I own no one but my own people.
October 20th, Hilton Hotel, Albany NY, 5:37 PM
Alex took several deep breaths after she released her much needed scream. She cleared her throat and licked her now dry lips.
"Lily," she managed to call out through her quickly forming tears. "Come on, honey, we gotta go."
When she heard no response from her daughter Alex wiped her tears and stormed into their bedroom where Lily was sitting on the bed, her own tears gliding down her pale face.
"Lily, come on, we've gotta go to the hospital, grandma's sick."
"What happened to Mama?" Lily asked a bit harshly; seemingly unfazed by the news her grandmother was in the hospital. "What did you do?"
Alex withheld a glare and an immature comment about Lily blaming her for everything and she shook her head. "Nothing. Come on, let's go."
"She wouldn't just leave me like that or call you names!" Lily cried. "What did you do to her?"
"Lily, I'm not gonna say it again let's go."
"Tell me!"
"Lillian, knock off the attitude now! Get your coat on, go down stairs, get in the car, and do NOT make me say it again! I am your mother; you are not allowed to talk to me like that!"
Lily stared defiantly up at her for less than a second before she silently stormed from the room. Alex waited in silence for several seconds before she heard the angry footsteps of a thirteen year old girl descending down the stairs.
Alex closed her eyes and rubbed her temples in annoyance for a moment before she got out her phone and dialed Olivia's number.
"Pick up, Liv," Alex softly begged as she went over to the closet and pulled out her own coat. "Please!"
"You've reached the voice mail of 'Detective Olivia Benson'," a depressing female voice told her followed by her wife's own voice stating her name.
Alex groaned as she slipped on her coat, knowing she'd have to go through what the Department of Detective's decided every SVU detective needed on their voice mail, "If this is an emergency please hang up and dial '911'. If SVU services are needed immediately, please press 1. If you are in need of victims services, please press 2. If you would like the fax number to the sixteenth precinct in Manhattan, please press 3. If this is a business related phone call, please press 4. If this is a personal phone call, please leave your message after the tone. Beep!"
"Liv, it's me," said Alex as she walked out of the room. "Look, I'm sorry for what happened but you need to call me. I'm on my way to Sacred Heart hospital something bad happened to my mom, I'm not sure what. Please call me… I can't do this on my own. I love you, I'm sorry, I love you, call me."
With a heavy sigh Alex hung up her phone and walked down the stairs where Lily was waiting by the door looking down trodden.
"What? What's wrong?" asked Alex as she approached the young girl.
Lily shrugged and Alex groaned as she looked at her watch. She didn't have time for this!
"Is it something you're gonna get over in the time it takes us to get to the hospital?"
Lily sniffed and averted Alex's eyes as she muttered something that hurt Alex more than anything anyone had ever said to her before. "I wanna live with Mama. When you two divorce, I wanna live with her."
"First off the answer is no. There's no way I'd give up custody of you. And no one is getting a divorce." Alex bit her quivering lip as tears filled both hers and her daughter's eyes. "Alright me and Olivia love one another, we're just in a bit of a fight right now. It'll pass and things will go back to normal."
"Mom, you two are always in a fight. Ever since Simon died that's all you two have done."
Alex glared harshly at Lily for her words. "That's not true and how DARE you talk about that!"
"Yes it is! When Simon died it's like you stopped loving the both of us! You didn't want anything to do with either of us because it reminded you too much of him so you pushed us away!"
The tears began to fall from both of their eyes as Lily finished her cruel accusations. Alex opened her mouth to try to argue back; to tell Lily everything she said was wrong, that nothing she said was even remotely on the right track, that the death of her son had nothing do to with the fact Alex had been slowly pushing away the two people who meant more to her than life away for the last several years…
She tried… but couldn't.
Alex wiped the tears from her eyes and cleared her throat as she grabbed her purse from the stand besides the door. "That's not true and come on," she told her unable to come up with any other argument that would hold up against Lily's harsh words. "We gotta go. We'll call her again when we get to the hospital but this is serious, Lily. I don't know what's wrong with your grandma so we have to hurry."
Lily nodded but otherwise said nothing more as she and Alex headed out of the hotel suite and towards the elevator, a heavy silence surrounding the two who both knew the other one was lying about Olivia and Alex's situation…
Once they reached the lobby Alex looked around eagerly for Olivia and swallowed hard when she saw no trace of her brunette wife. She had actually left.
Lily noticed the tears in Alex's eyes and she looked down at the floor, immense guilt eating away at the young girl for the words she had spoken to her mother in the room.
Alex wiped her eye as she and Lily bustled out of the lobby and Alex groaned when she saw a reporter waiting outside the door talking hastily on the cell phone.
"Maybe there's a celebrity staying here?" Lily offered.
Alex just sighed before she grabbed Lily's hand tightly, held her head high, and walked out of the hotel.
The moment the doors opened for them the reported jumped to his feet. A moment a video camera was shoved in her face and she walked around it ignoring the man who followed behind her.
"Mrs. Cabot, Jeff Zesters, New York Enquirer, I just saw your wife leave the building about five minutes ago and she looked really mad, is everything alright?"
Not even attempting to force a grin that was usually custom built for reporters she ignored his question.
"Does this fight have anything to do with the fact that your ex boyfriend released all of your demons in the closet a few days ago?" he tried again but was met with silence once more.
"I heard," he continued hoping for some sort of response that would let him get paid, "that you fired your campaign manager just weeks before the election. Do you think that was a smart move on your part?"
The man glared at her retreating back and at the silence that escaped her. The two had just reached their car out front when he shouted out something that got both of their attention. "My sources told me your daughter was in the psych wing of the hospital for a few days, you wanna explain what that was about?"
Lily gasped and tears sprang to her eyes. Oh god no! Now everyone would know what a freak she was!
Alex finally whipped around towards him, her eyes wide with shock. "Where the hell did you hear that?"
The man chuckled and shrugged. "Confidential sources, Mrs. Cabot. I also heard she has some pretty nice scars on her wrists?" He took a step towards Lily who took a step away from him. "Oh come on, Lil's, just one quick peek for the camera."
He reached out too fast for Alex to stop him. He managed to grab a hold of Lily's wrist for a single moment and tried to pull her towards him before Alex hit him across the face as hard as she could with a loud crunch. Alex grabbed a hold of her frightened daughter and pushed Lily behind her.
"Touch her again, I fucking DARE YOU!" Alex snarled as the man held his already bruised jaw.
"That's all on camera, you know!" he shouted before groaning in pain.
"And so were you grabbing a thirteen year old girl!" Alex shot back.
The man opened his mouth to argue before he closed it again and simply glared at the pair of them. "I'm gonna have you arrested for assault!"
"Good and I'll have you arrested for attempted kidnapping!"
"Are you fucking serious?" he scoffed. "I barely touched her!"
"You grabbed her wrist, restrained her, and tried to pull her towards you! For all I, and the judge, and the jury, and the American people know; you were trying to kidnap her!"
The man glared at her before he shrugged. "Do what you want, you still assaulted me and I'm gonna make sure EVERYONE knows about it!"
"Good," Alex growled. "Go right the hell ahead! And by the way if you EVER think about touching my daughter again I'll kill you! Lily, let's go!"
Alex reached behind her and wrenched opened the door for Lily who quickly got in before Alex slammed the door shut and stormed over to her side.
"So is that a 'yes' on the cuts then?" the man shouted met only by only Alex's silence as she too got in the car and slammed her own door shut. Without wasting a moment Alex thrust the keys in the ignition and turned it on before slamming down on the gas and speeding away from the man.
"That bastard!" Alex snarled as she hit the steering wheel. "Did he hurt you?" she asked as she turned to look at Lily who had tears in her eyes. She sniffed and shook her head, some of her hair falling into her face.
Alex frowned and swallowed hard at the tears that gathered in Lily's eyes. "I'm sorry," Alex told her. "Lily, I'm so sorry. I don't know how that news got out."
"Its fine," Lily muttered softly as tears rolled down her face.
"No it's not and I'm gonna find out who told. Your medical records aren't supposed to be released unless YOU want them too, and it's against the law to tell anyone you don't say it's okay to tell."
Lily remained silent as she rubbed her wrists where the thick white gauze was covered up by a long sleeve shirt and her jacket. "Everyone's gonna know aren't they?"
"No… alright, I promise they won't," Alex said but at the same time she couldn't look into her eyes because she knew that it was a lie. If one reporter knew about it, that meant in a few hours the whole state was going to know and there was nothing she could do.
Lily shook her head. Her voice was caked in tears. "Yes they will…"
"Lily," Alex began softly but Lily turned her head from her and looked out the window at the passing city.
Alex sighed as she turned back towards the road and continued to drive down the crowded streets of Albany.
After several uncomfortable moments of silence Alex reached in her pocket and pulled out her cell phone and handed it to Lily. "Call Olivia," she told her as she put the phone down on her seat. "Tell her what's going on."
Lily remained silent as she reached beside her and grabbed Alex's phone and dialed Olivia's number.
After several moments of silence Lily hung up. "She didn't answer, it went to voice mail," Lily muttered softly. "Do you want me to try again?"
Her blue eyes closed as she nodded wordlessly, feeling tears well up. "Yeah… Keep trying until she answers, alright?"
Lily nodded in understanding as she once again tried to call Olivia's number only to be met with the same results.
As Alex drove down the interstate towards the hospital she kept on looking over at Lily, praying that she'd be able to get a hold of the person she needed more than anything right now.
However after about the twentieth time Alex told her to stop and promised her that they would try again later.
Minutes after they gave up trying to call Olivia they arrived at the hospital where Alex parked in the closest spot she could and turned off the car and Alex looked towards the imposing brick building.
Her heart caught in her throat as she stared up at the various windows, the fact that her mother was in the hospital hitting her hard for the first time since Max had called her.
Tears made their way down her face and Alex took a shuddering breath and swallowed the painful lump in her throat. She didn't want Olivia her with her, she NEEDED her here. She couldn't go through this without her.
"Olivia, please," she whispered just faint enough to hear herself. "Olivia, I can't do this by myself…"
Lily turned towards her and her own tears began to fall when she saw Alex's. "Mom?" she asked softly making Alex turn away from the building and look towards her. "Are you okay?"
Alex wiped her eyes in vain as she forced herself to nod. "I'm fine… Come on, honey, let's go."
With a deep breath to tide her over Alex opened her door as did Lily and the two walked towards the hospital hand in hand, Alex's shaking Lily's but neither made mention of it.
Alex and Lily walked towards the receptionist who looked up at them and smiled. "May I help you?"
"Can you tell me what room Lillian or Lila Cabot is in?" asked Alex softly.
The receptionist nodded before she hastily typed in what Alex assumed was her mother's name and a click of the mouse button before she turned back to Alex. "Room 283, go up to the second floor, and take a right and it'll be the third door on your left," she assured her with a smile.
"Thank you," Lily said as Alex began to walk away before following her.
Alex and Lily walked over to the elevator and Alex swallowed hard as she pressed 'up' several times to no avail.
She finally breathed a sigh of relief when they opened and the two of them stepped on the elevator and hit the correct gray lighted button.
As they waited for the elevator to arrive at their floor Alex felt more tears fill her eyes. She wouldn't know what to do if something had happened… She wouldn't be able to handle it. Not without Olivia.
With a tiny ding signifying that they were at the correct stop the doors slid silently open and Alex and Lily walked off to the waiting room where they saw Max sitting in one of the chairs with tears streaming down his face.
Alex swallowed hard and turned to Lily.
"Baby, go…. Baby, go get something to eat from the cafeteria, okay?"
"Why? What's wrong with Grandma?" asked Lily. Her voice matched Alex's. Both were choked with heavy tears.
"I don't know and that's why I don't want you here if something did. Okay, please do this without arguing…"
Lily swallowed hard before nodded and went over to the receptionist to ask for directions. Alex took a deep breath and walked over to Max with difficulty. Her legs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds apiece.
She finally made it over to him but he didn't notice her, didn't look up at her. She licked her dry lips and willed her words to leave her mouth. "Dad?"
It was nothing above a whisper but Max looked up and Alex felt more tears come down her face as she saw her father crying. "Dad, what happened? Is she okay?"
Max shook his head and the tears fell faster. "They… They said her heat's shot, Alex. They got her on oxygen but… they said she isn't gonna last through the night."
Alex let out a sob and without wasting a moment Max stood up and the two embraced tightly. "She can't!" Alex sobbed in his shoulder. "She can't leave me!"
"It'll be okay," Max whispered trying to offer comfort for his daughter although he too was having troubles holding back his sobs h so desperately wanted to release.
"I'm not ready for her to leave yet," Alex cried, her sobs rocking her body. "I need her!"
"We both do, but right now yo- you gotta be strong okay?"
Alex opened her mouth to argue but nothing came out but more sobs. "I do- I don't want my mom to die!"
Max finally released the sob that he had been holding back for Alex's sake and hugged her tighter.
"I know, baby. It's gonna be okay, alright? I'm here. Okay, I'll always be here for you… Come on, honey, calm down, alright? Come on…"
Alex forced herself to calm down enough so she could let go of the loving embrace Max had wrapped her in. She didn't bother wiping at the tears because she knew more was going to fall soon.
"Can… can I see her?"
Max nodded. "283… Do you want me to send Lily in once she gets back?"
Alex shook her head. "No… I don't want her to see her like this. I don't want her to remember mom as anything more then what she's been shown."
Max nodded in understanding and for a moment looked over her face. "You two really do look so much alike."
"I know," Alex said with a cheerless smile. "Thanks…"
Max sniffed and wiped his eyes as Alex took a deep breath and turned away from him and began to walk down towards the room where Lila was.
Every step felt like a mile, every moment felt like a lifetime had passed. Her footsteps echoed on the linoleum floor beneath her as she silently made her way to the room.
The blinds were drawn and the heavy wooden door was closed. Nothing but the beeps of the equipment came from the interiors of the room. Alex swallowed hard as she reached out to open the door. She hesitated only for a moment before she clutched the door knob and turned, slowly walking into the room.
Alex swallower hard at what laid before her; the lights were dimmed and only a soft lamp glowed beside her. Lila was in the hospital bed in a cheap cotton hospital gown with several machines and IV's attached to her and an oxygen mask covered her mouth and nose. She looked tired and worn out, like she hadn't had a good sleep in ages.
Alex bit her bottom lip at the sight of her mother's hair and couldn't help but smile at the sight. Even on her death bed, her light blonde locks still looked as neat and presentable as always.
Lila had always told her that a woman's hair reflected the woman herself and that was why, no matter what, she always made sure she had gone out with beautiful looking hair and scolded Alex heavily when she saw Lily playing outside once with slightly snarled hair.
Alex shut the door behind her and the moment that one sound filled the air Lila turned towards her and Alex could see the smile behind the mask.
Lila reached up and took off the mask. "Alexandra." Her voice was nothing above a forced whisper but she continued to smile at her. "You're here…"
"Of course I'm here," said Alex softly as she walked over to the bedside and sat down beside her and held her hand tightly. "I'll always be here…"
Lily chuckled warmly and looked up at alarm at the sudden tears that appeared in Alex's eyes. "Alexandra, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
"Because I don't want you to leave me." As her own words left her Alex began sobbing once more.
Tears grew in Lila's eyes but she ignored her own and reached up and gently wiped away Alex's. "Alexandra, everything's going to be alright. I promise."
"No it's not, mom! I don't want you to go!"
"Alexandra, listen to me," Lila whispered as Alex took several hacking breaths before she looked down at her mother. "I had a very fulfilling life, listen to me a very fulfilling life. I married the man of my dreams, I saw you grow up into a beautiful, kind, caring woman, and do something you're great at and that you love. I watched you fall in love with an amazing woman who you deserve and who loves you more than life, and I got to spend thirteen beautiful and wonderful years with Lillian… There's nothing I would change about it. Perhaps going in a cotton polyester blend wouldn't have been the particular choice but there's not much I can do about that…"
Alex let out another sob however this was mixed with a laugh. Lila's eyes almost seemed to dance at the sound and she reached up and ran her hand through Alex's hair. "I love you so much, Alexandra. Never change who you are. For any one…"
Alex reached up and held her mother's hand to her cheek as more tears flooded down it. "I love you too, Mom."
The two women looked at one another for several moments before all of a sudden Lila gasped and clutched her heart. Her pale blue eyes remained open for several moments before they fluttered closed. At once several machine started going off and Alex stared back wide eyed and confused at an unmoving Lila. "Mom? Mom!"
When she received no response Alex jumped from her chair and ran over to the doorway. "Help! We need help in here!"
Alex raced back to the bed and held Lila's hand tightly. "Mom, wake up! Mom, please wake up! Mom, don't leave me! MOM!"
Lila's eyes shot open once more and Alex jumped back from the bed. "Alexandra!" she gasped.
"I'm here! Mom, I'm here!" Alex cried as she ran back over and tightly held her mother's hand. "I'm right here!"
But Lila seemed to be looking past Alex at something that Alex couldn't see. A smile grew on Lila's face as she continued to look past Alex and her eyes widened like she was looking at something wondrous and amazing. "It's beautiful," she whispered softly as her smile grew and she let out a soft laugh. "You, and Max, and Lillian and Olivia an- and James, you're all there! You're calling for me, Alexandra…! It's so… beautiful."
With a smile forever etched on her face; those words hung in the air and the sound of a flat line echoed in the small hospital room.
Lillian Verona Cabot fell silent for her one, only, and final time…
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