A/N: The song included in this chapter is from the Disney movie, The Fox and the Hound, it seemed appropriate for how Shepard is feeling. I also wanted to say thanks to everyone whom has viewed and/or reviewed this story, makes a girl feel good. :)
'Have to get to Ash,' thought Elissa as she ran out of the elevator, her assault rifle drawn, Garrus to her left and Wrex on her right. They had made it to the bridge that would take them to the AA tower when a Geth ship appeared in the sky.
"Damn, the Geth are sending in reinforcements," said Wrex as Elissa silently cursed.
"LT, we've spotted a troop ship headed to your location!" shouted Ashley into the common channel of their ear piece communications.
"It's already here," said Kaidan, "and it's bleeding Geth all over the bomb site!"
"Can you hold them off?" asked Elissa, feeling dread creeping into her spine, sending a sharp chill down her back.
"There's too many!" shouted Kaidan, "I don't think we can hold them! I'm activating the nuke!"
"Talk to me, Lieutenant!" shouted Elissa, desperate for a solution.
"I'm making sure this bomb goes off no matter what," replied Kaidan, calmly. "It's done Commander. Go get the Chief and get the hell out of here."
"Belay that," said Ashley, "We can handle ourselves, Skipper. Go back and get Alenko!"
Elissa stood there, her head spinning, heart hurting, she knew she had to choose and she knew she was leaving a friend to die, "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."
"But, Commander—" started Kaidan.
"You know it's the right choice, LT," said Ashley, sounding strong as Elissa felt her heart breaking.
"Ash, I'm so sorry," said Elissa, she could feel the lump in her throat as she spoke.
"I know, Skipper," said Ashley, "It's been an honor."
She watched as a large explosion covered the area she knew Ashley was still fighting in, as she and the rest of the crew flew away, leaving the Chief to her fate.
Elissa sprang up from the mattress awake breathing heavily, her body covered in a cold sweat, she could feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins still as if she had just been there on Virmire.
"Ash," said Elissa quietly, pulling her knees to her chest, tears blurring her vision, "I'm so sorry." She had laid down on her bed just to take a nap, she was so tired, and then their suicide mission on Virmire started to play in her head.
"Commander," said EDI, "Commander Shepard, are you alright?"
"I don't know," replied Elissa quietly, "EDI, could you send Joker up to my cabin?"
"Of course, Commander," said EDI, "currently he is eating dinner in the mess so I will go there myself and tell him."
"Thanks, EDI," said Elissa.
"You are welcome, Commander," said EDI and she heard the blip that meant EDI had logged her out.
"I think I need a shower," said Elissa to no one in particular. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, the adrenaline had made her legs feel weak so she had to sit back down for a few seconds before attempting to stand again.
Joker was sitting with Garrus and James in the mess, Rupert had served each human a large bowl of the chili he had made earlier with enough crackers to absorb anything they drank, and he fixed Garrus a special Turian steak. Tali, Hannah, and Liara were conversing quietly a few seats down from them, Jacob was on the com link talking to Brynn back in Vancouver, Kasumi was flitting all over giving her input when she wanted.
"Hey, Joker!" shouted Rupert from the kitchen, "Has the Commander been down to eat yet? I was thinking I might've missed her."
"I don't think so," said Joker, looking around the mess, craning his neck to look down the CIC when he saw EDI walking towards him.
"Mr. Moreau," said EDI, when she reached him, "the Commander has requested your presence in her cabin. I suggest that you get there quickly, her bio readings suggest that she is under some kind of distress."
Joker nearly jumped from the table, "What were her readings?"
"Accelerated heart rate, adrenaline levels were at a high that correlates with those she demonstrates during battle, and her REM sleep was far more active than is normal for a typical human," reported EDI.
"Thanks, EDI," said Joker and he headed to elevator.
"Joker," said Garrus, "Do you want anyone to go with you?"
"Not necessary," replied Joker as he summoned the elevator.
When he got in, he pressed the button that would take him directly to the landing outside of her cabin, he prayed that he was not too late and that she was alright.
Elissa emerged from the shower and got dressed, she was still thinking about Ash and the entire Virmire mission, when Joker came through the door looking extremely worried.
"Ellie," said Joker as he walked in, "EDI said you wanted to see me, what's up?"
Elissa motioned for him to sit on the couch and she sat down beside him, holding her head in her hands, she thought she wanted to talk to him but now that he was here she was not so sure, "It's nothing, just something crazy."
"Elissa," said Joker, seeing the signs that she was shutting down, "you know you can tell me, you've told me nearly everything in the past, why is this any different?"
"Because this is the stuff I've kept from everyone," sighed Elissa, playing with a piece of her wet hair, she watched as the water droplets escaped from the ends, trying not to look at Joker whom she could tell was looking at her with a steady unyielding gaze.
"Ellie, would you just tell me for Christ's sake?" asked Joker, taking her free hand and holding it.
"Alright," said Elissa quietly, taking a shaky deep breath before she started, "I've been dreaming a lot lately about past missions, the latest dream I've had is about Ash and leaving her to die on Virmire. I keep thinking 'What if?' What if I had left sooner, what if I had decided not to go there in the first place, what if I had told her to abandon the Salarians and run? What if—" Her voice hitched and she could not finish speaking without tears falling and she refused to cry in front of Joker.
"You had picked her over Kaidan," finished Joker and Elissa nodded, "If you had done that, you'd be sitting here even more miserable thinking about the life you could've had with Kaidan. Ellie, you said it yourself, the choice wasn't easy and you'll always question yourself."
"It's not just Ash," said Elissa suddenly jumping from the couch to her feet, she started to pace, "I feel like I've failed everyone who ever trusted me, look at all of the people I've lost, how they died. Why couldn't Cerberus have brought any of them back to life? Why did it have to be me? If I had stayed dead then everyone would be alive." She could not hold back the tears any longer, she let them spill, silently cursing herself that she was and slowly brought herself to the floor, leaning against the foot of her bed.
Joker watched as her facade crumbled, his heart aching as he watched her cry, he stood up and joined her on the floor not sure what to do other than hold her so he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She responded by putting her arms around his neck and crying into his shoulder, her body wracked with sobs, he felt a type of perverse pleasure that although she was sad she was willingly in his arms. He let her cry, he figured this had been the first time she had truly grieved for her lost friends instead of hiding her pain behind the mask of being the impenetrable Commander Shepard.
"Why did they have to die, Jeff?" asked Elissa slightly muffled against his shoulder, "Why did I get to live when they all died? I just want to see them again." She began to weep again, and he was at a loss, there was one thing he thought might work it was a song his mom had sang to him when his grandfather died and he was convinced it was the end, and he started to sing,
"Goodbye may seem forever,
Farewell is like the end,
But in my heart's a memory
And there you'll always be."
Elissa stopped crying and listened to the words of the song, not the least bit surprised that Joker could sing, she found comfort in the words and was glad that he had thought to sing to her. She sat up reluctantly and wiped away the stray tears, then she looked at him, "Thank you for listening to my ramblings, I know I must sound pathetic."
"No, you don't," said Joker sharper than what he planned, "you sound human, which is exactly what you are, and nothing will change that. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me what you've been going through."
"You're one of the few that's been with me from the start," said Elissa, putting her hand on his cheek, "and one of the few that have grieved just as deeply as I have, you care a lot more than you let on, and I'm glad."
He placed his hand on the one of hers on his cheek and leaned into her palm, kissing it softly, relishing in the feel of her skin against his, "Ellie, just let me know when you feel like this, okay? You shouldn't be alone all of the time, especially when you're this upset."
"I'll let you know, Joker," said Elissa smiling, "thanks for being there for me."
"Anytime, Ellie," said Joker and he smiled back at her. 'Damn, I really want to kiss her.'
"Shepard," said Hackett's voice over the intercom, "you better get your ass down to the debriefing room right now, find Joker too, he needs to hear this."
"Sounds bad," said Elissa as she started to stand up, reaching out to Joker to help him up off of the floor.
"Hackett makes everything sound bad," said Joker trying to make light of the situation but he was worried, this was really unlike Hackett to barge onto the ship and start making orders.
"Lets go," said Elissa and Joker nodded, following her out of the cabin and to the elevator, when they got in she pressed the button noticing that her fingers were shaking slightly.
"Hey, it's going to be alright," said Joker, putting his hand on her shoulder and she slid hers on top of his and smiled.
"Thanks, Jeff," said Elissa and the elevator door opened. They quickly exited the elevator and went right to the debriefing room where they were greeted with Hackett's snarling face.
"They didn't drop the charges," said Hackett through gritted teeth, tossing Elissa a data pad, "you're still being tried for treason, among other things."
"I don't understand," said Elissa as she read the charges, "the generals voted against the charges, they were dropped."
"Apparently not," said Hackett, he leaned over the table, his head hung down, "they're hanging you out to dry, Shepard."
"Why?" asked Elissa as she handed Joker the data pad that had his charges listed as well, "This doesn't make any sense."
"I don't know, Shepard," said Hackett, standing back up, "I was forwarded this from an associate of the Shadow Broker."
"Son of a bitch!" shouted Joker, "They're charging us with mutiny as well! From three fucking years ago!"
"What?!" exclaimed Elissa, swiping back the data pad and scanning for the charge, "Shit, he's right! They've dug up every charge imaginable, except fraternization, oddly enough."
"Seriously?" scoffed Joker, "The one thing the Major is guilty of just as much as you are and. . ."
Hackett, Elissa, and Joker all looked at each other, each having a different reaction: Hackett leaned back onto the table, Joker groaned loudly, and Elissa closed her eyes as her face contorted with rage.
"How much do you want to bet he's cut a deal?" asked Hackett, rubbing his eyes.
"Every credit I have," sneered Joker, crossing his arms.
"Call in the rest of the crew, including my mother, EDI," said Elissa, seething with rage, "They need to hear this as well."
"Yes, Commander," said EDI and within five minutes the rest of the crew had filed in.
"What's going on, Shepard?" asked Garrus as he took a seat.
"Kaidan's sold us out," sighed Elissa and the rest of the crew voiced their anger loudly.
"Quiet!" shouted Hackett over the clamor, "We don't know that for sure but we have a pretty good idea that he did." His omni-tool pinged and he opened the message, then sighed, "Now we know for sure."
"What does the message say?" asked Hannah.
"It's another forward from the Shadow Broker's associate I'm in contact with," said Hackett, "It's an email from Major Alenko to the Turian councilor, talking about a cryptic message Shepard received yesterday about Cerberus and that she is having PTSD induced nightmares that hinder her ability to function as a commander."
Elissa felt fear grip her heart, this was bad and they all knew it, "What the hell is he playing at? Why is he betraying us?"
"I don't know, Shepard," sighed Hackett, "but I think we have to prepare for a guilty verdict and more than likely, incarceration."
"Do you think we'll be discharged?" asked Elissa, indicating herself and Joker, Hackett looked at them wearily.
"I really don't know," said Hackett, "You'll definitely be stripped of your Spectre rank, but the discharge more than likely won't go through only if I can interfere with the paperwork process. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact all of this has been done without my knowledge."
"Do you think they'll try to take the Normandy?" asked Joker, his voice strong despite the fear in his eyes.
"Yes, that seems likely," said Hackett grimly.
Elissa felt a plan forming in her head, but she needed to only disclose it with particular members of the crew, "EDI, I need you to recall everyone from shore leave, they are to report back to the Normandy by zero-eight hundred at the latest."
"You have a plan, don't you, Lisa?" asked Liara.
"Yeah, but it's going to require a lot of cooperation from the crew," said Elissa, sternly, "Steve, I need you and James to make sure the shuttle is in no need of any immediate repairs, then you two need to make an inventory of everything we have on the ship: guns, supplies, oxygen, food, the works. Tali, I need you and Adams to check the core, run any tests necessary but it is to remain functional even for an extended period of time.
"Liara, get as much intel you can on the trial, I know you have your sources. Joker, you and EDI need to run every test imaginable on the Normandy, I need to know she can maintain being stationary for a while and if not, let me know immediately. Jacob, you and Garrus need to upgrade anything and everything that is necessary, I want exact calibrations nothing is to be half-assed. Kasumi, get in contact with local merchants whom are friendly to us, let them know you might be popping in over the next few weeks to make some purchases but they need to be kept on the down low. We have a lot to do and not much time to do it, lets move!"
No one argued as they filed out of the debriefing room, Joker looked back briefly to see Elissa being spoken to by Hackett and her mother, but he did not stay to hear instead he left to go to the cockpit to get started with those tests, this was going to be a long night.
"Diagnostics look normal," sighed Joker as he stretched in his chair, he and EDI had been running tests for a solid four hours and it was very late at night.
"They'll be able to be maintained with minimal effort," said EDI as she recorded the readings, "Shepard will be pleased, it seems she wants everyone to be able to take care of the ship even if you and she are not present."
"I think you're right, EDI," yawned Joker as he reclined in his leather chair, "What has Shepard been up to?"
"She has been helping various crew members since she and Hackett stopped communicating," said EDI, hardly glancing up from her consoles.
"Hackett left hours ago," said Joker now curious, "I wonder why she hasn't been up here to help us?"
"Her confidence in your abilities is probably great enough that she sees no need to hover over your shoulder," replied EDI pressing a few buttons, "Running checks on the FTL capabilities."
"Thanks, EDI," said Joker, he closed his eyes, feeling sleep embracing him.
"Joker," said Elissa, her voice emitting through the intercom of the cockpit, "Joker!"
Joker snapped awake, looking around wildly for what or who that had called his name.
"Joker!" Elissa shouted, sounding angry.
"Yes, Commander?" asked Joker hurriedly, pressing the button on his console.
"I need you and EDI to report to my quarters, now," said Elissa, then her voice cut out.
"Come on, EDI, Shepard wants to see us," sighed Joker as he stood up as easily as he could, "we better go see what she wants."
"Agreed," said EDI and she stood from the co-pilot's seat and together they made their way down the quiet CIC and then to the elevator.
"Why's it so quiet?" asked Joker as the elevator lurched up.
"I believe everyone is asleep," replied EDI, checking her omni-tool to confirm her theory, "Shepard appears to be the only one awake besides you, Mr. Moreau."
Joker sighed, his legs were aching and he desperately wanted to sleep but he knew he had to speak with Elissa and then continue running tests until he could not think of anymore to run, he was glad when the elevator doors opened and he exited the elevator as quickly as possible. When he and EDI entered Elissa's room she was leaning over her desk, reading another data pad, it looked as if she had been reading quite a few of them in the last few hours on account of the fact they were scattered all over the room.
"Have a seat," said Elissa, hardly glancing up from her reading, "I'll be with you two in a moment."
Joker looked at EDI who shrugged and they both took a seat on the couch, waiting patiently as Elissa continued to read what Joker could only assume were reports on what she had requested earlier. He glanced at EDI whom was sitting poker straight and he started to gently pat his hands against his thighs to the beat of a song he was thinking of, looking around the room while he waited for Elissa to address him and EDI.
"Sorry to keep you two waiting," said Elissa as she walked over from her desk to the couch, standing in front of them, "I've been reading over the reports and what we're being charged with, and based on what I've read, we're more than likely going to lose the Normandy."
Joker swallowed hard, the thought of losing his ship was painful, "Please, tell me you have a way around that."
Elissa nodded, "EDI, when Joker and I leave the Normandy for our trial, you are to initiate lockdown mode as quietly as possible. No one is going to have the authority to disengage the lockdown mode except Joker and myself. Is that understood, EDI?"
"Yes, Shepard," said EDI, nodding slightly, "How are we going to allow the access of food and other supplies?"
"Kasumi has that covered," replied Elissa, "I didn't ask for details, but I trust her to do the job without compromising the safety of my ship."
"How exactly is locking everyone into the ship going to keep the Alliance from taking her back?" asked Joker, slightly annoyed.
"It'll keep everyone I want in, in and everyone I don't want in, out," said Elissa, running her fingers through her hair.
"I like that idea," yawned Joker, taking off his cap for a second to scratch his head before putting it back on.
"I originally thought that we'd just have everyone leave the Citadel," said Elissa wearily, she could feel sleep creeping up on her, "but then I figured either the crew'd be denied access to leave or if they managed to get out they would be unable to get back in."
"Your plan is sound, Shepard," said EDI, standing, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and record the FTL capability findings."
EDI then left the cabin, Elissa and Joker watching her go before they turned back to face each other, neither one of them feeling their best.
"You look like you did after you killed that Reaper on foot," said Joker, quietly, concern evident in his voice.
"You look like you did after the Collectors took the crew the second time," sighed Elissa, leaning against the wall behind her, "I'm just trying not to think about the trial or the fact that my ex-fiance has sold us out to the Council and Alliance."
"You think he was planning this for a while?" asked Joker, joining her against the wall.
"Maybe, maybe not," said Elissa, "I'm trying not to focus too much on that, right now, I'm worried about losing my ship, my command, and my pilot."
Joker blinked a couple of times, hoping he had heard her right, "You're worried about losing me?"
Elissa gave him a tired smile and shrugged, "I can't help it, Joker, you've been my rock for almost four years and that kind of bond isn't easily broken or forgotten. I worried about you while I was fighting Saren and you were fighting Sovereign, when we went through the Omega four relay, as I destroyed the Reapers."
"Damn, Ellie," said Joker quietly, looking down at his feet, "you really worried that much during battles? I'm flattered."
"Why do you think I don't have fingernails or decent skin around my nail beds?" chuckled Elissa, showing off her poorly manicured hands.
"When would you manage to damage your fingers like that?" asked Joker, grinning at her.
"Shuttle rides, Mako rides, cab rides," said Elissa, "I'd take off my gloves and just pick and bite my fingers like crazy before landing, just thinking about what could happen to you and the Normandy, but mostly about you."
She smiled at him and he at her, she could feel that familiar thick air around them, heavy with words unspoken and actions not yet done, 'I could stay here all day,' thought Elissa as she looked into his eyes, that now appeared to be green in the light.
Then Joker yawned, long and loudly, turning away while covering his mouth to spare her the unpleasant sight of his gaping mouth.
"Tired?" asked Elissa smiling smugly.
"That's always a possibility," said Joker, wiping his eyes, "you wouldn't mind if I just showed myself out, would you?"
Elissa's smile faded, she was slightly disappointed that he was going to leave but she knew he needed sleep and so did she, "Yeah, it's okay, Joker."
Joker could see the disappointment flicker across her face briefly, "Ellie, if you can't sleep or have another nightmare, just come find me. Promise me you will."
"I promise," said Elissa smiling wearily, "now, off to bed, soldier, that's a direct order."
Joker stood at attention and gave her a salute with a wink, "Aye, aye, ma'am." Then he left the cabin, throwing her his winning smile before the door closed.
Elissa changed out of her uniform and into her sweats, then she laid down in her bed trying to think about something pleasant and not about her impending trial or her traitorous ex-fiance.
"This is going to be a very long night," sighed Elissa as she fought her conscious mind to sleep, eventually winning the battle, though how peaceful it would be she could not be sure.