A/N: My first Placebo song fic that I've subbmitted, but I'm written a lot more. This is an obvious repsonse to what happened last week and I wanted to get it out before next week.

Summary: I'm unclean/A libertine/And everytime you vent your spleen/I seem to lose my power of speech/You're slipping slowly from my reach

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, especially Chuck and Blair. Lyrics belong to "Without You I'm Nothing" by Placebo. Awesome band who have the best Chair songs.

...

Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.
I'll take it by your side.

It wasn't a lightning strike. It wasn't everything that the myths love at first sight lead you to believe. Because as far as Chuck Bass knew, his infatuation with Blair Waldorf was anything but. Unless of course that he had been in love with her before he even able to commit the act psychically. But he highly doubted it.

It was a gradual feeling. It was subtle that he didn't even realize it until he had to remember how much he cared for his best friend. And betrayal, especially that of wanting to violate his best friend's girl, was definitely not fruitful seed for a healthy friendship. No matter how much those fantasies seemed to be racking his brain when he was alone... in the dark.

Serena had split a month ago. And now he sat on the beach at the Hamptons, the moonlight spilling over the sand, watching the tide rise and fall slowly. He liked it here after dark. He could be with himself without worries about everyone else.

And he felt her take a seat beside him. He knew this was wrong. It was dark on a beach and Chuck didn't really know anything about romanticism but he was sure having sex on a beach was something that fantasies were made of. They named a drink after it.

But he was sure Blair didn't want to lose her virginity on one. And Nate wouldn't be the one to do it anyway.

"I feel... odd," Blair said so quietly, Chuck almost couldn't hear it over the crash of the waves.

"Odd," he smirked, turning towards her. Her dark hair, only slightly highlighted by the summer sun, was tousled lightly in the breeze.

He wondered what her sex hair would look like.

"Any chance I can capitalize on that?"

"Gross," Blair said, rolling her eyes.

But she laughed. And it was the first time he could remember her doing so since the Flight of the Serena.

He waited but she didn't say anything else. She was one of the only people he couldn't read. And he always needed to know what she was thinking.

"So what does this oddity contribute to?" Chuck asked after a moment.

"Do you feel strange?" Blair asked instead.

"Strange, how?" he asked. And then he felt her eyes on him and for a split second, he forgot completely who Nate Archibald was.

"I wish I had a choice," Blair said.

"What would you choose instead of this?" Chuck asked, not liking how he was the only one who reaped the rewards of their society.

"The right to choose who I fall in love with."

And he looked at her, knowing he could interpret the sentence in two ways.

Both ways were very dangerous.

Either she loved Nate and she didn't want to.

Or she loved someone else. And he knew if that was the truth, the both of them would be in trouble.

And he still couldn't move away from her.

Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.
I'll take it by your side.

It was a repeated mantra. It was the only thing that would keep him sane.

She loves Nate.

She loves Nate.

She loves Nate, damnit.

Because even if he made a move, he doubted she would fall victim to it like freshman skanks who had no self respect. And he would never demean Blair like that. He wouldn't be able to bear it.

So he didn't.

He didn't feel for her.

He didn't fantasize about her.

He didn't imagine the very real things he wished he could teach her and do to her. And have her do to him. They were so similar, he couldn't help but think about it. He couldn't help but wonder what fire too people so much the same could have.

Because if her manipulations were any indication, she was a wildcat. And that was exactly what he had to think of to forget her. Scheming was the only thing he could think of to focus on instead of what he was sure he could guess lay under her conservative blouses and pencil skirts.

"What are you staring at?"

Damnit, he was looking at her tights again. They weren't nearly opaque enough to cover what was really under there.

His eyes snapped up to her amused eyes and something irked him.

He hated this.

He hated this feeling of vulnerability and wonderment of what she was really thinking. Like some lovesick school girl. It made him sick.

And for one horrifying moment, he thought maybe she wouldn't mind it. She wouldn't mind him coming onto her like he wanted-- like he needed. She wouldn't mind the dirty and sinful things he wished he could whisper to her. She wouldn't mind the way he treated her. Like something precious. Because it was the fear he had. It was the danger with Blair Waldorf. She trapped you. And Chuck Bass just couldn't be trapped by a woman.

The problem was, he sort of wanted to be.

The moment ended in a snap and he sneered at her in the way he always did. The way that made them comfortable with the familiar territory.

"You can't blame me for those tights not leaving anything to the imagination," he said with practiced ease.

He liked making her laugh.

And he was sure that it wasn't unintentional that her skirt reached up an inch higher than was proper.

"I can blame you for being a scheming perv," Blair retorted.

"But to my recollection, that's why you've enlisted my help," he reminded her.

"Serena's dead," Blair said sharply.

"As you wish," Chuck said, taking his place by her side.

Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.
I'll take it by your side.

It wasn't the first time. And yet, it was. It wasn't the first time that he shared a look with Blair and knew that social destruction was imminent. But it was the first time it mattered. Because no longer was Nate oblivious and raving about the power of an ice-water bong.

Serena had returned and he was more apt than ever. So Chuck had to still watch Blair making herself sick, knowing he could do something about it. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Because even though she didn't deserve it, there was a saying. A saying that Serena obviously didn't heed to. The variation of bros before hoes and chicks before dicks didn't really matter because facts were facts. And the fact was Chuck had values and he couldn't cheat with Blair. No matter how much he wanted it. And in any case, he knew the minute that Blair broke up with Nate, he was going to hit that.

Because lying to himself about how he only wanted to sleep with her and nothing else was the only way he could still call himself a friend to Nate.

So he lied.

He lied to Nate when he asked if something was wrong with Blair. He lied when Nate asked him if what he did with Serena was wrong. And he lied everyday when he asked where Blair was. Because even though Nate was so distant, Blair hanging out with the best friend was a disaster waiting to happen.

"Hey, man," Nate said. "Where were you last night?"

With Blair.

"Being entertained by The Palace's finest."

Who includes Blair.

"I should have guessed."

Blair was there.

"I don't know why you even have to ask anymore."

Blair wasn't with you.

"And to think you would be anything but consistent."

She was with me.

Because the truth was, Blair hadn't even gone home the night before. And rumors like that destroyed friendships. He should know. He caused most of them.

"Can I ask you something?" Nate asked and Chuck knew something wasn't right.

"Sure," Chuck said easily. But his heart came to an abrupt stop.

"You hang out a lot with Blair, right?" Chuck asked.

Because it wasn't like Nate knew.

"Yeah."

"I just keep thinking about what happened between me and Serena and..." Nate suggested.

"Am I tapping that?" Chuck sneered, only wished he had a reason to be lying.

"Dude," Nate said laughing, but shook his head. "Gross."

And rage filled his chest. Even if he was having an affair with his best friend's girl, he wondered if Nate would even care.

So he just lied some more.

"You don't have to worry about it," Chuck said. "I don't go for the straitlaced and uptight bitches anyway."

Unfortunately, it was the feisty bitches that he actually went for. And Nate didn't know that was exactly what he had.

So walking into Blair's room that night, he wondered what this guilt was. Because it wasn't like he was really cheating with her.

And he walked right in on her.

Blair crossed her arms over the lingerie that she wore to bed, eying him carefully.

"I wasn't expecting you tonight," she said after a moment, very aware of his eyes all over her.

"Well it seems you were expecting company," Chuck said smoothly.

"What do you want, Chuck?" Blair asked. Chuck walked passed her and sat easily on her bed. She surveyed him with sharp eyes but sat next to him. He reached behind her to lean closer to her. He watched her stiffen but she didn't move away.

"Tell me what this is," Chuck persuaded.

"What?" Blair asked stiffly, feigning ignorance.

"You're lying to your boyfriend about us being together," Chuck said. "It means something."

Being together.

She didn't even protest at the suggestive words.

"You're lying to him too," Blair reminded him.

"Tell me why," Chuck said.

"Because we're friends."

The truth hurt. But the obvious lie made his heart clench.

Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide.
I'll take it by your side.

It was fitting. Just as slow as they had been sinking into each other, they tore at each other with lightning speed. One minute she was just a newly single girl, his only female friend laughing with him. He was buzzing with apprehension because something had started with them. And it wasn't going to stop.

It happened so fast he didn't realize it before her virginity was bleeding and throbbing before him. And he took it with all the strength he had.

He wanted this to be over. He wanted this nauseous feeling in his gut to stop. He didn't wanted the insecure vulnerable high school boy she resorted him to. And he wished he didn't care for someone as much as he cared for himself.

Because he knew it was only a matter of time before it all exploded in his face. Because something so glorious and perfect was never supposed to belong to him.

It was the first time she allowed herself to fall asleep in his bed did he realize he loved her. He wasn't exactly sure when it happened, or if it had been there all along. And he wasn't even sure what the feeling in his chest was really what was right for him.

He wasn't right for her. He was dark and she was beautiful. But it was in this darkness that he saw in her that made him realize she was it for him. So when her eyes finally fluttered open, he acted blasé and she rolled her eyes, pretending that it didn't hurt when he didn't care that she left him.

"What are you doing?"

It was moments like these where he would find himself in compromising situations like this. But she looked so delectable in that plaid skirt that he had to shove her up against her own bedroom wall. Not heeding to her question, he let his hands venture further up her bare legs. She squirmed for a moment before stopping his hands.

"What is this to you?"

It was exactly the sort of question he wished she wouldn't ask since the previous night.

"You asked why I lied to Nate before," Blair said. "You know the answer. Don't you?"

"I just need to be with you," Chuck said, burying his face in her neck. He felt her shudder beneath him with satisfaction. Her hard eyes cut into him and he felt pain. Pain at what was happening to them because he could already see their destruction happening. He could see his jealousy and her insecurities.

He let their muscles clench and sweat drip from their pores because even though he could feel the pain coming, he could never leave her side.

Tick tock
Tick tock
Tick tock
Tick tick
Tick tick
Tick tock
I'm unclean
A libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.

Seconds.

Minutes.

Hours.

Days.

Weeks.

...Months...???

He couldn't remember. Time blended together now and he couldn't remember the last time he heard her laugh, scheme, or even cry. Even if she was driven from him and an aura of pain and tears right after her palm made contact with the side of his face.

It had been weeks since Serena had tried to coax him out of his drunken stupor to even try and speak to her. It had been weeks since Nate found the truth with disgust.

Without them, he just sunk deeper and deeper into nothingness. Because she was right. When she put her hands on him and whispered in his ear, she was right. She was his only family. And she had taken that away.

He had nothing left. So half naked girls would flounce through his rooms behind closed doors and people would look down on his depravity, but what else was he supposed to do? How could he survive without her?

In the simple sound of a door closing, he was sure there were just more sluts and call girls to be hanging off of him.

He didn't see that it would be her.

He didn't think that it would be her Blahniks across his floor and her eyes penetrating his but there she was. And the one spark of hope that he never should have had flared through him.

And he knew it could only end in his own heartache. Because he knew. He heard the stories how she went from boy to boy and there were the times where he would attempt to break that up. But all he could handle was swimming in his own pool of alcohol.

She had turned cold with malice. So much that her knew mantle had been The Ice Queen when she transferred to Columbia. Something she hadn't been called since her days at Constance.

"I don't want to be here," she announced coolly.

Chuck just stared at her, taking a swig of scotch. He knew what made her uncomfortable and she deserved as much after everything.

"Serena said you were dying up here," Blair said bluntly.

"And what were you going to do?" Chuck slurred.

She watched him coolly before he noticed something break. Her eyes softened as she walked towards him.

"What are you trying to do, Bass?" Blair asked. He felt a familiar fluttering within him at the name she would only call him out of affection.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked.

"Why don't you try making it clearer?" she replied.

He didn't mean for it happen. She just looked so beautiful and he hadn't seen her in so long.

Surprisingly, she didn't backhand him again after he kissed her. He pulled away, gaging her reaction. She blinked slowly before she surprised him.

She always surprised him.

She pulled him towards her by the collar of his robe that was his clothing of choice. And he felt her like he hadn't in so long.

His breath was so ragged it was caught in his throat.

With those women, he didn't feel anything. He didn't feel the fire in his heart like he did when he was with her.

She was looking at him. She was looking at him like she was studying him and he knew he was being tested.

"Say something," she demanded after he realized he had been staring at her for five minutes without a word.

But he didn't.

He just couldn't.

So he looked as she pulled his sheet to her chest as though she had been violated.

"Goodbye, Chuck."

They were the two words that never ceased to break his heart. He lay frozen as she dressed and he knew it. He just knew it. He wished he could force himself to say something but looking at her again was rendering him speechless.

With the final look she gave him, he just knew it.

She was slipping away from him.

You grow me like an evergreen,
You've never seen the lonely me at all
I...
Take the plan and spin it sideways.

He sat in the darkness. Her scent still permeated his sheets as he bathed in her auara. But she wasn't coming back. He wondered what made her weak enough to even come back to him, but he knew that it didn't even matter. None of it did.

She was gone and it didn't matter. Because she didn't know. Not really. He heard her words.

"All I did was love you."

But he was in silence. He was in hatred of himself that he had done this to them. All he could do was try to make find comfort in lying to himself.

"You went up there on your own."

But breaking her heart was the worst thing he had ever done.

She had never seen him like this. She just didn't know. She didn't know how he felt about her. She would look at him sometimes and he knew what she thought. She thought he didn't love her as much as she loved him.

And it was impossible. Because no one had loved anyone the way he loved her. He knew this was true because half of his life had been wiped away. He couldn't remember the life he had before her. It was the only way he classified his life.

Before Blair.

After Blair.

But it was different now. Because he couldn't even remember that time anymore. His life started when she first pressed her lips against his and now that she was gone, it had ended just as quickly.

This wasn't the way things were supposed to be. He was sinking. He was falling. He was failing. They were supposed to be together. She ruined them. He could have fixed it. He could have fixed them.

"We have to see this to the end."

Those were the words stuck in the back of his throat as she spun put of his life again. But he couldn't get it out. He couldn't talk to her when he was whirling with her sudden appearance for the first time.

In his mind, the end was really the end. He would only let them diminish when his own body failed with entropy. Only in his own death would he let them break apart.

And he knocked back a shot and maybe didn't care that it was happening right now if she would never take him back.

I...
Fall.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.

She found him again. This wasn't supposed to happen. For either of them.

He was filled with even more self loathing as he looked at himself in the mirror and could tell exactly the reason why she wouldn't come back to him. And it just so happened that she would happen to come back on the one day he was sober.

"I didn't think you'd be here."

"I live here," Chuck said.

"Yeah, well," Blair said, "I heard you were tearing up the town with heroine chic models."

"For awhile," Chuck said, without being able to stop himself. "But not for long."

"And in any case," she replied as she pushed passed him to the bedroom they used to share. "I thought you wouldn't be exactly coherent."

"Change of pace," Chuck replied, surveying her. "And why are you here?"

"To get my clothes."

His heart cracked.

"I left some things last time I was here."

"Of course."

He watched her flinch at the bitterness in his voice and it gave him some relief from her own cold demeanor. She hesitated in front of the drawer, her hand hesitating on the handle.

"Problem?" Chuck asked with equal coldness, though inwardly he felt hope swell within him. She turned around quickly.

"You know I really thought you wouldn't know I was here."

"Afraid I might try to screw you again?" he sneered.

In more ways than one.

"Worried," she clarified instead.

"Worried," he repeated. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're supposed to be out getting syphilis or something."

"Please, Blair," Chuck rolled his eyes. "You know I'm more careful than that."

"Well you had the practice," Blair snapped.

And then he said it.

"Jealous?"

He watched her digest. "Don't you dare."

He looked away, feeling it happen again. He just couldn't help provoking her. He just needed to be close to her again.

"You don't get it, do you?" he snapped. She rolled her eyes, finally pulling the drawer open.

"Where are my clothes?" she asked, looking at the empty contents. "Lending them out to your whores again?"

"They're in the closet," Chuck said. "In the back because it tore me apart to even look at them, knowing that you would never love me again. Look around. Look at how I've living. Drinking, boozing. Demeaning, myself with women that don't even compare to you. Can't you see? I'm nothing without you. You've torn us apart when I know I could have made us alright. It had to have been alright in the end. This isn't the way things are supposed to be. We're not supposed to be apart."

It took him a moment before he could interpret that she was crying. Real tears. Tears like that night after she left him for good. Tears that had dried up when she tried to forget him in all those boys. The way he tried to screw her out of his system as well.

They were the same. And he wondered how she could be jealous. She was jealous because he was jealous. But he wondered why he couldn't see that.

"Do you even know what it took me to make myself come here, when I knew you would probably be having your way with the sticks of New York?"

"Does it matter?" Chuck asked.

"Yes, it matters," she said. "Because I actually thought you didn't care about us. And then I see you're sober and actually care what I think of you. I thought we were done."

"Without you, I don't know how else to be," Chuck said. "We can't all be as composed as you."

"You think that's what this is?" Blair asked. "I have to because nothing is like what we were. I never truly lived until you. And you're a fool to think I'm anything without you either."

He decided her clothes weren't going anywhere either.

Take the plan, spin it sideways.
Without you, I'm nothing at all.