Chapter 9: Decisions

.o0o.

"Hold tight," Owen Dylandy said in his son's ear. Neil gripped the fishing rod in his hands.

"You remember how?"

"Yes, I think so," the young boy bit his lip and tried to remember everything his father had told him last year.

"Alright, lets see then," Owen smiled at the boy and watched his son cast the line far and cleanly out into the lake.

"Very good."

"Thanks," Neil grinned proudly and sat back in the small boat with his line in hand.

"Don't let it pull you in now."

"I'm not that small anymore, dad."

"No, I'm just kidding with you." Owen ruffled the boy's hair.

Neil focused on the pole, the soft lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, the breeze across the lake bringing the smell of the forest and the warm sun on his head and arms. He smiled softly. The line tugged.

"I got one!"

It tugged harder and Neil braced his feet on the side of the boat. For a moment he was scared. Then the third tug came and it pulled him clean out of the boat. The water came up around him and he was being crushed.

Air! Was all he could think but the water was too heavy. He was looking up at his father frowning down at him.

No Dad! Dad save me! HELP!

Neil jerked out of sleep as if yelled at and breathed a shuttering gasp of air. His lungs burned as they heaved to take in air, his heart pounded like he'd ran a mile and his head swam, the dimly lit room going in and out of focus in his vision.

"Neil," Tieria groaned and rolled over, "What is it?" The purple haired Meister sat up and put his hand on Neil's shoulder. The older man could only shake his head. He was trying to calm his racing heart and slow his breathing. Tieria reached across him to the table to get his glasses. He looked Neil over critically, with piercing red eyes that missed nothing, a frown on his small mouth and his breathing shallow like he was bracing against bad news.

"I'm fine," Neil managed to say. His heart was slowing but he was uneasy still.

"A dream?" Tieria asked, brows knit together.

"I—" Neil wanted to say it was because it was an easier explanation. There was a tingling on the back of his neck and weight in his gut that said there was more. "It's not that." He shuddered at the memory of the dream but it was just a ghost of his past.

"Are you sick?"

"No."

"Are you in pain?"

"No, I'm fine. I—I just—" just have this feeling Lyle is in danger. The words sounded stupid even in his head so instead Neil forced a small smile. "It's nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep, beautiful." Tieria frowned and raised his hand to check Neil's temperature.

"I'm fine," Neil insisted and swatted the hand away.

"You have lied about your physical health before, forgive me for doubting you." Neil chuckled at Tieria's sarcasm, something he knew should annoy him. He lifted Tieria's hand to his forehead and pressed his palm to the cool skin.

"I'm fine." Tieria still frowned but he let Neil drag him into bed and curled up against his lover's chest before drifting back into sleep. Neil lay awake and tried to ignore the dread he felt. He can't be. He can't be. Neil repeated that thought until day cycle woke his partner.

.o0o.

"It should be ready for the next test the day after tomorrow? Lasse won't be back before them, are you sure you want to take over the testing?" Feldt looked up at Neil from her screen. She found him staring into the hangar again at the blank wall behind Cherudim (Mileana's second choice of name).

"Neil," Feldt put her hand hesitantly on his arm and he jumped.

"I'm sorry, I dozed off again."

"You should go rest, you look terrible."

"Oh don't worry about me, Feldt."

"Neil," Tieria came into the hangar control room with urgency. The Irishman jumped up and turned. "There's something you need to see." Neil didn't need anymore prompting, he pushed away from the computer and hurried after Tieria. Just down the hall Tieria stopped and pulled out a small holoscreen displaying a message from Ophan Sigma, their newly recruited source inside Kathrons, and a hospital admissions report.

"That fucking idiot," Neil cursed under his breath as he skimmed the information quickly.

"How did you know?" Tieria asked him.

"I—I didn't."

"This happened last night."

"I—It sounds stupid doesn't it, twins with connected minds."

"I've heard of stranger things."

"Come on, I can't work anymore today." Neil made toward his room and Tieria followed silently. When they were alone together Neil relaxed into the bed and explained.

"When we were young my father would take Lyle and I on trips, each of us on our own. One year he took Lyle camping out in the Wicklow Mountains. One night about two days after they left I woke up—screaming—with this feeling. My mother told me it was nothing but the next morning my father phoned. Lyle had been wandering in the woods just after dark and stumbled across a bear cub. When the mother bear caught sight of him he ran, falling down a rocky slope and breaking his leg."

"You knew."

"That's not the right way to describe it."

"Something connects you."

"I hate it when people say that. Lyle and I aren't special because we're twins."

"It is rare to find two people with identical genetic make up."

"Doesn't make us special, we're just like anyone else."

"I didn't mean—"

"I know."

"You should get some sleep."

"Didn't fool anyone did I?"

"You're a terrible liar, Neil."

"I'll chose to take that as a compliment."

"You should."

Tieria pressed a light kiss to Neil's forehead before he left the room. Neil lay clinging to wakefulness a while longer. Picking up the holoscreen Tieria had left behind he read the line on the admission report again: Hypoxic hypoxia, partial drowning, extent unknown. He could so vividly remember his dream of the lake but the more he tried to remember his father looking down at him the more his memories became clear and it was his own face, backwards and undamaged staring back at him. Lyle, Neil thought as he drifted off, I hope you're safe. I hope you're happy.

.o0o.

"Ah, Tieria," Hillary Stadler smiled at him as he entered her office. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"About what?" Tieria paused. He wasn't completely sure why he had sought out Hilla that day but he'd found with Sereve's completion he had more free time than he cared for.

"I was preparing a note for my replacement."

"You're planning on leaving?"

"Yes, I just submitted the official report this morning." She looked away quickly.

"Why?" Tieria demanded, his chest clenching at the thought of goodbye.

"Please don't, my father's already come by to try and convince me to stay."

"I was only curious," Tieria lied. Hillary glanced at him fleetingly, pity and guilt on her face.

"Andy Brune is opening a new clinic outside of Suille," She explained softly after a moment, "I'm going to help."

"The federation involvement in that area of the Middle East has been increasingly hostile. It's not a place- ."

"Don't you see? That's why I'm going."

"Your father doesn't approve."

"My father would rather wrap me in a padded blanket. He had a hard enough time accepting that I joined Celestial Being when I ran into him here for the first time."

"Is that so wrong? He is only looking out for your well being."

"Yeah maybe but if my parents taught me anything it's not to let my problems fester," there was a bitter note in her voice, "It rotted out my mother's heart. I'll be damned if it happens to me."

"Your mother?"

"She committed suicide when I was 14. They told me the stress of Army life was just too much for her. Truth was my mother was barely working the year before her death."

"I don't understand. You are not your mother."

"No but I'm too much like her if you ask my father. He loved her even if she hurt him. All through her depression he tried to take care of her. He kept telling me afterward not to blame her. But I guess that's love. My father didn't know what was best for her and he doesn't know what's best for me. So I'm leaving, don't try to stop me."

"I wouldn't dream of it." He quoted her words to him not so long ago. She laughed a little.

"I'm not going to leave that note."

"About?"

"I thought someone should explain… you."

"Oh." Tieria frowned. "It can not be overlooked."

"There's no medical reason they need to know at this point. You're just like anyone else."

"Hilla. I'm—I'm not human."

"You bleed, you cry, you laugh, you have good friends, and even a lover; all that makes you human."

"Lover…" Tieria felt a warm fizzing sensation in his stomach saying the word out loud. Neil had fit the term technically for years but Tieria had never thought of him that way. At the same time he shivered and cringed, he felt warm like Neil's arms were wrapped around his shoulders and cold at the same time.

"How are things between you two?"

"Huh?"

"You and Neil."

"Good." The word came out too fast and Hilla frowned. "Really they are, I just…"

"What?"

"It's nothing." Tieria looked away and turned to leave. Hilla jumped up, reaching out to catch his shoulder and grip it reassuringly.

"You don't have to talk to me about it but you should talk to Neil."

Tieria cringed.

"Don't be afraid to talk to him," Hilla urged with kindness in her brown eyes.

"I'm not. I'm afraid—" Tieria paused. I'm afraid things will change if I do. I'm afraid I'll change if I do. Tieria shook his head and turned away. Hillary let him leave watching him go with an uneasy feeling.

.o0o.

"Neil, tell me about your parents," Tieria said softly as he lay in the older man's bed facing the wall with Neil behind him. His partner's breathing ruffled the hair on the back of his neck with each breath and it paused at the question. After a moment Neil responded.

"Why? What do you want to know?"

"I'm just curious."

"Well… they were good people. My mother's name was Lindsay, she was an editor, and my father was Owen, he was a mechanical engineer."

"What kind of people were they?"

"My Father was strict. He had high expectations of us but he was always proud of whatever we did. My mother was harder to please because I never knew what she wanted me to do with my life. She was much more like Lyle."

"They taught you about love?"

"Love? Love is something you kind of learn on your own."

"I see."

"Tieria? What's this about?" Neil sat up and looked down at Tieria who stared at the wall.

"What are we, Neil?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind," Tieria whispered and sat up, his back to Neil and pushed himself off the wall out of bed.

"Hey!" Neil caught Tieria's arm. "What do think this is?"

Tieria didn't answer or meet Neil's eye.

"Just sex?" Neil went on horrified, "Cause that's not what this is to me and I know it's more than that for you."

"What does that make it?"

"Does it mater?"

"I can't answer that. I can't answer any of those questions."

"Why are you trying too? Isn't this enough?"

"I don't know." Tieria shook his head.

Neil forced himself to let go of Tieria. He knew in his mind that Tieria just needed space to sort out the thoughts and feelings he couldn't logically explain but it didn't make it any easier to watch Tieria slip out of the room and leave Neil sitting alone on his bed in the dark.

Tieria drifted to his own room just two door down the hall. Inside he let himself float. He knew he should be thinking about all those questions that had kept him awake as he lay next to his lover but all he could think about once he was alone was how lonesome and strange his own room looked. It was an identical mirror of Neil's room but it lacked all the things that make Neil's room comfortable. There were no random things floating off the table, none of Neil's clothes in messy piles in the closet or the smell of Neil. Tieria's room was as foreign and uninviting as it had been the first night back on Krung Threp. It wasn't home like Ptolomy was. Tieria realized he hadn't been back in his room for anything other than a change of clothes since Neil returned from earth. It seemed strange because he hadn't lived in it for more than two months. Tieria bowed his head as it swam with questions and exhaustion. He curled up in the cold bed and missed Neil's warm breath on the back of his neck.

.o0o.

"I'll miss you every day!" Mileana told Yun.

"Make sure to call us." Feldt added.

"I will." Yun nodded. "Thank you both, for everything."

"Take care," Feldt gave the chinese girl a hug and Mileana held them both and cried. Tieria watched them from where he stood next to Hilla.

"She's made good friends here," He said to her.

"Yes, she has. Feldt and Mileana have been wonderful. Yun needs people her own age."

"Is she going with you to Suille?"

"No," Hilla shook her head, "I've arranged for a host family in the UK and enrolled her in school. It'll be hard but… She wants to be a doctor."

"You've inspired her."

"Perhaps," Hilla gave a small laugh. Neil came gliding over to the girls out of the shuttle.

"Alright," he told them, "we're all packed and ready to go." Mileana cried harder and hugged her friends tightly.

"Don't cry, Mili-chan," Neil tried to cheer her up, "Yun'll have lost of fun in school, she might even meet some nice boys." Neil winked at Yun who blushed. Mileana cried harder.

"That just makes me jealous"

"Eh," Neil frowned and backed away from the small girl realizing he'd made the situation worse.

"I'd much rather stay here, Mileana."

"You need to study though," Feldt told her friend. "If you want to become a doctor you have to work hard. We'll come see you on our earth rotations though."

"Then you work hard too Mileana," Yun said with a smile. "You can build Gundam here and I'll become a Doctor. It'll be a competition."

"I'll try," Mileana nodded, still teary eyed.

"I guess it's time to go," Hilla said to Tieria.

"Be careful," He replied softly.

"I will. Thank you Tieria, you've been a good friend." She smiled at him.

"Is that what we are? Friends?"

"Of course." She picked up her bag. "Take care of yourself and…" She paused waiting till Tieria met her eyes, "… don't let him get away without telling him what he means to you." There was a sadness in her expression, regret and hope mingled together. She turned and floated away, putting and arm over Yun's shoulder and leading the girl away with a few waves to Mileana and Feldt. Neil followed them into the shuttle, shutting the hatch behind him.

"What he means to me…" Tieria let the words hang in the air as he watched the speck in the darkness that was the shuttle. He pondered the words as he floated through the hallways and the question behind them. What did Hilla mean by 'let him get away'? Does she think Neil will leave me? What would that even mean? Neil has never made any commitment to stay with me. The only promise he's made in that respect he broke. 'I'll be back before you know it' he said and yet he was gone for so long. I don't resent him for it. I understand why he did. And I kept going after him. He was injured on earth and I dropped everything just to be near him. I didn't even consider staying. Why? Wouldn't that have been the logical option? Let the doctor heal Neil to the best of her ability, tell Wang Lui Mei to pick up Neil and keep him safe, send the pills through Celestial Being allies. But Tieria wanted to know, to tangibly be able to know that Neil was ok. Then at the Vashti River Home Neil had been so sincere when he said 'I was always coming back.' He always was, Tieria knew that.

He found himself standing on the observation deck looking out at the belt of the Milky Way. He sighed and bowed his head. It was always hard to think rationally about Neil. His feelings always ended up muddled and indistinct. His head would spin and his mood fluctuated. He doubted his own conclusions and doubted his doubts which lead to dismissing it all and remaining exactly where he had been before. Perhaps that was the real truth of his relationship with Neil, it was a holding pattern. But the idea of it's insignificants was immediately rejected because trying to imagine a life without Neil felt like holding his breath underwater.

"Erde-san!"

Tieria frowned.

"Not now Mileana."

"But I'm bored!"

"I'm busy."

"No you're not."

"I—I'm thinking."

"About what?" She drifted into his view, upside down and pigtails swirling around her head. "About Neil?" She pressed with a grin and wide eyes.

"No," He said too quickly.

Mileana gasped and asked in a shocked voice, "Are you fighting?"

"No."

"Then what are you thinking about?"

"I… What is love, Mileana?"

"Love?" She blinked in confusion then put her finger on her lips and looked up toward the floor. "Mama and Papa are in love."

"How would you define it?"

"Well it's caring very very much for someone?"

"So when does it stop being care and start to be love?"

"Why are you asking?"

"I just—I guess I'm confused."

"You love Neil though."

"I—I don't know."

"But you care about him a lot, more than anyone else, right?" Tieria considered then nodded.

"You're happy when he's around?"

"Yes." Tieria remembered the warm feeling he got when Neil agreed to return with him to space.

"And you're happy when he's happy?"

"Yes." Tieria nodded as he remembered cursing his unconscious reactions whenever Neil cracked his charming grin.

"And you'd do anything if he needed you to?"

"Yes," Tieria replied automatically. He would take insult and injury if that's what Neil needed from him and never resent it. The Villa Minerva wasn't forgotten; It was no longer a throbbing sore, but an old bruise.

"Then that's love," Mileana said it so simply. I love Neil, Tieria thought, as if trying out the phrase and as soon as he did all his confused and jumbled feelings fell together. He realized that all his conclusions and doubts had been pointing to that one simple face he wasn't quite able to see. He realized suddenly that Mileana was still talking babbling about her parents.

"Thank you, Mileana," He said over her and she stopped immediately.

"For what, Erde-san?" She swung her arms so she righted and touched her magnetic shoes to the floor.

"Perspective," He told her and bent to place a chaste kiss on her forehead. She was so shocked that she said nothing as he hurriedly left, purpose in his movement and a small smile on his face. She just watched the door he'd left through with her own smile and sighed.

"Erde-san, I didn't know you could be so sweet," She said with a giggle.

.o0o.

"How was the shuttle ride?" Ian asked as Neil slipped into the seat across from him beside Feldt.

"Uneventful. They looked a bit skeptical about some of the papers but they went through fine and the girls made their train."

"I'm sad to see them go," Ian shook his head.

"You look better Mileana," Neil noted how the small girl was smiling and giggling as always.

"Oh yes," She said with a mischevious gleam.

"She's been down right cheerful all evening and it's pissing me off," Ian grumbled.

"Lighten up daddy. Something wonderful has happened."

"Yeah but you won't tell me what it is," He exclaimed and she laughed.

"Are you alright Feldt?" Neil asked the girl beside him. Feldt nodded.

"Yun and Dr. Stadler are going to do what's important to them, this is what's important to me." She told him.

"You've grown up so much," He ruffled her pink hair. "Chris would be proud."

"I hope so," She said, looking down and blushing. She was still sad but she could see past it.

"Where's Tieria?" He asked the table. Ian and Mileana paused their family banter.

"Don't know," Ian noted. "I saw him down in mechanics but he disappeared before I could talk to him."

"What was he doing down there?"

"No idea."

"Huh." Neil looked around but the familiar head of purple hair was no where to be seen. "I guess he'll show up." Tieria did half an hour later as they were finishing their meal.

"There you are," Neil said when he approached.

"Sorry I'm late."

"Hungry?"

"No."

"Sure?" Neil furrowed his brow and Tieria nodded. There was tension in Tieria's shoulders and his face was strictly perfessional, a look that Neil didn't like on his lover. It meant something was bothering Tieria, something he wouldn't talk about in public. Neil remembered the night before and Tieria's strange attitude. He wondered if even alone they would talk about what was bothering the other man.

"Come on Feldt!" Mileana grabbed her friends arm with one hand and her father's with the other. "I found this really great movie last night."

"When? I told you to go to bed!" Ian demanded of his daughter.

"Papa, I never go to bed when you tell me to."

"Why not? You go right to bed when your mother says to?" The Vashti's and Feldt drifted away.

"Let's get out of here," Neil suggested to Tieria as he passed close to Tieria's ear. He followed silently. In the hall Tieria caught up to Neil, slipping his hand into Neil's, to Neil's surprise, and dragging him down a different hall, away from their rooms.

"Where are we going, Tieria?"

"Somewhere… special." The purple haired man opened a door to the small observation deck where the stars and the endless expanse of space stretched out before them.

"What's out here?" Neil inquired as the door closed behind them and they were alone.

"I was here earlier."

"You must have been thinking about something."

"It's a good place to think. In space everything can seem so simple."

"Verses the surface where everything is messy."

"I would have said that at one time but now even space is complicated."

"What do you mean?"

"You… you and I."

"We're not so complicated."

"I thought so."

"Then…" Neil trialed off and a lump formed in his throat. He had the sudden urge to pull Tieria closer, to stop him from pulling away.

"I realized it's really quite simple."

Neil braced himself.

"I love you." It took a long moment for Neil to process the words but by then Tieria was speaking again, looking straight into his eye, shoulders straight and relaxed. "I have for a long time, even if I didn't know myself. I will be here beside you as long as it is what you want. I will be whatever you need me to be, a friend, a comrade, or a partner. I owe you more than I can ever repay but I would love you even if that debt were erased." Tieria paused, looked down and continued. "I'm not asking for anything from you. I don't expect you to feel the way I do. Even if you move on I will feel the same."

"Tieria…" Neil felt like his own emotions would spill out but the words got caught in his throat. Tieria drew a small case from his pocket and held it out.

"You don't have to accept it but… It seemed appropriate as this is the closest thing I can conceive of to marriage. Still I am not one for sentimentality, it is as functional as it is significant." Neil took the case with steady hands and opened the lid. Inside was a silver ring of metal, simple and rounded with a single inset black band encircling it. "There is a radio pulse inside that will sync to your heart so if you are lost I can find you."

Neil fumbled for words and looked up at Tieria with wide-eyed, disbelief, elation, confusion and love just under the surface but all he saw in Tieria's face was worry. No, that's not right, Neil thought and reached out, pulling Tieria close and crashing their lips together. Tieria had barely recovered from shock and relief before Neil pulled away.

"Tieria, I—" A thought crossed Neil's mind as he fumbled for words and he grinned. "Come with me," He pulled his lover quickly out of the observation room and hurriedly through the white halls of Krung Threp to his room. Inside the automatic door plunged them into darkness lit by the emergency lights and the computer.

"Neil?" Tieria asked as his lover stared rummaging through his closet.

"I know it's—AH!" Neil pulled out a small wooden box and returned to Tieria's side, taking the smaller man's hand and pressing the box into it.

"I have something for you as well. I've been saving these for a long time but I never really thought about why. I'm glad I did." Tieria opened the box and found two rings inside lying against the padded velvet sides. "They were my parents, when they first got married. They were poor at the time and since neither of their families approved of the marriage they didn't have much money for nice things. They bought them at a pawn shop in Dublin. When my father's job started paying better and my mother got a few good clients they bought new ones. They gave these to Amy. She loved the engagement ring the most and wore it often. After… the bombing they couldn't get it off her finger. She was buried with it." Neil shook his head. "I found these in the pocket of the overalls on her stuffed bear. I've kept them since."

"Why are you giving them to me?" Tieria asked. Neil chuckled and brushed Tieria's purple hair back from his cheek lovingly. He reached into the box and took out the smaller of the two rings, like the larger one it was patterned with celtic knots inset in the band.

"I doubt the other would fit your finger," Neil said with a smile. He lifted Tieria's left hand. The metal of the ring was cold against his skin and Neil's hands were warm in contrast. It slipped on easily, tight enough that it wouldn't fall off but comfortable. Tieria stared at it then looked up at Neil.

"I've always loved you Tieria," Neil said, eye intent on the other man and voice soft. "I've known it for a long time but I was afraid if I said anything it would push you away. You don't need to ask for me to return your feelings, I already do." Tieria's shock melted into a small smile, Neil grinned in return. The smile spread further up Tieria's face as he closed his eyes and leaned toward Neil, pressing their foreheads together and wrapping his arms around Neil's neck.

"How did this happen?" He asked in amazement.

"I don't know," Neil laughed. "I don't care. I'm happy."

"Ah, this makes it worth it," Tieria whispered.

"Makes what worth it?"

"Being human."

End

[AN: Well if you got this far I hope it enjoyed it at least a little. I had plans to continue this and rewrite season 2 but I didn't get very far in with that. Send me a message or a review if you would be interested in that. -Ember]