Chapter 11- Open Your Eyes!
" . . . Keiko . . ." I heard a familiar voice. Someone nudged me on my shoulder gently.
I . . . opened . . . my eyes. And to my surprise. . . they were heavy . . . with sleep.
Did we . . .? I asked myself, my thoughts interrupted by Yusuke's coming question. "Keiko . . . are you okay . . .?" I stared at the wall, feeling sweat falling down my face. Yusuke's hand came around and touched my cheek.
"Oh my God . . ." I gasped. "I thought . . . I . . . thought . . . it was . . . real . . ."
"Keiko . . . you were calling out in your sleep . . ." Yusuke quietly whispered. I felt tears coming to my eyes. I touched the hand that laid upon my face. I sighed, my body . . . my mind . . . and my heart filling up with the deepest disappointment that could possibly be felt.
"I'm . . . okay . . ." I answered. I could feel my clothes sticking to me from the sweat that covered nearly every inch of me. Oh my God . . . My body was on fire. I took my hand from his and clutched onto my fully clothed body. What happened!? I turned around and looked at Yusuke, now sitting up in the bed. He stared at me with worry in his beautiful eyes.
"Keiko, you look like . . . you've been crying," he said, as he put his hand on my cheek again and started caressing it. I looked at him and forced myself to smile at his kind gesture. I was glad that he cared . . . but I was so angry! My body was raging, aching even.
"I'm okay. It's just . . . so hot in here . . . don't you think?" I tried to reassure him. We were quiet for a moment. I listened as the rain still fell outside. " . . . It's still raining, huh?" Yusuke nodded and uncovered himself. He walked toward the window and peered out.
"I can't see a thing out there . . ." he replied. I wanted to say something to reply to his words, but the words just wouldn't come out. I turned again and faced the wall, shaking with disbelief and utter frustration. How can this be . . .? It was so real. I couldn't understand it. How did--? Why did--? Each question stopped short in my mind, eating away at my heated insides. I wiped a tear from my cheek. I felt him . . . I told myself. His body was on top of me . . . and . . . I was on top of him. What kind of cruel joke is this!? I felt a rustle in the sheets as Yusuke shifted. I could tell that he had went to go sit at the end of the bed. I looked over my shoulder to see. He had done just what I had thought, despite all the confusion going through my head. He was looking toward the window.
"I guess I'm stuck here . . ." I said trying to pretend that I was okay. He turned around and smiled.
"At least we're not cold anymore . . ."
"Yeah . . ." I agreed. I kept thinking about my damned fantasy. I'm only warm because of that dream, I thought. That dream was even more . . . vivid and . . . better than the last. I shivered at that thought. Images of Yusuke moving on top of me replayed themselves over and over in my mind. His moaning was echoing through my ears. My body burned simply remembering . . . every single . . . movement. That was . . . too real to be a dream, I said to myself getting more and more angry. My body was trying to cool down. I grasped my chest just to feel my heart pounding. Moving my hand upward, I started fiddling with the silver pendant that rested around my neck. . . a sad attempt to distract myself. I sat up and uncovered myself. I sat on one of his pillows, pulling my legs up to my chest.
"Keiko . . . are you sure you're okay . . .?" I heard Yusuke ask me, his worries surfacing in his question. I looked up and realized that Yusuke was still looking at me.
"I'm fine, Yusuke," I smiled at him. He looked unsure about my answer. He stood up and walked toward the door. "Where are you going . . .?" He turned around and looked at me.
"I'm going to go get our clothes out of the dryer . . ." He opened the door and walked out. I watched as the door slightly closed behind him. Damn dreams . . . DAMMIT! I hate this . . .! I got out of the bed and stared at the window. I clutched onto myself as if the world around me were trying to fade away like the vivid dream had just minutes before. Why . . .!? I questioned myself as if I had the answers.
I could just see it. . . Yusuke under me . . . calling out my name. . . in complete ecstasy.
He was groaning . . . digging his fingers into my thighs and smiling . . .
He. . . made love to me . . .
We wanted it so badly. . . to do. . . so much more.
I stood there, searching for anything I could grab onto that could show me that what I had dreamt could have really happened. I looked over at the bed, the sheets a bit messed up, but not enough evidence to suffice my hopes. "I just don't get it. . ." I whisperd to myself, grabbing my arms in a final attempt to comfort myself. It . . . felt so . . . good. . . so damn real. Why couldn't it be real!? How could this be? " . . . Yusuke . . . Why haven't we . . . taken . . . the last step? What's stopping us . . .? Why must I be tormented in this way?" I looked down at my watch; it read 10:03. I stood there, dreading my luck. I walked around his room to release some of my frustrations. Even if it had happened . . . all of that couldn't have happened in five minutes! I went back to his window. Why do I want him so badly . . .!? First the shower . . . now this! My body was still on end as I thought of all he said to me . . . in my dream. I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around to see Yusuke standing there with my dry clothes hanging over his arm.
"Here," he said while handing me my clothes. I snatched them from him and sat back down on his bed. He sat down next to me, placing his arm around my shoulders. "I'm glad you're not cold anymore." he said. "You had me worried." I smiled.
"Thanks for . . . taking care of me . . ." I leaned to him and hugged him, squeezing him tightly. For a moment, it crossed my mind to make a move. . . to make my dream a reality. But I didn't. I decided against it, my father crossing my mind and ruining the urge. I got up and left Yusuke sitting on his bed. I walked over closer to the closet and I dropped my clothes near my feet. I turned around and looked at him. . . as I started pulling down my shorts. I watched his eyes widen with surprise.
"What are you doing?" he asked as my shorts hit the ground. I stepped out of them. "You have to warn me . . . when you do that . . ." He started turning in the other direction.
"You don't have to turn away . . . you've seen most of me . . . by now . . ." I smiled, toying with him a little. I grabbed my panties from my pile of clothes and slipped them on up under my shirt. Yusuke sat there . . . uncomfortably. I laughed at him on the inside. Though it was mean of me, torturing him helped me feel a little better. For a kid who doesn't give a damn about much, he sure is modest, I said to myself, feeling mischievous. I, next, slipped my small t-shirt into the collar of the large shirt I already had on. I pulled my arms out of the large t-shirt and continued to put the small shirt on underneath. I threw off Yusuke's shirt, revealing myself in clothes that fit me more tightly. I slowly walked over to and then quickly mounted onto his lap. I pressed up against him, still wanting him like I had in my dream. So much heat was circulating throughout my body. . . I didn't know what to do with it all. I needed to let go of some of my energy.
" . . . Keiko . . . what are you doing . . .?" I ignored his question and kissed him. I wrapped my arms around him as his strong hands came up and squeezed me. I put my tongue in his mouth and I began sucking his breath from him. His hands tightened their grip around my waist as I did this, revealing his shock.. . and perhaps his excitement. My body burned even more as I continued to press into him. Before I went any further, I realized that kissing him just wasn't helping. In fact, it was making the heat inside me much worse. I pulled away from his lips and put my hands on his shoulders. Everything in my was on fire. . . so much so that I began to wonder if Yusuke could feel it too. I looked down at him as his eyes pierced mine. "What . . . what was . . . that for . . .?" he breathlessly asked me.
"Nothing . . . really," I answered, pressing my waist into his chest. I bent down and I kissed his neck. I moved upward and ran my tongue along his ear. I could feel him underneath me, getting a little more excited. I came back to his face and lightly kissed his lips. I could feel his quickened breaths on my skin. I put one of my hands on his head and ran my fingers through his soft hair. I could feel him getting more and more excited as I sat there on his lap, touching him . . . wanting him. I wanted to pull off his shirt and kiss his beautiful chest . . . just like I had in my dream. I wanted him to do something . . . Anything . . .! But he just sat there, holding me. I wanted to do so much more than kiss him . . . but no matter what I did . . . he would hesitate. I just gave up. I got off of him, more disappointed than ever, and sat down next to him. I sat there, thinking about his sweating body pressing down on me in my dream. Why did it seem so real . . .? Oh my God . . . It felt . . . so good . . . so right, I reminded myself. How could anything so vivid . . . be a dream . . .? I felt everything he did to me . . . Was it . . . was really just my imagination . . .? Could my imagination be so detailed . . .? I bent down and grabbed my knees. I needed to catch my breath. I felt Yusuke's hand rub on my back.
" . . . Keiko . . ." Yusuke whispered. "Did you have a nightmare . . .?" I sat back up and looked at him. Yes! I wanted to say to him, but it would have been a lie. I just shook my head.
"No . . . I'm . . . just so hot . . . right now . . ." I told him, pretending to fan myself off. I smiled. "Don't worry, Yusuke . . . I'm okay . . ." I went further back on the bed, laid down, and stared at the wall again. Who came up with dreams anyway? If my dream had really happened . . . I would be so happy. I hate him! Even though. . . its not his fault, is it? I said to myself. I closed my eyes and listened to the rain outside. I thought back to my dreams. I wrapped my arms around myself, remembering every last moment from both of my dreams . . . my deepest desires. They were always so hot . . . so passionate. I sighed, thinking about our bodies rubbing together . . . moving together . . . absorbing everything we could take from one another.
We've gotten . . . so close . . . to moving to. . . the next level, I mentioned to myself, now staring at the blank wall before me
I thought back to my birthday. He told me that we needed to talk. I got him to shut up somehow. I had him exactly where I wanted him. I had broken him! We were going to do it that day, I reminded myself. The point of no return was near . . . but . . . I . . . just had to . . . get my . . . revenge. If I hadn't have stopped us . . . I could have gotten . . . what I wanted. That happened . . . just yesterday. It feels like it happened centuries ago. I guess it's just been such a long day that the past just seems like a really long time back. I wouldn't have this problem if I hadn't of held myself back then, I scolded myself. Maybe . . . that was my last chance . . . to have him. . .
What about the Christmas incident? I asked myself. Just days ago, Yusuke and I weren't even talking. Our 'close call' on Christmas was how everything started in the first place. I thought about how Yusuke had been kissing me so passionately that night. He kept . . . hesitating. My body started heating up again as I reached back further into my memories. He almost made love to me that night. . . but . . . but he . . . changed his mind . . .
In my dreams . . . Yusuke always told me that he loved me . . . or that he adored me. Right from the start, he'd say these things to me in my dreams, I recalled. And for the first time, he seriously and delicately declared his love for me. . . just today. He told me again . . . just hours ago. What took him so long to truly tell me how he felt . . .? I thought back to Christmas day again. Yusuke told me that he couldn't go through with it.
Why not . . .?
I remembered asking him if he loved and . . . and . . . he couldn't answer me! In fact . . . that's why I left! I wanted him so bad . . . but he didn't give me what I wanted. I started getting angry at my thoughts. What if . . . what if he wasn't sure before about his true feelings . . .back then? Perhaps . . . he needed time to think about it. Was he just leading me on? No . . . If he truly was leading me on . . . then he would have gotten what he wanted on Christmas. But he refused to touch me for a month. I pondered all of my thoughts, trying so hard to sort them out.
"Keiko . . .?" I turned onto my back and looked at him. "You're so quiet . . . Is there something I can do for you . . .?" I shook my head. I turned back over and sighed. I felt him lay down behind me. His arms wrapped around me. His warm torso rubbed up against my back. I placed my arm along his and I rubbed on his hand.
" . . . Yusuke . . ." I whispered. I held onto his embracive arm as I listened to the rain outside. The rain was still falling as hard as it was before from the sound of it. " . . .Yusuke . . .?"
"What is it, Keiko?"
"Something's . . . bothering me . . ." I let go of his arm nervously and pulled the blanket up and back over me. He wrapped his arm around me once I was covered again.
"What is it . . .?" I hesitated at his question.
"Do you . . . love me . . .?" I bit my lower lip, waiting for his answer.
"Yes . . . I do . . ." I felt his grip tighten around me.
" . . . Then why . . . couldn't you tell me . . . that you loved me . . . on Christmas . . .?" Each word struggled out of my mouth. There was a short yet awkward pause.
"If I had . . . we would have . . ." I turned over to face him. I nodded at his incomplete sentence. I understood what he was trying to say.
" . . . Go on . . ."
" . . . I wanted to wait . . . to tell you . . . about how I felt . . ." I looked at him, slightly ignoring the answer he gave me. That's it . . .? 'I wanted to wait?' I felt like slapping him. "We hadn't ever told each other out feelings in that kind of. . . situation. . . before. . ." he said to me. I looked at him. ". . . I just . . . I just couldn't . . . go through with it that night . . ."
"Why didn't you tell me . . . to stop?" I asked him. His eyes pierced as I placed my hand on his cheek.
"I tried to stop you . . . I tried to push you off of me, hold you down . . . I wasn't sure if it was you talking or your hormones . . . " he said, a small, but nervous chuckle in his words. I closed my eyes as I recalled that night. He did keep trying to stop me, attempting to take control of the situation. My body heated again at the thought of that day. But still. . . that whole night, Yusuke kept kissing me so passionately . . . and after a while . . . kisses were no longer enough. I wanted him so badly . . . I opened my eyes again. "When you reached into my pants . . . my confidence was reassured. I wanted you so badly, Keiko. I knew that what we were about to do was what you wanted . . . what we both wanted." I let go of his face and turned back around, remembering the heat of the moment, almost embarrassed somehow.
" . . .Go on . . ."
"I was ready to start . . . no ifs, ands, or buts. Then . . . you said 'I love you,' and I . . . was shocked. I was . . . touched . . ." I felt my eyes begin to water at the thought. "I wanted to say that I loved you too . . ." His arms tightened around me again. "Those words were what you wanted to hear . . ." I nodded, agreeing. "It took . . . every part of me . . . to say no to you . . ." The tears started rolling down my cheeks. "I wanted you . . . so badly . . . But I knew . . . I knew . . . that if I didn't tell you . . . what you wanted to hear . . . at that moment, all bets were off . . ." I gasped because he was right. I wanted to hear those words . . . I even asked him if he loved me, I said to myself. But . . . he never answered. That was the only reason why I wouldn't go through . . . with anything, I told myself, his words in complete agreement with my feelings. " . . . I felt so guilty for taking you so far . . . and then telling you that I couldn't. I couldn't tell you that I loved you that night. It wouldn't be right for me to tell you . . . that I loved you in order . . . to sleep with you . . . even though the love was there." His words continued to touch my heart. Tears started pouring down my face. I felt so stupid . . . yet I was suddenly outraged at what he was telling me. I sat up, breaking out of his strong and tight grasp. Sitting there, I stared at him, shocking myself at how my inner heat had somehow turned into a stinging anger that needed to be released. All I could do was glare at him.
"Why did you stop talking to me . . .!? " I asked him. "You made me leave without an explanation . . .!" I was. . . yelling at him now. "How was I supposed to feel!?"
"I decided that it was best, for both of us, to spend time apart . . . I had to get you away from me. You wanted me just as badly as I wanted you . . . but I couldn't touch you. If I pushed you away, we would both have the time we needed in order cool down . . . to think straight." His answer did not suffice for me. I wanted to slap him. "I didn't want to hurt you . . ." he paused. ". . . but in the end, I hurt you even more. I just thought we needed time to think about . . . what we really wanted . . ."
"We!? I knew what I wanted, Yusuke . . .! I still know what I want . . . I want to be with you . . .! I worried about you . . .!"
"Why . . . did you worry . . . why did you wait for me. . .?" he asked.
"I thought that if you loved me . . . you would come to me . . .!" I told him from the bottom of my heart. "I waited for you to come to me . . . I waited for you for a month . . .! Your actions . . . they just . . . confused me more and more . . . If you loved me so much, you would have come," I told him, my voice trailing off in my anger. ". . . to me . . ."
"Then . . . are you sure, Keiko . . .!? Is that what you truly want!? By the way you're talking, I'm just some burden in your life." I thought about what he was saying. A burden ? I asked him in my mind. How could-- My thoughts were interrupted by noticing that Yusuke was sitting up now too. I looked at him, angry at his very existence.
"When you told me you loved back on Christmas . . . I didn't know what to say. I was happy, yet angry. Everyday . . . you showed me that you loved me, but . . . you never said anything. I knew . . . I knew you did . . . you just never truly said it. . . you know, with sincerity. I just. . ." I caught myself, looking for the right words. "I just wanted to know what took you so long . . . to tell me . . ." He looked down, thinking about what I had just told him. There room got so quiet. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart and and sound of him breathing as he thought.
"I'm sorry . . . I needed more time to think about what I wanted . . . what I could do to help our relationship . . ." he said to me. He looked up at me before going on. "I was coming . . . to visit you on your birthday so that we could talk. . . but . . . then . . . you stopped by . . ."
"My surprise visit . . ." I whispered, shocked that my visit had caused more trouble than I had planned.
"When you left me here that day, I couldn't stay mad . . . I deserved your anger. I pushed you away and expected you to understand why." I closed my eyes, thinking back to all of the questions I had had during the last month. "I'm sorry . . . that I made you wait . . ." Sorry that you made me wait? I asked him in my mind. Sorry?! That's all? Why not just pat me on the back and say something cheesy. . .? The anger in me began to flare once more.
"I don't think 'sorry' is good enough . . ." I told him.
"'I'm sorry' is never good enough . . . for anyone . . ." He placed his hand on mine. " . . . Do you see now . . . Keiko?" I shuddered and looked up at him.
"My desires have never changed . . .!" I pushed his hand off of mine. His eyes pierced me.
"Dammit, open your eyes, Keiko . . .! What do you want . . .!?" he shouted.
"I . . . I . . . don't know . . ."
"I want to be with you . . . I want to protect you . . ." he told me. "I want to be someone you're proud of . . . someone your parents can trust . . ." He sat there with tears in his eyes, staring into my soul. His gaze became unbearable.
"I . . . hate you . . . Yusuke . . .!" I shouted. "If you had just given me what I wanted then . . . what I desired . . . I wouldn't feel this way now. . .!" He flinched at my harsh words.
"I couldn't give you what you wanted because I love you . . .!"
"So you waited for a month to tell me. Was I supposed to read your damn mind . . .!?"
"No . . ."
"I waited for those words . . . I waited for you . . . and . . . you never said them . . . until today . . .!"
"Then . . . why did you wait for me. . .?" I felt crushed by his repeated question. I searched my mind to find the answer. Why did I wait . . .? I could feel my cheeks burning with anger as I tried find my reasoning.
"If you loved me . . ." I started, looking for the right words. " . . . you would have given me what I wanted . . . You would have come to me," I answered, felling like I was repeating myself. "But . . . you keep telling me that . . . you love me now . . . when you couldn't tell me . . . back then . . .!"
"When you love someone, Keiko . . . You have to protect them . . . even if it's . . . from themselves . . ." He was talking quietly now. "You expect everything from me . . . but . . . I can't give you . . . everything . . ." Yes, you can! I shouted in my mind as if his words didn't make sense. But even to me, they made perfect sense. I was just too angry to care.
"I loved you . . .!" I yelled at him, sobbing. "I still love you . . .! I dream about you . . .! I worry about you . . .! I miss you . . .! I think about you . . . all of the time . . ." He looked at me.
"I love you too, Keiko . . ." I watched him as a tear fell slowly down one of his cheeks. "But look at what I have put you through . . . All of the pain you've endured . . ." We both stopped talking and stared at each other. He reached up and wiped a tear from my face. ". . . Keiko, I can't be with you like this . . . not if I'm hurting you . . . like this . . ." He struggled to find the right words. The rage in me couldn't take what he was saying. My mind didn't want to hear what he was telling me. You don't want to hurt me, huh? I asked myself as if I were still talking to him, the blood in me furiously pumping through my veins. I pulled up my hand and slapped him.
"That . . . that was for making me wait . . . for a month . . ." I said to him. I stared at him as his face remained pointing away from me. I watched as a tear fell down his red cheek. My heart, unmoved by the pain I was sure he was feeling, pounded as my rage only grew. I waited for him to recover . . . and then I slapped him again, this time on the other side of his face. "That . . . that was for . . . my pain." Yusuke's face was away from me as another tear fell down the other cheek. I hate you with all of my heart, I said to him in my mind. I wish we had never ever met . . .
"I'm . . . " Yusuke whispered, his face turning to look at me, stained by the only two tears that fell down his cheeks just moments ago. "I'm sorry . . ." he finished, closing his eyes. My eyes widened with his quiet apology. He sat there as if he didn't care what I did to him next . . . as if accepting any punishment I wanted to give him. My heart ached for that moment as I stared at his serene face. You're sorry . . .? My mind faltered to ask. Your apologies . . . they sicken me . . . I let my hate take control as I moved in to slap him once more. I let my hand go to hit his face, Yusuke not even flinching to the incoming impact I was about to inflict upon his face again . . . but . . . for some reason . . . I couldn't do it. I stopped at the last possible moment. I looked at his face now with red marks on both cheeks. He opened his eyes and looked at me now, making complete eye-contact with me. His gaze made my heart pound even harder. I lowered my hand from his face, tears now coming to my own eyes.
"You're . . . not worth the time . . ." I told him. I climbed out of his bed and went back over to the closet. I grabbed my pants off the floor and I slipped them on. I opened the door and stomped out of his room. I want to go home, I thought. I can't stand to be near him right now. I cried as I sat on the couch. I laid down, burying my face into the seat. My dreams flashed before my eyes. They slowly fell apart and faded into nothingness as I thought about them. The questions floated in my mind, tormenting my already confused mind. . .
Did he really love me. . . back then . . .on that night?
Does he truly love me now . . . after how long we've been apart?
Does he still. . . want me. . . even now?
My mind tried to sort out all of my questions. I calmed myself and tried to breathe. Bringing my hands to my face, I wiped away the trails of tears that ran down. I sat up on his couch and held myself. I looked at my watch; it read 10:47. For no reason, I suddenly found myself trying to hear the rain outside . . . but . . . I couldn't hear anything. I walked to a nearby window and looked out. It had stopped raining. The streets were covered in water, puddles of it. I need to get the hell out of here, I told myself. This is my chance. I walked down the hallway and entered Yusuke's room. As I walked in, I ignored Yusuke and picked up my jacket. He was standing at the window now.
"What are you doing . . .?" he asked after turning around to look at me.
"I'm going home . . ." I told him. I threw my jacket on and walked out of the room again. I could feel and hear Yusuke following me just moments later. I went to the door and I began to open it. A familiar hand grabbed my wrist before the door was completely opened. I looked back to see Yusuke, his eyes absorbing me in his stare. " . . . Don't try to stop me . . ." I told him as his hand let go. I opened the door and stepped out. I ran down the stairs and off the second floor. I could feel Yusuke close behind me, each of his steps an echo of mine. I kept my eyes ahead at what puddles were in my path while I said to him, "Will you go away . . .?!! I don't need you to get home!"
"I'm not leaving you until you're home . . . safe," he replied as he ran. I looked behind me to see how far behind he was. He was right behind me despite the fact that I knew he could go faster. I started praying that he would trip over something and fall down. Fall, dammit! If you fall behind, I can get away from you. I wanted him to get hurt. . . to fall and break something and cry like a little girl. . . but I knew that Yusuke was better than that. Why must he follow me . . .? If he's smart enough . . . he should turn around. I gradually sped up and refused to look back. I started sprinting . . . with Yusuke still close behind me. Puddles of water splashed all around us.
"Get lost . . .!" I screamed. I continued to run, increasing speed the best I could. He caught up and ran next to me. I couldn't stand to see his face.
"Keiko . . . Slow down . . .!" I stopped at the corner nearest to the diner, my feet skidding through the water as I stopped. I bent over and breathed, placing my hands on my knees. " . . . Keiko . . . Are you okay . . .?" he asked me, his panting short-lived since he was a stronger runner than I'll ever be. He laid his hand on my shoulder. How dare he touch me . . .!? I brushed off his hand and turned around. I looked at him. At that very moment, I loathed him with every ounce of myself. I brought up my hand and slapped him as hard as I could.
"Get your damn hands off of me . . ." He looked at me, his eyes full of hurt. "I don't want . . . anything to do with you . . .! I hate you!" I slapped him again, perhaps harder than before. Panting still from all the running, I walked around the corner and walked toward the diner. I continued to walk, not turning back to look at his face. I despised the very sight of it . . . I despised him with all of myself. Why did I ever love him? I continued walking toward the diner, feeling his eyes burning into my back. I clutched the pendant on my chest. Why . . .!? Have I loved a fool all of this time . . .!? I don't need him! I turned around and glared at him one more time. " . . . I never . . . want to see you . . . ever again . . .!" I turned around and walked into the diner.
I dried my eyes and walked up the stairs. If Mama and Daddy are still awake, I thought, I can't let them see me like this. I stopped at the door and tried to compose myself. I unlocked the door and walked in, quietly. I closed the door behind me, the room in complete darkness. I walked down the hallway, making my way to my bedroom. I walked in and closed the door behind me immediately. I walked over to my bed and sat down in a daze, feeling nothing but all my anger and sadness. The room was so dark that I could only see my alarm clock, which read 11:02. My feeling returned to my numb body and suddenly I could feel that my pants were wet all the way up to my knees. I was even shivering a little bit. I stood up and started undressing myself. Though it was dark, I managed to find my pajamas on the bed and I put them on. I laid down in my bed and pulled my blanket up an over me. I closed my eyes, thinking about everything that had happened.
So much had happened. . . nearly countless were the events of the day. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I clutched the pendant on my chest again. . . it seemed that was all I had left that I could hold on to.
Silently, I wept . . alone in a dark place where nothing seemed familiar. . . even though it was my room.
Am I tormenting myself? I thought, choking on my tears. All my emotions were welling up in my throat. No matter what I do . . . I can't seem to escape him. ". . . Oh Yusuke . . . you . . . you stupid fool." I whispered, still sobbing like a little child. " . . . Damn you . . ." My face burned from the endless tears that wouldn't stop. . . that couldn't stop. . .
Why do I think about you so much . . .? Why can't I just get away from you. . . and move on. . .? I asked him in my mind as if he'd somehow answer though he wasn't there. I couldn't stand to think of him. The very thought would only make me cry more. . . and bring more pain.
How dare you do this to me. . .? After all this time, you've done so much . . . to hurt me. I blinked slowly, taking in the surrounding darkness. Then another thought came to me.
But you've apologized now. . . and you seemed so, so sorry . . . but it still isn't enough. . . Yusuke. With the mere thought of my beloved's name, more tears came to my eyes.
But why . . .? I asked myself, my eyes still full of tears and getting heavier as I thought on. Why do I still . . . feel for you . . .so deeply. . .?