A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting this, I really wanted to get this out sooner but, God, this was hard to write. Tonally, and structurally, and everything. It's a miracle I'm actually pleased with it, and I hope you guys like it too! Thank you so much for reading, and I'd love to know your thoughts!
Eric woke up to a mouth as dry as sandpaper, his skull practically throbbing, and something heavy in chest. Defeat, shame, heartbreak, or a horrible combination of the three. It wasn't unfamiliar, the yawning, sinking feeling in his chest, but it was a feeling that he didn't let stick around. Whenever he started to feel depressed, or hopeless about anything, that buoyant voice in his mind that never let anything get the best of it would whisper there was always a solution, a loophole, a situation he could benefit from or exploit. Eric liked to think of it as optimism, others might have called it opportunistic. But this morning? He had nothing. Last night was a fucking atomic failure, leaving no traces of surviving hopes and chances. Eric would've leapt on them if any appeared, scuttling across the wasteland that was his relationship with Kyle. Although, did he really have the energy? After his plan had crashed and burned, after he had screamed at Kyle everything he knew, and felt, and believed, he just felt exhausted, and battered. This relentless pursuit would kill him if there was no end in sight.
He had stormed out of Token's house and marched home. He slammed his bedroom door shut hard enough for the walls to shake. Or maybe that was just him. Shaking with anger, and despair, and shock that he had actually fucking walked away from Kyle. It was a little exhilarating to be the one to walk away. That high didn't last for long, a tiny slither of sunlight before an eclipse. He trashed his room again, threw things at the wall, kicked over his chair. The déjà vu was crushing. He couldn't believe this had become a fucking routine, as if destroying his room, rearranging it and tossing it upside down would change his circumstances, throw his whole world into disarray, and force him and Kyle together. When he realised the futility of it all, he collapsed into bed and cried until he exhausted himself. He was sick of hearing himself cry. He was sick of Kyle prompting every tear. Surely there should be a limit to how many tears you're allowed to cry over a person? Kyle was hogging his entire fucking supply.
There was a timid knock at his bedroom door. Eric grumbled under his breath, and rolled onto his back.
"Eric?" his mom knocked again. "Poopsie? Are you up-"
"Yeah, I'm up!" he snapped, rubbing his aching eyes. "What do you want?"
"It's just that... I heard you come home last night. You were being very loud... I thought I heard you crying-"
"I'm fine, mom!" Eric replied, and he wasn't sure if he was flushed with annoyance or humiliation. "Just because I'm back home doesn't mean you can stick your nose in my business!"
"I wasn't trying to stick my nose in your business, sweetie! I'm just worried..." Her voice drifted off. Eric could imagine her frowning. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"God damn it, yes! I'm fine! Can you leave me alone now?!"
Really, what the fuck did it matter to her what was wrong? Eric thought. He was seething now.
Silence. Compliant, or deliberating Eric didn't know. He hadn't heard her footsteps down the corridor. Then, a sigh.
"Alright... you want me to make you some toasty chocolate nummers?"
Eric had opened his mouth with a more blunt, and profane response to get his mom to leave him alone, but he paused. His quick, enraged breaths started to mellow as he considered just how good toasty chocolate nummers sounded right now. He smiled, his dry mouth starting to water.
"Okay... thanks..."
He could only imagine the triumphant grin his mom had on her face. She knew she had won as soon as she suggested bringing him one of his favourite treats.
While he waited for his mom, Eric reached for his phone on the nightstand. A couple emails, Instagram and Snapchat notifications, a message from Kenny last night wondering where the hell Eric had gone, but nothing from Kyle. That cavern in his chest yawned a little wider. Even after all that he had said, he thought Kyle would've tried to talk to him. To argue a little more, plead to see him so they could discuss this properly. He even thought he might have asked Eric to change his mind, to not give up on them just yet. Because maybe Kyle needed a little more pushing. Eric would've leapt on any tiny scraps of hope, even imaginary ones, it seemed. Because at least any sign of life would mean that Eric hadn't totally ruined this. But it seemed like he hadn't salvaged anything, just blown it all. And Kyle didn't stop him. He didn't beg, didn't fight, he just accepted it was over. Even though it fucking tore at Eric to consider it, Kyle's response made him wonder if they had even been worth fighting for.
His bedroom door opened, and even though Eric's room was a disaster, and he looked like shit, and his bloodshot eyes were undeniable evidence he'd been sobbing his heart out, his mom beamed at him. He returned the smile, threadbare though it was, and sat up a little more when she handed him the tall mug of fluffy, roasted marshmallows bobbing in sweetly aromatic hot chocolate.
"Thanks..." he murmured.
"You're welcome, poopsikins..."
Eric expected her to leave, but instead she sat beside him. He stiffened, but the lilting smell of her familiar perfume wasn't unwelcome. In fact, the scent was clumsily stitching up what had recently been ripped apart. He didn't protest when he felt her slender, soft fingers combing his hair.
"I know you're a grown-up now and you don't need me anymore but... " his mom sighed, as if releasing any doubt about what she wanted to say next. "You'll always be my baby."
Eric cringed when he felt his mom place a small kiss in his hair. But her presence, and her gentle words were just as comforting as his chocolate nummers. He didn't see any harm in indulging her a little bit.
Toasty chocolate nummers were a short-term fix admittedly. After Eric had eaten every marshmallow and drained the mug of hot chocolate, that warm, delighted sugar rush soon dissipated. He agreed to his mom's suggestion of getting out of bed though, if only so she could make it again and tidy his room. He was sprawled across the couch now, watching TV indecisively. He watched saccharine Christmas movies until the gooey, self-righteous messages made him itch, and every other TV show was filled with people who were stupid, or loud, or both. Were people always this irritating? He settled on some Christmas cooking show, figuring it wouldn't make him feel anything other than hungry.
A knock at the door pulled his attention away from some gross eggnog recipe. A stranger's knock, Eric considered. Gentle and polite, but hesitant too. He rolled his eyes, it was probably some timid salesman wearing antlers to get into the Christmas spirit. In other words, not a person he had the patience to humour. Or even to make fun of.
"Mom!" he called. "Could you get that?"
His mom was soon trotting down the stairs.
"Sure, sweetie..." she replied a little breathlessly, rushing to the door.
Without another thought Eric's attention returned to the TV.
"Oh, hello!" he heard his mom say. "Luke, isn't it?"
Eric's curiosity snagged on the word. It couldn't be... He glanced at the door and indeed saw Luke standing there, shoulders hunched and polite smile wound way too tight.
"Yeah, hi, Miss Cartman, um... I was wondering if I could talk to, uh, Eric?"
Luke hadn't noticed him yet. But Eric couldn't look away, frozen with wariness, and rigid with pride. As if he was going to haul his ass all the way to the front door to talk to that douchebag.
"Well..."
His mom turned her head, looking to Eric for an answer. He had no idea what his expression was trying to say when he both wanted to know what Luke was doing there, and to slam the door in his face.
"Y-y-yes, come in..." she decided on.
Eric rolled his eyes discreetly and finger-combed his messy hair.
"Thank you..." he heard Luke say as the door was shut behind him.
Dread rose in Eric like water in a sinking ship as Luke approached him. His shoulders were still hunched and his clasped fingers wouldn't stop fidgeting. When he was close enough, Eric wondered if he hadn't been sleeping. Small bags swelled under his eyes, bruised by restlessness. Eric didn't move, didn't stand up, didn't smile. He sat there like Luke's presence was an inconvenience, something he hadn't approved himself. It had nothing to do with his own nerves, tying themselves up in fretted knots.
"Hi, Cartman," Luke said with a timid smile.
"Luke, what are you doing here?"
Eric figured he may as well come out and ask the burning question. Fuck pleasantries.
Luke closed his eyes and sighed, as if he saw the question coming.
"I wanted to talk to you about Kyle," he replied in one breathy rush. His eyes opened.
Just the mention of his name singed Eric's already frayed mood. He swallowed his shock.
"Why... why me?" he asked, trying to master a goading smile. "Can't you talk to him?"
"Not really, um..." Luke pursed his lips, glanced at his antsy fingers, before lifting his head. "Things aren't so good between us right now, and I feel like you're the only person who can help me."
Wait, what?
Eric blinked.
"Oh..." he nodded, slow and reeling. Unsure if he was agreeing to help or just taking in this bizarre, unexpected encounter.
"Would you boys like anything to drink?" his mom asked, still by the front door and apparently eavesdropping.
Eric shook his head.
"No, mom."
"I'm fine, thank you, Miss Cartman." Luke turned his head and smiled.
"Okay, well, I'll leave you alone..." she nodded with a genial smile, eyeing Eric warily as she climbed the stairs.
Luke seemed to watch her until she reached the top, and he rubbed his palms on his jeans when they were alone. Eric wouldn't speak until he did, wouldn't initiate a conversation. Luke spotted the armchair.
"Do you mind if I..."
"No, go ahead."
Luke smiled tightly and sat down, appearing to relax a little. Eric didn't want him to feel too comfortable.
"Well?" he asked. "What's up?"
Luke frowned, avoided Eric's eyes, but the way his nostrils flared and his lips thinned was hard not to notice. Eric had no idea what to do if Luke broke down crying. Although he guessed he could try to sympathise. After all, it wasn't as if he hadn't cried over Kyle before.
"It's just that... ever since I came here, Kyle's been distant," Luke replied. "He's preoccupied, and on edge, and he seems so... afraid. Of everything. I realise I haven't known Kyle for as long as you have but that's not him, is it?" Luke finally looked at Eric then, eyebrows furrowed. "It's definitely not the Kyle I met in college. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I don't know him that well at all. This whole week he's been so closed off. He won't tell me anything... and whatever he does tell me I feel like it's not entirely true. A-a-and I don't wanna offend you, Cartman, but I think you might be the reason."
Eric gulped. He thought he would've been delighted with Luke finding out about him and Kyle. It was a schadenfreude fantasy he had daydreamed about often in between plans to sabotage their relationship. It would've been the ultimate karmic payback for all the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy he had to endure while he and Kyle were together. But instead he felt anxious, shrinking under the unforeseen enormity of his wish.
"Wh-wh-why would you think that?"
Luke rolled his eyes, and fidgeted in his chair.
"Come on, you mean more to him than anybody else does..."
A new, brighter shock emanated from Eric's chest. One of delight, and pleasant, ecstatic surprise, and it was the first time ever that Eric didn't want Luke to shut up.
"I... I-I-I do?" he asked. He couldn't help but smile.
"Of course you do. Are you kidding me?" Luke shook his head and laughed, like it was so obvious. "God, Cartman, he loves you! When we first got together you were all he ever talked about." He scratched at his knee, and became more earnest. "That's why I wanted so much to make a good first impression with you because I can see how important you are to him. To be honest, it's hard to not be intimidated by you. I really didn't wanna encroach on what you and Kyle have... but I didn't realise back then that what you and Kyle have would be so... huge... it takes up every fucking room we're in together, and when you two are looking at each other, or talking to each other, it's like nobody else has a chance. And now I'm starting to think there's no room for me in Kyle's life, and maybe that wouldn't be so scary if I knew what I was up against."
Eric's smile had started to fade. That glowing, glorious surprise had taken all the things he hoped, and dreamed, and believed Kyle felt for him and purified them, rid them of any doubt. Kyle wasn't over him. Kyle hadn't moved on so simply. He had talked about him, and missed him, and maybe even loved him. But it also cast his quest, once so heady, and romantic, and maybe even fucking noble into a horrifying light. He had justified the potential heartbreak, the anger, the betrayal by telling himself he deserved this. After all he had done for Kyle - keeping his mouth shut, treading lightly over his landmine of anxieties, being obedient for once in his life, all the effort he had put in to be the best boyfriend he could be - he felt like he deserved to be happy with the only person he ever wanted to change for. Ever since they had started dating, Eric hoped that Kyle would come around with a little bit of bravery, trust, and with a little bit of pushing he would finally give in to him wholeheartedly. Love Eric the way he wanted to be loved. He had followed Kyle's advice, hadn't he?
"You just... have to think about other people a little more, and... trust them, and compromise with them, and be honest with them... and then you'll be all set for somebody to love you."
But it wasn't enough. Kyle had still broken up with him... but what if Eric never had to earn Kyle's love in the first place? What if he already loved him? Had always loved him? Even before Eric knew he wanted it so badly. He was just afraid. Bullied by his own damn pride, dictating to him who he should be, and how he should feel. And maybe with all his sabotaging, his meddling, Eric had only driven Kyle further into the prison of his ego. Eric thought of his argument with Kyle the night before, and his stomach churned with guilt. Maybe he had been ruining Kyle's life? So he could make a picture out of the shattered pieces that pleased him? He wanted Kyle, and would do anything to have him, but he never wanted to hurt him. It devastated him, to think that he might have. Beyond what even he could pallet. Had he even changed at all?
It was hard to find any words. Eric was drowning in silence. But he had to say something. He just had no idea where to begin. Luke was waiting for him, so weary and desperate that he was willing to wait as long as it took for answers.
"So what do you wanna know, Luke?" Eric asked, at a loss of what he could possibly offer after all the damage he had done.
Luke sighed. He didn't know where to begin either.
"I guess I want to know... what's going on with you and Kyle. Really. I get why Kyle doesn't wanna tell me but... it still hurts that he won't, you know?" He shook his head. His voice was filling up with tears. "I'm not an idiot. I think I know what's going on already, but the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy. Please, Cartman..."
Eric wished he had more experience in navigating his moral compass a little more selflessly. In search of that elusive 'right thing', that took on so many different guises. Was being honest the right thing? Telling Luke how he felt about his boyfriend, how they'd dated secretly for months, and with that truth revealing that Luke had been lied to ever since he and Kyle started dating? Or was the right thing to spare Luke's feelings? It seemed kinder. He and Kyle, united, would keep up the pretence. They were just friends, just close, closer than most people would consider normal, or even appropriate. Nothing had ever happened, and Luke would believe he wasn't being lied to whilst still being trapped in an intricately woven web of deceit. He wished Kyle were here. He wished he could pull him aside and ask what the hell they were supposed to do now. Eric would still follow Kyle's every command if he looked into his eyes, and spoke with that soft tone of irresistible conviction he had mastered. He would grant him his every wish if he could. He realised then, that all he ever wanted was for Kyle to be happy. Even without him, even with Luke. No one else mattered. Maybe this could all just fucking end if Eric left them alone, and let Kyle go for good.
For the best. This is for the best.
"Well... uh..." Eric cleared his throat when his voice started to wobble. His whole body was resisting. "I love Kyle too."
The words seemed to set the room ablaze. Luke sat straighter, eyes brightening with flames of incredulous shock. Eric, on the other hand, just felt emboldened, lighter, now that all his emotional baggage was burning to ashes.
"Actually..." he was able to smile. "I'm in love with him. Maybe I always have been. Whenever we're together I just feel... angry and happy, and scared and safe all at once." He cleared his throat, a little embarrassed at what he just admitted. "We've been through so much. I'm sure Kyle has told you about all the crazy shit that happened to us when we were kids - most of it being my fault - but it's just made us develop this bond, you know? You know Kyle, he's... obsessive, and he's passionate, and he's stubborn. We both are. I guess that's why we're drawn to each other, and why that might make it difficult for other people to feel like they can fit in with all that." He frowned, growing cold at recent memories. "I guess that's why it was hard for me to see you two together. It just felt like you were in the way-"
"In the way of what though?" Luke cut in, leaning forward and growing impatient.
Eric sighed. It was never easy admitting defeat. He shrugged, rueful. He couldn't cry, couldn't muster up anymore tears. He knew it, Kyle had drained him completely.
"The two of us... being together..." he shook his head. He kept repeating to himself he was doing the right thing. Finally. "But that's never gonna happen. I realise that now. It's hard to accept, but Kyle will never feel the same way I do." He looked at Luke, so he knew he meant what was he was about to say. "I promise you, Luke, you have nothing to worry about."
Eric was starting to wonder if Luke had even listened to a word he'd said. He just seemed numb, uninterested, his eyes glazed over with a bright veneer of tears. Broken. Still, Eric stared, waited for a response, for any sign of Luke, of the gratingly cheery guy who was all over Kyle when they first met at Sizzler. Instead, his face seemed to draw tight with anger, flushing from the strain. He blinked, and tears brimmed in his eyes.
"No..." he whispered, shaking his head. He wasn't looking at Eric. "No, that can't be right. You..." he was seething when he met Eric's eyes. His features seemed to have cracked, an eruption was eminent. "You're such a fucking liar..."
"What?!"
Eric was out of his seat before he could stop himself. But what choice did he have but to armour himself with a menacing, towering glare and hands curled into fists? When he was apparently so transparent that Luke could see right through him? This was the truth he had chosen, this was the right thing and he was sticking with it, even if he had to fucking fight for it.
"You're a fucking liar!" Luke yelled, springing out of his seat too. "You both are! You know what? Go ahead and be together because you fucking deserve each other!"
Before Eric could respond, Luke stormed to the front door. Eric found himself following him.
"Luke, what the hell-"
Eric cut himself off when Luke spun around. So close they were almost nose to flaring nose. Eric could feel Luke's hot, hard breath escaping through his gritted teeth.
"You're coming to Kyle's with me."
Eric's defensive resolve popped like a balloon at the absurdity of what Luke was suggesting, commanding. His body even deflated a little.
"Why?!"
"So we can get to the bottom of this!" Luke cried. "So he can admit it!"
"What?!" Eric nearly screeched in panic. "No way! What more do you fucking want, man?! I've told you what you wanna hear!"
"No, you haven't! You've told me what you think will make me happy! You both have! But all it's done is made me paranoid!" He pursed his lips and shook his head. His eyes were glittering. "I'm done being made a fucking fool out of, and I'm done being lied to! You can try to convince me otherwise, but I know you're lying! And I'm not letting this go until somebody starts telling me the truth!"
Eric had no idea if he was actually considering going along with Luke's plan because he was terrified by the broken, paranoid mess quivering in his living room, or because he actually felt sorry for him. After all that he had done, maybe he owed him this. Even if it was going to hurt beyond belief, tear at him from head to toe, at least he would know everything he needed. Maybe Eric wasn't the one who needed freedom, or Kyle, maybe it was Luke? And for all his volatility there was a logic to what he was proposing. Even the craziest plans have it. Perhaps Kyle couldn't deny it when the both of them were there, could pretend no longer. Closure. For them all.
"Fine." Eric sighed. "Let's go."
Even when he used to climb into Kyle's bedroom as a child, uninvited and unbeknownst, Eric never felt like he didn't belong in Kyle's house. His short-term grievances provided him ample justification for why he felt entitled to sneak into Kyle's room to search, to steal, to reclaim what he swore Kyle had taken from him but would eventually be found under his own desk. He stopped climbing through the window when he grew taller and older, and even during their surreptitious relationship he wasn't put off by Kyle's twitches and stiffness whenever so much as a spider scuttled past his bedroom door. He simply pulled Kyle in and kissed all of his worries away, turning his bedroom into another secret sanctuary of theirs. But now, after being dragged there by Kyle's broken boyfriend driven mad by suspicion, and with confrontation in his sights, Eric felt like more of an intruder than ever.
Luke shut the front door behind him and Eric winced. Not even a slam, just a reminder that he was actually here, and fleeing wouldn't be so easy. The living room was empty, an appropriate calm before a catastrophic storm. Then, footsteps down the stairs. Ones Eric remembered from a week ago, when he had tea with Mrs Broflovski, when he had been so damn arrogant and reckless, when Luke was blissfully oblivious, and Kyle... well, he had every right to be wary, didn't he? Even Luke knew that now. What more would he find out this afternoon? Eric gulped.
Kyle was dressed in his sweats, scrolling through his phone before he noticed Luke stood in the living room, and smiled.
"Hey, did you..." his smile vanished when he noticed Eric, shoulders hunched and withering behind Luke. "Cartman... wh-what are you doing here?"
"I asked him to come," Luke answered before Eric could. "We need to talk."
Kyle's wide eyes flitted between Luke and Eric, not knowing who to direct his questions to. His feet remained planted on the stairs, as if he was too scared to approach. Eric wouldn't blame him if he bolted to his room and locked the door.
"Where did you guys even-"
"I went to this house."
Kyle's jaw slackened, gripping the banister when the devastation of Luke's words hit him like a tidal wave.
"What?" he asked, before his face hardened with vexation. It emboldened him to approach. "Why?"
"Because I need fucking answers, Kyle!" Luke cried. "And you weren't prepared to give them to me!"
Kyle was visibly startled, but before he could respond his mom rushed out of the kitchen, a rag in her hand. As if the commotion was a stain she could wipe away.
"Goodness, what's going on out here?"
As if this couldn't get any worse. Eric threw his head back, looking to the ceiling for any way out of there.
Kyle sighed, and when Eric looked at him, he saw him pinked and trembling. Embarrassed and afraid, all his secrets had been rattling, effervescent in a bottle, unable to be truly contained. But the cork had unceremoniously flew off, and the secrets were spilling.
"Nothing, mom..." he muttered.
"Everything's fine, Mrs Broflovski," Eric assured.
Kyle glared at him, and Eric blanched. Sure, he didn't expect gratitude for trying to calm the situation, but he never thought he'd receive such a withering look for having the audacity to help.
"Oh, so now you decide to talk?!" Kyle snapped, baring his teeth. "This is all your fault!"
That, Eric could not accept.
"All of it?! Please, give me a break, Kyle!"
"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about! What the hell does that even mean?" Luke pleaded, looking between Eric and Kyle.
They fidgeted, shy and resistant. They folded their arms across their chests, concealing everything. But even if they were out of practice with their silent, optical communication, they tried to reach an agreement with their more pliant stares.
I'll tell, if you tell.
"I want to know what's going on right now!" Mrs Broflovski demanded, her beehive hairdo wobbling from the force of her plea.
"It's none of your business, mom!" Kyle snapped. "I..." he sighed, returning his cracked, defeated gaze to Luke and Eric. "We're not doing this down here. Come on..."
Heads bowed, quiet and solemn as a funeral procession, they followed Kyle to his bedroom.
Setting foot in there, Eric hated how this was his return to a room he always longed to be in. He had expected his return to be triumphant, joyous, hell, just fucking happy. The door thrown open as wide as Kyle's arms looped around his neck as they kissed, and the best part? He could stay as long as he liked, and Kyle would never flinch or twitch at the sound of footsteps again. He would want Eric to be there as much as he wanted Eric. Never did he think he'd return to everything unravelling, his plan, Kyle, Luke, everything.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Luke?" Kyle seethed, flashes of fear beneath his angry armour. "What the fuck was that down there?!"
"I'm sorry, Kyle, but I had no choice! You're keeping something from me and I had to find out what-"
"I'm keeping nothing from you!"
Luke dragged his fingers through his dark hair, tugging so hard Eric could see his follicles straining with protest.
"You are! You are, I know you are!" His voice broke, tears pouring out. "Why can't you just tell me the truth, Kyle?!"
Kyle was panting, gasping breaths escaping his lips like a man cornered. Sympathy clutched Eric's heart, but Kyle's glare squeezed it tighter still.
"What exactly have you been telling him?" he asked, voice dark.
"Nothing!" Eric snapped, hands raised.
"He hasn't said a word. Turns out you're both pretty good at maintaining the party line," Luke added, snide and prickly. He crossed his arms. "Just friends, huh? Bullshit! You can't tell me all these looks, all this tension, what the hell you were doing in the bathroom that one night was innocent!" He shook his head and shouted. "God, you think that just because you've been through bizarre, twisted, dramatic shit that you can keep people like me in the dark! On the outside! Well, your special fucking bubble isn't that hard to see through, and it doesn't grant you immunity from acting a little decent!"
Eric looked at Kyle, united in their discomfort, shame, and guilt, wondering how the hell did they get to this? From their very first kiss in the bathroom stall? Was it inevitable? Did it have to be this way?
Luke sighed, gaze falling to the carpet. He shook his head.
"Honestly, Kyle, it makes me wonder if you even care about me at all..."
"What?" Kyle whispered, frowning. He reached out. "Luke, of course I care about you-"
Luke batted his hand away.
"If you care about me, you'd stop treating me like some naive idiot who needs protecting!"
Kyle's hand withered, powerless as he placed it by his side. He glanced between Eric and Luke, pleading for answers. What the hell should he do now? Eric wanted to tell him to be honest, finally. To put an end to this whole mess, to this misery, but how could he without making it sound like this is what he intended all along? Drive them to the depths of despair so Kyle could finally let Luke go, let his insecurities go, let his pride go. Everyone's downfall. The most severe, cardinal sin.
"I'm serious, Kyle," Luke added, voice softer now. "This has to end."
A spring had opened in Kyle's eyes when he looked to Eric. He wanted to cup Kyle's blotchy face, swipe fat tears away with his thumb and whisper to him that it was finally alright. But instead, he nodded, granted his blessing.
Kyle sighed, body slumping with exhaustion. He was outran, it had all caught up to him and there was nowhere to go. Eric wished he could hold his arms out, let Kyle's limp body collapse into his embrace and commend his effort. But he doubted that would be appreciated. Head bowed, Kyle pressed his wrists to his eyes and held them there before he looked up again.
"Fine..." he whispered.
Kyle shuffled over to his bed, crouching down and pulling something out from under it. Eric and Luke glanced at each other, not wanting to talk in the silence or ever again, as a matter of fact. What else would there be for them to say to each other after this? Kyle remained with his back to them for a while, shoulders drawn tight. Whatever he was holding close, clutching to his chest must have been precious for him to be so reluctant to share it, afraid. Suddenly, he began to shudder. There was a quickly concealed sniffle that could not go unnoticed in the quiet room. Eric's fingers flexed, his heart pulling towards Kyle like a magnet, now wired to respond to Kyle's distress and comfort accordingly. But right now, that wasn't his place. He glanced at Luke again, and without another word Luke tentatively approached Kyle. He placed a hand on his back.
"Here..." Kyle murmured, handing Luke a cardboard box.
Luke looked over his shoulder at Eric, with a silent question and demand. Do you know what this is? Eric shrugged, he had no idea, was just as curious and puzzled. Luke sat on the bed, and slowly removed the lid. Kyle had shifted so he was profile in Eric's eyeline, arms folded tightly once again across his chest, bracing himself. Their eyes met, but Kyle swiftly ripped his gaze away. Instead, Eric watched Luke reveal Polaroid's, and birthday cards, and crumpled movie tickets.
Memories captured, happiness framed, fading ink shining bright with affection, the beginnings of love. Kyle had kept it all in his little treasure chest. Eric was drenched by a downpour of disbelief, it was hard to keep standing. Kyle hadn't tossed their relationship aside so easily, he had preserved it, right from the start. Their relationship wasn't a secret to be easily erased, soon forgotten, Kyle had protected it, cherished it, curated it. Still, as gratifying as this was for Eric, he could only imagine how painful this was for Luke. He was reminded when Luke lifted his head, gaze watery and already resigned to an outcome he anticipated. Returning to the box, his brow furrowed when he pulled out a piece of burgundy material Eric recognised. Unfolded, it was revealed to be a shirt Eric assumed he had lost in the laundry. His eyes and nose prickled with tears, and he pursed his lips to suffocate his smile. Their relationship wasn't so lopsided, or as asymmetrical as a broken heart. God, how could Eric have ever doubted the boy he was in love with?
Who are you kidding? You don't deserve him at all.
The thought was piercing, breath-snatching. Bliss and surety seeped out of the wound.
"I knew it..." Luke muttered, placing the shirt beside him. He buried his head in his hands. "I knew it..."
"I'm so sorry, Luke," Kyle replied, hand resting on his shoulder. "I should've told you... I..."
Kyle looked at Eric, his solemn face made him appear as receptive as a figure carved out of stone.
"I wanna talk to Luke alone..." he said, serious.
Eric nodded, and left. He closed the door, and leaned against it. Free to grin, he gasped as the smile stretched across his face. He covered his mouth, as though a grin so wide and beaming had to be contained. At least it would muffle his tears, as he started to softly sob.
Kyle couldn't recall the action of sitting next to Luke on his bed, but could feel the soft quilt, the creased dips of the mattress. Everything just felt so excruciatingly slow, trudging through every movement, and action, and... well, they hadn't talked since Eric left the room. Even though Kyle had wanted to talk to Luke, what could he say? Where should he start? Relief sparked but failed to ignite like a faulty lighter. At least this was all out in the open now, like ripping off a band-aid - an all too literal cliché. Kyle had uncovered a wound concealed for so long, and now it was bleeding. Or at least flaring a protesting pink. The colour of anger, and hurt, and pain rising to the surface.
Luke still held the box even though it had revealed to him the most agonising secrets, almost like it was welded to his trembling fingers. His eyes, gleaming and glazed, were rooted to an unremarkable corner in Kyle's bedroom. Tear tracks marred his face. He shifted his gaze to Kyle's direction, but didn't meet his eyes.
"I..." he sighed, heavy with surrender. "I don't think I can be with you anymore, Kyle."
Kyle nodded. It was disappointing, but inevitable. Consequential.
"I understand..." he whispered.
He watched Luke's hands shake, and wanted it to stop, to be the one to put a stop to it. After everything, he could at least do that, right? He took Luke's hand, peeled his fingers away from the box. They were limp and uninterested, but Kyle still grasped them.
"Luke, I am so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you-"
"So you lied to me?" Luke snapped. Lips taut, and stare boring holes in him. "I don't get it, Kyle. If you had just told me from the start that you and Cartman used to date, I would've understood. I never assumed I was your first boyfriend, why would I?"
Kyle thought of the fight he had with Eric in Tokens' backyard less than twenty-four hours ago. It was hard to kid himself that he never knew this argument would lead to this, secrets being revealed and relationships ending. Their fight; Eric's accusations of fear, and shame, and pride; and the unearthing of Kyle's feelings, magma-like they stirred so deep within the core of his heart, were grenades thrown into Kyle's well-maintained delusion, ticking away until they exploded.
"It's not that, I... I-I guess I just got so used to hiding my relationship with Cartman- Kyle closed his eyes. He was through with pretences. "Eric - from everyone that it just seemed like second nature to cover it up. Even from people who knew nothing about me, us..." he squeezed Luke's hand a little tighter and tried to smile. "Even from people who I would never wanna lie to. After everything we've been through, dating Cartman just made me feel so uneasy, like I was doing something wrong... even when it felt right." He shook his head. "I swear, I spent the first month of our relationship on the verge of a panic attack. Even when we were happy I was beating myself up, telling myself that I needed to get over this, and fast..." he sighed. "College seemed like an easy way out, before it got too serious. Still, I missed him so much. I was so lonely. Then you..."
Kyle's voice cracked, waterlogged. He smiled when Luke looked at him again, inquisitive with only the thinnest veil of cynicism.
"Then you came along, and made everything better..."
Luke let himself smile, fresh tears pooling at his lashes. His smile wavered when he glanced at their joined hands, warm and damp.
"I just don't think I could ever trust you again..." he whispered, sliding his hand out of Kyle's.
Kyle didn't protest, just nodded. His throat clenched.
"I know, and you really don't need to apologise. I'm the one who should be sorry."
There was no argument, the statement met with unsure silence. God, there was so much to be unsure of. Namely, what the hell should they do now?
"What about you and Car- Eric?"
Kyle blinked, since Eric left the room he'd been trying not think about him. It wasn't too difficult, since the guilt that welled up inside him whenever he looked at Luke left room for little else.
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"Do you still have feelings for him?"
Yes
And that simple answer filled him up just as quickly as all the guilt in the world. It took him longer to actually answer the question though, his mouth still refusing to sound out the damn word.
"Maybe?" he managed. He hung his head at the blatant lie. "I don't know..."
Luke huffed, shaking his head.
"Here..." he murmured, handing the box to Kyle.
"Thanks," he replied, even quieter. He stared at the jumbled contents, hastily returned as if Luke couldn't bear to look at them anymore. Kyle chewed his lip, contemplating what he should say... what he should do. "Um, is there anything I can do? To make things a little better?"
Luke pondered, and Kyle waited.
"Well, I'm leaving tomorrow," he replied, his words were buoyed by relief. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore. Maybe we should... keep our distance. As much as we can, at least. Some space would be good."
He offered Kyle a smile that asked, 'I hope that's okay?'
Kyle nodded, answering his silent question. It was the least he could do.
"Got it..."
He lifted himself off his bed, planning on hanging out downstairs for a while to give Luke his space. Maybe he would pack to take his mind off things.
"Can I get you something to drink? Like, water maybe?"
Luke smiled and nodded, hands clasped between his legs.
Kyle left his bedroom, the door clicking shut. He took a deep, shuddering breath, crushed by the inertia of all that was changed, and broken. But he just had to go with it now, roll with the resistance, get through the holidays, look forward to New Year, enjoy spending time with his friends and family, and... he had no idea what to do about Eric. He had answered for his feelings, accepted them, but should he act on them? Or would he only be rewarding Eric for his manipulative behaviour? How could be with someone so destructive?
He took slow steps towards the stairs, dragging his feet and his dilemma. He reached the top step, and much to his surprise and fury, Eric was still there, chatting to his mom. It was like he was waiting for him, like he knew Kyle would come running into his arms, predictable and pathetic. His plan had come to fruition, Kyle and Luke were apart, and he could fill the vacancy he felt belonged to him. Kyle gritted his teeth, wanting to deny him just so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of everything working out 'perfectly.' He stormed down the stairs.
"What are you doing?" he asked, glowering as he approached Eric.
"Just filling your mom in on what's going on," Eric replied, innocent and irritating.
"There was an awful racket, bubbe! Is everything okay?"
"Not really, mom, me and Luke just broke up!" Kyle snapped with a sardonic smile.
His mom flinched at the abrasive tone, fingers limp with shock as she held them to her mouth. Eric had turned his head, avoided Kyle's eyes.
"There!" Kyle snapped again, willing a reaction from Eric. "There, are you happy now?!"
Eric was looking at him now, scowling. Kyle could tell there was so much he wanted to say, that not even their silent language could communicate. He felt like screaming at him to spit it out already.
"Excuse us, Mrs Broflovski..." he muttered, tugging Kyle from the bottom step and leading him away from his mom.
Kyle wrenched his arm from Eric's grip. They were stood so close they were cloaked in each other's shadows. Appropriate, since they had both been darkened, tainted, bruised by each other's actions. Their breaths came hard, and aggressive.
"Of course I'm not happy!" Eric snapped, low and tense.
"But isn't this what you wanted all along? With your scheming, and your mind games, and-"
"All I've ever wanted is you!" Eric interrupted, voice straining and bitterness cracking to reveal the desperate, urgent plea beneath. "No secrets, no shame, just you, Kyle! I tried everything to make that happen! I tried to prove myself, I tried to be better, because I wanted to be better for you! You make me wanna be better! But that didn't work, and then when I saw you were with someone else..." he hung his head, rubbed his eyes. They were shining with tears when he looked up. Kyle's heart started to crack under the weight, the overwhelming pressure. "It broke me. It fucking killed me to see somebody else take what I wanted, but what I did..." his jaw tightened, and he shook his head. "it wasn't fair. To you, to Luke... to us. We're better than that, Kyle. At least I think we are. But now I've ruined it. You're never gonna take me back after all this, are you?"
Kyle pursed his lips, not wanting to say the wrong thing when he had no clue what the right thing was either. Of course he still wanted Eric, he had never stopped wanting him. That need still existed, urgent, and fervent, and terrifying. It frightened Kyle more than ever. But everything was still so raw, he didn't want to rush into a decision he would later regret. Because even if the moral of this disastrous tale was that he should listen to his heart as well as his head, he still didn't trust his heart to make any decisions when it yearned for a guy who was so capable of hurt. It would be irresponsible, to return to Eric now. It would be irresponsible, to break his heart further down the line.
Eric shrugged, not caring that his tears were roaming his cheeks.
"You don't have to answer, Kyle. I'm just..." he cleared his throat, suddenly earnest. "So sorry..."
Kyle nodded, Eric was becoming blurrier.
"Me too," he whispered, voice cracking.
"Bye, Kyle..."
Kyle watched Eric leave, and as soon as he was gone, a sob escaped. Lamenting, and reprimanding, and regretful. He buried his head in his hands, hot tears wetting his palms as his body hiccupped and heaved. He had lost two people he cared about in one day, and this was the second time he was letting one of them walk away, potentially the person he lo-
"Oh, bubbe, it's okay!" his mom exclaimed, rushing over to him. Even though Kyle was taller than her now, she gathered him up in her arms easily. "It's okay..."
Kyle shuddered in her embrace, wetting her shirt. The smell of it comforted him just as much as her words, and the arms rocking him.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you..." he murmured wetly.
"Sshh, it's alright," she soothed, reaching up to pet his curls. "Everything will be alright..."
Kyle so wanted to believe her, but bereft of Eric nothing seemed right at all. Irreparable, and irrevocable.
A/N: I'm just leaving this here to remind you guys that there's one chapter left. I don't know if that makes what just happened better or worse, pfft! Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you enjoyed!