WE'RE BACK! lol. Hey, this is Santi911.
I know you guys watched the movie (twice for me), what did you think!? Jasper look constipated to you? lol. I thought so.
Happy suuuuper early Christmas. Hopefully we'll have written something new before then though :D fingers crossed, I need some inspiration.
anyway, I'll stop so you can read :D next chap is gonna be AWESOME! lol. Review :D
I took a shower instead; needing some time to seriously clear my head. No matter how many times I thought through everything, nothing was adding up. This morning Jasper and I almost...and then at dinner he…he just freaked out. I realized it bothered me more that I didn't know what could make him react like that, rather than the fact that he could have seriously hurt me…that he almost did. But in that moment, I also realized, everything that I could have been thinking in that particular moment, it just disappeared the second that I saw the expression on his face. How pained it looked when he realized it was me was just…heartbreaking. I didn't want him to feel bad. I didn't ever want to see him sad like that again.
Running a hand through my hair, and taking a deep breath, I turned off the water and rested my head on the shower door.
I would talk to him. Soon.
Outside Jasper's door in a pair of pajama shorts and an old logoed t-shirt, I just stood there. So…maybe I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing here at the moment. All I knew was that I wanted to make sure that Jasper was okay…that he didn't beat himself up too much over the…well, whatever happened, I wasn't even sure myself. Hesitantly licking my lips, I got ready to make a fool of myself, and opened the door.
Only, Jasper wasn't there.
The first and only thing my eyes landed on was the lone guitar occupying the middle of Jasper's room floor. Papers were scattered about and upon closer inspection, I saw that they were lyrics…or, they looked like lyrics.
"What if there was no light.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.
What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song…
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life."
After skimming a couple more papers here and there, I realized how nosy I was being and headed back to my room. Without really realizing I was doing it, the first thing I turned to was the clock by my nightstand. 8:30. Already? I thought, as I went to sit on my bed.
Time droned on. Minutes passed by and the silence grew old fast. By 9:45 I had long since grabbed a book, but it was long after that I realized that I had been reading the same paragraph over and over; my mind still playing Jasper's written words in my head.
If you asked me, I couldn't tell you much of what I was feeling right then, or at all anymore. And as dramatic as that sounds, it was only true. There was too much chaos. Too many feelings running their way through me to actually feel what the dominant emotion was. What confused me most though was, that before Jasper came along, I didn't remember what I felt. If I was feeling anything at all. Before it was always just making it through another day, not completely feeling; just living. But since Jasper's arrival, there were too many mixed feelings. Things I've never experienced before. And I couldn't let herself wander into what that meant.
10:55 came around, and I found myself slipping. My eyes grew heavy and my book fell to the floor. I didn't want to sleep. Not while Jasper was gone. It scared me- not being alone- but the fact that he was. Jasper didn't even know Forks that well (not that there was much to know), and he could be lost…or worse. And even though, this whole time I had tried to keep my mind off it; to not let myself think that way, I couldn't help but let a few of the different scenarios run through my mind. What if while he was walking across the street a car came and he didn't hear it? What if he had gotten lost in the forest and couldn't find his way out? What if… "What if I got it wrong? And no poem or song… Could put right what I got wrong?" What if all that did happen, and it was some sort of punishment to himself…all for something that was an accident? I mean…he didn't seem like he was very angry when he went stomping up the stairs…he seemed more embarrassed.
It didn't cross my mind right then that what I was thinking was ridiculous. Or that it may have, well, sounded somewhat conceited to think that Jasper would put himself in danger just because of me…but again, we weren't going with facts. This was all theory.
And all the while, as I tortured myself with thoughts of ludicrous, even impossible things, I didn't hear the door open and close downstairs. Or the light drag of shoes coming up through the halls, I hardly even heard the door squeak open. No, I felt him there before I noticed any of that. Some kind of strange connection; just a sense of the other. It was almost tangible in the air. This strange bond between us that got pulled together without either of us knowing it was happening. But none of that mattered at the moment to me. All that mattered was the poor, broken looking, beautiful boy standing there in my doorway. Water droplets falling off his disheveled, blonde hair, and clothes soaked all the way through.
Although I clearly saw the hesitation in Jasper's features, or the way his hands were clenching in and out of fists at his sides, he still managed to pull on a halfhearted smile for me and quirk and eyebrow.
"You're still up…" He obviously didn't mean it as a question, but by the look in his dark blue eyes, it was like I didn't need to see him sign, or even hear him say it to tell exactly what he was thinking. You couldn't have possibly stayed for me...?
The intensity of his stare made me falter, stop thinking about my words. "I…yeah, reading." Only to remember my fallen book when Jasper looked down at it; though he never questioned.
What lasted a moment seemed to feel like forever. As the precious sound of time rolling by swept passed us, unspoken words were left hanging in the air. Like poison it seemed to find both of us, until the only way to get our thoughts in the open was through our quiet gazes. Our eyes held each others and that's when I finally realized how I felt. And then the feeling after. The one I know will have to be the one reflected on the outside. Because I can't.
My eyes left his first. Unable to look back at him with my own new found information. But really, I knew all along. My eyes traveled back down his body when I noticed the slight shiver pass through him, and that's when my mind finally kicked back into gear.
"God Jasper, I'm sorry. You must be freezing, come on."
It didn't quite matter at the moment that he knew where everything was, or that he wasn't a child. For some reason I just had the urge to make him feel safe. Comfort him in some way.
Getting off the bed and lightly grabbing a hold on Jasper's wrist, I ignored the flash of electricity that always seemed to occur when I touched him and led him to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel out of the closet and wrapped it around him. That, I could have let him do himself. My fingers lingered on his shoulders longer than intended and gravity somehow pulled us closer together, almost chest to chest.
I swallowed, licking my lips out of habit and tried to restart my vocal cords. It wasn't that I didn't love these moments with Jasper, it was that I didn't want to forget that earlier didn't happen. Didn't want to stray away from the fact that Jasper left, and that I wanted to know where and more importantly why…why everything. I was just ready for Jasper to finally tell me everything. Though, it wasn't really my move to make.
So when I said it, it came out more sounding as a question than anything. But it's not like he could tell.
"We—you should get dried up…we'll talk in the morning…?"
Again Jasper did something I wouldn't expect, didn't see coming. He held his hand up to my face. His cold fingers lightly tracing along my jaw to finally stop right under my chin. My breath hitched as Jasper turned my face up just a little more, staring into my dark, coffee brown eyes seemingly searching for something. Only he would know what; I was a bit busy trying to keep from having a cardiac arrest.
When Jasper let go, somewhat reluctantly, I felt my cheeks flush red and I headed for the door behind him to go back to my room before I could faint.
And as I went to close the door behind me, I could swear to anyone that I felt the sweet, musical soundingwords on his lips before I actually heard them.
"I'm truly sorry, Bella."
And the door closed.
Inspired by Coldplay - What If
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life.
That you don't want me there by your side.
It's good, you should check it out. Coldplay=love.
Review please :) It'd be the best gift ever!