AN: You guys are killing me with reviews, lol. They make me want to write even faster, but I'm already writing as fast as humanly possible! Speaking of which, here's the new chapter. It's the one we've all been dreading; Edward makes his formal debut. Ugh. But on the bright side, I think the overall chapter turned out very well. :)

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Chapter 11:

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It wasn't a long walk. About fifteen minutes. The trail went around a bend of trees and up a slight rise. The ground was moist and littered with yellow leaves that were sifted through the dirt. The breeze had turned off a little cool and I wrapped my jacket around myself tighter, hugging myself as I trudged along. Eventually the trees thinned and I came out onto the overlook that Alice spoke of. The cliffside looked out over a vast reach of dark pine forest. The sky above was white and bleached. There was a homemade wooden fence that ran along the edge and standing at the rail was Edward.

Edward.

Seeing him with my own eyes caused something to curl up in my stomach. He had his back to me and I stopped at the edge of the woods without approaching. I didn't know what to do or say. How do you even say hello to the man who dumped you without so much as a conversation about it? Who's abandonment of you left you vulnerable to a pair of psycho vampires who broke your arm and killed your mother? I really didn't know and for a long moment I simply stared at the back of his head, at his familiar bronze hair and the pale nape of his neck. This was the man everybody assumed was my mate. Victoria, Alice. Even his family had certain expectations of us. But none of them realized that it had always been mostly just an infatuation on my side. First love mingled with an awe of vampirism. That's all it was and all of it had been shattered when he dumped me and I didn't think it could ever be put back together.

He spoke without turning around.

"Did Alice tell to you come?" he asked softly.

I took a breath to steady myself. "How did you know I was here?"

"Your scent."

I trudged over beside him and he turned to me with a sorrowful expression. His face was pale and angular and there was a faint sparkle across his skin from the thin sunrays that broke through the clouds. I hadn't been attracted to boys in a pretty long time but his sublime handsomeness did give me a tiny flutter.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said.

"Yeah," I muttered. "Me too."

He continued looking at me, so sad, so remorseful. "I heard everything from Alice's thoughts. About your mother. About Victoria and James."

I looked away. The reminder of my mother caused a pang in my chest. It had already been days but I still found it hard to believe that my mother—my mom—was no longer part of this world any more. All because of…

Who?

Edward? No. Edward had made a grave mistake, but it was wrong to blame him. James. James was the one who killed her.

We were silent for a while and finally Edward shook his head. After the gravity of his remorseful stillness, the movement seemed almost theatrical.

"I always thought my inability to read your mind was a blessing," he said. "But now, I'm not sure. Maybe it still is. You must hate me so much."

I sighed and looked up at him. "I don't hate you, Edward."

"You should," he said, already telling me what to do. "Everything I've done…"

He shook his head and looked out over the forest again, doing as much as he could to look like a man of tragedy. His sadness was profound, but I'm sure a big part of it was over his inability to shed a dramatic tear. Either way, I was already sick of his shit.

"Yeah, well," I said. "Things happen. You can't take them back. Apologies don't do anything."

"No. But I can promise to protect you from now on."

"Alice already did."

He turned back to me, his bronze brow creased in his new expression of ever-crinkled woe. He looked like he wanted to take my hands but didn't dare. "Will you ever be able to forgive me, Bella?"

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't know, Edward."

"You need to understand that all I wanted to do was protect you. It was dangerous for you to be involved in our lives. I had no idea there were other vampires out there. If I knew…"

"I get that, Edward. The problem is, you made the decision for me. You didn't even ask what I wanted."

"Because I knew you would want to stay with me."

"And did that mean anything to you at all? My feelings? Or did you just brush them off as if I was a child who didn't know any better?"

He hung his head and I felt a rush of adrenaline at how well I had articulated what I had been feeling all these months. More was rising to the surface, more anger, more hurt, and my voice got louder as I continued.

"Because the way it turned out," I went on, "maybe I did know better. Do you know what I wanted to do, Edward? Instead of breaking up? I didn't only want to stay with you, I wanted to become a vampire as well. That way I wouldn't have been in any danger, not from you, not from Jasper or James, and not from any other vampire who'd happen to come along."

"It's not that simple, Bella."

I narrowed my eyes at how, after everything that happened, he still dared to contradict me. "Yes, it is, Edward. It is that simple. And it's even simpler now, because frankly I don't trust any of you to protect me anymore. If you wanna help me, you can turn me into a vampire. Then I can protect myself."

"No," he said. "Absolutely not."

His flat denial was like a slap in the face. I stared at him in disbelief. A loose formation of birds crossed the gorge with high calls and my voice came out in whisper barely louder than the wind whistling in the trees.

"What did you say?"

He was frowning, but not in sadness anymore. In stubbornness. Because he thought I wasn't listening to him. That fucking bastard. It was HIM who wasn't listening. It was HIM who never listened. It was HIM who—

"Becoming a vampire is a permanent decision, Bella," he said. "It's not something you can decide while in an emotional state."

I looked at him in disgust. "I'm not emotional."

"Yes, you are," he insisted, "and you need to see that. Becoming a vampire changes your entire life. Destroys it. Is that what you really want? Do you really want to throw away your ability to sleep, to eat, to feel actual human love, just because…"

I took a violent step away from him suddenly and flapped my hand angrily. "Just because what? Because I no longer feel safe as a fragile human knowing that there are vampires out there who want to kill me? Because my mother is dead and I want to kill the guy who did it? These are facts, Edward. Not emotions. My life is already destroyed and ruined. And who said I was asking for your advice anyway?"

"Bella, I'm just trying to protect—"

He reached for my hand and I almost fucking slapped him. I withdrew with a gasp of rage and screamed at him: "No! No! I've had enough of your bullshit, Edward! You don't make my decisions for me anymore, do you understand? You left me. No, you dumped me. And you still think you have any say over what goes on in my life? Fuck you."

His face went lost. He truly didn't understand what he did wrong. "Bella…"

I was crying now, tears of anger and frustration, and I shook my head as I backed away from him. "No, I've heard enough. If it wasn't for you trying to control my life, none of this would've happened in the first place. James is alive because YOU failed to kill him. And now my mother is dead. She's DEAD, Edward. Do you even understand that?!"

Edward lowered his head. I wiped my eyes and shook my head again.

"Look, just leave me alone, alright? I need some space. I'm going to be staying at that house until I'm fit to leave, but just stay away from me."

Then I turned and marched back through the woods.

I was moving so briskly that I got back to the house in half the time. I came frowning down the little dirt lane Alice had showed me, passed the barn and the paddock, and I found Alice waiting for me on the back porch with a sheepish expression. The porch was wooden and there were potted flowers there and a bench that hung from two chains. She was sitting on the bench, swinging gently, and she rose when I came stomping up the steps. I didn't know how good vampire hearing was but she asked anyway:

"How'd it go?"

I went past her without answering and tore open the screendoor.

I went directly upstairs and realized I had no idea which was the room they had put me in. I opened a door that seemed likely and inside was a small closet filled with mops and brooms and cleaning fluids. Muttering to myself, I closed the door and opened a different one. This one was the bedroom I had woken up in, so I went inside and closed the door again.

After that, I didn't really know what to do. I stood there, frowning. That fucking Edward. And why was Alice so determined to push me toward him? Why did everyone think I was so eager to forgive him and let him control my life again?

While I was stewing, I noticed my personal things on the dresser. Purse, keys. Phone. I looked at the phone and realized with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I still hadn't called my dad. He must be worried sick by now. First his ex-wife is killed, then his daughter disappears. I still wasn't sure if I was ready to speak to him, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to put it off any longer. I didn't know how much I was allowed to tell him about what was happening, but I had to at least let him know I was okay.

So I picked up the phone. There were dozens of missed calls and texts from both Charlie and Jake. I didn't have the heart to go through them. I just hit the button to call dad. He answered on the first ring and his voice came over breathless and half-desperate.

"Bells? Bells, is that you?"

"Yeah, dad," I said. "It's me."

He made a sound on the other end of the phone, a strangled whimper of mingled relief and worry. Then he forced it away and his voice became stern. "Where are you? Are you alright? What happened? There was another break in at your mother's old house. Her car was stolen. Jake said you guys went there to look for clues and found the place busted up. Then he said you ran off on him. Do you have any idea how stupid that was?"

I nodded and closed my eyes to concentrate.

"Dad, listen to me," I said. "I'm alright."

"Where are you?"

"I'm with Alice."

He went silent. In shock. That was probably the last thing he was expecting, for the Cullens to be back in my life. I still hadn't fully committed to it myself.

"She came to pick me up in Phoenix," I went on. "I'm staying with her family for a little bit."

"Where?"

"It doesn't matter."

"The hell it doesn't. You're my daughter, Bella."

"Dad, please. Just trust me."

"Trust you? Where are you, Bells? Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you."

I shook my head, still with my eyes closed. I was pinching the bridge of my nose and I didn't want to be rude to him or lie to him or take him for granted, but he didn't understand. My life was in danger. His life was in danger. Everything was fucked up and…

"Bells?"

I sighed and opened my eyes. "Are you still in Phoenix?" I asked him.

"Of course I am. You disappeared, Bells, did you think I was gonna just go home without you?"

"Well, you can go home now, alright? I'll meet you there as soon as I can. Don't worry about me, okay? I'll be fine. I just need some time alone."

"Bells, just tell me where you are."

"I can't, dad. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disappear like that. I really didn't. Just promise me you'll go home to Forks, okay? I love you."

"Bells—"

I hung up before I could start crying. Instantly the phone rang again in my hands. I hit ignore. It rang one more time and I took the battery out.

—

It was hours later with the sun going down in the window when I was lonely enough to want Alice. Being secretly in love with her for so long made it impossible not to forgive her for virtually anything, and after brooding on my bed for multiple hours, it became all too clear that my longing for her far outweighed any anger at her zeal of reuniting me with her brother.

So I left the room and crept down the corridor, wondering where she was. I could hear voices as I was coming down the stairs and I was surprised to find the whole family—aside from Edward, Jasper, and Emmett—in the living room together. The stairs descended directly into the living room and they stopped speaking when they saw me, Esme and Carlisle exchanging glances, Rosalie glaring, Alice attempting a smile. I seemed to have interrupted a family conference and their sudden silence suggested that it was me they had been discussing.

Esme rose from the sofa she was sitting on and offered me a smile. "Well, I think I'll go make something to eat," she said. "Are you hungry, Bella?"

"A little bit," I said quietly. "Thanks."

She smiled again and nodded and looked at the other members of her family as if to silently give them a hint. Rosalie sighed and rose to her feet disdainfully. Carlisle was already standing and he gave me a nod before he followed his wife into the kitchen. Rosalie was a little slower and she gave me one of her glares as she went past and started up the stairs.

The only person who stayed behind was Alice.

She was sitting on the sofa and I went around to sit next to her. She was smiling apologetically and she had her hands in her lap. If she had no idea how cute and forgivable she looked in that posture, then she really was as innocent as she looked.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," I replied.

She milked the moment of silence for a bit, nibbling her lip sheepishly, before she sighed and spoke. "So it didn't go so good with Edward, huh?"

"What gave you a clue?"

"Well, for starters, he's completely disappeared."

I blinked at her. "Excuse me?"

She chuckled, as if Edward was a child who'd done something cute, and shook her head at his antics. "Yeah," she said. "That's what we were talking about just then. I've had visions of him in a few different places. Looks like he hasn't decided where he's going, but he's definitely not coming back here for a while."

"Unbelievable," I said in disgust. "Why does he have to turn everything into such a fucking drama?"

Alice giggled once and shrugged. "It's what we love about him, I guess."

I shook my head and literally face palmed. I can't even. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? He was a hundred years old, for fuck's sake. I'm only eighteen and I had more emotional depth and maturity than this caricature of a man named Edward.

Alice waited a moment and then she cocked her head. "So what happened?"

"I don't know," I muttered. "What did you think would happen?"

"I thought you would talk it out. I know how hurt you are, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't know. Doesn't love conquer all?"

"Who said I love him, Alice?"

She didn't reply to that and her face finally went a little sad. I raised my eyebrows inquisitively and acted like I actually expected her to answer.

"Huh? Who said? Because I never did. One thing you and everyone else keep forgetting is that he dumped me. I mean, did you honestly think that I was just sitting around in Forks praying for an opportunity to get back together with him after the way he treated me? And after everything that happened because of it?"

She listened to me and her expression made me soften. Because I could see that she was truly listening.

And understanding.

"Seriously, Alice," I said, letting my voice soften. "You expected me to go running back to him but did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to? That maybe I don't even want to be part of his life anymore?"

"No," she whispered apologetically. "I never thought of that at all."

"Yeah, I could tell," I muttered, looking away with my eyes stinging.

Alice put a hand on my knee and bent to the side slightly so that she could look into my face. "I'm sorry, Bella," she said. "But you never told me any of this."

"Of course I never told you, Alice. He's your brother. You want him to be happy. You don't care about me, you just…"

"Hey," she said, jostling my knee with her hand. "That's not true. I do care about you."

I sniffed once and looked at her. "You do?"

A large smile spread over her lips. "Of course I do, silly. More than you know. Do you have any idea how much it broke me up to leave you in Forks like we did? I was almost ready to rip off Edward's head myself."

I chuckled. It was a bit of a wet chuckle. Alice giggled as well and went on.

"Not only because I was going to miss you," she said, "but because I knew how much it would hurt you. He didn't even let me say goodbye. I hated him so much for forcing me to do that, but…"

She trailed off for a moment and looked aside. I watched her face as she drifted in thought, her eyelashes, her white-satin skin, her lips. God, she was so pretty.

"But he's my brother," she said finally. "And you're right. I want him to be happy."

My heart sank a little. But then she smiled and jostled my knee again.

"But not at the expense of your own happiness," she said. "If you don't want to be with him anymore, that's fine. All you had to do was say so."

I smiled and looked at her in amazement. Could this be? Someone who actually understood and cared about my feelings?

"Really?" I asked.

Alice giggled and gave me a hug, there on the sofa. "Yes, Bella," she said. "I promise I'll never push you toward him again, okay?"

I smiled and hugged her back. But then my smile began to slip away, because…

"Bella?" she said as she let me go and saw my face. "What's wrong?"

I looked at her hesitantly. "Edward was the only reason we became friends," I said. "So if Edward and I break up…"

Alice touched a fingertip to my lips to silence me. "Stop right there," she said with a smile. "You're more to me than my brother's girlfriend, okay? Much more. You always were."

My eyes began to go moist again. I always knew she liked me, but I never knew how much. Now I knew. She liked me for more than my relationship to her brother.

Much more.

Those last two words caused a flicker or two in my chest but I didn't dwell on them. Yet even as I tried not to dwell on them, it occurred to me all over again that she had always sent mixed signals, and she had always been so liberal with the hugs and body contact, and she was always so playful and flirty, and now here she was telling me how important I was to her and that she always wanted me in her life even if I broke up with her brother. Was it possible that maybe…

"Besides," she went on with her bright and beautiful smile. "There's other ways of obtaining a sister than by pimping out your brother."

She held up a pinkie finger and tilted her head.

"Sisters?" she asked.

I smiled as well and linked my pinkie with hers.

"Sisters," I said.

She giggled and locked our pinkies and then gave me a hug with a playfully aggressive little growl that squeezed a giggle out of me too. Then she sat back and placed her hands in her lap and looked at me with a smile.

"Good," she said. "Now tell me everything."

At first I didn't know what she meant. "About what?"

"About what happened with Edward," she said. "Just because you're not getting back together, doesn't mean I'm not curious about the details. Did you have a fight?"

Now that the truth was out, I felt I could approach the subject a little more casually, knowing that she would understand and that she was on my side. Still, I didn't want to trash him, so I just gave a little shrug.

"Not really," I said. "I only raised my voice toward the end. Actually, everything was fine until I mentioned I wanted someone to turn me into a vampire. I knew he probably wouldn't want to do it himself, but then he went all stubborn and self-righteous. Even though becoming a vampire is literally the only way I have of protecting myself—and my family—he still acts like…"

I trailed off when I noticed how pensive she became.

"What's wrong?"

She made a hesitant expression and spoke even more hesitantly. "Are you sure you still want to become a vampire? Even though you're breaking up with Edward?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, immortality without a mate to share it with might not be all that great in the long run. Vampires don't have online dating, you know. And even if we did, most of them tend to be evil monsters."

"That's not the point, Alice. This is about survival. And protecting myself."

"I can protect you."

"I know, but it's not just that. James killed my mother, Alice. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Cry about it and move on? No. I'm not gonna wait around for him to come find me. I'm going to go find him and I'm going to kill him for what he did."

Alice didn't quite seem to approve but she wasn't stubborn like Edward. She just seemed to be worried about me. "We could kill him for you," she suggested.

"Like you killed him the first time?" I retorted.

Alice winced and I felt a little guilty. But that doesn't mean I wasn't right.

"Sorry, Alice," I said, "but I'd have to be an idiot to trust all of you again so easily."

"I know, I understand," she said. "I just think you might be taking this decision a little lightly."

"Lightly?"

"Eternity without a mate can be very bleak, Bella."

"Because my life right now is a bowl of fucking cherries, right?"

She winced again and nodded in agreement to that point, but she had other points to make too. "The other thing to consider is the newborn phase. Newly created vampires experience extreme amounts of strength and bloodlust. Becoming a vampire might protect you physically, but how will you feel if you lose control and go on a rampage in your quest for revenge?"

I opened my mouth and closed it again. I guess she finally made a point worth making. Fuck.

Alice let me think about that for a second and then she went on. "And what about your father? As a newborn, you would be far more of a danger to him than James and Victoria are. And how would you even explain it? You would basically have to say goodbye to him forever."

Shit, another effective point. My shoulders deflated.

Alice smiled and rubbed my knee. "I'm not trying to interfere with your decision, Bella," she said, "I just want you to know what you'd be getting yourself into. I'm fully aware that remaining human has it's downsides too. You'll be vulnerable if we fail to protect you. You'll get old. But becoming a vampire isn't some magic solution. It's just a different set of problems. I just want you to be prepared, that's all."

I nodded and gave her a smile to let her know I appreciated it. She smiled as well and caressed my knee. I looked at the hand there. So small and white. How many times had she touched my knee since I sat down? And how many hugs? It was almost like she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I looked at her. She rubbed my knee again, smiling, as if she wasn't aware of anything weird at all. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Would you turn me?" I asked her.

She nodded decisively and without hesitation. "Yes," she said. "I would turn you, and I would guide you through the newborn phase. I'd do whatever you need me to, Bella. I just don't want to lose you again. After the first time I lost you, I realized that…"

But she cut herself off and shook her head sillily.

"Well, you're very special to me," she said. "Like a little sister."

I smiled with a strange joy welling in my chest. Her hand was still on my knee. Awareness of it was causing my heart to race.

"Thanks, Alice," I said. "You mean a lot to me too."

She nodded, smiling, caressing my knee absently, gazing at my face. I blushed at the proximity of her prettiness and said:

"Maybe immortality wouldn't be so bad after all, huh? I mean, at least I'd have you, right?"

I covered her hand with my own.

Her hand froze.

So did my heart. Had I been too bold? Did she realize I was hitting on her? My face had been getting progressively hotter as I spoke and she finally did seem to realize that all was not as it seemed. She blinked at me, not moving. My eyes flickered at her lips and I had such an urge to kiss her. I looked back to her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but then she drifted away. Her face went vacant.

She was having a vision.

My heart started pounding. "Alice?"

Alice snapped out of the vision and blinked a few times. She chuckled awkwardly and shook her head. "Sorry," she said. "That was a vision. A very, um…strange one."

She looked down at our hands and withdrew her own. I hoped I hadn't ruined anything between us.

"What happened?" I asked. "In the vision."

She gave another flustered chuckle and struggled for some lie. It was so obvious. Finally she cocked a thumb to point over the backrest of the sofa toward the kitchen.

"Esme's about to burn something," she said. "Maybe we should give her a hand?"

She rose from the couch. Very hastily, I thought. As if she wanted to get away from me. Yet she waited there until I had rose as well and once I did she smiled and wrapped her arms around me with that same strange haste. She held me for a moment, a long moment, and then she sighed and gave me a squeeze.

"We'll continue this talk tomorrow, okay?" she whispered. "I just need some time to think about it."

Her enigmatic words caused my entire body to go light and weightless. "What do you mean?"

But she only released me and winked and turned toward the kitchen.

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