Chapter 11 – Adapting

"Darwin would have liked it here, I think," I said quietly, leaning my temple against the huge bay window that flooded my room with sunlight. The windowsill was just wide enough for me to sit on, and I found that it was very relaxing looking out over the immense gardens belonging to the Xavier estate, despite the gigantic satellite dish sitting awkwardly amongst the trees.

"He didn't deserve to die," Raven replied from my bed.

One of the worst things about grieving, I was starting to learn, was watching even the bubbliest of people becoming subdued and losing their light. Feeling a piece of yourself die with the person you lost is bad enough, but seeing those same pieces dying in other people was almost unbearable. I desperately wanted to revive them, to hear Raven's laughter again and to see Sean's playfulness light up his whole face the way it used to; but this wasn't something to be rushed, and we needed to give it time and care so that we'd understand, truly, what and who we were up against.

"Angel left us for Shaw," Raven continued, "And he still tried to save her, he still believed that she could be saved."

I nodded solemnly. "He saw the good in everyone. I admire that."

"Even though it's what got him killed?"

I sighed, turning my head to look at her. "He was strong. He didn't let the world get to him."

She held my gaze for a moment, before dropping it to play with a lock of her hair. I heard her intake of breath, the way people do before they say something, but no words came out, and I watched as her brows pulled inward to frown. I said nothing, letting her work through her thoughts and decide what she'd say or if she'd speak at all. It was strange, seeing her like this, seeing her hesitate – usually the words were spilling out faster than she could catch them, but now she was withdrawn and reluctant, and I hated it. We would get over our grief, we would be able to move on, but we would be changed forever.

"Evelyn, did you see, when I changed into Sean back at the facility, did you see what was there?" she asked tentatively.

I frowned at her, replaying the moment over in my mind to try and figure out what she was referring to. I had an idea, but I wasn't 100% on it, until she looked up at me and turned into Charles. "The blue," I said, trailing off when she looked away again and returned to her normal self.

She nodded. "Do you know why there's blue?"

"No," I said softly, sensing the increase in her nervous, anxious demeanour and wondering if I was about to learn where it all stemmed from.

She took a shaky breath. "This," she started, gesturing at her face and body, "person, this isn't how I really look." She hesitated again, and I stayed as still as I could, not wanting to do anything to make her change her mind. She looked up at me, fear and pain written clearly on her face. "Can I show you how I really look?"

My heart was breaking for her and I didn't even have a proper grasp of the situation. "Of course you can, Raven." A few seconds went by where I just tried to convey as much comfort through my expression as I could while I could see her battling with herself inside.

And then the wave of blue washed over her as she transformed again, but this time it didn't go away. Where her clothes left her skin bare, I could see that it was completely blue, with strange patterns swirling over it. Her hair had changed to short, slicked-back red, and her eyes were an unorthodox yellow, almost animalistic-like. She looked like something out of a sci-fi movie, and I could completely understand now why she had such strong insecurities. But she was absolutely magnificent and I was in awe of her.

I could see it in her face that she was waiting for a reaction, and every second that passed where I stayed silent was making her more and more afraid. Twisting my body, I slipped my legs off the windowsill and stood up. She watched my every movement with such intensity that I could only think to do one thing. Taking her hands in mine, I lifted her from the bed and pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her back and letting my chin rest on her shoulder. I hadn't initiated a hug since I was young and naïve enough to think that I could illicit some emotion out of my parents by doing so.

For a moment I think she was in shock, before she hesitantly hugged me back, her fingers curling around my thick jumper. "You hugged me," she muttered shakily, laughing.

I smiled, looking at the blue skin of her neck and her short red hair. "Thank you for showing me the real you, Raven." Giving her one last squeeze, I pulled away to look at her face. Her eyes were watering but they were mesmerising, and I smiled again. "You are completely beautiful."

She laughed again and looked away, wiping at her eyes. "You really think so?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I do," I told her seriously, looking her up and down. "You actually look quite badass, if I'm honest. I'm a little jealous."

She gently slapped my shoulder, grinning brightly as I laughed with her. Sitting back down on the edge of my bed she wiped again at her eyes, calming down. I couldn't imagine the adrenaline that must have been pumping, waiting to see what I'd say. "You're a really good friend, Eve," she said.

My eyebrow quirked, looking down at her. "Eve?" I repeated.

She smiled, seemingly a little bashful. "Evelyn takes too long to say," she shrugged. "Besides, that's what friends do – they give each other nicknames." I continued to stare at her, thinking it over. "Come on, Evelyn sounds like an old lady's name anyway," she laughed.

My eyebrows shot up to my hairline, laughing in disbelief. "You cheeky bitch," I joked, kicking at her foot.

Suddenly there was a knock at my door and Raven was all too fast in changing back into the long-haired blonde that I first met. Knowing it would take much more to make her feel more comfortable in her true skin, I called on whoever the visitor was to come in.

"Hey, Charles wanted you to know that lunch is ready, if you want some," Hank said, sticking his head around the doorframe.

I could hear the underlying sadness in his voice and the discomfort in his face, and wondered how long it would take for us to be able to laugh again and not feel guilty. "Yeah, okay, we'll be down soon," I nodded, feeling the happiness seep out of my body. With a tight smile, he closed the door again and disappeared. I sighed, running a hand over my face.

"Sorry," Raven muttered, once again downcast. "I don't see the beauty that you do."

"I understand," I told her, reaching a hand out to rest on her shoulder. Taking a deep breath, I made a decision. "You know, you're not the only one feeling uncomfortable in her skin."

She looked up at me, confused. "What do you mean?"

I sat down next to her on the bed, looking at my hands in my lap while I played with my fingers. "I'm still very uncomfortable showing skin," I began. "In the asylum, they give you these gowns to wear, like patients in a hospital, but they're so thin." I swallowed and shook my head, listening to Raven's silence like she had listened to mine only minutes before. "You can see pretty much everything, and they do nothing to provide comfort or warmth. They just make you feel vulnerable so that the guards and the doctors can feel powerful." I closed my eyes for a moment, frowning at the memories that surfaced. "The doctors were creepy, and they were assholes, but they got their kicks out of enforcing their idea of 'therapy'. The guards, on the other hand, some of them felt that ordering us to and from places wasn't enough. Seeing us in those gowns wasn't enough. Some of them needed to touch." I heard and felt Raven shift before her hand reached out to take a hold of mine, trying her best to comfort me. "When my skin was exposed in the asylum it generally meant that one of the guards wanted to see me without the gown on. I know nothing like that would happen here and now, but I guess it's just that those kinds of memories are hard to get rid of."

We sat in silence for a while, Raven coming to understand the exact kind of experience I had in that evil place, while I contemplated how opening up to her felt. I almost regretted it, to be honest, but I knew that if Darwin had seen it, he would have been happy for me, and proud of me, and that's how I knew it was the right thing to do.

"You're so strong," she murmured eventually. "Stronger than any of us realise, I think – except Erik, maybe." I chuckled softly at that. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Eve. You'll never have to go through anything like that again. I hope you aren't sworn off men or anything now, there are good people out there."

I smiled bitterly, looking up at her. "I realised that it depended on the individual whether they were cruel or not, and not their gender, when some of the female guards decided to join."

"Oh my god," she said, her face screaming repulsion and anger.

"Yeah, it was a shitshow."

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People had mostly been keeping to themselves since we had arrived. We'd all gone to bed early the night before since we'd already missed out on one night's sleep after Shaw's attack, and most of us slept through breakfast time this morning. This was the first we'd all been together since the tour, and conversation wasn't exactly bubbling.

The kitchen was huge and well-equipped, with a wide array of foodstuffs thanks to the housekeepers who were kept on to look after the estate. Charles and McTaggart had worked together to make a big fry-up for us all, and the room smelled absolutely delicious. It was wonderful to have real, homemade food instead of the usual packaged shit I'd spent years eating. Everyone had a place at the chunky wood of the dinner table, and we ate in relative silence for the most part. I supposed it was half because we were all grieving still, and half because we were starving and the food was a damn blessing to our taste buds. Glancing across the table at Sean, I could see that he was in pure bliss, taking as much food onto his plate as was physically possible.

"Erik, Moira and I have been speaking," Charles said, putting his cutlery down and clasping his hands together. "We agreed that today can be used to continue to familiarise yourselves with the house and to sort out your minds – we're all still grieving for Darwin and that's not something you can rush. However, we are also conscious of how much time we have before Shaw makes his next move, and I have some promises that I haven't yet delivered on." He looked around at us all, smiling gently. "We think it's best if training begins tomorrow morning." After we nodded our agreements, willing to distract ourselves, he continued, "Excellent. I think it's best if we have individual sessions where we can experiment and test the extents of your powers without any distractions, so the gym room is available to anyone with free time, or of course the grounds can be used as well."

"Sean, you'll have to cut back on your food before you get fat and lazy," Raven smirked, drawing chuckles from around the table.

"I honestly think it's impossible for him to get fat," I grinned, shaking my head. "I mean, he hasn't put on a single pound since we met him and you've seen how much he's eaten."

"What can I say?" Sean said, stuffing half a sausage in his mouth, "I am a unique little butterfly."

It felt good to laugh with everyone again. I was confident that we would get through this together.