AN: I told myself to keep the chapter short considering I started this fic by averaging 3000 words per chapter, but now I'm up to 8700. I blame it on Rollaro... Really, they better stop haunting my head with their angst. Anyway, I figured you guys wouldn't mind these almost-9000 words so I'll share them with you.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed Chapter 10. That was hard to write (this chapter was even harder; prepare the Kleenex). To the reviewers whose hearts I broke, and whose eyes got all misty - I'm sorry. To the reviewers who think I should be writing for SVU... Well, I don't think my arms are long enough to reach out to hug you, but I would if I could. Also, I think Warren Leight and I could be good friends considering I've dropped a number of his Rollaro-related quips into my story. But wow, thank you for thinking I'm worthy enough to be a writer for this incredible show. But if I had that job, I think NBC would have to quadruple Danny and Kelli's salary because they'd be on screen for pretty much the whole show (kidding... ok, half-kidding). But seriously, y'all are awesome, which is why it pains me to say that we are nearing the end... This is the second to last chapter. So brace yourselves.

Also tiny warning: don't read this aloud to your grandma.

Read, ENJOY (or don't enjoy), and review.

February 22, 2015

They were panting for air like they had just spent those blissful forty-two minutes submerged underwater. Their chests rose and fell; their limbs tangled in a heap along with blankets and fitted sheets that had severed ties with the mattress. Nick tilted his head to the side and kissed her shoulder. The weight of his spinning head forced it back down on the soft pillow, and he heaved a sigh of utter content. Amanda placed her palm over her belly, hoping the soothing warmth would calm her breaths and calm those damn butterflies.

Sunday had become her favorite day of the week. They had this unspoken agreement that, if he weren't already at her apartment on Saturday night, he'd come over in the morning. Sometimes he'd wake her up with kisses, and sometimes she'd wake up to the smell of bacon and pancakes in the air. Sometimes she'd roll out of bed, rub the sleep out of her eyes, and find him on the living room floor playing with Frannie. Then, if they weren't too preoccupied with each other's company, they'd go out and take the dog for a walk, and stop by a café a few blocks down. She'd have coffee and he'd order something fancy called a café con leche – a treat, he would say. She always went for something sweet to pair with her coffee, like a fruit Danish or a chocolate cake if she was feeling extra sinful. Nick always went the savory route with a ham and cheese croissant or a Panini.

Amanda learned that on Sundays, before he came over, Nick would accompany his mom to church. She wasn't particularly religious, but she thought the gesture was kind of sweet. There were plenty of things she discovered about Nick, and each one – even the ones that seemed to trouble him, like the stories about his father – only seemed to intensify her growing feelings for him.

Nick lay on his back and listened to the near-silent opus of breaths between them. He remembered that night in September when he asked her if she'd consider giving this relationship a chance. Amanda had clung to him that night and asked him to wait. He wasn't certain what she meant when she said that, but they both came to this unspoken understanding that she was asking him to wait for her to fall for him. Nick knew, by now, that she did fall for him.

Only, she never said it out loud.

But Nick remained patient with her. That was all he needed to hear so he wouldn't get off this new, exhilarating ride with Amanda. The fact that she was willing to try and willing to give this a real shot; that was all he could ever really ask from her. So, he waited.

He waited until November when he poured out his feelings and finally told her that he loved her. They were in bed, after another night spent together. It wasn't the sex that compelled him to tell her what he had already known for a while; although, it did serve to ease his nerves. Nick just glanced down at her and felt his heart race and those familiar feelings of deep adoration stir inside of him. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was in love with Amanda.

Nick was always the kind of guy who fell hard and fast. He was cautious when it came to matters of love, not because he was terrified of it, but because his feelings could be so intense. These feelings were often misinterpreted, overwhelming, and irrational. His love for Cynthia was never revealed because he was too cautious, too anxious to tell her because of the circumstances of the undercover operation. In a way, he held himself back from telling her and that didn't allow him to reach that level of intensity. For the sake of the job and for the sake of being honest with her, Nick didn't want to reveal his true feelings until he revealed his true self. So he kept it a secret and held his tongue until it was too late.

With Maria, he had learned not to hold back. He had learned to let himself fall into love, grasp onto that intensity, and share it with her. For years, they were happy and passionate. But it was that same intense love that had driven him to jealousy. He loved the woman he had met on that hotel balcony; he loved the woman he had married in that church. But he was too blinded by his own gaze to see that that woman was gone, replaced by someone who was forever changed by war. Instead of being there for her and helping her through her pain, he translated his intense love into jealous rage and distrust. She left him and suddenly that ring - that symbol that became more important to him than the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with - it didn't mean anything anymore. And like it was with Cynthia, he was too late.

Two strikes.

One more, and you're out, he thought bitterly to himself. After Maria left him, he didn't think he could ever have it again. He just didn't think it was possible to feel that love and that intensity after it was stripped out from the cavities of his chest. Yet, in the midst of all the darkness, he found someone just as lost, just as hopeless. Together they found solace in each other. It was only supposed to be that – solace, comfort, convenience – whatever you wanted to call it. It was like a drink of dark liquor after a long, grueling day. Or pressing snooze on the alarm clock. It was only supposed to be temporary, but eventually you'd have to get up, put your clothes on, and start your day.

But it wasn't like that. Not with Amanda. She was that light in the darkness. And even when he told her in words that were not as articulate as he had hoped, she still didn't see it and she still couldn't seem to understand. She was the light that guided him from the storm. She wasn't just a port in a storm he could hold onto to keep from getting swept out at sea; she was the goddamn lighthouse that saved him.

Amanda gave him that fight back. If he didn't have her, he wouldn't have clawed his way back to SVU. Yet, no matter how much he tried to tell her and show her in ways that wouldn't scare her off, she didn't believe him. She didn't believe she mattered. How could she? When she seemed to think she was the storm.

Nick told her he loved her, reminded her constantly, and showed her through his actions. He waited patiently until she opened herself up. It was a slow process, but he had her talking to him and revealing bits about herself, her childhood, Loganville, stories about her years in APD, and how her meetings were coming along. Amanda never revealed too much, and when she was getting to that threshold, he saw her mind turning. She'd crawl back into her shell, flip the mask over to the other side, and she'd come back out of that safe space pretending to be the cool, calm, and collected Amanda.

He was always trying to get her to talk in subtle ways that she seemed to always detect. She wasn't relinquishing any control on the matter. Amanda talked when she wanted to talk; and there was no amount of pleading or psychobabble on his part that could convince her otherwise. He used it as a learning opportunity. Maybe for the first time in his relationships, he could step back and give her the space and time she needed. If he loved her – truly loved her – he could respect that about her.

So he waited. He waited for those morsels of truth that slowly and surely cracked down her walls inch by inch. He listened and gave her comfort, but he never pushed for more. He waited patiently for her to trust him and fall in love with him. And even when all she said after he told her he loved her was a simple 'thank you', he was at least relieved that she hadn't run. She wasn't running.

For a while, that was enough.

She might not have been saying she loved him and she might have still had her walls up, but she cared about him and it showed in the ways she went out of her way to make him happy. Amanda surprised him and bought him tickets to see Jeter's last game at Yankee Stadium. One Sunday, she had snuck into his apartment before dawn and attempted breakfast in bed. It had backfired when she set off his extra-sensitive smoke alarm. She was only making toast and eggs. When Nick, armed with a baseball bat, came out to his kitchen and found her, she made some sassy quip about how him and his smoke alarm weren't that much different. Amanda had done these little things to assure him this relationship was going somewhere and that she was trying. And that made him happy enough to ignore the fact that she still hadn't told him 'I love you'.

Then she started retreating back into that shell, building up her walls, and staring blankly at him with no love or even the slightest hint of care in her eyes. It all started when she was sent down with Fin to Atlanta to investigate the Pattern Seventeen rapist. He was taking a few days off since Gil was off from school, and they took a father-son trip to go camping upstate. He remembered returning to the office a couple of days later and seeing everyone was on edge about the aftermath of the case. It should've been good, right? They caught the rapist who crossed state lines, but 1PP was breathing down Benson's neck about untested rape kits in other states, like it was her responsibility. And then there was Amanda. From the little he could gather out of Fin, it seemed she'd been stuck in this peculiar haze since she ran into her old Deputy Chief.

He made the mistake of asking her about it that night. He woke up the next morning and the space beside him was cold. She was gone.

She was gone for a couple of days. He saw her at work and every time she caught him, she just glared back, like she was offended by his concern. He figured he'd just give Amanda space, because he didn't want to make the same mistake as before and overwhelm her. He was being cautious. But he also needed her to know that he was there if she needed him; that he wasn't going anywhere.

When the Holidays came around, he was busy trying to make sure he showed up for every family commitment that seemed to be pulling him in a million different directions. He made sure he spent time with his Ma, spent Christmas Eve with Gil and Cynthia, and then hopped on a plane to spend Christmas Day dinner with Zara and Maria. He asked Amanda if she wanted to do anything, but she said she already made plans to spend it with the Tutuolas. He agreed, knowing he was already pretty booked himself. So, before he left for California, he left a present under the succulent on her coffee table. She didn't have a tree and the only plant life in her apartment was that slowly, dying succulent.

When he returned to the squad room after the holidays, he saw her wearing his gift - pale blue topaz gems on each of her ear lobes. They weren't diamonds or anything too expensive that would scare her off or break his bank, but he saw the teardrop shaped studs and instantly thought of her eyes. Seeing them sparkle and peek through her blonde hair, he saw how well they complimented her irises. They made awkward, small talk at the coffee station. And it felt like that first night when they made that decision that would forever change things between them.

The day of CopCon, Nick sensed something was wrong. He knew something had happened in Atlanta, which gave her reason to transfer. But she seemed polite and friendly with her old squad in APD, and especially with her old captain. He was mingling with the guys and exchanging work stories when Captain Reynolds invited him and the rest of SVU for drinks. He conveyed the invitation over, but Liv was going home to Noah, Fin wasn't interested, and Amanda looked alarmed by the possibility. She tried to say she needed to walk Frannie, but he knew that was a poor excuse. He had recognized that look in her eyes; it was the same fearful look she gave him that night in September when she didn't want him to leave her.

At Moran's, the APD guys were big on shop talk and ribbing. It reminded him of the boys' club in his early days of Narcotics. He tried to imagine Amanda fitting into this world. She could pretend to be one of the guys, crack jokes, and talk about sports - but he knew she wouldn't put up with some of the sexist things these guys were saying. Granted a lot of it stemmed from internalized misogyny as a result of growing up in the South, but he knew Amanda wouldn't take to it lightly. In fact, some of the things he had said, that he personally didn't think were that bad, had been at the receiving end of some enlightened sassy remark from her. She could lay it out on him and on Carisi when they were being particularly obnoxious, but he couldn't imagine Amanda doing that to an all-male squad room who said things that were, arguably, worse.

He wasn't going to bring it up, but naturally the conversation shifted over to Amanda. It started out harmless, actually, with some of the guys talking about how tough and smart she was, and how they missed having her around. Then some guy named Jones made a quip about missing the 'eye candy'. Then some guy named Garrison wisecracked that his wife had no reason to be jealous anymore. Then they all turned to him - and of all the people on that table – Captain Sam Reynolds asked him if he'd 'sampled the goods' yet.

Nick wasn't going to stay there and start a fight. Not since he was under IAB's microscope and his career was on the line. But he wasn't going to sit there and let them get away with it either. He tried to defend her without ruffling their feathers. "Amanda ain't like that… She's a good detective. Talk about that or don't talk about her at all." They kept their mouths shut about it after that, and moved on to other drunken conversations. He left shortly after, hoping it was still early enough to swing by her apartment, but Amanda wasn't picking up.

So, he waited. He waited until the next day, but then they got a call about a rape at the hotel where APD was staying. Detective Reese Taymor was accusing Deputy Chief Charlie Patton of rape. Nick asked Amanda if Patton was good for this, but she just dismissed him and never really answered his questions. He needed to talk to her, but didn't want to seem too pushy because he knew it'd make her run. But before he could ask her, Dodds had already called Patton in for questioning and Atlanta's Deputy Chief made an outcry that this whole thing was set in motion by Amanda's quest for payback.

"You know what I think?" Chief Patton started on that blustery day in January. "I think Amanda Rollins put her and you all up to this… I mean, there's reasons why she left Atlanta… Well, she got around… You ask her about the time she threw herself at me to save her sister… Offered me things that made my eyes water… Oh, she never did let go of that one."

Nick's mouth was wide open and he stared with wide eyes through the two-way mirror. No, that can't be. He couldn't believe it. No. Amanda exchanged words with Patton last night at CopCon. Sure, things were off but they've been off with her for weeks now – that stoic, blank look. Patton was making all this up. He had to. And he was using Kim's tarnished record to lend credibility to his lies. No way. Amanda would've told him that was the reason why she left Atlanta. She would tell him, right? But no, this is Amanda. She doesn't tell you things, Nick. Even when you spill your heart out and leave it all on the table, she's still holding all her cards close to her chest. She's still standing behind that solid rock wall. You've been waiting all this time, waiting for her love, waiting for her truth. And now, this man… this sick, poor excuse of a man is the one telling you when it should've been her.

He looked at her face and saw that impassiveness shatter bit by bit like paint peeling off the walls. The quiver on her lip all but confirmed the earth-shattering possibility that Patton might be telling the truth. But when it was over, Nick still held onto hope that Patton was lying and deflecting because he was guilty. "No one's gonna buy a word he says." Nick said, refusing to believe it. Because it couldn't have happened to her; he would have never let it happen to her. He wished he could go back in time and protect her from being backed into a corner and forced to make that kind of choice. "Actually, back home, pretty much everyone does." She said simply. And the puzzle pieces started to appear on the board. Nick still didn't know the whole picture, and he still didn't have all the pieces, but he knew that whatever it was that happened – no one believed her.

Nick tried to look for her in all their spots, but it had been Fin who found her nursing a drink in Long Island. Figures, he thought to himself. They'd never been to Long Island together. She knew what she was doing picking a spot she knew he'd never find her. Still, Nick couldn't dwell on his feelings, when he had bigger things to worry about. Once Fin found her, he was grateful to get a text saying she was alive, a little drunk, but now seated safely at the passenger side of Fin's car. After he dropped her off, Nick came over that night. She said she didn't want to talk about it yet. That last word gave him hope that she would talk about it eventually, so he respected her decision and just laid in bed with her, and held her. She didn't cry that night. She just laid awake in silence. Nick tried to stay up with her, and he had managed for three hours before he drifted off to sleep. When he woke up at four in the morning, she was gone.

As the trial started, Nick realized that talking about Atlanta wasn't going to happen while the trial was going on. He wasn't always the most patient man and he had a tendency to be paranoid, but he learned from past mistakes and chose to deal with things in her time, at her own pace. He wasn't backing off; he was still there for her. Amanda knew that. He reminded her everyday whether they were together or when she wanted space and a quiet night. He was just content knowing she hadn't completely shut him out of her life.

Then she was called to testify. She went over her statement with Barba one night at the courthouse. She came home late, and he was at her apartment because he promised to walk and feed Frannie. He ended up staying on her couch watching The Daily Show. Part of him was just too exhausted to drive home, and the other wanted to know how it went with Barba. That night, she came home and dropped her keys by the door. She shrugged her coat off and left it on the doorstep in a pile along with her boots, scarf, and gloves. Amanda crawled into Nick's arms and started watching Jon Stewart talk about ridiculous politicians in Congress. She was only two minutes into arriving home when she broke into sobs. It was the first time he'd seen her cry like that. He held her all night, thinking about her and what she must've said when she was going over her testimony.

But then, she never made it to the stand. And he never knew what caused her breakdown.

Since then, he had tried to be respectful of her wishes not to talk about it. She said she was letting it go. But Nick did not let go. He wouldn't say it, wouldn't show it, but deep in the recesses of his mind, he couldn't stop it from ticking; he couldn't stop from wondering what really happened. So he stewed over it for two months and watched as Amanda returned from Costa Rica like a renewed person. She was still dealing with it quietly, but she wasn't dwelling on it and letting it take precedence over the present. She wasn't letting it distract her from the cases. She was strong and resilient and he admired that about her. But he didn't like not knowing. He didn't like feeling useless, or feeling used as a distraction - either way it unsettled him.

So lost in their thoughts, they just laid on her bed in a comfortable silence. Nick rolled to his side and observed Amanda. Her mouth was barely twisted into a frown and her brows knitted in a troubled expression. Still, despite the obvious thoughts troubling her, it was still hard to read her. She had her guard up, and she made herself even more impenetrable when she rolled to her side and spooned against him. He didn't mind having her this close, but he knew she only did it so he'd stop staring at her. Nick decided it would be better to leave the more penetrating questions for another day... When she was ready... Whenever that would be.

"Hey, you up for late dinner tomorrow at the Mexican place?"

"Rain check." She said sleepily. "I've got a meeting."

He raised a brow. "On a Monday night?"

"You keeping tabs on me now?" She chuckled softly. She was teasing him but there was a hint of an edge to her voice that he hadn't heard in a while. He could feel his insides flip, and he had a bad sense that he might actually have good reason to keep tabs on her. But that was the old Nick - the one who had trust issues. He had to let this go.

"No, just wondering if you've changed your schedule." He replied casually.

"It's nothing..." Amanda trailed off, pressing her body and forging it against his contours. She took Nick's arm and guided it to her front, pushing his hand towards her center. Nick's fingers felt the heat and her slick flesh, as she pushed and wedged him between her legs. She moaned as he parted her lips and inserted a finger into her heated core. Her breathing got ragged as his thumb circled around her most sensitive pearl. She whispered breathlessly. "Make me come."

He slid lower on the bed and slipped his fingers from her entrance. Then slowly, from behind, he entered her. She gasped as her inner walls adjusted to his entrance. He held her there for a few seconds, just working on getting her close with his thumb and index finger, so they could ride this down together. Then he started driving in frenzied thrusts, slick bodies sliding up against one another. Nick buried his face in her hair and inhaled the heady fragrance of her shampoo mixed with her natural scent. The breaths were short between them, but the strokes were long and powerful. He sent her to climax and he joined her not long after, wrapping his arms tight around her body as he emptied inside her. Nick didn't release his hold until he could feel his head stop spinning. He wanted to feel her presence there, memorize that moment, because deep in his gut – in that never-fail intuition of his – he had a sense that a change was about to come.

March 2, 2015

Nick and Amanda stood behind the two-way mirror and watched as Fin and Carisi questioned Tom Fischer. They had just returned from Lena Rodriguez' apartment with some new information to add to the case. They had the what, where, when, and who. All they needed was the why. The two detectives were in there with him trying to get Tom's reason for raping Lena. Why did he vacillate from strange cyber stalker to earnest, sensitive friend? It didn't make a whole lot of sense, and Tom's lies was just stacking up like a house of cards.

"So you read her online journal, and you stalked her other social media accounts, and then you made yourself out to be this Mr. Darcy." Carisi said. "What gives?"

Tom was hunched down and he darted his eyes left and right. "I had a crush on her. I told you that. But none of what I did is a crime."

"Except for the rape," Fin countered. "And we got your DNA and Lena's pressing charges, so you better give it up, man, and tell us why you raped her."

"Lena's pressing charges?" Tom asked, frozen and staring back with wide eyes. He stared at his fists held together by metal cuffs and then looked back up to meet Fin's eyes. "I think I'm gonna need that lawyer now."

Fin raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you gonna lawyer up? I don't think you heard about the part where we have your DNA all over her rape kit; we've also got video and witnesseses proving you were in that alley."

He spread his fingers over the table and sighed. "I know... I did it. I raped her." He confessed, tears stinging his eyes. Then his head shot up and looked coldly at the two detectives. "I'll admit to it, but I'll take that plea. I want a shorter sentence."

"That's not up to us," Carisi started. "But the judge will probably let you off with a lighter sentence if you cooperate, so keep talking."

He hesitated but eventually came out with it. "I love Lena... When I saw her picture, it was just some stupid crush and then when I met her it grew into this obsession. I got caught up in so many lies that I didn't know who I was anymore. Like, I didn't know if I was pretending or I was really turning into this guy who liked the same things she did... I guess, in a way, I kinda grew to like the books and the music and the deep conversations. I liked being sensitive…"

Nick thought back to his undercover days, feeling like he could relate somewhat to what Tom was saying. He remembered how all those years being undercover had made him question whether certain actions and thoughts were just him pretending, or if they stemmed from who he'd become. Tom wasn't assigned to go undercover and investigate Lena's life, but in a way he imposed himself into that situation, got so buried deep in lies, that it became impossible to get out.

"But she didn't like me like that. I know... Because she went for guys like her ex-boyfriend. Guys who treated her like dirt, then all they had to do was flash a smile and buy them a cheap bouquet of flowers and all was forgiven... She wrote about wishing for a guy who was thoughtful and sensitive and caring, but she still stuck with him... She was gonna kill herself 'cause of him."

"She'd already been through so much... She'd been through worse before, and I told her she could survive this break-up and I finally got through to her... But she still didn't want me."

"You said she's been through worse before?" Carisi interrupted.

"Yeah... When she was assaulted our freshman year."

"So you knew about that?" Carisi asked.

"I read her livejournal... Put two and two together and figured it out. She didn't say anything but I knew she was depressed. I tried to help her... Tried to talk to her to keep her from cutting... That night her ex broke up with her, that wasn't the first time I'd seen her with a blade."

"What you tell her?" Fin asked.

"I told Lena that whatever it was that happened to her, it wasn't her fault. It was the fault of the person who hurt her... I said if she's strong enough to stand up after it happened, then the hardest part was already over... If she's got the strength to wake up after the worst day, then she just needs to push through and wake up each day like its a new shot at life... She can't let the one who hurt her win. She's strong. Lena's strong... She'll get through it."

Nick and Amanda exchanged looks. This was almost exactly what Hannah told them Lena had said to comfort her after she was assaulted. Those reassuring words that Tom had used, were the same words used when it was Hannah. How ironic.

So Tom had saved Lena from committing suicide twice. He was there to comfort her. And maybe initially he lied to Lena to get into her good graces and become her friend, but he proved, in a way, that he was a friend by sticking by her. So what was his motive for rape? It didn't make any sense.

"So you think she'll just get through it after you raped her?"

He held his face in his hands and started crying. "That… That was a mistake. I wasn't thinking clearly. All I wanted… I just wanted to say hello, tell her I missed her."

"So you stalked her? You followed her?" Fin was having none of it with this guy.

"I didn't mean to… It's just, it's been so long since I've last seen her and when I saw her that morning coming out of her apartment, I had these feelings," he smiled through the tears. "She's so beautiful, so heavenly… I've had these urges to feel her skin, smell her hair, tell her how much I love her, but I kept it all under control. For years I kept it under control, but today I just… I lost it. I was so curious… The curiosity got the best of me and I gave into the urges."

"Why didn't you just ask her if she wanted to be with you? You were her friend?" Carisi tilted his head and pressed his lips together.

"And listen to her reject me?" Tom said, heartache penetrating through his voice. His eyes grew dark as he lowered his head. "I can't… No, I won't let that happen to me. I'd rather know what heaven feels like and have her hate me, than never experience heaven at all."

February 23, 2015

Nick woke up the next day feeling absolutely spent but alive. He smiled when he felt her lips peppering kisses on the crook of his neck and down his chest. She was still snuggled up against him, giggling at how his legs wrapped instinctively around her like he didn't want to disassemble this labyrinth of limbs. "Mmm... I don't mind Monday mornings when I get to wake up to this."

She smiled as she pressed one last kiss on his sternum. "Yeah, but we still gotta get up, and Monday mornings are still a bitch whether or not you get laid the night before." She rolled over and Nick tried to capture her with his arms, but she'd been awake longer so her reflexes were much sharper. Nick sighed and rested his head back down on the pillow. He bit his lip as he watched her naked form slip into the bathroom for a shower.

He heard her squeal five seconds in, and then she poked her head out and pointed to the side of her neck where there was a light purple hickey. "Thanks a lot. Now I have to layer on the concealer and wear my hair down the rest of the week."

"Mmm... I like it when your hair's au naturale." He teased, feeling a sense of satisfaction. It was kind of chauvinistic to think of it like he had marked her, but he still couldn't help feeling a swell of manly pride when he saw what he'd done to her neck.

He wanted to join her in the shower, maybe leave some more marks in places that were less conspicuous, but she was up extra early and he was dog-tired from last night's activities. He squinted at the alarm clock and saw that he could spare another twenty minutes of shut-eye. He heard the sound of water from the bathroom and just as he closed his eyes, he heard the buzz of a phone. He blindly reached over the nightstand and grabbed his iPhone and looked at the screen. There was a message.

"We still good for dinner tonight" - Sam Reynolds.

Nick furrowed his brows then looked behind the message to see the wallpaper. Wait, this wasn't his phone. He looked over at the opposite nightstand and saw his iPhone on the side where Amanda had woken up. They must've switched places last night. He stared at the screen again and wondered what this message was about, why her old captain was messaging her, and why she lied to him about a GA meeting when she had plans to have dinner with some other man.

Not just some other man, he thought to himself. This was Amanda's former captain who stood by Patton's side during the trial. This was the man who taunted him and asked if he'd already 'sampled the goods' when they were talking about Amanda. His mind was racing and he could feel the irritation fester to the surface. His skin was growing hot and his eyes were turning shades darker. He set the phone back down and got out of bed. He picked up his clothes off the floor, got dressed, and went out to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. He tried to calm himself, tried to assure himself that there was an explanation to all this. That Amanda wouldn't just go and meet with her former captain who, from his perspective, didn't believe her or Reese Taymor. A former captain who talked about her like she was an object. For God's sake, he really hoped his gut was wrong about this.

He watched as the dark liquid percolated into the pot, steam rising to the surface. He heard the sound of the shower shut off. Frannie sidled up to him and he rubbed her ears. She licked the back of his hand and moved towards her bowl; he got the idea. Nick filled up her bowl and watched her eat her food. Amanda peered her head out of the room, with a towel wrapped around her hair and a silk robe around her body.

"You made coffee?" She produced a mega-watt smile, that on any other morning would have sent him into a dizzy tailspin of childlike infatuation. "Well, aren't you just the sweetest."

He smiled weakly, trying to suppress the bitterness rising up his throat. She retreated back into the bedroom as Nick filled up a mug for her. He went back inside and found that she had slipped into a matching set of bra and panties. She was digging into her closet for a blouse when Nick handed her the cup of joe.

"So," he started, his voice tentative. "What time do you think you'll finish your meeting tonight? You think I should come over? Maybe walk Frannie... Weather's turnin' up."

She casually pulled a white blouse from the rack and slipped it on. She worked on the buttons as she answered him nonchalantly. "I might run a little late. No need to come over."

"Hmmm..." He looked at her over the rim of his coffee cup. She moved on over to her dresser to pull out a pair of pants. "You sure? I could bring us some Mexican take-out. Have some burritos and churros waiting for you when you get home."

She stopped digging through her clothes and turned to him with a teasing grin. "Last night wasn't enough for you?"

But his face was serious. Amanda narrowed her eyes slightly and tried to study him. He usually would've backed off by now and gotten the hint, but he wasn't yielding this time.

"Nick, what's this about?"

He set the mug down on her dresser and looked her in the eye. "You're not going to a GA meeting tonight, are you?" He gave her a chance to come clean. He waited to see if she would take it and prove that she could be honest with him.

She looked at him with a confused expression on her face. A face full of denial. "Yeah, I am... Why are you acting so weird?" She mocked defensively.

"Then why did Sam Reynolds ask you if dinner was still on tonight?"

Her face fell and she knew right then she was caught in her lie. But as fast as she came down, she started building those defenses back up, and started turning it around on Nick. "How... How'd you know about that?"

"Does it matter?" He said incredulously. That wasn't the point. "I saw the message on your phone."

"You looked through my messages?" She yelled at him, walking over the nightstand to see her phone and the last message displayed on her screen. Goddamnit, Sam. She held the phone in one hand and pointed a finger at him. "You have no right -"

"It was an accident. I thought it was my phone, but I saw the message…. And that's not my point." He shook his head in frustration. "Why are you having dinner with him? Why are you lying to me?"

"If you think I'm cheating on you, don't worry about it. It's not like that with Captain Reynolds."

Nick ran his hands through his hair and sighed deeply. "No, I don't think you're cheating." It's strange how it never even crossed his mind that she could be seeing someone else. With Maria, it was almost the first thing he thought of when she was acting shady. Yet, here with Amanda, it was like he was so secure in what they had that he didn't think it was like that between her and Sam. Nonetheless, she had lied to him. She was keeping something from him. "But I don't know why you'd want to see him."

Amanda sighed. "Sam said he'd be in town and he wanted to talk, said he needed to apologize for what he said to me -" she paused and changed her mind about what she was about to say. "He wanted to start over."

Nick shook his head. "And you believed him?"

Amanda merely shrugged.

"Wait, what did he say to you? When did he talk to you?"

"What is this? An interrogation?" She scoffed and walked around him, out of her bedroom to the living room. Nick followed her out and saw her pacing across the room.

"What did he say?"

Amanda held her head in her hands and covered her ears. "Stop yelling."

"I'm not yellin'!" He said much louder this time.

She narrowed her eyes. "Just leave it, Nick."

"I'm not letting you see him unless you tell me what it is exactly he's apologizing for. You're not going to dinner, getting swayed by his fake apologies, and letting him walk all over your life. I'm not letting you do that to yourself, Amanda."

"You can't make me do anything." She bit back spitefully.

"Look," his volume lowered and his expression more somber. "I know we didn't get the whole story about what happened down in Atlanta… Something that Patton didn't bring up in that interrogation room… You tried to tell us that it was just an exchange - a favor for Kim's innocence, but I always had a feeling you were hiding something deeper, more painful... Then you came home from rehearsing your testimony with Barba, and you came home and you broke down." He shook his head and blew out his cheeks. "I know... Amanda, I know there's more to it."

"There isn't." She was lying through her teeth. Her eyes flashed in anger and in a second, she was fortifying those walls, ready to take a shot at him if she needed.

"I get that you want to be strong and you want to put it behind you, but I'm here to help you -"

"What?" She sneered. Amanda placed her hands on her hips and stared him down. "You think you can save me? I'm not some broken wing girlfriend that needs a hero. I'm not that kind of girl."

"I know," he chewed on his lip. "But it still doesn't change the fact that Patton took advantage of his position and... god knows what else he did… And you act like it doesn't affect you but it does. I see it everyday in your eyes and you think you can just distract yourself with work... With sex... But it's still there when the cases are done. It's still there those minutes right before you're drifting off to sleep... So let me in, Amanda. Because if you won't protect yourself from getting hurt again, I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna protect you myself if I have to."

Amanda broke their eye contact and shrugged one shoulder before she turned around and faced the window. "What makes you think there's more to it anyway? It was just that one time... And he didn't take advantage of me. I consented!" She yelled and turned around to stare daggers into his dark eyes. "Or is that too hard a pill to swallow, Nick? Is it too hard to accept that I would whore myself out to save my sister?"

He stepped forward to reach out for her but she elbowed him away. "I know there's more. I saw that look in Barba's eyes when your name came up in conversation. It's the same look he gets when were dealing with a… rape victim."

"Whoa…" Her eyes grew wide and her breathing stopped. "Barba?" She asked. Her fortresses building up into impassable towers he couldn't even begin to imagine he could conquer. But there was a falter to her voice like there was a crack in the stone, and small rumble in the earth was all it took to shake it down. "You... You talked to Barba... About me?"

"No... Well..." Nick tried to explain. "It was after my dad's trial. We had a drink and talked about our fathers, then we just started talking about the squad... About Liv and Noah… and then you..."

Amanda was drawing in deep breaths, trying to keep herself from running. She really wanted to use her legs and take her far away from what was going on, but she needed to know what Nick knew. "Barba talked?" She was pacing around the room and he could see her defenses crumbling. Amanda felt threatened because Nick knew. Oh god, Nick knew what she had gone through and now he was never going to look at her the same. He was going to look at her with those pitying eyes, and if he even wanted to touch her, he was only going to do so softly and tenderly. He was going to try everything in his power to save her. Well, she didn't need saving. She didn't need him. She never needed a man, and she wasn't going to start today just because Barba couldn't keep his mouth shut and decided to tell Nick every dirty sordid detail of her rape.

"No," Nick replied. "He just asked how you were doing, but I saw that dark look like he was holding onto something… a secret you two shared. I didn't press him on because I knew it isn't his place to tell -"

So, he didn't know?

"I don't owe it to you to tell you."

"You're right." He sighed. "You don't owe me anything… But you can trust me, Amanda. I'm here for you. Don't you get that?" He said exasperatedly.

"I don't need you here." She was pushing him away. "You can leave whenever you want."

"I can't leave you."

"Then, I'm leaving. And you're letting this go." She walked past him but he seized her arm with a tight grip, and looked her in the eye.

"I'm not letting this go, Amanda... I love you."

She tightly closed her eyes, to keep herself from spilling those emotions she worked so hard to bottle. Amanda shoved him hard on the chest. Nick fell back a step but still held onto her arm. She pushed him again and he finally let go.

"You don't love me." She snapped, getting in his face and watching his jaw tense. She was pushing all his buttons and he could feel that desperation turn into rage really fast.

"I love you. Why is that so hard for you to accept? Why is it so hard for you to admit you feel the same way?"

She pushed him again and this time he held onto her wrists. "I don't love you."

The words stung him right in his heart but he could see the tears in her eyes and the way the words pained to leave her lips. He had to hold onto that small ounce of hope that she didn't really mean it, that she was just out to hurt him. But why? Because she felt threatened because he had some idea that worse things happened to her in Atlanta? Because she felt threatened that Barba had revealed whatever secret it was that she was keeping? Why did she feel so threatened?

"Stop this, Amanda. Stop trying to push me away."

"Just leave, Nick! You're going to leave anyway, might as well do it now."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She pushed him with her body and he lost his balance and fell on his back. Amanda quickly got up and stared in horror as Nick's face turned a deep shade of red. She had hurt him - more than the verbal digs or the jabs to his shoulder. This one was going to leave a nasty bruise. He pulled himself up off the floor and got right into her face. "Stop. Pushing."

She swallowed hard. "I'm done."

His heart broke in that moment but he was too infuriated to feel the pain. He held her eyes but they stared blankly back at him as if the last year they spent together meant absolutely nothing to her. Her eyes were cold as ice, reinforcing that this whole thing was one-sided all along. She never loved him, never really cared about him. He took the risk and fell for her. He agreed to wait for her, but waiting hadn't given him anything. He only set himself up to be beaten, to be broken by another woman. And somehow, in the abbreviated roller coaster ride that it was, it hurt more than any other heartbreak.

His temper was back and it came in full swing. "You're bluffing."

She shook her head. "I'm serious, Amaro. I can't do this anymore."

He exhaled deeply and turned around. He grabbed his shoes and slipped on his coat. He kept telling himself, repeating over and over, that he didn't care anymore but that was a lie. Just like the lies she told him so she could keep her walls up. He cast one look back at her and she stared at him with that blank, icy expression on her face. She was done. And so was he.

Before the neurons could fire and tell him to think and consider his actions, he sent his fist flying through her wall. God, it felt good. The pain in his hand numbed the pain in his heart, and for a second he didn't feel like such a fool. He saw that gaping wall through the plaster, the paint cracking off, white dust in the air. His head turned slowly to hear Frannie whimper behind him. Then he saw that look in Amanda's eyes. That pulsating, trembling fear... He had seen that fear in his mother for fifteen years until the day his Papi walked out on their family. And he knew... Whatever lies she told to keep her secrets locked, it didn't matter anymore.

You'd think this made them even, but it didn't. They weren't even.

He had revealed his dark side.

And this?

This was unforgivable.