Chapter 11
Shinji and I worked out together for another half an hour, until we were both tired and sweaty. As we walked out of the gym, I looked over at him and clapped a hand around his shoulders, and said:
"You know something, Shinji, you're all right. Spend a few more hours per week in the gym and you'll really start putting on some muscle to match that powerful jaw you've got going on."
"Right," Shinji laughed, "Well, I don't think I'll ever be as built as you are, Andrew, but I would sort of like to put on a few more pounds of muscle. I'm tired of always being the skinny one of the group. You know…Toji was always a jock and a muscle-head, too."
So, he's finally ready to talk about it, I thought, Good. Let's nudge him along.
"I heard about the battle," I said seriously, "about the Angel and all that. What happened? If he was your friend like you say he was, why did you kill him?"
"I didn't want to!" Shinji exclaimed, suddenly very emotional and angry, "My father took over my Eva and used it to rip him to pieces!"
"What?!" I asked. This wasn't at all the answer I was expecting.
"When the Thirteenth Angel attacked, it took out Asuka and Ayanami first," Shinji said, breathing very fast and looking off into space, "I was left alone to fight this thing that used to be an Eva. I was going to destroy the thing when I saw that the entry plug was still in the back. Toji was still trapped inside that raging machine. I refused to fight him. The Angel started to strangle me. Even though I was afraid of dying, I still didn't want to fight my friend. I felt my connections to Unit-01 go dead, even though the power was still on. My father switched control of Unit-01 over to the Dummy Plug system and ordered it to attack. It did; without any mercy or emotion. It ripped Toji's Eva to pieces, eventually ripping out the entry plug and crushing it in its hand! Toji died because of large internal traumas…and he died because I was too afraid to fight."
"You can't possibly believe that?" I said, slightly outraged at not only the Commander's actions, but Shinji's guilt, as well.
"What other explanation is there, Andrew?" Shinji demanded, "If I hadn't been such a coward and actually fought for myself, I might have been able to find a way to defeat the Angel and save Toji, too! Instead, I left him to the mercy of my father, who has no mercy!"
"Who told you that it was your fault?" I asked, "Was it your father?"
"No," Shinji replied quietly, "It was Mr. Kaji. He was a good mentor to me. He helped me to understand why I fight, although I still don't really think I understand. He was almost like an older brother and a father figure; more of a father than my real father, anyway."
"Shinji, it wasn't your fault," I said firmly, "Toji died as soon as the Angel took over his Eva. Even if your Eva hadn't killed him, he probably would have died anyway. A friend of mine at the American branch of NERV once told me that if a pilot's mind or Evangelion becomes corrupted by an Angel's influence, the pilot and his Eva are both eliminated. Even if you had found some way of rescuing Toji, NERV probably would have had him executed. I'm sorry."
"He still didn't deserve to die by the hands of his best friend!" Shinji cried.
"You have no blood on your hands," I stated calmly, "Toji's blood, like the blood of so many others, stains the hands of but one man: Gendo Ikari."
"Yeah," Shinji replied, starting to calm down, "I…I guess you're right, Andrew. Now that I think about it, I feel more and more like my father should be punished for what he's done!"
"Have no fear, young Ikari, his time will come," I answered. At least, I thought it was me answering him. The voice sounded distant and foreign to me, though; as though someone else were speaking through my mouth using my voice. While that voice spoke, I could hear a whispering in my ears, as though from behind me or at a great distance.
Who are you? I asked, trying to touch minds with this new voice.
There was no answer. Instead, I saw Shinji quirk a questioning eyebrow at me and heard him say:
"Ohhh…kayyy…Um, Andrew, you sorta sounded like a different person right there."
"Did I?" I asked, trying to sound innocent, "Sorry about that. I was just so concentrated on how much I think your dad needs to be brought to justice that I got a little intense. Hope I didn't scare you too badly."
"Nah, it's all good," Shinji replied, "Hey, uh, listen: You and Ayanami have fun tonight, all right? Where are you gonna go?"
"We don't know yet," I answered, "I figured we'd just kind of walk around the city and see what strikes us."
"That's the best kind of walk," Shinji remarked, "You know, just wandering around and seeing the sights."
I nodded. Back home in the States, it had always been a hobby of mine to go for long, aimless hikes in the woods, just to see what I could find back there. I looked at the clock, it read "1200".
"Hey, uh, listen Shinji," I said, "I'm gonna go and grab a bite to eat, and then I'm gonna head for home. Just, uh, think about what I said about Asuka, okay? And don't worry; things will work out for the best, one way or the other."
"Sure," Shinji replied, "See you later, Andrew."
After a quick and rather tasteless lunch at the commissary, I took the train back up to the city. Normally, I would have just jogged back to my apartment, but today, I decided to do something different. Not only was I just too tired to run, I was actually interested in seeing a little bit of the city and being able to stop and look instead of having to keep running the whole time.
For the most part, it was just a standard city view. Much of the street-front venues were taken up by shops and restaurants. Here and there I would spot an apartment high-rise or office building. Eventually, of course, I wound up at the apartment complex that I shared with Misato and the others. When I let myself into my apartment, I headed straight for the bathroom. I felt so sticky and crappy that I wasn't sure how I managed to make it home without showering first. I stood in the shower, just listening to the sound of the water pouring over me.
Soothing, I thought serenely, Everything around me is so jumbled and chaotic. I feel as though I'm going mad. I heard a different voice speaking through me today when I talked with Shinji. It sounded like me, but it wasn't me all at the same time.
It was us, I heard a voice in my mind say.
"What?" I whispered aloud, "Who said that?"
We did, the voice said, again using a plural pronoun, We are the combination of Your humanity and Arael's Angelic essence. We are a new being, You and I.
Oh, great, I thought, Now I'm hearing voices. Piloting Eva has finally driven me looney.
You are not mad, the voice assured me, You are merely taking steps into a grander plan. Embrace what You are, and You will have the power to bring justice against all those who commit atrocities against our Creator. We are His strong right hand.
Do we have a name? I asked. Despite how obscure all of this sounded, I somehow knew that it was all true.
Our true name cannot be pronounced by a human's tongue, the voice in my head said, You would never be able to comprehend its beauty until You are truly in touch with Your Divinity. In time, You will know your name and purpose. Your time on this Earth has dawned, Avenger. There is such pain in the Mortal Realm that Your spirit has been awakened. Our Creator has a need for You now.
A need for me? I asked, not comprehending, There must be some mistake. I can't be a protector. I'm just a pilot who was gifted with empathic abilities.
You are far more than that, Avenger, the voice said, You chose to absorb Arael through a mental attack. Doing this awakened Your dormant potential, young one.
"That's enough!" I shouted into my empty apartment, "I don't want to hear anymore! I'm not an Angel! I just want to live a normal life!"
The voice in my mind fell silent after my outburst. Suddenly, I feared for my sanity. I had just had a conversation with a voice inside my head.
"I'm not crazy," I hissed over the trickle of the shower, "I'm not crazy. I'm just tired, and under a lot of stress, that's all."
You are lying to Yourself.
"Shut up!" I roared. Suddenly, several tiles of the shower wall shattered and exploded. One of the larger fragments flew towards my face, bound for my eyes. Without my even thinking about it, my AT Field deployed, deflecting the dangerous shrapnel and saving my vision. I shut off the shower and looked down at the mess on my shower floor.
"Did…I do this?" I wondered quietly, "Have I developed some new power other than my telepathy? What's happening to me?"
Suddenly, I felt my back bursting with pain. Two spots, near my shoulder blades, felt like they were on fire. The temperature in the shower seemed to rise to near-unbearable levels. I stumbled out into the main room of my apartment, hugging my ribs as the pain grew.
My back seemed to split open as the fire spilled out of my skin. I glanced up and looked at myself in my hallway mirror. I gaped at my reflection.
Sprouting from my back were two large angel wings! However, instead of white feathers, the wings looked to be made of fire and molten light. I tried to reach around to touch one, but found myself unable to reach. I flexed my shoulders, and the wings wrapped around me. I felt the fiery feathers caress my skin. They didn't burn; they felt cool. I brought one of my hands up and gently stroked one of my wings. The "feathers" were soft and smooth to the touch.
"What the hell's going on?" I asked aloud, "Why do I have wings?"
They are but the first signs of Your newfound Divinity, I heard my head-voice say, More signs will soon appear.
How soon? I demanded.
I cannot say, the voice replied evenly, It all depends on Your willingness to believe. If You accept with Your true heart and do not flag in Your belief, the signs will come quickly and You may fulfill Your purpose to the Creator in short order. However, if You deny that You have been blessed with Divine power by the Creator, the signs will take longer to appear and they will be more painful when they do appear. The appearance of Your wings is proof of that.
"I don't want this!" I protested, "I never asked to be chosen by God! I just want to live a normal life and find a nice girl to settle down with after my days as a pilot are over!"
There is one waiting for You, said the voice, She is one like You; a chosen Avenger and Guardian of Man. She also has dormant Divinity that hasn't awakened yet. Perhaps the presence of Your awakened Divinity will bring Hers to light.
Why do you keep using that honorific? I asked, wondering at the inflection in the voice, It sounds as though you're putting me up on a level equal to God. I'm not. I'm beneath His notice.
As the voice was about to rebuke me, I forcibly silenced it. I concentrated and drew myself inwards. I felt my wings sheathe themselves back into my body. I stood up, turned around and craned my neck to look at myself in the mirror. The only evidence that I had ever sprouted wings was two light line-scars on my back over my shoulder blades.
My telepathic senses detected a presence outside of my door. I automatically tensed, anticipating an attack. However, my senses were relaxed by a voice in my thoughts.
Do not be concerned, Andrew, it is only me.
Rei, I thought, relieved, hang on a second, I'll come and let you in.
I realized that I was still nude; fresh out of the shower.
Uh…better make that a minute or two, I thought to Rei, I need to get some clothes on.
I will wait.
I rushed to my dresser and yanked on some clean clothes. Then, I walked quickly to the door and let Rei in. Immediately, I felt the presence of the voice in my mind again. It was trying to tell me something again, but I ignored it.
"Are you all right?" Rei asked, once she was inside and the door was closed, "I sensed your telepathic distress."
"From all the way across town?" I asked.
"Yes," said Rei, "Your distress seemed to be quite urgent. I…feared that you were in some kind of danger. I was…concerned."
"That's sweet of you, Rei," I said, smiling reassuringly, "but I'm fine, really."
Rei cocked an eyebrow disbelievingly.
"Your heart rate and state of emotional activity contradict your assessment of your situation," she said matter-of-factly.
"So, the only reason you came over here is because you were worried about me?" I asked, trying to change subjects. I failed; miserably.
"Have you experienced further changes in your biological makeup?" Rei asked. I decided to go for broke.
"You could say that," I admitted. Then, I peeled off my shirt. Rei looked slightly askance at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Just look," I said, turning my back to Rei. I heard her gasp quietly.
"Where did those scars come from?" she asked.
"From this," I said. I grimaced as I allowed my angel wings to burst free again. Rei almost cried out in shock this time.
"Like them?" I asked sarcastically, turning to face my shocked companion.
Rei looked very aghast at my bright, flickering wings. Her shock and semi-fright changed to awe and…mesmerization as my wingtips brushed the walls. I tried to smile to hide my embarrassment and self-revulsion.
"They are…beautiful," Rei said, her voice barely more than a whisper.
"You can touch them," I said, "They're quite cool to the touch."
Rei extended her hand towards my wings. But as soon as her hand got within two feet of my wings, she pulled it back with a sharp gasp of pain. My face contorted with concern.
"Are you all right?"
"Your wings are most certainly not cool to the touch," Rei said, gently waving her hand to cool it.
"They were cool when I touched them," I said, "Hmm, maybe it's just that I'm immune to the fire. Or maybe…oh, no—that can't be it…"
"What cannot be it?" Rei asked.
"Well, please don't think I'm crazy," I said, "but I've heard a voice in my head that didn't come from anyone else but me."
"You've heard voices?" Rei asked, "Do you have a history of schizophrenia?"
"No!" I said vehemently, "This voice feels like it's…a part of me, somehow. Anyway, this voice told me that I'm some sort of Divine Avenger; a…messenger of God or some crazy shit like that. It also told me that there was someone else out there like me who had dormant Divinity within them. Maybe…maybe the only ones who can touch my wings without being burned are Divine beings…like me."
"You sound so skeptical about your theory," said Rei perceptively, "Is it difficult for you to believe that there are Divine beings in this world?"
"Do you believe it, Rei?" I countered, "After all, I mean, you're part…Angel…oh…"
"What is it?" Rei asked as my voice trailed off.
It suddenly occurred to me that our conversations might be monitored, I said telepathically, If we want this conversation to continue, we'd better do it quietly.
Understood, said Rei.
Now, as I was saying—I said.
Yes, I am part Angel, Rei interrupted, reading my thoughts.
Yeah, you're part Angel! I thought excitedly, That means that you might be a Divine being yourself! Don't you think?
It is conceivable, Rei admitted, But I have never shown signs of it as you are displaying right now. It is possible that I do not have the dormant potential that you speak of.
It's possible, but I think you are a Divinity, I said, finally starting to believe, You and I work together so perfectly that it's scary, and Shinji even said that you and I relate to each other in ways that seem too perfect to be believed! What if this is what it all means, Rei? What if it all means that you and I are both Divines!
I couldn't understand why I was getting so worked up over this. I mean, until Rei showed up, I didn't believe in it, either. And now, here I was trying to make her believe it, too? What a hypocrite I was.
Something was different, though. Rei seemed to tense up suddenly, and then she collapsed to the floor, writhing in pain. I heard her whimper softly as I dove to her side. I scooped her up and cradled her head in my arms and tried to keep my wings as far back from her as possible. However, Rei reached out and again tried to grasp at my wings.
"I thought they were too hot?" I asked, confused.
"I need warmth," Rei whispered weakly, "I am so…cold…"
I was starting to feel scared. Rei's skin felt warm like normal, and yet here she was, telling me that she was cold and shivering. Either she was feeling some Divine power, or she was getting very, very sick.
"Please…" Rei whimpered.
I gingerly pulled Rei closer into my arms and enfolded my wings around the both of us. Their cool flame encompassed my back and circled around my front, forming a cocoon around Rei. I felt Rei shudder in my arms and start to relax.
"You are…warm…" she sighed.
"What happened, Rei?" I asked, still feeling scared.
Rei didn't answer, except to shudder and jerk in my arms. She burst free of my embrace and stood in the middle of my kitchen, hunched over and spasming. Suddenly with a loud cry, I saw two wings burst from Ayanami's back, just as mine had. However, Rei's wings were nothing like mine; Rei's wings looked like crystals of ice that grew into the shape of wings.
I…I feel…a presence in my mind, I heard Rei think, Someone else is here other than me…who are you? Who are you…?
Do you believe now, Rei? I asked, walking back over to her and gently wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. Her icy wings felt like they were freezing the skin of my bare chest. However, the more I held her, the warmer she felt. Rei turned around in my arms and faced me. There were tears running down her face.
"Tears?" I asked, concerned.
I am…afraid… Rei thought to me, This new…development…will interfere with my usefulness to the Commander.
Your…usefulness? I asked, wishing she'd clarify.
Will you…keep my confidence? Rei asked.
Gladly, I replied instantly. After the number of times I had confided in Rei, it was the least I could do to return the favor.
The Commander's plan…involves using me as a pawn to initiate the Third Impact, Rei said, looking deeply into my eyes, I am cloned from the Angel, Lilith, who resides in the bowels of Terminal Dogma. Lilith is one half of the equation that would begin the Third Impact. Adam, whom the Commander possesses, is the other half. If the two of them are brought together through me, the Third Impact will begin, and all life as we know it will perish.
That's…unbelievable! I thought, flabbergasted, How can one man be so…fucking…deranged?!
He is not deranged, Rei retorted quietly, He is…obsessed. He is deeply in love with his wife, and is willing to do anything to see her again.
Love is one thing, I thought, Obsession is quite another. Another thing is the fact that Yui no longer loves her husband. You heard the way she talked about him while we were looking for Shinji; she hates him for what he did to her, and I gotta say, after the kind of life she's had over the last few years, she's entitled to being a little bit bitter and resentful.
Rei quietly listened to my rant, her eyelids drooping.
Are you tired, Rei? I asked, assuming the obvious.
I slept a normal period of nine hours over last night, said Rei sleepily, I do not understand why I am tired.
You told me once that you don't dream, I said, I read somewhere once that dreams are what makes our sleep truly recuperative. If you really don't dream, then you're not getting a fully restful night's sleep.
You offered to help me to dream, said Rei, Will you try now?
If you desire it, I will try to open your mind to dreams, Rei, I replied, However, to do that, I will need your absolute trust and free, total access to your mind. You have my word that I will not do anything harmful or coercive while I am there with you.
Then I grant you access to my mind, Rei said, Your word is enough for me, Andrew. I have placed my trust in you before, and you have not let me down.
Let's get you someplace comfortable to sleep, then, I said, taking Rei's hand and leading her back to my bedroom.
"Lie down and get comfortable, Rei," I said, speaking aloud again.
"Get comfortable?"
"Yeah," I said, "Just…do what you normally do to get ready for bed."
Rei nodded and started to unbutton her blouse. I sputtered and quickly turned around. I sensed Rei smiling.
"Did you want me to…leave or something while you get ready?" I asked awkwardly, staring resolutely at my wall.
"No," Rei answered evenly, "In fact you may look at me, if you wish."
"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked, "I mean…"
"Your modesty is flattering," said Rei, "But I feel no embarrassment over being in the nude around you, or anyone else."
Rei grabbed my arm and spun me around. Reflexively, my eyes closed. However, I felt Rei's soft hand on my face, and just couldn't help myself. Against every decent instinct in my body, I opened my eyes.
Rei's body was absolutely perfect; to say the very least! Her breasts were magnificently well-formed and perky. Her belly was flat and sculpted. And her skin! Oh, her skin…! It was pale as milk and looked to be silky smooth to the touch. I didn't dare let my eyes wander any lower as desire and lust rose unbidden and ran rampant through my mind.
"Your thoughts are…very graphic right now," Rei observed, blushing lightly.
"I'm sorry," I said automatically, unable to tear my eyes away from Rei's breasts. Finally, though, I brought my own hand up and smacked myself on the face. Rei giggled at my clownish antics. I flushed so red that I was probably almost purple in the face. Still my thoughts were pervaded with images of me squeezing and groping those soft-looking mounds and running my tongue over each hard nipple…
I slapped myself in the face again; harder this time. I forced myself to focus on the task at hand: Unlocking Rei's mind to the reality of dreams. Perhaps through dreams, she might become more in touch with her inner Divinity.
A.N.: Whew! Some hot shots right there, readers (you knew it had to happen sooner or later). I know that I said that it might be inconsistent between updates, and it will be soon. Currently, I've been writing almost frantically (I want to get as much done as I can while I still have time to do it). As always, reviews are gratefully accepted. May the muse continue to sing in your ears!
Andrew Hildreth