead of waiting when the man wouldn't be spending a couple of days on his own.
Sighing, he slowly moved toward the couch and paused on the other side of the coffee table, gazing emphatically down at Kirk. "You became a legend, Jim. A walking, talking, breathing three dimensional living legend. Something that you don't see happening until it's done. And let's face it Jim, you above anyone else knows that it isn't the charmed existence we've been lead to believe when you find yourself facing life afterwards, alone or with the ghosts that follow you. Maybe that's what Carol foresaw how many years ago? And that could possibly be part of the reason neither Saavik nor Spock has said anything. A father, a grandfather who is the greatest figure to come out of Starfleet is a very tempting set of footsteps to follow in for a young man."
Kirk said nothing as he glared sullenly past the Doctor, wondering if he was the only one who hadn't seen how his life was going to end up. All his life had been spent for Starfleet, chasing the stars and receiving what for a reward at the end of his decades of travel? Emptiness of every shape and form. It was not what one was told about when signing up for your first mission with plans to protect the universe with your life and those of your crew when the need arose.
"Listen Jim, I've got to get going. I have a pile of files to go through for next week, and I'd like to get a start tonight so I can spend some time with the grandkids during the weekend." Breaking into Kirk's dismal thoughts, McCoy glanced at his wrist chronometer then gave his friend a final worried look. "Jim, before you do anything, take a little time to think about everything."
The scowl that swept over Kirk's face when he met the steady concerned blue gaze expressed little to comfort the Doctor. "Considering I have all the time in the universe these days Bones, I'll take your suggestion under advisement."
It was the Doctor's turn to frown. "Jim. I just..."
The exhaustion filled Kirk's face again as his gaze fell to the crumpled file on the coffee table. "I know, Bones, and try not to worry about me. I'm not technically your responsibility any more."
"Until one of us is dead you are going to need me to be responsible for you. I'll see ya next week, Jim," called McCoy as he headed out the apartment door, leaving Kirk alone once more.
A number of silent minutes went by as Kirk remained motionless on the couch, gaze still resting on the half destroyed file. Finally he retrieved it, then propped his feet on the edge of the coffee table and started flattening the file out on his knee while re-reading the wrinkled words again.
As he did so, he thought over the words McCoy had said and came to one conclusion immediately. As of now, he was already dead.
Captain James T. Kirk, the man who had taken Starfleet where it never been before and prevented what may have been the utter collapse of the Federation four years earlier at Camp Khitomer, was in truth nothing more than a tawdry icon these days.
A bitter realization that had slapped him in the face after the last eight months of being dragged kicking and spitting to every christening for every ship that was Miranda class and up, ready to leave the McKinley Station. All that was necessary of him any more, it seemed, was to stand on the bridge of the ship, force a painful smile on his face for the news crews, and give the obligatory 'Take us out' command followed by the polite applause of another job well done. It had a downward spiraling effect on a man who had spent his life chasing the stars for an idea and organization that he had basically handed over his soul and heart to. Now he found their gratitude toward all he had done disheartening and unpalatable.
Here he stood; the man who could've claimed that he literally had the universe by the tail only a few years ago, now a tin icon with nothing in his life to keep him going. Even the friends he had, closer than family, were slipping away.
Chekov was now within reach of getting his own ship after too many years of being overlooked by Command. Uhura was using all her time as an instructor for the Academy, even touring the other branches spread throughout Federation space. Sulu had his own ship, the Excelsior, and was in the fourth year of his second tour with her and its crew that had the possibility of giving the 'Enterprise's' original crew a run for its money. And Scotty had finally retired after fifty-two years of service, only to die in a tragic crash aboard a transport ship on its way to the Norpin Colony. A colony developed as a retirement center, a fact that disturbed Kirk no end when he considered permanently retiring from time to time. Such as now.
He did see McCoy every now and then, since the Doctor had chosen to remain a part of Starfleet after Khitomer and was overseeing the medical branch of the Academy. Yet their meetings were few and far between, with McCoy spending as much free time as he could with Joanna and his grandkids.
Even Spock had managed to surprise him, though not with his choice of remaining in Starfleet. That decision had been expected by everyone, including Ambassador Sarek, who had even exhibited some pleasure at his son's choice of stepping into a diplomatic role instead of returning to the bridge of the 'Enterprise'.
Spock had accomplished more than find a useful place for himself in Starfleet; he had found something that Kirk had lost and never regained even when his chances fell at his feet. Spock had found himself a family waiting when he had returned to Vulcan five years ago to marry Saavik and adopt her son Taavi as his own.
A wife and a son, two things that Kirk at one time had come close to having then lost in one fell and devastating swoop on the surface of the Genesis planet at the end of a Klingon dagger. David was dead; Carol had being doing everything possible to keep him from coming back into her life afterwards, before remarrying and taking a position on another independent science station. Leaving him to ponder alone, if any one of the three of them had, together or separate accomplished anything other than destroy one life and mangle two others beyond repair.
Behind him the chimes announced a late hour visitor, snapping Kirk back to his somber reality as he stared at his reflection in the window before half turning toward the door. Scowling he shot a quick look at the clock on the shelves along the wall and noted the time was well past midnight, when the chimes softly rang out again.
"Come," he finally said, then moved to gaze back out at the lighted outline of Golden Gate Bridge, somehow knowing who was impatiently waiting on the other side of the door.
Hesitating in the doorway, Dr. Leonard McCoy glanced around the dark apartment until his eyes fell on Kirk's frame in front of the picture windows over looking the bay. Without a word, he stepped into the apartment, frowning worriedly at his friend's lack of greeting of any kind.
"Jim?" he quietly said as he slowly moved through the apartment toward Kirk.
Moving his head enough to watch the Doctor approach from the corner of his eye, Kirk took in a deep breath before replying. "I thought you we're heading back to Atlanta for the weekend?"
"I am," McCoy said, coming up beside Kirk to give the landscape a look as well. "Before I left my office this evening something came across my desk that honestly, Jim, I wasn't sure about showing you."
The tone in McCoy's voice gave evidence to the inner turmoil he had gone through in making his decision before coming to Jim's apartment, and it made Kirk give the man a sharp look.
Meeting his friend's hard hazel stare, McCoy retrieved a hard copy of a file from within the jacket he wore and handed it over to Kirk. "I still can't say that I'm doing the right thing, considering it hasn't been accepted by Starfleet yet, but something told me I couldn't sit by and not let you know. Otherwise, it was sorta like history repeating itself, to my way of thinking."
Slightly bewildered by what McCoy was saying, Kirk took the file from the man as he ordered the overhead lights on at level three and began to read as the soft glow flooded the room. After a number of minutes, he lowered the file and stared out the window, a mix of disbelief and exuberance flooded into his eyes as he studied his reflection for several seconds.
Suddenly a wave of anger swept through the hazel stare that he fixed on McCoy, as if he was the cause to his immediate ire. "She knew all this time and never said a word to anyone."
"I haven't got a clue if she did or didn't tell anyone, Jim. I was only going over the request to return for duty because I was the one who originally went over her medical files when she first came aboard the 'Enterprise'. Anything other than that, I don't know about other than what's in her file now," McCoy said, the concern in his voice taking away a small percentage from the words of defense he used. "For all either one of us knows, the entire planet of Vulcan has known for the last fifteen years. You know how they can be at times. One of them may have a minuscule secret that they share with everyone else on the planet, but they'll be buggered if they'll let any of the rest of us know, even if it involves one of us illogical types. Let's not forget how long Spock kept that little fact about Sybok from us, before we met the man. Whatever reason Saavik had, I'm sure it's logical to her and the others. I can't help but think that Sarek and Amanda knew as well, which I realize doesn't mean they needed to be blabbing to you about it all. But..." Hesitating, McCoy fixed his emotion-filled eyes on his own reflection within the glass. "Damn it, Jim. I don't know, maybe it has to do with what went on in the past with Carol or what I've gotten to discover myself with Joanna and the grandkids; I just thought you should at least know that you had a grandson."
His gaze drifting down to the file he still held in his hand, Kirk found that he nearly destroyed it in his flash of rage and slowly unclenched his fist to let the file barely unravel. He knew exactly how it felt, as he suddenly moved from the window and tossed it on the coffee table a few feet away.
"What is it, Bones? What is it about me, that others seem to find a need to hide things from me? Am I some type of monster that I can't even recognize after all these years?" he asked as he threw himself on the couch and began to rub his tired eyes with the heels of his hands, before looking over at the Doctor again. "Was there a time that I changed and missed it?"
Still standing at the window, McCoy gazed at his long time friend with half- hidden ruefulness, then shot a quick look back out at the night sky, already mentally kicking himself for deciding to do this now instead of waiting when the man wouldn't be spending a couple of days on his own.
Sighing, he slowly moved toward the couch and paused on the other side of the coffee table, gazing emphatically down at Kirk. "You became a legend, Jim. A walking, talking, breathing three dimensional living legend. Something that you don't see happening until it's done. And let's face it Jim, you above anyone else knows that it isn't the charmed existence we've been lead to believe when you find yourself facing life afterwards, alone or with the ghosts that follow you. Maybe that's what Carol foresaw how many years ago? And that could possibly be part of the reason neither Saavik nor Spock has said anything. A father, a grandfather who is the greatest figure to come out of Starfleet is a very tempting set of footsteps to follow in for a young man."
Kirk said nothing as he glared sullenly past the Doctor, wondering if he was the only one who hadn't seen how his life was going to end up. All his life had been spent for Starfleet, chasing the stars and receiving what for a reward at the end of his decades of travel? Emptiness of every shape and form. It was not what one was told about when signing up for your first mission with plans to protect the universe with your life and those of your crew when the need arose.
"Listen Jim, I've got to get going. I have a pile of files to go through for next week, and I'd like to get a start tonight so I can spend some time with the grandkids during the weekend." Breaking into Kirk's dismal thoughts, McCoy glanced at his wrist chronometer then gave his friend a final worried look. "Jim, before you do anything, take a little time to think about everything."
The scowl that swept over Kirk's face when he met the steady concerned blue gaze expressed little to comfort the Doctor. "Considering I have all the time in the universe these days Bones, I'll take your suggestion under advisement."
It was the Doctor's turn to frown. "Jim. I just..."
The exhaustion filled Kirk's face again as his gaze fell to the crumpled file on the coffee table. "I know, Bones, and try not to worry about me. I'm not technically your responsibility any more."
"Until one of us is dead you are going to need me to be responsible for you. I'll see ya next week, Jim," called McCoy as he headed out the apartment door, leaving Kirk alone once more.
A number of silent minutes went by as Kirk remained motionless on the couch, gaze still resting on the half destroyed file. Finally he retrieved it, then propped his feet on the edge of the coffee table and started flattening the file out on his knee while re-reading the wrinkled words again.
As he did so, he thought over the words McCoy had said and came to one conclusion immediately. As of now, he was already dead.