Jennifer stared at her profile in her vanity mirror with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. She was getting fat. She had never been one to gain weight, always idling in the same form, even after having kids. But now, she had gained a solid 15 pounds at least, if she were to guess. She wondered how noticeable it was. She didn't own a scale, never being too interested in staying fit, so it was all just an irritable estimate. She was just as active as always and couldn't remember her eating habits changing too much. It wasn't like she was pregnant.
The thought hit her, and she stilled as her heart rate began to pick up. It couldn't be possible. She was on the shot, and she never missed it. She suddenly felt anxiousness creep up on her like a vice grip. Her heart pounded mercilessly in her chest as she lifted up her shirt to look at her stomach, for the tell-tale signs of her first two pregnancies. She jumped when Erin opened her bedroom door, hastily pulling her shirt back down.
"Jesus! You scared me."
Erin looked unamused as she held her costume wig in her hands, gingerly brushing out the curls. Jennifer was glad for her obliviousness. She wanted to shove her suspicions away and pretend like they had never come out in the light of day, but she knew there was no getting away from them.
"Sorry, mom. We gotta get going, though. You want to curl my hair today instead of using the costume wig?"
Jennifer sighed as she grabbed her bomber jacket and her purse from her vanity, following her into the bathroom. "Sure thing, baby."
Two days later, Jen sat in the doctor's office, tapping her foot impatiently and biting her nails as she waited for her doctor to come back in with the blood test results. It was the same doctor who had delivered Erin and Michael, and he made light-hearted jokes about how he hadn't expected to see her back again for a pregnancy test after her vehement declarations that she was done having children after Michael had been born. The labor with him had been horrendous, and he had come out at almost 10 lbs, breaking his collar bone on the way out. The labor has been so excruciating Jennifer had honestly wanted to die, and she vowed to never have another.
The doctor's jokes did little to lighten her mood today however, and she wanted to slap him for his crude remarks. There was nothing funny about this. She didn't want to have another baby. She wasn't married, hell, she didn't even have a boyfriend. And on top of all that, the looming dread of the idea that the child may have been a product of the assault on her over a month ago, it all made her feel sick to her stomach, which further spurned on her conclusion that she might indeed be knocked up.
When the door clicked open, Jennifer stilled as he walked into the room.
"Well, it looks like you'll have another little one running around before too long."
"You're sure? You're positive?"
"Blood tests are about as accurate as it gets. You're definitely pregnant." The doctors voice seemed to waiver as he sensed her uneasiness, and he decided to try to cut the appointment as short as possible.
She stood up and started pacing, her anger and confusion reverberating around her and taking over the room. "Well how the fuck did that happen? I was on the shot, I never missed an appointment."
He shook his head, "Nothing is 100%. There's always a chance. I'll write you a script for some prenatal vitamins, you know the drill."
"I need to know how far along I am." Her voice came out more forceful than she would have liked, which tended to happen when she was scared, but she never seemed to be very good at controlling herself.
"Well, based on the last time you had your birth control shot, I'd say you're easily 4 months."
Jennifer felt an insane sense of relief at the idea. It was Jax's baby, there was no doubt about that if the doctor's timeline was correct. And even though shit was sideways between them and probably irreversibly fucked up, he was preferable over the idea that she was pregnant from the product of being gang-raped.
"Oh, thank God…"
"We'll have to do an ultrasound to be sure." The doctor coughed, shuffling around uncomfortably.
"Oh, please, can we do one today? I must know. It's important that I know, please."
He had no earthly idea what his schedule was like for the rest of the afternoon, but he was so anxious to be rid of her that he agreed to take her back and do one immediately rather than have her waiting around for an opening between appointments. Something told him she wasn't going to leave until she got the answers she needed. He didn't want to earn her wrath. He knew all women were insane in the throws of childbirth, but he could still distinctly remember how scary she had been, throwing things at her husband and telling him how she wished he was dead for getting her into this mess.
"Of course, I understand. Follow me."
SOASOASOASOA
She wanted things to go back to normal. She wanted to pretend none of it was happening at all, but her pregnancy was hanging over her head and throwing her into a state of complete confusion. She was angry, scared, lonely, and strangely enough, even a little bit excited. She couldn't wrap her mind around how fucked up her life had become or how unstable her feeling towards the situation were. Ever since Jax had made his appearance, there always seemed to be something new around the corner threatening to disturb any peace she had managed to find for herself. And just when she thought they were done completely, now this had to happen. She didn't want to do it alone. She knew she had to tell him and tell him soon before the situation got too out of hand. The longer she waited the messier it would all be. The last thing she wanted to do was humble herself and go back to him and tell him she was pregnant with his child and they needed to find a way to make it work, to make something work between them. She had raised children with someone on the outside of the law before, and it hadn't been a fucking cake walk. And now she had gone and gotten pregnant by someone even more powerful, possibly even more ruthless than the first baby daddy. And having his kid has far-reaching implications just as bad, if not worse, than her first husband.
But somehow, she couldn't bear to tell him. So, she idled, living life as she normally would, taking care of her children and working. She missed being able to have a drink and a smoke at night to unwind, especially now, when she needed it the most with how she was wound up. Everything about this pregnancy was different than her first two. She hadn't had any morning sickness, which she took as a bad omen. She almost felt like it was a dream, like she wasn't pregnant at all. She kept everyone at arm's length, her family, Jeremy; she didn't want any of them too far into her business to realize something was up. And she hadn't heard a word from Jax. She supposed he had let shit go and moved on, and she really couldn't blame him, even if she did hate him for it.
But, after a month of keeping her dirty secret to herself, she looked at herself in the mirror, noting the small bump that was beginning to peek out over her jeans in the fitted shirt she was prone to wearing. Erin and Michael were at school, and without much thought or preamble, she grabbed her purse and drove to the Clubhouse to confront it all. She did what she was good at, pushing her feelings back and trudging forward even if she was internally kicking and screaming.
She felt something akin to relief when she noticed there were no bikes parked out front of the lot. She parked her truck and walked to the office, knocking on the door light-heartedly as she entered even though it was already open. Gemma looked up over the stack of invoices in front of her, taking in Jennifer and pulling her glasses off before eyeing her warily.
"Long time no see" Jen remarked casually, her hands in her back pockets as she looked around.
Gemma stood up from her chair, setting her glasses down in front of her. "What are you doing here?"
Jennifer sighed, running her hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. "I need to see Jax."
Gemma made a face and Jennifer bristled. She didn't expect the woman to like her, and she really didn't give a shit. But the last thing she wanted was to deal with her, so she bit her tongue and took her licks.
"Yeah, I can see that. No worries. Tell him I came by?" She called over her shoulder, not waiting for a response as she walked back out to her car. Maybe coming in person had been a mistake. She would just call him and feel him out that way first. Then she could retreat if shit didn't seem copasetic.
Before she could make it out, though, the loud, low rumbling of bikes pulling on to the lot caused her head to snap up. Jax pulled in in front of everyone else, and she thought he hadn't noticed her at all. He hadn't seemed to look her way in the slightest, and she decided to jump into her car and pull out before he could cut his engine. Just as she got the keys in the ignition and her truck roared to life, she heard the rapping of his heavy ringed fingers at her window. She hung her head on the steering wheel in defeat for a moment before rolling down the window. If he had missed her, or he was surprised to see her, he gave nothing away. He was his normal, calm, arrogant self as he smirked at her while he pulled his riding gloves off.
"Hi." She breathed out, still hoping she could leave even though she knew it was in impossibility now. She couldn't leave without telling him. Something felt wrong about being in his presence and not telling him she was pregnant.
Instead of answering her, Jax looked at her expectantly as though he were waiting for an explanation. She cut the engine and opened her car door, causing him to jump back.
"I… I need to talk to you. Is there somewhere we can go?"
Jax looked at her hesitantly, and she thought she would die of shame if he turned her away without giving her the dignity to speak to him. His eyes lingered on her for a moment before he grabbed her hand, leading her into the clubhouse. When they got in, he led her to a ladder which she climbed up behind him, taking them up to the roof. Being midday, it was hot as fuck up there, and she thought it was probably a lovely place when it was nighttime or when the sun was setting, but right now it was anything but comfortable.
"So?" He started, beckoning her to speak.
True to her character, Jennifer blurted out the truth with no buffer and very little forethought.
"I'm pregnant."
Jax's eyes flashed something like fear, not exactly the reaction she had hoped for. What had she hoped for? She couldn't remember anymore. Her eyes burned, and she could hear her heart beating as the blood rushed through her body, spurning her to keep talking.
"I'm pregnant, I'm almost 5 months along. So, I guess you must have knocked me up right when we first started… seeing each other. I just wanted you to know. I just found out not too long ago, I haven't been keeping it a secret or anything. I was on birth control, so I really didn't have a clue. I guess we just got… lucky."
When Jax didn't say anything, she turned away from him, walking around the rooftop so she could do anything except wait on his words. She felt like she was going to burst. Finally, when she turned back towards him, he ran his hands down his face, looking all of his 32 years with his weariness.
"You're sure it's mine?"
Jennifer couldn't fault him for the question. She wanted to be fair with him, to offer him a paternity test when the baby was here, but she couldn't help her anger even if she knew in her heart that he had every right to ask it.
Her eyes flashed as she squared her shoulders. "Of course, it yours!" When Jax's face remained stoic and nonplussed at her outburst, she kept going, spreading her misery around. "I wish it were anybody but yours! I-"
She didn't finish her sentence as Jax came towards her angrily, and she nearly flinched.
"STOP talking."
For once in her life, she shut her mouth, biting her lip at the angry, bitter tears that were hot behind her eyes, tears she refused to let fall. This wasn't going at all how she had hoped it would, even if she didn't exactly know what her vision had been. Logically, she knew she couldn't have expected a calm, happy, warm reception from him. But still – she had hoped for something a little more encouraging. Jax finally turned away from her, a sneer on his face. He seemed to be determined to look in any direction except hers as he walked back towards the ladder they had come up on.
"I gotta go handle some shit. I'll talk to you about this soon."
As much as she wanted to yell at him and go after him, she refused to lose her dignity that way in front of a passel of bikers. She stomped her foot with impertinence as she rubbed her eyes angrily, trying to keep from crying. She couldn't start crying right now, or she knew she'd never stop, and then someone might come up to check on her, and she would truly rather die than have anyone of these people forced to offer her sympathy.
Walking towards the edge of the rooftop, she watched as Jax sped out of the lot, her arms crossed over her chest. How could she have gotten herself into a mess like this? She felt at this point, the universe was conspiring against her, and she didn't know which way was up anymore.
SOASOASOASOA
It had been eight days since she had told Jax she was pregnant. Eight whole goddam days, not that she was counting. It was just that each day that passed her astonishment grew, and she was so stunned at him ignoring her at this point, it was hard not to keep track.
She figured maybe she had judged his character wrong. Jax was a lot of things – egotistical, conceited, clever, manipulative. But she had never pegged him as a man who shirked his responsibilities or didn't answer to the call of duty. There was no greater responsibility than parenthood, and she couldn't believe how things were transpiring. Then again, she realized she had never been a solid judge of character, evidenced by the fact that she was a single mother of two already. It seemed increasingly likely that she was going to become a single mother of three before the year was up.
She threw the towel over her shoulder, concentrating on prepping the food before her for dinner tonight. Lacey had bullied her into coming over for dinner, and all the kids were currently upstairs watching a movie and dozing off for an afternoon nap. Jennifer couldn't stand watching other people work around her, and so she had offered to help get dinner prepared while they waited for Nucky and the rest of the family to show up. Lacey was pregnant again, and she was giddy about it. Lacey was one of those girls who positively lit up at the idea of conception. It was still early, so she hadn't told Nucky or anyone yet, but had confided in Jennifer earlier in the afternoon in a soft, eager lament about how lucky she was. Lacey was not built like her, and her pregnancies had been terribly hard on her. She had almost died having the last, and Jennifer though her a fool to attempt another pregnancy. She was so weak and frail and had miscarried plenty of times. She would have to talk to Nucky about it. She hoped he wasn't pushing Lacey for more kids, or he was certainly going to hear from her about the subject.
When Lacey had gone green while chopping the veggies, Jennifer had told her to go lie down for a little bit while she got the rest done. Pregnancy had never been hard on her, and she didn't mind taking up the slack where other people couldn't. When the front door opened, she finished chopping the bell pepper in front of her before she glanced to see who it was, falsely assuming it was just Nucky coming home. When she looked towards the doorway, however, she saw Jeremy.
She felt that familiar, sinking feeling in her stomach as she looked at him. His eyes were hooded and glazed over, and he had an air of indignation around him. There was no doubt he was high. She had lived through it for so long, she didn't need any drug test to prove it to her. She knew all the signs too well. Wiping her hands off on the towel, she leaned back against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms over her chest. She was at a loss for what to say. There was no point in yelling at him, she had done it too many times and it never helped a damn thing. And she had no clue if he had been invited to dinner or not, so she didn't want to offend her family by asking him what the fuck he was doing here.
Jeremy made his way into the kitchen, and his gaze landed on her stomach. Suddenly her throat felt tight and she couldn't move as her heart threatened to beat its way out of her chest. Her bump was small, even if she had gained some weight all over, especially for how far along she was, and she hadn't gone through great lengths to try to cover it up. No one had noticed a damn thing yet, or if they had, they hadn't said anything. Jeremy, however, was more in tune with her body than any of them and knew full well what she looked like pregnant. And it seemed it hadn't escaped his notice this time.
Suddenly, she felt scared. Jeremy had hit her a few times in the worst of his addiction, but she had never been truly frightened of him, at least not to the point of fearing for her life. Now though, she felt fear. When Jeremy was high he had little empathy for anyone else or the fragility of other humans, and she knew the rage he must feel at her being pregnant with someone else's child was another level than anything they had ever been on before. She wanted to dart away from him as he came towards her, but somehow, her feet stood planted to the spot. The look on his face was that of pure disdain and shock, and she almost pitied him. When he grabbed her shoulders roughly and shook her slightly, she began to fight back like a cornered animal, pushing him away as hard as he could.
"You get your goddam hands off of me." She snarled, and Jeremy sneered as he went towards her again, but they both stopped and turned their heads at the sound of someone cocking their gun.
In the doorway to the kitchen, Lacey stood with a 9mm that looked laughably huge in her hands. Jennifer wanted to holler at the thought of Lacey with a gun and acting as a threat to anyone, but she stopped when she saw the determined, unshakeable look in her eyes. She never thought she would live to see the day Lacey stood up to someone, and to have it be now, and to a man like Jeremy, Jennifer had to give it to her. She had more nerve than she had ever given her credit for.
"Back the fuck up and get out of my house." Lacey uttered, and her tone left little room for discussion. Jennifer, still in shock over Jeremy and now Lacey, could do little other than stand there and watch what was happening in front of her.
"Stay the fuck out of this." Jeremy sneered, and as he turned to make his way towards Lacey, Jennifer grabbed his arm.
"Just go, please." She said harshly, and Jeremy locked eyes with her again, and she saw all the promise of what his gaze held towards her. She knew their conversation was far from over as he smirked at her, turning around and heading towards the front door.
"I'll be seeing you again real soon." He said, leaving without shutting the door behind him. Jennifer and Lacey looked at each other warily before Jennifer followed behind him, locking the door and peering out the window to make sure he got in his car and left. Turning around, she saw Lacey shaking slightly as she set the gun on the table. Jennifer made her way over to her, forcing her to sit down.
"I'm so sorry that just happened here. Jesus, Lacey, what were you thinking? Are you alright?"
Lacey ran a hand through her long hair, pushing it away from her face. She looked so sickly and pale, Jennifer wanted to help her but hardly knew where to start. Lacey looked down at Jennifer's stomach pointedly, before locking eyes with her again.
"Are you okay?" Lacey asked, her tone accusatory. "I didn't want to say anything, but…"
Jennifer collapsed back in her chair, sighing. There was no way of getting away from the conversation now, no matter how much she didn't want to have it.
"It's a long story, Lacey."
"You and Jeremy? Are you?..."
"No. It's not his. It's Jax's."
Lacey looked scandalized by the information. Everyone knew she had been catting around with Jax, but Lacey had never once brought it up to her. She wasn't likely to bring up anything to Jennifer that might anger her or cause a rift between them. Hearing Jennifer so bluntly state that not only had they been together, but now she was pregnant with his child was hard for her to take in.
"Oh." Lacey replied lamely, fretting with her hair now in an anxious way. Jennifer rolled her eyes. She didn't want to talk to anyone about this shit.
Jennifer stood up from her chair, grabbing her purse. "Listen, thank you, for what you just did for me. That took balls. I think I'm going to take the kids and head home, though. I'm not really up for a family dinner anymore." Jennifer moved past Lacey to go upstairs, when Lacey shot up beside her, pulling her into a firm hug.
"I'm sorry, please don't be angry with me. You know I support you no matter what you do, Jen. All babies are blessings. I'll be right there behind you."
Jennifer hated herself for wanting to cry at Lacey's words, and attributed her new found past time of weeping at anything that evoked too much emotion in her to being knocked up. She couldn't think of anything good to say, so she simply nodded, moving out of the room so she could collect Erin and Michael and get the fuck out of there.
SOASOASOASOA
You got any doctors bills you need paid yet?
Jennifer stared at the phone in her hand and fumed. Two fucking weeks of silence, and then this. This awkward, short, rude fucking text message from him. She wanted to scream. She paced her living room in frustration as she read it again, trying to think of what to say back to him. No, maybe she would just ignore his ass like he had ignored her for two weeks. Yes, that would teach him. He would go crazy if she iced him out for a month or two now that she was pregnant. The idea didn't sit right with her though, even if it would have given her some level of satisfaction. After pacing the room a few more times, finally she called him, unable to hold back any longer.
She barely let him speak once he picked up the phone before she started in on him.
"Doctor's bills? That's what you want to talk about? I don't need your fucking money, Jax, that's not what I want from you!"
"What do you want?"
"I want you to act like you give a fuck!" She yelled, angry at him, and doubly angry at how worked up he was making her get. When he didn't say anything, she looked at her phone only to see that he had ended the call.
"Ugh!" Jennifer yelled, throwing her phone at the wall in annoyance. After standing there and contemplating how fucking angry she was for a few moments longer, she finally made her way towards the kitchen and started irritably washing her dishes. She had to do something before she went to sleep, as there was no way she was going to get to bed with how unsettled she currently was. She jumped when she heard a harsh knock at her door some time later. Of all the things she had expected, him coming to her house wasn't one of them. But she was glad for it. She was ready for the fight.
She walked to the door, throwing it open stormily. Jax stood before her in all his glory, and she hated that she still wanted to jump his bones. In fact, she probably even wanted it more now than ever before. Being pregnant made her horny and being ignored only made her chase harder.
"We need to talk" Jax remarked cooly, pushing his way into the house and shutting the door behind him.
"No shit!"
"You need to calm down. You being furious all the time isn't good for the baby."
"Then quit acting like such a douchebag and maybe I'll settle down a bit."
Jax stalked towards her angrily. "Watch you're fucking mouth." He commanded her, grabbing her by the arm. She shook out of his grip hastily.
"No! Fuck that, I'm done catering to men like you. I'll say what I please, especially when it's the truth."
Jax backed away from her, running a hand over his face, and holding his arms out as he smirked dangerously. "What the fuck do you want from me, Jennifer? You have no fucking idea how deep I'm buried here right now. I'm about to go away, for a long fucking time. How am I supposed to help you?"
"Figure it out. It's just as much your responsibility as it is mine. I'm sick of toting everyone's load! It's not fucking fair, I didn't ask for this." She was trying to keep her voice down, but it seemed impossible when she was this heated.
"But we got it." Jax replied, his tone softening as he moved towards her. "Shit happens sometimes. We just gotta ride it out."
Jennifer scoffed. "You have no clue what kind of commitment a kid is, Jax. This isn't something that gets easier, trust me."
Jax stared at her for a few moments before taking her hands in his, and she resigned herself to it, unwilling to fight any harder.
"Do you want this baby?" he asked her, and he was looking at her again in that strange way, like he was waiting for her to say something specific. She hated when he looked at her that way, because she never knew what he was waiting for and the pressure was uncomfortable.
"It's way too late to terminate…"
"That's not what I'm asking." He cut her off quickly. "Do you want this baby? With me?" He asked again, with more resolve.
Jennifer sighed, looking at her feet for a moment before lifting her eyes to meet his. "Yes."
"Then I'm in." He said, and he smirked as he saw the relief wash over her face. He raised his hands up, cradling her head as he brushed his thumbs over her cheeks. "You gotta stop thinking, Jennifer. Stop thinking about how wrong this all is, about your family, about who I am. Just take it for what it is and enjoy the good parts."
"I wish it were that easy." She scoffed.
"It is, just trust me. I got you." Jennifer leaned into him, and finally felt the first semblance of contentment she had in a long time as he wrapped his arms around her. If Jax was in, everything would be better. She knew she would make it somehow either way, but there was relief in knowing she wasn't going to have to navigate it all alone.