I'm on a roll so here's another update! Thank you again to Autumn2012 for your review, and I hope that this update answers at least one of your questions! The others will be answered in future updates, so don't worry :D Also, sorry about the size of this chapter, but it was impossible to shorten! Hope you enjoy! :)
"Oh shit…" Sam muttered under her breath as soon as she saw the Ministry of Defence logo on the envelope, and her fear as to what lay inside the neatly opened envelope were only confirmed when she saw that it was addressed to The relatives of Major Samantha Nicholls. She knew exactly what lay inside these envelopes, she'd seen enough of them go out, but how hers had come to be sent out and end up in her ex-husband's possession she did not know. Sam pinched herself hard, her nails digging into her arm and, to her surprise, drawing a tiny speck of blood. Nope, she was most certainly not dead. "Ok then" She muttered to herself, taking out the letter. "Let's see what I said then, now that I'm dead…"
To Dylan and Dervla,
Well… How do I start this off eh, I've never been good at writing these letters, although I must admit, it is much easier to get your feelings down on paper than it is to say them… There's no walking out and slamming a door (hehe..) I'm sorry doesn't really seem appropriate, but I am, I am so sorry that you're reading this letter Dylan, I know how you hate all this emotional stuff, but this might be a hard one, even for you. But then again it might not, who knows… I'm sorry that I got blown up/shot/stabbed (which ever applies). I want you to tell Dervla that I love her and that I'm sorry that I'll never take her for any long walks anymore… I will miss those walks; I loved our long walks in the country with her, do you remember…? (sorry for the marks on the paper, I'm getting emotional…) Well I'm dead now, so you don't have to put up with me and my emotions anymore (even though I didn't let you see them often anyway…), but now that I'm gone there are some things that I want you to know.
Number 1 - I never wanted our marriage to end… I never wanted any of what happened to happen, and I know that I said some pretty disgusting things to you over the years; things that I have never forgotten or forgiven myself for. You know what I mean, but I just want you to know that all of those things… All of those things were said in anger, I never meant them, I just wanted to hurt you like you were hurting me… It killed me to say those things, every time I felt like such a cold and heartless bitch; who turns on their husband when they're all that they have left in the world? I had the army Dylan, and my job, but they weren't going to be by my side, holding my hand in my old age, maybe as I passed away even. I had no family other than you Dylan, it seems stupid now; the fact that I lied to you about my family, all those cards that we got off my mum and dad… I bought them myself and got some random person to sign them… Pretty pathetic isn't it? But I never wanted to put any pressure on you, I know what you're like, you'd have bolted in fear if I'd have confessed and then I really would have been alone. I never told you this but I hate being alone; I need someone with me, just to reassure me, make sure that I'm not going insane. I was so scared that I'd die alone. But who knows, maybe you were there at the end… Saying that, I'm being selfish, I hope that you weren't there, to be honest. I've seen what sort of wounds soldiers can get, and I don't want your last memory of me to be lying on some white bed, blown to bits by some stupid IED. I know you Dylan, and that would kill you. Either that, or you'd go back to the alcohol, and that would…
Sam's eyes filled with tears as she read through the letter, holding the already tearstained sheets of paper in her hand. She remembered clearly the night on which she had sat and written the last letter for her husband; her last chance to put both their minds at rest and to reassure him that she did in fact love him more than life itself, even though she showed little more than contempt for him in the days before she left for her last tour. She had been sat in a plush hotel room, drowning her sorrows in her third bottle of red wine after an enormous fight with Dylan down the phone over her imminent return to Afghanistan. Just thinking of the hurtful comments he had made made the hairs on her neck bristle; but now she understood that it was fear that had led to Dylan behaving as he had towards her, fear that she, like so many others would be the next to die. The next in a long line of photos on national news, as some reporter who never knew her reported on how her death was a tragedy, although it wouldn't have been. She could see the report she had imagined for herself in her mind even now, going something along the lines of;
"Major Samantha Nicholls, killed today in the Helmand province of Afghanistan; no family or friends to be informed." But that had changed since she had come to Holby, she finally had a small group of people around her that she could lean on; there was Jeff and Dixie, Tom, Nick and even Zoe. Leaning back on the sofa, she realised how much weight had been lifted off her shoulders since she had found the group of people that she had come to see as friends.
Number 2- Please Dylan, please don't go back to drinking after I'm gone. I want you to have a life, live your life and be brilliant; be my sweet, brilliant and infuriating husband… And if you ever find some rare disease, please, call it Keogh disease or something; then your name, our name, will go on long after you've died and no-one knows that I even existed. I know this sounds like self-pity, but it's true because there is no-one other than you and Dervla who will care when I die. I want you to try and behave, be nice to your colleagues and don't forget to eat properly ok? I know all you eat is take away when I'm out here haha…
She smiled at the memory of what she had discovered on her return from her first deployment; she had gone to the hospital where Dylan worked, where she had first met him as a patient all those years ago. Their colleagues had informed her of her husband's take away addiction, and of the fact that he had put on a few pounds since she had last seen him. It didn't stop her lunging for him though as soon as she saw him; wrapping her arms around his tubby belly and wishing for all the world that she would never ever have to let go, never have to stop breathing in his smell, never have to remove her head from his chest as great huge sobs of relief at being home had escaped her.
I was young and stupid when I first met you, Dylan, do you remember? I had been out celebrating the end of my first term studying medicine, I was a baby step closer to being an army medic like I'd always wanted… I remember how you stared when I came in; I know what you must have thought, a tiny young scrap of a thing being carried into hospital by two burly squaddies, covered in blood and looking around like nothing had happened. I remember what you said to me, about teenagers mixed with alcohol; how they were never a good mix. Then I told you I had a gun… You didn't have move then haha! I've never seen you stitch and dress a wound faster since then! I remember, when I woke up the next morning, I heard the other doctors muttering about your 'interesting patient' and wondering who it was, until I realised that they were all looking at me. God you had a shock when I turned up as your new mentee a few months later. You remembered me and you made my life hell; trying to test me out, see how strong army training makes you. And I proved that it makes you strong. Very strong. I've had to be strong to deal with the things that I've seen. To deal with the things that I've done…
Number 3 -Our wedding day was the happiest that I've ever been in my life. It was perfect… I know that it was a good day for you too, you enjoyed it, you made me feel so loved when you told me that I looked beautiful. You hadn't ever told me before, and I don't think you have since haha. It meant such a lot to me, the whole day. Having you by my side meant such a lot to me, it still does. Anyway, I've run out of paper now my darling so I've to wrap this letter up… But there's just one thing that I want to make absolutely clear to you, and I never want you to forget this last little paragraph, ok? It's the most important part of this letter…
I'm sorry that I had to go and die on you Dylan, I know how much you hate it when you come across someone that you can't save… I'm sorry that you were never able to save me, but I think I was beyond help. I'm sorry that you couldn't save me from myself. I love you.
Mrs Samantha Keogh, your wife. Xxx