Chapter Eleven

[Jade]

"Jade?"

"Jade!?"

"Jade are you listening to me?!"

The soft, dark voice that belongs to Beck brings me back to his RV. I don't know what I was thinking. Was he talking to me? What…? I'm sitting leaned against Beck on his bed "What?"

"How are you? You've been acting quite strange lately." His arm around my shoulders gently tugs me closer to him as he talks close to my ear.

I have? Have I? Yes I have! But he has nothing to do with the fact that I have been thinking about Tori. She is bugging my mind and it's so weird but she can't seem to leave my brain alone. I sit up straight. His arm falls off me as I turn around to face him. "What? I've been acting like I usual."

"No, not really" I watch him as he itches his scalp and grinds his teeth.

"Okay, what then?" I sputter out the question at him. My way of talking to him burns holes on my inside. Why am I feeling offended by the question when I know I have been acting strange?

He looks at me with a gentle and calm gaze. He tries to calm me down, I know that. Usually it works. Usually it works fine. But now… something feels different. With a sincere tone in his voice he says "It's like you haven't been around. You haven't answered my calls. You've barely spoken to me and we don't hang out as often as we used to. This is the first time you have had a conversation with me since last week!" He is upset. I can hear it. He is hurt. I can feel it. He sighs as he continues "And even now, it doesn't seem as though you want to be here…" I feel my legs disappearing under me (they are falling asleep). I just sit there on my legs and just look at him.

Oh what does he know?! The scary thing is that I know that I have been pretty absent. But I don't want him to know. It feels wrong being here but it also feels wrong to be where I want to be. I want to be with… Tori. No! Stop thinking! Jade, what the fuck are you doing?!

"I have?"

"Yes you have" He straightens up and sits down right in front of me on an arm's length distance. "What's going on?"

I don't know. I don't know… Never since last week has Tori left my mind. I cherish every moment I have spent with her, every laugh we have shared. She makes me feel happy and she makes me feel safe, like I have someone to lean on. For some reason it feels as though I can tell her everything. It used to be like that between me and Beck. But something is not the same. I see him in front of me, I can hear him breathing and I feel his hand curling a lock of my hair. It's like I'm alive but not there, like I see everything through fog. When he touches my hair I instantly think about Tori, her hands playing with my hair. Why is she infecting every single one of my thoughts? Push them away, just push them away Jade.

"Nothing is going on!"

I remember the first time I met Beck. He had been the only one I could rely on, the only one that wanted to hang out with a corrupt soul like me. I held him close to me because I needed someone to hold on to, someone I knew wouldn't leave me. He told me he loved me. I needed him so I told him I loved him too. And I did, or so I thought, or did I? I don't know what love is… How does falling in love feel? Is it like, when you find a good friend? What is the difference? But now, when I think about it, I never knew if I loved him or fell in love with him. He has always been a rock for me to lean on. I have probably always taken him for granted… What is love? Everything is so messed up, my soul is breaking because for the first time ever I think that I'm questioning if whether I'm I love with beck or not. I love him, I really do... I think? (As I've already told you, I'm far from sure about what love is…).

"Do you love me?" He is tensing up at my words. His eyes shift between my eyes, searching for my motive to my question. I scared him. He is scared.

With a nervous and insecure laugh he replies "Of course I do I-"

Affectionate, he leans closer to me. But I can't meet him half way and sink into his chest. I'm shying back as he is moving towards me. 'Of course 'Love is not, 'of course'! It is hard for someone like me. If he tells me the he loves me I still haven't gotten an answer to what love is. "-how do you know?!" Desperate, torn apart, confused and frightened. All the feelings bubble up at once, and I hate it. I feel vulnerable. I want to burst out in tears and cry and scream for help. And the only one I want to see me cry is Tori. I want her to be close to me. Wait, what? No I don't want her here… yes, I do.

Beck is confused. Not as confused as I am though (no one can be as much of a mess as I am right now). He sighs "Because I can't stop thinking about you and I want you to be near me all the time. I care for you." He crawls up to me and I sit there, letting him embrace me, allowing myself to disappear in his arms.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

"I love you." He mumbles into my hair. I feel how his breath warms up my scalp and I close my eyes and just think. It's quiet… so quiet, time has stopped.

I love him. I love him… I'm not sure if this is my true feelings seeping through and all my true emotions making themselves heard, or if it is my way of talking myself into it. Wait? Am I questioning whether I love Beck or not? No, that's not it. I'm just tired. I just have my 'feeling lonely and hated' period, they come and go. During those I need confirmation, so this is normal... But something feels different.

Everything is so far away. Everything feels strange. His hands on my back don't feel the same, nor does his attempt to calm me down by soothingly sway both of us. I can't think straight, the air in the RV doesn't seem like enough, I'm suffocating. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. I need to get out. I can't stand the strained mood lying between us. I don't like when it feels like this, when it feels as though Beck is so far away from me. I don't feel anything. Usually I feel calm, loved and relaxed when I'm with Beck. But now everything feels forced. I hate it. Why am I feeling this way? I want to feel love!

Tears burn behind my eyelids. I hate the feeling of tears scalding me from the inside. I need to get away from here, from Beck. "I've got to go." I press myself away from Beck with my hands against his chest. I get off the bed and storm out of the RV.

Air… Cool night air and cool night breezes traveling across the street, grabbing my hair and filling my nostrils. I breathe in, a deep and long breathe. When I breathe out again it feels as though most of the fog inside my brain lifts, leaving my head clear.

I get into my car and turn the key and drive out from his driveway. The tears that have been waiting to seep through, despite my protests, roll down my cheeks. I glance up into the rear view mirror and meet my own red, burning eyes. I quickly look away. I don't want to see myself crying. Something is desperately wrong with me. No, I'm probably just tired. I must be so fucking tired because I can't even hold myself together (which is very unusual). Why does nothing feel the same anymore? Why can't I feel myself? I'm a walking zombie and I don't know what is wrong. A doctor, please, anybody?

It's dark inside our house, like the night that creeps up on me and like the complete darkness that fills me. I'm not scared of the dark. But the darkness inside me confuses me, I can't see inside of myself anymore. I don't know where to go. Unusual? No. But somehow, yes.

I don't even bother to take my boots off as I steer my steps towards my bedroom. I walk through our living room in hope to see her. I slow down and walk in slow-motion past our big grey sofa. Thanks to the moonlight shining through the big windows I can see her. I knew she was here, my mum. I stop and just look at her. She is lying sprawled out on the sofa, still wearing her blazer and pen skirt. Her eyes are closed and dark (her make-up is still on).

"Had a rough day?" I whisper out to the silence that responds me.

She always has a tough day. And according to her I never have one, ever. Catherine's deep breaths make her chest peacefully rise up and fall down. I actually like watching her sleeping. She always dozes off in the sofa when she comes home from work. Whenever I speak to her we argue. The only time I can induce myself to not see her as the terrible excuse for a mother she really is, is when she's asleep.

I sigh and walk up to the coffee table by the sofa and take the, almost empty, wineglass. Out of habit I walk straight to the kitchen, I'm not even bothering to turn on the lights. I empty the wineglass in the sink and rinse the glass before I place it upside-down on the drainer. I place both my hands on the kitchen counter. I shift my weight to my hands and sigh.

I don't get her. Why is it that she finds calm when she is drinking? Why is she choosing her job and the alcohol before me? I need her (well not really). But I sometimes want to need her. I would like to get appreciated at times. But it is what it is… after all, I have Tori. (And Beck, but I think I need some time to think before I can see Beck again. You know, gather myself together). Tori is my friend now and isn't that what friends are for, keeping your mind off hard stuff and to talk to?

I sigh and walk to my bedroom. I cast one last glance at my mum sleeping in the sofa.

I hate her. Oh how I hate her…

And I love Beck. Do I love Beck?

And I need Tori. Do I need Tori?

No, I don't want to need her. But I think I do. I want to hang out with her. The way I feel when I'm with her… I have never felt like that with anyone before. I want to get all of this confusion out of my head. I need to put my mind on something else.

I pick up my phone. In complete zombie mode I try to occupy myself. I look down in my hand. I see my phone and a number on the screen, Tori's number. Shall I call her? I want to talk to her. I need someone to talk to. And Tori is the only one right now that I can talk to without it feeling forced. I want to laugh and act as though it's only us again. Like that time in the rain…

I press the dial button. Without picking up my phone to my ear I watch my phone as it is calling.

"Jade?" A sleepy voice crackles out. I can hear her voice even from half a meter. It's in the middle of the night. She was sleeping. Great Jade, now you can feel guilty for a while.

I hold my phone to my ear. "Sorry, did I wake you up?"

She laughs slightly "Sort of, it's okay. Want to talk?" She is a saint. I knew it. I am one hundred percent sure that if someone would have called me when I slept I would scream some kind of threat and then hang up.

A/N: Now, Jade's mind is a mess…

I dedicated this chapter to Jade's inner conflicts and thoughts. I hope that you don't mind.

Please tell me what you make out of Jades thoughts.