"It's not that bad."
[Buttercup stares at him]
"Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."
-Westley, The Princess Bride
Castle's animated chatter had grown suspiciously quieter when Kate turned the car off the highway, and then quieter still as they bounced up the dirt track to the cabin, following her dad's car at an easy distance. She prefered the drive in the summer time, as the beauty of the woods was unmistakeable then- trees surrounded them on every side; beautiful, solid hardwoods and evergreens, tangled vines and saplings springing up in between, and underbrush adding texture and color to the landscape. Occasionally a small stream or waterfall could be glimpsed, the only hint yet of the lake which the cabin backed onto. In the winter it contained its own beauty though- a veritable Winter Wonderland with snow thick on the ground and ice defining every visible piece of bark, detailing it with silver.
She glanced at him as she navigated the familiar track, avoiding potholes and easing the vehicle around turns along the narrow way. He had turned slightly so he could face away from her, the little she could see of his face suggesting he was wearing a frown. His hands were restless, too, fiddling with the seat belt and worrying the little scrap of leather that had come away from his arm rest. After his fourth sigh, she reached a hand across the consul to still his fidgeting fingers. He seemed to startle when she touched him, turning surprised blue eyes to stare at her.
"Castle, what's wrong? I thought you were excited about this trip," she asked, concern outweighing her momentary irritation. He sighed heavily. Again.
"I am. I really am. I just..." his voice trailed off, and he looked out the side window, lost in his own mind again.
"So excited you can't even finish a sentence, maybe?" she teased lightly, brushing her thumb over his knuckles before releasing his hand to make a particularly sharp turn. Once she was done, she reached for his hand again, squeezing it gently. He squeezed back, and turned to face her.
"I was so swept away by your Dad including me on your family holiday that I forgot we were going to his cabin," his voice was low, heavy. Almost robotic.
Her eyebrows came together as she tried to puzzle out his train of thought. She came up blank. "And that's a problem...?"
Another sigh. "I just haven't been here yet."
She just waited this time, lifting a slightly demanding eyebrow at him.
"This is where you came... after," he finally managed to wrench the words out.
"After...?" she began, bewildered at first, but then it all clicked into place.
After she was shot. After she told him she needed some time and space, and never called. This is where she ran away to, while he stayed in the city spending an entire summer staring at a phone that never rang.
She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. "Yes. This is where I stayed while I recovered." Her voice would have sounded steady to a stranger, as if she had few thoughts on the subject. Castle, however, had spent the last five years cataloging every detail of her, so he caught the little tremor of regret that ran beneath her words.
"Have you been back here?" he asked quietly, trying as hard as he could not to add any more hurt to the conversation.
"Once. I, uh, came up here for a weekend last year. For my Dad's birthday," she replied.
"It'll be interesting to see if the place looks anything like I imagined it," he said after a long pause.
She glanced at him. "How did you imagine it?"
He grinned at her. "Oh, you know, the usual. Rough timber decor, comfortable but mismatched furnishings, my initials carved in love hearts on the exposed beams of your bedroom." he teased to break the tension. She wasn't put off, though.
"Will you be ok? Coming out here?" she asked, bringing her bottom lip under her teeth. He sighed, shifting in his seat.
"Bit late now, isn't it?" he joked humorlessly, before giving her a serious answer. "I will be, once I'm there. I guess I just built this place up a lot in my mind, you know? And..." he took a deep breath, "And we've never really talked about that summer."
The words hung out there, bouncing around the car between them. She felt like she had been punched in the gut.
It took her several moments to recover.
"You're right. We never did. Is that... I mean, obviously you've been thinking about it..." she floundered. His grip on her hand tightened. She had almost forgotten he was holding it.
"Kate, you don't- I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry," he said, trying to make it better like he always did, but she shook her head.
"No, you want to know. You deserve to know, and I want you to if it helps you. Just... anything you need, Castle. I'm... we're both in this. Together. And I'm sorry if this is something that has hurt you. I know I'm not always completely forthcoming, but... I want to be, Castle. For you," she stumbled over her words as she tried to explain, cursing her inability to articulate emotions clearly.
Glancing over at him as she gently pried her hand away to navigate another tight series of bends, she saw his eyes were misting over, an awestruck look of pride and affection filling them.
"I don't deserve you," he said sincerely. "You're... Kate, I don't have words for you. You're incredible. The bravest person I've ever met."
Not knowing how to respond, she reached for his hand and lifted it to her lips to kiss, cradling it to her cheek for a moment before releasing it.
He seemed to understand.
When they arrived, they grabbed their bags and headed through the open plan living space inside. The cabin wasn't huge, and was fairly traditional on the outside, but surprisingly spacious within. Jim and Johanna greeted them distractedly, but Jim was eagerly showing his resurrected wife the renovations that had been done around the place over the past few years. Kate hustled them through quickly to the tiny hallway, and into the first bedroom.
"Bathroom's just through there," she said, pointing. "Dad's done a lot to the place now that he's been spending more time out here. My room pretty much looks the way it always did, except Dad surprised me with a new bed when I got up here that summer. He thought I might need more space."
The room was tiny, the queen sized bed taking up most of the space jammed up in the corner against the window. The walls were papered in a lavender print- probably dating back to her childhood- and posters adorned the walls with a couple of band logos, presumably from her teen years. There was a tiny closet and a bureau along the wall at the foot of the bed by the door, and a small step bookshelf lined the wall next to the bedside table.
She ushered him in, indicated for him to drop their bags at the foot of the bed, and watched with a small smile as he immediately started poking around. Of course he noticed the well worn pair of Nikki Heat books on the bedside table almost right away. He crossed the room in two long strides and picked up Heat Wave, a huge grin on his face. The grin fell into a frown, though, as he flipped open the front cover, and he looked up and her.
"My Dad's copies," she answered his unvoiced question. His eyebrows almost disappeared into his hair, and all but dropped the book back onto the bedside table. She moved into the room, sat on the bed, and tugged him down to sit next to her. "Dad brought them out here after his first trip back into the city," she explained. "I think he knew how badly I wanted even some part of you to be here with me."
He reached up and swept a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "If I'd known, I would have been here in an instant," he said sadly. She cupped his hand to her face, pressed her cheek into his palm.
"I know that now. Back then... Castle, I was so broken. I wouldn't have been able to handle it," she whispered.
"I know. I just wish I could have been here for you somehow," he replied, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead.
"You were. Your words were. And not just your books. What you said when it happened- that's what kept me going. There were days where the sound in my head of you saying you loved me was the only thing that got me out of bed, kept me motivated to get better," she admitted, bringing her other hand up to stroke through his hair.
He looked down at her, awestruck, before swooping in and molding his lips to hers, seeking and tasting and loving. When he pulled away, his cheeks were suspiciously damp. She laughed quietly, used her thumbs to dry his eyes even as he turned his head to press kisses to her palms.
"My summer here was torture, Castle. I need you to help me make some happy memories here instead. Will you do that?" she smiled. He nodded his head vigorously, pulling her to him playfully and tipping them both down on the bed so that she landed sprawled across his chest. She couldn't help the giggle that escaped. "Castle, my parents are in the other room!" she whispered.
"Actually, we're in the hallway," Johanna's voice came from the open door with a laugh. Castle unceremoniously dumped Kate onto the bed next to him and sat bolt upright.
"Hey! How was your trip?" he asked, trying too hard for innocence. Kate rolled over and sat up, thumping him on the arm. "Ow! Apples!"
"Rick, if you're done acting being my daughter's punching bag, I think Jim's eager to give you the grand tour. He's done a lot to the place."
"I don't think I'll ever be done with that job," he muttered, scrambling off the bed and following Johanna out into the living room.
After a lengthy tour of the cabin, Jim's pride and joy, Castle was then invited to help bring in fire wood from the shed and help make sure everything was in working order outside, too. Twenty minutes later, they were finished but freezing, and Johanna brought steaming mugs of hot chocolate into the living area as Jim made quick work of getting the fire started. Kate reappeared, too, curling into Castle's side on the sofa.
"How's my hunter gatherer?" teased Kate, pressing a kiss into his jaw. He gave her a dirty look as he accepted the steaming mug from Johanna.
"This hot chocolate is amazing!" he enthused.
Jim beamed at Johanna from his spot on the rug. "It's her secret recipe. No one can make hot chocolate like my Jo."
Kate took a tentative sip to cover her discomfort at her father's open admiration. With things still not totally resolved between herself and her mother, she found herself feeling almost a little betrayed by her father's easy acceptance of the situation.
The taste of the hot chocolate curled over her tongue, awakening memories of winter evenings and Christmas and laughter. It caught in her throat, made her bust out coughing.
"Kate? You ok?" Castle asked, ever attentive. She nodded, standing quickly.
"I'm fine. Excuse me," she carefully placed her mug on the coffee table and almost ran to the hallway. Castle made as if to stand, but Johanna held up her hand.
"Let me. Please?" she asked. Her eyes were so much like Kate's he couldn't say no. He nodded silently, and she exited the room after her daughter.
Kate was curled up on the bed facing the wall, her emotions in a jumble. She had all but forgotten the taste of her mother's hot chocolate, but having it again this afternoon served as yet another reminder of all she had missed out on over the past fourteen years. Drinking it felt like she was accepting the situation, and she was just so confused by everything.
Hearing a light tap on the door, followed by it creaking open and the end of the bed dipping under a person's weight, Kate stayed as she was.
"I'm fine, Castle. Really," she said.
"It's not Castle, Katie," her mother said gently. Kate jerked up into a sitting position, sliding awkwardly up to sit against the headboard, as far from her mother as she could get.
"What do you want?" Kate asked, her wavering voice betraying the control she had been aiming for.
"I just wanted to check on you. You left in rather a hurry," Johanna said, a sadness beneath her gentle tone.
"I said I was fine," Kate said woodenly. Johanna sighed.
"Kate." Her parental warning voice. Kate squirmed, feeling like she was twelve and in trouble. She spoke through clenched teeth.
"What?" she asked sullenly.
The annoyance drained out of Johanna's eyes. "I just hoped you might want to talk. It's one of the things I missed, curling up with you on winter days or when you were sick, talking about everything, watching Temptation Lane. I've missed you, Katie-Bug."
Kate lowered her eyes, didn't say anything. After a pause, Johanna tried again.
"Look, no one's making you come out there, but we'd all like you to. I can't get to know you again if you don't open up, Katie."
Kate closed her eyes, trying to find her way through the fog of emotion. "I don't know if I can do this," she whispered.
Johanna smiled. "Of course you can. Everyone in that room loves you, Katie. And that's why Jim asked Rick to join us- so you wouldn't have to face your father and I alone."
Kate opened her eyes, looked at her mother- but suddenly that wasn't the reassurance she needed. "Castle's there?" she asked.
Her mother nodded. "Castle's there."
"Ok," Kate said, standing slowly and heading back out into the living room.
Castle all but leapt off the couch when he saw her, enveloping her in his arms.
"You ok?" he asked as he cradled her in his arms.
She nodded into his neck, feeling safe and comfortable for the first time since she had arrived at the cabin. Her mother's voice floated over to them, full of amusement.
"I told you so," Johanna said.