Christmas at the Castle, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic by Raberba girl
Chapter 11 - ...Two hot-pink scythes...
A/N: I HATE (most of) THIS CHAPTER SO FREAKING MUCH. The numerous perspective inconsistencies in particular bug me very much, but I couldn't really fix them.
o.o.o
9ẍ2ẍ9ẍ2 DEMYX & XIGGY'S MOVIE OF AW3S0M3! 2ẍ9ẍ2ẍ9
Swirling fog filled the screen as old-fashioned Christmas carols played with haunting softness in the background. A recording of Demyx's voice began an overdramatic narration.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far aw- *cough* J/k, our story begins in the foggiest swirling of fog...um, ever seen...in any clichéd movie opening ever! In London. Watch as the mists magically clear to reveal our hero- He's not really a hero...but he's the por- pot- pr0n- Xig, what's that word again? Protago-huh? Whatever; he's the main character! And he's moving offscreen so I gotta talk faster; anyway, it's Ebenezer Saïx, the richest and most miserly man in town.
There was a rustle of laughter from the audience, for the figure on the screen was actually a sultry Dancer wearing a long blue wig and bearing an X-shaped mark on its almost featureless face, drawn in ink. The real Saïx was not amused.
Ebenezer Saïx forges through the snow-choked streets without so much as a nod or a smile or even a friendly insult to anyone he passes on this bleak Christmas Eve. He walks by a group of wretched beggars warming themselves around a pitiful fire.
The beggars - ALL the figures on screen, actually - were lesser Nobodies. One of Sniper-beggars, wearing a blonde wig and jewelry like Luxord's, held out a hand to Ebenezer Saïx. When it spoke, it was in an outrageously accented voiceover by Xigbar, since lesser Nobodies are mute, of course.
"Please, sir. Won't you spare a penny for this poor gambler who's run afoul of Lady Luck this Christmas season?"
"What nonsense," the real Luxord remarked. "I'm not so unskilled at wagering that I'd end up destitute."
"Bah!" Ebenezer Saïx retorts [in Demyx's voice]. "The jails have plenty of warmer beds, go turn yourself in if you want a less miserable hearth!" He continues on, until he reaches a counting-house bearing the sign he's been too lazy to change, Xemnas & Saïx Inc. Co. Ltd. Etc., though his partner Jacob Xemnas has been dead and gone these past seven years.
"Ah, the Ultimate Void," Xemnas said, almost dreamily. Those sitting near him surreptitiously scooted farther away.
Saïx enters the counting-house, where his handsome, talented, underpaid, and horribly, horribly, horribly overworked clerk, Demyx Cratchit, sits working industriously at his desk.
"As if you're capable of being industrious in anything," Zexion grumbled. Demyx stuck out his tongue at him.
"Merry Christmas, Mr. Saïx!" Demyx says brightly.
"Bah! Humbug."
"Why, Mr. Saïx! How could you be so callous toward such a wonderful holiday as Christmas, where everyone gets to sleep in late and buy me presents?"
"Hmph. Congratulations, Demyx. I didn't realize you knew the word 'callous.'"
"Hey, I know lots of things!"
"I have no use for Christmas, because I'm a grumpy poopiehead and I live for assigning people ridiculously hard missions."
Everyone immediately looked (not without some gleeful anticipation) at Saïx, who appeared to be contemplating preferred murder methods.
"Joke!" Demyx squeaked. "Joke, joke, it's a joke!"
"Well, Merry Christmas anyway, Mr. Saïx! You may be a meanie, but you're still one of my Dancers, so I love you!"
"See?!"
A knock sounds on the door. "Ah!" Saïx says greedily. "Another customer to send on awful missions. Open the door, Demyx!"
To his disappointment, it's not a customer, but actually his gorgeous niece-I-mean-nephew.
Ebenezer Saïx's niece-I-mean-nephew turned out to be a Dancer decked out in a garish pink coat, with flowers trailing in its wake. Maruhana nearly had a meltdown until Rocks, Nice, Sea Foam, Marsh, Insects, and Dig More all insisted that the flowers were artificial, not corpses.
"Good afternoon, Uncle Saïx!" Marluxia says happily [in Xigbar's version of a girly voice]. "And a Merry Christmas to you!"
"Bah! Humbug."
"Well, that's pretty rude."
"I told him the exact same thing," Demyx says in a huff.
"Anyway! Uncle Saïx, I've come to invite you to Christmas dinner! We're having roses, tulips, begonias, and marigolds."
"What? That's not even real food."
"Bah! As if I'd waste my time with silly flowers."
Marluxia begins to cry.
"Give me a cold, lonely counting-house any day! Now, be off with you, before I catch any of your otomen cooties."
"Axel, what's an otomen?"
"Manly guy who likes girly things. Not to be confused with a guy who's just gay."
"Oh! That explains a lot."
"Well, let me know if you change your mind, because even though you're a jerk with a big ugly scar and hair that looks like a rat's nest, you're still kind of cute and I want to deck you out in flowers." Marluxia leaves, but no sooner does the door slam shut behind him than it bursts open again, admitting two weirdoes in a swirl of snow.
"Ah! Real customers this time," Saïx says happily.
One of the newcomers was actually two Snipers bound into a single coat, with the top one wearing a Lexaeus wig. The other was a Dancer wearing a Zexion wig, with dark bangs flowing down to the waist.
"Merry Christmas," Zexion mumbles. "If it can possibly still be merry after drowning in my emo-waves..."
"Your what?"
"We're looking for Misters Xemnas and Saïx."
"Xemnas is dead," Demyx says cheerfully.
"Ohhhh...then he's in the Ultimate Abyss of Despair," Zexion says rapturously. "Just a sec, I have to write a poem about that."
"NO, you don't," Saïx snaps. "I'm Saïx. What do you want?"
"To slit my wrists..."
"I meant, what do you want with ME?"
Zexion sighs loudly. "We're taking up a collection for the poor and those in desperate need of haircuts. Please give us lots of munny."
"Hah! Haircuts, indeed! Why should I waste my hard-earned munny on such drivel?" Isn't 'drivel' a fun word? Driveldriveldrivel. XD
"Because as you can CLEARLY SEE, unless that huge scar of yours made you half-blind as well as ugly, I can barely see through this curtain of hair, and every day I run the risk of tripping over something I can't see and breaking my neck, and I think I just said 'see' too much, oh well."
"...I can see just fine through my hair."
"Is that so?" Saïx growls like a dog (ha ha, see what we did there?). "Well, you can just keep right at it for all I care - after all, if it's your time to go, then it's your time to go, and it just means more horrible fun poetry for you, right?"
"But-"
"Now go away! And make sure to let the door hit your butts on the way out, so I can have a good laugh at your expense!"
"Hey, Lexaeus didn't say a word in that whole scene."
"Guess there's a reason he's called the 'Silent Hero,' eh?"
"...I'm not that silent."
"Ah!" Saïx moans when the emo guy and the Hulk are gone, "What is this world coming to, Demyx? Next they'll be asking me to give munny to orphans, or widows, or the dog pound."
"You sure talk about dogs a lot, boss."
"That's because I'm a werewolf, duh."
"Why does everyone always make werewolf jokes about Saïx?" Roxas asked.
"Because moon element + berserker mode + ratty hair = werewolf!" Demyx explained brightly. "See, I'm smart."
"No, you're not," someone snorted.
"What? Yes I am!"
"Gotta disagree with you there, Demyx."
"Superioooor, everyone's picking on me!"
There was a long pause.
"I think he fell asleep again," Xion observed.
When the clock begins to chime, Demyx happily throws down his pen and swings his threadbare but still trendy coat across his shoulders.
"Huh!" Saïx exclaims, pulling out his pocket watch and frowning at it. "The office clock is two minutes fast."
OF COURSE IT IS. Demyx's face falls, and he has the most adorably sad look as he resumes his seat, but of course Ebenezer Saïx is immune to woobieness.
"Oh well. Even though I'm a big jerk, I'll let you go home early, but you'd better make up that time tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? But tomorrow's Christmas Day!"
"So?"
"So everyone except insane little kids get to sleep in on Christmas Day!"
"Well, I must be an insane little kid at heart, because I am not going to be sleeping in, and neither are you!"
"Aw, come on!"
"Oh...all right; since you're so persuasive, I'll give you tomorrow off. But you get no mission rewards, and you have to wash my stinky laundry, too!"
"But I always wash your stinky laundry! And your dishes, and your floors, and every single bathtub, sink, and toilet in the entire freaking castle..."
Vexen snorted. "It's your water copies that do the cleaning, not you personally."
"You've never made water copies before, have you," Demyx grumbled.
"Well, in that case, you can wash my stinky laundry and sign all my mission reports, since that takes soooo much effort. Now get out, before I bite you like the rabid werewolf I am!"
"From this point forward, anyone who calls me a werewolf will forfeit five Challenge Sigils," Saïx growled.
*insert whiny protests here*
"Okay, I'm going, I'm going!"
Saïx stays extra late at work that night, counting his piles of munny and kibbles.
"THAT SO DOES NOT COUNT! And we made the movie before your stupid Sigil-stealing rule, anyway!"
"Demyx, do you even have any Challenge Sigils?" someone asked dubiously.
"Of course I don't! Why d'you think I'm falling over myself not to owe any?"
Then he makes his way through the cold dreary streets and arrives at his cold dreary house. Which is painted pink, because we thought that would be funny. XD
For the record, Saïx did not even crack a smile.
However, Organization XIII now had a bigger problem. "Someone wake up the Superior. If he misses his scene, he's gonna make us rewind it and watch it again."
There was more than one horrified gasp. "SUPERIOR, WAKE UP."
Xemnas did not move or respond in any way.
"Zexion, let me borrow your lexicon for a second."
"I can slam it down myself," the Cloaked Schemer huffed, raising his weapon high in the air.
He goes inside, chews on a bone for dinner, then sits down to do his oh-so-important paperwork.
"The paperwork is actually harder than it looks," Roxas spoke up. Everyone, including Saïx, looked at him in surprise.
"What? How would you know? Have you DONE Saïx's paperwork?" Demyx asked interestedly.
"Well, no, but when we-" Roxas broke off when he happened to glance at Saïx and became suddenly convinced that it was indeed possible for one to keel over dead from the sole power of an intensely burning gaze. "We...um...uh...oh, look, we're missing the movie!"
"No, we're not, because I paused it," Xigbar said cheerfully, brandishing the remote. "Do continue your interesting story, young Key of Destiny."
"Ummmm... Hey, we should all have a contest, and see who can do the mission paperwork the best."
Axel slapped his hand over his face. "You really are His Nobody, aren't you."
"Huh? Whose Nobody?"
Half the Organization suddenly lunged for the remote. "LET'S GET BACK TO WATCHING THE MOVIE, SHALL WE?"
Suddenly, chills creep down his spine as he hears the clanking of chains and movement on the floors below. He huddles in his chair, a picture of abject terror.
"Just so you know, Number IX, your next mission will be involving a Leechgrave, an Antlion, and an Infernal Engine, all at the same time."
"WHAT?!"
"And I am seriously considering voiding your vacation coupon as well."
"Oh, come ON!"
The footsteps and rattling creep across the lower floors, up the stairs, down the hall, and RIGHT THROUGH THE LOCKED DOOR INTO THE ROOM WHERE SAÏX IS WETTING HIS PANTS IN SHEER TERROR!
"Why is that Dancer wearing a ridiculous white wig?" Xemnas asked, saving Demyx from further punishment.
"Because it's pretending to be you, Superior."
"Oh. ... It does not look like me at all."
"I think that goes without saying, sir."
"Saïx," the apparition whispers in a chilly voice [well, as chilly as Xigbar can get while apparently trying to not burst into laughter], "Saaaaiiiix..."
"Go away! You're scary!"
"Saïx...do you not recognize me? It is I, your old partner, Jacob Xemnas, back from that Void I'm so obsessed with."
"X...Xemnas?"
"I've come to warn you, Saïx. You see these heavy chains I bear? You will be cursed to carry chains just like these for all eternity, unless you issue more vacation days and stop confiscating Xigbar's porn."
"Axel, what's-?"
"Shut up and watch the movie," Axel grumbled.
Someone else laughed. "Heh, bet you've got a nice collection stashed up by now, eh, Saïx?"
"It goes straight into the incinerator," Saïx said shortly.
"Suuure it does."
"Never! Because I am a total jerk who loves bossing everyone around just because I have evil yellow eyes and pointy ears!"
"But Xigbar, you have yellow eyes and pointy ears, too," Xion pointed out in confusion.
"I have golden butterscotch topaz eyes, not yellow ones," Xigbar said primly.
"There's a difference?"
"Of course there is!"
"Xion, don't listen to a word he says," Axel said in exasperation, even as he hastily reached out to stop Roxas from actually getting up to compare the two.
"Very well. Then you had better start lifting weights, because you're gonna need those muscles to cart around your chains in the afterlife."
"Wait, Xemnas! Tell me how else I can weasel my way out of this fate, besides not being a control freak about everyone's personal lives!"
"Well, tonight you're going to be visited by three spirits. If you listen to them and do what they say, then this story might have a happy ending."
"For realz?"
"Totally. Well, I guess I'd better get going. Kingdom Hearts gets awful cranky when I'm late for our dinner dates." With that, the ghost disappears, leaving Saïx alone in his cold dreary pink house once again.
He soon goes to bed, but is woken up at 1:00 in the morning by a character who isn't a lesser Nobody for once, since we finally found out where those three disappear to every afternoon. He opens his eyes to see-
"Hey, Xion, that's you!" Roxas exclaimed. "I mean, the real you, not a Sniper in a black wig or something."
"Do I really look that creepy with my hood up?" she gasped in dismay.
"...Yeah, you kind of do."
-a creepy hooded figure swathed in black. "Hello," the spirit says, lowering its hood to reveal the face of a cute but very confused-looking little girl. "I'm the Spirit of Christmas Past, but you can call me Poppet?"
"What have you come to show me?" Saïx asks.
[Poppet reads from a piece of paper she is holding.] "What, you think I'm named 'the Spirit of Christmas Past' because I'm gonna show you Kingdom Hearts or something? I'm gonna show you Christmas Past, duh? Take my hand?"
Saïx takes the hand of the still-confused-looking spirit, and the two of them walk to the Hall of Empty Melodies, where a bunch of Snipers and Dancers are dancing. One of the Dancers is wearing a spiky red wig.
"You did not just make me Scrooge's ex-girlfriend!" Axel burst out.
"Yeah, we kinda did," Xigbar laughed remorselessly.
"Hey, that's my old boss!" Saïx gasps. "I remember this party! That sulky, pockmarked teenager in the corner is me! And over there under the mistletoe, it's...it's Axelbelle!"
"Xigbar, you and me, boss battle, tomorrow, 6:00 p.m. Demyx, remind me to shut your head in the oven later," Axel growled.
"Of course I'm not going to remind you to do that! It would hurt!"
"Exactly."
"Oh, Axelbelle...s/he was so lovely back then...oh, I haven't thought about her/him in years!" Saïx and Poppet watch as Axelbelle tries to drag young Saïx under the mistletoe, then manages to get him to dance. Mist wafts over the scene, until we see the young couple in a garden at twilight some time later.
"Dear Saïx," Axelbelle says softly,-
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
-"please, I must have your answer. For years I have waited for you, and watched your face grow hard with greed and control freak...ism. Tell me, once and for all: Do you love me? Is your non-heart still true after all this time?"
Young Saïx replies, "Yo, do you think your dad'll be able to salvage his chew toy company, or is he gonna take that new job on the catnip plantation after all?"
"Oh, Saïx, what has that to do with whether or not you love me?"
"Well, my answer's kinda based on how you reply, so..."
"Alas! This is answer enough. You care more about my father's chew toys than you do about me!"
"Well, duh."
The lovely girl/boy/Nobody/thing is sobbing now. "Then farewell forever, O beautiful slayer of my heart...!" Saïx never saw her again.
"That's it, run, Axelbelle! Run far, far away!"
"Axel, you do realize that you're yelling at a Dancer in the TV, right?"
"I DON'T CARE."
"Dude, Xion! I mean, Christmas Past!" Saïx cries, "Don't show me anymore, I can't stand it!"
"All right?" Poppet agrees. "But remember, Saïx, you drove that lovely creature away yourself, and therefore you have only yourself to blame...?"
As the spirit vanishes into the mists of time, Saïx opens his eyes to find himself in his bed once more. "Wah, it was only a dream...man, I gotta lay off the Bacon Bits before bedtime. I think they're giving me indigestion."
However, the blue-haired miser's adventures are far from over!
*collective groan*
As the clock strikes 2:00, his room starts getting super-cold. Shivering, Saïx stumbles out of bed to re-light the fire in the grate, but stops cold (LOL) at the sight of a second intruder in his bedchamber. "You!" he shouts.
The being he shouted at was a Dancer sporting a long, dark blonde wig.
"What are those unappealing markings on my- I mean, on that lesser Nobody's face?" Vexen demanded.
"I think those are supposed to be your cheekbones."
"What?!"
"Oh! You're right, Luxord, I see it now," someone else remarked.
"My cheekbones are not that gaunt!" Vexen insisted.
"Sorry, dude, but they kind of are."
"Disrespectful amateurs, the lot of you!"
"What are you doing in my room?" Saïx demands.
"I am the Spirit of Christmas Present, but you may call me Dr. Whinemaster."
"Excuse me?!"
"So it wasn't a dream," Saïx gasps in horror.
"Of course not, you incompetent fool! I'm here to show you how much fun everybody manages to have when you're not sticking your big slashed-up nose into our business. Come! We are going to Demyx Cratchit's house."
The spirit yanks Saïx straight through the wall and out into the street, where they pass lots of happy people stuffing their faces with delicious food and wishing each other Merry Christmases. Eventually, they come to a falling-apart shack decorated with seashell/mermaid/dolphin/sailboat/you-get-the-idea ornaments that are NOT tacky, Xigbar. "Demyx lives here?"
"Yup."
"What a dump."
"Ah, but the treasure is inside."
Eyes kindled with goldlust (goldlust, har, see what we did there?), Saïx peers through a window to find Demyx laughing by the fireplace and playing expertly on his wonderful sitar.
Also visible through the window was a Dancer with a familiarly-styled yellow wig, clapping in time to the beat as another Dancer twirled about with a Sniper in the middle of the floor.
"You made me your wife?" Larxene thundered.
"Well, just in the movie."
"Come here, Demyx, I need to stick these knives up your nostrils."
"Ahhh! Xiggy, help!"
"I don't see any treasure."
"You are looking right at it, you imbecile."
The song finishes, and the merry Cratchit family claps their hands in delight. Demyx takes his wife in his arms and gushes, "Oh, Relena, if you were the real Relena, and not just a Dancer wearing a wig, I'd sweep you up to our bedroom and-"
Axel swiftly put his left hand over Xion's left ear and his right hand over Roxas's right ear and jerked them close so that their other ears were squashed against his body and they could not hear what was said next. Actually, the sounds of an enraged Larxene chasing the screaming Demyx around the room were so loud that they might not have been able to hear, anyway.
"-but you're not, so I won't," the Demyx onscreen finishes cheerfully. He huggles the Dancer and then calls up the stairs, "Tiny Roxie, come on down! We're about ready to have Christmas dinner."
A figure appears at the top of the stairs: Demyx's adorable but clueless little son, hobbling down on a crutch.
Rather than a bewigged lesser Nobody, the role of Tiny Roxie was played by Roxas himself, which finally explained that confusing day back when Demyx and Xigbar had not let him and Xion meet Axel for ice cream. "Why does the movie make me look so cute?" Roxas asked in distaste.
Xion giggled. "But you're always that cute, Roxas," she explained, at the same time Axel mumbled, "Because you're like that all the time."
"Huh? I am?"
"I just love Christmas," Demyx sighs in contentment, "the time of year where people can sing all the Christmas carols they want without having rotten tomatoes or empty Potion bottles thrown at their heads. Now, for our feast!"
"Look at all this...er, wonderful food to eat," Tiny Roxie says doubtfully.
"Dr. Whinemaster," Saïx says, looking shocked, "what the heck kind of messed-up feast is this? That scrawny bird is barely enough to feed one person, much less five! Also, it's purple."
"Yes, I pick up some extra cash by selling my discarded specimens to unscrupulous shopkeepers."
"...Ew."
"Flaming pants, Roxas, you didn't actually eat that thing, did you?" Axel exclaimed in horror.
"Well..."
"CRAP, NO WONDER YOU GOT SICK, DEMYX I'LL KILL YOU."
"But I ate it a couple of weeks ago," Roxas said.
"Yeah, he ate it weeks ago!" Demyx cried frantically. "You're fine now, aren't ya, little buddy? Guh, can't breathe...Axel, really, I can't breathe...Xiggy, help!"
"I should probably pay more, so my clerk won't be reduced to buying leftover science experiments for dinner and giving his whole family food poisoning. Hey, Dr. Whinemaster? That Tiny Roxie kid. He's crippled, isn't he? Will he ever get better?"
"If things continue in their current course, I foresee an empty throne Where Nothing Gathers. Perhaps we should let Thirteen in on more of our secrets."
"Oh no! I have to do something to save Tiny Roxie! Dr. Whinemaster, can- Dr. Whinemaster? Where are you? Hello?" He can't see a thing because of all the swirling snow and smoke, but it's pretty obvious that Dr. Whinemaster has disappeared (hooray!). Instead, someone different is looming out of the darkness, shrouded in black like Poppet.
"Is it too much to hope that you're another cute little girl?"
The only response is a sinister nod.
"Poopie. Well, drag me off to wherever you have in mind, so we can get this over with and wrap up filming already. Ugh, I can already tell this thing is going to be a pain to edit..."
The next moment, Saïx finds himself in a tavern, invisible to all the Dancers and Snipers in hooded black coats who are discussing the same topic [all in either Demyx's or Xigbar's voices].
"Didja hear that old Scarface finally got what's comin' to 'im?"
"Aye, that mangy werewolf's done for at last."
"Yay, I don't owe him munny anymore!"
"I snuck in and looted his room - he had a lot of Frisbees for some reason..."
"HAH, I went and burned all my mission reports! Then I got some new forms and filled in all the blanks with Monty Python quotes! That'll show him!"
"Ugh, I can't take anymore of this," Saïx moans. "Christmas Future, is there anyone ANYWHERE in any of the worlds who's sad that I'm dead? Or are all of them glad to get rid of me?"
The Spirit of Christmas Future raises his hand and points ominously, where the scene has changed to a familiar red-wigged Nobody.
"Nooooo!"
Axelbelle sobs in a room somewhere, wailing Saïx's name. "Oh my love, now you are truly gone forever!"
"Axel, why are you banging your head against the back of the couch?"
In the movie, another figure entered the scene: a Sniper wearing a Roxas wig and carrying a cardboard Keyblade.
"Hello, Axelbelle. Um, so, now that Saïx is dead, I was wondering if you'd finally be my boyfriend-I-mean-girlfriend."
"YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING."
Axelbelle immediately cheers up, running over to glomp Roxas. "Okay! Do you want to be seme or uke?"
"Axel, what's-?"
"SHUT UP, ROXAS, SHUT UP NOW."
The couple skips out of the scene arm-in-arm, leaving Saïx desolate. "S/he left me for a fourteen-year-old?"
Christmas Future sternly puts his hands on his hips.
"Well, okay, so we broke up ages ago and I should be happy that s/he didn't ruin his/her life because of me, but...still!" Saïx grumbles for a while, pacing restlessly back and forth. "Everyone hates me, they're glad to see me gone...even Axelbelle didn't care enough to miss me once that rooster-headed kid showed up...argh! Is this seriously the only thing I have to look forward to in the future? Because it's lame and I want a refund."
Saïx now notices that they are standing in a dark and spooky graveyard. Not a thing moves except a burly Sniper with long black braids and bushy sideburns, singing to itself as it digs a fresh hole.
"Ohhh, a sailor's life is the life for me, how I love to sail o'er the bounding sea, and I never never ever do a thing about the weather, for the weather never ever does a thing for me!" Xaldin wipes sweat from his brow (I mean, not really, it's just a lesser Nobody, but PRETEND, OKAY?) and tosses down his shovel. "Ah, forget it, I'm takin' a coffee break. It's not like there's anyone around here who'd mind..."
He marches off, leaving Saïx to creep fearfully closer to the tombstone and read the name engraved upon it. "Why - that's my name!" he gasps.
Christmas Future suddenly throws back his hood, revealing the madly grinning face of my partner in crime, Xigbar! His one good eye, craggy features, and jagged scar look positively demonic in the sudden firelight raging in the depths of the open grave. "Sure is, Werewolf Boy!" he whoops, knocking the blue-haired miser into his final resting place with a hearty slap on the back. Saïx descends screaming, sobbing, and begging for mercy-
"That triple mission I mentioned, Number IX? There won't be treasure chests. And don't expect any mission rewards upon your return, either."
"Whaaat?!"
"Though I'll make sure there's ten or twenty extra ordeal badges for you to pick up."
"You've gotta be kidding me!"
-but instead of being devoured by hellfire, he instead finds himself struggling with the hopeless tangle of his bed sheets. "I...I'm alive?!"
Indeed he is! Because who would we pick on if Sai-Sai wasn't around? Zexy's too big now, and Vexen's too creepy to be funny, and Superior never gets it and he'd kill us if he did, and Axel turns all Mama Bear on us when we try going after Roxy and Xi, so...
Anyway! Saïx staggers to his window, which is full of early morning sunlight. "The spirits are gone...those awful things haven't actually happened yet...I still have a chance to set things right!" Flinging open the window, Saïx calls down eagerly to the first person he sees, "You there! Boy! What day is it?"
"Day, sir?"
"YES, YOU STUPID MORON! I mean, yes, young one. What is today? I need to know because, um, all my calendars broke."
"Why, it's Christmas Day, sir!"
"Excellent! I shall now run down to dear Demyx's house and give him the whole next month off, as well as 5,000 munny and about 20 slot releasers...oooh, this is going to be so fun!"
Saïx is as good as his word. Flying out into the snow wearing nothing more than an old coat thrown over his Power Rangers pajamas and fluffy bunny slippers, he races down the street, tossing a handful of munny orbs into the gambler's begging cup as he passes, and pausing a moment to whip out a pair of scissors and lop off Zexion's hazardous bangs. "Merry Christmas to all!" he cries merrily, blowing a kiss to Axelbelle and hurrying on his way. "My dear Marluxia!" he shouts as he happens to pass his nephew, "Make sure you save some daisies or petunias or whatever for me, I'll be by later on this afternoon! Ha ha ha!"
"I think I'd better add some fruitcake to the list while I'm at it," Marluxia muses.
Saïx makes only two stops on the way, once to buy the biggest, freshest, non-experimental fish he can find at the grocer's, and once to clean out a toy shop. Then, giggling with glee, he arrives at the unsuspecting Cratchits' house. After taking a moment to get hold of himself, Saïx knocks on the door, putting on his frownyface again.
Demyx flings the door wide, smiling warmly, but then yelps and slams it shut again when he sees who's outside.
"Demyx! Demyx!" Saïx shouts, pounding on the door again. "Open up before I have my Berserker thugs break in!"
When the door opens again, it's actually Relena Cratchit standing there. "Hello, Mr. Saïx," she says. "I'm afraid that my dear husband-"
"Ow!"
"-who I adore with all my shrewish heart-"
"OW!"
"-has run away to hide."
"Hmph." Saïx barges in and glares around the room. The two older Cratchit kids cringe away in terror. After a very long pause, Tiny Roxie, who's apparently a bit dense as well as crippled, blinks and scoots his chair back too, though his face doesn't change at all.
"Hmph!" Saïx stomps upstairs and drags down the man of the house. "Now, prepare yourself, Demyx Cratchit! I'm here to give you what you deserve!"
"Oh, no, please don't!"
"You can't stop me, Demyx! I will give you what you deserve, and it's...!"
There is another very long, expectant pause. Finally, Demyx looks over his shoulder and says meaningfully, "Kids, why don't you check out that big suspicious bag Mr. Saïx here just brought in?"
At the mention of his name, Saïx turns to look at the children as well, swaying uncertainly.
"Huh?" the youngest child says intelligently.
"You know. The bag of you-know-whats. Maybe you'd better check inside."
Realization dawns. Tiny Roxie gets out of his chair and walks over to the bag (totally forgetting to hobble or even bring his crutch, the little doof), then pauses. "Wait, I thought you said to dig through the bag when that Saïx-thing wasn't looking."
"Roxas, you are a terrific actor," Axel murmured.
"Really? Thanks."
"Are you acquainted with the term 'sarcasm,' Number XIII?" Zexion asked conversationally.
"Um...not really. Axel, what's-?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT, we really shouldn't be interrupting the movie, ha ha ha!"
"Argh!" Demyx grabs the Dancer-Saïx by the arm and yanks it the other way. "There, he's not looking."
"Okay." Tiny Roxie digs through the bag and pulls out a teddy bear. "Look, a toy."
"That's right," Saïx says, "you deserve toys! I mean, not toys, a promotion! Congratulations, you're my new boss."
"X-Xiggy...oh, help, Xig, his eyes, his eyes are burning me...!"
"Really? Yay! Didja hear that, Relena? I'm in charge of the Organization now!"
The Spirit of Christmas Future randomly warps into view, crossing his arms meaningfully.
"Well, okay, you can be the shadow ruler, Xig."
C.F. nods in satisfaction and disappears again.
"Geez, you two," Axel complained. "I'm the one who'll be losing beauty sleep whenever those 'Eliminate the traitors' orders come in. Didn't your mothers teach you to be considerate?"
"Ah, you know we're just joking," Xigbar said, waving his hand dismissively.
"Superior, we LOVE you," Demyx gushed. "You're the best Organization boss ever, and we'd NEVER try to overthrow you for realz!"
"Don't bother. He's asleep again."
Onscreen, Tiny Roxie had grasped the teddy bear in both hands and was waving it up and down, apparently under the impression that this was how a normal child would play with it.
"Oh, what a wonderful Christmas this is!" Demyx goes on rapturously. "Lots of real food, toys for my cute little kids - Roxas, you're holding that teddy bear upside down...there ya go, buddy! - and the chance to make a living by slacking off for the rest of my days...it's just perfect! Having you for a new pal is just icing on the cake, Sai."
He slings his arm around Saïx, who laughs. "I have so much to thank those wonderful spirits for! I'm going to be a lot nicer from now on."
"Atta boy," Demyx says cheerfully. He gestures at the children. "Hit it, Tiny Roxie!"
Tiny Roxie gives him a strange look and knocks his fist against the teddy bear's head.
"No, I meant your line!"
Tiny Roxie sighs, digs the script out of his pocket, and raises his fist again.
"No! You're supposed to say the line now, Roxas."
"Oh." Tiny Roxie raises his head and announces, "God bless us, every one."
Directed by: Demyx the Melodious Nocturne
Producer: Xiggy
Screenplay: Xiggy & Demyx the Melodious Nocturne, based on the book by Charles Dickens. Kind of.
CAST
(in order of appearance)
DEMYX THE MELODIOUS NOCTURNE as The Narrator, the voice of Saïx (and young Saïx), Relena, Roxas, and other random voices; and Demyx Cratchit
DANCER #1 as Ebenezer Saïx
SNIPER #1 as Luxord the beggar
SNIPER #s 2, 3, & 4 as the other beggars
XIGGY as the voice of Luxord the beggar, Marluxia, Xemnas's ghost, Axelbelle, Dr. Whinemaster, Xaldin, the Boy Who Says "It's Christmas Day," and other random voices; and the Spirit of Christmas Future
DANCER #2 as Saïx's niece-I-mean-nephew Marluxia
SNIPER #s 5 & 6 as Lexaeus the Silent Charity Guy
DANCER #3 as Zexion the Perilously Long-haired Charity Emo
DANCER #4 as the ghost of Jacob Xemnas
XION as Poppet, the very confused Spirit of Christmas Past
Lots of random DANCERS and SNIPERS as the partygoers
DANCER #5 as Axelbelle
DANCER #6 as young Ebenezer Saïx
DANCER #7 as Dr. Whinemaster, the Spirit of Christmas Present
Random DANCERS and SNIPERS as random people
DANCER #8 as Relena Cratchit
DANCER #9 as Cratchit Kid #1
SNIPER #7 as Cratchit Kid #2
ROXAS as Tiny Roxie
SNIPER #8 as Roxas
SNIPER #9 as Xaldin the Singing Gravedigger
SNIPER #10 as the Boy Who Says "It's Christmas Day" (except that he doesn't actually SAY "It's Christmas Day" because he's a Sniper and can't talk to anyone except the other lesser Nobodies and Xiggy)
No Nobodies were harmed in the making of this movie, except Roxas when he ate that purple chicken we stole from Vexen, but we fed him a Panacea and he got better.
This is a work of fiction. All similarities to any real persons, living, dead, partial, mixed-and-matched, or non-existent, is entirely coincidental. ENTIRELY.
The makers of this film would like to thank Lord Xemnas, who didn't get mad at us for wrecking the castle while filming; all the Dusks who cleaned up after us when we broke things; Axel, who didn't kill us that time we kidnapped Roxas and Xion before they made it to their ice cream date with him; Saïx, who totally understands that this was all a joke and we were just teasing and we still love him, kind of, actually not really since we don't have hearts; Vexen, who won't make us pay him back for the chicken because we have no intention of doing so anyway; Xiggy, just 'cuz you're my awesome homeboy; DEMYX THE MELODIOUS NOCTURNE, cuz I'm even awesomer; and last but not least, to all the wonderful Dancers and Snipers who dedicated themselves to this project. We couldn't have done it without you, sweeties!
This has been a Production That Never Was.
o.o.o
No one commented on the credits, because they were all too busy ranting, sleeping, furiously chasing Demyx and/or Xigbar around the room, or bemoaning the approximately 45 minutes of their non-existences which had just been utterly wasted.
"I lost so many brain cells!" Vexen wailed. "I can feel it! They're gone! They were there before, and now they're gone!"
"Roxas. Xion," Axel said sternly. "As soon as the stores re-open tomorrow, I am going to buy you these magical things called cell phones. The next time you're running late to the clock tower or won't be able to make it, CALL ME, or I will come looking for you."
"Okay," Xion agreed.
"Axel, I think Destiny peed on me."
To be continued...
Author's Notes: I admit that the credits were pretty fun, but the rest of it, blaaaaaaargh. Though the current version of the chapter is actually lots better than the initial draft that I wrote back in August or September 2011, so you can imagine what the first draft must have been like. SO MUCH RE-WRITING, I might have given myself a concussion from headdesking so much.
Although I did re-read the Dickens novella for the sake of this chapter, most of it was inspired by the Disney version.
The "golden butterscotch topaz" stuff is how Cleolinda Jones pokes fun at Stephenie Meyer's descriptions of Edward Cullen's eyes. :p
Otomen - not the most amazing manga ever, but it's still pretty cute.
I was making ZERO attempt to portray actual emo culture, just so you know. Purely going off of stereotypes, and I'm sure I even got the stereotypes wrong.
Lol, because I know someone or other's gonna ask:
Xemnas - Humus
Xigbar - Dig More
Xaldin - Whoosh
Vexen - Fox Den
Lexaeus - Leeks
Zexion - Sedge
Saïx - Aphid Nymph (though it changes to something else in my second "Fire & Moonlight" drabble)
Axel - Nice (explanation in next chapter)
Demyx - Insects
Luxord - Sward
Marluxia - Marsh
Larxene - Zap
Roxas - Rocks
Xion - Sea Foam