Ch. 11 "Billy's Words"
"Do you know what today is?"
"Today's Friday," I replied matter-of-factly, sitting up straighter against my headboard as my oversized, soon to be step brother plopped down at edge of my bed, near my feet.
I cradled in my arms the latest novel I had been lately sticking my nose into; Roy's The God of Small Things, about forbidden love nonetheless, but the kind that is real and humanly forbidden, in a time of untouchables and touchables.
The kind that puts falling in love with the undead to shame.
"Friday the what…?" Collin gestured with his hand, urging for me to continue.
"Friday the…," I paused, flicking my eyes to the calendar pinned above my desk, having to squint to read the font, "…thirteenth," I finished, puzzled as to way we were talking about this.
"And…," he continued to coax, arching both of his eyebrows up.
I let out a frustrated sigh, "I don't know!" I huffed, setting the book aside and crossing my arms over my chest, "What exactly are you trying to get at?"
"There's a full moon tonight," he grinned, looking like he just discovered that there are, indeed, cookies in a cookie jar. But most of all…he looked so young, so like Jake used to look, and maybe that's why I tolerated him, especially now…when he barged straight into my room like we were siblings.
Finding my own place was becoming more and more desirable.
"Did you come all the way up to my room and disrupt me from reading just to tell me that?" I grumbled, pulling my knees up to me chest as I glared at Collin, trying to look somewhat intimidating.
He snorted a chuckle while shaking his head, "It's Friday the thirteenth, and there's gonna be a full moon. That shit only happens once every four years. It's like some weird-fucking-strange holiday for us Quileute…we celebrate it."
"Watch your language."
"I'm seventeen!"
I hissed a sigh, pushing myself off the heard board of my bed, returning back to the subject, "Your point?"
"My point…is that there's gonna be a celebration down on First Beach tonight, most of the town will be there. The council will be telling stories, y'know…full moon, werewolves…bonfires, dancing, a farmers market type thing…. Everyone gets a kick outta the whole 'full moon and werewolves' myth. Billy likes to play it to his advantage, make up stories and folklore."
He chuckled at my expression.
"And you're telling me this because?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
I shook my head, rubbing a hand over my face in a mixture of annoyance and frustration.
Collin's two blue eyes shot over to my bookshelf before casting a playful grin at me, "Let me speak in a language you might better understand; I have come to warn thee," he fluttered a hand over his chest and lifted his other into the air, imitating the way Romeo would be pictured as kneeling beneath Juliet's window.
"Warn me of what?"
"That my-evil-sister-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken will be there," Collin smiled indignantly to himself, clearly pleased at his subtle blow at Vanessa. I didn't need a reason – like Embry had given me – as to why Collin disliked his sister.
I wasn't sure, being an only child and all, but didn't siblings typically have that rivalry and distaste for each other? Not only that, but his sister just happened to the epitome of 'bitch'.
"What makes you think I'm even gonna go?" I asked, arching an eyebrow, challenging him.
"Well…Charlie's goin', so I figured he'd pity you into tagging along, and…," his grin grew, sucking up his entire face, "…Jake will also be there, so I figure that's reason enough."
I hurled my book at his face, catching him off guard, "You're really starting to get on my nerves," I pouted, trying to look peeved at his statement. His honest and disgustingly true statement.
"Sorry sis. Pack mind and all, comes with its advantages…such as tormenting you. It's what siblings do." The same grin still danced mockingly back at me.
"Great," I grumbled under my breath, having forgotten for the most part about that sort of the thing; the 'nothing stays secret for long' clause when it comes to Jake and the pack. I could only pray that what I had told Jacob about the past two years and what he read in my letters were locked away in the confinements of his mind.
Even though I felt wary, I still trusted him. It was, and would always be, a natural inclination.
"So, anywho, get ready 'cause Charlie already left and you're my ride. I told him I'd be able to convince you. And…if you so much as think twice about going, I'll just have to keep telling you more embarrassing stuff I've learned about you recently and the only way you'll get me to shut up is to agree to go," he beamed, saluting before exiting my room.
I fell onto my back, slinging an arm over my eyes. It couldn't hurt to go, right? And after the way things went with Jacob, he wouldn't mind, right?
My mind easily escaped back to three nights ago, after we arrived back at Jake's loft from our painting mishap….
We arrived back in Port Angeles just as the sun was casting final glimmers of its fluorescence. Things continued throughout the drive to be…easy, for lack of a better word. So tempting of the way they used to be between us that for almost a minute, it was simple to forget the truth in our realities.
For awhile there, it was just Jake and Bells. For awhile.
Every person we walked by on our way through the lobby to his loft did a double take of us, either pointing or laughing at the appeals of our state of being, hidden under rust red paint.
Jacob didn't even seem to notice the attention. But then again, when did people not turn their heads when he walked by? I was having a problem with all the stares; it seemed as if I couldn't duck my head low enough to escape the looks.
If only I could be more like Jacob. His confidence equated to my shy, self consciousness.
"You can use the upstairs bathroom to get cleaned up," Jacob offered as we walked into his empty loft, making our way to the kitchen.
The mood had changed. Over the course of our long drive up here, something had changed. It wasn't difficult to sense Jacob's hesitancy. I could tell he was lost in his thoughts, digesting all of the information I had given him.
And now, now it was transparent among his demeanor.
It was unsettling.
As much as I'd like to take him up on the offer, I rebutted weakly, "It's getting late…I should probably head back. I didn't tell Charlie I was coming up here…I don't want him to…um…get scared," I mumbled, wincing at my poor choice of words.
His expression tightened. His lips pursed into a thin line. But he nodded stiffly as we stared at each other from across the foot of space separating us. No matter the length, something always seemed to be separating us.
I didn't move, besides the occasional shift of my weight on my tired and paint-coated legs. I was hanging onto a string of hope that I could walk away, knowing I'd see him again…that he'd want to see me again.
It was making it difficult to leave with my uncertainty.
"Sorry—" I fumbled to apologize for this morning, for how I reacted to the letters, but his hand held up in defense stopping anymore words from falling past my lips.
Another long pause itched between us. My lips pursed tightly at his muteness. I swallowed down my pride, forcing my feet to turn away from him to leave…yet I was halted by his hand reaching out to clasp around my arm, effectively stopping my retreat.
There was a certain pain in his eyes.
"C'mere, honey," he whispered softly, sensing my distress as he was pulling me into his embrace. His hold on me was tight, but not quite suffocating. He was holding me as if knowing – or somehow sensing – how much I hurt, how easily I could, quite literally, shatter into a million different pieces.
How easily I felt like I could.
And just like he had done two years ago, he still managed to always know the diagnosis of how to hold me together. Although the times were different for the both of us, it always felt completely right and like being in his embrace was enough to squash the demons of my fears.
I furrowed my head deeper into his chest, the slow thumps of his heart shadowing mine. I let out a shaky shudder, one that let all the stress flow from my body as tears stung my eyes from a slight relief of being here.
I folded into him easily.
It felt like a forgotten moment, a forgotten embrace. One we'd both been itching for over the past two weeks.
As amazing as today was, I was still stressed. About an abundance of things. And with Jacob holding me, he somehow shattered those fragile glass walls shielding my emotions that were now springing out.
Stress. Worry. Nerves. Fear. All of them associated with losing him, with the pain of two years, with the knowledge of coming back home into a different world.
I felt his hands roam along my back and through my hair as my breathing continued to echo shakily, nervously. My arms clung around his thick abdomen with all the strength I could muster, which was little to none.
The way we were both clinging uselessly to one another felt like…goodbye. A goodbye that was swelling my throat stinging my eyes. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a hello. A new beginning. A reset button.
The seconds ticked on, neither of us having the strength to move. I was content not to.
His lips were at my ear mid thought, tickling the bare skin along my neck with his humid breath as he whispered, "I'll see you soon."
I wasn't sure what this meant, but I knew it was a good thing. A positive hint. I nodded my head just as soon the words left his lips, sucking back sobs, trying to bury myself deeper into him, to somehow join my red painted handprints imprinted on his torso and arms.
In a forced attempt, I pulled back to catch his gaze, holding my breath as I did so. The questioning in my eyes didn't go unnoticed as Jacob searched the anguish dancing behind them. He understood my next words without me actually speaking them. Without me having to beg, "is this your decision then?" and, "please don't give up on me," and "please let this be a good sign."
I gulped in fresh mouthfuls of air, teetering on the edge of his next words.
He sighed heavily, shutting his eyelids in unison as he leaned downwards so our foreheads were resting together. The heat dripped through my skull, clouding my already unfocused brain.
"I can't not have you in my life, Bella," he spoke delicately, showing signs of vulnerability, "It's not gonna be easy, and…and there's still so much we need to talk about, but loosing you again – especially now – would kill me…." His voice reached a too sensitive timbre and cracked. I felt him struggle to contain it. A slight grumble in his chest resonated.
"But you're right; you should get home. Charlie's probably worried…but… I'll see you soon?" Jake finished, sounding oddly nervous that I would…reject his offer.
The one I constantly was begging him for.
"See you soon," I repeated his words, a slight smile etching onto my once frowning lips.
Jake's brilliant smile appeared moments later, letting out a certain shine. He gently cupped either side of my face with both his hands, under my jaw. The pads of his thumbs brushed away the few tears leaking from the corner of my eyes.
Not hurt, or pained tears. But happy, relieved tears. I closed my eyes contently, inhaling his certain pine three and evergreen musk as I heard him do the same with me.
"I was there, y'know…," he murmured contently.
"Hmm?" I hummed, lost in a state of daze due to his nearness and the flourishing happiness.
"I was there," he repeated earnestly, rubbing his thumbs across my cheekbones in an urge for me to open my eyes.
"What—" I stammered, pulling back to find his glassy eyes on mine, a predatory fire and need framing them. He leaned closer. Just as the word passed my mouth, I was instantly silenced by his lips just barely grazing my own trembling ones before I could finish my question.
"I was there, Bella. I met you…. Every single goddamn night," he continued to place gentle and slow kisses to be lips in between each pause, "In my dreams…I was always there with you…I always was," he breathed heavily, letting his tongue flick along my lower lip.
I remained frozen. Not sure if it was his words, or his actions that had me paused in time.
Through the mantra of my pulsating heart beat and the throbbing in my head, I couldn't think. But the confession of his words – in response to my letter and begging for him to meet me in my dreams – had fresh, heartwarming tears already brewed and ready for spilling in my eyes.
Jacob's lips never let up. They moved in tender, sensual patterns from my slightly parted lips to my jaw, and then slowly retreating to my bare neck with a longing need. And all I could do was stand there, eyes shut, gulping in air to my oxygen deprived body.
Just as I was regaining my mentality, the phone in the loft started wailing with a high pitched ring.
Neither of us paid any attention to it. It was just a distant sound, in another world, because we were so lost in each other.
My fingers and nails dug into the skin of Jake's arms, trying to find my balance as I craned my neck to allow more access to his touch. A slight whimper escaped me as his teeth grazed under my jaw.
The voice leaving a message on the answering machine was the one thing that stopped us both, his lips now only a centimeter from mine. Both of our uneven breaths mingled as we stared into each other's eyes, filled with shock and a pang of sickening dread.
"Hey baby, it's me. I know we've been fighting lately you're thinking of ending it…and I'm sorry for everything, Jake. Let me make it up to you tonight, I'll stop by later. Let's just forget about this shit and move on. You're better than her. Remember that. I love you. Call me back."
The voice spoke of a wistful innuendo.
It was a female's voice.
A female's raspy, unique voice.
I knew that voice.
Vanessa.
I shivered from a foul chill that plagued my spine. And just like that the walls crashed down around us, sending everything that was just rebuilt throughout the day to pieces.
I watched, inch by inch, as Jacob's body tensed; spreading from his broad shoulders, down to his twitching fingers now gripping my hips. He caught my two wide eyes, my expression blanching and going a whiter shade of pale.
I wanted to scream.
"Bella—" he spoke quickly, his voice deep and rigid. I even sensed a bit of…fear? Was it the same fear I was feeling; of starting back at square one, when all we wanted was our normalcy? Something we inched closer to today, now suddenly feeling a hundred thousand miles away, taking my heart with it?
I was quick to cut him off, not wanting to hear it. Any of it. I didn't deserve to be given an explanation.
"No. Please, stop," I swallowed down the lump of hurt in my throat, "Look…today was…good…right?" I asked weakly, hating that it all just deteriorated in the snap of a finger, a blink of an eye.
Because with a high there always comes the crash.
He only nodded his head cautiously, agreeing.
"Then let's just…leave it at that, okay?" I begged in a broken mantra, looking away from him and to the wooden floorboards before I took a wobbly step backwards and out of the fog of heat sucking me into him.
Today had been good. Today had been perfect. I refused to let it be ruined by one thing. By someone who involuntarily always showed up at all the wrong times. But who was I kidding? Things were already decimated.
I turned to leave quickly, ignoring the angry – more like livid – look on Jake's face. Again, I wasn't sure where that was coming from. Was it from Vanessa calling? Or him realizing that Vanessa was right, and that he is better than me? More deserving. That I really shouldn't be given a second chance.
But his whisper of a voice gave me all I needed to know.
"See you soon."
"Bellaaaa! Your mom's on the phone!" Collin's obnoxious voice yelling at me from downstairs drew me from memory, from Jake's warm embrace. My eyes flashed open to come face to face with my opaque ceiling, the cracks of it practically mocking me and welcoming me back into the world's cold arms.
I took the stairs with blithe steps, wishing I could have retreated back to the memory of Tuesday for the rest of the day. If it had been anyone else calling for me, I would have stayed in my room…left to my thoughts and diagnosing each of them.
"Hey, mom. What's up?" I asked into the phone, my eyes narrowing in on Collin who busied himself by eating, which shouldn't have surprised me.
"Hi, baby. How are you? I have some great news! I've been talking to Phil and Charlie for a few days, trying to figure things out…and well, I'm coming to visit on Monday! I just scheduled my flight! Oh sweetie, I've missed you so much…I couldn't wait any longer!"
I was stunned speechless. With happiness and a childish glee, nonetheless, that choked up raw tears.
"Bella? Honey? Is that okay?" Renee asked, sounding more cautious.
"No, mom…it's great! I-I can't wait to see you…I've missed you so much…I can't wait." My eyes continued to well with tears at this and became apparent in my thin voice. A slight smile graced my features.
There was a squeal on the other line before Renee found her voice, "I'll see you in three days then! Oh, I can't wait honey! Phil's yelling at me to focus on dinner, he doesn't want me burning the house down. Can you believe it? I'm actually cooking! He wants me to tell you he misses you too. Love you, Bella! See you soon sweetie!"
"Love you too, mom," I whispered, smiling to myself despite the tears. But, for once, they were happy tears…the ones choked up by the authentic emotion that never hurled itself at me, the kind that I welcomed.
I took off up the stairs before Collin could make a remark, to which I could imagine him rolling his eyes and making some comment about overzealous emotional girls. I was thrilled at my mom's revelation.
Sure, I had almost gone a whole year when I first moved here without seeing Renee. But there was something different about being able to see someone, and not being able to see someone. It made the want and need even more expansive, like the width of the oceans.
That was the last thing I needed. To see my mom. It would make it all better, make it all worthwhile. Monday couldn't come fast enough.
It was an hour later after I was showered, dressed, and cleaned up that I returned back to the living room to find Collin flipping through MTV. He made a few rash and sarcastic comments about how girls 'spend too much time on their appearance'.
Little did he know I wasn't one of those girls.
We were only a minute into the drive towards La Push that I noticed Collin seemed distant. A bit hesitant. And it was only two minutes into the drive before he compelled himself to speak whatever was weighing him down.
"He doesn't, y'know…." Collin trailed off, glancing out the window.
"Who doesn't what?" I asked feebly, my mind elsewhere to really be interested in what Collin had to say. I was too strung up and wrapped around a certain faint memory of warm lips.
"Jake. When I told you before about the pack mind and hearing things about you, it's not from Jake. He doesn't think about…stuff like that, he…I don't know…locks it away somehow. It's the other guys I found out things from, about you," he murmured, having sensed my apprehension earlier in my room.
I stiffened, gripping the steering wheel tighter in my grasp, "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I asked weakly.
In a way, I already trusted Jacob with our private revelations. I never consciously doubted him. Yet Collin seemed to think he was mistaken for leading me to think so, and at least he had the remorse and kindness to tell me.
But the fact that the pack had unsettling things to say about me caused my stomach to drop. And it made me feel more unwelcomed, even though I was trying hard not to convince myself of that. All in all, it was making me feel more paranoid…like I really wasn't welcomed.
Collin shrugged, grinning at me, "Please, Bella…don't sound so surprised that you're all everyone's talking about. There ain't shit happening out on the rez. You're the latest news and the most exciting thing to happen since Brady got pussy whipped."
Without thinking, I took a swing at his upper arm from across the car. It was both an awkward and failed attempted. I winced at the pain shooting up my throbbing fingers, hissing through my teeth.
"Ow! What the hell! Are you made from steel or something?" I bit my bottom lip to somehow take the pain away from my sure to be bruised right hand.
"Nah, maybe you're just made from jello, ya softy. I didn't even feel that! You gotta work on that swing. How have you survived all these years on your own?" he roared out a chuckle, tossing his head back.
I sensed his sarcasm, but I replied matter-of-factly, "Pepper spray and mace."
"Seriously? You've never thrown a punch?"
"Do I look like I know how to throw punch?"
He snorted his amusement, "Not at all! We gotta work on that, sis. You can't go walkin' around all defenseless."
I shrugged to his offer, turning my attention back to the road, the throbbing of my fingers reminding me that in truth, I was defenseless. Except for the can of pepper spray Charlie had conveniently given to me all those years ago.
"Make a right turn," Collin instructed minutes later, pointing to the road ahead.
My nose crinkled, "I thought we were going to the beach?"
"Later. First we're having dinner at Sue's."
"You didn't tell me that!" I shot him an evil glare.
"Yep. I guess I forgot," he drawled sarcastically, grinning mischievously in my direction.
"Ugh. Who's all gonna be there?" I asked meekly, a bit perturbed I had even agreed to this in the first place. My lower lip was experiencing most of this resentment.
"Our parents, Nessa, Sue, Billy, Seth, Leah, and…Jake probably. Only if he doesn't flake," he half smiled, beginning to toy with window, rolling it up and down.
"I can't believe you tricked me into this," I frowned, making a reluctant right turn towards the Clearwater's house, feeling the familiar twang of anxiety twist up inside of me, coiling like a snake in my chest.
"It's just a nice, family dinner."
"Yeah, a dinner with people who hate me," I mumbled, still wincing from the slight pain in my hand that was now turning an odd shade of red and blue.
"No one hates you, sis. I mean, Ness and Leah may not like you, but they're all talk. It's more jealousy than anything else…."
I didn't have it in me to ask him exactly what he meant by that statement. I could see from the corner of my eye that Collin was gauging my reaction. Through the pain of my hand and my dazzled thoughts, I fought for a change in subject and went with the first thing that came to mind other than the odd circumstance me and his sister were taking part in.
"Whatever happened to your dad? Did your parents split?" I asked, figuring the question would come sooner or later. Charlie hadn't mentioned much about Ali's past, relationship wise.
He began fidgeting with the window again, "He passed away about five years ago from cancer."
"Oh," I bit the inside of my cheek, "I'm sorry Collin…."
"Eh, it's fine. I never thought I'd be cool with seeing my mom date again, let alone getting married. But Charlie's tight, even though he's the chief of police," he grumbled under his breath, offering me a slight smirk to ease the downtrodden.
"Yeah, he mentioned you used to be a bit of a troublemaker…."
He snickered, "Once upon a time," he frowned, "The rez isn't all sunshine and roses. Most of the kids are either dropouts or addicted to some sort of drug. But Jake and Sam set me straight," he half smiled.
"Well…good," I whispered, not sure how to respond. I could remember Jake telling me about the rez's not so good rep…and how he used to fear that Sam and the pack were behind it, which turned out to be the complete opposite. Thankfully.
"Soooo…what's it like to date a bloodsucker?" Collin grinned, holding his hands up in defense as I went to hit him again, only to realize I would probably break my hand this time if I attempted.
"You're unbelievable."
"What? It's a valid question! I mean…," he crinkled his nose and shuddered for affect, "it's just…weird."
"That's like asking what it's like to date a werewolf," I retorted, squaring my jaw.
"What is it like to date a werewolf? It's probably like a million fucking times better than a leech. We're so much hotter! And I don't just mean temperature wise."
"I've never dated a werewolf, so I wouldn't know," I smirked.
"Well…what's it like to kiss a werewolf?" Collin belted out a serious of chuckles as soon as my face fell and my skin blanched. I almost lost control of the jeep at that point too. I was sure I was now hidden under a glowing blush.
"Sorry, sis. Jake can't exactly keep everything secret. We all slip up."
I scowled, having no response except to speed the car up, eager to face a room full of people who may or may not like my mere existence rather than take anymore of Collin's brutal questions or comments. Although I could tell he wasn't purposely doing it in spite of me. For the most part, he was teasing. Yet he didn't seem to have a full grasp – like the rest of the pack did – on mine and Jake's relationship.
If you could call it that.
I gave him the cold shoulder instead, hoping guilt would eat at him and he'd hinder himself from constantly butchering me with these questions and sarcastic sneers.
"Besides, some of the things he's thought 'bout Ness are way worse. I mean, c'mon! She's my sister dude! Gag me! I'm fucking scarred for life!"
Apparently not.
I winched. He didn't seem to notice as he remained lost in oblivion.
Ten minutes later we were parked out front of the Clearwater's residence. My apprehension and dire want to not go in there were tangible enough to taste.
"C'mon Bellaaaa," Collin whined, hoping out the jeep and rounding it to pop open my door, "Sue's making her famous fettuccini Alfredo…you can't seriously want to pass that up! I'll protect you from Ness if she goes psycho-crazy-girlfriend on you," he winked before tugging me from the protection of my seat.
My stomach growled greedily at the mention of food, and it didn't go unnoticed to Collin her made a comment about how 'I would die' eating Sue's Alfredo because 'it's fucking awesome'.
"Fine, whatever…let's just get this over with. I still can't believe you tricked me into this," I huffed, crinkling my nose and following after him inside the house.
Seth, Billy, and Charlie were all seated in front of the plasma television, watching what I could presume was baseball. They all looked up at our entrance.
"Bells! I'm glad you made it honey. You're just in time for dinner!" Charlie smirked, standing to embrace me in a slight hug.
"Yeah, I wouldn't miss it," I half smiled, trying to show some sincerity to my father who was still constantly pushing me to make an effort and bond with our new family.
"You gonna stay for the celebration down on First Beach too? Billy here says it's gonna be a night to remember," he grinned, clapping said person on his shoulder.
"That it is, Charlie. The whole town'll be there. You wanna miss it…there'll even be fireworks."
I tugged my lips into a smile, slightly turning my head to see Vanessa and Leah both branding holes straight into the back of my head. With as much persistence as I could, I tried to ignore them and search further around the room…taking note that Jacob was nowhere to be seen.
My heart fell.
"Bella? Why don't you join me out back, dear?" Billy asked rather politely before things got awkward, hinting in a very subtle way that he'd like to talk to me in private. No one in the room paid attention to our quiet exchange besides Charlie.
Of course the first thing that entered my mind was negative. Was he displeased that I was being let back into his son's world after I shattered it? Was he warning me like he had done all those years ago at prom when he sent Jake to me with a direct message?
Never in his life had Billy been in the least bit rude or bitter. And never in my life had I been frightened of him.
Until now.
My heart stopped and then stooped low in my stomach as I forced my head to nod and follow him out the back and onto the patio. I leaning against the railing, gripping the wood in my left hand as securely as possible since my right one was still aching.
I gave Billy a frantic once over. He looked…relaxed, yet insightful, like he was about to pour out all the secrets of the world in a metaphor to me, leaving me puzzled with wise words of wisdom. His hands were clasped in his lap, his eyes distant as they stared into the retreating sun.
I gulped loudly.
"You've always been a very smart girl, Bella," Billy started, both of his eyebrows furrowing into deep thought.
I imagined his next words being something of the sort; "you were always so smart, what happened to you? How could you run away like that and leave your family behind? Stupid, stupid, stupid girl…"
Or maybe he was about to scold me about the mess Jake and I created in the back yard of his old house. That could qualify as a 'not-so-smart decision'.
I still had red paint flecks in my hair to prove it. Not to mention it took a good hour of scrubbing in the shower to return to my normal shade of pale.
Or he could be telling me to leave his son alone.
But that was just my silly, pessimistic subconscious voice of reason always flashing to the negative.
"I've never once doubted your intentions or your reasoning. You've got a good head on your shoulders and a goal in mind, I've always admired that about you," he smiled warmly. So warmly that in Billy I saw Jacob. They had many of the same similarities and attributes.
Like their warmth, their knowledge, their passion. Their free spirit.
"And I've always thought of you as another daughter, you know that," I nodded unsurely, not quite catching onto to his point. I waited patiently for him to continue, letting my nerves quell once seeing a bright light shining in his eyes, though never willing myself to catch his gaze in fear of what I'd find.
He didn't seem angry or cross, not in the slightest. He looked so…wise, like any second now he would grace me with a piece of advice that I'd be pondering over for the next week.
I counted seventy one seconds of silence before Billy found the words he seemed to be searching for.
"You know Bella, there are many similarities that I don't think you're seeing between this situation and the one you went through two years ago. Something which may help you understand all of our feelings more, including Jacob's…."
"I know it's tense in there for you, kid. Thought I'd steal you away and give you my two cents, for whatever it's worth," he winked good-naturedly.
I forced up a weak, fake smile and began fidgeting nervously.
Forty seven seconds later, Billy was speaking again.
"Charlie used to call me all the time, back two years ago when Edward had left you. He was scared, unsure of what to do for you…more importantly he was worried for you, if you were ever going to get better. You probably hadn't made the distinction, but it was easy for me to. I've known your father a long time, Bella. Back before he was married to Renee in college, even. He was worried you'd end up like him, after your mother…left. He didn't handle it so well…and still, even years later, he's been dealing with it.
He wasn't sure how to help you since he still hadn't been able to help himself. That's what worried him most. It was especially hard for us to see you that way…You were broken, depressed…we've all gone through that and experienced it before. And then you started hanging around Jacob more. Both Charlie and I appreciated that, and saw how much you changed. Your father thanks Jake everyday for whatever it was he did to help you. A connection like that only comes across once in a blue moon.
You remember, don't you? How hard those few months for you had been?"
I stared intently down at the ground, nodding my head, knowing exactly where he was going with this. Tears were already preparing to fall from my eyes, and my heart felt like it would splinter and erode if he spoke those words.
My eyes clenched shut in a sluggish attempt to go numb.
"Well, to put this in a greater perspective for you, that's exactly what Jake went through. He was an exact mirror image of how you were, how you felt. The only other time I saw him so depressed and lifeless was when his mother passed away, when he was only a kid."
I hung my head lower in shame, not even bothering to try and stop my crying. I wasn't crying for myself though. I was crying for Jacob.
"Now, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself, Bella. Like I said, you've always had a good head on your shoulders; you do what you have to for those around you. I've never seen someone so selfless. But I want you to know this. To know that through these past years, it hasn't been easy for any of us…strictly because of Jacob's actions. Like we had been for you, we wanted nothing more than to help him. Many people in that room care deeply for him, and because of all their strength and love we managed to bring Jake back to us. It took a hell of awhile, but when someone is able to bring you back from something like that, feelings grow.
And I'm not just talking about Vanessa. The whole pack was there throughout the ride, they all helped. Him being Alpha made their connection as strong as it's ever been, which has helped him a lot. I think having Sue in the picture as a mother figure for him has helped too. Yes, Vanessa and Leah were both parts in this as well – we all were. Just like how we were for you. You should realize that.
Everyone is very…fragile with Jacob. He still has his moments…but I've never seen him happier in the past two years than in these past two weeks, ever since you've been back. Everyone in there sees that…they all know how much he loves you, and how much more…himself he is, the old Jacob. You may think they all hate you…but with the way Jake's been, we're all very grateful and thankful to see him like this…because of you. Just think about that," he spoke in a raw voice, one with deep emotion and perceptive age.
He turned in his chair, about to wheel back inside before he looked over his shoulder, catching my two shocked eyes.
"And Bella? Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, especially when they've given them to you, but don't put up with people who are reckless with yours, sweetie. I don't want to see either of your hurt again."
And with that he took off inside, leaving my stomach and jaw on the ground of the patio. Yet more importantly, he left me with an array of thoughts to cluster my mind, giving me more than enough to process.
I sank into one of the chairs, burying my face in my hands. The fact that yes, I had inflicted the worst kind of pain on someone else – someone so important to me – was sickening. The kind that I had experienced firsthand and had just barely lived through, never wanting ever in my life to make someone else feel that low and used.
Somewhere deep inside my mind I knew what I had done to Jacob, but I never allowed myself to think about it because of how completely guilty and dirty it made me feel. I never allowed myself to make comparisons the way Billy just had, even though I knew they were there.
As much as I didn't want to be the one taking on Edward's role, it was the simple yet pitiful truth. I could use the excuses that we were different; that Edward chose to leave me, to lie to me, to put me in misery, and I could use that to somehow higher myself into thinking that what I did was better.
That wasn't the case. There were more striking similarities, that only now did I see.
Edward left to protect me from his family, from his lifestyle. My life was at risk being around them – though I liked to differ otherwise. He was doing it for my sole intent, for my safety…even though it killed him.
I did the exact same, with no minor differences, to Jacob. I never wanted to stay away, but his safety – because of the potential risk of his life – I did. I steered clear, so that neither Jake nor anyone from La Push or my family would be killed in spite of me.
It was the exact same.
There was only one difference; I came back. But in all actuality, it didn't account for anything. Trust is an important thing to carry, but it's tough to find.
I hadn't meant for any of this to happen. It was all some joke of fate.
There were three things I needed in that moment. One was aspirin (my mind was running too fast with weak legs), the second was to talk with Jacob. To talk about everything, to lay our feelings and emotions out on the table for grand view to dissect, and the third was to apologize. To get down on my knees and promise to never hurt him, to promise to take away his pain. To help heal him.
Like he had done for me.
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Soon you'll be learning about Bella's time spent with the Cullens and more about events in the past two years for both J&B!
-Mae