Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Supernatural, how I wished I did. I do know it is rightfully and respectfully owned by Erik Kripke and the CW.

Author Note: So I was a little saddened to see I only had 3 reviews for Chapter 10. I can only hope my "regular" people who been with me and are so supportive will review soon. I love everyone who reviews, remember that.

Previously:

He couldn't believe what was happening, One minute he was waiting for Sam to wake up and the next, he could lose his brother all over again.

"You must trust me Dean; I will do everything in my power to save your brother. You must also trust your se-"

Cas was cut off as a gasp was heard from behind me. Sam had awoken, finally. What terrified the him most was when he got close enough to see his little brother, he wasn't looking into hazel eyes, he was looking at pitch black ones.

Now…

He felt his breathe hitch at the sight. He had seen Sam with black eyes before, and he had hoped to never ever see them again. Apparently nobody was listening when he hoped that. He didn't know what to do, should he move? Would Sam lash out? Was this even Sam or someone else entirely?

He looked at Cas, for an answer. Cas was staring as him, as if sizing him up. He walked over slowly and very cautiously. He seemed to be satisfied with what he saw.

"Your brother isn't truly awake."'

"What the hell do you mean he isn't awake, his eyes are open. Oh and might I remind you they're pitch black."

"Yes, but this is part of the, shall we call it, side affects."

"Side affects? Are you nuts, it's not like Sam is doped out on drugs."

He watched as Cas sighed, stepping closer to Sam.

"Because I have not yet talked to the elders about this, I'm going to make my own assumption on what is going on."

"Okay, let's here it."

"I believe that since Lilith's blood is indeed running through Sam's veins, she is able to control him."

"Control him; I thought you…well that is just freakin perfect."

"I think the blood, because Lilith is a demon and has seen hell, she can do what she wants with hell. Although she is not possessing Sam, her blood is, and so it is like possessing him."

"Great, so why exactly are his eyes open?"

"Memories, that's the only thing that would make sense. he is seeing something, something his mind is trying desperately to protect him from. He's seeing one of his worst fears."

He knew Sam had many fears; thunder, clowns, storms in general. So it couldn't be those, because well, those things just weren't that scary.

"What is he seeing?"

"He's seeing you. Well, your time in hell anyway. How exactly it is being shown to him, I don't know."

Hell. Sam was seeing hell. Sure they had lived in what felt like hell a few times, but nothing could compare to the real deal. What made it worse was Sam was seeing his time in hell. He knew the poor kid had tried desperately to understand what had happened to Dean, and know he was, only in the worst way possible. He felt sick.

"Do you think he understand what's happening to him?"

"In truth I do believe so. Your brother is a very bright soul, intriguing. If he not yet figured it out, he soon will."

"So, I guess the real question is, is what do we do now?"

"We find any information that Sam may have gathered. His hunt for Lilith has never stopped, so he must have gathered any information he could find. It may alos be best to start looking for the last host possessed by Ruby or Lilith."

He nodding, knowing he needed to do this. To make himself usefull. Sam was literally going through hell right now, and he'd be damned if he'd let him keep suffering.

"Cas, could you do me a favor."

The look was cautious and questioning, but thankfully the angel nodded.

"Stay with him, whatever you do. Do. Not. Leave. Him."

"I didn't plan to."

"Good."

He was gently squeezing the pale and thin hand of his little brother before disappearing, all the while the black eyes that stared at the ceiling were pushing him to find a cure.

He had decided to start off with Sam's motel room. It wasn't difficult to find, quite easy actually. Especially when Sam's phone had apparently been left. Although the motel Sam had picked was 2 hours away from where they had originally been staying, at least Sam had stayed in the state.

He walked into the main office, noting the young kid sitting behind the counter looking bored out of his mind.

"Hi, my name is Dean. I'm looking for a man by the name of Sam Hill."

"I'm sorry sure we aren't allowed to give out information of visitors."

"Look, Sam is my brother and he's uh, he's gone missing. He's really tall, floppy hair, hazel eyes that have matched the puppy dog look. He went missing about a week ago."

"Look, under this motel's privacy policy I can't give you that information. Now, if you would like to stay the night and talk to the manager in the morning."

"Listen kid, you don't understand. This is my brother were talking about. He. Is. Missing. I'm going to get the information I want, one way or the other. You pick the easy way or not so easy way."

The kid gulped. He quickly typed something in to the computer.

"It seems that Sam actually paid for the whole week, but never checked out. It says we have some of his belongings, let me go and get those for you."

He waited anxious to get his hands on any of Sam's stuff. The kid came back carrying Sam's old duffle, laptop, cell phone, and what appeared to be a piece of paper.

"Here's everything the maid service picked up both inside and out of your brother's room."

"Thank you." He reached his wallet pulling out enough money that would cover his stay. "Here's for the next couple of days."

"Thank you and here's your key.'

He grabbed it anxious to see what the piece of paper said.

"I hope you find your brother."

"Yeah me too."

As he entered the motel room, the butt ugly yellow wallpaper stared back at him. Sam always had to pick the crappiest places. He would get his own crap out of the car, for now though his focus was on Sam's possessions. His hands picked up the piece of paper shocked to see it was a letter.

The thoughts swirling around in his head were jumbled. So Ruby, well Kailen, had tried to warn Sam. Then Sam had gone missing. How convenient. He knew Kailen, could be the key to saving Sam. He would have to find a way to get a hold of her.

He opened Sam's laptop, anxious for any ideas on what leads Sam had for Lilith. He figured since Sam was so anal about documenting every detail that he deemed important, he would find some useful information on My Documents. As he clicked it open, he was shocked to see just how many documents there were. He scrolled down looking at some of the titles, most interested in the ones dated in 2008.

Lilith spotted in Texas. Date: July 2nd, 2008

Ruby came, saved my assDate: July 13th, 2008

Ruby saved my ass, once againDate: July 30th, 2008

Ruby's blood-1st timeDate: Sep. 14th, 2008

Lead on LilithDate: Sep. 23rd, 2008

Slept with RubyDate: Oct 24th, 2008

What would Dean think of me? Date: September 18th, 2008

He stopped reading when he what the document title said. He knew he shouldn't delve into what Sam had gone through, but as much as Sam needed to understand Dean's time away, Dean needed to understand Sam's. So he opened the entry and began reading.

Today was a rough day. All days are rough anymore. I can feel myself loosing the desperate battle to stay alive. In reality though, I'm barely living. I eat, sleep, drink, research, drink, hunt, and drink some more.

While dad said, "Drinking on a hunt, it takes away your ability to think, to act when you need to the most." Fortunately for me, dad is no longer here. Although we fought, I still loved the man, he was my father.

While it hurt me to lose Dad, it's killing me that Dean is gone. Sure I put on a brave face, that's what soldiers do. Although I can feel it slipping, slowly. I'm becoming something I'm unfamiliar with, and I don't like it. I have no one, I'm alone, utterly and completely.

Sure I have Ruby, but she's a demon. I fuck her and sleep with her, but only for the warmth. Although she's not the kind of warmth I want or need. I need my brother's warmth, the teasing, the smirk, and hell even him calling me "Sammy".

As try as I might I can't bring him back. The hope is dwindling and soon there will be nothing left to give. When that happens, I will officially die. I hope one day Dean does come back, by a miracle from the great Lord himself, but that hope is less than an ounce.

As much as I want Dean back, a part that is so selfish wants him to to never be able to look at me again. It scares the shit out of me that if he saw what I was becoming, it would kill him. I hate what I'm doing, because it's making me something that I've feared my entire life. I'm becoming a monster, the same thing as Ruby, and as much as I want to stop, I can't. I'm desperate for some time of help.

I'm so tired, right now, but also of everything. I have no one left to live for and so for that how does a person live?

Date: September 18th, 2008

-Sam-

As realization hit him and looked at the date again, he realized it was the day he was brought out of hell. His chest felt heavy like he couldn't breath. Oh god, the things he had said to Sam were some of his worst fears. So now, what was he going to do?

Author Note: I LOVED writing this chapter, it was definitely the most fun for me. I hope to have lots of reviews for this chapter, to make up for Chapter 10. The reason I said, "regular" reviewers is because they're the people that review most everytime I update. I always LOVE to get a new person to join the list and become on of my "regular" reviews. Again, all who review...are so much appreciated.

XOXO,

Kaylee

P.S. I guess I'll say this again...if you have added yourself to my Alert/Favorite list thank you. Would. You. Please. Leave. Me. A. Review? I always try to review a story that I love because I know as an Author myself it gives the writer inspiration. So all those who have added me if your a writer yourself, you probably don't like opening up your Inbox which may say "20 New" and have 4 of them be reviews. It just all around sucks. I am going to be extremely busy tomorrow, but I WILL update. Since I update everyday, could you be so kind as to leave me a review? It would truly mean a lot.