CHAPTER ELEVEN: LON LON RANCH

White: Pretty nice ranch. What do you say we look around in these houses before we go over there?

Navi: Okay, let's go in this door to the left.

Yellow: Hmph.

The four go through the door.

White: That's odd, I don't see anyone… just a bunch of Cuccos.

Yellow: Say, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Navi: No, what?

Yellow: D-

Talon: Hey! Ain't you the #$%ing little kids who woke me up that day?

White: That would be us, yes.

Talon: Ha ha ha! What a #$%ing coincidence! How you guys doing?

White: Good, thanks.

Talon: Great. You guys want to play a game for a big prize?

Yellow: Cool! What game?

Talon: Okay, you see these stupid little #$%ing Cuccos? Well, out of all the stupid Cucco there's a special one. A really #$%ing special one. You find that one within one minute and I'll give you a prize!

White: Sounds good.

Talon: Okay, go!

*Yellow walks over to a golden, sparkling Cucco with red horns and fangs.*

Yellow: Is this the one?

Talon: #$%! How the #$% did you know?

Yellow: …It just seemed a little unique, compared to the others.

Talon: Okay… prize… I didn't really have a #$%ing prize, I didn't think you'd actually #$%ing get it…

Black: You're going to have to give us something.

Talon: …Hey! How'd you guys like to marry my daughter, Malon?

White: YES!

Black: YES!

Yellow: NO!

Malon: EXCUSE ME?

Talon: Aw, #$%!

Malon: Dad, what the #$% are you doing?

Talon: Nothing… Go back to those horses of yours…

Malon: You'd actually give up your own #$%ing daughter just because you lost a #$%ing game?

Talon: Look, I-

Malon: I bet this is what happened to mom! You #$%ing sold her off!

Talon: Hey! Maybe I wouldn't have had to, if this ranch could actually make some #$%ing money!

Malon: Maybe you should get off your #$%ing ass and work, then!

Talon: Maybe you should stop being such a #$%ing little lazy #$% and do something productive to help out!

Malon: Maybe if you didn't #$%ing sit around all day #$%ing mutating your #$%ing Cuccos!

Talon: Maybe if you stopped #$%ing around with those #$%ing horses!

White: Maybe we should leave.

Yellow: Maybe so.

The four leave the house and head towards the corral, where the horses are.

White: Say, that horse looks a lot longer than the others… it looks like it could fit all three of us! *goes up to the horse* Hey there, horsie! What's your name?

Epona: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! *gallops away*

White: …Not very social, are you?

Malon: Yeah, that little #$% of a horse's name is Epona.

Navi: Oh, you're back!

Malon: Yeah, sorry about that argument. So Epona can be a #$% to handle, sometimes-

Epona: NEIGH!

Malon: *to Epona* SHADDUP! *to Links* She only responds when you sing or play this song. *sings SexyBack by Justin Timberlake*

Epona: Oh! Oh! Oh! That's my favorite song! *gallops towards them*I'm bringing sexy back, uh! And all these #$%ers don't know…

Malon: Yeah, shut the #$% up already. So-

Epona: NEIGH!

Malon: *to Epona*SHADDUP! *to Links* Epona looks like she could fit all three of you, so maybe when you're old enough to ride a horse, you could-

Epona: NEIGH!

Malon: *to Epona* IF YOU DON'T SHADDUP, I'M GOING TO TAKE ONE OF THOSE #$%ING HOT BRANDING IRONS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR #$%ING YOU-KNOW-WHERE!

Cow: That's no empty threat. Those things hurt like a #$%.

Malon: …Where the #$% did you come from? You're supposed to be in that barn.

Cow: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

Epona: I'm bringing sexy back, uh! And…

Malon: *to Epona*SHADDUP! *to Links* So just remember that song, SexyBack, okay?

Yellow: Sounds good.

Epona: I'm bringing sexy back, NEIGH!

Malon: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE #$%ING DEAD MEAT, EPONA!

Epona: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! *gallops away*

Yellow: So, uh, this has been wonderful, but I think it's time to leave.

Navi: Sounds good.

The four begin to leave the ranch.

Yellow: Okay, guys, what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Navi: I don't know, what?

White: Wait, what's in this building to the left?

Ingo: I HATE MY LIFE!

White: …Forget about it.

Navi: So I think we should go to Kakariko Village now, to continue with our quest.

Epona: *in the distance*NEIGH!

White: Sure thing.

The four head over to Kakariko Village.