Alert: for Major Panic attack and PTSD-flashbacks with disassociation
Chapter 11
The heat wasn't letting up and soon enough they were all but staggering along the road. Daryl, Maggie and Sasha had searched for water but every creek had dried up, not leaving even a rivulet of water.
Their situation was getting more and more dire. An excited tingling sensation pulled Harry out of his light slumber.
Something was going to happened it didn't feel threatening per se… not like Terminus or Grady… But his magic was humming in giddy trembling anticipation for something right to happen. It felt like bees were dancing under his skin.
In front of the group was a small pallet of water bottles on top of it a note "From a Friend".
It was highly suspicious in a world like this; strangers weren't friends any longer by a rule. It had everyone's hackles raised.
Everyone's but Harry's.
The usual uneasy foreboding was still missing… How curious!
"Rick, I think it might be ok…" The teen tried to get through to their agitated leader who was in full fight and protection mode with no avail. None of them were ready to do this leap of faith to an unknown faceless stranger. Rick went as far as to knock one bottle out of Eugene's hand when the genius tried to act as a food tester for them all.
Eugene feels still guilty for lying about the cure thing… He too thinks he isn't contributing enough to the group.
And then Harry felt it a slight change…
The first rain drops started to fall on them.
A drop of air pressure… a new humidity… a rumbling from far away…
The prickling feeling of electricity…
A storm was brewing.
"Uhm.. guys?" Harry poked Abraham's biceps to get his attention but they were all busy enjoying the pouring rain.
"Guys!"
"What's wrong short stuff? We need to collect all the water we can." Abraham grumbled good-naturedly.
"I think we need to get going. Fast! That's not just a bit of rain… Just look!"
Rick and Daryl turned in the direction Harry was pointing. Big grey could be seen starting to build up, towering all over the forbidding sky.
"Fuck!" Loud thunder nearly drowned their cursing out. Everyone scrambled to their feet.
"There's a barn." Daryl shouted over the noise.
The wooden barn was old but spacious. It was dark and dusty inside, the stuffy smell of years of disuse prominent in the air. The only thing left, was crippled walker… a woman that had held on as long as she could.
A woman that had onto hope and where had it left her…? Harry thought cynic.
They were all soaked to the bones. They were weary and hungry.
Judi was grumpy and unhappy. Beth tried to settle the little girl but she just whined and made grabby hands for Harry.
Only half awake and dazed by a rising fever Harry took her and laid her between himself and Carl. Chills and fever still raged through his body and being soaked definitely hadn't helped his health issues.
He was listening with half an ear to the adults. They discussed how they expected Carl to bounce back from the ordeal like none of them could.
If he had been so tried he would have argued that this was adaptation not bouncing back… No one would be able to just bounce back from what they went through.
That growing up like this wasn't easier, it was basic survival!
This was the world, at least for now! And Glenn was right, this was their reality now and they all had to face that.
These where the hands they're given.
Future would be what they would create out of that despite everything.
With the light of their small fire on his face Rick told them all a story.
"When I was a kid, I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer. He said that was grown-up stuff, so I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him.
But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, 'Rest in peace. Now get up, and go to war.' And then after a few years of pretending he was dead, he made it out alive…"
He is right. I was dead the moment I was captured by Voldemort. And I died every day after. I wasn't alive for a long time…
It was them that woke me up again.
"…That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in D.C., I know we'll be OK, because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead." Rick concluded.
"No, we ain't them."
To Harry's surprise, it was Daryl that didn't agree with this mind set of numbing themselves against the world. On other side he had already learned that the man had a much bigger emotional range than his gruff exterior might imply. The hunter was in fact a very sensitive person. It made him one of the strongest and simultaneously one of the most fragile people Harry had met. It said a lot about one's inner strength to refuse oneself the calming effect of dissociation to face up to your feelings and reality.
He liked that about Daryl!
Harry watched as his friend paced through the barn until suddenly the familiar feeling of a foreboding slammed into him sending a spike of adrenalin through his body.
Looking to the front part of the barn he saw that Daryl, too, looked intensely at the door, as it swung slightly only loosely held together by a chain. A look of concentration on the hunter's frowning face…
Listening...
Harry sprung onto his feet startling everyone around the fire. Without thinking he ran to Daryl and all but threw himself against wooden door.
And only now Harry heard them over the thunder and lightning… groaning… loudly… many!
Shite! Shite!
Slated blue eyes widened in shocked surprise when they locked gazes. Without hesitation Daryl pushed all his body weight again the door next to Harry.
The dead were on their doorstep and the old creaking barn wouldn't shelter them against the storm and the onslaught of the walkers.
We're going to be overrun! Harry tried his hardest to remain calm, to swallow his rising panic. His magic was fluctuating under his skin, rippling in waves, wanting to protect, waiting to be used again.
Next to Harry, Maggie had positioned herself. Sasha had taken the place next to Daryl. Realizing over the mounting racket what was going on the rest of the group spurned into action. With united forces they tried to keep the dead out.
The pressure of unused magic increased tenfold.
Merlin, please, please, please!
Excruciating pain bloomed over Harry's chest nearly taking his breath away. The tattoos on his writs burned like fire. Clenching his eyes shut and balling his fists he tried to block out the pain just concentrating on holding his place.
Just Merlin please let me hold out. These people saved me! They brought me back to life! I don't want them to die!
SNAP!
It felt like something broke in him. He was burning alive! He was freezing to death. He got built up. He got ripped to pieces.
LET THE DOOR HOLD!
PLEASE!
Fuck!
For one terrible moment he had thought that the green eyed boy had died. Daryl had watched in shocked worry as Harry crumbled to the ground. The kid hadn't even made a sound.
He had just dropped… silently.
… Deathly pale…
…Not moving…
And then he had seen the nearly unnoticeable rising and falling of the kid's chest.
Only then his own heart had started beating again… Harry was alive! Thank fuck!
In his shock he hadn't noticed it right away but it felt like the pushing on the other side of the door had let up.
The groaning wasn't as loud anymore… maybe the worst was over.
Seemed like he wasn't the only one noticing Rick and the other had stopped pushing, too and were gathering their breaths now.
They were safe for now.
Carol and Beth rushed to Harry carefully checking the little Brit over, feeling his forehead grey haired woman pulled her hand back with a hiss.
"Damn, he's burning up! That's not good at all."
Fucking shit!
"We need to keep him warm. And we need to apply a cold compress… We don't have anything else." Carol sighed in resignation. "And we need someone to keep watch over him, in case…"
Daryl crouched next to Harry tenderly stroking dirty sweat soaked hair out of the kid's face. He seemed to be in pain and it tore at Daryl's heart. He didn't want to think about Carol's insinuation, but…
Maybe we've been selfish ta drag him alon' this far… This ain't what he want wanted.
These dark thoughts weighted heavy on the hunter. Now that there was a realistic chance that Harry could die… He wanted to rage and curse to force Carol to save the kid no matter what, because… because….
Daryl started to draw his hand away but Harry let out a little whimper face crunching up. The frail British teen chased his touch and the little comfort it gave him.
…because I can't bring maself ta kill him.
I just can't…
Well, that could have gone better. I'm just glad that Eric let me go alone to meet them…
Aaron's jaw ached terribly where Rick had hit him with his right hook. He could understand cautiousness but damn, Rick was fucking badass, all hard edges and cold determination.
He was suspicious of everything that the scout said and while Aaron's training usually came in handy when he needed to convince the person in front of him not to punch his lights out. But this case had been different, the more he tried to be friendly, open and non-threating, the more Rick appeared to be on the edge.
The bearded man just refused to believe anything Aaron said…
These people were a tight knit group, they were survivors that had still enough humanity in them to form such close bonds…
It showed in the way they had cared for the sick boy, their refusal to leave him behind. That was what had convinced Eric and him to invite them.
But they were survivors and there was a chilling feralization to them all that betrayed the horrors they all had endured to get here.
Rick had send to groups out. One group to find his car and another to scout the area looking for further threats and his partner… Eric.
That had left Aaron with Rick, Baby Judith, an unconscious teen and the delightful promise of a knife to the back of his scull shouldn't Rick's people be back in a hour. Aaron didn't doubt those words for a second. He just prayed that they would be back soon and that Eric was ok.
With every minute ticking by, Rick didn't backed off an inch and it got even worse when the little girl's grumbling developed to full out crying, in what was obviously hunger.
And Aaron had no problem in admitting that he started sweating at the baby's loud noises... She would attract roamers to them.
And he was still bound he and helpless. It had been a long time since Aaron had been in such a tight spot.
Rick was trying to grind some nuts with his colt's handle for the baby, when the frail boy in the corner woke up. He had been sleeping in a cocoon of blankets and other fabrics. His raven hair was long and unkempt falling in wild disarray around his pale face… a very pretty face Aaron noticed. But his most fascinating feature was a pair of big bright green eyes. If Aaron remembered correctly the others had called him Harry.
"Rick? What happened?" The scout was still surprised every time when he heard the British accent. The teen rubbed his chest with a wince.
"Harry, stay there! You had a fever last night." Rick growled back.
"Uhmm…yeah, I remember the storm..." Ignoring Rick's protest Harry scrabbled round until he had managed to bring himself into a sitting position and squinted at Rick and Aaron in obvious confusion and concern.
Slowly the boy took notice of the things around him, his tense leader, the crying child and Aaron bound and bruised.
"Rick, give Judi to me. You're too tense she can sense your unease. You're just working her even more up. And then you can grind some hazelnuts for her." The teen finally sighed and held his arms out to Rick and the baby girl.
Rick looked a bit embarrassed at being called out but didn't argue with the British teen, dutifully handing over the babe.
Aaron watched in awe how the small teen handled the baby girl with a gentle calmness, settling her against his knees, cooing nonsense to her. After that her loud wailing died down considerably to small sniffles.
"You see already better, isn't it pumpkin? You're such a sweet little princes." The raven hair boy praised the tiny girl and cuddled her close.
It might be stupid but Aaron got the impression that the little one seemed a bit smug when she snuggled deeper into Harry's embrace.
And when he took Rick's fond indignation into account then he wasn't the only one.
"I swear to god she likes you best. And that's she only making a fuss to get to snuggle with you."
"I always knew you were a prankster in the making" The British boy laughed tugging softly on a blond curl.
Oh god, that's so adorable! And holy hell no one should be this pretty when they're sweaty and dirty. Damn Aaron Raleigh, get a grip you're not perving on a teenaged boy! Eric would tell you that you're being creepy.
"I have a jar of applesauce in my bag." Aaron babbled out, partly to keep the little girl happy and partly to stop his brain from thinking stupid things. A pair of hard and cold blue eyes and a softer pair of bright green one bore into him.
Great! Maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut.
"And who might you be?" Harry inquired curiously.
"Uhm…My name is Aaron. I'm from a community nearby. … We want you to audition?! I'm a scout." Aaron couldn't help it he was even more nervous than before. Those impossible big green eyes seemed to strip his soul naked, weighting his truthfulness and his worth. He never felt anything like this before.
The sickly teen cocked his head to the side and scanned him.
"It's awful risky to approach such big group of strangers… all on your own." Raising one fine black eyebrow the teen seemed to be unfeigned intrigued by the whole thing.
"Uhm… my partner and I followed your group for a while before we decided to approach you…"
"Oh, you're the friend that left us the water, aren't you?" Harry cooed at the baby pocking her nose in the process, making her giggle at his silly voice.
"That was a nice gesture, wasn't it pumpkin? Yes, it was!" Tickling the bouncing girl in his lap Harry peered at the scout from the corner of his eyes.
"But friendliness from faceless strangers makes us so very suspicious now a day. Out there you can't trust so easily… That gets people killed or worse."
Aaron shivered against his will despite or maybe because of the still cooing voice these words sounded somewhat sinister.
"He brought us photos of their community…" Rick admitted reluctantly.
"Hmmm…hmm… And? What do you think about it?" Harry asked patiently.
"Sounds too good to be true. Could be a trap!" The former sheriff grumbled into his beard, his blue eyes already judging and condemning Aaron as a liar and a threat.
"So you punched him and fettered him?" Green eyes peered over blond locks at Rick. The teen voice was soft and neutral to the Alexandrian scout but Rick flushed a little, looking rebuked.
"Yes, better to be safe than sorry. It was all too suspicious! And he smiled all the time even after I decked him in the face! I have a bad feeling about this." Now the bearded man was rambling, obviously feeling the need to justify his actions.
"What did Michonne say to this?" The frail teen hummed.
"She wants to give it a try." It sounded… petulant. Harry seemed to think so too because he made an accepting noise nodding to his leader with a small knowing smirk on his face. And Aaron had to look at the floor to hide the smile that threatened to break over his face.
"I don't have a bad feeling about this." Harry casually informed Rick… to Aaron it seemed like a banal thing to say, but apparently not to Rick. The man did a double take at the boy who calmly held the steely gaze.
"You don't?" Rick asked with a frown.
A small soft smile and a light shake of his head. "No, I don't."
Rick whipped his head around to stare at Aaron again but this time he seemed more open and a little less hard headed about his inspection.
Hopefully that was a good sign…
"You're sure?" Rick pressed on still sounding doubtful.
"Yes, I'm sure. He seems to be earnest. And even back with the water I had a good inkling." Harry nodded.
It was fascinating to see how the tensions bleed out of the bearded man, leaving only a tired and haggard looking man behind. A man torn between the fight of hope and the need for caution and cold aggression.
A man that had lost a lot and was ready to do anything to ensure the survival of his group.
A dangerous man.
"Uhm… do want the applesauce for her? It's in my backpack." Aaron asked again, when all the cuddling in the world couldn't divert the baby form her hunger any longer.
"I think that would be a good thing, Rick. She has been too long without any real food." Harry implored to the exhausted father.
Rick face clouded over… again.
But after a long shared gaze with Harry, he nodded and started to rummage around in the backpack. When he brought the applesauce to light, he screwed the glass open. After a last distrustful sniff, he went to Aaron, forcefully offering the first spoon.
"Here, you first!" More a growl than a command.
Shit! God just no… Aaron already felt nauseous. He hated applesauce! He couldn't help himself, moving away from the spoon in instinct. He earned himself a dark frown and a face resembling a thunder cloud.
Damn this suspicious man!
"You think that I would try to poison your baby daughter? I'm tied up and you already expressed a willingness to stab me in the head. How would cruelly killing your daughter right in front of you help the situation in any way?" Aaron tried to reason with the growling papa bear. Sweat was pouring down the scout's face and his voice had gained an octave…
So yeah, he was panicking… not because he got punched, tied up or threatened… oh no… he panicked because of fucking applesauce!
And like a predator Rick sensed and probably smelled his fear.
"Maybe she doesn't die. Maybe she gets sick and you're the only one who can help her. And I just lose!"
"I'm the only one, who can help her because I have applesauce! And we all win."
I just don't want to eat it myself!
Rick wasn't letting up shoving the spoon again in his face.
"Mommy loves you, baby! It'll make you manlier and then we'll be a family again."
Even the smell reminded him of his mother's old kitchen how she had bound him to the kitchen chair, force-feeding him with everything she knew he hated. Always hoping that it would make him stronger. If he closed his eyes now he would still see her slightly crazed expression, while reassuring him that he didn't have to be queer, that she could cure him… And then daddy would come home to them when Aaron was a normal boy again.
"I hate applesauce. My mom used to make me eat foods, I didn't like to make me more manly. Salmon patties, applesauce and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnest. I…"
God he could see it in those cold blue eyes that he shouldn't expect mercy for his fear of fucking applesauce! Aaron really tried fighting down his nausea and old panic.
God, please don't let me cry!
"Rick, I think you can stop bullying him now. I believe him. That's not the kind of story you fake easily. Just look at him!" Harry quipped up from behind them startling both adults out of their tense interaction.
"What? I… I'm not bullying him!" Rick squeaked, ears burning red. Again a long meaningful look was exchanged between the man and the boy before Rick relaxed noticeably and finally took the offending spoon away from his face.
Aaron slumped over in relief, his bindings the only thing holding him upright.
"Good, if you're done harassing the poor man, give me that applesauce and so I can feed this little hellion here." Harry grinned happily at them.
I like the kid. Aaron decided.
Rick was a bloody insane control freak, Harry decided grumbling.
When the others had come back to confirm everything Aaron had told them, Rick had revealed to them that Harry had a good feeling about Aaron and the community. The relive that message had unleashed in the group was humbling to the teen. It showed how much they had come to trust him and his instincts.
And despite all that Rick had wanted to control, how they would arrive in the community. So they had been driving in two groups, on an unknown road, that wasn't cleared from walkers, to a still unknown destination, in the bloody dark night! Harry wanted to throw his arms up in exasperation.
This was bound to go wrong from the start!
After checking his temperature Daryl had loaded Harry into a caravan and bundled him up in a mountain of blankets and told him to sit tight. The hunter had still looked a bit spooked by his anew collapse. Worried but mostly silently fussing over him again and again, frowning and grousing at the teen whenever he had tried to stand up on his own.
Harry had seldom felt so useless but if he was honest he was incredibly exhausted…
The fever, the hunger and that incredibly painful magical backlash had drained him terribly. Especially the last one…
My magic… something gave away in me… And it felt like my magic had reacted.
And it had definitely looked like it. The area around the barn had looked like a battleground. Fallen trees and dead walkers everywhere. At least some of the broken wood should have fallen on the barn, but… nothing. Nothing had touched the barn. Maggie said that it looked like a sign of faith but Harry saw something else… accidental magic.
It had reacted to his plight.
And the seal punished me for it…! Even the skin around the tattoos looks inflamed now…
The pain had felt frightening close to being crucioed.
Even the effects seemed to be somewhat similar. The longer he was awake the more he noticed a light uncontrollable trembling in his hands and arms.
And if Daryl's overprotective hovering was an indication the hunter had seen it too…
So Harry resigned to himself to his fate and rested his body, without too much complaining.
Then happened, what had to happen they literally ran into a huge group of walkers, and what a bloody mess that was.
In the commotion they lost the car with Rick, Michonne, Glenn and Aaron…
It was dark! They had lost contact with three group members and the scout who should bring them to a potential safe haven.
A scout who had told Rick in no uncertain words that this route was too dangerous! And now they had driven right into a herd of the dead.
Merlin help! It was infuriating!
Harry's grumblings about hard-headed, reckless leaders were interrupted by the bright light of an emergency flare.
For a moment he saw himself back in the dark maze of the third task sending red lights in to the air for Victor. He shivered when he thought about that night and what he had lost back then…
Cedric's dead eyes wide in surprise … a high cruel laugh … the smell of fire … blood and burning flesh…
"Harry?!" Carl's concerned voice ripped him out of his memories. "Are you alright?"
Trying to shake of his haunting intrusions, the older teen concentrated on taking calming breaths before he nodded carefully.
"Yeah… just far away, you know?"
Carl didn't look quite convinced that the British teen was really alright. His mouth was pressed into a thin line and his bright blue eyes moved anxious over Harry's face.
Usually this much fussing left the older teen uncomfortable in irrational guilt and shame like he got something really, really good that he didn't deserve. Even with Hermine and Mrs. Weasley who he had known for years and who he loved whole heartedly there was always a little uneasiness left.
But here with Carl he only felt giddy warmth that swelled in his tight chest and brought tears to his eyes.
Family! He had found a family in the end of the world.
"Don't worry, Carl! It's going to be ok. Let's see what the others are thinking about the emergency flare."
Hoping to find Rick and the others, they decided to follow the flare signal but on the end of the rainbow they didn't find their friends but someone else.
A slender man with faire skin and auburn locks that had been trapped under a car by the herd. And while looks might be deceiving on occasion, the poor guy didn't look to be a fighter. The dead had tried to get to him and it seemed like they had ended up pushing the car's tire onto his ankle and breaking it in the process.
They had found the shooter of the signal and Aaron's partner. Eric Raleigh.
The man introduced himself very nervously, but with the same forward politeness that Aaron had shown them. And Harry couldn't fault him for being on the edge around them… Merlin, Daryl and Abraham alone looked threatening enough on their own but neither were the women of the group something to laugh at. If one cared to look closely enough, one could easily sense the liquid steel running through their veins.
On top of that Eric had to know that they had… well there was no better word for it… kidnaped his partner.
Swiftly Daryl, Noah and Sasha took care of the dead surrounding the injured man, while Maggie and Ab pulled him free.
As they were all pretty sure that the other group had seen the signal, too, they decided to wait for them and hunker down in a garage building along Route 16.
While the adults secured the place, Noah and Beth made sure to settle Carl, Judi and Harry into a corner of the garage, where Maggie had started to treat Eric's injury. The man braved through the process with minimum fussing and gritted teeth. His ankle was obviously broken. Maggie braced the fracture a good as possible and tried to distract the soft spoken man with casual chatting.
All of the nights excitement had upset little Judi, making her squirm in unhappiness just short of full out crying. So Harry and Beth had taken to singing to her in hushed calm tones.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"
Harry found that singing to Judi settled something deep inside in him, too. At the same time in woke a familiar wondering longing in him. Sometimes in the last weeks he had started to wonder if his mom or his dad had sung to him as a babe. And if they did what songs they had chosen…?
With Judi sleeping soundly and contend in his arms he looked up, to find the auburn haired man starring at him in soft surprise. Maybe it was surprising, to see two people singing a baby to sleep… There weren't a lot of comforting things left out here considering the state of the world. And their whole rag tacked group sure looked closer to wild beasts than a tender nurturing family.
Harry had surely been more than surprised to find that any kind of compassion had survived the apocalypse.
In Eric's face laid a friendly gentleness when he regarded them, causing a warm feeling in Harry's cheeks that made him lower his head in slight embarrassment.
A sudden racket outside the garage heralded the arrival of their missing group members.
With a bang the garage door was ripped open and a ruffled and shaken looking Aaron stormed in to the room. "Eric?!"
"I'm ok. It's like a volleyball injurie. It's a broken ankle. It's what Maggie said. I like her." Eric greeted the other scout in nervous relief.
Wide blue grey eye drunk in the sight of Eric with his popped up ankle, the man that had been so well versed with words before seemed to be struggling now.
And while Aaron had been mostly calm and friendly before like nothing could break through his carefully crafted polite composure… except applesauce… Now he oozed panic and desperate fear for his partner.
It felt so intimate that Harry felt the need to look away.
"It's not a big deal." Eric tried to reassure the visibly distraught Aaron. "I'll just go right to Pete when we're back."
For a moment Aaron hovered over the broken ankle looking heartbreakingly anguished over the injurie, before literally throwing himself at his Eric… for desperate kiss…
Kissing. The two men were not just partners in the flied… They were a couple.
They were gay.
They had sex with other men. They wanted to have sex with men….
Oh… OH!
All air left Harry's lungs. Chest constricting painfully. A familiar light headedness took over.
He couldn't see anymore. Black and with dots dancing before his eyes.
He couldn't hear anything over the dull drumming of his rising blood pressure.
He couldn't feel his body any longer. Everything was numb.
He was losing control over his mind. Incoherent thoughts and flashbacks mixing.
Gay… sex…
The soured smell of unwashed men… Rancid taste on his tongue… The slapping sounds when skin met skin… lustful groaning… degrading slurs
"Bitch!" … "I claimed ya." … "Suck me! Make it good"… "The only thing you're good for."
The feeling of rough hands grapping, touching and hurting him…
Len pushing into to him… Ripping him apart… Tearing him to pieces…
Laughing at his cries…
Beating him… Carving his claim into his back…
Pain… Pain… PAIN!
His hearing came back first…
"Harry…?"
"Harry!"
"Damn, HARRY!"
Voices were calling his name… He knew these voices. It wasn't Len… It wasn't any of the Claimers.
No, the voices were familiar in a comfortable way… secure… warm…
Uneven ragged, hysterical breaths interrupted with sobs filled the room.
My own… a distanced part of his brain filled in.
"Harry, come on, kiddo! Fucking breathe!"
Abe… Abraham was there!
"Good, hun! Breathe like that! In. And out! Just like that!"
Carol.
Very slowly he started to see again. And like always after a flashback he was surprised for a moment that the people surrounding where neither Deatheaters nor Claimers.
Blinking heavily he tried to see, taking in Carol's and Abraham's concerned expressions.
His head felt like it was filled with cotton candy, thoughts slow and muddled… gooey.
Where are we? What happened?
Confusion, fear, panic and numbness battled in him.
"Harry can you hear me?" Carol tried to keep him grounded now that he reacted at least a bit and Harry wanted to answer her, but all he could manage was a small nod.
Eyes flittering aimlessly other the small crowd… Carol, Abe, Carl, Beth and Noah supplied his foggy mind. Now that he seemed to be coming around they all inched a bit back giving him some space revealing Eric, Aaron, Daryl and Rick.
The two scouts were incredibly pale. While the auburn hair man looked mostly shocked, his partner had a pinched expression on his face. Aaron had stationed himself protective in front of his boyfriend and with good reason… Rick and Daryl were both glaring daggers at the two.
"What 'ave ya done or said ta him?" Daryl's voice was a low snarl. With his narrowed eyes he looked like a tiger ready to strike his prey down. Rick wasn't much better, stony mine, jaw tense and his blue eyes cold as ice. With his hand already on the handle of his Colt Cobra he vibrated in icy tension.
Gripping his own arms tightly Harry started to rock his upper body back and forth. The rhythm felt calming. He distantly remembered that he had done this as a small child when he lay sick and alone in his dark cupboard.
"We didn't do anything to him! We didn't speak or even looked at him!" Aaron was visibly angry over the accusation and there was a hint of disappointment in his voice when he said: "It's not our fault that the boy is a homophobe!"
"BOY!"
Inhaling sharply and Harry clenched his eyes shut under the new onslaught of panic and intrusions.
He could hear Daryl's threatening growl but again it started to sound farther away than a second ago.
The teen could feel the clammy cold fingers of his horrid memories clawing at his soul and heart, it felt like they were dragging him under water, taking his ability to breathe and think from him.
Merlin, please not again. Potter, get a grip or your nightmares will drown you forever.
It was a struggle to fight against flux of his panic, against the lulling promise of easy numbness and dissociation.
"W… Wai… Wait." Harry stuttered quietly rocking faster and with increasing momentum until he slammed the back of his head against the wall behind him again and again. He heard somebody curse beside him and frantic calls for his name.
But Harry relished in the pain. It cut through his haze like a sharp knife. And finally he felt like he was gaining at least some kind of awareness and control back.
Shivering and shaking Harry forced his eyes wide open trying to exhale, pressing used up air out of his lungs and gulping greedily for new air.
Get a grip! Here and now! Stay here and now! Where are you? What changed? What are the differences? You've done this before!
Gritting his teeth Harry forced himself to open his mouth but for a moment it felt like he had forgotten how to speak… No words were forming…
His demons were already lurking in the shadows of his mind, still too close, waiting to gain the upper hand back.
Pictures of abuse playing before his inner eye…
NO!
Again Harry slammed his head back against the wall with so much force that he saw stars for a moment but it helped him to hold onto reality.
He saw that Daryl was now a lot closer than before so he must have drifted off again.
The hunter had one hand stretched out to the British teen as if he wanted to keep Harry from hurting himself further. The expression on the man's face reminded him of Aaron when he had looked at Eric's ankle. It was the overwhelming anguish over seeing someone close to you hurt.
Looking his gaze with slated blue eyes Harry tried to ground himself and finally found his voice again.
"It's been 76 days since I've been last raped. " He heard a sharp inhale from somewhere but didn't break eye contact with the hunter, his grasp on reality still too fragile.
"I'm safe now."
Harry already felt a little more solid saying these things out loud. It always hurt to admit to his shame but at the same time, hearing himself say it out loud… That it was over now! It made also a little more real that he was safe. Even Daryl looked a lot calmer now, less tense and worried and grumbling agreed.
"Yeah, that yer are!"
Yes, there was there was an old promise in Daryl's eyes.
One Harry once had a hard time believing but now…
"They are dead. They can't get to me anymore. Rick, Michonne and Daryl killed them all."
Another grasp from somewhere.
The noise brought it back that there was still one big fear left to confront. Swallowing back panic and rising bile he forced himself to look at Aaron and Eric, not just to look but to try and see them for who they were. Not just some potential sexual predators…
He immediately noticed how close they were. How Aaron was holding one of Eric's hands the other arm draped around the slender man's shoulders.
A flashback of their desperate kiss brought a bit of the panic and tension back but Harry outright refused to bow to his fears like that…
He wanted, no he needed to be stronger than that.
Hold onto reality! See things for what they really are. Don't let your fear rule your perception and life!
"Y… You're not them. You're Aaron. You're a scout for your community. Your mom used to abuse you. Feeding you things you didn't like to make you more manly. You're… You… Shite!" He started to hyperventilate yet again…
He forced himself kept his eyes open and to keep looking at Aaron and Eric to keep track of their reaction. Aaron had stopped glaring at him but had gone ghostly pale, eyes wide in pity and compassion. Eric just looked sickened. Both had noticed Harry's struggle to go on and seemed confused what this was about.
"Please, tell me something about yourself… Just anything. I need to… need to see the difference. Please!" Harry hoped that they would get his plea, his need to differentiate them from his rapists.
Tears were running down Eric's face, when he started rambling.
"My name is Eric. Eric Raleigh. But you know that already… Uhm… I grew up in the Appalachian Mountains with my parents who worked on the land. I always like being outside and working in nature. But… But it wasn't a good place to be gay. People there don't like things that are out of the ordinary very much."
Like the Dursleys. His mind complied. You know what he's talking about. You know what it's like to be shunned for something you have no control about.
"My parents aren't… weren't bad people but they just couldn't accept me as I am… So I left."
He couldn't help himself being gay any more than I could stop being a wizard. Not without losing and hurting ourselves.
"I joined a NGO. And for the first time I met people who were like me who accepted me. I was free. I got to work with Aaron giving supplies to those living in the Niger River Delta. We fell in love back then. We've been together for five years now. We had a great condo in Washington, D.C… And… And I make some serious spaghetti…"
Harry hung on very word Eric told him tried to build a picture of the man before him when Aaron took over from his partner.
"I like photography. I have the tick to collecting memorabilia from the places I've visited. Eric hates it… he calls it hording which I assure you it definitely isn't. After the apocalypse, I began collecting license plates from each state. I hung them all on a wall in our house."
That sounds like Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.
"We have built a home for us in Alexandria. Eric is the love of my life and I don't know if I could live on without him."
They not like the Claimers. They are not like them. They are not like them!
I didn't have any warning forebodings about them. I could always trust my gut!
They love each other.
The Claimers only cared for themselves!
Gathering his courage Harry nodded at the two men.
"You're Aron and Eric. You're a couple. That you're gay doesn't … doesn't mean you're going to hurt me. It doesn't make you any more of a rapist than Rick or Daryl or any of the others. The men that hurt me weren't even interested in men just in a hole to use. And they're dead. They're dead." Harry forced himself to speak, to give his thoughts real words. Sweat was running down his spine.
"And we will kill anyone who thinks they can hurt you again, kiddo."
"Yeah, we've got ya back!"
Daryl and Abe promised with grim faces but the tension in the room had deflated or maybe it was just Harry.
And now that he was less tense and the last physical numbness was slowly leaving him, he could feel a deep ache in his bones and the burning pain of the tattoos on his wrists. He was still alive. He could face his fears and could come out on top.
He could prevail… He would prevail!
"Then become stronger for them! So their sacrifices won't be in vain."
"I want to be stronger. I refuse to fall prey to anyone else again, be it walker or men." After that came just exhaustion and darkness.
Aaron looked pensive at his sleeping boyfriend when Noah came in and offered him some Advil for his bruised face.
The day before had been draining for them all… The capture, the herd, Harry's panic attack. Aaron felt a heavy weight on his chest when he remembered the hysterical fear the boy had showed over his and Eric's kiss.
At first he had felt so angry and disappointed to be judged for their sexuality yet again. That even the end of the world had changed nothing about people's prejudices.
And then Daryl had gone all dirty, angry redneck at them. Combined with Rick's cold alpha male fury, Aaron had been sure this was just about a serious case of homophobia…
Until the British teen had disgorged that he had been raped…
"It's been 76 days since I've been last raped."
Last… the kid had said "last been raped" it implied clearly that it hadn't been a one-time assault. And apparently it hadn't been a single rapist…
"The men that hurt me weren't even interested in men just in a hole to use."
Men… not man, plural… this short sentence had revealed so much horror that Aaron wanted to hurl.
He remembered how much gay sex could hurt and escalate if partners didn't take the right care with each other. When he had been young and still trying to find himself in his sexuality, he had engaged in quite a few risky encounters until he met his first steady boyfriend. The man had been a few years older and had guided him carefully through his preferences. It had helped him to find security in his sex life, to learn what he like and what he didn't.
And most importantly he had learned that he didn't need to do anything he or his partner felt uncomfortable with just because others did it.
The raven hair teen looked young, maybe 14 or 15… Aaron had to bury his head in his hands, to see the kid battle his demons last night had been physical painful.
He understood the group's protectiveness to the boy a lot better now.
The pale, haggard face with impossible big green eye shining with panic and horrors, struggling to breathe would be forever burned in the back of his head.
And despite everything the kid had refused to bow to his emotions, had forced himself to face his fears, until he had been able to look at him and Eric and not seen his rapists.
It had felt humbling to witness this fight against an enemy no one else could see or fight but Harry.
Right now Harry lay on one of the benches in the front part of the RV fast asleep after last night's anxiety. The green eyed teen had passed out as soon as the adrenalin of his flashback had left him.
Daryl and Carl with Judith kept an eye out for the frail teen. It was surprising to see the rough redneck so gentle and caring with the three kids.
How sweet and effortlessly he handled the baby, how serious he took Carl, how he would check on Harry and tuck the blanket around him tighter or brushed wayward locks out of the boy's face.
There was an uncanny bond between these unlikely people.
It reassured Aaron that they had made the right decision to invite this group to Alexandria.