Chapter 11

For the longest time Naomi thinks she's alone. Thinks its best that way, easiest, less messy. It doesn't hurt as much when you lose something you tell yourself you don't need anyways. Then Emily comes along and she wants Naomi…no needs her and its nice, that. Having someone need you. Only Naomi doesn't realize when she starts to depend upon it. Starts to need Emily back and it happens but it feels right in a way. Only Emily is constantly lovely and adoring and it almost continuously makes Naomi feel like a shit person for being a twat, makes her feel like she has to change who she is.

So she bites her tongue and holds back most of the time when they're together because even if bitchy and snappy are her things, they most certainly aren't Emily's and seeing that hurt look on Emily's face has become something she dreads but knows she's always going to be the cause of.

It's like walking on eggshells and sometimes she starts to hate it.

Then something happened she didn't prepare herself for. Emily is the one who fucks up. Fucks up big time and it fucking hurts. It feels like her chest is being ripped out and Naomi didn't know something could feel this horrible. And she hates Effy. Not just for taking away Emily but for taking away that slow shaky trust that Naomi had been building. The feeling that it was okay to need people. That Emily was someone safe to need because she'd never hurt Naomi. That got ripped away.

So…Naomi thinks, I'll be alone again. I did it before I can do it again. Only the thing is…she's not. Katie comes and plops herself down on the steps and its shocking and it should hurt because well—they're fucking twins. But it doesn't and Katie is bitchy and surprisingly funny and Naomi can laugh with her and snipe at her and Katie doesn't give her puppy dog eyes with little tears in them…no she fucking snipes right back.

It happens again. By accident this time. It's less like falling off a cliff but it still takes her breath away.

Naomi starts wanting to spend time with Katie. Enjoys her wit and the way she cares in stupid, retarded ways and then claims not to care at all. She loves that she gets to see this side of Katie. The one that stands by her when Emily's still ripping her heart out everyday they see each other. The Katie that got broken by Effy Stonem and nobody even really noticed. Naomi loves her strength, the fact that she didn't let anyone notice, that she held it in and tried to be okay with everything. Naomi can respect that, knows how it's easy to hold things within.

She doesn't notice it at first. It just happens. She finds herself looking for excuses to touch Katie. To run her fingers down her arm, to touch her hair, to make her laugh and find with surprise that she wants to kiss the corners of her mouth as they curl up. But it's Katie so Naomi tries to put it down to some residual Emily shit…only that doesn't fit.

But when she hovers over Katie that one night, feeling her warm body underneath her, Naomi fights with herself tooth and nail, finally pushes the need down and kisses Katie's scar instead even though in that moment the one thing she wanted more than anything in the world was to kiss Katie, to press her lips against Katie's and feel them move against hers. And that has fuck all to do with Emily.

Naomi has to force herself to move away, to roll over and pretend to fall asleep because this feeling that's creeping up in her chest and making her do these things…it just can't be.

And that whole week she puzzles it over. Wonders why there's a tightening in her chest every time she seems Katie. Wonders why the sandwiches and the coffee and Katie's laugh have come to mean so much to her. Because they're understated versions of happiness, not grandiose rides to the lake or hand holding at a Love Ball but for some reason its better. Maybe because big romantic gestures have never been her thing. Knowing that everyday Katie will be there with a smirk and a cup of black coffee means more to her than the uncertainty and rollercoaster ride that being with Emily was.

Naomi doesn't feel like she has to try so hard to be a better person, a different person. Katie just lets her be, calls her on it when she's being a bitch, and punishes her less for not automatically being lovely and nice.

And when Katie tells her she's beautiful, always has been, Naomi has to swallow the lump that's risen in her throat. Something has to give, she thinks when Katie brushes her fingers lightly against Naomi's neck and it makes her shiver, I can't keep up like this.

So it does. Something gives and changes everything. Naomi watches Freddie's arm around Katie, slowly moving over inch by inch as the night has worn through and she has a hard time not transferring cheater from Emily to Katie. Besides, why shouldn't Katie lean against Freddie, why shouldn't she laugh at his idiotic baked jokes? Naomi wants to slap herself silly and go home. Stupid for entertaining the idea of Katie Fitch. Go home and remind herself why it is a bad thing to need people. Instead she stays, gets stupidly drunk and a little bit nauseous thinking about being alone again. Or worse, having to sit by and watch Freddie and Katie together.

Then it happens. Katie kisses Freddie and its sloppy and a mess and he wasn't expecting it but his tongue slips inside her mouth anyways and Naomi just can't breathe. And the pain is back in her chest and she remembers everything that had been slowly fading these past few weeks, the pain. Then Katie tosses up and Freddie bitches like a little girl about the sick that splashed onto his trainers so Naomi is left to pull up Katie's hair and stroke her back and her skin is so warm through her top and Naomi wants for some reason to put Katie to bed and like nurse her back to health which is retarded because her motherly instincts have never been very present.

There's a bit of a stupid struggle with who gets to take Katie home. Naomi starts to steer her towards the door and Freddie sensing that he's about to lose his fucking prize comes over and grips her other arm.

"Cheers Naomi I'll take her from here."

Naomi struggles not to bite Freddie's head off or sound weirdly possessive but she's drunk so that doesn't help and she stupidly says, "I'm her best friend."

Freddie smiles goofily at her like that doesn't mean a thing and Naomi has to stop herself from correcting him because really it means everything.

She watches them walk down the street, Katie swaying into Freddie's arm and him holding her up and Naomi turns and walks away into the darkness, feeling like she's lost something she never even had and thinking to herself, he doesn't deserve someone like her.

Naomi tries…she really tries to not make a big deal out of it. To not scare Katie away. To not bitch at her for choosing Freddie, as if there was another choice to begin with. Because Katie couldn't know. Can't know how Naomi feels about her and its not like she's made it clear anyways. Naomi tells herself time and again, sitting on those steps that she can be Katie's friend and that its not Katie's fault Naomi wants to be anything more.

But the words come out without her meaning them too and she hates the way her voice cracks and her hands shake. She also hates the way Katie's eyes narrow and she looks at Naomi like something foreign. Because Naomi never meant for her to find out that she feels this way. And when she's cocked it up majorly, yelled at Katie, called her a slag, Naomi grabs her bag and does the one thing she knows she's good at.

She runs.

--

She spends days being late to school and then laying in bed. Naomi tells herself to stop checking her phone every two minutes because it makes her feel like a desperate cunt. There's only been one call anyways which Naomi missed.

It was from Katie who apparently doesn't do all the drama and uncertainty that Emily did. She says,

Look I don't know what the fuck happened. When you're ready to talk, I'll listen and I expect you to do the same. There's a pause and then she says a bit softer, I miss you, you know?

It's that part that Naomi holds onto.

But it's also the reason she can't bring herself to call Katie back.

--

Her mum and Kieran come home from holiday in Cyprus and Naomi hugs Gina long and hard even though she hasn't done so in years.

Gina pushes her back a bit and ducks to look in her eyes, "Everything alright love?"

Naomi shakes her head slowly and mutters, "Don't want to talk about it," and Gina --who's always been horribly invasive except when she knows Naomi needs some space—nods, kisses Naomi's forehead and goes to make them a cup of tea.

Naomi almost hugs her again just because.

--

She doesn't mean to go there. It's like her feet carry her there. So she's standing in front of the Fitch household, looking up at the window and wonders which side of the room Katie sleeps on. And its slightly ridiculous that she's become best friends with Katie, dated the other Fitch daughter for months, got threatened by their mum, and she's actually never even set foot into Katie and Emily's room.

"She's in there, you know," Naomi hears from behind her and the breath leaves her lungs at the voice that's both painful and comforting.

Naomi turns to face Emily who is standing at the end of the sidewalk, looking down at her shoes before bringing her soft eyes up to look at Naomi. And that look, it's so fucking reminiscent that Naomi's chest tightens and she feels like no time has passed at all since Emily broke her heart.

Naomi swallows, "I just need to talk to her. We had a bit of a row."

Emily walks towards her and glances past her at the house, "It's bizarre, you know? That you two are friends. But I guess it makes sense in a weird way."

Naomi nods and tries to pretend that this is normal, talking to Emily as if nothing had ever happened between them.

Then there's fingers tracing lightly down her forearm, "I've missed you," Emily says softly and fuck…fuck Naomi can't hear this.

"Emily," she says and it sounds like a warning but strangled and broken and Emily steps away like nothing happened.

"Well she's inside, probably checking her phone to see if you've called," she says with amusement in her voice, "She's been a bit of a pitiful cunt since you two stopped talking if you must know but my mum isn't home so if you want to make up, now's the time."

Naomi nods curtly and walks up the steps, telling her feet to keep on moving, trying to clear the smell of Emily's bodywash out of her nose, and to forget the way her fingers had traced down her arm.

"See you," Emily calls after her and Naomi grits her teeth to stop from sobbing.

--

"Fuck off," Katie says through the door when Naomi gathers up the courage to knock.

She pushes the door open anyways and Katie is sitting in the middle of her bed, earphones in, wearing a purple T-shirt that looks two sizes too big. When Katie looks up sharply and sees Naomi, she pulls the earphones out and Naomi finds herself smiling despite herself because she's missed Katie so much.

Katie smiles back even though she's shaking her head, "Finally decided to stop being a fucking coward and come talk then?"

Naomi walks slowly into the room, depositing her bag next to the door, "Something like that."

"Good, you being pathetic was getting old anyways."

When Naomi sits gingerly on the bed, Katie moves over to make room for her and Naomi smirks at her, "Me being pathetic, according to Emily you've just been pining away in your room for the past week."

Katie laughs and pushes her shoulder against Naomi's, "Fuck off with that, I have not, okay?" She stills then and looks at Naomi critically, "You've talked to Emily then?"

Naomi wants to reach over and touch Katie's hand at the uncertainty in her voice, like she's afraid of being replaced or some such rubbish but she restrains herself because that kind of shit is what got them into this mess in the first place.

"For a bit," she says blandly as if it didn't affect her, "She was outside when I came over to see you."

Katie makes an ambiguous noise and turns to look Naomi right in the eyes. She asks softly, "So what happened the other day?"

Naomi shakes her head and tries to find the words to explain without using words like you belong with me.

"It's just," she begins and then takes a deep breath, "We've become really close, yeah? And its not like I would've ever expected you to become my best friend but you are okay? And that's really meant a lot since…you know. You…you've really meant a lot to me since all that happened."

Katie swallows hard and says, "You don't have to worry about being pushed aside or anything, you know? I'm not going anywhere. Chicks before dicks and all that, yeah?"

Naomi laughs despite herself, "That's not it, okay? I mean, yeah that's part of the problem but it's not the whole thing."

Katie rests her hand on Naomi's arm and Naomi struggles to forget how warm and reassuring it feels and how she wants nothing more than to turn and meet Katie's eyes but she knows if she does then she might not be able to stop herself from doing the most idiotic thing and kissing her or something.

"I just…I mean, Freddie? Katie he doesn't deserve you."

Katie starts to protest but Naomi interrupts her, "Katie come on! The guy fucked Effy behind your back, he used you, Katie. You…you deserve so much better okay?"

Softly Katie says, "Freddie isn't that bad. He's nice, you know?"

Naomi snorts and turns to gaze at the wall and winces when Katie slowly removes her hand from Naomi's arm.

There's a long silence where Naomi knows if she gets up and walks out they probably won't be friends again and the thought sends a panic through her body because she can't imagine spending her life the way she just spent the entire week, wondering where Katie was, if she was okay, if she was happy, if she missed Naomi.

So she does the hardest thing, pushes away everything she's been feeling and wanting and hoping for and says, "I'm not like throwing a fucking celebration that you guys are back together or anything but if its what you want…well, I didn't mean what I said the other day, I'll be there you know? Whatever you decide but if he hurts you again I will break his fucking face."

Naomi doesn't expect it but Katie throws her arms around her and hugs her. She's so fucking soft and Naomi's arms wrap around her back and pull her close and Naomi tries not to think about how they just sort of fit.

--

Naomi leaves because Katie's mum will be home any minute and Naomi is not, "tangling with your mum again, she's well scary." Katie smiles for the first time in days and wonders why it's Naomi that can put that smile there.

Emily comes home rather late and she looks tired and her eyes are a bit red but Katie knows better than to ask what's happened. Instead she shifts over in bed and Emily sits next to her and just sort of rests her head on Katie's shoulder.

"Alright then," Katie asks

Emily answers softly, "Yeah."

Liar, thinks Katie but she doesn't say it out loud and she vows to herself if Effy fucks with her sister, she really will properly choke her this time.

"So did you and Naomi make up," Emily asks hesitantly.

Katie smiles at her fucking name and she curses herself for being so fucking stupid, "Yeah actually. We were both just being moody cunts really."

Emily laughs, "You and Naomi being moody cunts? That's unheard of."

"Shut it you little ingrate."

Emily stands up, stretches, and walks towards the door, almost as an afterthought she turns and looks at Katie, "I really miss her, you know?"

Katie tries to ignore the way her throat tightens up with words like maybe you should've thought of that before fucking Effy. Instead she nods.

Emily looks thoughtful for a second, "I think I want her back."

Katie's throat tightens even more and she feels a rush of something at the thought of Naomi back with her sister.

"Don't jerk her around, Emily. Don't think you want her back. You have to know it. Don't…just don't hurt her okay?"

Emily nods slowly and Katie is angry that she has to even think about it. That isn't how love works, even Katie knows that. Katie watches Emily walk out the door and thinks; Emily doesn't deserve someone like Naomi.

With surprise Katie realizes that's the exact same thing Naomi had said about Freddie.

A/N: So some people said very firmly(but still nicely) that it would be swell if I updated quicker and since I'm out of school I decided that I do need to update more frequently so here you all go :)