Chapter eleven: Whispering through you

Thursday, January 31

Lizzie returned to her desk determined to stop procrastinating. She was making progress on her prospectus, but she was to the point where she needed to add information and excerpts from her interview with Darcy. And for that, she needed a transcript of it. There was a reason she'd saved that for last, and though she tried to convince herself that it was because transcribing was incredibly tedious, she knew that wasn't the whole reason.

Her marathons in the last week and a half had not actually covered all her videos. She had stopped after "How to Hold a Grudge," Lydia's final words ringing in her ears:

"So this makes what, Lizzie? Best friend, boyfriend, older sister, younger sister, all gone in what? Four months? My video was wrong. You are good at something."

The words had stung at the time, leaving her for once without a quick comeback and reducing her to angry defensive muttering. Lydia was just being spiteful, she told herself more than once in the following days. She was not driving Lydia away—Lydia was the one throwing a tantrum because she couldn't handle a little well-meaning advice. Jane's move to L.A. had nothing to do with her, and Wickham's departure was good riddance. Sure, she had been wrong about Charlotte's decision to work for Ricky, but she had learned from that and apologized. Secure in her innocence from Lydia's accusation, she had eventually learned to ignore it.

That is, until she marathoned her videos. Her own words at the end of "Letter Analysis"—"So not only did I insult and reject Darcy, but I managed to drive him hundreds of miles away. That should be my new slogan. Lizzie Bennet: driving people away since the early 2010s"—had reminded her of Lydia's taunt, and this new disaster with Darcy had given it teeth. She might not have driven him to another city this time, but she had destroyed…well, whatever had been building between them these past weeks.

Which was why she had stopped her marathon before the Pemberley videos. She could not bear to see what she had thrown away, to put a name to what might have been.

But now…no more excuses. Lizzie armed herself with a cup of tea, opened a blank document, and rolled the footage.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Darcy stood and left the room. She had not typed a single word.

There had been a chance for them. He had cared for her still. She could see it now. The way his whole body stilled when she briefly touched his shoulder. His surprised pleasure when she called him a "young CEO" or showed how much Pemberley Digital impressed her. The way he watched her constantly—not like she was a traffic accident and he couldn't look away, but attentively, like he didn't want to look away. The thoughtful way he answered her questions, elaborating and even asking her opinion when she showed particular interest in something. The fact he made time for their interview and never once checked his watch until they were done.

There had been a chance for them, for she could have cared for him too. She knew that now that it was too late. He was funny and intelligent and intense and caring and…and maybe exactly what she wanted and needed. They could have been happy together, could have brought out and honed each other's strengths.

There had been a chance for them. Past tense. Irrevocably past tense.

The footage was rolling again, but she barely registered it in her grief.

Darcy appeared to feel nothing for her now. It wasn't just that he no longer cared for her. Of course he didn't. But he seemed to feel nothing, period. None of the fury and pain he'd felt during their confrontation. No resentment. He had been all business the past few days. He asked for her help with Domino, weighed her input, treated her with the quiet respect he showed toward everyone at Pemberley, and that was it. All other feeling was buried impossibly deep within him.

It was preferable to open hatred, she supposed…or was it? If he'd kicked her out, she would have been back home by now, licking her wounds and trying to move on. Hanging around Pemberley like this—seeing him, talking to him, feeling her defenses crumble a little more with each encounter, feeling the hopelessness of it all deep in her bones—oh, it was unbearable!

"Lizzie?" Darcy interrupted from her doorway. "How are—oh." He stopped short at the sight of his own face on her screen.

"Oh!" she started, feeling her cheeks burning. She snapped her laptop shut. "Come in. I was just, um, making a transcript for my report."

"I see."

Darcy pulled up a chair, and when he met her gaze again she could see that he was serious and rather tense. She drew a deep, steadying breath as she looked at him. This was her reality now, a painful contrast to the lively interview she'd just watched.

"I have been watching your videos again."

Lizzie swallowed hard. That was an ominous beginning.

"I had not paid attention to the dates before, but I see you had a regular posting schedule."

She nodded, confused.

"Lizzie, you haven't posted anything in over a week. Why?"

He had to ask? Lizzie looked down, her hands fidgeting in her agitation. "I…I don't really feel like making videos right now."

"But you stopped so abruptly. Your viewers are nearly frantic with worry for you."

"Oh." Her viewers had been tweeting him for months. She should have known this would happen. "I tweeted that I'm taking an indefinite hiatus, and they're determined to find out why." Naturally, the most popular theory was that he had found her videos and forced her to stop. She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry if they're bothering you. I can ask them to stop, but I'm not sure that will help."

He shook his head dismissively before asking, "Does that mean you will resume when you leave Pemberley?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure when I will."

His mouth compressed tightly as he studied her. "Lizzie, I do not mean to intrude, but it is obvious that your videos mean a great deal to you. Are you certain you wish to break away from them like this?"

Yes! was her immediate, sharp thought. She could barely stand to look at her camera right now. She did miss her viewers, though. But…why was he doing this? He was certainly smart enough to put two and two together, so why was he being deliberately obtuse? "I just…I have to, okay?" she said tightly.

"Why?"

She frowned at him, and her voice biting with disbelief and frustration. "G-, do I really have to spell it out? You saw what I posted. Do you want me to start making videos again?"

Darcy's eyes shadowed at her words, and for a moment he looked away from her, toward where her camera had been set up before.

"Any objective viewer can see that your videos are compelling, and excellently done. I do not want to be the reason you disrupt that," he said quietly. Then he fumbled in his suit pocket and held out his hand. "Here."

She eyed it warily for a moment, then gave a convulsive little snort. "Another letter?"

His mouth tipped upward a little. "Not exactly." He watched her open it, then added, "It's a document clearing it with Legal for you to film your videos here. It covers those you've already filmed as well as any future videos."

Lizzie stared at the paper in her hand, glanced up at him, then sat staring at the paper again. The document was simple, less than one page, with fewer clauses and four-syllable legalese than she'd have expected. Far more incomprehensible was the man who'd given it to her. Why on earth would he do this?

She looked up at last to find him watching her cautiously. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. "I don't know if I'll start vlogging again right now, but…thank you for this."

Darcy nodded, then rose. "Well, I will leave you to your transcription."

He was nearly to the door when her sudden "Wait!" brought him around to face her.

She skimmed the document again, searching for his name, but it wasn't there. Apparently he hadn't made it a condition, but he had to be wondering. She looked back up into those unfathomable blue eyes. "If I do, you don't need to worry. I won't show you or talk about you in them anymore."

He frowned. "That is not necessary."

She blinked. "It's not?" Darcy fidgeted a little and tucked his chin, but he didn't take back what he'd said. This was beyond belief. "You want to be in my videos?"

"I am willing to appear in them, if you wish. But only if you wish."

"Oh. Well, um…I'll let you know." It was all she could manage.

He nodded again and was gone. Lizzie went to the door and followed him with her eyes until he disappeared into the stairwell. She closed the door then and slid down to sit with her back against it.

Nothing Darcy said or did made sense anymore. Nothing. He allowed her to stay at Pemberley. He watched her videos, apparently more than once. He praised them. He wanted her to keep filming despite what she'd done. He would allow her to film at Pemberley, allow her to film him again.

It wasn't that she wasn't grateful. She was, truly she was. He was giving her so much—the opportunity to finish her independent study and thus graduate on time, the freedom to continue the videos on her own terms—everything she didn't deserve. But she had never been more confused.

Lizzie thumped her head lightly against the door a couple times, then grabbed her phone. No way could she figure this out alone.

Charlotte picked up on the third ring. "Hey stranger!"

"Hi! Are you busy?"

"I'm playing catch-up after going on an internet-free retreat in the middle of Game of Gourds production. I don't think I'll ever be un-busy. But I'm overdue for a break. How is Pemberley Digital?"

"It's a long story."

"…okay?" Charlotte said when she didn't go on.

Lizzie took a deep breath. "Darcy just volunteered to be in my videos, and I don't know what to do."

There was a long pause—Charlotte was apparently without words again—and then, "Okay, spill."

Twenty minutes and a dozen questions later, they were getting to the crux of the matter. "Do you want to start vlogging again?"

"I don't know! I…maybe?"

"Then why not do it? You said you were filming when Darcy came in—you could post that footage and then take it from there."

"I can't post that!"

"Why not? I understand why you didn't post it before, but now that he's volunteered to be in the videos, what's stopping you? You still have a contract with your viewers. They expect to see what's happening in your life, and this was huge."

"But that's part of what got me into this mess! Remember what I said to introduce the rejection video? I said the viewers would never forgive me if I didn't let them see him. What kind of stupid excuse was that?"

"But this isn't a video of you rejecting him."

"It's still personal, for him even more than for me," she insisted.

"Okay, it's personal," Charlotte conceded. "So what's the plan? Start posting again like nothing happened, and hope the viewers stop asking eventually?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "Maybe I should stay on hiatus a while longer."

"You can, if that's what you need. But I think it's going to be harder the longer you wait. And you're going to have to address it sometime. I mean, unless you pick a different thesis topic and delay graduation, you're going to have to spend a couple months analyzing the videos."

Lizzie swore under her breath. She didn't even want to think about that.

"Besides, I know you. Keeping all this inside has been eating you alive. Don't you think it might help to make some more videos and work things through?"

"Make them with Darcy?"

"With or without Darcy. Though since he volunteered, and he is the person you need to talk to…".

"But…". She drew her up her knees and rested her head against them, curling in on herself. "What if I do it again?"

"Do what again?"

"Get carried away. Post something I shouldn't." Hurt him.

"Lizzie, listen to what you've been saying. You've learned from this. You're so worried about it that you're going to be super careful. You'll be fine."

Lizzie bit her lip. "Maybe."

"Darcy must think so too, or he wouldn't be giving you a second chance with your videos."

"I have no idea what he's thinking," she burst out piteously. "He doesn't give second chances, and—."

"Says who?"

"He did, at Netherfield."

That gave Charlotte pause, but not for long. "Well, maybe he's changed his mind. It sounds like he's changed a lot since then. I mean, what other explanation is there? He's not being nice to you because he secretly hates you."

"Well…".

"Come on, don't make me remind you of all our conversations about him last summer. And last fall."

"I know, I know. I misjudged pretty much everything about him. But…I don't know. Maybe he's still upset but feels obligated to be nice because I"—because I kept Gigi's secret, she almost said, but remembered at the last second that Charlotte didn't know about that—"because I'm at his company. Or maybe he's just trying to be the bigger person or…or get all this out of his system. He said he watches my videos 'objectively' now."

"Okay, yeah, that's confusing."

"Tell me about it."

"Well, all I can say is, you need to talk to him. On or off camera."

They talked a little longer, and Lizzie laughed sympathetically at the team-building activities Ricky had invented for the company retreat. It felt good to reconnect with her best friend, and it was too soon when Charlotte ended the call to get back to work.

Their parting words haunted Lizzie into the weekend.

"Let me know how it goes with Darcy."

"I don't know. Maybe I should just wait and see if he says anything next time I see him. He might change his mind about being in my videos."

Charlotte sighed. "Lizzie, you remember when you used to play tennis?"

"Yeah, but what's that—?"

"Then you should understand the concept that the ball is in your court."

Charlotte was right, she decided at last. The ball was in her court.

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I mentioned a few chapters ago that the biggest question I faced when beginning to write this story was whether Darcy could forgive Lizzie for posting video of him and lying to him about it, and whether he could eventually trust her again. When writing the current group of chapters, that question turned inward-what would it take for Lizzie to forgive herself for hurting Darcy (and other people, but he's at the forefront in this scenario), and trust herself again? She's not there yet, but these conversations with Darcy and then with Charlotte are important steps. I would love to hear your thoughts on this!