Chapter 11

"At the daycare, I came to see you but anytime I started to say a few words you cut me off because you had to help this one and do that and this and I should wait. I tried so often over the day and in the evening I went to sit under a tree and watched you for a while. You had forgotten about me, you finished what you were doing and instead of looking for me you started the next work. That's when I left."

BA remembered the day well. "Oh man, you just came at the wrong day, I was so busy."

"Yeah, sure, my fault. So tired…"

"No, that's not what I mean, I should have asked you why you came, even if it had been the next day." But BA was apologizing to a sleeping Face. The strain was just too much and his body decided to take over and get some rest.

"What was he talking about BA?"

B.A. didn't hear the question; he was too consumed with his guilt. But he started to answer it anyway. "Oh, man…I messed up bad. I could see he was hurtin', but I just ignored him. I figured he could handle it by hiself like he always do." B.A. heaved a sigh. "That's the problem…because he always looks so put together we assume he got everythin' under control. But that day was different…I saw it…and I just didn't take the time to help him." B.A. was rambling on and on at this point, but he couldn't stop. "I put all them kids' needs above Face's…what kinda friend am I? He looked different…I don't know…almost messy…like he just rolled outta bed. I figured maybe he had. He looked real tired and pale…like he was comin' down with somethin'. If only I asked him what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have happened."

Once B.A. had stopped talking and stood staring at the still form of Face in the bed, Hannibal asked, "When was this?"

"A little over a year ago…right before Thanksgiving."

Murdock walked over to the gold-clad man and put an arm around his shoulder. For once, B.A. didn't try to pull away. "It's not your fault, big guy."

"We can keep tellin' ourselves that, Murdock, but yes it is. You heard him…he tried to talk to each of us." B.A.'s shoulders slumped. "I remember what he first said to me at the center that day."

"Hey B.A. Do you have a minute to talk?"

"Not really, Faceman…"

"Please. It's important."

"I'm kinda busy, man. Can it wait?"

"I guess so. I'll just hang out until you have some time."

"The Faceman even helped me out with the kids a bit. But every time he tried to pull me away, I had some excuse. I saw him sittin' by that tree an' I left him there. Maybe deep down I was scared of what he was gonna tell me…I mean if he was comin' to me I knew it couldn't be good."

Hannibal got a thoughtful look on his face. "B.A., earlier you said 'if only I asked him what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have happened'. What did you mean by that?"

"Thanksgiving was about three days after I blew him off…do you remember what happened on Thanksgiving night?"

Face had spent the day at the orphanage as he often did on holidays helping out with kids who were in a position he once was in. None of them would ever forget the call from Father McGhill.

"I'm at the hospital…Templeton is being admitted. I'm sorry, but we had no other choice…it isn't good."

"Which hospital are you at father…okay…we're on our way."

Hannibal and Murdock put on some disguise while BA drove. He himself donned a wide jacked that covered his gold and a hat to cover his hair. They will never forget the way Face looked in this hospital bed. Pale, almost transparent, and unmoving. Had it not been for all the cables and pipes going in and out of his body he would have looked like dead.

"Father, what happened?"

"I don't know, we were in the middle of our dinner when one of the boys asked where Templeton was. I told him he had left to go and see his friends, that was what Templeton had told me, but the kids pointed out that his car was still parked outside. We looked and found him laying on the floor over at our pond. It is a very secluded part of the orphanage and Templeton loved to go there. He looked…my God…he looked like dead. I was so glad when I found a faint pulse. "

"Was he attacked?"

"There are no signs. The doctor says he's not stable yet, anything is possible. They took all kind of samples and have him hooked to all this machines. His vitals are all over the map and every once in a while an alarm will go off and they pump some medicine in him."

The doctor arrived that very moment. "Are you the family the father here told me about?"

"Yes, we're his family. What happened to him?"

"We don't know yet. I first thought drugs but his blood is clean. We're still searching."

Murdock shuddered at the memory. "It was one of the longest nights of my life."

"You ain't kiddin', fool. It felt like he would never wake up, man."

Hannibal nodded in agreement. "And it took forever for them to conclude what was wrong with him."

"He's underweight and suffering from malnutrition. His blood sugar dropped extremely low and is probably why he lost consciousness in the first place. We are feeding him through a tube and pumping him full of fluids as he is severely dehydrated."

"But why isn't he waking up?"

"My best guess is that he is physically exhausted to the point that his body shut down on him. Rest is the best thing for him now."

"I was so angry with him for letting himself get in that condition."

"That's an understatement, Colonel. But at least by the time he finally came around you had calmed down enough not to knock him out again."

B.A. smirked. "I dunno, man…I seem to recall havin' to hold him back at first."

"His not taking care of himself had put us all at risk. We're just lucky it took Decker two days to catch up with us and that Face was well enough to leave the hospital."

"Yeah, but barely," Murdock added. "God, he was so weak."

"I carried him like a sack of potatoes out to my van. He wasn't much heavier."

Hannibal put a hand to his forehead and held it there a moment before running it through his silver hair. "Damn!"

"What?" Murdock and B.A. asked at the same time, causing Murdock to smile and B.A. to groan.

"And we did it again…never really asked Face what happened. We were so caught up in running from the MPs that it took us a few days to really shake them. By that point Face was insisting he was fine and we were too tired to press the issue."

"I'm beginning to feel like a broken record…"

"Which one?" Murdock interrupted. "The Beatles or The Rolling Stones…I broke both last week."

"Shut-up and let me talk, fool!" B.A. growled. "I feel like a broken record 'cause I'm gonna say it again…we shoulda asked him about what happened at the orphanage."

A weak voice came from the bed. "You really want to know? I'll tell you. What happened was my supposed friends refusing to help me, no, refusing to so much as listen to me."

"Faceman, I'm sorry, I should have asked you why you came and should have listened to you. If I could turn back time I would."

"Well, you can't." Face winced as he had shifted a little. The feeling in his legs had still not fully returned, although it was far better now, but therefore the pain in his back was driving him insane.

"Face, we're all sorry, we would turn back time if we could, please know that we didn't hurt you intentionally. We…"

"No, you never do anything with intention, do you? You were the cause of all this and now you're standing here telling me it wasn't intentional."

"I caused it? How?"

"It was your great idea to celebrate Thanksgiving with Maggie. That alone was not the problem, I would have loved for her to come along to wherever we would celebrate the occasion, we always did celebrate it together as a team. But no, you had to tell us to come to Bad Rock. The last place on earth I want to go to be thankful for something and you had to insist we go there."

"Oh god kid, I didn't think at all, I mean, we've returned to Bad Rock many times…I never thought..,oh god."

"Yeah, we returned many times, most of the times I was out of it. Sure I'm thankful to Maggie for helping me, but going there to say thanks for the year, no way."

"Face, why didn't you say something?"

"Why I didn't say something?" Face voice rose and he pushed himself up on his elbows but immediately fell back down. "Ouww." He had his eyes closed and was panting through the pain.

"Take it easy kid, why don't you rest some?"

"You always…ouuuww…push me to talk…and now…now that I want…you want to stop me."

"No, no, I just don't want you to suffer."

"Now you care?"

"Buddy, we always care about you."

"Yeah? I wanted to talk to you. I broke into your VA in the evening after I hadn't slept for three days because I saw Sue whenever I closed my eyes but you didn't even mind me, you were talking to your socks."

Murdock just lowered his eyes, he didn't know what to say. He didn't even remember the episode.

"That ain't fair, man," B.A. accused. "That's why Murdock is there in the first place."

"I know," Face sighed and shot Murdock an apologetic look. "But it feels like whenever I need somebody they have an excuse to blow me off, but I'm not allowed that luxury. Do you know how many times I felt like I was dying from the inside out, but then one of you would call needing something and I would come running?"

The shame was clear on the trio's faces; they had no words.

"But Thanksgiving was bad. I hadn't slept or eaten much in days and after visiting B.A. things only escalated. But I promised the Father I would help him out and I couldn't let him or the kids down. I worked so hard to keep it all together…I'm the Faceman after all…have to put on a happy face. But right after I carved the turkey I started to feel really sick. I knew I needed to get out of there…I thought that maybe if I could get some fresh air I would be okay. But once I got to the pond I was so dizzy. I remember falling to my knees and praying for all the pain to end." Tears were freely flowing down Face's cheeks. "I felt so alone...since what happened in Bad Rock I've felt so alone."

The anger was slowly leaving Face as he was finally giving voice to the secret hell he had been living. The team could sense the change and they moved closer to their friend. Hannibal took his good hand and held on tightly. Face was shaking and he could feel the little energy he had waning. His eyes began to drift shut.

"That's it, kid…just rest. You aren't alone anymore."

But moments after his eyes closed they popped open in a panic looking all around. His head shot up followed by his upper body, but just for a few inches before he grimaced in pain. The pain brought him back to reality and he sunk down into the pillows he was laying on shaking all over.

"What was it kid?" Not that he had to ask but he needed a start and this was as good as any.

"Nothing, I'm going to sleep."

"Face no, look at me."

Face didn't open his eyes

"Kid, open your eyes, don't shut us out okay? Did you hear what I just said? You're not alone anymore."

"Always alone." Face mumbled without opening his eyes.

"You saw Sue did you?" This time his eyes did shoot open. "Calm down, calm down, she's not here."

"Not? No."

"Rest some Face, we'll fix this, together."

"Together…promise?" He looked from face to face of the men above him.

"Promise," they all repeated in unison. He sounded so scared…like a lost child.

"Don't wanna…close my…eyes again."

"We here to protect you, man," B.A. tried. "You safe."

"Yeah…I know," Face said in a low voice, but his eyes still reflected fear. "But it's myself I'm scared of…can't shut off…my brain. The thoughts…the flashbacks…keep coming."

Murdock could somewhat relate. "Then don't shut it off…but don't shut us out. Talk to us…we won't judge you."

Face paled. "You…you sure…'bout that?"

"Yes," Hannibal answered.

"It wasn't Sue I was thinking about…it was…it was…no, it was Sue."

"Face, if we want to get through this together you have to be open to us and not shut us out. Trust us."

"I do…trust you I mean. It was Sue I saw, I'm sure."

"No, it wasn't Sue, and that I'm sure about."

"But…just let it go okay, you, you don't need to know."

"C'mon buddy, we need to know your demons to work through them. Don't think you have to spare us something, out with it already, or I'll sick Billy on you."

'Oh god, he was seeing one of us hurting him in his flashback, that's why he doesn't want to talk. Most likely me with that darn scalpel, I caused the most pain. Oh my god, what have I done to this kid?' Hannibal was so lost in guilt he almost missed the whispered words.

"It's so awful, I mean, it was always there but it seems everything I worked hard to suppress is bubbling to the surface, She has crippled me, the more I try to forget her the more of my demons come to the surface. I'm so tired, just so tired but afraid to close my eyes, they wouldn't let me sleep."

"Then share some of them demons, what was it that just scared you?"

"It was…I saw…I dreamed of, no…I saw Lynch holding this damn wire above me and laughing like a devil."

"Oh kid, I'm so sorry. It all happened a long time ago, we'll help you through. You'll see, now sleep, close your eyes, we're here for you in case the nightmares come."

"In case? That's a given." Mumbled Face as his eyes drifted shut. This time they stayed that way…for now.

'Just Lynch and it had him reeling like this. I thought he was over that.'

"I should have seen it, I ignored all the signs."

"What you talking about fool."

"He had more nightmares than usual but I never said something, just helped him to fall back asleep and never asked what's wrong."

"When did you notice his increased nightmares?"

"Anytime we bunked together, on missions. I should have wondered how he slept when we were not on missions and nobody was there to ward off the bad dreams but I never did. Some friend I am."

"At least you noticed something at all. What kind of leader am I?

"The best kind," B.A. answered without missing a beat. "And don't you go sayin' nothin' bad about yourself."

Hannibal smiled appreciatively. "Thanks, sergeant. We really need to stop going back to what we could have done in the past and focus on what we can do now to help Face.

"Hannibal's right," Murdock agreed. "We should encouage Face to open up about his past, but try not to get caught up in ourselves. We have to listen to him...no matter what...and not get defensive if he calls us out or places blame on us."

"That's easier said than done."

"B.A..."

He held up his muscular arms to stop Hannibal. "I didn't say I wouldn't do it...I just said it wouldn't be easy."

Hannibal nodded. "Good. We can do this...we have to do this. He needs us."

"And we need him, too," Murdock added. "He doesn't realize how much."

"Right."

Hannibal chuckled. "You two have been agreeing a little too often lately...you're giving me the creeps."

"Imagine how I feel," B.A. lamented, but he couldn't supress a small grin.

"Okay...first order of business is to get Face physically well. That's probably adding to his mental stress right now...he probably can't think straight due to the fever and pain."

Hannibal was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. "Must be Maggie," he said before getting off the floor to answer it.

The look on Hannibal's face a couple of minutes later and the tone of his voice told Murdock and B.A. that it wasn't Maggie.

"Right, thanks for informing us." Hannibal put down the receiver. "Damn, we gotta move and fast."

While already packing up their things, both conscious men asked "Who was that?"